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Chatting with friends on the handsome pod Chatting with friends on the handsome pod Cheers! Hi, it's your friend Tig Notaro And me, Mae Martin And me, Fortune Feimster. Right here on the Handsome Podcast. Still working the kinks out. We really nail our intros, I think. I know. It's really got worse. It's really devolved. We're too polite. Yeah. We're like, you go. We're like, no, you go. Yeah. Don't want to step on anything.
And then we just step all over everything. Yeah. Like, you know, that game where you have to each say, you have to count to 10 without saying it at a number at the same time. You got your eyes closed in a group. And so you're like. One. Two. I already messed up. No, that was it. Three. Why'd you mess up? I thought we were supposed to say it at the same time. No, you're...
You're out if you say it at the same time. So you close your eyes and you're trying to get to 10. Is this fun to listen to? Okay. Let's try it. Ready? One. Two. Three. Wait, what's happening? Five. Six. Seven. Oh, I fucked it. That's a fun game people can play at the family dinner table. I don't like games. You don't like a leisurely game of Monopoly? I mean, if I must.
I just really am not like going to game night and like all that kind of stuff. I'm like, Oh, I love a game night. Me too. I love a game night and I love a gay night. Gay games. Gay games. Have you guys, it's early this morning. Have you had breakfast? No, no breakfast, just coffee. It's lunchtime where I am. Oh, right. Of course. Of course. I went to a premiere last night.
Whoa. What was the premiere? I had a late night. What was it? The Bob Dylan movie. Oh, yeah. How was it? Really good. Really good. My FUBAR co-star, Monica Barbaro, she is in it. playing Joan Baez. Oh, my God. Whoa, imagine getting that part. Fuck. I know. A great part, and she killed it. She would come to set. She was filming both simultaneously at one point.
and would come to set with her guitar. She had to learn how to play like 11 songs and the guitar. She had to learn how to play the guitar for her? Yeah, she never played. Okay, if you guys were... Playing someone in a biopic, who would you want to play? All right, fine. Charlize. All right, fine. Everyone says I'm an old looking Jojo Siwa. Who is that? She's like a young pop star. Oh, you don't know who JoJo CY is? Like a young queer pop star. Yeah. She's out now? Yeah. That's so funny.
Early 20s, right, Mae? Yeah, she's young. 21, maybe. And you look like an old, what is her name? Jojo Siwa. Jojo Siwa. She's part of the culture. Yeah. She was the kid performer that wore the big bows. Wait, what do you mean she's part of the culture? Which culture? What culture? Just life? People talk about her a ton on TikTok and stuff.
Oh, okay. She was the kid performer that was huge who wore the big bows. She was from Dance Moms. Is that where she came from? Okay. Yeah. And then she made albums and stuff and then she came out and then... I guess doesn't. Now I don't think she does the big bow anymore. Doesn't do the big bow, but she does do like wild dance moves. Wait, she came out of the closet? Yeah. And her songs. Carmel's a bitch. I should have known better.
Okay, I see why people say that about you now. Yeah, you've got to do this biopic. She does a dance. It would be so funny if you did a biopic of a living pop star who is 21. But it'd be fun to do a biopic. Like what you expect is going to happen in the future. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Like that would be a fun movie to do. It's like you write where you think this person's life is headed and cast old fortune.
She's watching it. She's like, what? You think I'm going to work in a pet store eventually? I'm telling you guys, when my special came out, crashing it on Netflix. Sure. And I was doing on the press, like all the comments kept saying. This looks like JoJo Siwa or an old JoJo Siwa. I have to Siwa this person. Hello. You got a Siwa. Uh-huh. I would want to play.
i mean i want to play like river phoenix or something but who would i be good at playing probably like judy dench or something like i'd like you'd be good at playing judy let's hear it i'm i can sort of imagine yeah so it starts with i'm like judy and her late 30s and pottering around england maybe i'm doing a play or something and then i hit it big and and i'm sort of quivering with like smoking a cigarette with a quivering hand and kind of being like well darling we must get the scripts
Or else I can't do it. She can't do a movie without a script, famously. I love that. And then what is your River Phoenix, just in case? It's sort of, you know, like how I am now. No, it's sort of like I would just do the monologue from Stand By Me. He's like, yeah, I took the milk money. You knew I took it. Hell, even Vern knew I took it. I could see that as well. Even Vern knew.
Even Vern. Who would you play, Tig? Tom Cruise. Bob Dylan, I was going to say, but I think you could do a cool Dylan. You know who I used to get told that I looked like was Ally Sheedy. Remember her? Yeah. Is she Breakfast Club? Yeah, she's in Breakfast Club. Oh, maybe I'd be Chrissy Hynde from The Pretenders. Oh, that would be electric. Mm-hmm. Yeah. Woogie, woogie, woogie, woogie. And would you do the songs? Would you sing?
Or would you lip sync? I'd have to lip sync. I don't know if you saw me sing Adele's Hello. But yeah, no, I wouldn't sing. But I would play guitar. I know how to play guitar. Yeah. Oh, that's good. And I know Chrissy Hines moves. Hey. Go to YouTube. Go to YouTube. Go to YouTube. I'm doing Chrissy Hines. Yeah, Tom Cruise or Chrissy Hine. Yeah. But I don't think I can do the action and...
whatever kind of risky stuff that Tom Cruise. Risky business. You know, I have a couple of motorcycles in real life, but I'm not going to drive them off a cliff. Sorry, wait. You currently now have a couple of motorcycles? Yeah, I have a couple of vintage motorcycles that I'm actually going to sell. I'll take them off your hands. Do you ride? No, but I would learn. And to ride a hog that you once rode.
Not only is it a hog I once rode, but you know who owned it two people before me was the guitarist of Def Leppard, Phil Collin. What? The blonde-haired, short blonde-haired guitar player. Wait, not so we can choose a Phil Collins? Yeah, Phil Collins, the lead singer, drummer of Genesis. Completely different person. Phil Collins is the... one of the previous owners that's amazing and i have two two cb honda cb 350s they're so adorable
One is from 1969. One is from 1970. And one is gold. And I call that one Goldie Honda. Oh, my God. And then the blue one, it's teal colored blue. I call, do you want to guess? Um, wait. Blue Honda. There's Goldie Honda and. Oh, Kurt. Kurt Russell is my other one. Oh, so it's not a pun on blue. It's just Kurt Russell. No, it's just Kurt Russell is the other one. That's so good. So if anyone's interested in buying Goldie Honda and Kurt Russell, I will sign it.
can come pick it up that's so funny the gayest conversation we've ever had is it really yeah even when i talked about how hot pit bull was That was pretty gay. That was the least gay we've ever been. Yeah, you talking about your motorcycles, your dyke days. Yeah. I'd be nervous to.
Well, yeah, I can't even drive a car, but I'd be nervous on a motorcycle for sure. Please don't ride motorcycles in LA. They're so dangerous. So dangerous, right? A big gust of wind. I'm fluttering away. Or just a giant car with a... Someone on their phone. Yeah. I stopped writing. I stopped writing after I got sick in 2012 because I was like, oh, boy, I don't want to push my luck in any direction here. So I stopped writing. And then you're.
Yeah. No, thanks. So I just, I have those bikes that I'm going to clean up and get rid of. I rented a scooter once and. Switzerland. And what was its name? I didn't come up with a name for it, but I was zipping around that place on this little scooter. I thought I was so cool. It is a really liberating feeling. My friend rented one.
in nepal and we drove around and i'm sure i was close to death so many times but it was jacks had a scooter in chicago when i met her really that's a cool image and so for our first year together Some might see us bopping around the city, me riding bitch. Riding bitch? I've never heard that. You were riding bitch? You've never heard riding bitch? I've never heard riding bitch. Two against one. I was riding bitch behind Jake's. You were riding bitch. I was holding on for dear life.
wow was she good or was she like she was great okay she's got those long legs and so she kept kept it steady and well that's her personality she you know keeping it steady she's a steady person and then We would go out. It was fun, but like Chicago's dangerous too. Yeah. We would ride it during the day and it would be gorgeous. And then we'd stay out too late and it'd be nighttime.
And then it was freezing. And so they were riding home like shaking. And did she give you her coat? No. I've never been colder in my life than on the back of that scooter. Would you guys... date uh i'm just picturing because i was picturing you guys on the scooter and kind of the shape of it and then i was thinking would you date a centaur where it was like
she's the top half of her all woman and you're in love with her you it's it's Jax and Stephanie like you love them but their bottom half their bottom half is horse just don't look down That would be hard, but it's still them. I can say for sure I would not. Oh, really? I mean, there's no, like, there's no, like, oh, let me see. Till horse do us part.
You're going to have horseshit all around the house, you know? How are they going to get in bed? Yeah. How are they going to put pants on? I mean, oh, I know how you can get them in bed. You just go. Yeah. It feels like at that point, Jax and Stephanie should be together because they're both centaurs. Yeah, exactly. Yeah. So it's two against one. Femme on femme centaurs. I'm like pretty into it, I think. You are? Really? Yeah, like the power, like horsepower, right?
Those rippling muscles? Oh. Yeah, I guess if that's what you're interested, if you're looking for that, this would be a real dreamy situation. I didn't know I was looking for that. Is it Jax and Stephanie? Or someone else. Yeah. Have you been fantasizing about our wives? As centaurs? Because that's fine. I mean, yeah. Or even not, you know. Because we've divorced them at this point, so I guess it's fine. Yeah. I let them off to pasture. Like whoever wants this.
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Go to YouTube and see on my face. I've never seen your face look more blank. Okay, this is true. I mean, don't Google it, but... because i haven't done in-depth research into it but i've from multiple sources may fact yeah yeah so when they were making the wizard of oz they couldn't find a coat for the wizard
And the costume department was like, we got to find the perfect coat for the wizard himself in Oz, like a shabby but elegant, long, dark green coat. And they're looking everywhere like it has to be perfect. They went to Chicago and New York and met with designers and they just couldn't find one. Then they were getting on the train to go back to LA and they go, they stop in this vintage shop while they're waiting for the train.
And they find the perfect coat. It's the coat that you see in the movie. It's like dark green, long, perfect coat. They love it. They bring it to the actor, Frank Morgan, who's playing the wizard. And you don't know if this is true. This detailed story. I've seen multiple articles. So that's what I'm going with. I don't want to know if it's debunked. You know what I mean? But multiple sources.
So he puts it on and he's like, I love it. It fits him perfectly. But he's like, it is hot and I'm sweating a lot. And they're like, OK, well, we'll take the lining out. They go to take the lining out and there's a name badge sewn into it. And the name is? Dorothy. Frank L. Baum, the writer of the books. The writer. The writer of Wizard of Oz. And they contact his widow and they say, we found this coat. Did this belong to Frank Baum? She's like.
Yes, she has photographs of him wearing it. And that's the coat that they wear in the movie. No way. That's so, that is insane if that is true. It's even insane if it's not true. Yeah, it's more insane if it's not true because somebody. But it's more crazy if it is true. I know. That's where the name Alphaba came from for Wicked. What do you mean? Frank L. Baum.
It was the closest thing he could get. The person who wrote Wicked. Yeah. It said it was like the closest he could get to sound like Frank L. Baum Alphaba. I had a really interesting. crazy thing happen. Tell me this was years ago. And before I tell this story, I need both of you to not doubt. this because I'm 1 million percent positive this is correct I don't doubt anything ever that's why I live in this magical world okay
When I was in high school, my mother got me some hiking boots. The company was called High Tech. And they were purple. Okay. Not my favorite color, but whatever. I wore them. I had them for years. And even though I didn't love the color, they grew on me. I wore them forever. So the. The sole of the shoe, the rubber starts to peel apart from one of my high tech hiking boots to where when I walked with it, it flip flopped. And, you know, yeah. And so I was like.
I think it's time to get rid of these. So something I often do with clothes, instead of donating to like Goodwill, I'll go to like a closed dumpster or something and put it on top of the dumpster around the dumpster, just, you know, for people to take. Okay. I did that. I put my high tech shoes on a dumpster. You're like, somebody's going to want this floppy boot. A couple of years later, I am walking. May. I'm walking down Sunset Boulevard. Yeah. And.
A woman pushing a grocery cart down Sunset Boulevard, who I believe was, you know, unhoused, was wearing purple high-tech. hiking boots with one shoe with a sole that was flopping as she walked. And I was like, Oh my God. there are my high-tech hiking boots from high school. I believe it 100%. I've told people that story and they're like, I doubt those were your high-tech. And I'm like, those were my shoes. What if those shoes all came loose? So anyone who has a pair has one floppy shoe.
No, you know your shoes. People, you know your shoes. It was such a specific look, these hiking. And they were so from, you know, the, I don't know if it was late 80s, you know? Yeah. I'm telling you, these were my shoes. Were you tempted to be like, hey, where'd you get those? No, I was not. Because I'm certain that... Maybe she didn't even get them from the dumpster that I left him at. Maybe they were somewhere else, but I probably should have now that I'm telling a story.
I should have probably glued them before I donated them on top of a dumpster, but I didn't. Okay. I'm a terrible person. But, but that was a crazy, like, wow. It was one of the wildest things. I love that. Seeing that all those years later. I once did a sketch at the Groundlings where I played a Girl Scout. Did I tell you the story about Kristen Wiig? No, I don't think so.
Well, of course I was playing a Girl Scout. Shout out Girl Scouts. Oh boy. You know, those were my glory days. Yes. And I played a Girl Scout who was getting interrogated because she ate all the cookies. I'm in. I will watch an hour of that. And I had chocolate all over my face saying, I didn't eat the cookies. Who ate the cookies? And Kristen.
Kristen Wiig was in the audience and afterwards she said, I couldn't pay attention at all during that sketch because you were using my childhood book bag or whatever you call it. satchel you know what i'm talking about yeah yeah yeah so she had cleaned out her closet when she was in the groundlings and just threw a bunch of stuff in the attic oh in case anybody needed them but for years like
It was like a mess and no one knew what anything was. And I was broke. So I went up there to scour through all the stuff for sketches. for costumes and stuff and just grabbed a book bag at one point. That's crazy. And it was her childhood book bag that she'd used from like five years old till high school. Five years old till high school?
Yeah, she said she used to like her whole childhood. Oh my God. And then tossed it in there and I'm... in the sketch and she's like staring at her old book bag this kind of thing like did you see there was a thing online that um they found behind a locker in a high school a purse belonging to a student from the 1950s and they opened it up and all her stuff was in there and it was all like
a pen a ticket to the mardi gras or like like it was 1950s stuff not that was a bad example but you know what i mean a ticket to the mardi gras in the 50s a pen and a ticket to the mardi gras I do love the idea of like a time capsule. No one does that anymore. I just, for my own life, I have an ongoing time capsule. But do you bury it in your backyard?
No, I have it in my garage and it's something I go through regularly. And then I get rid of some things that I don't feel attached to. Connected to. Yeah. And when I pack my time capsule. anything that's in there, I feel attached to in my past. And then each time I go through it, I'm less attached to certain things and we'll get rid of them.
I have a time capsule. It's not buried, but it is in my... I can't believe you have one. That's pretty cool. Is it like a scrapbook? Like you're gluing stuff in? No, it's like a... And, um, yeah. So anyway, do you have any old Pontes in there? It's only old Pontes. It's just all ponty bonnets. I don't feel as attached to these ponty's anymore. You measure out your life according to your ponty's. What would our handsome time capsule be?
Well, Girl Scout cookies. Someone told me last night at the premiere that being a pineapple apart lives rent-free in their head. Oh, that's great. We'd have to have a pineapple. That's very perishable, though. It might rot. So far, this is all perishable food. Propeller hat. Propeller hat. Propeller hat. Some of our merch, probably. Yeah, it's just our merch. Our handsome hoodie and our little cowboy hat.
A cowboy hat, a propeller hat, ponties. Lots of ponties. Fortune's Girl Scout uniform. I actually think I still have the sash. Do you really? Yeah, come on. Can we put one of Fortune's plastic plants in? This guy's ready to go. How many plastic plants do you have? Two. Guys, I've been trying to hide my accent all this time. It just slipped out. I have to. I have to. Plants. I don't know why it came out like that. This one here. Oh no, three. We have three. Three. Plants.
Pink plant, pink plant. And they all look great. Yes, yes. How boring would my background be right now if I didn't have this fake paddle plant? Oh, you know what we should also put in our time capsule is a ghost. Oh, yeah, ghost. Yeah, ghost. Yeah, ghost. Do you guys want to pull a tarot card? Yeah, please.
I bought this little deck. Yeah, ghost. Yeah, ghost. I bought this deck and I said to myself when I bought it, wouldn't it be cool if I had this till I died? Like, I don't treat my belongings very well. And I thought I'm going to be buried with this. Deck of tarot cards. It's going to be like Kristen Wiig's backpack. Yeah. Okay. What question should we ask the deck? I want to know. Will we go past April?
Yeah. Are we going to make it past April? Is this a group question or is this our own? Oh, we could do singles. Do you have something on your mind? I do. I want to know, am I going to be based in Los Angeles or Toronto next year? You mean this year, 2025? 2025. Wow. Okay. Okay, you tell me when because I'm sort of ruffling around. I'm tired of you being in Toronto. Fortune's sick of it. Okay, now. Oh, love it. Okay.
I'm running it to your wife at events by herself. Wow. It's the major, major arcana. It's the magician. And I don't know if any of our listeners really know. like anything tarot anything we know anything please because okay i'm googling the magician because i lost the little book that says no you need the book the book's important i think it's in the other room
Wait, I want my money back. It's another room. I don't want to get up and get it. You pull a card and Google? It feels less magical when Google's involved. Yeah, it's like I could Google, am I going to be in Toronto or LA next year? I need a...
leather bound book telling me this okay the magician power influence willpower resourcefulness skill ability logic intellect concentration and psychic powers you're this is a very strong card tig but in terms of travel not travel will i be based here i don't know where you'll be you'll be powerful Okay. We have more questions than we started with. And I'm really Googling hard here. No, I can tell. Look at your face. I have truly never seen somebody Google that hard. In public, especially.
I know, in public. I'm just publicly Googling. Go to YouTube if you want to see what May looks like. Googling really hard in public. I mean, it's uncomfortable, to be honest. I just love the enthusiasm. I was like, this card. Oh, my God. Is this a good card? And then we're like, what is it? It says you. Okay.
You might feel unsure about what to do, but in simple words, the magician card is like a magic wand. It can mean making your dreams come true, healing in your life, thinking about spiritual things and feeling a connection to something special.
In love, it's about turning your romantic wishes into reality. It's kind of saying you can do whatever you want. You can do what you want. Yeah. Great. There we go. All right. That's all I need to hear. I can do whatever I want. You can do what you want, Teg. You're the boss of you. Okay. Thank you. Fortune, you want to do a quick one? Jax is the boss of you. She's the boss. She's the boss. Sure. That one was very successful. Let's continue. Oh, man.
All right. And pull. Oh, wait. What did you ask it? Or you don't have to tell us. Oh, yeah. I didn't think a question was important. Just pull. Does anyone have a question for me? What will you? Will fortune be treading? Tree treading water? Just in general? Will it be a year of good health? Okay. You tell me when. Now. The sun. Oh, this is a very auspicious card. This is a very important auspicious card. Okay. Because I'm outside treading.
i just have to google it the sun i'm really okay i love the idea of some kind of psychic doing this for people and just saying okay let me google this No, this is really direct. When it comes to health, the sun card is a positive sign. It represents energy, balance, and overall well-being. If you've been unwell, this card suggests a speedy recovery and feeling better than before. It also indicates personal growth and development.
This feels like it fits. That card feels like it fits. Tig was like, I don't really know what Tig's card was doing, but mine seems like it's on track. It's right in the pocket. I think Tig's card was actually very on point because it was being like. You are thinking about this the wrong way. You're thinking like, what will happen to me? And it's actually in your hands. You have the power. There you go, Mae. Way to turn the beat around. Turn the beat around.
Can you read for yourself? Real quick, if everyone's still into it, I can. Everyone is literally on the edge of their seats. Okay, I'm asking it. I want to ask it about love. That's all I really care about. 2025, right? Yeah, 2025. All I care about in my life is love. And it's a problem. And what are you asking specifically? Because when you set intentions, they have to be specific. I'm asking for a card that will show me.
my best approach, like what's, what will yield the best outcome for me in terms of that area of my life? Like how should I approach it? Okay. Ready? Okay. There you go. Drum roll. What is it? The Ace of Wands. A very auspicious card. Another auspicious card. What does this mean? Okay, the Ace of... We can cut out the Googling, right? The Ace of Wands. Cut out the Googling. Then what are we even doing? Handsome is sponsored by Haya Children's Vitamins.
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The Ace of Wands can represent creativity, excitement, adventure, courage, and personal power. Ace of Wands feels positive. Well, thank you guys for indulging. I think we should probably get to our question, right? Yes, please. Today's questioner is a Grammy and Oscar winning musician whose albums include Never Enough, Yes I Am,
And most recently, a collaborative release with Jewel. She's also known for her activism for gay and environmental issues throughout her career. Melissa Etheridge is asking today's question. Huge for the pod. Huge. Huge for the world. When we asked for a question, did we say, come to my window. Come inside. Wait by the light of the moon.
Oh my God. Was that, that was beautiful fortune. I think that on this podcast, I was talking about like, what a. On a previous episode, I think it was this show, I was talking about like, what a major baller move to just be like, come to my window. Yeah. Wait by the light of the moon. I'll be home soon. Just come sit and hang out by my window. Okay. I think you talked about that at a live episode. Okay. Well, here I think about it all the time.
I'm like, man, Melissa Etheridge is like, I don't know when I'm going to be home. She seems very confident to me. Oh, for sure. Oh, she's also got that, I'm the only one. That's pretty confident being like, I'm the only one. yeah yeah you can do you can do whoever you want but but no one's gonna sit by my window yeah yeah i have no idea when i'm kind of when i'm gonna be home i don't know imagine i'm out
I'm out for the night. Can you imagine Melissa all, I mean, lesbian rock star selling out those big old venues. The lesbians must have been just throwing themselves at her. You know, I went to see Melissa Etheridge when I first moved to Denver when I was 19. I went to Red Rocks. Whoa, that's cool. Yeah, and I had no friends. And I just went by myself to see her and it was so incredible. It was so incredible. Did she rock hard? What year was that?
1990. Just all the dykes just rolling down the hill trying to get in her poncies. I was never into Melissa in that way. but as far as like rock star man she is such a crowd pleaser like yeah when she her concerts you gotta go yeah she like whips her hair around Oh yeah, didn't she have that hit song, I Whip My Hair Around? You're thinking of Willow Smith. And she was like out and proud in a time where it was very dicey to be so and she didn't give a...
F. Well, I think that's when her Yes I Am album came out was when she was coming out. Yeah. I didn't know that. She had an album called Yes I Am. Yeah, I mentioned it in the intro, May. Oh, sorry. Sorry, sorry. 1993 is when Yes, I Am came out. What about us? Yes, truly. Melissa has to ask us. Hey there, friends. Melissa here. My question for you all is, what is your go-to making love song? What's your favorite song that you know is going to...
Get it on, that you, your partner, you're there, you're going to do it, right? What would that be? Does not have to be one of my songs, but what is that song? I don't know. I knew Melissa was going to get sexy right away. Like, what song? You're making love, too. Do you guys put on music when you get down? Yeah, I'm a little tuned.
You put on a playlist? Otherwise it gets real quiet. What is the tune? Fortune? When you drop the needle on the record? Are you okay? Is everything good? Wait, what? That's the song you put on? Yeah, tap. Hello? Sound check. Hello? Three, two, one. I'll tell you what I think is by far the... hottest, sexiest music ever, aside from all of Melissa Etheridge's music. Uh-huh.
And I can never remember if I'm saying this person's name right or wrong, but Sade, Sade, you know, I mean, there is. You don't know Sade? No. Oh my, May, you're going to get pregnant if you hear. Okay, but even if I'm going to get horny and pregnant if I listen to Smooth Operator by Sade. Not just that song. Oh, my God. Go through the catalog and see if you don't get pregnant. Just listening. Shonday's voice is smooth. Yes. This is crazy.
Wait, are you doubting that that's... I'm doubting. To me, that's like elevator music. Okay, I'm not talking about Smooth Operator. There are other tunes of hers. I'm going to try hottest. I don't think you are. I don't think you say that you're going to do these things. Did you ever watch Chris Fairbanks video? No, I never did. I don't think I ever said I was going to, though.
Yeah. Yeah. You're better at not over promising. I'm like, yeah, you over promise and under. I'm going to check in periodically to see who has watched Chris Fairbanks cocktail video. I find like if a song has too much of a mood or too many lyrics, it'll get in my head or it'll be distracting. But I have once hooked up with someone who...
Okay, we were in the living room and she goes, can we lie in your bed and pretend we're in a movie? And I went, well, what does that entail? And we go to my bed and she puts on her own band's music. It's like her voice singing. So I guess we're in her music video, basically. And then had sex listening to her. You can't promote yourself during... Love making. I put my comedy albums on. You know what sexy song I like jacks to listen to? What? Get the mood going. Jamaica. Bahama. Stop it. Stop it.
When she hears that song, she knows. We'll take it slow. That's where we wanna go. Get over here. And I'm like. Jax, I'm not a piece of meat. I need to go back to May saying that if there's too many lyrics in a song. They get distracted. Yeah. And yet to be in a bed with 43 people and not be distracted. I just find too many lyrics in. I think it's in a song. Whoa, what's going on? I'm distracted. But like full blown orgy. No problem. The music really dictates.
the mood for me so it can be too like like if it's a playlist of random songs it's like you know one minute it's like prodigies playing or something and then and then so the sex is really prodigy style really really dark and crazy then elliot smith comes on the playlist i'm like okay now we're crying and can i like you know what i mean it's too much yeah it's like what so do you have a go-to song may
Or so, do you have a go-to song when you have a lot of bed visitors? Like, what do you put on when you have... I think that's just like a Spotify list, right? For an orgy. But I feel like Mae has a curated list for 101. Can we start calling it a pile-up?
A pylon. Just to clarify, I'm not having orgies every week, but the thing that I keep going back to is... frank ocean blonde that album but now it's at a point where i've i've played it too much in those types of scenarios so now it's almost like it makes me sort of go on autopilot or detach because i'm like oh now it's the sex album now you know what i mean okay so i gotta find i gotta mix it up but that's a really sexy album
It opens with Nike. Is it? I gotta listen to it. Oh my god, it's so good. Also, okay, this is gonna sound crazy, but Zayn Malik from One Direction, his solo album, his first solo album, that's a hot album. It's sexy. Yeah. Sexier than smooth operator. Oh, my God. I want to make love in this club. In this club. I mean, you are a human jukebox. Do you ever sing during sex? Me? Yeah. Oh, no, I'm winded. I need all my lung capacity. I can't believe you're doing all that. Singing, dancing.
Fortune has a top hat on. I'm putting on a show to distract. I think I usually do just go to Spotify or something. Yeah. And put like sexy songs. Yeah, yeah. But I haven't splurged for the non-ads. Yeah. But at some point it is. wait so you've got the mood going and then simply safe yeah yeah that's really funny you're in good hands with fortune i i feel like i have had my my own stand-up come on shuffle like when I had my old computer like in the early 2000s and you just have like your
I don't know. I feel like I have had all the stuff saved. It's on shuffle. Yes. And it'll come on and you're like, oh. And then like a weird voice note. Don't forget to pick up bread and milk at the store. Yeah. Oh, my God. I one time, do you know, you can tell your Alexa to make a to do list and you can just add to it anytime. Like you go, oh, Alexa, add to my to do list. Like, yeah, buy eggs or whatever. So as a joke, my friend said.
I won't say the names, but my friend was dating someone called, let's say, Catherine, who we all did not like because she was really mean to him. And so we were talking about about this. The guy dating Catherine wasn't there. And we said, as a joke, Alexa, add to the list, pick up eggs and Catherine's head on a platter or something like that. Later, I was with my friend and I forgot. And I went, Alexa, play my to-do list.
And it said, like, buy eggs. And then it said Catherine's head on a platter. His girlfriend. No. Yeah. She was right there. No, she was not there. But the guy dating her was there. He's like, hey, Jesus. Yeah. And I was like, no, I love eggs. I was like, I love Catherine. Do you guys know that I know how to two step? You know how to two step? And two step is like.
ballroom country dancing the country dance yeah when how does this fit into the conversation so there's a version of a two-step where you're behind the person yeah dancing and that that's pretty sexy Really? And a song will come on like, maybe lock the doors and turn the lights down low. We ain't got no other place to go. There's something, something on the radio. And you're dancing behind. I don't know. I got pretty sexy during that song.
I think two-stepping's pretty cool. I used to do it on the reg when Oil Can Harry's was in L.A. Now there's nowhere, so. I thought there was a. Jackson, experience, sexy, two-stepping fortune. Isn't there like a line dancing? thing in la going on there's like a weekly queer line dance is there yeah oh yeah didn't line dancing get popular it came it came back why but now it's like ed sheeran what do you mean came back when was line dancing
Like, taken the world by strength. In the 2000s, 2008 era? It was? Was it really? 27 was hot, baby. No, line dancing. I mean, sorry, line dancing was hot, too. Wow. Because I think that was like Brokeback Mountain Days. Oh, right. And that put it in there. It was very popular. It's coming back on the TikTok. But now it's to like Ed Sheeran songs like. I would love to hear what Melissa says because I feel like she probably got sexy a lot.
Don't you think? I know one of her. I think I know two of her ex-girlfriends. You're a lesbian rock star? Yeah. In those times? Mm-hmm. Like. And even now, but she's married now. I'm just talking about single days. Yeah. I mean, we're just rolling in that. Fortune Marie. Fortune Marie. That is our elder lesbian icon you're talking about. Melissa would love me saying that.
Okay. Would her wife appreciate? Her wife probably doesn't even know that Melissa even dated before they got together. Okay. Let's hear what Melissa had to say. So my go-to song. I'm a big Sade gal. Pretty much any Sade song can do for me. But Sade, No Ordinary Love. Oh, my God. The best song, Melissa. That's go time. Yes. Sade. No ordinary love. This is insane. Peace out, guys. Love you. Oh, my God. That is hilarious. That's so funny. Oh, my God.
I think that was Melissa signaling to me that it's go time. Wow. That's crazy. Okay. Now I'm really committed to starting to... You have to listen to Ordinary Love, like she mentioned. That song is so incredible. It's stupid. I'll put it on the next time I sadly masturbate. Oh my God. Fortune Marie. Tell me. I didn't say. I know, but you should not allow such things out of that little cowboy's mouth. Wow. Wow. Wow. Sadly, Master. Do you do that often? Yeah, I do.
Okay. Have a good boo-hoo. A good boo-hoo. Boo-hoo and a woo-woo and a ha-ha and a hey-hey. Yeah, well. Okay, I will, though, get into... That singer. And yeah, I don't know how to pronounce it, but I'm going to get into it. Is it Sade? Or Sade. Some people throw an R in there. Oh, really? Is it an R? I don't know. I talked. Yeah, we talked about this on my old podcast. Oh, really? Yeah. If you threw an extra R into all of our names, it would be Trig, Frorchun. Frorchun.
And Mare. And Mare. These are the kinds of things I bring to the pod, you know. And they're delightful. And we appreciate it. And we need it. Well, this was, as always, a delight. So nice to hear from our dear friend, Melissa Etheridge. Yes, an honor. Thank you for paving the way for us gays. Yes. Opening all those doors and being brave in a time when it was really hard to be out. Yes. Opening doors and demanding women. Wait at your window. Sit at your window and wait. Come to my window.
Come inside. That's the Bob Dylan version. I bet Melissa had a ton of women waiting by her window. Yeah. And she'd just have to. Yeah. And they're like, what are you doing here? Yeah. What do you mean? What are you doing here? She told me to come wait by her window. And she rolls up in a leather jacket. Yeah. Listening to Sade.
And they're like, hello. I want to mention the documentary, Come See Me in the Good Light, the Andrea Gibson documentary that is at Sundance this year. Amazing. It is a real. real mind-bendingly incredible documentary. I cannot wait to see it. It's really, there's really one moment in that movie, a scene that makes me laugh. so hard and then one second later the most devastating thing oh god in the world it is it's
Whether TV, film, or in-person experience, one of the greatest things I've ever seen in my life. That's amazing. I will be watching that, my friend. Yes, everyone, please check it out. You can watch my special Crushing It on Netflix. It's there. I would love for people to keep watching it. I'm working out new material in Pasadena this weekend at the Ice House.
I see a little peek behind the curtain and then Ontario and Oxnard, California, working out material there and Irvine, California. And then my big tour kicks off in Savannah, Georgia. Um, so get, uh, tickets for my new tour at my website. Love it. I'm working out new material too, uh, whether in Toronto or Los Angeles, check my website, tignotaro.com.
I also have a special that came out a while ago called Hello Again. And it's also on, you can get the audio version out there too. I'm at Largo periodically. I'm also... gearing up to do some music shows around. They're going to be announced soon. Share an episode with friends and family. Help us build the community so this show can stay on the air. Are we on the air? Get your handsome hoodies and sweatpants. Absolutely. It's cold out there.
Baby, it is cold outside. Go handsomepod.com for all your merch needs. When you're sitting at Melissa Etheridge's window waiting for her, you need a hoodie. You're going to need some layers. Yeah, you are going to need some layers. Until next time, shall we keep it handsome?
Handsome is hosted by me, Mae Martin, Tig Notaro, and Fortune Feimster. The show is produced, recorded, and edited by Thomas Ouellette. Email us at handsomepod at gmail.com and please follow us on social media at handsomepod. That was a hate gun podcast. Some people just know they could save hundreds on car insurance by checking Allstate first.
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