Pretty Little Episode #44

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And it's me, your friend Tig Notaro, sitting here with my co-host, May Pearl Martin. May Pearl Martin. I always forget that that is your name. It's good. Me too. Yeah. Is it? I don't know. Yeah. May Pearl? Yeah. What would the issue be? That's so feminine, Pearl. To me, it's like a blue rinse kind of, you know, I'm knitting in the old folks' home. I feel like you could take that back. Really? Yeah. I could make it butch. Yeah, yeah. I could see...

Oh, go ahead, Thomas. My grandma does go by Pearl. She goes by Pearl. She's a butch. Well, her name is Margaret, but the story goes my grandpa saw her on the beach in Scotland and wrote Pearl in the sand in front of her. Oh, that's how he wooed her. Oh, he saw her and said you just look like a little pearl. Yeah. But she knew that that was for her because if somebody wrote pearl on the sand, I'd be like, hmm.

I guess he explained it to her that it was for her. Excuse me. I'm laying pearl in the sand here. Pardon me, beautiful little lady. What a smooth operator. Yeah. It worked because we had Thomas. Yeah, Thomas, are you smooth like that? No. Okay. I met Laura on a nap. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, I feel like you could take Pearl back. Because I feel like I could see a butchy character on stage that just owns the name Pearl.

I'm Pearl. Yeah. Pearl. It's just such a female kind of name, but I'll, I don't know. I'll figure it out. I'm going to work shop it. Maybe it's like P dog or something.

Yeah. I just got a wave of nervousness because I got two shows tonight and the first one is music and I haven't played music in a couple months or whatever. And it's like acoustic, just me and the guitar. And I haven't thought about it. It's so much scarier than stand-up to me. Is it? Yeah, because you can't adjust or go with the flow. Like once you're committing to a song, you're in and you're earnest and you're... Doing your absolute best. Mm-hmm. Yeah. See, as a comedian...

I feel like it must be so much easier to be a musician because you just get into the song and then it's, this is how the song goes. And this is what people do is they listen to a song.

And then the song ends and then they cheer and then you do a little charming banter and then you move into the next song. I just can't accept that they're enjoying it because they're silent and my body... thinks silence is bombing so i'm like i have to trust that they're that they're enjoying it yeah and do you find i always was so i mean i i know this has been discussed in the world But as a comedian, how much musicians kill in comedy between songs? Yeah, they kill. They kill.

With like the mildest jokes. They're killing. Killing. And then if I toured with that material, I'd still kill. Yeah, you would. You would. No, it's just, I remember before I even got into comedy, going to see bands and musicians and just... And being like, oh, that's like such a fun little anecdote. Or that's, yeah, that's funny. Or that's sweet or something. But as a comedian, I'm like, wow. Wow. Yeah. That.

But I guess it's also like if you're... doing comedy and then you're you know fortune and then you sing in between jokes people are like lose their mind works the same way The good Lord told me. I don't even know how religious songs go, but yeah. I mean, I always have musical guests at Largo and. And often they'll tell a little story. And yeah, and it kills and I'm jealous. Yeah. Destroys. Like people cannot believe how funny it is. Yeah. And I think it's great. I mean.

But it is, it's a mystery because once you are teed up as a comedian. Yeah, the bar is so high. It is so high. Yeah. It is so high. But then I got to go straight from that show to. to another show, like a standup show. So I got to switch gears. May Pearl, you have got quite a show ahead of you. Well, I'm Mattia Lo Callahan. Oh my God, I always forget. You're Mateel O'Callaghan. Yeah, but I pronounce it Mateel, like the name Matt. Mateel. Mateel. Yeah, Mateel O'Callaghan Notaro. That's right.

God, that's strong. Just call me Tig. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. God, that's good. Did you choose eccentric middle names for Max and Finn? No, nothing's eccentric about their names at all. No. Was it like family names? No, we didn't do family names. Nothing like that. What are their middle names out of interest? Maxwell Jude and Finn Luke. God, that's good. Jude, I love. Uh-huh. You know what I'm saying?

Jude? I mean, not personally, but what do you want to say? Just saying Jude is the patron saint of lost causes. I love that. Often like at sea.

For sinking ships, they'd call on St. Jude. That's good to know because Max is who wants to be an oceanographer. He does? Yeah. Oh, wow. Yeah. He's going to find all kinds of stuff. With the new technology, they're finding like... ancient cities and and things like now that they can really properly scan yeah yeah and he's begging for a tadpole right now um because He wants a tadpole so he can raise it to be a frog. That is pretty fucking amazing. Uh-huh. A tadpole turns into a frog? Like that...

That is crazy. He is obsessed with frogs. I walked by, we have this room we call the chill out room in the house where they, you know, chill out, have a couch, have a TV, walk by. And he was like, Mayor, you have to come in here and see this rare frog. And I sat down with him and this was a rare frog. On TV? Mm-hmm. Like, was he just on YouTube and found it?

No, they're not allowed to just be on YouTube. They'll watch little shows where a guy's like, come on, I'll show you. And then they go through the jungle. Um, so yeah, so there's this one weird little rubbery frog, but he loves him a frog. I love frogs. I used to collect frogs when I was little.

you know being huckleberry tig and such but collect live frogs oh yeah frogs and toads i'd put them in a bucket bring them home and went through the whole rigmarole every day where my mother told me i couldn't keep them no Yeah, but man, did I love them. And now I can't imagine picking up a frog. Really? No.

I'd be worried about hurting it, but I do like picking it. I mean, in my show that's coming out this year, there's a big toad theme. And we had a toad on set called Thomas, actually. Thomas the Toad. Yeah. And he was our Toad actor. And yeah, some of the actors were much more comfortable than others, for sure. Did he have his own trailer? Yeah, he had a really luxurious trailer. Triple banger.

But it was really, I mean, the animal safety was so intense. Like we couldn't use, you know, like a fog machine or atmosphere because it would upset the toad. And there was a trainer called V who was, you know, the toad. Wrangler and good for B. She was really on top of it. Yeah. She was even, there was a scene where there were maggots on a, on a dead body. Had to take care of those. The safety of the maggots was crucial. It was crazy. Like she had a.

a hot, like a hair blow dryer to keep them warm between takes. Yeah. I love that. Yeah. Should we hear some questions? Absolutely. I was just going to say everyone's got a job to do. It's so cool. I mean, the maggots have a job to do and the maggot wrangler has a job to do. Exactly. And so do we. So let's get to our first question.

Hello, handsomes. And of course, that includes you, Thomas. It's your dear pal Megan from Sherman Oaks. My question is, have you ever planned a bachelor or bachelorette party? And if so, what? did you plan? And if you haven't, what was the most memorable party you've been to, Bachelor or Bachelorette? I got a good one. Are you allowed to share it? I am.

I am absolutely allowed to share it. Come on, let's hear it. I have not planned a bachelorette or bachelor party, but I have been to those. And one of the most memorable ones... Was the actress Lake Bell. Yes. In Palm Springs. And she rented a party bus. And it was full of beautiful. famous actresses and me. And we were flying down the road and, you know, talk about atmosphere, you know, all the smoke filling the...

It had the lights blinking inside. It had the stripper poles and the smoke machine. Oh, actually, there wasn't a smoke machine. That's where the funny part comes in is we're flying down the highway. And the party bus starts to fill with smoke, like black exhaust. No. And everybody's like drinking and dancing and singing and dancing around stripper poles. I was not one of those. Maybe a little bit. And so the party bus breaks down on the way to Palm Springs.

All of these beautiful, famous actresses are drinking their drinks out of penis straws. They have penis hats on. The whole situation. And it was incredible because... Anybody could have driven by and seen, oh, Cameron Diaz with a penis hat on looking underneath the smoking party bus. Oh, my God. Just by the side of the road? Oh, my. Yes. Everybody. Because we all had to get out of the bus.

Because it was black smoke inside of it. And so we're standing along the side of the road with penis hats on and straws. And in fact, I told that story. I was doing an afternoon vegan benefit. Okay. And that was the first time Max and Finn had seen me perform. And I told that story, and that is the first time they saw me, and Max interrupted and heckled me and said, Not! Yeah, right!

Oh, my God. Are you kidding me? No. And the whole place busts up laughing. And I was like, I said, oh, my God. Because it never dawned on me that, of course, they're going to heckle me. But would it? I mean, that's. That's surprising to me. Well, I was shocked, but I was also like, oh my gosh, Max's personality. Finn was sinking in his seat. He was so embarrassed that Max was talking. Max has no filter. He has no embarrassment. He's just like, yeah, right.

And I had to announce I was like, Oh, my sons are here. And then people started laughing even harder. And then so funny, because also you're, I've seen you when someone shouts something out, you will really calm.

just destroy them like not in a cruel way but you will if someone is like blah blah you'll be like I'm sorry what was that like and then you will not let it go like yeah I'll get into it you can't do that with it child but i was what he he didn't believe that i was on a bus with people that had penis hats on and that's what he was pushing against and that they were drinking out of penis shaped straws and i and i had to stop and go no

no no max this is a real story and he was like not and i was like i was like no max because he had never heard the story and he thinks he's heard all of my stories yeah um but anyway so that's my bachelorette story. Not is such a good heckle. It's so kind of 90s. It's so 90s. And just for him to be like, yeah, right. That's so good. It was amazing. I mean, when kids are little enough, they're like little drunk.

people like they're oh this was a yeah this was a two in the afternoon vegan benefit and um yeah the first time they had seen me live Some people just know they could save hundreds on car insurance by checking Allstate first. Like you know to check and see if your favorite singer-songwriter is coming to town this summer so you can be sure to get a ticket in the front row. Nothing's better than hearing those songs you've been listening to on moody walks, up close, and in person.

checking first is smart so check allstate first for a quote that could save you hundreds you're in good hands with allstate Savings vary, subject to terms, conditions, and availability. Allstate Fire and Casualty Insurance Company and affiliates, Northbrook, Illinois. I can't think of many bachelor or bachelorette parties I've been to, but...

The only one I'm thinking of is my friend Camille. And we were playing, it was a bunch of us and her mom was there. And we were playing this game of... of of like heads up or it was it was a game where you hold up things but she can't see what it is and then we describe it to her and she has to guess the thing and and we just forgot that it was so x-rated and her mom didn't know any of these things about her daughter. And Camille's like straight and marrying a man. And then the...

Clue came up and we're like, that girl that Camille slept with, you know, when she was wasted at university. And her mom's like, what? Not. Not. Yeah, right. Should we hear the answer? Yeah, might as well. That's why we're here, right? Off pod, I got to hear about Cameron Diaz. And she seems like a delightful person. Yeah, she's great. She's really great. My answer is yes. I got to plan my best friend Brittany's bachelorette party, which.

Brittany and her wife, Allie, are huge fans of the pod. So shout out to those two. I wanted to make sure we did something super memorable and unique. So I actually planned for us to do a beekeeping experience where we put on. bee suits and harvested honey you know we also went to like a gay bar and jumbo's clown room at the end of the night. But these were the highlight. Thanks for the podcast. It's been a real lifeline for me. Love you. Amazing. That's so nice to hear.

Beekeeping, I mean, that sounds like a regular weekend for me, like an insane activity like that. I do love a weird activity. I do love a beekeeper. Beekeeper, yeah.

Just to go back real quickly, when we were teeing up this question from our listener, you said, oh, I'd love to hear about Cameron Diaz. And I said, oh, yeah, she's she's great. Yeah. I have to praise her for a second because when Lake Bell was getting married, I had just come through all of the hell that I...

had gone through in 2012. And so I was just kind of getting back out into life. And she overheard me saying to somebody, I just need a vacation, you know? Yeah. And she said, Hey, she said, I have a house right on the ocean. And she said, it's the first place I ever bought. And it's not my house that I live in, but I would love it if you would go stay there.

have your vacation right on the water I did shut up I did I did oh my god that's incredible yeah yeah it was really like unbelievable because i couldn't go anywhere that was the other thing as i was saying is i had all of these doctor's appointments yeah and it just it just everything was so up in the air but it was really incredible what she did can i ask you if

If ever Stephanie's under the weather, there's an event that you have to go to and you need a plus one. I know I wouldn't be your first choice, but I would love to be your plus one to an event because I feel like, you know, everyone and I could just like.

grin and soak it all up and you could just be like this is a little cowboy i i know a lot of people but then you would know all the other people i don't know yeah we'd be a good team yeah because if i haven't worked with them or socialized with them i likely don't know them You don't know who they are at all. I have to be on a party bus with them or on a TV show or something. But anyway, so shout out to Cameron Diaz for the incredible, life-saving...

time away that she gave me. We should try and get a question from her. Yeah, that's a good idea. Yeah, that'd be great. All right, next question, huh? Yeah. Hi, handsome. My name's Carrie, and my question is...

What's the one thing or few things maybe that you have moved with you? all of your adult life from place to place. It could be total crap. It's not an heirloom, just something that you have moved with you that you can't seem to throw away. That is so funny. Great question. It really is. And so many things for me. Well, not so many. Actually, can I grab it? Yes. Okay. One sec. I'm just going to grab it. One sec. Oh my God. This is a YouTube highlight right now.

Oh, there's me. Okay, this is not the... I'm missing half of them, but basically I have like trinkets, right? And I used to have them all displayed, but... it became it felt too crowded or something but it's things like this magical small box like at the moment i got all these trinkets in here so magical small brass box and i've collected all these things what kind of magic

Well, it just has a certain magic to it. Okay. And then this is... By the way, showing me it again did not prove any sort of magic. This was a gift from someone. It's Baltic amber, and inside it has an insect inclusion, and it's 35 to 50 million years old. Oh my. Okay. Can you leave that to Max in your will? Yes. A hundred percent. Yeah. I mean, someone probably bought it on eBay and it could be fake, but yeah, just things like that. No chance that's fake from eBay.

This is a Victorian, I found this in an antique shop when I was like 20. It's a Victorian feng shui compass. And I don't know how to use it, but it's- Hold on to it. It's got like the I Ching symbols and a few, I mean, it's not pointing north right now, but it'll show you like, yeah, I don't know, things like that, that have a sort of power to them, but they're almost too powerful to have out.

So put them away. I'm putting them away now. What the hell are you doing? What about you? I've collected rock magazines. Over the years. Like Rolling Stone? Rolling Stone, Spin, Cream Magazine, all these different magazines. And in an unfortunate twist, though. No. are garage flooded and those got wet and molded and they were like classic classic old collectible

rock magazine so i have to next week i'm cleaning out the garage and part of that is saying goodbye to my yeah rock and roll magazine collection it wasn't like um a billion magazines it was just um like a crate full you know those things that you've had for so long that you just know those cover images so well and it's nostalgic like even did your parents have national geographic in the house no we had like national geographic magazine and there's just like a few iconic

covers that are just yeah that woman with the green eyes yes yes is that the most famous cover i think so yeah is it yeah Are they different color or they're just so green? I think they're just so green and her skin's very dark and she's really beautiful. Yeah. Everyone knows that cover. Yeah. Should we hear the answer? I think we should, Mae. Thomas, can we hear the answer? Please, Thomas. Thomas, please play it. Okay, since you asked so nicely. I'm in the middle of moving from...

Saudi Arabia back to the States. And I'm not doing a shipment. I'm doing everything in suitcases. The same as I did when I moved here to Saudi 10 years ago. And I realized I have a scrub, like a medical... top that medical professionals wear. I have one that I've moved, I've had it since college, and I've never worn it.

I cannot seem to get rid of it. I feel like I'm supposed—I don't know where it came from. I have no idea. I think maybe it was my mom's, but I don't know. I suppose I could ask her. Anyway, what's your saying that you've just— wagged from place to place and you can't get rid of. I look forward to hearing your answers and thank y'all for always making me laugh.

Oh, my gosh. Well, first of all, we already told you. But second of all, how much did she remind me of Julia Louis-Dreyfus? Oh, yeah. Now that you mention it. Yeah. Yeah. She's really delightful. We don't even know. if there are any doctors in the family like it seems to me like she's like maybe it was my mom's but like Shouldn't have a clue. Shouldn't have a clue. Shouldn't know what the hell's going on. Yeah. Classic Carrie, man. Lugging it around. Yeah. And it's an unworn...

Dr. Scrubs. Good luck with that. But I like what she almost said and then she kind of stopped herself. I feel like I'm supposed to have it or like I it'll cut like I feel like. There's a superstition there like that's in your life for a reason. So hold on to it. If you suddenly you suddenly have to do surgery on the go or something. Well, I've always got.

Shows coming up, you can go to my Instagram and see I post about comedy shows or maymartinmusic.com. I'm at Largo June 17th, but maybe that's already passed. But yeah, check out maymartinmusic.com. What about you, Tig? Well, I'm at tignotaro.com. I have some really fun shows coming up. If you're sitting around going, I would love to see Tig live, I might be headed your way. So tignotaro.com. Also, go to speak.

geekpipe.com slash handsome pod and leave us more questions. These have been so much fun to hear and answer and hear your answer. And also rate. Subscribe, review the podcast, YouTube. Get on there, subscribe, share an episode with friends because we really want to keep building this handsome community because it really is a handsome community. Am I right, Mae? A hundred percent. It's the handsomest and the most community-ish. That's true.

Couldn't have said it better. And until next time, what do you say we keep it pretty handsome? Yeah. Handsome is hosted by me, Mae Martin, Tig Notaro, and Fortune Feimster. The show is produced, recorded, and edited by Thomas Ouellette. Email us at handsomepod at gmail.com. And please follow us on social media at handsomepod. What a podcast! That was a hate gun podcast. Some people just know they could save hundreds on car insurance by checking Allstate first.

like you know to check that when you go to sleep your pets are all cozy and tucked in for the night whether that's on the couch in their little cozy corner with a blanket or maybe even right next to your bed Checking first is smart, so check Allstate first for a quote that could save you hundreds. You're in good hands with Allstate. Savings vary, subject to terms, conditions, and availability. Allstate Fire and Casualty Insurance Company & Affiliates, Northbrook, Illinois.