Paula Pell asks about bad dates

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Potential savings vary, subject to terms, conditions, and availability, Allstate North American Insurance Company and Affiliates, Northbrook, Illinois. In partnership with Airbnb, let's talk a little bit about travel. May after I'm done with all this filming I'm doing, I really want to just take a weekend off and relax.

I love booking stays on Airbnb because you get all the amenities of a home and I definitely want a place with a private outdoor hot tub so I can take a long soak and look up at the stars. Here's my question though. Where should I go? I mean, if you're willing to go a bit further, I do love mixing in a hot tub with the cold, so Colorado maybe, uh or even the desert. I got a house out there on Airbnb with some friends.

It was so good. Everyone had their own room. We cooked up like family style meals in the kitchen. If you wanted somewhere closer to home, would you do Palm Springs? Oh, for sure. Another reason I love Airbnb is that booking with them feels so much more special than hotels. I've stayed at hotels where I've gotten on an elevator. had to find the right floor and then search for the pool in the hot tub and then you find out they're closed.

I just love the privacy. Okay, well this inspired me to book something soon, so I appreciate it, buddy. And if you're listening out there and thinking about your next trip, I highly recommend you check out Airbnb and do some traveling yourself.

Friends on the handsome. Cheers. Welcome to the Handsome Pod. I'm your host, Mae Martin, joined by your two other hosts. Who are? Fortune Feamster. And Tignotaro. Yeah. Hi you guys. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello, y'all. Welcome to um I don't know

It's Valentine's Week. Oh yeah. Yeah. And I see how May is celebrating. How? How? What do you mean how? You have your uh window? Completely open for the world to see. Come to my window. Yeah, look. Oh, there's Melissa Etheridge now. Come inside. I had that piece of fabric hung up there. It was so good looking. It was so sketchy and you made fun of it, so I took it down embarrassed. So now but now I left up the little

patches of tape where it was hung up. Much better. Yeah. And you have your guitar case in the corner as if you're going to sing a little diddy to someone I I wish next time we're all together in the studio, I should bring in the guitar and we'll do some songs. Please. Why can't you do one now? Well, because I don't have a Mike stand? I d I like to hold it in my hand. That's what she said. Ah Who said that? Who said that? Who said that? She did. She did, girl. Is she your Valentine's Day? Um

I don't think you don't have a Valentine's Day, do you? Well, whoever she is. Oh, she. Well well one thing is last time I was at Largo the tech guy there, um Does guitar setup for Alanis Morissette? And he said that she's in Sacramento on February thirteenth. And as as you hear this, I'm scrambling, trying to get tickets. I'm texting people. I'm saying, please, what can I offer of anything? Wait, why can't you buy a ticket? I was gonna ask that too. Yeah.

Wait, that's a really good idea. You could just buy one. Yeah. Why wouldn't you buy a ticket? I assumed it was sold out. I think it's sold out. Oh, okay. Well that's different. Why don't you look right now? Okay, let me check hang. Let me see here. Hang on. Yeah. Oh man, that was a good concert. And not just because I sang as part of the concert. Yeah, yeah. I just Googled Atlanta, Sacramento. Uh-huh. Okay. Atlanta's Morris at February thirteenth. Yep. That's a easy one. Tickets available.

Um except. There are tickets available. Yeah, okay. No scrambling needed. Buy a ticket and support the woman. Oh my god, I'm doing it r literally right now. Wow. Can I do it while we're Yeah, why not? Walk us through it. Well you might have to find are you gonna buy two tickets and ask one? Yes I am. Oh my god, I have a great idea. What is it today? You should invite Alanis. Okay, there isn't an ironic very expensive I'm gonna do this.

You're buying'em ri right as we speak? Well Yeah, I'm literally doing it right now. I have to'cause there's very front row center? No, there's not they're not left. So but there's like Ninth row. Uh-huh. Pretty good. And and you know she can belt it out, so Yeah, she can sing. It was amazing. God, it was good, fortune. Yeah.

And this time you can go with somebody new. Oh, you're you're busy or I will be doing shows on stage with Alanis. I'm performing at the Beacon on Valentine's night um in New York City. That's a good room. How do I know if um I'm getting this is a scam website? Uh Why is that where you wanna be? Well, you wanna don't don't buy it on like a

um third party site buy it from her website. Oh, okay. Yeah. Go to Alantismorset.com is what I'm assuming it is. Of course fortune knows stuff like that. Yeah. I would just Google like Atlanta's tickets. California. I did. Hopefully people are Googling right now New York City Beacon Theater fortune on Valentine's Day. Okay, guys, I just typed in Alanis Morissette it it says the domain name Alanismorissette dot com is for sale.

No we need to let her know it. No, we should buy it. We should buy her own. Do you think she knows it's up for sale?

This is not at all where I saw this episode going. No, not at all. But I feel like we need to help Helena. How much does it cost? Oh you know what her okay, her website is alanis dot com. That makes sense. Oh, she didn't she's like, I don't need my last name. Everybody knows who I am. God if I But why would that be still be for sale? But she should also own a land of the side.

There's VIP tickets available and it says You gotta get'em. Share a special moment with Alanis who will leave Yes. Oh, it's the it's the meditation. It's the meditation who will leave. You're ready. They will lead this exclusive group in a meditation and answer selected questions. What are you talking about?

I have to do this, right? Wait, you're gonna do that for you and a friend? It's too expensive. How much? I know you gotta buy yourself the VIP and your friend has to wait for you outside. How much is the VIP? Twelve hundred dollars. That's a lot of money. And and and I have met her before. Maybe he's one hundred sixty five and that comes with the ticket.

Yeah. But are you leading a meditation, Fortune? I'm not. That is pretty special. I would pay twelve hundred. I would totally pay that for Fortune's meditation. I wouldn't pay for my meditation, but I would pay it for Alanis' meditation. She's like good at she's like a guru with that stuff. Yeah, she is very wise and is she still vegan, Thomas? We should also tell her Orlandismorset dot com is for sales. So why do we tell her? Why don't we buy it and then she has to buy it from us?

You know, we're gonna make some cash. You buy the website and then be like I'll trade you for a VIP ticket. Yeah. Or I'll trade no, I'll trade you I I wanna sing. I but still not for your friend. Your friend's still has to wait outside. We buy the site. May puts a bunch of different videos of uh singing Alana songs. Oh she will finally see that you got them pipes. Turn

I think this is the part I was singing. Yep, it is. And now you know the lyrics, you had to Google them that night. Let's not get into it. I was nervous. I I mean I'm gonna have to do this after the podcast it's like sign into your Tiki Master account. You need to think about it too. Do it now. Thomas at Alanis refers to herself as about eighty percent vegan. Well my eyesight is so bad. I saw that uh she's been a vegan since the eighties.

My brain just went uh eighty percent V So that's pretty good. She's doing the best she can. She's helping. I have no judgment. I was just curious if she was still uh Good. Don't judge my girl.

I wonder if that is your girl. I know you do. Not as much as I love Carrie. Go ahead. I wonder if she'll be in oh Carrie Russell. Yeah. Do I really have to I mean she's Carrie dot com. Yeah. Okay. I wonder if that means that um Alanis will be in LA before that. And maybe I does she not live here anymore? We sh uh this is a great idea. We should spend the episode Speculating. Just speculating where she might be before and after. And then we end the episode with it.

Happy Valentine's Day, everybody. Oh man. But you guys wrong with us. You f I mean fortune, you are basically friends with her at this point. You have some sway. Like a one day will you But I don't have her number. If okay, if we were dating you and I, fortune. Oh you and I are dating in the scenario And it was Valentine's Day. Yes. And you're fr you your friends Glenn. Thank you. Um but would you motorboat?

Fortune? Of course. It's Valentine's Day. I'd have to push them together. Go to YouTube. But fortune would jeep resurrect. Fortune, put this down. You're gonna break your back. Look, that's how far down they go that I can go. What what mate? Sorry. Would you um if we were dating and you wanted to make me feel special, would you reach out to Lannis and say, Hey, May really wants to sing with you or could you Probably I would find a way. Yeah. Yeah, you would. See, that's why you're such a cat.

Love finds a way. I'm a catch. Love finds a way. Love finds a way. Fortune it looks like you have a Star Trek on that too. It's just a little polo guy. Yeah. But when I put it on, it looks like your uniform. Well, not mine. Mine's uh kind of yellow gold. What? You froze for me also in the r That is my job and don't do not make any fun of what I do. No Oh my lord, fortune, Marie. You need to go lie down. No, no, fortune, no.

Uh uh. Happy Valentine's Day, everybody. Uh uh uh no. No. I gotta say we are I think it's not a catch. It's been announced all about four AM today. What's up? Go back to sleep. How dare you go back to store? You're acting like a beast. May, what were you gonna say? I'm sorry Tig interrupted you. Oh, I don't know. No, please. Please come back. May come back. I like it when you guys bag me like that. What if I I'll go like this.

Mae, please Mae, turn back Turn back around Mayb, turn back around. Come on, come on. Don't tease us. There you are. There's that pretty handsome face.

Um it's been announced that we're doing the the Netflix as a joke festival with the cast of The the hunting wives. Yeah, with um Mullen Ackerman and uh Brittany Snow. And I just know this. Stephanie watches that show. But I was just watching Fortune you watching you do your you know, go down on your hand and and I was thinking that have this information. Why don't I do that? That is so rude of you. You know I don't miss anything. Not even my part in a

animated film. Well, I think that this is gonna be um it'll be like a special a thing that w maybe we'll air we we could probably air it if we wanted to. Um not like a live stream but as uh a pod. But I think we're actually gonna have'em sit down and chat with him a little bit. Mm-hmm. Chatting with friends on the handsome pod.

I know well this is what I'm worried about, Fortune. You gotta rein it in. I am worried about your decorum with this. This is actually ask these questions. You need to stay home. No, this is when you ask these questions, is what the people want. Oh, yeah. But with lesbians. I'm gonna have some really

Hard hitting journalistic questions and then I'll let I'll let you ask uh Well Mollin's Swedish, so people that listen in Sweden will really want to tune in. I can't wait to invite Stephanie. She loves that show. Do you think she has any lesbian questions for them? They're not Lesbians in life, but they did a really good job going down on each other. This is what I'm worried about. Like that we're gonna be like Oh, should we ask them for tips? Should we ask them for tips?

Um, I'm good. Maybe our audience or maybe our listeners can help us think of fun questions for them as well. Yeah, I'm fun or disgusting. I need to binge the rest of the show and then uh in the camera. I just fly into your camera. It's literally on the camera. Hold on. Here, here. People pay good money for this show. They don't. It's literally free. That's why they have to

Listen to ads. Yeah. That they love. That they can fast forward through. But don't do that. Stop fast forward. You get good deals. We got some good deals on things. I just watch. uh Brittany in that in that really scary one. Oh wait, wh which one? Uh with the psycho killer and um Claire Dane. Oh yeah, that was a good one. That was really good. The beast or something. The beast inside of you. Yeah. We're talking a lot about beasts.

Oh, at the at the Netflix Golden Globes party, Claire Dane was there and she was dancing up a one Dane or two? Claire Dane. Did I say Dane? Yeah, you said Dane. No, I'm a Dane Zah. Oh, I was like, okay, I feel like Her last name is Danes. I think I said Danes. No, no, no. She was dancing like crate like booty dancing, like all up in it, like And did you get in on that? No, but I was in the circle that she was dancing in. Rashida Jones was also dancing. We were all just

Like Nansen. And did you say, Hey, could could you do a handsome question? No, I should have. We really let's do it right now. Let's just get you on camera asking us a question. I I have a uh a a thing on Sunday with somebody that I'm really hoping I can get a question from that is kind of a big one. That would be awesome. It's uh it's not kind of, it is a big one. Is it? Mm-hmm. Is it Obama? No. It's a it's like basically that level. Whoa. Oprah? Is it Oprah? No. It's that level. Okay.

Oh my gosh. Yeah. Who else is that level of Oprah? Because we've Jennifer Aniston, Oprah, Obama, McCartney, Alph. Elf. Yeah. Okay, well that's exciting. That's a tease. Well we'll see. We'll see you guys. Yeah. Um does it are Is anyone excited for Valentine's Day? Good transition. Checking Allstate First could save you hundreds on car insurance. That's smart.

Not checking that you make some time to binge that new reality TV show, you're gonna regret it. Now I'm having lunch with friends and I don't know the details of that spicy love triangle between Bobby Megan and Bobby Too. Yeah, checking first is smart. So check Allstate first for a quote that could save you hundreds.

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I used to hate Valentine's Day. Mm-hmm. Not I'm not really that uh like into it now, obviously, but Um what do you mean obviously? Obviously, yeah. It's not obvious to me. It's not obvious to me. I don't know. It's just another it's just another one of those hallmark holidays. Oh yeah, but who cares? Why not take the moment to celebrate? That's true. No, I'm happy. No, it sounds like you're being negative. No, I love love. No. No, I love love. All right, I love you too.

Um, but uh growing up I had I probably had a chip on my shoulder about it because I never had a Valentine. Mm-hmm. And um and so, you know, when you weren't with somebody That da a day like that felt poopy. Yeah. Watch watch your mouth. I didn't have Valentine's either. Ever? You seem like you would have been like a little have a bunch of girlfriends in like high school or junior high. No. Oh. Oh. I didn't know what was up with me uh

Mm-hmm. My face and my outfits knew, but I didn't. Yeah. I feel like if you don't have a Valentine and you should just find any kind of Like a dog or a kid. Wait, what? Wait, why a dog? What are we tal Why a kid? No tissue. What are we talking about? Oh my god. Yeah, I need to explain this better. Yes, please. Oh my god. Oh my god.

I was just I okay, this was my dog. Dog or kid. If you don't have a date, find a dog. Uh no, my thought process was that when I was in in school, like my dad would make us feel really special on Valentine's Day and it would be like Fun games and balloons and stuff. So like if if you're feeling sad and lonely, just make it special for a dog or a kid. And it'll bring you to the bottom. But no. Good time.

gosh, my cats are gonna sleep right through it. Yeah, they don't wanna know. Exhaust sausages. You gotta wake'em. The only flowers I was ever sent in high school was from my brother. He sent me Valentine he sent me flowers. What's going on there? Nobody has a normal Valentine's Day. He was being nice. He sent flowers to me and flowers to my mom.

That's nice. And was he They were yellow, it's friendship flowers. Was he already at college and stuff? No. I think I was in ninth grade and maybe he was a senior. Is yellow friendship flowers? Uhhuh. Yellow is for friendship. What or white? Love a Triple X. Peace and love? Motorboatin. Red's romantic. White is motor boatin'. White flowers means motorboating. My brother he was probably like, Oh, she's the she's not gonna have a Valentine's. Let me send my sister some flowers.

My brother always sends me fla not always. I didn't have a valentine everyone relax. I didn't have a Valentine in college either. I was a real loner. I didn't go to college. Um There you go. Yeah, I didn't have one either.

Yeah, I don't think we should have dated fortune. I don't know. Why didn't we? I don't know. I thought you had male suitors, didn't you? Yeah. When? In my teens? Yeah. Anytime. Yeah, I had male suitors, I guess. And and then Sixteen plus I had I had girlfriends and boyfriends. Oh yeah. Do you think if you guys had met in high school or college and you know when you don't know any other queer people and you're in a small town you just think, I guess we'll date? Like you guys might have dated.

I can confirm Um but I think we would have been friends. We would have been friends for sure, being like, check that chick out. Uh-huh. And I'd be like, What? Are you gay? I think no no no. No. No, I just She's my best She's my best friend. Yeah. Yeah. Take and I met a long time ago. We we're we were we're both into feminine women. Mm-hmm. No, I know, but you know when you don't really know that yet and you're and you just meet a queer person and you think

Well, I guess I'm just in love with this person because you're like recognizing things about yourself. Wait, how about those mysterious people from your childhood, from junior high, from high school that you're like I know. What like looking back, there's something up with them. Yeah. They're married. To a man. Oh yeah. I know several of those. I know. Where you're like Where I'm like, that person's one Hundo gay. Yeah. Like, wow, you're still

Sticking with it. There is this one woman who I met like when we were like 20 or something. And I was like, Okay, where is your girlfriend? And to this day, still never has a boyfriend or a girlfriend. Wow. Straight as an arrow. She's missing out. Cla well, claiming to be straight as an arrow. It's so fascinating. There's like, yeah, a long list of people through life where you're like Wait. She needs to try the l just try the lady train.

Yeah I mean I know get a ticket, take take a ride. It can be one way, it could be round trip. Yeah. Yeah. You can hop on, hop off. Yeah. Like May does. May hops on, hops off. May does whatever they want. Yeah. I mean, e with everything. Mm-hmm. No, I if I

My life would look so different if I did whatever I want. Oh yeah. Like you might have a curtain. I'm like, yeah, I would have a curtain. I would Oh I'd have like exotic pets, you know, but I know you're not allowed. What kind of exotic pet? Koala. Well you'd probably start dating it'cause Valentine's Day. Just get your dog. Just grab a dog or a um a koala. Yeah, I'd have a koala, yeah.

Snuggle in my lap right now, can you imagine? I go, look up. Wait, we don't need to see your your We don't need to see your lap, whoa. Look at my my legs. Go to YouTube. May is showing their crotch. I would need some eucalyptus if you had a Koala. You know that oh oh my god, finally an organic Mayfact. A Mayfact, finally. It's been forever. Oh okay. Uh koalas are actually a I love that that's on your desk tag forever.

Um I said forever. Yeah. I don't know if that's always gonna be there. How dare you? Um koalas are allergic to eucalyptus and yet they eat it all the time and that's why they're so sick. Sleepy all the time because they're actually they can't digest it very well. Oh, they're dumb. They also all have chlamydia and they also I didn't And their fingerprints are indistinguishable from human fingerprints. Whoa, that's weird. And also their favorite artist is Jennifer Leify. Every single koala.

Loves Jennifer Lopez. Loves J Love. Mm-hmm. And razor blades. Mm-hmm. Well sounds like a very exciting Oh, I know it's.

We talked about it last week, but it's Tig's anniversary on Valentine's Day. Oh my god. Party Kisser on the list. Are you gonna do anything romantic? Well, Party Kisser got pinned down, you know. Yeah. Um but am I doing anything No, uh I feel like there's something that's going on on Valentine's Day where I can't be with my um special. You're not together? We're we're rarely together.

Oh no, I am home on Valentine's Day and then You gotta plan something special. The Independent Spirit Awards are uh the day after and we were nominated for best documentary. So I'll be at that. So I will be home. But I in the morning. Well, I'm gonna be home on the fourteenth and then the fifteenth is the award. So I I don't know what the fourteenth Y'all will make each other some overnight oats.

Mm-hmm. Yes. I'll meet you in the kitchen for some overnight oats, my love. You le instead of flower petals, you leave a trail of overnight oats with granola. Yeah. Blueberries. Yeah. That's romantic. Maybe you'll wear your nightgown for her. Mm, yeah, maybe. We'll see. Or maybe I won't wear my nightgown for Now we're talking. Finally. Yeah. Sexy. Uhhuh. And I feel like uh May still has a few days.

and they could end up with a date for the weekend going to this concert. I'm gonna go to the concert regardless and then um yeah, or maybe I'll meet someone at the concert. That's right. Yeah. Yeah. I'm gonna set I'll I'll set up a a Valentine I Valentine's Day's a s I I was proposed to on Valentine's Day. It kind of ruined All future Bal Valentine's Days for me. Well no, you need to reframe. I need to reframe. Rewrite your Valentine's. Don't cry'cause it's over. Smile'cause it happened.

Mm, that's right. We'll be right back after this commercial break. But should we get to our question? I feel that way about you saying that quote. I feel like Don't cry because it happened. Don't cry Oh what is it? Don't cry'cause it's over, smile'cause it happened. Yeah. You're smiling about me saying that? About saying that, yeah. Oh, that's nice. Look how I smile.

That's beautiful. Thank you. Um, let's get to our question asker. Today's question asker is an Emmy-winning writer, producer, and actor who wrote for SNL from 1995 to 2013. She played Gloria in Girls Five Eva and stars in the new comedy The Burbs on Peacock. Paula Pell is asking today's question. Woohoo! Paula's very funny. Paula's actually who uh wrote

the movie I'm filming right now. Um, Paula wrote it with her wife, Janine Brito, and uh they're very, very funny and Paula's a very amazing actress as well. Awesome. Yeah. Yeah. Let's hear it. Hi, hilarious hunks of handsome. It's Paula Pell. Thank you for having me. I love this podcast so much. Here's my question I'm posing to you. What is your absolute worst date you've ever been on? Just like a full diaper from beginning to end. A full diaper? Oh my god. A full diet.

That's funny. I've not heard that phrase. A f just a full diaper from beginning to end. Uh I'm trying to think what

to share. I feel like I don't go out on a lot of dates. I feel like I meet people. And then we figure out we like each other and then you're dating. And then we're dating. Right. But even if you just like go out for dinner with someone you're dating, that counts as a date. I mean, my most awkward dates were definitely like early on. Um This this was uh the time of Craigslist being a hot spot.

Do you remember these d these days? Did you end up in married threesomes? No, I've never been in a threesome. This is not a threesome gal over here. I Craigslist was like this would have been well,'cause I came out in two thousand five, you know, I was like a l a late bloomer. Mm-hmm. And Craigslist was very popular at the time for like finding like sports teams or dating or whatever. Like it was a very um the the community was active on there and

then, you know, eventually someone ruined it by murdering someone. It happens every time. But for a couple of years you could like if you wanted to do anything social Or if you wanted to get murdered. Well we didn't want that, but sometimes, you know, it just happens and um so I had joined some I had come out and I would join some sports team, was trying to meet

I was trying to meet gay people just for friends. And then I was trying to like get the courage to go on dates, but I had no game. I did not know how to talk to women. I was so awkward. And I went on Craigslist and started emailing with some people, but this was also no pictures. It was all just like. Women seeking women and you just put traits about yourself. Oh my God. And so I went on a couple dates. And they were un terrible. I think I went on three dates to three different women.

Blind date like total blind date. That's brave. Barely knew anything. And I had we had Zilch in common, all three of us. Yeah. And these were three very different women. Ver I mean, it the first one I was we met for coffee and I was so nervous. I like She had already gotten her she was kinda nerdy. And she had gotten a T.

And I sat down and spilled her tea everywhere on the table. Oh my god. So like And you already know out of the gate, I don't want anything to do with this. Oh you could I mean she's thinking the same about me though. Like there's no chemistry. But I couldn't stop saying the word gay date. I was like, I've never been on a gay date. If you do you go on gay dates

This is a very interesting gay date. And I was like, What am I doing? Wait, and you weren't being funny. No, I was not being funny. I was being so awkward because I was I never This is my first date with a woman. Did you have your Star Trek shirt on? I did not. But you know, that was what sucked about coming out late is that these are the awkward things I should have been doing at 16, you know.

Yeah. And I was having to do'em at like I don't know, this was twenty five, twenty six and um I was like, Yeah, this gay date, wow Like for Chris again, that's so good. Oh my god. Support is available 24-7 with VerboCare. We're here day or night. Ready whenever you need help. Because a great trip starts with the right support.

I think I think the coffee lasted forty minutes maybe tops. That's too long. And then I'm uh Another one at a bar, uh like a lesbian bar, and she seemed really into me and I was like, uh no, no, no, no, no, no. I d I was so scared of women, I couldn't I c just couldn't. I was not ready. You were like, Whoa, she wants to motorboat me. Yeah, but I was not ready for that. And there was I w we didn't really have chemistry either. And then the other one I think we I I think we met it at Chili's

Why are you laughing? You'd still do that now I wouldn't do it. I wouldn't do it now. Why are you laughing? Oh my god, we just split triple dippers and uh That sounds good. So the day wasn't You know, we weren't compatible, but man was the triple dipper fantastic. But I just was such a bumbling idiot for a couple years until I finally just got c you know, like you just have to practice. It takes just like doing it. Yeah. But those were the most

awkward. And and when you when when you're meeting like that it's so not organic. Yeah. You know, you're putting two like totally mismatched people together and just like being like, okay, here you go. It's different I think when you like You know, go online, you're talking I don't even know if we talked on the phone really. Like we just like went out, which was such a mistake. And then

I did another um a couple years later when I was more comfortable. I already kiss her. I know. A couple years later I went on match. Did you kiss any of these people? No, no, no, no. You just like peeled out and like drove home going

What the hell like what was your conversation too? Oh, I couldn't get out of there fast enough. And then I went on I was never really much into the apps or whatever. Mm-hmm. I just um, preferred to try to meet people in person and uh this one um I I finally went on the app'cause I was having a hard time meeting people and um I emailed only two women um and they uh and I met them both in real life. And then found out um with in a a couple of weeks of hanging out just as friends.

That they were dating each other. No. Mm-hmm. They were currently dating each other. They had met on the website. Oh But what's the website? Mat I mean like Match dot com I think. Uh-huh. And they but they c both continued to stay on They were triple dippers. The website and then yeah, and then I was like th and so they were like, We just wanna be fr they would each were telling me they wanted to be friends and I was like, Well, why are you on a dating site? Yeah. It was so weird to me.

Um why like I hope they're they broke up of course a couple months later. They listen to this podcast now, by the way. For sure they do regret. One of'em I did ask out after they'd broken up. I mean, they were they dated like three months. It was like nothing. And I think I asked a couple of months after that if she wanted to go out and she was like, No

I can't believe you asked me out. I was like, Oh my that tone I know. She seemed very yeah, like very offended and then like hit on a friend of mine. I was like, Okay. This is I had I had a couple of years of just bad luck, like just drama, early twenties. I just fumbling through I would like

girls that didn't like me back and or they were like confused about their sexuality. I just it took me a while to really get in get it right, like as far as like starting to have good dates. Yeah. Or were they maybe like turned off by gay date coming up all the time. I didn't do that again. That was the first I just did it on the first one. But yeah, take I just think that's what's tough about

coming out later is because you wanna, like I said, be be doing this awkward stuff in your teens. Like that's when you want to be Um, going through stuff, not when you're like twenty five to you know, late twenties. Well, yeah, I feel like then it feels worse. Yeah, and I feel like honestly, it kind of There's like sometimes a rested development vibe. Totally. In that in the community. Yeah. Because people have not experienced

Yeah. Yeah. At least now with the apps you can get so specific about what you're into. You could you could Put well now I'm a grown ass woman and Oh, okay. Geez. I'm now I'm Rico Suave, right? Yeah, you are, yeah. Absolutely.

I've come a long way. That was twenty years ago. So I uh was a baby gay as they call'em. I'm thinking of the the date that sprung to my mind is um it was my birthday and I was I was living in England and I was living with My girlfriend who was closeted. And so I I had like a little cupboard under the stairs that we would pretend was my bedroom, like Harry Potter. Adorable. Like Harry Potter's house. It was like it was literally a tiny it was

A quarter of the size of this office I'm in now, and it just had a single bed, and it was just so if people came over, we could be like, Oh no, May sleeps in there. Like, why? Like a Barbie dream house. Yeah. And so it was my birthday and I ca I'd started to be like, Okay, you gotta start telling people now and shoot and like the pressure was on and It was a sore spot. Anyway, she brought me in the rain to way out to like Richmond, way out

side of London, like in like really the outskirts, to to walk around a garden. And I slowly realized that it was just cause we wouldn't bump into anyone we knew. And then also she got tired and so she made me tell them that she needed a wheelchair. And so I pushed her around I pushed her around this garden in the rain in a wheelchair while sh and I was like this This is the hottest thing I've ever heard. I was like, this sucks. And then this sounds awful. Oh, it was awful and and uh

Wait, where did the wheelchair come? And why could she not walk? Y'all are young. Uh we were young. She was just tired. She was like I need to pull that sometime with Stephanie. And then and then we went back to our apartment and then she was like, Oh my friend's coming over, so can you like not be weird? And then I was like, Okay, well I wanted to take a bath and she was like, Well that'll be weird if you take love.

Yeah. I love a bath. Anyway, I love a bath too. I love you too. And then the other bad date I could think of that I wait, can I ask Ru a follow up role before I want to hear this one. But did y'all last much longer?

We were together three and a half years. And st and only a handful of the closet. And she was in the closet the whole time? Pretty much, yeah. I mean everyone knew our our friends, but they were British people in their twenties, too awkward to say anything. I was like This is yeah, I mean I should have got a I'll be honest.

I don't know how I missed how the wheelchair ended up uh she just got tired. They just had spare wheelchairs for, you know, the elderly and stuff at at Kew Gardens. You could rent them and uh she set uh Can you go and tell them that I'm I need one and that, you know, I have a leg problem or something? And then I I went and got one and I was I just remember pushing her around being so tired and it dawning on me that we were out in the middle of nowhere so we wouldn't bump into it. Yeah.

You know, that's interesting. Um, i even though this isn't what you were saying, I just had this memory that my first girlfriend She um would wanna hold my hand and I was so uncomfortable that I would um I'd limp. When she held my hand like I would act like I needed her to help me. Oh my god. Yeah. Dig Oh my God. Oh her little internal homophobia from back in the

Yeah, yeah. So glad to be far from that. I know, I know. I was I was very, very uncomfortable. And then what was your other one that you were gonna talk about? The other one it actually ended up being a fun weekend, but it was with an ex of mine. We went up to Big Bear and I and I was like crazy about her and we're we're in the car, we got up to Big Bear and it was like day one and I She said something like, Well, we should probably talk about where this is going and I was like, Yeah.

Great. I want it to go everywhere to the moon and the stars, baby. Yeah. And she was like, Oh, well, I'm not really sure what I want. And I It uh and then I was like, fuck, we have this whole weekend now and I I'm like visibly shaken by that. But I'm like, no, I'm gonna be cool. And I'd rented this Airbnb and it was the middle of winter and snowing and uh we got in the hot tub that night and it was nighttime.

And we locked ourselves out and it was cut snow and the and we're in the hot tub, but the the Airbnb was forty-five minutes from anywhere. And uh and we're in our bathing suits. But we had uh our phone. So we called the company that ran the and they said, Well we can have someone to you in about ninety minutes or something, but the roads were so icy people were like And so we're just freezing but also the chlorine and the bleach and the

hot tub that we were in there for hours and when I got out my black bathing suit was bleached like almost orange. Oh wow. And the guy showed up and he'd forgotten the key and he had to take the whole front door off its hinges to get us in. and then put it back on. And then basically the next morning we woke up and our skin was like cracking dry. It was the biggest boner killer. We had to go to C V S.

Buy as much moisturizer as we could. You would have loved it. Well did y'all at least put the lotion on each other? Yeah, I'm sure. I'm sure we did. That I mean you could make uh you know, make something with that. Yeah. Yeah, that sounds like a terrible weekend. Especially a woman that was lazy and wanted to sit in a wheelchair. Well, the wheelchair went to the wheel. That was a different axe. I know. But that is just like'cause you were probably in your twenties.

Yeah. And and like push me around in a wheelchair. And that you had to pretend that you lived in a Barbie dream house under the stairs. She was a real character. There's more stories there. The only two? Cause did you draw from some of that for Feel Good?'Cause wasn't that character in the closet? I did a bit, but um

In Feel Good I made you really root for the relationship, I think. Right, right. And in real life, I don't think anyone was rooting for everyone's like, Okay, it's time to move on. Yeah. She's rolling around a wheelchair outside. I'm exhausted. Just cause she's tired. An exhausted sausage.

Tick, what about you? Well yeah, you're so you don't go on many dates, but No. Would you you probably ask Don't yell at me for children. I wouldn't be someone who had the confidence to ask some girls out. No. Really? I didn't ask girls. You wanna Colorado? Oh my gosh. This girl in LA, she was a stand-up writer, producer, person that I just like. Would meet. I uh I you know, we've just became friends and we really like enjoyed each other. Oh my gosh. I um I never want to overstep.

Yeah. Or make somebody uncomfortable. Yeah. Uh and I don't like to assume anybody is attracted to me. Like I I It's it's crippling, you know. Yeah. And um she and she had never been into a woman before. Um and uh she We hung out and was she she lived in this apartment in San Like takes care of it. I'm just it's so hilarious.'Cause we're still friends and she's you know, she's great. It's just so funny to think back

before we knew each other better. And so she had me over, we went to her the roof of her apartment in Santa Monica. And it was like Uh yeah, so wanna come sit with me on the swing? And I was like, sure. And and I'm like, is she intimate? Like I I just didn't know what was happening. And so we're like swinging, and then she's like, well, it's

It's getting late. Do you wanna spend the night? And I was like, um and it was to be fair, it was very late. Um But I mean It's not like I couldn't drive back to Hollywood from Santa Monica, but I was like Um, sure. And um so I stay I she makes up the couch for me. Okay. That is confusing then. This is mixed signals. Yeah. Well, I think

I probably had something to do where I was I pr I could imagine this is I probably was like I I I could sleep on the couch, you know what I mean? Like I was trying to like probably get ahead of things and so I'm like on her And she's in her bedroom and And uh you just hear this voice go, um, um Tig. And I'm like, yeah. And she's like, are you comfortable on the couch? Oh man, she wanted you to come in the bedroom. Hãy subscribe cho kênh Ghiền Mì Gõ Để không bỏ

Oh no Oh my god so nothing happened? Putting it out there. No, I mean we ended up like hooking up, making out, kissing, like um That night. No. Tim was not picking up on anything. Yeah, it's like you have to absolutely just kiss you. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. It it because there's no world that I will um Do that. Yeah. I just I was pretty bad about that too. I never knew if someone liked me. Yeah. I think I've mentioned a story also about this girl.

that when she was done with me after we had done with me sexually or No, she wa she was so done with me because um it just Uh it just it was not happening. Mm-hmm. And then of course it it created that. situation where y where I became more interested in her when she was less interested. Mm-hmm. And uh one time I stopped by her house I think I mentioned this on the show. Wearing the shirt that she always would tell me I looked cute in she uh yeah wasn't having any of it it didn't do it.

No, no. But but we're totally pals still. I we haven't really ever talked about that. About you on the sofa? Yeah, and it w it's also I mean like we're both married with kids and like rarely see each other. I think it's been like Ten years since I've seen her. Okay, okay. Yeah. But um anyway, that was uncomfortable. And I was fully to blame.

Tig, are you comfortable on the subway? Yep. Good. Yeah. I yeah, I I definitely had some awkward like phone calls where I liked someone but I Nothing was ever happening and I it would just drag out and drag out and drag out and finally I would just call them and be like, I like you And it would be like Um I don't like you like that. Okay. Okay, bye. Okay. Oh, wrong number.

God, my twenties were a mess. I would love to move on. But once I hit thirty, I found my stride. Yeah. But man, those tw those twenties were Yeah. I I Yeah, it's rough thinking back on my life before. Oh my God. I'm always like, My apologies to everyone. My apologies. I just I was just not great at things. Wow. It's a weird thing. Some people are good at it and some people aren't, but then

Eventually you found your your right person and then it was so easy, right? Yeah. I mean, God, so easy. But it's also um I don't know what I was gonna say. Hm. Oh, I know what I was gonna say. It's so impressive though, Fortune, that you felt that way and you still put yourself out there. Like I didn't I I didn't ever do that at all. It was so hard. I mean, I was like Uh you know, my stomach was in knots. Yeah. But still that's like true bravery and like

Strength because it is, because you're you're so full of fear and insecurity and you're st you're like, I I'm still gonna put myself out there. I well it It had gone on where we were in this weird like in between for a bit where I couldn't it p part of it was I just couldn't take it anymore. Mm-hmm. Like the not knowing'cause I was my feelings were continuing to develop. Mm-hmm. And and I I had this like run where I liked a couple of oh well not at the same time.

But I liked a couple women in a row. uh that unrequited love thing. Yeah. And I don't I couldn't get out of that pattern where I just was like falling for these people that just nothing was happening. And Um, and but I I was developing feelings and I just got to the point where I was like, I have to I have to like find out uh because um not that I I won't s be their friend, but I need to know so that I can put my energy elsewhere if this isn't gonna develop. So yeah, it was basically just

after a while of me just not wanting to feel that like awful in between anymore. And now you and Tig are such good friends. Look at us. We made it through. I was just also stuck on my couch. I was also I don't know how I ended up on this coffee date with a girl. It was right after it was in twenty twelve after all the hell I had been through and and she was like Uh yeah, uh well, there you go, Fortune. She looked like a version of Jennifer Aniston. You know? Oh, okay. And um

But she was so deeply boring. I like I I was I was truly staring at her like How on earth are you choosing these words and sentences and I I was so confused. And um after our our coffee, she texted me. That was so nice. And I was like, Ubbly and then uh she knew that I had a show that night and she texted me before the show saying, Have a good show and I was like, Uh oh. And then yeah, and then at night When I was in bed, I got a text from her saying, sweet dreams.

And I was like, Oh my god. I I s I called her Tex I called her Textafer Aniston. But um I was just like no no no no and uh and that was actually a story I had told Stephanie before we got involved and then when she and I exchanged numbers, she texted me it Eleven o'clock that night and said sweet dreams. She's so good at those callbacks. Yeah, yeah. She's good. But anyway, I can't even imagine the the

awkward stories people have about me. Oh my God. Wouldn't it be nice to hear what people say about you? Well, it makes me think I would love to text um that friend, the comedian, writer, producer, pr what if it was Paul Apel? Yeah. Um no, that um that that went on with all those years ago and just be like, how hilarious. How hilarious. And what are your memories of that? Yeah. That was would be funny. Anyway. Uh let's hear Paul Appel. Yeah. After my divorce, I went on a date.

someone fixed me up with someone. I had moved to LA and they fixed me up with this girl. And I was all excited, I got a blow dry and got my nails done and I was all nervous and I got ready early and sat and waited with my purse in my lap, like I was waiting for church to start and I was waiting for her call'cause she had a meeting at at like seven and was gonna be done, ready for dinner at Cantor's at eight. We're gonna have a little deli meal, all excited and

She just kept delaying. Oh my God, I'm so sorry. Cause I kept having to check in. Hey, are we still doing this? So sorry. I'm walking my friend to his car. Oh, I'm so sorry. I'm talking to my friend. He's going through something. I'll be there very soon. I'll call you. Finally about I'm not kidding, two hours go by and I'm like, if you wanna cancel and we can do this some other time, I had completely melted all my all my beautification.

And she said, No, no, I don't have my car. Can you pick me up at this corner and we can go to g go uh to a bar? So I picked her up. We went to the bar and started talking. She was really nice and we're laughing and talking. And she proceeds to tell me that she went to dine with her friend she was talking to that delayed the date. At Cantor's, where we were supposed to be going. What? And she thought it was funny and she was just telling me, like, can you believe it? We did that.

And I was just like But I had very low self esteem at the time. So of course at the end of the day it I was like I hope she still wants to make out with me which she did not. Oh My Lord God dang Paula you don't deserve that d is Paula in a relationship Paula's happily married. Oh, okay. She remarried. Yes, Paula remarried.

Oh, so happy. Oh, good. How long has she been with her wife? Her new her new? Probably not no. They've been together for a bit. I don't know how long though. Yeah. But they they seem like a great fit. Oh, that's awesome. Nerve of that date. Yeah. To be like so funny. While you were waiting, I went to the place we were gonna go. That's so rude. That was so silly of me. Yeah.

I did ask someone on I thought I asked someone on a date once. This is again back in my twenties. And um it was one of those outdoor um movies. This was like and a a bunch of my friends were going. I was like, Oh, this is the perfect like first date like We can kinda get to know each other. So I asked this girl and she brought a date. Oh but Mike Barbiglia, my um girlfriend's boyfriend. She I had I like sat there and had to like entertain her date like like

She's like, Fortune's so funny And I was like, Oh my god, what am I doing with my life? Those kind of moments of truly where you catch yourself in a mo where you're like What how did I end up here? Yeah. Crazy. Yeah. That is so funny. Um I'm excited for the Paula Pell's movie with you in it, Fortune. Yeah, when does that come out? I mean we're this is the one we're filming now, so I don't know.

Well, but Paula and her wife, Janine wrote it. So they wrote it together. They're both uh really fantastic comedy writers. That's so cool. Yeah.

And they live on a farm as lesbians sh do? Wait, in real life? Yeah. Really? Like with chickens and stuff? Cows? They've got to do that. Why is she invited me? It's in uh I think it's in New York somewhere in New York. I can travel. All right. Well tell her Paula you want to go to her farm. Yeah. Oh my gosh. That's my big dream in the in in the end. Oh my gosh.

But it's my big dream is I wanna I wanna start an animal sanctuary. I could see that for you. And to go back to wheelchairs. Yeah. I want to bring it full circle. I mean I would love to have an animal sanctuary with animals that are like in wheelchairs. Oh, like three legged donkeys and stuff. Oh my gosh, try to stop me. You think that is I mean that's what I want in life. Yeah. Yeah. I love that for you, bud.

Thanks. I love you too. Well, awesome. Um that was fun. That was so fun. What do you guys have coming up on uh Well Valentine's Day, right? Yeah, big New York City, Beacon Theater, February fourteenth, and then in March I have San Diego, Oklahoma City, Fayetteville, Arkansas, Little Rock, Arkansas, and um A bunch of those rescheduled dates.

Like Toronto and uh San Antonio and Portland. I'm so sorry I had to reschedule again, but I'm coming, I promise. I'll be in Tucson. Fan uh Santa Fe, Ventura, California, Monterey, Los Angeles. Charleston, uh West Virginia, Cincinnati, Chattanooga, Knoxville. Keene, New Hampshire, Newtown, Connecticut, Portland, Maine, Red Bank, New Jersey, Bellingham, Washington, Brooks, California, San Luis Bispo

Albany, New York, Peakskill, New York, Clayton, New York. Do you do I ch Oh this is when I can go see the animals Rochester, New York. There you go. Calgary, Omaha, Oklahoma, all of those places. I will be there. Tignotaro dot com. Looking forward to it. I'll be with Amy Berkman, the Speed Painter opening for me, raising money for Good causes including for animals.

Um that's what I'm up to. All right. I am tomorrow night. I'm at Largo in LA trying out my new hour. Um, before I go on tour to all those Cities then. Uh February twenty sixth, Oklahoma, and the twenty-seventh, Houston and Dallas, and go to Maymartin.net. Um it's selling out, but there's still some tickets available. See if I'm coming to your town and uh I can't wait.

Subscribe, rate, review. Also subscribe to YouTube so you can see fortune touching her knockers. Yeah. All right. Bing bing ling ling ling. Share an episode with a friend. And um That's really noise they make. I don't know what's No, I know. I used to have those things. They're still they're still bouncing in the dumpster. But yeah, it's a wonderful community of people.

Just a sea of handsome merchandise at the shows. It's so wonderful. You guys are the best. Yeah. Yeah. You're so so great. And until next time, what do you say we uh Keep it awesome! Handsome is hosted by me, Mae Martin, Tignotaro, and Fortune Themster. The show is produced, recorded, and edited by Thomas Willette. Email us at handsomepod at gmail.com and please follow us on social media at handsome pod. What a podcast! Podcast! What a podcast! That was a headgum podcast.

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how law works. Next we have is very simple. Each episode has three short segments. For instance, Lisa Gilroy and I write insane revenge Yelp reviews for callers who had bad experiences with a business. The Doughboys play a game called Meal or No Meal, and Stef Tolov and I go head to head ahead on a thought-provoking game called Guess That Sound. The show is as dumb as it sounds.

probably have more fun than we should. But it's a great time and you should listen or watch new episodes of Next We Have every Thursday on YouTube or your favorite podcast app.