This is a HeadGum Podcast. Pretty Little Episode. Hello and welcome to a pretty little episode. I'm Mae Martin, joined by the bedazzling... Fortune Feimster. I'm bedazzled. Yeah, why did I say, I should have just said dazzle because bedazzled means you've actually stuck gems to you, right? Which could happen. I don't know what you're rocking. Maybe I've got jeans right now that are full of... Rhinestones.
That was such a thing for a while. And vajazzle, remember that? Oh, that's for your vajayjay. Yes. The ladies would put little, I don't know, stars or things around. That was one of those things that was like... had a bejazzled punchline or something. Yeah. Right. I've never seen them in person on anyone. No, and I want to. Maybe we'll make a comeback. Yeah. This seems like hot glue.
I know. Like, are they super glued on? Like, how do you, yeah. Gotta be a hot glue. A hot glue. Have you ever done any like candle wax? Sexual things? Oh, God, no. Okay. I'm assuming that means you have. I have, but...
i've done with regular candles and then i've done with candles specifically for that where they're like always like an oil or something yeah like it doesn't get too hot or something but yeah how did the regular candle work out better actually there's something that the the specific candles it's like Because it's not really painful. It's just like an annoying feeling. Like it's like almost painful and it just makes you want to slap the person.
because you're just like ah stop and what do you do you're just pouring wax on you know you tie someone up you're dripping wax on them i don't know or vice versa wow we have very different you know i'll try anything but you know what why not why not i like that you explore i think it's great thank you and as you can see My love life is very happy and I'm very fulfilled. JK, JK. What I do see is you in a, it looks like you're in a new space.
Yeah, I'm in my new house. And yeah, it's really still coming together. I'm like, weirdly, because they're building, I'm like crouched on the ground here. Yeah, I was worried about you getting your leg falling asleep or something. It did. It did. And I powered through. Are you enjoying this new space? Yeah. I'm like unpacking boxes that I've actually been in boxes for years that I never unpacked at previous places. And I'm finding, I'm finding like.
I guess two years ago I was like, this is so important. And it's like a little. clay sculpture that I did of a man. I don't know. It's nice to have my personality around me, you know, and be more settled, but it's all covered in like dust and sheets right now. And yeah. I find in the beginning, like when I bought my first house, that it's so exciting because you're like, this is mine.
It's my space. It's permanent. I mean, as permanent as you end up making it. Yeah. But as far as like you're not renting, you can do whatever you want to the walls or whatnot. But there is this pressure you feel. To just get it all done in one go. And just know that you don't have to have your entire house fixed or decorated. It can be a year before it's all done. That's so true. I'm like...
I'm too pumped envisioning like dinner parties and stuff. So I'm trying to get everything done, but you're right. Sometimes you have to live in it first and see what you. Yeah. Cause it will change what you want to do. Yeah. And. You can go room by room. I always say start with the den and your bedroom. Yes. Yeah. Well, I bought houseplants for the first time ever, like real, real ones. Yeah. And they came, I found this company online and they came like.
I ordered four plants and they're going to get delivered already potted and everything. This company... over communicated so much. I had texts, I had emails, I had like, yeah, just being like, well, I'm in traffic, but I'll probably be there in 45. I'm like, okay. And then Well, so have you ever had plants before? You could just go to Home Depot and buy some plants. I should have. But also now I'm really like.
You know, on Instagram, I see a lot about how you've got to talk to plants and they're magical and they respond to love. So I've been like. Like the first night with these plants, I was like, guys, you know, I know it's probably been stressful to get here, but like, we're going to have a really good year. And then I said out loud, I was like, I'm going to take really good.
care of you just like tell me what you need and like we'll take care of each other and then I thought imagine if I was the plant I'd be like They want us to tell them what we need. Like, we can't speak. What do you mean? Just water and sun. I'm dying. Yeah. And they're like, wait, you want us to take care of you as well? How? Are you scared at all there by yourself or it feels pretty comfy cozy? I'm scared, of course. Yeah, I've got a big gate, but it is scary being.
alone in a house for sure yeah yeah and I hear little noises and things and yeah but there's a possum that I saw that lives around me and um it was nice to meet him and I hope I made a good impression because Yeah. Do you have any wildlife living around you that you do you ever feed?
birds or anything sure don't well you got biggie you don't need the possum to be on your side big like crows around they're a nuisance you think you want to put out a bird thing but it would attract the those birds and they're A real pain in the ass. Really? Well, just because they're loud and... aggressive yeah yeah at my old house we had a large fountain in the front yard and they would like murder each other in this mountain
Seriously? I swear to God. Like, to the death? Like, to the death. Oh my God. Dead crows. on the reg in this thing and we're like what's happening there's enough water for all of you that's so dark i know but in the south though my grandmother had like a bird bath or bird feeder and you would get these really beautiful little birds and it's just all crows i i knew a guy who was this is in my teens and this guy was like a pretty big coke head and he had uh he had pet budgies and he was so kind of
I don't know. Cocaine, I think, warps your moral compass. It makes you a little sinister sometimes if you do enough of it. And he fed these budgies turkey. He kept feeding them meat of other birds. And they became like, they got a taste for it and they became really aggressive and animalistic. And it was really, it was really dark. The things Coke will do. I know. The trickle down effect. And then one night, one morning I found him.
fully clothed in the bathtub, no water in the bath. And I said, what are you doing in the bath? And he went, Didn't you put me in the bath? That was pretty funny. Dark times, dark times. Yeah, dark times. But guess what? You're in happy times. starting anew, and I love it for you. Thank you. I feel that. Yeah, there's a lot of sunlight in the house.
I'm excited to have people over to paint animals and hang out. Yeah, put your friends to work. Yeah, exactly. No, no, just to paint whimsical paintings of animals. Oh, I thought you meant to paint a wall. Which I have had friends do.
They're like, I'll make dinner and... provide booze if you can help me like paint my fence or something i like that that gives me a sense of community yeah i won't do that to you don't worry all right i was coming for the food yeah hang out let's get to some questions let's do it
Hi, Ansoms. My name is Chelsea. I'm a pretty little lady from Winnipeg in Canada. Big fan of the podcast. Shout out to May. I've been a fan of yours for a while. You're the reason I started listening to the podcast. So thank you so much. My question to you is... with the exception of stories that get told around the holidays. What is something that you were told as a kid that you believed to be true that ended up not being true, but you believed it for an embarrassingly long time? Oh man.
True love. I mean, I think we were all sold a kind of lie about romance and love. Rom-coms, dude. Yes, because we always see these like... toxic passionate things like good guys stalking a girl or something like um yeah you've got mail is so toxic and like romeo and juliet and we we thought that that's what love was these big passion right yes I do think it tainted people in that if your relationship isn't full of that kind of passion, you think it's bad or wrong.
Yes. And I'm like, no, actually, it's pretty normal not to have that level of passion because that passion leads to other, like you said, toxic things. Yeah. And also it puts so much emphasis on just. That's great. But relationships are also, it's a choice. It's like, you know, it's making that decision every day and like putting work into it. And there's never a movie about that, about the day to day life.
The actual work it takes. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, because it's all romanticized. You're seeing the best versions of people falling in love. Mm-hmm. Not like... Hey, we got bills to pay. Yeah. Yeah. We're tired. Oh yeah. We're tired. Yeah. What about I, my mom told me that. And they told me everything. Like they didn't, they never let me believe in Santa. Like they told me, no, they said that's a lie. And they said, there's no God. Like they were really.
like wildly like i was really jaded as a kid but they um you don't seem jaded to me now thank you well no you said you were jaded when you were young So when do you think that that evolved into not being jaded? It was more like I had too much information at a young age, I think. Like I knew too much about like the adult world.
But I remember still wanting to believe in Santa and being like, no, I still want to leave cookies out for him. And my parents being like, but you know, it's just us. We're just going to eat the cookies. And I was like, let me live.
fine that's fine let me write the letter we have some magic yeah yeah um what about you were you like a whimsical child that believed in like magical things and creatures and yeah i believed in santa but i was always trying to get to the bottom of how much santa paid for things Right. The logistics. I always was trying to like look for price tags and I'd be like, there's a price tag on this. Yeah. And it's like. My mom would be like. Get off my back.
So yeah, I was like, wanted the magic, but also wanted to... know like the logic of it right like so i had both sides But I did love looking in the sky and trying to see Santa and whatnot. But I believed in that stuff to the proper age. And then whenever that age is that you're like, okay. The only thing I can think of, there's nothing that's coming to my brain as far as like beliefs. My mom, we weren't very forward when I'm talking about like.
the human body or sex or anything like that. We just didn't talk about it. My mom would call, this is so embarrassing, my mom would call the vagina a boom boom. Oh my god, why isn't Tig here?
I just called it a boom boom for, like, so long. Like, too long. Like, into high school? I think maybe to, like, late junior high. Oh, my God. And I said it in front of my... friend's mom like and she and my friend's mom was like what and i was you know you're oh my god and um they my friend started dying laughing and i'm like what that's what I was like, Oh my God. Let's face it. Like.
Vagina is not a great word. It's not a great word. It's not fun to say. Boom Boom was way better. Boom Boom is pretty badass, yeah. So that was highly embarrassing when they realized I did not know the medical. um term vagina i only call it a boom boom so she would be like did you wash your boom boom or like yeah Ow, I fell right on my boot. Yeah. Oh my God. I love that. What did she call a penis? Um, I don't.
recall yeah i guess ask your brother i bet there was something weird like a like a don don so yeah that was very embarrassing So thanks for the memory. Yeah. My mom told me that she was Pippi Longstocking and that the books were based on her because she had red hair. And it used to infuriate me because on. On some level, I knew it wasn't true, but there was a...
slight possibility it was and it would just drive me insane. I'd be like, no, you're not. She'd be like, I am. Well, thanks for that question. Wait, I want to hear this answer from Chelsea. So one time I was with my dad and my brother, and we were at a local golf center. And to enter this building, there was a revolving door. And we were on our way out. My dad was paying, I think, for the time we had been playing mini golf or something.
My brother and I were just kids and being bratty, and we were running around through the revolving door, and my dad told us to quit it. And when I asked why, he sort of said, that's because you could suffocate in there. So I believed until well into my, I think, early 20s that if you spent too much time in a revolving door or if you went through it too slowly, that you would, in fact, suffocate.
And when I finally learned that that wasn't true, not only was I so embarrassed, but I was shocked at how long I went thinking that that could be true. That's really good. It worked. I probably didn't spend too much time on one of those revolving doors. Yeah, and I guess if you spent tons, like maybe you could one day suffocate if you spent like a month in there.
But, you know, when you're a parent and you just don't want your kid to do something, you throw that stuff out. Like, yeah, you don't, you know. Do you remember like an urban myth about somebody?
while sitting down you down out of it it's like your guts out your bum yeah i heard that one yeah yeah i think i still get weird about flushing in an airplane yeah should we hear another one hi handsome pod this is christella from austin texas may take fortune love you guys as a trio and love you guys individually here is my question Is there a name that you've always... Maybe you thought you would change your name to that someday or you would have a child name that someday.
And how do you like it? Great question. It's great. It's great. I would love to, I've always thought I would like to name my son Bugs or Buster. Bugs. Yeah, Buster after Buster Keaton. I like Buster. You do? And how do you feel about Bugs? Bugs is... I mean, listen, teach their own. It's a little more out there. Like Bugs Bunny. Yeah. Bugs Bunny always comes out on top.
Bugs to me seems like a pet name. And it could be because of Bugs Bunny. Yeah. Buster, I can see being a little kid. Bugs could be the nickname of Buster. I also really like the idea of... Benny for a girl, like Benny and the Jets.
I've never wanted kids, so I've never spent too much time thinking about what... invisible kids names were yeah what about if you were trans what would you want your boy name to be i feel like sometimes you take whatever your name is and make it the masculine version of it yeah i don't know what fortune Would equate to Frank.
Frank. I definitely wouldn't want Frank. You wouldn't? Frank Feimster's pretty good. I know, I do like the alliteration. Yeah, alliteration's key. Fort? Can I just be called Fort? Fortford. Fortford. Yeah, what other? Oh, Frederick. If I was going to be a boy, my mom was going to name me Alexander. And call me Alex for short. That would have been fine. Yeah, that's nice. My favorite name is Fortune. I've told this before, but I grew up...
The one by my first name, Emily. Yes. And Fortune's my middle name and an old family name and very much. My grandmother was very proud of the fortune name. It was her mother's maiden name, and there was a bunch of fortunes in her family. She really wanted me to be named Fortune, but I also genuinely like the name Fortune. It's incredible. Yeah. And Fortune Feimster, like, you gotta be...
Famous with that name. That's right. Who wants to listen to Emily Feimster do comedy? No one. Emily Feimster actually. Truly, I'm changing the channel. I took my mom's... maiden name or they or she gave it to me my brother got my dad's and then my mom just does like a feminist thing I think was like I want one of the kids to have my name and then And then like the alliteration says May Martin. Yeah, you have it too. Yeah. Yeah, I like it. Should we hear Cristela's? Mm-hmm.
I always liked the name Tabitha. I thought I would have a child name that someday or maybe change my name to that because that was the name of Samantha's daughter on Bewitch. and i've since had a daughter that is not her name and i have no desire to change my name to that but that's okay thanks for all the laughs guys and see you in austin in april yeah wait so christella's just totally gone off her own idea there
She's like, I always wanted to do this, and now I haven't done it, and I don't want to. But Tabitha's cool. I think those are coming back in style, sort of old-timey names, like your Agathas, your Tabithas. Agathas and Tabithas are really making a comeback. Eleanor. Oh, yeah. My grandma's name was Evelyn. Oh, Evelyn's a great name. Yeah, I like the unique names, like the ones you don't hear. often yeah me too so bugs it is so much bugs yeah i'm so glad she's coming to that show in austin um
That shows like almost 3,000 people. It's going to feel pretty electric, I think. And then the Ryman is a huge theater too, but it's such an iconic theater. Yeah. You talk about being a musician. Have you ever been to the Ryman? Never. Go a little bit early and just walk through the halls and go into the rooms. There's all these...
Really cool posters. You see the history of the place and all the musicians who play there. It's pretty special. Yeah, I love that kind of thing. I feel like theaters especially, not to get all like woo-woo, but I feel like... they have like an energetic echo of all these audiences that have been there over the years and all this, like all these good vibes. I don't know. I love an empty theater and like, yeah, being in that.
a space like that also i went to there's this weird museum in london that has like like curiosities and like odds and ends and they have all this stuff that I guess cleaners at different concert venues have taken from green rooms after bands have been there and they have yeah and they have uh used condom from the rolling stones
And they have the poo of Kylie Minogue. No. In a jar. Why do they have that? I don't know. It must have been unflushed, which I'm like, really? Kylie would flush. I think this is going to be bullshit. Yeah, she seems like a flusher. Now that I'm thinking about it, I'm like, was this just an immersive art thing? But it felt real. I would be mortified. I found out that was in a museum. Oh my God. I'd go sign it, but.
Oh, yeah, that would be humiliating. What would they find in our green room after we left? It'd be so tame. It'd be like our last green room in Toronto had a little charcuterie board. I always ask for those because I love them. Yes. And we had a pizza. And we had those bonnets that someone in the audience gave us. I'm so stoked. It's so fun to go to these. live shows because people have such a great energy, but you get to bring them to other places, other states.
Very exciting. Yeah. Well, awesome. Well, keep sending in your questions at speakpipe.com slash handsome. If you have anything you want to know. ask us, but also we're here to give advice as well. Don't shy away from that. Oh, that would be cool. Relationship advice or you've got a problem at work. We can't promise it's great advice, but we'll give it. You can check out maymartinmusic.com to see if I've got any.
tour dates i'm in i'm in la toronto new york and london playing my album and then also i'm always at largo in la doing new stuff and yeah what about you fortune Yeah, I'm at the Irvine California Comedy Club working on my material as well as the club in Huntsville, Alabama. And then my... Tour starts in Savannah, Georgia, Charleston, South Carolina, Albuquerque, Phoenix. Rockford, Illinois, Greensboro, North Carolina, and Roanoke, Virginia. I guess until next time, all there remains.
Handsome is hosted by me, Fortune Feimster, Tig Notaro, and Mae Martin. The show is produced, recorded, and edited by Thomas Ouellette. Email us at handsomepod at gmail.com and follow us on social media at handsomepod. What a podcast! What a podcast! That was a hate gum podcast.