Pauline Chalamet asks about dangerous situations

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Cheers. Welcome to the Handsome Pod. It is your dearest. Dearest friend, Tig Notaro, along with... May Martin. In the house. And Fortune Feimster, also in da house. Oh, I'm in da office. I'm in a grandma. Grandma's house. Are you actually at your grandma's house? I wish. She's dead. She's dead. Remember? I'm so sorry. We talk about her every week. Oh my God. Of course. I just wanted an excuse to talk about my dead grandma.

But it does look like kind of a grandma-ish room. I'm on the road. It's just a hotel room. Okay. Because as I said that, I was like, I hope that's not Fortune's bedroom. And I just said it was grandma-ish. I said it first, so it's okay. Yeah, yeah. No, I'm in a cute little hotel room. Aw. You guys can see where my bed is. Yes, we can. Where none of the magic happens.

Will you lie down on the bed in a sexy pose, please? Please. With the headphone, with the headset. Wow, that did not take much convincing. Yeah, great. Yeah, really good stuff. This is also input into what fortune thinks is sexy. Yeah, this is really not input, but insight. Yeah. Wow. That one was my favorite at the end. Just. Grinning on all fours. If you're listening to this, go to YouTube for the love of God. Fortune is... Is on a bed in a hotel. And she is working some sexy...

Poses. Winded. I just drooled. We were too, by the way. That was so sexy. Was that va-va-boom? That was way, va, va, va, va, va, va, va, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom. This part's not sexy. But you know what I think is underused in sexy poses that I was really glad you brought to the table was grinning with wide eyes.

grinning with wide eyes it's that like this yeah like you look so happy yeah i was very happy to be doing that for you guys oh we were thrilled to receive it with our talking about it Didn't say a word. No. Were you giving a play-by-play? I was saying this is giving us some interesting insight into what Fortune thinks is sexy. I had a chair. I didn't realize it was blocking part of my view, but that was probably for the best.

it was it was for the best um that was unbelievable thank you for doing that thank you Thank you for the opportunity. If I can encourage people to head on over to YouTube and check out Fortune doing sexy, sexy poses. And now have you been day drinking? Actually, no, not a drop of alcohol. Okay. Just agua. All right. Wow, bilingual. Aqua. that was a real treat um probably the most exercise i've had all day uh-huh and i'm back baby y'all did start i could see you in the monitor giving me

Yeah, like telling me what encouragement. Yeah, I was wanting you to do a little bunny pause or whatever that is. Yeah, you did something. That's for sure. So is bunny paws a sex thing or a sexy thing that people do? It is now. Yeah, it is now. May is very sexy right now. Well, when I came into this comic book store, I wasn't expecting. Oh, that's why I'm here. That's right.

May, how are you doing? I'm pretty good. I'm good, I think. I don't know. All right, it's a high-pitched good. Yay, you're pretty. I'm good.

actually you know what i am good because um i finally launched my animal paintings book for charity and they sold out in 14 hours all the um books and why did it take so long and you haven't priced high enough I hope so. But this is the crazy thing. This is why maybe my voice went, I'm okay, is that I realized only after they sold out that I haven't hired anyone to do all the packing and shipping.

i have to personally pack up like more than a thousand packages and i yeah because there's separate orders thousand paintings I sold 600 books and then a bunch of like hats and... tote bags and postcards but yeah why don't you wait till fortune gets home we can have a packing party oh yeah i got nothing going on yeah yeah yeah yeah we could just tons of free time

So do I. So we'll just head on over and we'll just help you out. Wouldn't that be nice if we did just have... much more free time than we do and do you think that we would do more activities together would we do lemonade stands and like this reminds me of the time where we said if we could spend time with people and you picked us you remember that yes and we were we were stunned because it was like it was like picking with you could choose like anyone right

This was like three months into the podcast. Was that first and then we had to reveal or we had picked other people and then I don't remember. I can't remember, but that is really embarrassing. Yeah, I really stand by it for real. But if we had more time, I believe that we would be doing more fun things together. We would be. In grandma's bedroom with Fortune doing sexy poses. Joined at the hip. You don't know what a real friendship is like until you've been in grandma's bedroom posing.

Thank you. I would invite you to do more activities, Tig, but you're hard to get a hold of. You're not like an avid texter. No, I'm not. I'm not avid anything. What if Fortune was like, yeah, you are. Yeah, no, Tig always texts me. Don't stop texting me. Look at all these texts that Tig hasn't returned. God dang it. I've returned texts. Get on your phone. It just takes you long.

I'm not crazy about texting, I'll be honest. But I get it done. I get it done. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But I would come over and pack up everything you needed me to. If you weren't washing your hair. If I was not washing my filthy hair. That is true. How are you? So you're back in L.A.? Mm hmm. I am back in L.A. after months of travel. Yeah. And. It feels unreal. And I love getting home and just like, I love doing laundry. I love folding clothes. I love getting back into life and getting just...

I love getting the house in order and just being back in life. Stephanie and I take morning walks together every day, and it's really nice to be back just kind of... When we take our walks, we get to talk about, you know, obviously Max and Finn and our projects that we're working on and family, friend, you know, like just catch up on everything. And it's your best friend.

That's so nice. It's so nice to start the day like that again. Yeah, that's great. I love that. Yeah. You guys are reunited and it feels so good. We were only apart for a week. None of this counts then. I know, but I've been traveling all around. I was in Colorado, New York, Massachusetts. canada all that um so anyway but yeah it feels so good and to be back with kitty city and um everything feels good but man did we have a grand old summer

Yeah, that's amazing. Yeah. Yeah. I'm just getting ready to see if any of my spells works that I did in Arrowhead because I'm going off to the Toronto Film Festival. So I want to see if any of my spells work. Wait, what kind of, did you tell us about your spells? May told us that they did spells, but we don't know specifics. So is anyone in harm's way? I must have blocked out you saying you do spells. I think I, well, maybe I did a spell on you to make you forget.

I'm not really doing it. I'm not doing any curses or anything like that, but I'm doing, you know, protective spells. I think I might meet my wife soon. I think. Really? I think so. I think that's on the horizon. This is exciting. Or husband. We'll see. Spouse. Are you open to marrying a man? Yeah, sure. Yeah, yeah. He'd have to be pretty funny, I think. Boo. I'm kidding. He'd have to maybe be open to doing a role play where he played like...

kind of cheerleading mean girl. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Would you really be into that, Mae? Yeah. If he was like this dashing dude and you'd like for him to be a cheerleader? Because it would be so... I'd be so impressed by how secure he is. Like if he put on a cheerleading outfit, I've just, this has just occurred to me now, by the way, this isn't like on my list of, but yeah. Thomas put it on the list. Yeah. If I met a guy who was secure enough.

to dress up like a mean cheerleader. Yeah, I'd be in heaven. That'd be great. Okay. With a wiener under that cheerleading skirt. Oh my God. Sorry. I wouldn't even want Stephanie in a cheerleading skirt. I'll be honest. I don't have a cheerleader thing. I don't know. Yeah, you do. Yes, you do. And it's become clear to everyone. I don't know. I don't know. I've always seen you with a wife, but you never know.

Where have you been seeing me with a wife? Let me know where she is. I mean, at night when I, in my dreams. Right. And Mae, you're feeling like you could, you could lock it down and get married or would you still have an open... kind of thing depends on the sitch depends on the sitch but i think that i'm so tired yeah there's a fellow that just walked past somebody maybe it's already come true

What are you talking about? A fellow just passed by your window. A man just walked by your window. Are you serious? Yes. yeah wow this spell is really powerful what did he look like hang on should i check well i'm scared he had a cheerleading no wait okay should i check who that is i'm sure it's a yes of course you should

I'm a little worried that there's someone. If you're worried, don't ignore it. One sec. I'm just going to double check. Now, Fortune, now that I have you alone, could you get back on that bed? I've got enough steps for today. Just walking over to the bed. I was winded. I do need to amp up my exercise game though, because. In this new golf show I'm doing with Will Ferrell, I'm going to be walking all day on golf courses, carrying golf clubs and the bag. It's going to be intense.

Yeah. I ate salmon today to get ready for it. Wait, hold on, Fortune. May, are you in danger? I am married now. I just met my husband. Mazel tov. there's a guy fixing my AC and I, but we hadn't, we hadn't, we hadn't arranged for him to come today. So that, that alarmed me, but sorry, is salmon? That's how you get healthy, right? Just you eat it once and you're good.

That's how you get ready for walking around golf courses. Salmon and an avocado. Oh, you're set. And I think I'm good for a while. I think that's how health works. That sounds really good. You ate that today for lunch? Yeah. Can you believe it? It was between that or Subway, and I really wanted Subway, but I went, no, I'm going to eat salmon because I got to walk a golf course. And what do you like at Subway? Yeah, tell us your Subway order.

Yeah. Well, listen, my go-to is not Subway. My go-to sandwich-wise would be Jersey Mike's. I've never had it. It's tasty. I like the turkey or the tuna. Yeah, tuna sandwich is good. But then in a pinch...

I like a subway turkey. But it has to be a real pinch. I can tell you've been hanging out with your parents. The accent is strong. In a pinch. Yeah. In a pinch. The accent is dialed up like 20%. I've been hanging out with my divorced parents all week. I saw that video you posted where you were like, well, too bad I come from a broken home and they're just there laughing. That's hilarious. It was really funny.

Well, they've been divorced for 32 years, and my mom loves to remind my dad every year of how many years they would have been married had they stayed together. So she said, we would have been married 56 years yesterday. Did they have a mutual departure? Maybe that's too personal. I mean, what's too personal on the handsome pod? We've talked about everything. I know. I know. Yes and no. I don't think my mom would have wanted it. She would prefer to be married.

I don't think liked being divorced, but it just wasn't working anymore. I don't remember them. They're good friends now and have been for a while, but I don't remember them liking each other during my... residency with the two of them. That's hard. But do they hang out independently now? Would they hang out just the two of them? Occasionally, but it would be my dad and his wife and my mom, the three of them. And they all get along well.

and do they does your dad live in the same town he does he moved away for a couple years but he's back that's that's pretty amazing that they don't have to like the worst thing about breakups is just like losing that part of your life and that and those memories that like someone to share those memories with that's so nice they can still have that yeah well we kind of force them into it like yeah

I was 12 and they split. And then we were like, well, dad's coming to Christmas. Sorry. And she was like, what? How funny to be introduced in that way. Like, well. Tig's coming to Christmas. Sorry. I think she did cry. She's like... Checking Allstate first for a quote that could save you hundreds on car insurance is smart. Unfortunately, not checking if your car has enough gas is not smart. When you're out there on a road trip, it can be a long ways between gas stations. So be prepared.

Yeah, checking first is smart. So check Allstate first for a quote that could save you hundreds. You're in good hands with Allstate. Potential savings vary subject to terms, conditions and availability. Allstate, North American insurance company and affiliates, Northbrook, Illinois. Handsome is supported by O Positive. O Positive is a women's health company. They offer a range of symptom-targeting supplements that support women at every stage of life.

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really be grown-ups and power through and like yeah it's one day of the year like to make to make it nice for you that's really nice i mean listen they have their moments where that some of that stuff rears its head and you're just like really yeah all these years later come on uh but then they're pretty good about putting that aside especially when i'm i'm in town because i live so far away so yeah okay That's a little bit about my life. Okay. Well, my parents are dead. Famously. Famously.

Wow. Started with the dead grandma. Now we've ended up on the dead parents. Yeah. We're actually covering them. We're covering a lot of bases. We've got divorced, we've got dad, and we've got... together and codependent yeah uh wait who's together and codependent oh my parents yeah oh oh they're codependent well if one of their friends repeats to them that they've heard this on the podcast they'll be

furious and outraged but I would say codependent not necessarily in a you know unhealthy way it's just like my dad's always worked from home and He had his own office, but now he's even moved a little desk down into my mom's sort of office. So they just spend the whole day sitting opposite each other at adjacent desks as if they work in an office together.

Then at 5 p.m. and all day they're talking like all day about everything that's coming up on their computer screen. Then around 5 p.m. they stop. They move to a third table that's in between the two desks. And there they play. They play Scrabble for about 90 minutes and they drink white wine. Then they have dinner and then they watch TV together.

And then they go to bed. And do they always enjoy one another for the most part? Absolutely not. Sometimes they're going through that whole day and they're fuming, but they'll still go through it. But they have, you know, friends and go on trips and stuff. That's their main like day-to-day thing. So am I codependent? Like are Stephanie and I codependent? Because that hasn't even crossed my mind as a possibility.

I mean, we work together, we work separately. I think codependency gets a bad rep. I think we're designed to... need each other and that's okay i think as long as you know it's yeah yeah you got it yeah the answer is yes there's like a touch of it but i don't think y'all are like over the top

Yeah, like where it becomes bad is like, are you if people are if you're anxious when you're not with the person or you can't enjoy your life when you're not there? Like, like you guys are solid. You just really enjoy each other's company. Yeah, I would say that we. Yeah. Enjoy being together. We miss each other when we're apart, but we have separate and similar friends and we have our own interests. And yeah, I think as long as you like have some stuff for yourself.

here and there that's a good balance but like you should want to hang out with your spouse or yeah whoever you're with yeah for sure all right well that's interesting i'm gonna ask stephanie if she thinks we're codependent

I've been codependent before. Have you? Yeah. I sure have. It happens pretty easily. I guess codependent, the connotation is that it's insular and you kind of... are recluse from your other relationships and your friends and you it's like yeah like what is bad codependency i guess it's that it's like i can't do anything without consulting anything without the other yeah yeah yeah you've been you've had that before

yeah yeah i mean uh i would say jackson i spent a crap ton of time together and yeah uh so we had a bit of that for a while i guess the thing the thing about that is like you never then you learn so much about your relationship from being apart a little bit, right? Like then you miss each other. Yeah. Yeah. For sure. Yeah. It's kind of like that thing of it's good to feel hungry sometimes. Yeah. You know?

Did I tell you guys I'm doing like a residential therapeutic program? You told us you had a life coach. Oh, yeah. No, I told you about the life coach. You told us you were going into the mountains and... ordering a bunch of weights synthesizer and a synthesizer in a way that was a residential therapeutic program mascara you you you put on your clear mascara put your ankle weights on and just Play that synthesizer. So what is this? I...

Well, I wasn't going to talk about it on here, but then I heard Oprah did a podcast about this place. And so I was like, well, why don't I? It's like six days. It's called the Hoffman Institute. I've heard of that. Have you heard of that? You have? Don't tell me if you've heard bad stuff. I honestly don't remember what I heard about it. Just that the name is familiar. Yes. So it's like six days.

They take your phone away and you, I mean, I don't know much about it. It's kind of mysterious, but people are like, it changed my life. And you're going to do it. I'm doing it in October. Yeah. And it's I've been on the I was on the waiting list for like a year or something. And it's like. I think you're waiting list. Dang. Yeah. Now Oprah did this podcast. It's getting very popular in the Hollywood circles. I was thinking, yeah, I think that's where I heard about it. Yeah.

But anyway, I'm going and it's like group therapy and somatic therapy and I might be a different person after it. So we'll see. That's amazing. Can you imagine being without your phone for six days? No. I know. How are you going to play Best Fiends? i know i'm gonna have to like draw the game but i think if you commit to something like that for your own you know growth then you just know like oh for the six days i'm just focusing on me

Yeah, exactly. And like my show will have just come out and I can just get off my phone for six days and like... I mean, obviously we'll record the handsome pod while... in between sessions i'll be recording it from group therapy yeah i would love to do it from group therapy would you say that is

Because I've heard you mention a few times, like I got to get off my phone or that way I'll be able to get off my phone. Would you say that's your biggest kind of hurdle? I don't think I'm on it more than.

most people I just find I just can feel this like invisible chain to it like I and so then I'm in like even though I might only be on it a few hours a day it's like a shame spiral because I know on my deathbed I'm gonna be like why was I on my phone you know but I think it'll be good and yeah yeah we'll see I'm excited because it's like you're in a little group of about eight people and you go through the week together

I hope it's really weird. And they asked, you do this prep work, like homework. Actually, maybe you're not allowed to share this stuff that you have to sign like an NDA. Oh, that's okay. Nobody listens to this show. What do you do now? No, we don't want to get made in trouble. What if there's a celeb in my group of eight people? Like, what if I get there? There already is. You're in it, huh? Okay. What if like Matthew McConaughey is in it or something? If there's no celebrity.

If there's no celebrity in your group, you're the celebrity. Hey, man, I'd like to give you a little tip. Just keep living. Wait, is that Matthew or your dad? Or the person making announcements over the PA in high school. I can't do a Matthew McConaughey. All right, all right, all right. How sick of that do you think he is? And he says it still all the time.

Right, but how sick of it do you think he is when a random person comes up and says that? Well, he started it. He should have known that was going to happen. So nobody will say, yeah, Tig, he's probably really sick of it. Tig, you know what? He's probably really sick of it.

I love that he started it. He started it, and he keeps doing it, so you're going to do it back to him, JK. All right, all right, all right. Just keep living, y'all. All right. Did you almost say just kiss? Just kissing? Just kiss Matthew McConaughey. Just kiss me. Matthew McConaughey is a good looking man. All right. Easy. Easy. I'm not trying to get with the guy. I'm a fool of us over here. Well, you don't look like it in grandma's bedroom.

I am. No. I'm gay as shit. Has anyone pushed back on you being gay? No, everyone's fully accepted it. And you do walk through life with your headset on, right? Oh, yeah. This is a daily thing. Announcing that you're gay? Yeah. Okay. What's up, y'all? I'm a lesbian. They're like, no. All right. Well, good. I'm glad that you guys knew that. Well, I don't know. I think I told you all about my new identity as Trad Dyke. Oh, yeah. I love that. Love Trad Dyke. How's that going for you?

It's going well. I think I'm going to have some posters made and maybe, you know, that picture of me smoking and changing the car tire. yeah i think that's my trad dyke poster i think that's perfect and then i think i might start a a what a sub stack called trad dyke yeah That sounds good. I don't know what a sub stack is. It's for people, right? Or it's like something where there's a submission, like a subscription.

your top secret writings and thoughts and videos that you don't share elsewhere. I just got an email that was like, happy 21st birthday to your, to your live journal. Or maybe it was like 25th birthday. And I log on and it's a diary that I wrote online when I was 16. And it's still online. Wow, we gotta dig that up.

It doesn't have my name attached to it. It's got like a code name, but it is humiliating. Is it public? Yes, it's public. Can you give us the link? Next pod? You don't have to read it this pod. Think about it. and i gotta make sure it's hidden so that people don't go find it i think it's under like a fake name but uh it's not trad dyke is it it's really embarrassing it's like

Today I got stoned and the cops came to the park and they were swarming around me like wasps, man. That's the one real quote. Like I thought that I was Bob Dylan. You threw in man? I think I probably did, yeah. Man is so embarrassing. Like, who was it for? It was for you 21 years later. And by the way, what a big blowout of a party you should have. You're...

Journal can now drink legally in the States. Yeah. All right. Enough of this nonsense. Should we get to our question asker? Let's do it, sugar tits. I'm calling HR. Thomas? Is Thomas HR? Actually, who is HR? Thomas. I'm telling Thomas that you called... Me, sugar tits, when you know my tits are in a dumpster in an alley in Hollywood. As far as we know, they could be surrounded by sugar. No, they're surrounded by rodents that are fighting over them.

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You want to do this, Tig? I mean, it's just really hard for me to read. Let me see if I can do it. You want me to do it? I can give it a whirl. Okay. Today's question asker is an actress and... I think someone else should do it. I think racist is crazy. This is the worst intro ever. I thought that it says podcaster and I was like, she's a podcaster? Okay, all right. So Mae, you can take it.

from here but we'll of course keep mine in my eyesight is so terrible i got this guys no no no i got this i didn't say i got this i said your eyes were closed they basically are i also have that saggy eyelid too so i have a few things working against me all right may hit it all right today's question uh okay today's question asker is an actress

You got that mallet ready? Yes. Today's question asker is an actress and producer who starred in The King of Staten Island as well as The Sex Lives of College Girls. She produced and starred in the movie What Doesn't Float? Pauline Chalamet is asking today's question. Yes! Hey, handsome. It's Pauline Chalamet. Here's my question. What is an experience that you've had where...

In the moment you were really enjoying it and loving it and just it was great or you just maybe didn't feel any particular way about it but it was an experience that you were living. And then in retrospect, you realized, oh, I was in a lot more danger than I thought I was. Is that too specific of a question? No. I think everybody must have an answer to that.

I think we do. In fact, I had an answer and then it shifted quickly. But can I take a moment to tell you how deeply I love... Pauline Chalamet. Oh, yeah. Really? Are you guys friends? You did Sex Lives of College Girls. I did Sex Lives of College Girls, and I love her so, she is so fun.

to cackle with um we also she was part of the group i went to dc with to um lobby for the arts and she's so not only is she talented as an actress but she is so smart and like she just blew everyone's minds in dc the way she took charge when we went in to Congress and the White House and just her confidence and her knowledge and her point of view. I was like, what? Not that I met her and thought. you know, that she was a dipshit. But I was like, this is so...

I didn't think she was a dipshit. A dipshit. But like, there were so many people with us. I mean, I was the dipshit in D.C. That is impressive because, yeah, I'm thinking if I went to D.C., I would feel, I'd be like... even though I'd be happy to be there and excited, I'd feel like a kind of stone teenager on a class trip. Like I'd want to giggle in the corner, you know? And I felt like a briefcase.

You do everywhere with your headphones and your briefcase. But, you know, I just was very aware that I don't have that knowledge. I read the... the important points that we were trying to get across and i understood what our mission was but man oh man uh that's all i just wanted to to throw that in they seem like a pretty smart family her brother timothy is fluent in french is she also fluent in french yes yeah they grew up um yeah partly in france she lives also

in france um and it's a smart question too i i think yeah it's a really it's a good question i hadn't thought of before yeah you can't be like a dipshit and ask that question no no that question no dipshits are asking like hot dog or hamburger you know exactly right um i i will answer more specifically but i feel like growing up in the 80s and 90s then our entire childhood was one big like step from getting kidnapped yeah or like in danger yeah just there was just not as many rules

I mean, you rode in the back of pickup trucks, at least where I was from. We would walk on active railroad tracks constantly. We left our house at 9 a.m. and didn't come back till... 6 p.m. Not just road in the back of pickup trucks, but road in the back of pickup trucks with a bottle of Barks root beer that I'm trying to drink while I'm going over bumps and holes in the road.

No seatbelts. That's what my family says to me whenever I'm like, you know, we just throw it in the back of the truck or we were all sitting in the back of the truck and Stephanie, Max, and Finn all now say to me, Sorry, we weren't raised in Mississippi in the 70s. That's really good. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, do you remember like we survived half of it?

even in the 90s like do you remember halloween you would just go by yourself as a kid and you would be walking into strangers homes who had made haunted houses and stuff and yeah everything's a little more I never did that. You never did that? Really? I thought that was good. Are you sure there wasn't something inappropriate that was going on? That was just a creep in your neighborhood. Yeah. You know how you'd go into that old gross guy's house?

Part of the haunted house was you'd take a bath and then you had to feel his calves. His gams. Yeah. I'll tell you. God, now all of a sudden I'm having a million thoughts. But this was from my adult life. I was on tour. And I was with my old assistant and his dream was to swim with sharks. So we were in Florida and I said, oh, my friend Jeff lives here and he knows.

where to go and who to call for anything and everywhere, everything. And so we did. And he was like, Oh yeah, I know a guy that will take you out to swim with bull sharks, which are. More aggressive than great white sharks. What do you mean? I don't know how to simplify that more, Mae. They're more aggressive than great white sharks. They are the most aggressive bull sharks. And they look just like great whites.

Who's wanting to do this? Who's wanting to swim with them? My assistant. And guess who went in with him? Oh, my God. Why? Exactly. I don't know. Anyway, no reason to be upset with me. I'm out of the water now. You know who is not thrilled? I called Stephanie and was like, oh, my God, I just swam with bull sharks. I was not in a cage. There was bloody... They threw bloody chum in the water. And these sharks were...

massive. That's crazy. And while I was dangling in the water, I was in there for 30 minutes. No. And while I was dangling at one point, this one shark started just beelining towards me. And the guy that we were in the water with, he just grabbed the shark's nose and pushed him away. And the shark just, yeah, shark just swam around. That was convenient.

I was in there for 30 minutes and I have to say, I'm glad I did it. What I did learn is that if you, and maybe I've already shared this, but if you are in. the ocean and a shark is nearby, do not splash. Don't turn and swim away. You just float and you keep eye contact with the shark. And that's what I did in the water. I was just floating and keeping eye contact with the sharks. And I have an incredible picture that I'll share with you. And so now I feel like I would know.

Even though I'd be terrified if I was by myself in the ocean and a shark was coming towards me, I would know I need to not make any fast moves. Yeah, you would lock in. Wow. I think you could do that, but most people would panic. I would panic. Your first thought would be like, I got to get out of here. I would panic if I hadn't done it before. It didn't come naturally to me. My friend and opening act.

Jumped in the water. My assistant jumped in. The friend that connected us with this situation, he got in. Was this like an independent company? Yes. It was, right? This is like a guy you found on Craigslist. truly it was an independent company and it was one of those things yeah when i called stephanie and i was like oh my god i just went swimming with sharks she was like why did you do that? Yeah. She's like, you have children. Yeah. She's like, you have a family. And I was like,

Oh, wrong number. Who dis? Sorry. Okay, here is the picture of me.

Do you see me dangling? Holy shit, Tig. Do you see me dangling? That is massive. I'm holding onto that rope above that's connected to the boat. So that was one of those things. I knew it. I knew obviously anything could happen. Yeah. But afterwards, as time went on, I was like, Oh my God. Yeah. What was I doing? Yeah. Yeah. That's so, I mean, you faced, that's a lot of people's worst.

fears that'd be one of probably up there for me swimming with sharks and you faced it now and you know what to expect fortune what about you i mean i touched on it briefly in a pretty little episode where you know when i lived in spain i used to stay in hostels and chamber rooms with complete strangers and train cars and that was nuts and I'm so grateful nothing happened because I didn't know a single person I could have been with a serial killer.

Yeah, probably were. Maybe. I mean, I got in one room and it was just me and a dude. But he was probably like, I'm not going to mess with that guy. That's right. But one thing that stood out as like something really stupid that I did not thinking it was a big deal was when I was in college, I went to Mexico. on uh two different summers to study the mayan ruins and uh i can't remember if i told you guys this but um we went i remember you going there yeah so we went to chichen itza

which is a Mayan temple that was built obviously by the Mayans. Really cool. place it has 91 steps up each side that represents 365 days of the year which can you believe it like that's crazy that they were that advanced so advanced and my friend Is that that advanced to just know how many days of the year there? I don't know. This is back before there were calendars. Yeah, no, you're right. Yeah, yeah. Okay.

um so they like before cell phones they figured because we it's all based on their stuff right our current stuff is based on their assessments yeah um And so my friend of mine was like, I'll race you to the top. And I was like, yeah, sure. Why not? I've got gams. You guys have seen them. Yeah. They're gorgeous. Absolutely. Run to the 91 steps. No problem. Now, it's summer in Mexico. It's like 105 degrees. It's not cold. And I start running up this.

pyramid and 91 steps and gay gay uh and as hard as i can because i'm competing for nothing but i'm competing against my friend And I get to the top and it starts wide and it gets really narrow as you go up. And I get to the top and I'm like, suck it. I did it. And then immediately my face turns blue. and my my lips turn blue and i start like i'm like on a very narrow ledge and i start like kind of going back and forth like like this and i have no water

And my friend luckily is up there already and sees me and she's like, uh, are you okay? I can't talk. And she just grabs water from like a complete stranger. And I just start sucking down water. And I mean, I came so close to just passing out off this. giant pyramid what a way to go though oh my god though and like i got i i like finally get like back regulated

And the life comes back into my face. Like I just sit there for like 20 minutes and I finally make my way back down. And my professor came up to me and she said.

don't you ever do that again she said that i could have had a heart attack she goes you uh she said it is so wildly dangerous to run uh that fast in this heat to that altitude people can can and have often just like hearts given out and she was like i about died seeing you do that and i was like what she's like use your gams for good yeah so what a stupid stupid thing that i didn't think was a big deal at all and i could have freaking either fallen off the pyramid or had a heart attack it was so

wildly dumb i still stand by what a way to go if you fell off a pyramid i'm picturing like when you have a like i picture people having a baby and then Being like, how is my child ultimately going to die? Like if everyone learned right in that moment. Oh, that's an interesting thought experiment. She's going to fall off of a pyramid. Oh, by the way, for all you math nerds out there that are like 91 steps is 364. The top platform is the final step.

Ergo 365. I'm glad you lived through it. Well, me too. That is really scary. I didn't want to do that. Like your hands get all tingly and you feel like you're going to pass out. That is such a scary feeling. Yeah. So that was a very dangerous thing I did. I'm just like amazed that I'm still alive, really. Like there's just so many weird situations with like drug dealers and criminality in my teens and like.

I think I'm street smart. Like I think I, I would have a, I walked a line where I would have a gut feeling about people, but I definitely, oh my God, like. Same. Yeah. Just so many strange.

strange people and in cars and parks and yeah I did um well because I kind of thought I was out of that of that phase of being too like receptive to uh strangers because in your teens you're like in parks buying weed from people named like merlin and they have a pet iguana and you're like this guy's my best friend and you're like

sitting in the park for an hour talking to this guy and he's talking about like quantum theory and you're like yeah man so I thought I was out of that but I did and I'm not sure about telling this story in case this person listens to the podcast but I don't think that he will But I did, I got an Uber. Have I told this? I don't know. You've gotten a lot of Ubers. All we've done, all we've gotten so far from this story is that you got an Uber. Yeah, sorry. Yeah, it's hard to like. Yeah.

Seems like a very safe thing to do. That's kind of nuts too. I know that is nuts. We're just getting in cars with strangers all the time. Getting in cars with strangers. We don't know anyone. So I get in the Uber and this guy's like... he's sort of like a viking he's like six foot five or something he's got this long blonde luscious hair like a like a woman's almost blow dry yeah and uh and we hit it off right away we're chatting like and and uh he's

He's asked me about what I do and I tell him about my show coming out and he's like, oh, I was sent to a troubled teen institute. And he's like, oh, my God, like, what are the chances of this? He's like, I used to be in. opium dealer and and he's telling he's like you got to write about my life like that's what and i'm like tell me everything and uh telling him about my breakup and stuff and anyway he we we get to my house

And then he just so confidently goes, OK, give me your phone. I'm going to text you right now. And and he just does it like there's no question that we're going to exchange numbers and start texting. And I do have a lot of people in my life who I've ended up. texting almost you know so i give him my number and and uh and then the texts are like a little strange that i'm getting like the next day he says are they flirty

No, it's more like we are soulmates, like friends, like we are destined to be friends. And so he writes me this the next day. He goes, hey, can I get a physical printout of one of your scripts? uh i'm like what yeah how long ago was this this is about six months ago and so so i don't we end up i don't really respond to him and then uh i guess

six weeks goes by and I'm getting a massage and I book an Uber. Yeah. I booked my Uber after the massage and it pulls up and it's him. It's, it's the guy. So I get it. I wanted him to show up in the massage.

he's the masseuse yeah no so like i go like that is weird i've never gotten the same uber driver before oh i have a lot because i over so much but right i'm i'm like oh my god man hey and he goes oh my god he's like do you know the statistical and probability that you would get in my uber i'm like yeah it's pretty crazy and he goes no man you this is insane and he starts doing the math of the probability

And he's talking out loud. He's like, okay, population of LA. He lands on one in 2.8 billion, which cannot be. Correct. That can't be right. No, there's only a certain number of Uber drivers in that. But he's like, it is one in 2.8 billion. I'm like, okay. And this is coming from somebody who knows absolutely nothing about math.

Yeah, exactly. And then he's like, how's the breakup and stuff? And then I'm embarrassed because I'm like, oh, I obviously really shared with this guy. And I don't really remember what I said, but he knows everything. Anyway, then we... We're talking, you know, he knows the drummer from Tool. Like, that's pretty cool. We get to my house and he does. That's pretty cool. We get to my house and he does.

the same thing he goes okay i can only stay for five minutes but i'll come in yeah oh he came in your house wait did he come in the last time too no okay i find myself i would never let a stranger like that into my house i know well this is why i was reluctant to tell the story because i feel like listeners are gonna be like this is psychotic it's 11 p.m on a monday you just got a massage and now this uber driver but i'm telling you is he attractive like where you're

of like hmm i kind of want to toy with this no i don't think that was the vibe i was we were like really connecting though and i got a vibe that this was a safe sedge but i don't I don't know. Anyway. So he did come in. Yeah. For how long? So he goes, I'll come in for five minutes and. And he brings time starts now. Yeah. And as I'm walking in and I'm unlocking my.

door i'm like what am i doing is that when he gets out of the car i see how tall he is as well right so i go oh well my roommate's here you know i pretend i have a roommate and i go so i you know and he's sleeping so i should probably But anyway, he comes in, we're chatting. He goes, can I say something? I'm like, yeah. He goes, you are 50% man, 50% woman. I'm like, thanks, man. Thanks. That's so cool.

And I go, well, I am actually, I use they, them pronouns because he's been saying she the whole time. I just haven't bothered to. I go, yeah, well, I actually, I use they, them. He goes, no, I don't pay attention to that stuff. I just say what I see. And I see you are. 50% man. And I'm like, cool. Thanks, dude. And then he goes, bring it in. And now I'm hugging him anyway. So I go, I, we end, I end up going, okay, I got to go to bed anyway. And so he is walking out and, uh, we're walking.

I'm walking him to the gate to lock it behind him. But he's a nice... Listen, if he is listening, you are a nice, kind man. You are a nice guy, and we appreciate the handsome follow. It is just crazy for someone... Lose my number. To invite a stranger into their home. But then that is very forward for sure. It's crazy. Well, it's also 11 o'clock at night as a man, you should know, like maybe it's regardless of your pronouns, like it's just like.

Anyway. I mean, he wanted to like collaborate on the script and stuff. Anyway, so then as he's walking out and I'm like, okay, I'm like, this is actually fine. he suddenly stops and he's just standing with his, he's like facing the gate like that with his back to me. And I'm like, Oh no. Then he turns around and his eyes are closed and he starts going.

though the word is the nerve though it travels through my veins through the universe to god is my name he starts freestyle uh poetry he can't be a spoken word poet all of a sudden he is and he does this um kind of amazing, like three minute long, like it's the length of an Eminem song. It's verse after verse of that he's written. It wasn't freestyle.

No, it wasn't freestyle. He's done it before, yeah. He's like, I just came up with this. Yeah, I got news for you. And what did you do? You just looked at him while he... Did you join in and start going, I know what you're saying. Here's the word. And blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Would you call it spoken word or rapping? It was more spoken word. His eyes were closed. And then so I just went, whoa.

That was amazing. Did you write that? He's like, I wrote that in high school. I'm like, wow. And then he left. And then we texted a little bit after that. But I did. I mean, and I know the response is going to be, listen. I sometimes go on the handsome Reddit page. People are concerned already about my mental health and safety. Yeah, I'm fine. I just was like...

I tapped into some teen version of myself that just says yes to everything and is like interested in random people. And and then I did afterwards. I was like, like the more friends I told who were like. What are you doing? That definitely was very dangerous. Yeah, but he was super nice.

But I will not do that again for the record. Next time just be like, oh, I got to get up super early. I can't. Of course. Or you don't even have to say that. Just be like, no, you're not coming in my house. Yeah. would say i would go for a coffee polite yeah but then it leaves the door open for him to want to come in the next time yeah Yeah. You know, I was out with Alison Dunbar, our mutual friend, probably a couple of years ago. How funny.

Tell her hello. Well, I was on this podcast while that happened. Oh, she called during the podcast. Oh, no way. We were out. There was a there was a it was like a group at dinner and. this guy that was with Allison and Ron's group, grown man, probably mid-60s, was zeroed in on me, telling me, He was getting a vibe that we were soulmates. Yeah. Wow. What do you mean? Yeah.

what from their world somebody from their world yeah I'm sitting there with my wife and and gayer than the day is long and this and I'm like what do you like I don't he was like can I get your number I just feel like there's something here he must have like seen your work he feels like he knows you and he's just like this is my i didn't get the vibe he was familiar with me at all really he was just yeah he was just feeling that energy baby

And I wasn't. And I didn't know what to do. But I mentioned it to Allison a while after. I was like, pardon me. Did she know this guy well? she was just like oh my gosh she was like that's ron's for he's he's he's not you know what i mean that kind of like allison response see if he had if that had happened to me i would have been like yep here's my number and let's get to the bottom of what this

It's actually about friend soulmates is interesting. Yeah, yeah. I've definitely had friend soulmates, you know? You don't have to talk about our friendship. But I didn't get the vibe one-sided and zero in on somebody. try to get their number, like it was a mutual thing where we're... I don't know. It was just such a bizarre thing to be out with my wife and have this. It seemed like he had fallen in love with me at first sight. Oh, wow. I wonder if that's something that he feels often.

This was truly the one time in his life. He still thinks about you, girl. He's like, that Tig. Think about them Tig old bitties. What did I tell you? Yeah, let's hear Pauline's answer. Yeah. An answer to that question is that when I was in my early 20s or late teens, I was hitchhiking across Turkey. And I...

I felt totally fine doing it. And that was actually not the dangerous part at all. That was a really lovely experience. The dangerous part was that I got to Cappadocia, which is a region in the eastern side of Turkey, and I went hiking.

on these really long hikes every day and um then would come back to the hostel and only once i left did I realize that I would go out every day without any water, with no cell phone, and no map, just an idea in my head of where I had come from and where I was going back. Once I left Turkey, I was like, oh, that wasn't, that was, I was putting myself in grave danger. But in the moment I thought, you know, I'm just going on a hike. Yeah. I don't know what that says.

But that's my question. And I hope that you have a lovely day. Aw. Thank you, Pauline. A guy in Greece this last summer, I think, yeah, last summer died. He was, like, with his wife at the beach. And he decided that he was going to walk back to their hotel and he didn't have water or anything or a cell phone and he got lost and it was like crazy hot and he like passed out and died on a hill. Good Lord.

I feel like such an annoying parent because I am so on Max and Finn about hydrating. I'm just like, guys, come in, have some water. Did you have water? Guys, make sure you have some water. But I'm just like. Yeah. I'm so annoying. Because kids won't drink. They'll forget and they won't drink. Like, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. I like the way she delivered no water, no phone, no map, just an idea in my head.

What did I tell you? Nothing better than Pauline Chalamet. Okay. Thank you for your question and your answer, Pauline. That was a fun episode, I have to say. Yeah, it was one of those ones. I'm going to be worried about what I've said, but. I really enjoyed it as always. It's a real pleasure to be with you too. Don't you worry yourself, little cowboy. Little cowboy. What do you got coming up, Tig?

I am going to be in Biloxi, Mississippi. This is me heading home, doing some comedy in my home state of Mississippi. I'm also going to be in Salt Lake City, Utah on October 11th. And all of my show and ticket information is tignotaro.com. I'm doing local Los Angeles shows with new material. Oh, and also make a note, November 14th, Apple TV, the documentary about... The brilliant Andrea Gibson and Andrea's wife, Meg Fowley, Come See Me in the Good Light, November 14th on Apple TV. I have...

Well, Wayward's coming out in two days on Netflix. So please stream it. You gotta watch it. Yes. Yeah, I'm really pumped. And let me know what you think. Or not if you don't like it. But also, my Etsy store where I'm selling these animal paintings is launched. 100% of the profits are going to Doctors Without Borders. Such an amazing charity. They're in 70 countries in the world. They go into...

crisis situations and deliver amazing life-saving medical care. They're doing incredible work in Gaza and Sudan. So yeah, check out if you search Animal Art by May on Etsy. And grab your weird little merch. Awesome. That's amazing, bud. Thanks. So I've had to reschedule a bunch of stand-up dates, so I apologize to any handsome listener.

uh affected by that we have found rescheduled dates for all those it's because i'm filming this new uh netflix tv series and i hate to reschedule but i just was part of the doing it happens It happens. So we'll definitely have those dates coming. But all the Saturday shows for sure happening like D.C., Boston, Atlanta, Chicago.

San Jose, and then all the Florida shows, as well as Vancouver and Seattle. So yeah, get your tickets. If you're new to the podcast, subscribe, even if you're old to the podcast. Subscribe. That is the best way to keep this show going. Subscribe to the audio version as well as the YouTube version of the show and also rate and review us.

And check out our merch. Speaking of merch, we have some amazing stuff on handsomepod.com. Also, share an episode. If you liked this episode, think of a couple of people to share it with and be like, hey, come join the handsome. And it's very handsome. And until next time, keep it handsome.

Handsome is hosted by me, Mae Martin, Tig Notaro and Fortune Feimster. The show is produced, recorded and edited by Thomas Ouellette. Email us at handsomepod at gmail.com and please follow us on social media at handsomepod. What a podcast! What a podcast! That was a hate gum podcast. Checking Allstate first for a quote that could save you hundreds on car insurance is smart.

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