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And I am your very, very dear friend, also a host on The Handsome Pod, Tig Notaro. Woo! Woo! We're back together. We are. It's been a while. It feels good. You guys are both in Toronto. I'm away from you. I feel like a piece of me is missing. Two pieces. yeah that's right two crucial pieces yeah yeah yeah may how's uh filming going oh it's going well thank you yeah i got like three weeks left and um yeah it's i've like
Finally hit my groove right near the end of the shoot. You're like, I got this down. I think I got this. Yeah, I'm having a great time. I saw... Lisa Gilroy today. Lisa Gilroy, yes. And Alana Johnson. I think they both saw a clip or something of your show and they were like, this looks incredible. Really? Well, okay. Lisa Gilroy and Alana Johnson were both. at my house last night because i was closing the bear portal finally and uh they came over to to paint bears and um
And then next thing you knew, everybody left and just the three of us watched that new M. Night Shyamalan movie, The Trap. Yeah, it was a real blast. Did you get scared? I spent about 20 minutes deciding whether I was going to scare Lisa. Like I had a whole plan to go out of the room and secretly exit the house and go around to the window. And then I thought, you know what? I don't know. Does Lisa scare easily? Yes. And I'm thinking the one time that.
she got scared and she did burst into tears so i thought i don't want that we were we're in one of those immersive horror things that i make people go to and yeah you two are pranksters i i don't do the pranks yeah you don't like a spook as much i don't like scaring people. Oh, okay. You just like being silly. Yeah, I like not just being silly, but teeing myself up to look very foolish. Yes. Yes. How's your how's your filming going? Have you had any?
Well, I'm just working a lot with Holly Hunter. That scared me. Get out on the deck. We've got the space to save. The space. We got to save the space. I feel like I don't know. I don't know why I'm getting faster speech from her. Really? Well. I'm not hearing her be like, we gotta save the space. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. You know, like she's more on it. Like a little more jacked up is kind of how it feels. It feels kind of Dr. Pepper. Yeah. When you're saving space, you've got to be...
You gotta be jacked. I think it's called the space. Sorry, when you're saving the space, you gotta be on it. Yeah, you gotta save the space. You know, you can't just dilly-dally. You gotta get out there and save that space. I was never really into science as a kid, so... That's why I don't know more about the space. I thought you were going to say you were never really into Holly Hunter. Oh, no, I'm definitely into Holly Hunter. Do not talk about the star of Starfleet Academy.
Like Starfleet Academy. I'm definitely into Holly Hunter. Holly Hunter is Stephanie's favorite actor across the board. No ifs, ands, or buts. I get it. Raising Arizona? Come on now. Oh, Raising Arizona. Yeah. I wish I had that kind of certainty about anything. Like this is my favorite actor. It would be so relaxing to just know. I kind of feel that way about the Beatles. I'm like, they are my favorite and that's calming to me.
I feel that way about Kelly Clarkson. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And a power ballad. There's a lot of space news going on because we have two moons at the moment. Did you see that? Oh. Wait, are you about to moon us? Oh my gosh, go to YouTube right now. Go to YouTube right now. May's pants are down. Full moon. That would be the best. The best set up ever.
Did you guys hear we have two moons at the moment? And then you pull your pants down and ass right in the Zoom. Right in the Zoom. But I did, when they announced it so casually, they're like, oh, yeah, we're going to have two moons for the next couple of months. And it's like...
What? Like no one ever said, oh, at some point we might have two moons like that. Like it feels a bit. You needed a heads up. I needed a heads up. Yeah. Yeah. You can't just spring two moons on May. I know if you're able to see them. One of them is the size of a school bus. So I think it's too small to see, but I don't get why. So it's orbiting us for like a month and a half and then it's just going to go away. Like not to be a conspiracy theorist, but this sounds like aliens.
I have to be really honest with everybody right now. Do it. I never heard about two moons. You gotta get online. Is it in the news? Yeah. Well, truth be told, I have been staying away from the news as of late. Today is election day. Go vote.
whatever you do vote listen to our podcast and then go vote we encourage everyone to exercise your freedom to vote because ladies and gents you gotta vote and everyone in between pretty little ladies pretty little ladies yeah and the and our dudes listening go vote please go but i stayed away from the news because it's just been it's been conspiracy theory like To the nth degree for a while. It is so crazy how conspiracy theories used to be so... Fringe. So fringe. And now it is... It is...
Go ahead. I feel like. I mean, maybe I'm part of the problem. Oh, for sure you are. For sure I am. I see a news headline that's like, top scientists have figured out how to travel backwards in time. And then you just keep scrolling. Like I think any day now something crazy is going to happen. That second moon is going to descend. I think I'm so like in the like what we're dealing with on a daily basis just.
from the climate stuff and the weather stuff and the hurricanes and wait that's all the climate stuff the politics and you but you know what i mean like all of it it's not just the hurricane it's all of it combined and the politics and the division and the fighting and the guns and the it's like I can't also handle the conspiracy theories on top of
I thought you were going to say you can't also handle a second moon moving in. I think that's fair. The moon I can handle. It's a lot. I can handle a school bus sized moon. Throw that at me any old day. Yeah. I think I, um, it must be, I wonder if it's like on purpose to distract us from all the.
real problems they're like well there's a second moon or or maybe i just as escapism so i don't have to face all the really pressing problems i'm like yeah this moon guy i think it might be more for you to escape because i don't i don't know that a lot of people out there like oh man You hear about that second moon? How are we going to keep going? It was a lot to process. Thomas, were you aware of the second moon? I knew about the second moon, yes. See, the Canadians love the moon story.
It was a big topic of conversation last night when we were doing our bear paintings, talking about the second moon. And would you guys like to see my bear painting? We would absolutely. I've already seen it. Have you? Yeah. Lisa's showed me. oh okay okay oh wow with the inside scoop of the bear paintings
Oh, way to attack me, Fortune, about seeing a bear painting before you did. I don't need you to show it to me because my best friend Lisa already showed it to me. Yeah, me and Lisa are really close, and she's like, hey, look. look at May's bear painting and here's mine. And don't tell fortune. Well, you guys. Sorry. Things got really nasty. The election's pulling everyone apart. I know. It's the gravitational pull of the second moon. It's fucking with all of our internal.
fluids and water definitely the moon not the electric the pending electric yeah okay this is so this was I was worried about painting the wrestling bear Caesar and then I checked with Raph that woman who did the malokio spell to if you're if you're just listening to the pod for the first time this is not
Anything new. Yeah, this is part of a saga. May's had a bear journey. This is, I think, now the saga's ending, so this is my bear. Whoa, that's really good, May. Thank you so much. He's wearing a Caesar crown. He looks like a bear wolf. Oh, yeah, I see that. Yeah, here's his face. I would say barely looks like a wolf. Beowulf. Beowulf. That's really good. Beowulf. And so the painting was part of the release to get it.
out you'll notice out like in the painting the bear is like like really releasing its rage which is what the real wrestling bear never did he was so docile and placid And I feel like I got to release my inner bear rage. And so I painted it. I feel good. I might give the painting to Joe. That's what I think I might do. That would be nice. Joe the button maker? Hi, my name is Joe. I've got a wife and three kids and a family.
So you feel like you release some inner rage. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. But there's.
The coincidences continue because my friend brought a bear painting over that she's had for 15 years. And we're looking at the painting. And then on the back, we see it says, For Jesse the Elder. And we're like, what? You can... imagine this electrifies me then it's like the artist has signed it mike juno and we're talking about this and then my buddy jason comes over just my random buddy jason and he goes oh i know mike juno we go what
He goes, yeah, yeah. Because she goes, I bought it at a yard sale 15 years ago. And Jason goes, let me text Mike Junot. Text him, goes, did you paint this bare? He goes, yeah. Guess what Mike Junot's job is now? What? He's a wrestler. for real so anyway i think i think that closed the loop and yeah yeah are you feeling better much yeah do you guys do you paint i feel like
Painting just for fun for a couple hours, you light a candle, you sit. Do you do that with your kids, Tig? Well, I was going to say, you know, Max and Finn, of course, do art and painting because they're children. But Max... We call it his art studio, and it's this table set up in our driveway. And he just sets up all of the paint, and he'll come home from school, put his...
backpack down, walk out to the driveway and just start painting. And it's really incredible just that he has that interest in drive. Yeah, I kind of understand art therapy now because I'm like something about just... pushing colors around yeah nice people love it i am not a big painter or drawer but when presented with the opportunity i've found that i really thrive One recent example being that Chili's baby back ribs, they have a thing where you can color a chili pepper.
Not the band, an actual pepper. Yeah, sure. And they raised money for St. Jude's. They sent me some markers to paint a pepper. um a real pepper or no like a picture of a pepper oh cool and what was your style so i went gay yeah um that checks out and made the pepper of the rainbow flag And felt because the headquarters of Chili's is in Texas. Yeah. And so my pepper was going to go be sent to Texas to be put in one of their stores. And I thought, you know what? I'm going to send a little gay.
Yeah, chili pepper to Texas. Well, they do have gay people in Texas. They sure do. And gay people love chilies. Love a triple dipper. I've never been. That's my go-to. You've never been to Texas? You've never been to Chili's? Either. You've never been to Texas or Chili's? No. What? I know.
I know. I'd love to. Well, we'll have to solve the Texas one for you at some point. Yeah. And we can solve the Chili's situation for you as well when you're back home. What did you say? You had a triple dipper? Yeah, Mae. What is a triple dipper? What is that? Oh, my friends, thank God you asked. Now Tig's not going to be interested in this. I don't think there's a lot of vegan food and chilies. I would say have a salad.
So Triple Dipper, and it's very popular on TikTok right now, but I've been an OG lover of Triple Dipper my entire life. It's an appetizer at Chili's. where you can pick three of their appetizers, hence the triple dipper. And all three of those apps have a sauce you can dip it in, hence the dipper. Is one of them like mozzarella sticks with a marinade? May. Not only.
Is there a mozzarella stick situation where you can get the OG original with marinara sauce? And I'm not sponsored by Chili's. Wait, when were you at Chili's last? It has been a minute. What's a minute? Like a week or a year? Like six months probably. You're due for another? I'm due for a dipper. I'm due for a dipper for sure. Now they have...
Mozzarella sticks with either a Nashville hot sauce or some kind of like honey bourbon glaze or something like that. And according to the kids on TikTok, they love them. It's so weird that TikTok is celebrating. It's like, we got to get on board with this triple dipper. It's been a resurgence. It's weird. These youngins on TikTok, they find these things and they act like they've just discovered them.
They're like, what's this? This triple dipper, what is this? Oh, my God. They might have just discovered it. I think they might have, but I've been going there since I was five. So you love Chili's? Yeah, they have Southwest. Southwest. Southwestern egg rolls, which are amazing. They have honey chicken crispers, which is a chicken tender with this sweet honey sauce. This is exactly my type of palate. This is perfect for me. All right, Mae, we'll go. And you were correct in that it...
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If you were one food and one beverage, what are you, right? It's like one food and one drink. And what did we say? Fortune was like. I was what my friend told me I was, which was a chicken sandwich. and a Shirley Temple. But May thought I was milk and chocolate chip cookies, and either of those I think apply. But Shirley Temple, I really see.
you're a shirley temple and then i can't remember what i was but then yeah what do you think you are well i'm gonna go ahead and be a roy rogers oh we said i think thomas said water it's kind of the only thing i drink is water yeah i think that's why roy rogers is what whiskey
I don't even know what it is. Wait, is it Coke and? Maybe and maraschino cherry juice. Oh, the grenadine. That's what's in the Sprite. I mean, Shirley Temple, grenadine and Sprite. I guess it's that that's in a Coke is a Roy Rogers. Um, I said you'd be a salad maybe. No, you know, I'd be, here's what I'd be. I'd be a kombucha, a ginger, ginger kombucha. And I would be a delicious grain bowl.
Oh my God. Yeah. There'd be like mushrooms, quinoa. What are they? Sweet potatoes, broccoli. God. Yes. Avocado. Hello. Grain bowl.
hello grain bowl i i thought i think i said for you maybe one of the you described that like date dessert one time oh my friend makes those after listening to our handsome pod does she love them or what it's a gay boy gay man and he loves absolutely loves them and I went to a party at Karen Kilgariff's house which you were invited to a couple months back and he brought them to that party
Were they a hit? They were fantastic. Because anytime I've brought them or I've made them at a party, people are like, what? What is this? Oh, dates. I don't know. And I'm like, just cork it. It was Zagnoe Towers. Very funny comedian. He made them after listening to the handsome pod. Yeah, it's really good. But I still stand by I'm a ginger kombucha and a delicious grain bowl.
yeah you know i like that i have realized that i do love food that comes in a bowl i do too yeah i did find i did realize that about myself there used to be a place in la called grain lab and it's no longer or they sold it it's not this i don't know if what's the deal with it now but it used to just be these bowls with like um veggies and i would get i did i do eat meat i apologize Hey. And it was like a chicken and couscous bowl or like a steak and sweet potato bowl.
And it was like my favorite thing in the world to eat. And I only want my food in bowls now. I get made fun of because I like, like if I order takeout like Vietnamese or something, I get like a pho or like one of those. like a bun, you know, a noodle salad thing. I want to eat it out of like a trough. Like I sometimes get like a giant pot that you would cook pasta in, like a metal pot, and I'll just dump everything in there and get a spoon. You just want it all mixed in together and stuff.
Yeah, because I don't want to, it won't all fit on one plate. I don't want to do, you know, one plate. I have a question. Yeah, sure. Is it called pho or pho? I thought it was. It's definitely pho, you're right. It's pho. I get embarrassed because I feel like I'm being like croissant. You know what I mean? Oh, I see. That makes sense because I've spent a good amount of time in Australia.
doing shows. Oh my God. That's so funny that you brought that up because I too spent a lot of time. Wait, I was with Jennifer Lopez. yeah and um there was lots of things to do in australia yeah no no i'm not from australia i know it's very hard to tell from the exit Did you take, were you starting to become Australian? Um, I was with Jennifer Lopez and, um, We of course were...
Riding kangaroos. Kangaroos. Haven't yet to watch out for razor blades. Yeah. A lot of razor blades. Wait, what's that reference? It's just an easy word to say in an Australian accent. Razor blades. Rise of lights. And you know how I learned this, and this is going to be, a lot of people probably know this trick, but if you don't know this trick, you can convince somebody for like two seconds that you can speak an Australian accent if you say raise.
up lights raise up lights raise up lights raise up lights raise up lights oh right and it sounds if you say it fast yeah you gotta put it together raise up lights Raise up lights. Are you guys Australian? Did you make this up? No, someone told me about it years ago. Raise up lights. See, but put it together faster. Raise up lights. Raise up blades. Raise up blades. Oh, my God. Our Australian listeners right now are dying. Are throwing up. Raise up blades.
They're like these stupid American and Canadian hosts. Raise up lights. Raise up lights. And then if you put it all into one thing and don't enunciate, rise of lights. But now you're not saying raise up lights at all. I know. Say rise. Rise. Say rise. Rise. Rise. Rise up. Rise up. Rise up. Take the P off of it. Can't we just say Riza? Riza. Riza. Riza. Riza. Lights. Lights. But go. Blides. Riza blides. This is, I want my money back is what I want.
I truly, I thought that you guys were, I thought that the sentence like to learn an Australian accent was. You guys were closer to an Australian accent than you've ever been by saying raise up lights. Jennifer Lopez. See, Jennifer Lopez. You guys were saying a sentence that was designed to give you an Australian accent. Jennifer Lopez. I was with Jennifer Lopez. Oh, I brought up Australia not to go down this weird road. Sue me. Sue me.
Okay, I'll see you in court. We're going to have some listeners going, oh my gosh, Tig is suing fortune. Tig, eat my ass. Gladly. Hey, eat my ass. Say that. Say ate. And you have to have the last part sound like a question. Eat my ass. Ate. Ate. My. My. Ais. Ais. Ate my ass. We apologize to all of our Australian listeners. Even listeners everywhere else where they're listening. All I wanted to say is I understand what you're saying, May, about pho and pho.
because after spending so much time in melbourne melbourne all the locals say melbourne and and you sound so weird being an american in australia saying it's i love your city melbourne you know and then i left australia and i was like oh yeah i was in melbourne and uh and people like melbourne And I'm like, you can't win. You can't win. You're right. You can't win. I want to win. I want to win so bad. I want you both to win. Thank you. You don't have to say it back.
Raise up lights. I don't want you to say it back. Anywho. Should we get to our question? Yeah, let's get to our question. Yeah, great. I'm a massive deep fan. We're all deep fans of this person. Yes, we are. Who isn't? Today's questioner is an actress, comedian, and writer who became one of the most beloved SNL cast members of all time over the course of her six years on the show. She won the Spirit Award for Best Supporting Actress for her role in Other People.
and has appeared in films including Happiness and Wet Hot American Summer, as well as TV shows like The Other Two, White Lotus. Molly Shannon is asking today's question. She's the best. I just... could go on about molly forever she is such an influence on my comedy i know because growing up like her cast like the will ferrell cast and sherry o'terry they were they were like
My people. Yeah, same. I thought they were the cast for me. And I have to say, one of my absolute favorite movies of all time is Happiness. Oh, really? One of my favorite movies of all time is Superstar. it's so good when she makes out with that tree and she's so committed to it and it's so embarrassing and she's just being like talking dirty to this tree and being like you're a bad boy it's so good
I lost my shit. I think I've told you all this before, but I have the absolute pleasure of living in the same neighborhood as Molly. And she rides her bike around the neighborhood. She is a fixture in. our neighborhood with her little bike and her basket. And it is such a treat to, um, to see her just peddling around just like the mayor of our neighborhood. Cause she's such a like.
present person you'll talk to her she's looking in the eyes and she's very passionate about talking to you and when I was in high school I would like have like little moments of being funny or like tried to be a performer. And for my senior year, we had like a talent show that you could sign up for. And I dressed up as Mary Catherine Gallagher.
And just basically did her sketch in the talent show. And that was like my first taste of performing. Were you wearing rollerblades? No blades. No rollerblades because I didn't want to fall. but I had the whole Catholic school girl outfit, the long wig. Oh my God. Did like the hands in the armpits and the smelling of them. And sometimes when I get nervous, I put my hands under my arms and then I smell them.
Do you remember when she is confessing to the priest in the confessional and he says, what are your sins or whatever? And she says, Father, I think my... Feelings would best be expressed in a monologue from a Sissy Spacek movie. And she does a dramatic monologue. That's so insane. Meredith Baxter Burney or something like that. Oh, God. Because she just commits so hard to these characters. Sally O'Malley, anytime a friend turns 50, I'm a...
So giddy to be like, I'm 50. 50 years old and I like to kick and stretch and kick because I'm 50. I feel like we've... We've found a way to say that on the pod a bunch of times. I don't know why. It's like one of our main quotes. But yeah, she's unbelievable. And I've seen her in social situations, but I've never, I don't think I've ever told her. just how much I love her. So maybe she'll listen to this one day. We love you, Molly. We love you.
Every single person alive loves Molly Shannon. End of story. End of story. Should we hear her question? Yes. Please. hello handsome podcast it's molly shannon and my question for all of you today is and it's a very serious question when you are leaving a party do you say goodbye on your way out or do you do the irish exit the quick say no goodbye exit that's my question all right that's a really good one an irish why do you think they call it an irish exit i don't know because they i've heard it
called a French exit as well. I've heard a few different exits. Yeah. Yeah. Maybe in Ireland, they're just never. They say top of the morning and they never say bottom of the night. Well, I will say they're probably too drunk. Are you allowed to make fun of them? Being drunk if you're not Irish? I don't know. Or are you Irish? I am Irish. Oh, I thought you were Italian. Irish-Italian. Are you only one thing? As an Irish person that doesn't ever leave parties drunk, I feel like my fellow Irish.
Irish folk maybe stumble out and they can't find anyone to say goodbye to. Saying goodbye, I don't know if this is at every party or if this is an L.A. thing. But it is a, it is like a 45 minute process. Yes. Yeah. It is so long and I will have to gear up for it. Like we went to a thing, we went to this charity event last night and I had to.
I had to say to Jax, all right, we need to go. Let's go say goodbye to Arnold. Let's go say goodbye to Heather. We got to say, like I'm doing an exit strategy of like, and it's still 45 minutes later, we're leaving. I do say goodbye. You do? I do. I do say goodbye when I leave and do my thank yous and everything. But that's kind of my favorite part. of being at a party is is being like okay it's time to leave let's go say goodbye because then
you have a mission and you don't get stuck talking to a weird person. You just like, you go in and you say goodbye, you talk to the host and the people that you know, and then you bolt. Cause if you're. in the middle of a party and you don't really know anybody or you don't, you know, some people, you know, you're just a sitting duck and I am not somebody that. needs to be babysat or talk to at a party or anything I like to sit and watch you know yeah I respect that a lot yeah and then
When it's time to go, I love to get up and beeline over and do my goodbyes. And that is the most fun. I'm an Irish Exeter in a big way. I think partly because I have no boundaries. So that's prime time when I'm saying goodbyes to just...
be making promises. I can't keep writing checks. I can't cash. I'm saying, Hey, it was so good to see you. So let's hang out tomorrow. And we're like, let's like, Oh, we got to do that thing, you know? And, and, and so I ended up just making all these promises. And then, so.
when I do an Irish exit, I really appreciate the friends in my life who, who give me grace. Like the other night I had, I hosted like a kind of cast gathering and I booked karaoke for an after party. I knew I wasn't going to go in my heart. It was like.
I was tired and everyone was like, okay, karaoke. And I was the one that organized it. And I went, yeah, yeah, I'm going to meet you guys there. I'm just going to go. And I knew, and my friend looked at me and was like, you're not coming, right? And I was like, no. And she said, I give you grace. She said, don't worry about it.
and she didn't you know what i mean and she let me do this my lie and say no i'm just stopping at home funny though was your friend jennifer lopez yeah yeah but has there ever been a part of you that as you've gotten older that where you're like maybe Maybe I should just not tell people I'm going to do the thing I know I'm not going to do. That's my lifelong journey for sure. For sure. Yeah.
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Because there'll be some .001% of me that's like, yeah, maybe I'll get a second win, but I know deep down I won't. But I always assume that you're always on your second and third win because don't you stay out all night and do... no no i i maybe when we started this pod i was doing that yeah i'm i'm working too much but maybe maybe i'm heading back into into a while are you a late night goose
Used to be. Yeah. I mean, I stay up late, but I'm usually just reading sad poems and things. Stay up late reading sad poems. Poems. Poems. Yeah, I'm definitely running on fumes, though. That's true. And you get those eight hours. Last night, I was too busy watching Josh Hart and I slept like five hours. My God, I would kill to sleep five hours. Really? Oh, my God. I'm going on like three. Seriously? Yes. From the night sweats, from the onesie. I'm full-blown menopause. I'm like...
Man, I'd give anything for five hours. Really? Oh, I love a good seven or eight hour night sleep. Listen, I would. What I would do for a seven, eight hour sleep. I've been getting seven or eight the last couple of weeks. And it's nice. That's really nice. Look at this face. You know, if you don't sleep for like. It's not long. Oh, sorry. I'm looking at that face. Go to YouTube right now if you want to see Fortune's face.
Thanks to Eight Hours Sleep and my Jennifer Lopez J-Lo beauty mask. Whoa. You are glowing, I will say. Thank you. Oh, my gosh. You know, one of our number one fans, Amanda Clue. Love Amanda. Love Amanda. She listens to this podcast religiously. Well, after we promoted Jennifer Lopez. J-Lo Beauty. JLo Beauty, she texted me and teased me about how much better I looked since I started using JLo. It's true.
Look at it. You are really glowing. I know I'm glowing because I've been using my JLo Beauty and sleeping. If you don't sleep for like... three or four days it's not even that long you die like it's crazy that we are designed that yeah like you it's wait it's gonna take you need more sleep i'm worried about you i will die I just want to let, we're all, we're all headed in that direction. How dare you? How dare you? How dare you? I'm getting, you know, three.
oh my god go to youtube go to youtube should we wear that at my funeral and because you're irish italian I'll sing. And French. Old daddy boy, the pipes, the pipes are calling. From glen to glen and down the mountainside. The show has come. and all the girls is falling turning in her grave it's you it's you it's you or me it doesn't matter it's me it's me it's us i must go and bide and i must bide i'll work on the lyrics before fortune um would you mind singing that to me to sleep
Singing back to me to sleep. Singing. Top of the morning, Toya. A little lullaby. I'm not just known for my Irish goodbyes. I'm also known for singing a little diddy at a funeral. Or also if you're having menopause and you need to. Just sleep. I feel like somehow I was going to say, you're not known for your Irish accent. fortune you're gonna find a way to sing at your own funeral somehow you're gonna
I'm gonna have a pre-recorded album that they're forced to play. Yeah. And everyone's gonna have to sit there and listen. Do you guys know my old roommate, Chris Fairbanks? Yes, I love Chris. Okay, he's one of the funniest people walking around this planet. When we first moved, we used to live in Venice.
together, Venice, California. And when we first moved into our house, we used to always talk to each other like, oh, he calls me Tiggity. And he's like, hey, hello, Tiggity. And I call him Chrisity. And when we first moved in, we were just walking around the house, getting things set up, cleaning. And talking to each other like that, like, and he takes some trash out and meets our neighbor and he's still talking like that. He's like, yeah, we just moved in here.
And the guy was like, where are you from? And Chris was like, oh, wow. Sorry, I'm actually from Montana. My roommate and I were just talking like we were from Ireland. Anyway. When did you guys live together? Was it when you first moved to LA? No, I, we were performing in Boise, Idaho, and he opened for me and we had so much fun. We were crying, laughing the whole weekend. And he was. going through a breakup and i had just rented this house and i said
If you don't have anywhere to go, you're welcome to move in with me. I didn't have an extra bedroom, but I had like this. Oh my God. I had this extra room. That just had a door that like slid closed. There was no closet in there or anything. So he was like, really? And I was like, yeah, because I just I was like, oh, my God, I love this guy. And we moved in. We lived together almost a decade.
No way. Yes. That's amazing. You knew right away when you met him. And you're good in a crisis. We know this. And he was going through a breakup. And you said, all right, move in with me. Yeah, I was like, hey. Because he just broke up with his girlfriend. And he was like in the middle. He was like really in flux. And I just thought, well, I love this guy. I lived with a boy for like eight years.
Fortune, tell us. Fortune Marie. Not romantically. Okay. Who was the boy? My friend Steve, shout out. I was in desperate need of a place to live my my first at the end of my first year in LA and he I had met him through he was working on the show that the lady i was working for was on and he had a north carolina chapel hill shirt on and i was like oh my god i'm from north carolina as if we're like all supposed to be friends yeah and i came on a little strong
And I think he thought I had a crush on him. So he was like kind of. You know when you think someone likes you and you don't like them, you don't want to do anything to give them the wrong impression? I said yes, but actually I can't relate because if anyone, if I think there's even a hint, I'm like...
on steam ahead yeah no matter who it is well i maybe i just like the yeah yeah i was gonna say attention and then i but he did he did not want that attention from me and i was desperate to make friends so i was like coming on very strong i knew as a friend he thought romantically and i was like You want to be friends? And he's like, ugh. And so I knew him in that way. But you weren't out yet, right? I wasn't out yet, no. But I knew I was not just like.
I knew I was not into him in that way. But I was desperate for friends because it was so hard to meet people out here. And then like six months into knowing him. That was back when there was the AOL chat rooms, you know? Yeah. And he put on his, like, away message that he needed a new roommate. And I desperately needed a place to live. I need a place to stay. I need a place to stay. So I wrote him like, I need a roommate. I need to move into somewhere. And he kind of was like, ugh.
okay oh my god like reluctant and then i ended up being his roommate for like almost a decade and the whole time you're trying to get with him the whole time a crawling into bed with him at night yeah so he you lived with him when you came out yeah yeah was he shocked that you didn't want a piece of that um I honestly don't know. I don't know that he was shocked, but he wasn't also like, it wasn't like on the nose for him.
And when you were living with him, were you flashing your sexy calves? No, your calves. Your sexy gams. Yeah. He saw my gams. He knew what I was working with.
with okay but immediately as i moved in he we he knew he saw right away there was no sexual anything ever right no chemistry nothing in that way at all and it was like high fives immediately and it yeah he's still one of my best friends oh when he moved out of la it was a sad sad day where'd he go i miss he moved to chicago first and then and he's in atlanta he has a
Family of three kids now, wife, kids, all the things. And is she jealous of you? Yeah. He's not allowed to talk to you anymore. He's jealous of me because I don't have kids.
But he's great. He's a super great guy. But yeah, so that was my... I had grown up with brothers, so I knew they were gross to live with. That's where I, you know... remembered living with steve that men somehow end up having their pubes everywhere um it just it doesn't matter they their pubes end up every literally everywhere and that's what you were dealing with yeah guys
Whatever male, no, the ladies know too that are listening right now who live with a man can attest that somehow their pubes end up everywhere.
You have to say that again and end it with, right, ladies? Am I right, ladies? Pews everywhere. It's wild how they can just manage to float to many places. I think I'm equally... bad not with pubes but like I cut I trim my hair a lot myself and I've had roommates be like there's tiny yellow hairs like all like you can never quite clean them all up by the sink and it's a real compulsion I can't stop like last night when we were painting the bears
I went up to pee and I just find myself holding the scissors, giving myself a haircut in the middle of hosting a party. And so wait, May, is your hair not brown anymore? Oh, no, it is. Yeah, it's brown, but it's still got a hint of blonde. Yeah, it's like a go to YouTube. I did find myself turning into a naggy wife living with a man. Oh, really? Yeah, which Jack deals with now with me. So it's all full circle.
Wait, you nag Jax? No, she nags me. Oh, yeah, I was going to say. When I was living with, because many of times Steve and I had another roommate, so I would live with two boys. So I was always like, guys, can you please? Take out the trash. It's literally overflowing. You became that character. I became that woman. Can you please? For the love of God. You're passing the mailbox. Can you just bring the mail in for once?
Can you clean up your pubes? Did I tell you guys about the guy, Mike, that I found on Craigslist to be my roommate? And he seemed like this quiet little nerd. He was younger than me. And I just desperately needed a roommate fast. This is not long ago. I was like 30.
in London and he moved in and right away I was like he's like he stayed in his room all the time and then after about a week he came home I hear all the doorbells in the whole apartment building basically buzzing and he's wasted and he comes in and he's like slurring and he starts being like,
um can i have a hug i just met him like a week ago and i was like no i'm good and he goes go stand in the corner oh no no i'm fine i was by myself so i was like oh this is bad so i'm texting my friend i start recording him and he's going like do you ever like bone your groupies and he's just being really gross and weird. And he keeps telling me to stand in the corner and hug him. So I went, I'm going to go to bed and I locked the door and, and then I hear him. This is not a fun story, is it?
Well, it depends on where it goes. Yeah, we don't know where the ending is. Well, I hear him smashing around. Anyway, so the next day I go out and I go, hey, Mike. Well, he stayed in his room for like 24 hours. Then he comes out. really hung over. And I was like, Hey, man, you were really creepy last night. He's like, Okay, so what not apologetic. And I went like, I feel like you got to move out like you were I have a recording because
in case you didn't remember, you kept telling me to stand in the corner and hug you and you were talking about your dick and it was weird. And he goes, okay, fine, I'll move out. I was like, okay. And then I said, well, I'll give you your deposit back. And he goes, I don't need your charity. And I was like, all right, well, and then this is the mistake I made. I said, I'm going on tour. So if you can just be out when I get back, be back in two weeks, I leave, I come back from tour. He, it is.
destroyed my house like my tv's broken there's no bottles there is poo smeared on the wall in the bathroom there's pee and pubes everywhere there's my tv broken and just like garbage that's been sitting in the sun in the apartment with no air conditioning like it was yeah and i never heard from i just changed the lock so i never saw him again i bet you're gonna hear from him now i hope he's listening he's like
Yeah. And wait, he was just randomly from online or? He was like 26 and seemed so, he was like, he was like five foot. four and like 100 pounds like this whole you know tech guy and uh He seemed like the least threatening guy ever. And then I think, yeah, he would have murdered me for sure. Yeah, they have a whole series called my worst roommate ever or something. Worst roommate ever. No, he probably was just going through something.
I had many a Craigslist roommates. It is wild to just have a stranger move in. It's wild, right? I haven't done that. It was very popular at one point. Yeah, I lived with a woman called Joanne who and and then I was the sketchy Craigslist roommate because I was like a sketchy teen and I lied about my age and I moved in. I knew I didn't have enough rent really. And but she was a nice lady and she was maybe in her 50s.
And she, when I would leave, she would, the house, she'd go, oh, you forgot something. And I'd be like, what? And she'd say, you haven't said goodbye to Elvis. And I had to say goodbye to the cat every time I left. Oh, I thought she was going to say your rent. Oh, yeah. You forgot something just to pay me any rent. And also can you pay me my rent? Yeah.
Well, I never answered Molly's question. To answer Molly's question, I'm not an Irish goodbye exeter because I feel too guilty. I feel like I need to properly say thank you. the host to tell my friends i'm i'm leaving that's why it's always a 45 minute process to me but we've mentioned her on this podcast before taking i have a mutual friend named allison dunbar
She is the queen of Irish exiters. And I didn't even know that term until her. And she would famously at every party just disappear. And I think once people expect it of you, no one gives a crap. Yeah. Yeah. Also, Alison Dunbar can do whatever she wants as far as I'm concerned. That's right. There's nobody funnier, cooler, smarter. And you just, Alison Dunbar does.
anything she wants oh my god imagine being that person yeah that sounds she didn't give a shit if you were to be like hey i'm offended that you left without saying goodbye she'd laugh in your face And you'd be like, all right. Let's hear what Molly has to say. Yes. And now my answer. I did an outfit change for the answer. So I prefer an Irish exit. I once had to go to a cast wrap party that I didn't really want to go to because it was at a club downtown and it was really loud.
but I felt like I should go. So I went in and there was like a dance circle and I made a big scene so that everybody could see me and there was like a dance off and I did a big like number in the middle of the circle and people were like, yay! and I zipped out and I was only there for probably 15 minutes at the party and I got into my car and I was like I was so excited and everybody thought the next day that I had stayed really late because they they all saw me I made a big
you know, to do, but then sneaked out. It was my perfect Irish exit. That's amazing. I just said, yeah, like she was talking to me directly. I was like, yeah, yeah, yeah. But that would seem like you were really there partying if you've made such a huge... scene like that yeah that's a good thing it's a good that's a good um plan if you don't want to go somewhere for a long time to like make your presence known pretty hardcore and then just dip out yeah
If you're going to commit a murder, that's a good thing too for your alibi. Like you go to a party. Didn't think about that. You're really present at the party and then everyone's going to think you were there. Yeah. Yeah. I would love to be at a party. Why did your brain go to that? Oh, sorry. Sorry. What an alibi. I was break dancing in the kitchen. I couldn't have done it. Didn't you see me there? I was there.
I really would love to be at a party where Molly Shannon instigates a dance circle and does a huge number. I would just be levitating with joy. Oh, yeah. She's... She is one of those people that you could watch her do anything and you'd be cracking up. Yes. She is a silly, silly bird. Let's have a party at some point and invite her.
Put it on the list. Put it on the list. Yeah. Just the four of us invite Molly Shannon over. Seriously. She's like, why is no one else here? Well, we know she doesn't like loud clubs. That's true. So maybe she'd like a quiet evening with four. A quiet evening in with Molly. With a grain bowl and triple dibbers. Yeah. Yeah. And what was my food? I like shrimp dumplings, but I'm embarrassed about it. That's all right. Don't be embarrassed. No. Be proud. Be out and proud about your dumplings.
Well, what an episode. I hope everybody votes today. Please. And tell your family. Tell your. Your neighbors. Your neighbor. Tell your nana. Share your same political views. Then don't remind them. But vote is very important. It is our basic civic duty. Yes. And many people fought for us to be able to vote. So go vote. Fortune speaking the truth. That's right. If you want merch, go to handsomepod.com because we have some great merch. Hoodie.
Keep a handsome hoodie. Yeah, go shirts. Never too late to wear that because everyone has ghosts in their house and you want to give them a shout out. Yeah. And it's also never too late to order my album. Hello again. Get that at tignotaro.com. I can still be seen very regularly at Comedy Bar in Toronto. I'm working out new material. And some nights it's real off the rails and loosey goosey. And, but the crowds have been so fun and nice and I've really been enjoying it. I am.
Well, when this comes out, I will be finally back in LA. I'm finally doing the loosey-goosey new material stuff. I'm at Largo December 15th and December 4th at Largo. So there's going to be really good special guests. stand-up and improv and music and stuff. Until next time. There you go. Let's keep it handsome.
Handsome is hosted by me, Mae Martin, Tig Notaro, and Fortune Feimster. The show is produced, recorded, and edited by Thomas Ouellette. Email us at handsomepod at gmail.com. And please follow us on social media at handsomepod. What a podcast! What a podcast! That was a HeadGum podcast. Handsomes, the audio version of my comedy special, Hello Again, is available everywhere, just in time for the holidays. Go to Tignotaro.com to get a copy for you and a loved one now.
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