Lukas Gage asks about cringeworthy moments

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Welcome to the Handsome Pod. I'm Mae Martin, joined by... Fortune Feimster. And Tig Notaro. Woo! Woo! Guys! Fortune. We need some information about your home. Oh, wow. We're just really getting to it. I need information. Well, because we did a mini-sode when we were going to be doing a... I'm sorry, a mini-sode? Oh, sorry. That's from another podcast, I think.

What do we call them? Our Pretty Little Episodes. Yeah. We were supposed to do a full one. Yeah, but we did a miniature one. Because your internet wasn't up yet, but we were... it came on at 10 30 yeah that's what we were wondering whether uh yeah yeah that's what that's internet o'clock so uh so how yeah how was the move tell us everything girl um well yeah so i i got a a new home um that i am moving into currently

uh it all happened very quickly i um when we had looked for the last house that we were in and we looked for like two years la's market is just bananas um and i I had just kind of gotten to the point where I just felt like the house was too big for just me, you know, like it's a lovely home and it's. But it's like for a family, you know? It was even too big for when Jax and I were in there together.

may would be happy to move in you do know that i mean come on you got i know you got that pac-man machine that's right well it's kind of it's come with um okay yeah i just was like coming home from the road and I was just like, I just, this is like cavernous. I don't feel at home. Yeah. And I just like casually texted a real estate friend. And I said, hey, I want to just kind of start casually looking.

Yeah, nothing serious, but if you see anything cool, just send it my way. And I wrote her because there was a house in my neighborhood I was curious about. I didn't think it was right, but I was like, I just want to check it out just to kind of see what's out there. And she goes, Yeah, sure. And then and then here are like five other places. And one of them I was like, oh, this one's cool. It reminded me of my.

first house I bought out here yeah I remember you saying you loved that I love that house yeah but this one was a little bit bigger but one story and just cozy and yeah with a more space and I was like this one was cool and I saw it two days later and I was like, yep. Oh my God. I really admire that. Literally went that fast. Wow. I really do. That's one of my favorite qualities in a person is like.

just pulling the trigger you know just make the make the also spiritually like a fresh start like that yeah like there's yeah just make some new memories in a new space i think so i just I just wanted something that was smaller, and I just, I knew I could, like, being by myself, just knew where...

everything was in like in the house side of not upstairs not being able to hear downstairs wait so you didn't hadn't you hadn't gotten uh your bearings in your old house to know your way around no i mean where everything was i mean as far as like if I'm upstairs and someone broke in or something. I can't hear it. I don't know. Just the safety of it, I think, was more of it for me. And to maintain it.

Yeah. I mean, this old house had like a gazillion bathrooms. Like I don't, I don't want to have to. deal with all that right um so you're a one toilet kind of gal one maybe two toilet kind of gal um and so yeah i just you know walked into it and just had the vibe where it again, reminded me of my old house that I really loved.

I was like, this is it. And are you getting some good bites on the other house to sell? We're going to put it up for sale at some point, but that hasn't happened yet. But yeah, so I moved. This last week, that's why I missed our recording because the move ended up taking six hours. I thought it would take like three or four. And, you know, it's...

Still kind of bare bones. I only moved some furniture, but I'll just be a little bachelor with some sparse furniture for a little bit. That's fun, though. I'm excited for you. I'm so excited.

I think the question on all of our minds is, did you bring the plastic plant? The plastic plant has made its way. Okay, great. Of course. You're not there now. You're not podcasting from the new place. I'm on the road right now. Yeah, so I'm curious to see the new podcasting setup. Well, I, this. My office area, I've got to figure out if I'm going to juj it up somehow. But the video game, I have a multi-cade arcade stand-up. Hell yeah, you do.

It has made its way to this house, and it's in my office now. Get me over there, girl. Get on over here. I like what I'm hearing. I love this. Yeah, I'm like going full bachelor in this house.

No furniture and an arcade game. Do you need framed pictures of me, May, and Thomas on your walls? Of course. Okay. Individual and groups. And what about a... picture of uh kitty city why not yeah why not why not why not yeah yeah we're gonna have to get your new address and uh you're gonna be getting some stuff in the mail what about a lava lamp you guys could also come over sometime

Well, it's crazy that we're... Did you turn down my invite? I just, you know, I don't have a car. I like to stay in my neighborhood. May doesn't have a car and still Ubers everywhere. Yeah. I mean... to be two bachelors in our respective bachelor pads playing games like i'm playing darts you're playing pac-man we gotta just combine forces i still gotta make it to your bachelor pad yeah you do i'm gonna have a halloween party all right come on are you guys in

I'm going to be in Toronto. Not to avoid your party. I'm going to Toronto just to avoid this party. That's how much Tick doesn't want to dress up in costume. Costumes? Well, no, I go as an aging lesbian every year. Nice. But you love a mustache. You would rock a mustache. Yeah, yeah, I do. Yeah, you could just wear that and call it a day.

Maybe I could wear a mustache and say I'm gone as Tig. Oh, that's pretty good. Yeah, I like that. I'm going to... maybe go as twinkerbell so i'm gonna be like a sort of gay boy tinkerbell whoa what what does that outfit entail shirtless i'm still workshopping it but yeah it's like shirtless with like like

But with like a vest over it, you know? Hide the nips. Hide the nips, of course. And then maybe like some little shorts or something. Well, this is fitting for what's happening in your life right now.

Guys, can you hold on? I'm sorry, one second. This might be a call that I have for a doctor's appointment. I'm sorry, hold on one second. Sure, sure. Hello? This feels like a prank. I feel like that was a set. I'm sorry, calling from where? Oh, yes, yes. Hi. This will be on the pod. We have to keep this in. Yes. She's left her headphones in. Thank you. Bye-bye.

sorry what'd you say we have to keep this is part of the pod now i mean i thought that was a prank because the way it was like oh sorry i'm just getting hello the way i set it up of where Mae's at in their life right now. Tig, I don't know if you knew this, but Mae is an even bigger heartthrob than they were before. Why?

Their show Wayward's still a big hit. It's still number one on Netflix. Of course it is. Why wouldn't it be? I know, but May's an even bigger heartthrob now. I don't know what episode it is. Why are you yelling at me? But at some point. May shows ass. Yeah, I do show ass. May? Marie. May Marie shows ass. Your dungarees back on, my friend. We already know you're a smoke show. Yeah. Tig, listen to this. Shirtless? So you've seen May's ass? Yeah. Tell us, have you seen May's ass?

I haven't seen Mae's ass, but I would remember that. Clearly, I'm the better friend of all of y'all. I never claim to be a good friend to anyone, okay? But take, picture this. All right. You watch this? Yeah, clearly. We're friends. Thank you. Look, if you're a real friend of mine, don't look at my ass. Okay. That's how I gauge a good friend. Give me some privacy. Go ahead. Well, I'm going to paint the picture for you. The maze partner on the show is like, come over here.

And May goes to stand up and she goes, no, don't stand. And then May starts crawling like this and then takes, takes their shirt off. Ripped. Tats a-glowing. You sure? And then somehow turns over. I can't remember how that part happened. She flips me over. And then here comes the ass.

oh my god ass out ass out yeah that's our may a little cowboy and that's the end of the series it's no it's you don't know what happens after that and there's no follow-up to the series no it's just make up your own end it literally goes the end yeah and that and meaning may's ass is the end okay and so it's like a ad libs tv series as you make up you fill in the blank may i say it was very

tastefully, you're not seeing asshole or full ass. The whole time I thought, this is so tasteful. Is it like gather around the family tasteful? This is so tasteful. So tastefully done. And also my wife is seven months pregnant in it. And fully clothed, and I'm fully naked. It's insane. And you're just getting railed from behind. So is that the episode five, like, holy cow? Yeah. Was that the number? Yeah. It was really... Yeah, embarrassing, but then people are commenting on it being like...

saying things, nice things, not nice things, but then someone just commented, didn't May write this? So May wanted us to see their ass. That's an embarrassing way to frame it. Little cowboy. Good ass. They had to CGI out because you're wearing like a flesh colored piece of cloth covering your nether regions. Like.

I always wear those. Do you? Even when I'm filming. You do actually wear flesh-colored underwear, don't you? I do. I wear pontes. Grani pontes. Grani pontes. Yeah. Anyway, thanks for watching, Fortune. I'm going to watch it. Congrats on it. It's still number one. It's been over, what, over a week. I think it's about to get knocked out by Ed Gaines, the serial killer Ryan Murphy thing. I think it's Ryan Murphy. Whatever. What does that say about our culture? I mean, I'll be watching it.

Who knows what it says. I want to tell you that it keeps running through my mind that the other day, I can't remember if it was on a full episode or a Minnesota minute, whatever you called it. There was some. thing that i feel like i delivered that could have sounded rude oh and i was like oh i wonder if may took that the wrong way i was talking we were talking about some show and i said i'll be watching wayward before i watch that oh

Oh, no, I took it as a compliment. Okay, I didn't want it to sound like I was saying I would watch that. No, I have all the plans in the world to watch Wayward, but Stephanie and I are waiting. to be together zero brush there's a lot to watch and i i um yeah i have to get through all my stories before i get to wait i don't think i've ever been offended by anything either of you have said

Oh, that's good. That's really good. I haven't been offended by it. Well, I know. I feel like I always get it. Like, yeah, I've never been. In fact, it's a badge of honor. People, I think, get my sense of humor. Yeah, you're a famous comedian. Well, sure, but there are people. Sure.

I remember I was doing something on stage where somebody in the front row, they were like, oh, I know what it was, where I was teasing the indigo girls coming out. And this woman was shaking her head with deep disappointment. i said what's wrong and she said i i guess i just thought you were nicer than this And I was like, wow, so this person really doesn't get my sense of humor. Yeah, that's insane. Yeah, but no, you guys haven't offended me and I...

I feel confident I haven't said anything trying to upset anybody. But if I do, let me know. And we'll talk about it. We'll talk about it. We'll talk it out. We'll talk it out. Yeah. We'll work it out, you guys. We'll go to couples therapy. We'll all sit on the same couch. We'll go to throuples therapy. Oh, my God. Hell well. Or we'll all three of us go to HR, which is Thomas. Yeah.

talking to. Yeah. You know what's smart? Checking Allstate first for a quote that could save you hundreds on car insurance. You know it's not smart? Not checking that your hairdresser knows exactly what cut you want. It can be a shock to look in the mirror and see a few more inches missing than you expected. Yeah, checking first is smart. So check Allstate first for a quote that could save you hundreds. You're in good hands with Allstate.

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for 25% off. I'm going to be really like therapized soon because today I fly. to this therapy retreat that I'm doing for six days. I'm flying tonight, packed my little bag, not bringing a synthesizer, not bringing my contouring. What are you going to do? Not even, not even your clear. I'm mascara. I'm bringing none of that shit. I'm going in.

Bare bones, baby. Just your butt. Just your bare ass. Just my bare ass. Yeah, I'm nervous though to have my phone taken away for six days. You're there for like five days? Six. Yeah. I had my intake call and I know I can't, you're not supposed to really share what goes on inside. Like part of it is. discretion and but girl you're going to girl you know me girl tell us off the pod i will but i know i have to be i have yeah we don't want you

Ban from there. We don't want you arrested if you like it. But I am arrested. That could happen. Yeah. I think I'll probably feel really anxious for the first couple of days. Just not. It's not the whole six days. Yeah. Listen, am I going to make it the whole time? I know with your phone and synthesizer and clear mascara. And that hot dog. Remember that hot dog? Do I ever? I try and like...

Remove that. I think I need therapy. It's an intrusive thought sometimes where I'm like, oh. And the two chips as the garnish. Two Doritos. The little gherkin. Yeah. But anyway, I might come out with a totally different personality. I might be like, hi. Hi, guys. Oh, wow. Lovely to see you. I don't know. I'm feeling sin. You'll be like of the earth.

i don't know if we'll be able to use you on the podcast yeah we need you to be funny yeah and like quirky you know you gotta fill your role you know you definitely need your facts Yeah, we need those. I got a Mayfact. Give it to us. Oh, maybe I told you already, Tig. Oh, well, then never mind. Let's move on. Oh, okay. Let's sell it again.

it's about the dance plague yeah i have told it i told you about it yeah never mind to take it back basically fortune there was this woman that's all i think about there was a a woman in 1518 called frau frau I actually don't remember your name. Frouch or frowy? I don't remember. I think I must have tuned you out because I don't remember. Frow to frowey. Merch alert. Frow to frowey. Frow to frowey cannot be real.

a star wars character can you google 15 18 dance place and frau trefawi however that spelling is up to you so she um starts dancing yeah I didn't know the gender. Froucha Fowey. Thomas is typing. It is a real name. Who cares? Tell the story. spell it for the folks because they'll never guess okay frau f-r-a-u and then trofea t-r-o-f-f-e-a okay this is good thomas has just sent i guess from wikipedia or something i'm gonna

Okay, in July 1518, a woman whose name was given... I'm going to go to the bathroom. Tell me what happens. This is where we would put in a toilet flush. A woman whose name was given as... Also, what do you mean whose name was given as? As Frau Trofia stepped into the street and began dancing. She seemed unable to stop and she kept dancing until she collapsed from exhaustion. After resting, she resumed.

the compulsive frenzied activity and continued this way for days within within a week more than 30 people were similarly affected they kept going long past the point of injury city authorities were alarmed by the ever-increasing so it basically it was a day contagious dance. Oh, wow. People died and whatever. And then she, I think, Trafaui went to different towns. Miss Trafaui? And recruited people to die dancing? Yeah, she kept...

starting these dance parties. The fact that this story has come up twice, I'm getting the vibe where we've entered another bear portal. I know. Get me to the Institute. Get me to the Institute. It's crazy though. And why were people like, yeah, I'm... Can't stop, won't stop dancing till I die. Well, some people think that it was like a poison in the yeast of the bread or something had gone bad in the town and they were all psychotic. But I don't know. I think it was a curse. Crazy bread.

Yeah, all that crazy bread. Wait, there's crazy bread? Yeah, what did you mean by that? I went with it, but... You said yeast. Oh, yeah. Yeah, but then you said, oh, yeah, that crazy bread insinuating that... People just know about crazy bread. What? What's happening? I'm insinuating that people ate bread and went nuts and started dancing until they died. It sounded...

Like crazy bread is a thing. What has happened to our show? What, how could we possibly get as much information as we just got? And then we all. We just fell off the wagon of conversation and looked at each other like, what are you talking about? Nobody knows what the other person is talking about. And none of us knew that we were going to talk about this today.

No, we did not. And I've already heard about it. I know. I've already heard about Frau Chifawi. Lucky you. No. It was probably different when you heard it, too. It's changing. Well, what a fact, Mae. Thank you. You're welcome. And can we just put a cap on that? Froucher Fowey? I think we ban Froucher Fowey for the future episodes. I think we should.

You're attached to Frouchy Fowler? I don't know. I don't mind it. Two against one. All right. May and I have shared some tidbits of our life. Tig, would you like to add anything to? No.

Let's get to our question. No, I'm not ready. I'm not ready yet. Yeah. I don't really have anything to say. There's nothing going on in my life. God, I wish you did more. i'm just i you know stephanie's still in london and i'm i i'm like i i'm I've said it a million times. I'm just enjoying living my normal life. You know what I did today? You're just in mom mode? I am. And I love it. How dare you? Yuck my yum. I'm totally kidding. While Fortune's playing Pac-Man in an empty house.

And I'm like doing laundry, folding clothes, emptying the dishwasher, picking up the kids, going to the grocery store. I wish you did more actually. Yeah. But I am still, I'm still in that mode and I'm, I'm really. enjoying it. Oh, I love that. But I do, I love doing the podcast. I have a show, I think tomorrow night. And, you know, Papa Grande is going to come over, hang out with Max and Finn. And so it feels like that balance of like.

I'm podcasting, I'm doing shows, and I'm running around. Like the call I answered earlier was Max and Finn's doctor appointment. And it just feels nice to be. submerged in the life that i've normally been out in the world working towards having right but but really being in my life yeah and not just cramming it in in between tours or filming but like really being in it and it just feels nice. That's really nice. That's what I'm up to.

thank you even if that's not sincere it is wildly sincere i think about you as i'm playing my arcade game all the time what are you talking about what are you talking about No, that's what I crave, that type of life, Tig. And that's what the Institute is going to help me conjure. Are you talking about just balance in general?

Yeah. Yeah. And I want a family. So I want to be the best version of myself, you know, in order to magnetize that life that I want. Yeah. And you so you definitely want kids. I want kids in my life that I'm.

raising yeah does that count sure whatever means it comes by yeah i mean i yeah i want to make up weird stories and games i know there's other stuff to do with parenting but that's the part that's pretty much it right yeah fanciful world yeah yeah you know what i also really enjoy is um this is very embarrassing to admit i

have this game in my head where I'm like, okay, if somebody, if somebody popped into our house while Stephanie's out of town, even when Stephanie's in town, but she's, let's just. take it right now while she's out of town in my mind i'm like i'm gonna keep up this house to a t Because if there was a house patrol that popped in and was like, are the dishes clean? Are the clothes clean? Are they folded and put away? Are the cats fed? Is there enough food in the house?

making sure that balance is going on that everything is handled i it's like that um i guess it makes sense because it's like when i train for something or i'm like trying to get my health in order i'm not into like competing against anyone in a team situation i'm like i want to make sure i'm on top of what i'm doing you know what i mean And so it's like the ultimate...

me against me game where i'm like oh my gosh the the i forgot the laundry it's in there and before max and finn get home i want all of their clothes put away and anyway so that's my little so you're winning right now i i am, but I still have, I have a load of laundry that isn't, I'm sure the listeners are going to get a life. I do have. want this is the life i want but so i have a little bit of laundry that still needs to be um dried and folded but after that

After we record, I go get those little cubs and boom, their house is all ready. Oh, I love that. Fortune and I should... pop in unannounced in disguise as house inspectors just at a random point to be like this house in tip-top shape everything yeah and have a list yes and and call me out and be like listen i feel like the tv room should be a little cleaner

And and then but I can show you what I have done and why the TV room is a little in disarray still. Yeah. So we do take explanations. So that's good. I don't I don't really see. mess like my eye my eyes would be like this is this is like the last four podcasts you've had just like a mountain of shit to the right of you

Stuff I'm donating. Hey, Mae, remember the rule of show, don't tell? Yeah, you're right. Yeah, I got to deal with this. I'll be like, look at the pile that Mae's... collecting over there yeah i do have a new

object that for for when we're beauty influencers oh yes i miss my beauty influencer days i haven't busted it out yet but it's like a what is that oh it's the infrared mask yeah led infrared mask what does that do It like vibrates and relaxes your face or something. It fucks your face. Fortune Marie! I'm getting the F fucked out of my face. He said I'm getting the F fucked out of my face.

I'm stunned. I am stunned. I've never heard something so... Listen, it vibrates, so... Assume that's what happens to your face is it gets effed. I was just talking about how I play a game where the house patrol is going to come by and see if I've folded my laundry and tidied the TV room. And emptied the dishwasher and gone to the grocery store because I'm a normal person living a normal life. And then you go and say that? I just said what I heard.

Well, you got to get one. We'll compare notes. You got to get one. Two against one. Should we get to our question, please? You got to get one of these. Girl, quiet. Girl, girl. Back it up, girl. Thank you. Girl, no. Who is our question asker? Please, please, girl, no. Okay, girl.

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Well, today's question asker, by the way, would appreciate this entire conversation. I know he would. Because he's... hilarious he's an actor who played dylan in the emmy winning first season of the white lotus which we'll get to what he infamously did on that show He also starred in Smile 2 and Companion. He's all over the place lately. He's really crushing it. Lucas Gage is asking today's question. Hey, handsome squad. It's Lucas.

Lucas Gage here, and I have a question for you. What is the most desperate stunt that you've ever pulled just to get attention? Talking next morning, you wake up and you cannot believe you really did that.

oh okay first of all yeah let's just address that the tank top uh the deep voice i'm this is what i'm going for lucas is sexy go to youtube check that out even though i couldn't see it i have to believe you because my eyesight is gone but he did look like he did resemble a very attractive person from what i can tell the general he's very attractive and he's really funny and he has a fun personality so do we of course yeah i wasn't

Counting us out, girl. I know, but you have to always remind people that we are a fun bunch. Do you want to know what he did in season one of White Lotus? What? Well... Lucas's character did this on the first season of White Lotus and it was a real moment, a real TV moment. He ate a guy's ass. Fortune! Marie! What is happening to our show? Sorry that I have built up.

that's too slower to that i can't talk no you shouldn't share that this is a family friendly show and this is tig when you were drinking that water i thought you were gonna do a spit take when fortune said it i thought you were gonna go I don't do spit takes because my sons are in the middle of spit take. Obsession. They learn to spit take.

Anytime there's something funny going on, they always grab a drink so they can spit take. And so I'm really on top of guys. You know what else makes you spit take? Eating. I've not done that before, but I imagine that would make you thirsty. I'm dropping out of this conversation. And eventually this podcast. No! Lucas is probably like, great, my whole career has been boiled down to this one moment. But I would like to ask, is there a difference between...

Rimming and eating ass. What is happening? Is rimming just around the parameters and then the other way is really getting in there? I think maybe. Oh, come on. Oh, my God. Tig has just taken off her headphones. It's part of our world now, Tig. Even our grandmas are doing it.

Oh my Lord. Mine's dead, but she probably would have done it. It's part of life. It's a beautiful thing. I'm sure part of this. All right. Well, I'll, I'll clean it up. I'll promise. I'll clean it up. Hello. We've moved on from it. You're safe from that. We're just talking about eating something. Stinky. Stinky. Yeah, you got to wash that up real good if that's happening. Hey, hey, hey. That's just a fact. Girl, back it up. Girl, I'm just saying if someone is going to do that, please wash.

All of that real good. Wash grandma's problem area. Yep. And wash your mouth out while you're at it. I will. Maybe I will. Did you ever get your mouth washed out? As a kid? Yeah. Never. Did you? One time I did. One time I did. With soap? With soap? Mm-hmm. A bar of soap or liquid soap? Whoa, that's some old school. That was like in the 70s, wasn't it? Yeah, it was. Yeah. You know, I was basically seven smoking a cigarette and holding, not really, but I mean.

You know, it was the 70s. And my mother only did it one time. I think she was desperate because I wouldn't pull it together. You wouldn't put that sig down. Yeah. So did she say go and... put that soap in your mouth or she put it in your mouth for you? She like put the bar of soap on my tongue. She probably wouldn't appreciate me telling this, but. She's no longer with us. I don't know if I've ever told you that, but I also, my mother's personality was also one that I could say.

But you did it. So I am going to tell the people. Yeah, that's the trade off. And so wait, what was his question? He said. Something you did for attention. Yeah, where you woke up the next day and were like. I can't believe I did that. Something, some stunt that you pulled. Like in an embarrassing, I can't believe I did that. Or in like a, whoa, I pulled off that stunt and I can't believe I pulled it off. I think embarrassing, like.

I'd like to hear a good one as well if you weren't embarrassed. Have I ever done something for attention? Yeah, your whole career. That's what we're doing. That's what we're doing. Yeah, looking for... I do comedy just because it feels good on the inside. I don't want any feedback whatsoever. Oh, man. I mean, I've told the...

The story before of when I took the joke too far when I was 13. And I was doing a Scottish character. I was at a guy's birthday party. I was 13. I think I had a crush on the guy. So I was manic. doing all these voices and characters like Ace Ventura. And I was doing this Scottish character and I stood, we were waiting for the bus to go play laser tag, stood on top of like a newspaper box. Yeah. The whole thing was the most classic setup.

So I'm standing on top of this newspaper box being like, oh, look, oh, look over there. I'm doing this loud character. And I remember thinking, I'm so fucking funny. I am like, I am. on fire. And then this couple walked by this stranger's couple, you know, adults. And I was so into my character, I spat at the couple and it landed.

on their shoe and the world stopped turning as soon as i i've never heard this my stomach dropped out of my body i go they they look at me they go did you just bit at us and all of my friends are silent and terrified like there's adults now mad and I was like I'm so sorry I don't know why I did that I just got Okay, you both look really disappointed in me right now. I have to answer this real quick. My alarm's going off. Are you joking? Are you joking? No, not at my new house, but at my old one.

Oh, your house alarm is going off? Did we give the address and did we just stream live? Okay. They got it. They got it. Okay. They got him. They got him. So just to clarify, that's twice on the pie. Sorry. I was like, I got a thing from the security company and I was like, yeah. Anyways. I spat on this couple and I just knew in the moment I've taken this too far. It was like I was possessed. I don't know what came over me. And then they got on the same bus as us to go. And I remember sitting.

by myself on the bus my friends just humiliated and then oh my god fortune's on the phone this is this has never happened May, this is a sign of a good story. Is when your co-host holds up one finger. Oh my God. Wait, let's see. What is it? Yeah. Okay. I wonder what if fortune never comes back and just continues working on the computer or something and we're back. What's going on?

It was ADT calling to make sure that no police needed to come. But how do you know if police need to come? You're not there. Because it's people getting the house ready. Oh, okay, okay, okay. anyways that's my most shameful moment where no one really talked to me for the rest of the birthday everyone was just like you're unhinged and I just was trying to be funny and

And the next morning, did you wake up? How'd you feel like when you woke up the next day? Ashamed. Yeah, bad. I remember then going into the laser quest and just finding a corner to sit in in the dark while everyone's running around. And I was like, I'm just going to find a little spot. to cower in the dark. Yeah. And how long did it take you to feel better? Oh, I mean, look, I'm still talking about it. I'm still. Yeah, yeah, you are. What about you guys? Have you ever?

especially with comedy like just like i'm trying to be funny it's such a trap especially things don't age well and stuff is there anything you've done that you're like i'm trying to think if there's a bigger thing i did i did fake having a retainer once because i thought that would be cool how did you it just was a paper clip i was like why did i think this was cool it's like people would ask me about my retainer

Yeah, I have a retainer. It wasn't a joke. It was like, I actually want people to think. 100% for real thinking for some reason that would make me cool. Wow. Yeah, that was so stupid. I think a couple days later, like, why am I eating metal? Yeah, and how are you holding it in place? I don't know. I like undid the paperclip so that it was like a round thing. I used to do that and just put it here. You could kind of fit it to your mouth.

yeah i don't know but but did you have like embarrassment or shame the next day or anything um more of just like what was that Oh, sorry. I'm just getting a call, guys. Sorry. This is for real. You stop this. We are blowing up. Hopefully someone walks past your window again at some point so you can have a moment as well. Yeah.

But I don't know. I'm trying to think if I did something on a larger scale that was for attention. Or drunk at a Hollywood party and you try and do the splits and you knock over the caviar. I knocked over. Can you believe I knocked over the caviar? Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Who knocked over the caviar? What about you, Tig? It wasn't a prank. But I was at the age, my kids are just coming out of this age where they need a Band-Aid for everything. You know, when kids are just...

I don't know if you're aware of this, but kids love a Band-Aid. They love a Band-Aid. And it wasn't a prank, but it was kind of along the lines of what Fortune was saying. It was first grade. And my mother had made me wear a dress for picture day. And it was the group picture. And I was sitting in the front row in my dress. I was so young and dumb that I didn't understand.

that what ends up in the picture, my mother's going to see. And so I'm sitting there in my dress, which, by the way, was a happy medium of my mother being like, you have to wear a dress. which she didn't continue to make me do later in life. But the one dress that I really like to wear, if I had to wear a dress, was a denim dress. Of course.

With a farm scene on it. There was like a farm with little animals and a sunshine. And a pocket for your cigarettes. No, I just rolled those up in my sleeve. But it also had like overall, like a look of overalls. Anyway, so I wore my farm dress, sat in the front row and covered. both of my legs with band-aids knee to ankle oh my god because i thought it looked so cool to have like all of these injuries on my leg these fake injuries

So I get my picture taken. I go. I think it might have been the first year because I'm I would I don't think I had a group picture in kindergarten. So it might have been the first year. So I didn't I just. didn't know i didn't have a lot of information yet in life so the picture gets developed and my mother it gets sent to my mother because she purchased the picture and she looks at it and she's like sweetie that was on your legs and I was so embarrassed I was so humiliated by my mother

seeing that I snuck and, and, and she was, I mean, here, I just told a story of my mother putting soap in my mouth, but she was like, people are going to think. Yeah. Yeah. But anyway. So that was, it wasn't a, is that a prank? I don't know if it's a prank. That's not a prank, but it's something you did for attention. Yeah. That then you had to be faced with. Oh, yeah. Yeah. So I guess it does fill the.

oh my god if my kid was doing that i'd be like my kid's great that is really weird and funny yeah cover your legs with band-aids because you think it's kind of badass 10 band-aids on each leg and not a single band-aid was left in the house right So there's my story. We used to give each other hickeys on our eyeballs. The three of us did, yeah. Just last week.

so that it would look like a black eye because we thought that was cool so you can you sort of would suck on the person's like lower eyelid and then so everyone in the class looks like we had black eyes gross yeah it was gross yeah

The things that we thought were so cool were nuts. Pretty badass. Pretty badass. Should we hear Lucas's answer? Yeah. Yeah. So my most cringy, most mortifying stunt that I've ever pulled just to get someone's attention has to do with you. Fortune. I'm so sorry. It was the night before party. First year, you know, after the pandemic. Never been invited to these Hollywood things. I didn't know how anything went. I maybe drank a little too much. And as I'm leaving, I'm walking out and I spot you.

at the valet, getting in your car, and I go, oh my god, oh my god, that's Fortune Feimster, to my friend. We'd watch Barb and Star on repeat. And instead of just letting it go and admiring... admiring or maybe saying hi I proceeded to jump on the hood of your car like I knew you and it said fortune stop you have to hang out with us fortune and

I cannot believe how amazing and nice you were because you kind of went along with it and kind of acted like we knew each other. You probably thought it was absolutely insane. And the next morning I woke up in a cold sweat and I could not believe I did that. I'm so sorry. Love you. And I love the pod.

Oh, my God. Oh, my God. That is so funny. I did not think that would be his answer. That's hilarious. And it's so different from Band-Aids on my legs with my farm dress on. Yeah. That did. I wonder. I want to say he might have been with Meg Stalter that night. Yeah. Yeah, I was, I knew that obviously I didn't hit him with my car, but they kind of...

threw himself on the hood of my car. I think that's a great bet. I think I might have I knew of him but I don't know that White Lotus had come out yet. But that is so funny. And I didn't think twice about it. I just thought it was a funny bit. Yeah, a funny person being funny. I'd be like, yeah, we are going to be friends if that's your...

We are friends and I see him around. Did you drive off saying, hey, would you be a guest on my podcast in a few years? Yeah, I did. Can't wait to see you eat ass. Fortune, come on. Sorry. Oh, sorry. Come on. Sorry, sorry. Meg Stalter is someone that when she's around, like, I get egged.

into this lunacy like i maybe oh we should ask meg to do a question of course i don't know why we haven't we have no i just thought that can i say really quickly she is currently filming hacks so she's in vegas i think and uh she has I guess a lot of time off just in our hotel room. And I...

I have so much respect for how she's using that time, which is just she's doing these Instagram lives like she used to do during the pandemic where it's sometimes two hours and she's in character. She's wearing these wigs and people are calling in. She does a character called Miss Love who...

She did a whole night where she was giving love advice and being like, my polyamorous boyfriend and I are getting married. Then the next night she does another two hour live stream being like, I'm getting a divorce. It's like the best. I'm just like, that is a comedy. brain you know the just is she's always thinking of bits and she doesn't give a shit and i'm just i really i respect it a lot i've done a couple of her largo shows and i'm just like what is gonna unfold tonight

That's so funny. Well, you know what? Lucas also got married on television. I didn't know if that was going to be one of his things. What do you mean? Lucas got married on the Kardashians. television show to Kim Kardashian's hairdresser. And the wedding was on the reality show? Yeah. And he was really, that's really his husband? They are now divorced.

I mean, that sounds like something I would do, does it not? But they both wore matching, like, I don't know if it was real or faux fur. Big black faux fur, whatever, jackets with black leather pants. In I think Vegas and Kim was the officiant. And how long was he with his husband? I don't know. I think it was a shorter. Hmm. relationship. I think he's since talked about it on some podcasts saying he regretted doing it in that way. I feel like I would get overexcited about something and...

Be like, yeah, show the world, do it. Like get swept up in something? Yes, 100%. That sounds like. Especially if Kim Kardashian's going to officiate, I'll marry you guys. I'll marry anyone. You're going to marry whoever just so Kim can officiate. Yeah, yeah.

Well, my friends, this was a delightful episode. Can't get enough. That's right. But that is enough. We do need to move on. I just wanted to say that we have new merch. yeah including uh speaking of yeah we have a yeah ghost crew neck and a handsome zip hoodie go to handsomepod.com also i cannot stress enough The importance of rating and reviewing our show. Subscribe.

to the podcast. Also subscribe to our YouTube channel. And follow us, follow our socials because some of these merch things were from the feedback we got on those socials. And if anyone knows the couple who I spat on in character, get in touch with them and apologize. Yeah, that's a good idea. For sure. What do you guys have coming up? Or I can start because I can say.

And I'm supposed to say, and I get emails reminding me to say, I am on tour. I'm going on tour in February for 35 cities. I'm going to, and the tickets are on sale. And my whole team is very nervous about the ticket sales. So please buy some tickets. Come see me live. I've never done an American tour. I'll be in Canada. Yeah, it's going to be incredible. You're going to sell.

Tickets. I can't wait. I can't wait. I'm going to try and meet as many people as I can, too, and do meet and greets and stuff. So, yeah, check it out. Well, this November... I'm at the Chicago theater. It's almost sold out. So get your tickets, uh, San Jose and Fresno, California, the end of that month.

uh charlotte north carolina st petersburg florida orlando florida in december um and then a bunch of dates got rescheduled like norfolk salt lake city vancouver and seattle although um those are at the end of the year seattle washington i'm doing new year's eve uh so come celebrate the new year with me it's before the countdown so you can come to the show then go celebrate the

Ringing in of the new year elsewhere. I'm going to be in Montclair, New Jersey for the Montclair Film Festival. And Stephen Colbert is hosting the evening. The documentary screening. Oh, no way. Yeah, yeah. So that's going to be really fun. This isn't like a stand-up show, but I'll be out there doing a... Drew Barrymore's show and Colbert promoting the documentary. So we're in full, full documentary promotion mode right now.

If the film is screening anywhere near you, please check it out. And we are creeping up on the premiere of Come See Me in the Good Light. on Apple TV, November 14th. I cannot emphasize enough how beautiful this film is. And I mean, it really, really promotes and encourages compassion. I'll also be at Dynasty Typewriter in Los Angeles, November 16th, and Largo in Los Angeles, November 21st. So get your tickets and go to tignotaro.com for all my other...

Live show information. Sweet. Really sweet. And I would say until next time, shall we keep it handsome? Handsome is hosted by me, Mae Martin, Tig Notaro and Fortune Feimster. The show is produced, recorded and edited by Thomas Ouellette. Email us at handsomepod at gmail.com and please follow us on social media at handsomepod. What a podcast! What a podcast! What a podcast! That was a HeadGum Podcast.

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