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This content is intended for audiences in the U.S. only. Savings vary, terms apply. Allstate Fire and Casualty Insurance Company and Affiliates, Northbrook, Illinois. This is a HeadGum Podcast. Pretty little episode. It takes me by surprise every time. Every single time. It's a delight every time. At first, it's not a delight. It's just flat out shocking.
that it's a pretty little episode. I know. I don't remember ever recording that even. I don't either. I don't believe it's us, honestly. I don't think so either. Tig, do you always feel a little bit like we're having a clandestine meeting? Every single time. Yeah, I just feel like we're cheating every time. Yeah, yeah. I think people saw it happening, though. I think they saw it coming between the two of us. The eagle-eyed.
were noticing little glances. Now, on a real note, who would be the ones out of the three of us that would hook up? Like really who, who? That's a really good question. I think.
I think I could flirt with fortune till the cows come home and she wouldn't know that I was flirting with her. Like it wouldn't even occur to her. Whereas I feel like if I. went hard on you there I might there might be some cracks I could get in there like you might at least know what I was doing not cracks in your relation but you'd be like okay okay yeah the ball would be in your court
So you feel like you could break me down a bit? I think at least I'd get in your head. You'd be falling asleep at night thinking, that was weird today. Yeah. Interesting. What was that about? Yeah. And how would you flirt with me to, you know, because we're co-workers and we don't. really hang out too much because we're in different countries. So how are you going to make this known to me? Okay, it's going to start with just Zoom co workers.
Okay. This is how it's going to start. And Thomas is always there. He's always the bearing witness. Yeah. And he's got headphones on listening and he's got a camera watching. So how are you going to get in here with me? Okay. First. We're going to log on to do a regular episode. So Fortune's here. Thomas is here. You're here. And weirdly, I only say hi to you. I go, hi, Tig. That's how it starts.
And you completely ignore fortune. Well, later, you know, I'm chatting, but just a little high take. And then that'll get in my head. I'll be like, wow. I wonder why May didn't say hi to Fortune. Yeah, yeah. And then it might, because we're in different cities, it might be little handwritten things up here in the mail from a secret admirer. Really? And you think the hi-tig.
And then me getting handwritten top secret stuff in my mailbox, I'd connect the two. I don't know if the high take will be enough. That's a stretch because it takes a lot for me. You basically have to say. I like you. Okay, well, that would be my next step. Oh, I told you the secret. Now I'm vulnerable. How would you flirt with me? Oh.
And let's say this has really lodged itself in your mind and for some reason you've decided this is the right move. Well, here's how I think I flirt with everyone. Yeah. But also... It's what I do to people I'm not even flirting with, which is I tease them. I know. I know. And so I wouldn't distinguish. I might be like, oh, Tig's going really hard on me. And I'd be giggling. I'd be laughing.
You'd be giggling. I would be giggling like a school girl. Okay. And then do you tease people when you're trying to get something going on? I do, but also... Usually the people that I'm going for are sort of high status and they're the ones making fun of me. And so I just kind of fall into that role and then I kind of amp it up. Okay. Okay. I've been accused of flirting with people that I wasn't flirting with.
Because you were making fun of them in a really charming way. I just like, I don't know if it was charming. I think it might have been relentless. Bullying. No, not bullying, but just like, oh, my God. There's certain personalities. You just. Yeah. you can't stop me. Yeah, like, I cannot, I can't be stopped. I mean, there is something nice when someone makes fun of you. It's like they see you, you know, they're paying extra attention. They're noticing your weird little
quirks and stuff. For sure. For sure. Okay. And your normal little quirks. Yeah. Normal and weird quirks. Okay. So I'd kind of noticed that you were doing that more than usual. Yeah. And then how would you cross the line? How would you... How would I get this going on? Like a late night text? You up? It's 1am. Well... Yeah, I guess I might be up because I do have trouble sleeping. So maybe I would just text you and say, hi, May. Oh, my God. That would honestly be a lie.
That's a really cool move. I'd be like, take notice my high tick. Yeah. And then hi, May. But it would come like weeks later, you know, because I would have thought it out. I'd think it through. I'd be like, oh, this is coming on too hard here. Right. You play a really long game. Oh, when I was interested in Stephanie, I texted her once a month. Yeah, that's...
Impressive. I'm like verbal diarrhea, texting, sending memes. What, sending memes, like, I always get confused with memes and emojis. Memes are like... Like little short videos. Yeah. Or a picture, but yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Actually, maybe I wouldn't do that. Maybe I'd be cooler than that at this stage in my life.
I don't think so. I don't think so either. My inbox would be full of memes. So but do you agree that we'd be the more likely pair out of the three of us? Or do you think you and Fortune would have something going on? I feel like Fortune would respond to both of us like, I don't know, bud. Just real like, yeah. I'm going to go home with Biggie and Jack's bud. And then you and I are like, okay, well, we're going to hook up then. If we can't have fortune, we're going to hook up. Exactly. Exactly.
Well, I'm glad we got that out of the way. Me too. Me too. Yeah. How's your day going? Good. I have a lot of lines and Polly Hunter. The star of our show likes to rehearse. So sometimes that takes up my weekends. Right. I respect that. I'm a rehearser. Listen, I respect it. So much. I just it makes me nervous. Yeah. Because I guess I am used to showing up to a scene prepared and I guess I am prepared.
I can't even say I'm used to showing up prepared because I struggle in this line of work. But rehearsal, you're really fumbling through it. Yeah. Yeah. Early stage. And I don't know. But I think it's it's ultimately great for everybody to have rehearsal time. There was once there was a guy in. my show feel good who we had written in the script that he had to do chin-ups or pull-ups either one it was like he has to do like five or six and so he spent months like
learning. And then when he showed up on the day, it just wasn't the same equipment that he thought it was going to be. And it really threw him off. And that's the thing with rehearsing. Sometimes you might get it one way in your head and then you show up and the director says something totally different. Yeah, yeah, for sure. Well, hopefully I don't have to do any of that sort of exercising. Yeah. Because I'm definitely not prepared for that.
You show up and they're like, we were thinking this starts with you pumping iron. Twice your body weight. Yeah. But that's, it's good. And what about your day? Yeah, my day's good. I went to the gym and... I'm really noticing. I was pumping iron. I was getting, getting big, but I'm really noticing that I'm a messy person. Like the place I'm staying is I'm, is.
So messy and I've barely been here anytime and I'm having to like face myself and look. And you just noticed you're messy? Yeah, maybe. Like I, I leave cupboard doors open. It's not like dirty, like food mess, but just. Empty boxes. You're pretty tidy, yeah? I am tidy, but I have a problem area, which is my, I think I've talked about it, my kid's art pile. And it is growing.
Massively. And I'm, I'm, you know, in the back of my mind, I'm like, I'm going to do something with this. And I think a lot of parents do that. I just saw a thing advertised where you can send it away and they scan it. Everybody's told me. But I want to do something with the actual art. Right, right. But I'll sort this out. I went to stay at my friend's house and she had made a quilt out of like old jeans and stuff. I think it was like a loved one.
past. She made this quilt out of all their old clothes. And before I left, because I was staying in the guest bedroom, I left a little note in one of the pockets of the jeans that have been used in the quilt. I was just like, whoever finds it, finds it. No one might ever find it. Yeah. Yeah. Well, if it gets washed, it's gone. That's true. Yeah. Yeah. But being a messy person, you wouldn't know about washing quilts. Oh, no, I'm obsessed with laundry.
I love doing laundry, but then I don't fold it. Oh yeah. Yeah. You love it. I love it. I find it relaxing and I, it makes me feel like I'm taking care of my family, getting their little clothes ready for the week and you know, all of that kind of stuff. Folding their little clothes. Oh my God. Yeah. So matching socks and all that. Did you ever, before you kind of settled, like when I was first kind of living in my own places and stuff, did you go to the laundromat ever? Did you have that?
That was a big part of my life for a while. Yeah, yeah, I definitely went there. I remember Sarah Silverman went with me one time to do my laundry and she pulled one of my flannels out and she said, If I didn't know you were here, I would think there was a little tiny lumberjack doing laundry. A tiny lumberjack.
Some people just know they could save hundreds on car insurance by checking Allstate first. Like you know how to check that you have your passport before heading over the pond for a handsome holly bob. Yeah! Checking first is smart. So check Allstate first for a quote that could save you hundreds. You're in good hands with Allstate. This content is intended for audiences in the U.S. only. Savings vary. Terms apply.
Allstate Fire and Casualty Insurance Company and Affiliates, Northbrook, Illinois. But yeah, I used to spend a good amount of time in laundromats. Me too. Yeah. Those are the days where you could be bored and enjoy boredom and just sit there, watch the clothes turn. Yes. It'd be some shitty TV on the wall playing like Dr. Phil. Oh my God. Nobody would possibly do that now. I know. Yeah.
It's all phones. Also, internet cafes. People used to go and just spend 14 hours playing Diablo or video games and they would just live off of like ramen noodles and chips. And I don't think that's a culture anymore. Wow, I'm not even familiar. It was crazy. There was a guy called Diablo Dave in Toronto who...
I think lived in an internet cafe. Wow. Just playing for, and he would make money by selling like items that you can collect in the game. He'd be like, well, I got a battle X. You can buy it for $4. You know, it's very likely he's listening to us. I hope so. Should we see what our listeners want to ask us? Maybe there'll be a question from him.
Sure. Good evening, handsomes. My name is Shem. It's a little bit after midnight here in Salt Lake City, and I'm up with my new son, baby Zeke, who is not quite three weeks old. We would love to know... If you were part of a community of woodland creatures and also a small business owner, what animal would you be and what would be your job? For example, you could be a squirrel that runs a bakery.
Or a tortoise that provides affordable marriage counseling? Oh my gosh. That's one of my favorite questions we've had in a while. Yeah, it's good. And I immediately know that I'd be a beaver. Working on the dam. Working on the dam. Just on your own dam? Or can people hire you to work on their dams? I mean, I'm for hire, for sure. But... Man, what is better than seeing a beaver working their little beaver face and teeth off, just trying to get everything.
The fact that animals know what they're supposed to do is the craziest thing in the world. That's so true, actually, like that the beaver is not like. I'll build a tree house. It's like, no, no, I got to build a dam. And then here comes the new babies building the dam. But I guess that's what beavers do. And maybe. I'm being asked or we're being asked, what would we do? Yeah. Like a little business, like a, what's the beaver's passion aside from, you know? Yeah.
I would say the beaver probably works at the tennis courts. I love that there's tennis courts. Are they using little acorns for balls? Probably, but they're using their little tail. Oh, my God. Yes. Like it's the tennis coach is exactly a smack. What about you? I would be a, an old badger and I live. I'm a sort of bachelor and old, and I live in a, my little badger den and I make, um, I'm a sculptor and yeah. And you can commission.
stuff and you can bring found objects and I'll turn them into art. And yeah, I'm a badger sculptor, I think. Wow. And tiny sculptures or math? I'm changing my mind about it all. Can I be a rabbit that makes soup? I want to be a rabbit. I would hope there's carrots in there. Yeah, a rabbit is making this really good smelling soup out of my little rabbit Warren and you can come and I'll give you a little cup of soup. Yeah, I like that.
Yeah. That's better than this old bachelor badger where you bring garbage to and he turns it into art. I don't like that. Yeah. Out that goes. Yeah. Should we hear what Shem has to say? I would be a porcupine that runs a 24-hour library. Porcupines are ridiculous and beautiful, and I would love to be able to go to get a new book at four in the morning. Thanks. Love the show. Great.
I mean, Shem is just hitting it. Yeah. And also he said it was midnight when he was sending this message. So, well, it sounds like a midnight message. Yeah. Yeah. Thank you, Shem. And congrats on your little tiny cub. Yes. And on your 24 hour library. Yeah. I can't wait to hear what the little cub does for a living in the woods. Oh my God. Zeke. Zeke. Um, all right, let's, uh, let's move it along. Hi, handsomes. My name's Lucy, long-term listener. Love the pod.
I live in England and I'm hoping that my accent might sway you to feature my question. I know you're always talking about cute accents and I don't know if mine's cute, but here we go. It's British, so it's worth a shot. My question is that I want you to imagine that you are 80 years old and you have a genie come to you and the genie says, you're 80 years old, you can go back.
and have one perfect day from any point in your life and you get to pick what day that is and you get to relive it and redo it. But you've probably then only got a few months left and then you're going to snuff it. Or you can have another five years. So you'll live till you're 85. But it's just going to be kind of your average life between 80 and 85. So, yeah, I would like to know what you would choose.
And in this scenario, you're not doing great, she's saying. Yeah, I mean, I guess you just live an average life for five years, right? Right. Or you go out in a bang. Go out in a bang. And when you go back and live the perfect day, I wonder if you're still 80 or you go back to being young. Yeah, I guess. We just have to decide. From her answer, it's like you're back in that day, however you were. Okay, okay.
And then you die right after that? Yes. I, you know, I think because I have children, I would take the average. the average long stretch just because I'd want to see I want to see what goes on with them you know I want to see what what they become what their life is what they're up to how they're doing I think I'm going to take the five years, too, because even if your life is average or your health isn't great, you can read books and...
Yeah, five years is a long time. No, I'm going to take the five years. Yeah, also in the five years, someone might invent something that means... you know, you live, you upload your consciousness and live another hundred years. And somebody might invent something that means that could make those five years not so average. Yeah. Yeah. So hold out hope for that. Or they could invent a time machine and then you could also have the one day.
There's so many options. Yeah. And I don't even know what, I don't know what day I would choose. Cause I'd also be worried that I'd go back and it wouldn't be what I remembered or I'd mess it up. Yeah. You don't want to take that chance. Yeah. Okay. We're both taking the five years.
yeah another example of how compatible we are truly this episode is very sexy i would choose to go back and have one perfect day i don't really know what it's like to be 80 but my grandparents said it's yeah you know take it or leave it so i think i would go back and i would choose i know exactly what day it is it's a sunday and me and my husband have not had children yet um so we're not permanently exhausted and we are
lie in bed on a sunday morning and it's beautiful day i'm just cuddling up and my husband just said to me do you want to go for a roast dinner at the pub and i was like yeah okay and we just did and it was great food And we had a lazy dog walk and just watched telly. And it was just so peaceful and so calm. And I don't know why it was one of the best days ever, but it just was. You know, that's a great day, but I have to be honest. It also sounds like a classic day of an 80 year old.
That's so true. A lazy, like where the highlight is a pub lunch. Yeah. Yeah. Also so funny that she wants to go back to before her kids were born. Lucy. Classic Lucy. That's our Lucy. That's our Lucy. Yeah. Very British answer as well. Yeah. Couldn't be more. British. Yeah. I mean, through pub in there, you got to. A lovely, perfect day. Well, we did it, May. We pulled it off again.
We pulled it off again, and we were able to be professional, even though there's a lot simmering between us. Yeah, we kept it together. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, we did. For now. For now. Beads of sweat. pouring down my well Diablo Dave if you're listening there's still a chance for you to send it a question go to speakpipe.com slash handsome pod
Please keep sending your questions. We're loving these. It's so fun. Yes, indeed. See if you can beat Shem's question. That was really good. Yeah. And don't forget, tickets are available for our live streamed. exciting holiday show, December 21st, and you can go to our socials to get tickets. May, it was a pleasure. And until next time, keep it pretty handsome.
Handsome is hosted by me, Mae Martin, Tig Notaro, and Fortune Feimster. The show is produced, recorded, and edited by Thomas Ouellette. Email us at handsomepod at gmail.com. And please follow us on social media at handsomepod. What a podcast! What a podcast! That was a HeadGum podcast. Some people just know they could save hundreds on car insurance by checking Allstate first. Like you know to check what time the headliner starts playing before going to a concert.
yeah checking first is smart so check allstate first for a quote that could save you hundreds you're in good hands with allstate this content is intended for audiences in the u.s only savings vary terms apply Allstate Fire and Casualty Insurance Company and Affiliates. Northbrook, Illinois.