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You're in good hands with Allstate. Not available in every state. Based on the national average annual savings for new home insurance customers surveyed in 2023 who switched to Allstate and reported savings. Savings vary. This is a HeadGum Podcast. pretty little episode welcome to the pretty little episode i'm your host fortune beamster joined of course by me may martin may
Martin. Buddy, you have been going through it there in Toronto, filming crazy scenes. I don't know what in the world you are. in right now I know and then I don't want to give spoilers and stuff but when I talk about it it reminds me of like my mom was writing this book for a while and she would drop things and be like Like I was reading a newspaper article where a guy in Japan hid in a composting toilet and filmed women.
And then she'd go, oh, something similar happens in my book. And we'd all be like, what is this book about? And that's kind of what it feels like when I tell you guys about the show. I'm like, oh, I was filming this thing. And it's like, what is this show? I don't really. know anymore also you have to really love what's the word buttholes vaginas to hide in compost and to see it at such a very close-up angle
What are you even seeing? It's darkness. I think it's about more than just liking. To me, that feels like you like getting. peed and pooed on oh god i can't believe this is where he was in a wetsuit this is a true news story well that is helpful but yeah that's a weird kink I'm glad I'm very not into that stuff. But that is funny that your mom's like, very similar to my book. Yeah, it'll be random things. It'll, yeah, she'll see like a pigeon eating sort of.
an old dumpling on the street. She's like, makes me think of my book. I'm like, what is happening in this book? Y'all are both creative writers in that way. I guess so. Yeah. Yeah. How are you? How's the fam? What's going on? Everybody's good. I just got back from a friend's birthday trip. A birthday trip is like... A birthday trip, bold. Yeah, it's super fun, but also a lot of people.
Right. Did you know all the other people? I knew them, but not everybody super well. So Jax and I were the friends trying to like... mind our p's and q's and like does anybody need anything you know what can we help with like you don't want to be like the two people everyone's like god they haven't done anything yeah Yeah. Clean up after dinner, you know, something like that. Oh, I know. Don't you think that big groups breathe that kind of thing? Of course. So did this.
And even if people say they're not, there's someone there who's got an internal list of who brought what, who did what. Who's contributed, who's paid for what, who's cleaned, who hasn't. And we didn't want to be the bad ones. I'm always like, just tell me what to do because I just won't think of it or I'm just having a nice time. But it's not that I don't want to help and contribute. Like I went on one group trip and then.
Everyone was packing up to leave. And I guess I was like, I got to go quickly do a spell.
so i wrote i had decided like that on this weekend i was gonna write down my wishes it was a new moon buried it under a plant okay so i'm like in my mind that's a priority so we're like all packing up i'm like oh gotta remember so i leave the spell yeah and then on the ride home everyone was real quiet because i guess they'd been cleaning the whole airbnb and i'd been like i i just didn't even think of it i don't know they're like so
Totally they were pissed because everyone's cleaning and you're outside just like, you know, doing like your hands like a magic trick. Yeah. And you're like, this is like equally important. They're like, but it's not. I'm like, we're all going to benefit from this spell, guys. What is the benefit of... Why do you end the trip with a spell? Please tell me first and our listeners. Well, I don't know. In this particular case, I think it was a new... I mean...
What if we're living in a simulation and all of reality is just based on our intention? Okay. So if you're going, hey, my intention is this. This is what I want. I don't know. Look, I sound really.
spiritual these days i'm really you know well when i think of spells i guess i'm thinking of the tv version where i'm putting a spell on you oh meaning like a curse right no or a love potion no oh i would love either one it can go either way but a spell i don't think of in terms of like we had a great weekend and let me close this let me close this weekend with a
mantra prayer whatever yeah a reflection but really truly in my mind it was like okay um rose is doing the dishes camille's emptying the garbages may's doing the spell like i was like i'm an important part of this And now it may has not been invited back to a group trip since. I used to be the person and I probably still guilty of this and the same, like, tell me what you need. Tell me what to do. I'll do it.
I've learned from Jax to be a little bit more proactive because she's super proactive. So, yeah, I was trying to be like cleaning up more and unloading the dishwasher more. And, oh, we don't have ice. Let's get some ice at the store. That kind of thing. Yeah. I was pretty proud of myself. No. I haven't taken a poll from the whole group. Maybe they feel differently. There's a WhatsApp group that you're not on called Processing Fortunes Behavior. That's right. But it was fun. But I am...
So glad to be home. Not anything to do with that. I just was not anticipating going on a trip. That was very last minute. Oh. And I was like in the mode of like home from filming after five months, back from Europe. I'm yeah, I have this amount of time between my next tour. I'm so pumped to be home. And I was like, oh, back away again. Yeah. So but now I'm home. I'm excited to get into a routine. Yeah, I'm excited for you.
I'm excited for you being excited for me. And we're excited for what? What? Questions. From our pretty little handsome listeners. This is literally the perfect lead-in for this question. Oh, great. Is it about spells? You'll see. I'll put a spell on you. Did you ever listen to that song? Did I ever? Because you're mine. Is that the words? I don't know.
Hi, handsome pod. This is Ryan and Tia and we live in Nashville, Tennessee area. Hi. And our question for you is if you have any fun little parody songs that you like to sing around the house, either to other people that live in your house with you or to yourself. Fun little parody songs. Parody songs.
Because I started doing musical comedy where I would change the lyrics to existing songs. And then I heard some interview with one of my favorite comedians being like, that's the lowest form of comedy. I was like, oh no. So I used to have a ton of like... Yeah, because you play guitar. You know, tell me lies, tell me sweet little lies. So I had feed me pies, feed me chickeny pies. So stupid. And I had a song about Don Cheadle and having sex with Don Cheadle.
Oh, fantasy. And it was to the tune of what's, what's going on. I can't do it now. Don Cheadle have sex with me like that. It was like, and so I wake, okay. Cause I saw him. I saw him filming a movie on the roof beside my apartment, basically. So then I wrote this fantasy about like... Oh, I can't actually remember. So I'm waiting in the morning and I look outside and Don Cheadle's on the roof. And he looks so high. I want to get on Don Cheadle right now.
Pretty much. Yeah. And it got pretty graphic. And we're going to bone. Bone. We're going to bone. Oh, yeah. Don Cheadle and me. That doesn't rhyme, but you know, it's a working song. Yeah, but the energy's there. It's horny as hell.
Somebody sent it to his agent, like someone who knew his agent personally. Oh, wait, you put this out, this song out? I did it live and filmed it and I had a video of it and then someone sent it. And then Don Cheadle actually responded to me and he sent me a photo of him watching me.
singing it and he's like making this face like what the fuck and then we kind of used to tweet at each other back and forth and then um this was like 15 years ago or more yeah then cut to last year i'm backstage at a kind of event yeah I look over he's wearing a COVID mask but I'm like unmistakably that's Cheadle and I thought he's not gonna remember like I mean I look totally different now but I I'm like I have to say something because I love Don Cheadle yeah and so I went up
And yeah, right. He's so effortlessly cool. And he was with his wife and I go up and I go, Hey, I'm so sorry. You're not going to know who I am. And he goes, I know who you are. I went, I just need to tell you, I'm not creepy and weird. And he was like, no, I got it. It was funny. And then I sat there. We chatted for ages. Oh, yeah. Yeah.
Anyway, that's my story. I love it. Parody songs. Well, you're singing nonstop. I'm singing all the time, but I don't know if it's a parody. The first thing that, you know, well, the classic, it's not a parody, but my friend's song from the groundlings. Back door, butthole. I sing that. Do you actually sing it to yourself? Oh, yeah. And I'll giggle. It's the same as a front hole, but I won't put a baby in the oven.
Is there a parody song? I don't know that I have an actual parody. No, you're just singing like beautiful covers of... existing songs. What I do is I sing songs and I often am singing the wrong words. Right. And then does Jax correct you? No, because she knows none of the lyrics. Oh, right. I at least know like 80% of the song. Right. Do you ever sing something when you want to give...
a criticism or a feedback, but you don't want it to be too biting. So you're like, can you throw away your garbage? Like people do that passive aggressively, right? I'm sure they do. I haven't done that before, but I sing and don't even know that I'm singing. Yeah. I was singing with someone recently. This is a humble brag. But the, you know, the band The Chicks. Do I? I was singing. I got them to sing.
on karaoke their own song. Yes, amazing. They were hesitant. They're like, you don't want to hear that. I go, I 100% want to hear that. That's all anyone wants. And they're like, nah. I go, yes. so we went and sang from the first album like the classics oh man and i was like nervous because i was like oh god And they're going to be looking at me singing to them their own song. What if I don't know all the lyrics? Oh, don't get me started. And I messed up a couple, but I was.
Really, I was locked in as much as I could be looking at Natalie. Natalie's looking at me. And we're saying, there's your trouble. There's your trouble. Keep seeing double with the round one. I like that. Classic country from the 90s. I need to get into their music more. I'm going to I'm going to do a deep dive. Oh, they're amazing. Their latest album, Gaslighter, because they've, you know, gone far away from country for a long time now, but they still.
emily and marty play those amazing instruments so it always has like a hint of that because it has banjo and they have fiddle um but man that album is really really good you gotta listen to it Okay, I will. But anyway, I didn't answer the question because I don't have a parody song, but I love to sing. I think the butthole song counts. Thank you, friend. Should we hear what these friends said? Ryan in Nashville? We sure should.
Our answer for this is Handsome Pod related. And it's for our dog. And we like to sing, scratching the head of a handsome dog. Kissing the face of a handsome dog. That's so good. I love that. You have to sing that to Biggie. Scratching the head of a handsome dog. Biggie, look, he's right here on the desk. Oh, my God. Scratching the head of a handsome dog.
you like that biggie scratching the head of a handsome dog that's really good we get it you're busy if you own a home there's constantly a list of tasks that need doing something you may have been putting off is getting the best rate on your home insurance allstate makes it easy to switch your home insurance policy and save money
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They even have gifts you can personalize. To get 15% off your next gift, go to uncommongoods.com slash handsome. That's uncommongoods.com slash handsome for 15% off. Don't miss out on this limited time offer. Uncommon Goods, we're all out of the ordinary. Thanks for the question, Ryan. Yeah, let's keep them coming. High Handsomes, take 27. Pretty little lady here. My name is Jana. I am from May's hometown of Toronto. Nice. Fortune, I've been lucky enough to meet you in the past. Yes.
Tig, I don't want you to feel left out at all. Hopefully one day our paths will cross too, but love you guys all. I do have a question. Do you have any irrational fears? Something that has no bearing as to why? you should or would be afraid of it it's completely irrational but you are afraid interesting oh hmm this isn't like a it's a it's a fear
In a different sense of the fear you're thinking of, but I have something very rational that gives me the willies. Yeah. And it's anytime I tell people about it, they're like, what? And I'm like, I know it's so stupid. I've had this since I was a kid. I think it's mental at this point and it's not changing. But I cannot stand the feeling of... I'm scared and excited. Biting into a strawberry. Oh, I know. You said this. These tiny little seeds. Yes. Okay, I did know this about you.
If I see a blender with a bunch of blackberries or strawberries and the seeds are at the bottom, I can't even look at it. I'm like, wow, get it away from me. that feels like past life right like it does because it makes no sense no it doesn't it feels like you caught some illness from a raspberry seed yeah yeah and so i can't even like if i the thought of biting
down on those hard little seeds. Like I have a fear of that. Like I'm going to accidentally just like chomp on a bunch of seeds. I'm like, Oh God, I get that.
so that's like a yeah like a visceral my one like that is people touching my face like if if i'm in love with you touch my face please as much as you want as much as you can but like friends who like or randoms who just put their hands on your face i'm like get your hands off me i hate people touching my face even like in massages and stuff i say don't touch my face i say yeah i do the no face thing too no face
And then also, I don't like the smell of people blow drying their hair in the change room. Like, I don't want to smell your both these things. I don't want it unless I'm in love with you. So I don't want to smell your hot head if I'm not in love with you. You know what I mean? Yeah. But other than that, I fear deep water, which is rational, I think. That is rational for sure. Because I fear sharks, but that's also rational because they keep biting everyone lately.
Yeah, I fear death. I fear dying alone. I fear all those things, but that's normal. Yeah, absolutely. So nothing irrational about that. Except I guess it is irrational that it's way more dangerous to cross the street. But we're like sharks are really a threat. Well, I just stay out of their home. Yeah. You know what I mean? I stay on the beach and I look at their home. Really? What a beautiful.
home you have and i don't go in it that's my thing because we are technically going into their home yeah and going oh it bit me oh it bit me yeah that's true so And what if they had a little sign on their shark home that said, bite first, ask questions later? That's right. Or it says, bite me. Yeah. Can I quickly say, I don't know if this...
I think it's a different Jana who's who left this question, but there's a person in Toronto called Jana Watson. And basically one day I'm walking down the street. I hadn't been home in a long time, a couple of years walking down the street. I see who should step in front of me. janna watson i go oh my god janna watson it's so good to see you i give her a hug she's like a little standoffish and i'm like
listen, I'm in town for a couple of weeks. It'd be great to see you. Let's get together. She walks away. As she walks away, I realized I've never met her. That's not her. No, it is her. It is her. I've just seen her in the Instagrams of my friends. She's not my friend.
I just know her so well from my other friend's Instagrams. And I'm like, oh, Jana Watson. Yeah, yeah. That is hilarious. And she was like, yeah, I guess we'll hang out. She was like, okay, nice to meet you for the first time. Yeah, yeah. I just love that you know everyone's first and last name. Got to. Ian Peach. Ian Peach. My irrational fear is downward escalators.
I'm fine with escalators going up, but escalators going down, I always hesitate taking that first step and I wait for the perfect step before I step on. I get that. Those are, some people get stuck on those that are scary. Do you want me to give you a new irrational fear? Sure. Maybe it's rational after I tell you this. Apparently, a lot more elevators than you realize aren't there when the door opens.
What do you mean? And you just step in and it's not there? Yes. Oh, my Lord. You're welcome. New irrational fear unlocked. I don't know the stats on it. I can't give you a May fact. But it's a lot more than you think. I've heard, A, you should always look when you press the elevator button to make sure the elevator is there because it does happen where it's just not there. People walk and that does happen. Now, I don't think it's like.
this this numbers are like crazy high i just know it happens sure so just look okay but the the thing that happens i think more frequently than that because that's not as frequent but it happens is you you know when you put your arm in to stop the elevator yeah and we all trust that the sensors are gonna like yeah the stat on that you don't have the actual stat is that um
Oftentimes the sensors, it doesn't stop. It doesn't work. So it just closes and then rips your arm. Yeah. So there are a bunch of people who've lost limbs. Again, I don't know the stats. So is it one in. 21 in a thousand? I don't know. Guess how many people die every year from champagne corks? How many? 24.
Whoa. That's on average. That's the, and that's such a preventable death. And also what, how are they dying? Is the cork just going right into the brain? Boom. Yeah. I don't really get it, but here's what. You should point it away from you or put a towel over it. But what if you point it away, it flies off, it hits the chandelier, chandelier falls, crushes you. New irrational fear unlocked.
It flies off. It severs a string that's holding up an anvil that you had as a decorative anvil hovering over your bed. I also saw someone once, you know, the... Manual wine openers where you twist it and then you kind of jimmy the cork out. Yeah. Saw someone opening the wine, jimmying it out. She had it under her face. She goes. with the wine thing chipped her whole front tooth. I mean, you'll live through that. It's just not pretty. It's not pretty.
And she all of a sudden had a Jim Carrey tooth. I think he really did that for real. Yeah, he has a chipped tooth. And he took the... whatever you're off or whatever for that for a dumb and dumber yeah so there you go if you didn't have those fears before you're welcome you're welcome you got a whole batch of new worries remember worry dolls
You put them under your pillow, little worry dolls. I feel like parents used to, instead of, you know, paying for therapy for their kids, they'd give them a little bag of worry dolls and you put them under your pillow and they soak up your worries. Never heard of that, but I like that. Yeah. Well.
Let us be your worry dolls. Tell us your problems and we'll make you worry more. Yeah. Thank you so much for sending them in. Keep sending them. You can go to speakpipe.com slash handsome pod. If you want to submit a question. to get one of us handsome folks to potentially answer it. You can also pick up some merch if you're in the mood at handsomepod.com. We got new stuff.
Autumnal stuff. Autumnal. Autumnal. Yeah, get that Yeah Go shirt and get that hoodie. I'm waiting on my hoodie so I can rock it. The weather finally changed here. Oh, really? And it feels like fall. And I'm super into it. Like bright red leaves in Toronto. It's so nice. I love it. Well, this has been such a treat chatting with you, my friend.
Always a treat scratching the head of a handsome dog. Biggie snoring. Awesome. Well, thank you guys so much for tuning in. We hope you have an awesome rest of your day. And don't forget to... Check out all three of us next Tuesday on the Handsome Pod. Until then, keep it pretty handsome.
Handsome is hosted by me, Mae Martin, Tig Notaro, and Fortune Feimster. The show is produced, recorded, and edited by Thomas Ouellette. Email us at handsomepod at gmail.com. And please follow us on social media at handsomepod. What a podcast! That was a HeadGum podcast. Home insurance can feel really complicated, but here's the simple part.
You want the best insurance at the best price available. Allstate knows that they make it easy to sign up for a new policy or switch from an existing one. If you own a home, Allstate can help. Check Allstate first and you can save $574 on your home insurance. No hassle, just savings. You're in good hands with Allstate.
Not available in every state. Based on the national average annual savings for new home insurance customers surveyed in 2023 who switched to Allstate and reported savings. Savings vary.