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It teaches you how to stop wasting energy on what you can't control and start focusing on what truly matters. You, listening on Audible can help you reach the goals you set for yourself. Start listening today. Cheers. Cheers. Hello. Hello. Welcome to the Handsome Podcast. Here we are in person all together again. I am one of your hosts, Mae Martin. I'm joined really close proximity by my...
Two other co-hosts. And Biggie is here. That's right. Well, I'm one of the co-hosts in a very similar color. As May. Yeah, we're going forest. Mm-hmm. Forest green. I love a forest green. But it's me, Tig Notaro. And it's me, Fortune Feepster. Fortune. Hi, guys. Hi. I love being with y'all. I love being with you. I'm over here alone. All by yourself.
All by myself. Biggie's over here cuddling with May. Biggie is kind of into me, guys. Really into you. It's really nice. And how can you tell when there's no face expression? Come on! It's his full life. It's like a gentle, well, now he's leaning away because he's. No, he's saying, I like this. Pet me. He's really good. Is that what he's saying? Mm-hmm. Okay. He is.
I tried to, I've cut my own hair with clippers and I think there's some big steps in it. And I even think there's a little bald patch on purpose. No, no, no, there's not. It's a little thin there, but it's not bald. There's a bald patch at the back on the top. Like a monk? Like a full circle? Yes, yes. Yeah, that was on purpose. My father was bald like that.
What's that called? Not you pattern, just like. I don't know. Circle pattern? Circle pattern. I don't know. But yeah, he had a mustache. And then he was missing hair right there at the top of his noggin. Men have a hard time. I didn't get the feeling... That was one of his main struggles in life. If you can't see it, are you really thinking about it? These days you go to Turkey, you get a hair transplant. They're so good. I'm sorry.
These days you go to Turkey and you don't know that. No, that is the place to go. Everyone's it's cheap and it lasts. And how do you know this? It's like a thing that like there's a lot of Tic Tacs of like all these guys on airplanes. With their head wrapped. Coming back from Turkey. Because that's where you go to get it done. And dental work and stuff. It's cheaper to do it. It's cheaper to fly there.
And get it done there than it is to do it in the state. Why are they so good? I don't know. I don't know, but it's excruciatingly painful. How do you know? These videos I'm watching. You have nice fingers, Mae. Thank you so much. It's the one part of me that I'm proud of. Maybe I've said this. And you know who has the best hands and fingers in comedy? Who? Paul F. Tompkins.
Really gorgeous. I've never noticed anyone's hands. Beautiful hands. It's the first thing I notice is hands. The man has beautiful hands. You've got great hands. Do I? They're okay. No one's ever complimented my hands. Well, because they're okay. No, you can't see them. They're stunning. They have a better view.
But look at May's hands and fingers. Thank you so much. Thank you. Yeah, good hand. Very long fingers. Yeah. Oh, yeah, you do have long fingers. Of course people know what you mean. Guys, I did it. Okay, yikes. Last night I did. They know what you mean.
those dykes out there oh they're not i did like an immersive experience last night oh my god look at vicky just came and got on my lap oh you heard about about those fingers oh my god wow you know what this is dogs something dogs and children i think they They trust me. Oh. That is a May brag. May brag. May brag. For those watching right now on YouTube, Biggie saddled up to May so quick. To be fair.
Biggie doesn't have a clue what's going on. He does. Just staring straight ahead. Doesn't know who he's snuggled up to. He licked Mae's hand and everything. He knows exactly what he's doing. I've licked Mae's hand before. I didn't know what I was doing. It really did seem like he hurt.
about the fingers though. He didn't snuggle up to me at all today. Yeah, well he saw your fingers. He finally got a glimpse of those fingers. He's really, really into Mae. I love it. Okay Mae, what story were you going to tell us? You know, I always I look up any like immersive experience in L.A., like an escape room or thing. And this was like I got taken to. It was like it was. Lights and sounds and colors. Put the hands down. Oh, my gosh. If you're at home watching, there you are.
There's May's fingers. The sequel to Long Legs is Long Fingers. Yeah, so I go in and I think some of these immersive things are like running a racket. Like this was a white room. But they played these deep sounds and then bright, bright lights. But it was me and the person I was with and then this couple in their 60s who came and they were... Wait, who was the person you were with? You never knew mine.
Oh, was this a date? Yeah, I got taken on a date, which is nice. You got taken on a date? Usually I'm the one picking the... Can we know the gender? Yeah. Gender's a spectrum. Okay. So there's this couple and... The woman is like this vivacious, like long-haired sort of hippie woman. And she's like, are you guys doing the experience? And then her husband is this curmudgeonly, well, she always makes me come to these things. He goes, I have to take my shoes off. And he was really annoyed.
How old? Late 60s. In an escape room? No, it was like an immersive art experience. It was meant to be relaxing sounds, and you look like you're in an alien pod. Anyway, and then they're bright colors, and at the end of it... First of all, he starts snoring halfway through. It's just the four of us in this pod. I can hear this. This is also interactive. Yeah. And then my favorite part was at the end, we're like, wow, that was amazing. Yeah, it was so cool the way the...
Colors responded to the sounds. And then she went, well, and did you like it to her husband? He goes, ah, the yellow really pissed me off. The yellow. He was pissed off by one of the colors. This is similar yellow to this here? It was brighter than that. Okay. Because that's about the color of my space suit on Star Trek. That's like a nice mustard. That color?
Yes, that color. I would not have guessed that. Yeah, I was going to say, it sounds like you two are surprised to find out I am in a yellow space suit. But does it have the classic Star Trek? symbols on it well i have the yeah the emblem there but i it's it's like i have like well i was gonna say i can't share this but it's the same outfit i had in star trek discovery yeah
You know, yellow space. Part of on Discovery, I was in a blue space suit. OK. And then it switched to the golden yellow. What do you prefer? What's more flattering? I mean, I look good in anything, to be honest with you. We know this. Yeah, yeah. What kind of shoes? Boots. They come up, you know, space boots. Space boots, of course. You've got to have space boots, Mae. Have you never been to space? No, I can't.
But, you know, the wardrobe people are extraordinarily talented and I appreciate all of their work. I did enjoy the blue suit a little better. I do like blue. Yeah, but the way it was cut, like, I don't know. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's very, these subtle changes can be very... Made me feel cooler. Because the jacket was cut a little higher, whereas the gold goes a little lower. But I still like it. I like the gold suit.
You know, I sent somebody a picture the other day and they said, you were born to wear a yellow space suit. Yeah. Yeah. I did that show, The Flight Attendant, and I had to wear a flight attendant uniform. And leading up to it, I was like, guys, I know it doesn't seem like a big deal, but like. i would just love to wear a men's yeah and they were like yeah of course got it we got it we got it and then i show up and it's like
A sort of Hillary Clinton pantsuit. Like it's cut so womanly, you know. And then they have the dress option for me and I'm like, burn that. But then, yeah, I couldn't explain to them like the nuances of like, I know this looks to you like.
a suit it's not it's like a yeah they altered it a bit for me but oh man then they said oh yeah and you're gonna wear a little neck scarf around your neck like a little because it was a plot point because i was hiding a uh hickey yeah oh gotcha that is hilarious um fortune i just watched you in the will ferrell reese witherspoon rom-com oh yeah uh you're so funny in it and also it's so funny i put it on and i was like you guys love rom-coms but yeah i would never choose to watch one right
love a rom-com do you not i love a rom-com no you're just i mean no offense i i'm so offended Please. I hate that you don't love rom-com. No, I am not. Did you really think I was a rom-com person? Maybe just because you're in them. Tig likes rom-toms. Oh yeah, I'm a rom-tom. I was in the movie for like...
20 seconds, but I'm glad that in those 20 seconds you laughed. You made an impact. Two of my scenes got cut. Oh, shit. I thought there was a place where you were going to come back at the end. I was supposed to. Damn. It was because of the hands. That's right. this movie um like the first half hour I was like this is such a
funny, pleasant rom-com and then it gets sort of unhinged in a way that I was not expecting and loved. Suddenly it's like he's wrestling an alligator and it was really funny. As you do. I'm glad you liked it. I loved it. What is it called? Uh, you're horizontally invited on Amazon. I'm glad that fortune jumped in there. Have you seen the movie fortune? Yeah, it's fun. Yeah. I mean, I, I just love when.
anyone makes a comedy these days because there's so few getting made. Like a big, silly comedy. Like a big, silly, over-the-top comedy. I love it. Yeah. Yeah, that was cool to pop in there. We should get... Will Ferrell ask a question? I asked them. He listens to the pod. What? No, he doesn't. He told me he does. I swear to God. Unless he was just being nice. He was being nice. No, he wasn't. He brought it up. He brought the pod up. I did not bring it up to him.
okay and um because he knew that jacks was a teacher and stuff from listening to the pod um and i said you gotta ask i immediately he was trying to compliment me compliment me in the pod. And I totally interrupted him. I was like, you've got to ask a question. And Jax was like, let him finish. He said he would. I just, I don't have his number. I got to figure that out. I would love to get a question from Meredith Hagner too.
Oh, really? Yeah, I love her. She's so funny. She's very funny. She's on Search Party. Yes. I think we need to start weaponizing the fact that I'm trans to get people to ask questions. We go, in today's America, wouldn't it be good to amplify this voice? I was like, weaponize? What do you mean? Exploit. We are here to weaponize this awkward voice. I just think, like, Will Ferrell did that amazing documentary. That was so good.
Guys, come on. I just watched that documentary like three nights ago. Isn't it great? It is great. And I was just telling Stephanie how much will shines. Yeah. Like as. just a human, like his compassion and his love. And I'm watching it thinking, I want to love like this. I want to be loved like this. And Harper just...
I mean, that's an obvious thing of like, what an interesting, incredible, smart, funny, talented person. And I guess I was just... going in expecting to be so wrapped up in because I know will yeah and I know I can I thought I could kind of gather where yeah that would go But to really see his humanity. You saw different sides of him. One million percent. It also made me feel like I would love to know Harper. Yeah, totally. And I think it would.
It could potentially be hard to be with somebody as, you know, big as Will Ferrell. But I feel like Harper, they were an even. uh ride and i like that they so if you're listening and you haven't seen it it's uh like an old friend of will ferrell's who has transitioned to being a woman and then they reconnect and they go on this road trip through america and i like that they kind of
also address the fact that it's it's easier because it's Will Ferrell like they're going into these bars and stuff that it would be maybe scary and of course everyone's so pumped to see Will Ferrell so they kind of yeah we're seeing this great side of Americans but they were like this would be very different if Harper was alone. Well, because Harper, when Harper was a man, he used to go across the country and stop into these kind of dive bars.
you know, bro-y, manly bars. Yeah, Harper wanted to revisit the life and way that she traveled before transitioning. Yeah, yeah. And to see what the reception would be. Yeah, man, it was great. It is so, I love how this, this got so earnest after I was saying, let's weaponize my, let's exploit my, I was being joking, but yeah, it's so valuable when someone with the platform that big, especially.
Someone who's, yeah, like every American loves. Like Will Ferrell is so universal. And he got a lot of hate for it. Did he? Will did? Yeah, a lot. That so just proves the point. Because that's the world that... we're in right now yeah unfortunately yeah he had a lot of love for it but has gotten a lot of hate right yeah that's wild i i just i don't know how you can see somebody like harper
And then see somebody like Will, who you're so used to just loving and cracking up over anything and everything he does. And then you just see him. And you go, I'm out now. Like, that's crazy when it's just such a... Well, yeah, because you would think that people would see the humanity of it, which is the whole point. But again... Those aren't the times that we're in. And to clarify, it's not that I didn't think Will had that in him. It was just so beautiful to see him.
Really, really. Really emote and empathize and be so present. Especially the scene after they were in Texas. They got such a negative reaction. What is the name of the documentary? Will and Harper. That's the name of it? Yeah, okay. Yeah. Just so that people can find it. I Googled last night. Was that good? Weaponizing your transness? It was good. But now this is we got to get we got to.
yeah well yeah question yeah like he's like yeah yeah i will and then you go and there's a trans person on it yeah Some people just know they could save hundreds on car insurance by checking Allstate first. Like you know how to check that you've got flour, water, and sugar before embarking on that paper mache project.
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I don't know what Chad GBC is. Oh, really? So Chad GBC is AI and you can ask it anything. And I don't use it because I've heard it uses a lot of water to use it. It's like every question you ask it is a bottle of water. No way. Yeah. Wait. Wow. Why? I could not tell you. I was like, I don't know. I don't understand science. I have no idea how that's possible. You're not a scientist? I'm not a scientist. I don't know how any of that works.
And how big of a bottle of water? Because they come in many different sizes. I think a little 250 milliliter kind of. So anyway, but I had to find out last night. Just wanted to know how many people a year die from laughing, like just laugh themselves. I thought chat GPT, it has access to every information on the Internet. And it was really evasive. It was like.
Yeah, that's not really something that happens. It's not that possible, but it does happen probably. Like choking? It's probably from a heart attack. Heart attack choking. But I said, okay, but ballpark. Yeah. People who are recorded as saying. You wasted two bottles of water so far. I know. Because you had a follow-up question. Exactly.
Anyway, eventually it says. And now people at home are going to be. Are you going to sleep? Curling up, facing away from me. No, no, no. Googling AI stuff keeps me. Anyway. The long and the short of it is it's like a handful of people a year, but it does say, well, there was this man in 1975 called Alex Mitchell who died of...
laughing himself to death. He laughed for 25 minutes solidly at a sketch on a British comedy show called The Goodies. So obviously I'm like, what was the sketch? It says... A strangulation sketch. Wow. I thought, what? And that didn't kill him? But the laughter did? Yeah. So then I searched and I found the sketch that made this man laugh himself to death for 25 minutes.
And I thought, hold up. I thought it'll be a little stale. Not only is it, it is so offensive. I cannot, like, I can't even, it is so racist. It is so offensive. And it was. really making me laugh that this is the thing that this man killed and then you almost died the universe The whole thing. Took him out. The universe took him out. So crazy. The whole saga was tripping me out last night. That is wild. Well, you know, I used to produce a comedy festival in D.C. called The Benson Ball. Okay.
Spelled B-E-N-T-Z-E-N. And we named the festival after this guy. Who laughed to death. No. No. Yeah. Are you kidding me? I've literally never thought about anyone dying from laughing to death. And you two have both had this on your brain. That's correct. Wait, so who's Benson? He was from Washington State.
And in fact, we extended an invitation to his family and we told them that we named our festival after him. And they're like, why? We look him up, Thomas, and see. This is the most random thing ever. Because the wife. Tell me the first initial of his first name and I'll be able to. I've literally never thought about this. Yeah. Because the widow of Alex Mitchell wrote a letter to this comedy troupe and said, thank you for making his last moments on Earth so great.
But that was interesting to me because the whole anecdote is she said, if you laugh at this stupid show, you're in the minority, stormed out of the room. And then he's laughing so hard that he dies, which I was like, is he trying to make a point? But anyway, and then she writes the truth. There's a lot of twists. So wait, Benson, Washington State. The first letter, Tig, is O. Yes. Oscar? Yes, it's... This is good podcasting, right? Otis? I don't think you'll guess it. It's...
O-L-E is his name. Oh, Ola Benson. Ola Benson. Yes, yes. And he died watching A Fish Called Wanda. Oh. He died watching A Fish Called Wanda. He was laughing watching A Fish Called Wanda. Wow. And so we were like, what do we call the comedy? festival oh my god ola benson i forgot i did know that but it's been a long time um since i stopped and we might bring the festival back but we're not sure did his family respond Yes, and they didn't come.
No, we had we invited them every year. Oh, and I think they were going to come one year. And then I can't remember what happened. We weren't like paying for their. plane tickets or anything. Right. I wonder what scene it was in A Fish Called Wanda. I guess I can reach out and ask and keep bringing up a bad topic. Yeah, yeah. Just keep that memory alive for them. Yeah.
That's crazy. Okay, see, this is what I wanted from ChatGPT, just some more background. They could have told you about that guy. I know. Yeah, I'm surprised they didn't say, oh, by the way, Mae, your co-host used to... produce a festival called the benson ball it should have known that it really should have about ola benson because apparently you can say to chat gpt like here's everything about me and and then and everything i've done and
And then it can tell you what to do with your life. Like it is like omnipotent. Like it can say you personally. have this issue and you need to do that. Really? Yeah. I don't know. And I can just Google that and it'll tell me my issue. You have to go to chat GPT.
Oh, okay. I'm not going to do that. No, and also we shouldn't because of water. Yeah. And water. Yeah, we can't waste water. It's scary. We should just hang with Biggie. Hang out with Biggie. Guys, I'm very excited about today's questioner. I once... was on a flight with her. She was like two seats over. Oh yeah? And I just wanted to say hi the whole time and I didn't. So...
That's that story. Wow. That's really good. I saw her and I didn't say anything. I wanted to. Today's questioner is an actor and comedian best known for her Emmy nominated work on Saturday Night Live. She's also hosted Supermarket Sweep and starred in the 2016 version of Ghostbusters. Her latest stand-up special is titled Problem Child. Leslie Jones is asking today's question. Nice!
Hey, handsome. It's Leslie Jones here. Now, I was asked to ask you guys a question. So, here we go. What, as you grow older, What is more relieving or enjoyable more than an orgasm or just as much as an orgasm? Yeah. Great question. Leslie Marie. I asked it. What's as relieving and enjoyable as an orgasm? If not more. Boy, I hate to chime in with something boring and obvious, but a good night's sleep. Oh, man. That's better than an orgasm. I mean, like when I get...
More than six hours of sleep. I feel like I can do anything in the world. Oh, yeah. Oh, yes. Yeah. When sleep becomes a struggle for you in your life and you covet it like that. Yeah. It's so anxiety-inducing knowing that you're not sleeping well. Good night's sleep. You know what I do? Before I go to bed, I take a screen grab of my phone. I see what time it is. Okay. Because I always forget in the morning. I'm like, when did I go to sleep? And I always kind of round up like an hour and just...
I'll probably be asleep within an hour because I do breathing exercises and all of my, the whole circus to get me to go to sleep. Melatonin? You do melatonin? I don't do melatonin, but I do. magnesium magnesium I do I have the I'm doing hormone replacement therapy and with a little extra progesterone I do Lion's Mane, which is supposed to calm you and help your dreams. Ashwagandha. And I also do a gummy.
A sleep gummy. Oh, like a CBD thing? Yeah. And I do CBD oil. I have like a whole thing to get me to hopefully sleep a few hours. What's crazy is like, it's not like someone like... We all know Alana Johnston or Lisa Gilroy, people that operate on a... Like you're like, oh, yeah, it must be hard for you to wind down. But like, it's not like you're running around. You're already pretty chill. Well, I have one eye closed.
actually been closed until no but um is this a newer thing though like with sleep yeah Or has this always been the case? No, I remember the first time I noticed it. I was staying at my hotel in Toronto filming Star Trek. I had just done that movie. It was called Instant Family.
I remember calling Stephanie and saying, like, God, I feel like I'm not I'm having trouble sleeping maybe in hotel rooms now. Yeah. And I thought that's what it was. Yeah. Yeah. And it was just slowly creeping in. But it's like.
menopause stuff oh yeah yeah um so uh yeah so i take a picture of the time that i go to sleep so i can see when i actually um got in bed and um but if i can't fall asleep or i wake up in the night i never look at the time yeah because i don't want to add anxiety oh yeah yeah you can't do that so i'd rather just get up and start my day thinking i
Maybe slept five hours, even if it was two or three. Yeah. And if you get that like full, deep, deep sleep, you are like, oh my gosh. And what I also learned recently is. I used to sleep on my stomach or my side. Oh, you switched to back, right? I switched to sleeping on my back only. Yeah. And I'm sleeping better. And I wake up having not moved an inch. I want to get there, yeah.
And that's better for your skin, too, on your face. Yes. Like for wrinkles? Yeah, I read that. Is it Dita Von Teese who has such porcelain-type skin? flawless skin. Who is this? She's like a burlesque dancer. She sleeps on her back because less wrinkles. Like when you're on your side, your face scrunches up. But you know who else sleeps on their back?
count dracula in a coffin and he has wrinkles galore true but those were drawn around a while he's been around okay wait plus he's also living off of blood Better than an orgasm for me. Because you love orgasms. Look. No one loves an orgasm more than May. No, it's not even about that. I love the...
Group orgasm Everyone together. Oh I love the eroticism of life. Don't look at me like that. Well, I just didn't need that window I'm going to say when I have a day to myself and I go to the movie theater in the afternoon by myself and I... eat my popcorn. Sometimes that's like, I love a movie. Do you put little snacks in the popcorn? Like an M&M?
No, absolutely not. I don't make sweet and salty. I love sweet and salty. Really? You don't like sweet and salty? No, never. Two against one. Popcorn with like M&M's or any chocolate. Yum. Like the happiest moments that I've just... thought of in my mind are interestingly all alone like they're like and to do with food and solitude like going in not taking that personally like one time I was I was walking
Toronto, I was maybe a bit stoned. I think I was like 17. It was winter. You were just there. Even if I hadn't been there, I know winter. And walking alone. And walking alone. And I walked by this movie theater and they were playing Close Encounters of the Third Kind in the middle of the afternoon. Like they played old movies and I went in by myself. I had my fresh popcorn.
Oh, I just was like, I'm in heaven. You know, I don't watch a lot of movies, but that does sound appealing. It does sound very nice. To just wander in. Especially not meaning to. Yeah, spontaneous. Yeah, I love that kind of stuff. I should do that more often. Why don't you go now? Pop into a movie. Why don't you go? I could. Leave. Well, right now I'm busy. You on the clock? I'm on the clock.
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to get free shipping and 365 day returns quince.com slash handsome what about you fortune what is as relieving or enjoyable as an orgasm oh man orgasms so so many of those Well, y'all know I love food. Yeah. So you've never mentioned this. That was a fake laugh.
It was not. It just came out really weird. It was real, but then it turned fake. Right. The second one was fake. Yeah, it felt like, oh, that's funny. And then you thought it through and you're like, it wasn't that funny. And then you went, yeah.
food that's like really rich you know where you don't want to you can't eat like a crazy amount of it yeah but when you have those bites and it's so like yummy and rich I had a pasta I didn't order it, and I regretted not ordering it, but someone else ordered it. Your happiest memory is that someone else ordered the post. But it made me think I'm going to go back to order it. Okay. You made a plan. I made a plan in my head that I'm going to go back.
It was a lemon pasta, and it had caviar on it, which... I didn't even know I was into caviar, because that's... In Aspen, that's all they're in. Come on. I have my bougie life. Oh, my God. It's a lemon... Lemon? But I love lemon pasta, but I didn't order it, because I was like, caviar is weird. That part's throwing me off. But a friend of ours ordered it. And then I was like, I literally thought about it for like, I didn't engage in the conversation because for like 20 minutes I'm like.
should i have ordered the lemon pasta it was a special right and i was like i probably should have ordered the lemon pasta and everyone's talking and i'm just like lemon pasta lemon pasta because my brain like loves food and thinks that way too much. Your brain. My brain does. Completely unrelated to you. Yeah, I have no understanding. Yeah. And then it came and she goes, you have the first bite. And I was like, no, I can't possibly.
I can't pasta-ly? I can't pasta-ly. And then I did, and it was like, oh my god. My face went like... Oh, my God. Orgasmic-like. What restaurant was this? Chaconis. Where is this? West Hollywood. Okay. It's a special, but I think they, he said they often have it. And I've sensed that one bite because then she like ate it all. She was really skinny and I thought.
She would, like, not finish it because it was really rich. And who is this? Your friend? A friend. And I thought, I'll get some more, but she polished it off. Oh, my God. And I was like, I'm glad you liked it. And that's great. Food is, like... The most analogous thing, I think, where your body starts like, yeah. You start salivating when you see it. When I was 13, I was at a restaurant with my godmother in Greece, and then she got a bacon and onion.
Pie. with like feta in it and she took a bite and i remember her going this guys this is better than sex and i was 13 and i was so like scandalized i was like oh my god and then i and then i remember eating it being like is this what sex is like and like it really tastes like of cheese yeah yeah it was really good that onion pie and so I had a question but I had a question about your sleep oh everyone let's think of questions for each other yes so
Do you ever find that an orgasm helps you sleep? It's been a minute. But you could do it on your own, too. It's been a minute. I don't feel like... Anything helps me sleep. Right. That is the problem is like actually being in my bed with Stephanie there. is is helpful yeah maybe gives me another extra hour yeah yeah but um oh if stephanie's there you sleep better yeah oh interesting in my bed our bed we always nervous system some people don't
Some people sleep worse if they're partners with them. I know. I've talked to those people and they're like, I have to sleep in a different room and not me. I sleep so much better when I'm in bed with Stephanie. But if I sleep through the night, I am doing leprechaun kicks around town. Do you ever say to Stephanie before bed, get her done, so you can sleep better? Get her done. Get her done.
Have you ever said get her done to your wife? I have not ever said that anywhere in my life. I remember when I was on tour at one point. years ago i guess when that was popular people would yell that out and i was like was that larry the cable guy i guess but i was like i guess i think it was larry the cable guy who just used to say get her done okay i did not know
There was some other thing Paris Hilton said that people were yelling out. Oh, really? They were yelling it to you? Yeah. I remember people at comedy clubs yelling out, that's hot. That's hot. Or, get her done. And I was like... What? You're like, not the right turn. I was like, I don't know what's happening right now. But yeah, get her done. Get her done. And get her done just means like, do the thing. Do the thing. Yeah.
Which could be anything. It really could. All right. In this context, it's onion pie. Yeah. Yeah. But you, if you had to pick, though, between a movie or an orgasm, you'd probably pick the orgasm. Yeah, I'm going orgasm. Yeah. Although, yeah. Oh, I have a question for you. Oh, for me? About orgasms? No, thank you. Do you like, you said you were talking about rich food. What about, I mean, wouldn't frosting?
be rich that's that can be really rich i love it does i love i have a huge sweet tooth i love desserts you know when some people eat a sweet and they're like it's just too rich
Right. That doesn't exist. Okay. But yeah, frosting works. Okay, because it's kind of similar how I don't like a lot of milk in my cereal. Okay. I don't like... dress I like dressing on the side so I can just put a little bit okay I don't like a lot of sauce but you're healthy but this isn't even healthy it's just like I just like sensory almost a hint of that yeah
And I have a sweet tooth as well. Yeah. But if I have a cupcake, I would prefer that it's like a fifth of the frosting is on there. Not me. She prefers the frosting over the cake. And I prefer the cake over the frosting, but I do like the frosting. And Finn's the same way. He's always like, I'm like you, right? I don't like much milk in his cereal. No, I'm like a saucy gal. Yeah.
slather it in things make it more unhealthy make it a little sweetness to the salty the sweet and savory it would be so interesting if you and I like switched eating habits for like a month i would lose like 20 pounds i just i wonder if you would gain i wonder if you would that would be so interesting to do
Or just to switch lives in general. I'd love to experience a week of either of your lives. With your friends, sometimes you're like, well, I know what I would do differently in your life. I have friends who I'm like, let me inhabit.
your brain for a week and I'll fix all your problems what would you do differently about us oh no nothing I just want to experience your life come on pick out something you'd probably be bored of mine no I'd have fun doing both your material you'd hang out with Biggie though I would really want to do your material. Tig and I would get laid.
What? If we were at May's life. Oh, oh, oh, I see. I'd be up all night. And you'd also have to read a bunch of facts. That's true. You'd be in horror escape rooms. Oh, God. orgasms though. That is really... Yeah, but sometimes you'd feel a little sad after. Aw. You know? Buddy. Buddy, you just have a cupcake. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Or lemon pasta. Oh, with caviar. I just really am... Like, do you like green smoothies?
that kind of thing or no I if I'm going to have a smoothie I like you'd also have to be vegan for a month Oh, yeah, that's going to be tough. That'd be tough for me because of the coconut allergy. But see, I would make the food. I would feed you. I would eat that. And you'd make my food.
Yeah. Oh, I'd have to buy your food. I'm not good at making it. I mean, I'm not like a chef or anything. If I'm drinking a smoothie, I like like a almond butter, banana dates, almond milk kind of thing. I would put blueberries in there too. Yeah.
I like that kind of smoothie, but I don't like the ones that taste like vegetables. I remember that Chelsea Handler thing you did where you guys all ate weed at that amazing restaurant, but having been a stoner in the past, like that... food tastes so good when you're and seeing you were all just like we were so high so delighted by each new dish that came out and I think forgetting that there was weed I totally forgot cooked into the food and anyway but I remember like
I was high till noon the next day. Salivating watching it because you were all just like, oh my God. Would you do it again? So high. Yeah, it was fun. Yeah.
That's so funny. Put it on the list. Actually, that would be funny if we did that. That would be really funny. Should we hear what Leslie's answer is? Oh, yeah. Well, for my answer, the most believing thing... or enjoyable thing as an orgasm if not more is taking a shit when you get older when you take a good dump it just feels like you're emptying shit out you know what i'm saying literally yeah
I would almost put that really as on the same level as an orgasm, if not better. Because, oh my goodness. Especially if it comes out all at one time. Like, you don't have to go multiple times. Like, it just comes all out. And you're like, yeah, that sound effect. I hope that's what y'all wanted. Look at her face. I hope that's what y'all wanted. Yeah, that's exactly what we wanted. The sound effect that she did for... Broush. Broush.
oh my god she's a trip oh my god she is so funny and you know her history on snl was no no she um oh she's a writer she was a writer We had the same manager for years, and maybe I'm not understanding or remembering correctly, but I think he really fought for her to be... On the show? And Chris Rock, too. Yeah, but she started doing... Weekend Update? Yeah, Weekend Update. Right, right. And then... was moved to cast member. Right. Yeah. And it's like, she just feels.
like an obvious yeah cast member oh totally you know yeah she's like to hide her in a writer's room also her deadpan what is so good sometimes yeah i heard she just would go up to Lauren and just be like where do you put me on TV you know everyone's like very intimidated by him and she was like when am I going to be on TV that's awesome but that's what I remember that's what I remember about but it
It just seemed like she was just always moving up at that job. I just remember when I started at a comedy store, she was... She's such a force, you know, and she would treat every set like she was going into like a game and she had like a towel in her back pocket and was just like. amping and how i was like is it like a sports game not a board game yeah yeah no like a sports game and i was like
I need to take this more seriously. I really admire that. Yeah, I don't break a sweat. She was there to entertain. It was fun to watch. And she does entertain. She does. And she's not wrong about a post-poo euphoria. that relief especially if you just started dating someone and you're staying at their house and you can't oh yeah what do you do
Grab a kettle? You grab a kettle. No, you can't go nothing to it. You have to hope there's another bathroom that they're not going to walk into. You can't risk it. If you're just staying there, you've got to wait until you leave and then you get home. Oh, man. Sounds like it was... It's too late for Fortune. Sounds like Fortune already did this. You already did this? Oh, yeah. No, it definitely ruins romance. Even now, 10 years in, Jax is like, what? Really? And I'm like...
Sorry. I'm very poo positive. You're poo positive? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Not for myself. If you're at a hotel, I would, in early days... Well, even sometimes now I'll go to the lobby. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You gotta go to the lobby. You do that now. Yeah, sometimes. I think that's considerate. Jax is like, take your business ten floors down. She didn't want that, to be a part of that, and I understand.
I think I get that. She's not excited about that. She's not excited about it. I can't, I don't blame her for that. And how do you feel about her or has she never pooped? Hers really don't. Make a dent. She's a dainty pretty little lady. She's just pure of soul. Yeah, mine are a different...
Well, I mean, you got lemon pasta to get rid of. Yeah, I got to go to the lobby. And icing. You have icing on your lemon pasta. I mean, all that rich, orgasmic food. You're like, I'm going to drive down the road to the Holiday Inn and give them a surprise. Man, I'm trying to reel the, I got a reel. I got too comfortable. You know what I mean?
farts and stuff. I'm trying to reel all that in to be a little bit more. Bring it here instead. Did she sit you down and say listen? No one's really into that romance life. So I'm trying to. I'm trying to grow up in that regard and not be so disgusting. Save that for us. That's for you guys. Thank you for that. You're welcome. Well, this has been a pleasure. Yeah, yeah. Wow. It really has been. And why does Leslie's question and answer not surprise me?
I've never had it be to that level where it's orgasmic. I don't think so. Oh, yeah, yeah. Maybe you're not fully emptying your bowels. Maybe I'm not going Browse Jackson for a surprise if you fully...
Empty your belt. Have you ever had a colonic? I mean, like, I could talk for 20 minutes about that. Have you had a colonic? I got a Groupon. I think I've talked about it on the podcast. I got a Groupon. I did a cheap colonic in a... office building with no roof basically i don't think we did i don't know it sounds familiar the group one's not familiar i thought i was going to be able to like be texting be like
It was excruciating. It was excruciating? Oh, my God. I couldn't text. The woman was like, well, also, she was calling me girl. But I really found it soothing in the moment. I was like, I need that from this way. She kept saying, let it out, girl. Let it out. And I was like, yeah. And then she said, you know, you're going to find it emotional. Emotional? And I said, no, I think I'll be fine. Literally within 20 minutes, I was like.
I'm a drug addict. And she was like, me too. I was like, while you were taking a dog? It was a clotting thing up your butt. You don't need to be yelled at. Okay. I don't know what you two do. This nurse wasn't part of May pooping. Okay, Fortune. She was in there the whole time. Oh, is it a sign of my lack of intelligence? I thought that she just like started you on this path and left you alone. That's what I thought going in. Because I had a chronic once.
And the person... Ooh, me and my colonic. I want to go to, like... Don't feel left out because you haven't had one. You know what, though? We've had one, so... I couldn't digest anything after. So my person got all the stuff up the boat. How dare you? Yeah. Look at that, both of you. Odds falling apart over a colonic. They put the thing up my butt and then left me be. What if Jax heard you say that?
That's what a colonic is. Well, she doesn't want that. But May's person was like. It was so intense. You go go. She was like massaging my stomach. And I could see the stuff coming out through the tube. Yeah, you can see it go through the tube. I want to go to something like. But mine was not painful. Okay, I don't know what's going on with me. Maybe you're a Groupon. I think it was a Groupon issue.
And your nurse was really feeling your energy, too. Yeah, I don't know. And she said, you've got to come back. I'm only... Anyway, but I couldn't go back. Why do you not like this conversation? Huh? I want to do another one. Let's go together. Let's do it. Get that group on the list, Thomas. Flush us out. We need to be handsome everywhere, including our b-holes. Right, Tig? This show sucks, man. Tig! Tig Marie! People were calling you Tig Marie.
When we posted that video on Valentine's Day. Oh, yeah. Because you were a kissing bandit. Oh, people start in my shows now shouting Maymarie. Really? Do they shout fortune Marie? They always shout fortune Marie. People yell fortune Marie to me too. Really? And I don't ever say anything. You don't acknowledge it? Like risque? Well, no, nothing risque. Oh, they just love that you stay there. Thank you. Let's go to commercial. Well, what do you guys have coming up? I'm working out my hour.
So if anyone lives in Irvine, California or Ontario, California. There are people that live there. Those listening, I'll be at those clubs at the improv. Oh, working on those sets and at Huntsville, Alabama as well. And then the big tour starts like April 2nd. savannah georgia did you tell your agent i want to be home for april fools i did say that i know i do not want to leave the family until i gotta go to savannah georgia charleston south carolina albuquerque
Cleveland, Columbus, Baltimore, Pittsburgh. Oh, my gosh. God, there's so many. Greensboro, Roanoke. Take your time. Do you want me to name them all? Hold on. I want to name them all. Oh, my God. Don't you have a website or something? No, you guys, you want to hear this, don't you? Sure. Because nobody's got... I love geography. Nobody's got anywhere to go, right? No. Where else, you guys?
This is insane. This is insane. There's nobody over here, but... Oh, my God. Phoenix. Oh, my God. Oh, Rockford, Illinois. Home of the peaches. And home of Natasha Leggero. Leggero. Is she really? You know about the Rockford Peaches, right? Oh, the baseball? A League of Their Own. Baseball. We are the All-Americans. Something. We cover cities near and far.
League of Their Own is one of my favorite movies of all time. Max and Finn as well. Grand Rapids, Minneapolis, St. Louis, Kansas City, and Lexington, Kentucky. Wait, there's more. Oh, my God. Knoxville, Tennessee and Asheville, North Carolina. God help me. And more being added. Wow. And when those get added, you best believe I'm going to name all the cities.
Tig, are you still with us? Did you fall asleep? How's Biggie? Or did you have an orgasm? Biggie's fine. I'm tonight in New York at the Gramercy Theater and March 9th at the... Forum in Kentish Town in London. England. I'm going to go see Debbie. Oh, I'm going to get a hairdo. I can't believe you come back. Promise me you'll stay. I hope she's that enthusiastic. Are you excited?
to go back to London because you... Oh, she didn't actually say that to you ever. No, no. You're just putting words in her mouth of like, promise me you'll stay. Promise me. Wow. I'm excited but nervous because I kind of...
left without knowing I was moving away from there permanently. Really? Yeah, like I still had my apartment there. I thought you moved knowing you were like, goodbye. I thought I was coming for six months for a writer's room. Fortune turned to you like total girl talk. Like, really? Really?
You're like putting your drink down. Really? Do tell. Give me the hot gauze. I'm nervous to see everyone. My whole... 20s there you know so because you haven't been back since i haven't been back in a couple years now no way yeah wow so it's gonna be wow like so many of my best friends are there but And they're like, they might not recognize you. We haven't heard from you in two years. I know. That's really how I'm feeling.
Are there any old flames we're excited to see? Lots of old flames. Yes, I am actually excited to see some old flames. Are we going to be texting people? Oh, I'm texting. Okay. Well, because there are a lot of people there who are good, good friends who are also Old Flames. And it'll be nice to see them. Wow. It sounds like someone's going to be... Doing well. Taking a dough with an onion pie.
Taking a dump. Taking a big old steaming dump. Mays just be shitting all over London. God. Bring your kettle. Well, that sounds great. I love that you're on your music tour. It's awesome. Get your tickets. Get your tickets. Go see May. Did you name all the cities? You can get your phone out too. There's only two. Oh, okay. Because you've already done some of them. I've done two already. And there's two.
All right. What about you, Tig? I'm not on a music tour. Do you need to get out your phone to look at cities? No, I'm just going to be right here in Los Angeles. Okay. Hanging out with my adorable little family in Kitty City. And working on new material. You know, I bounce between Largo and Dynasty Typewriter. All the dates are on my website, tignotaro.com. Also, we are live streaming our show. from Austin, Texas on April 12th. And you can stream that from anywhere in the world.
Go to handsomepod.com and get your tickets. Yeah. It's going to be a crazy big show. I'm excited. Yeah. It's going to be off the hizzy. Like 3,000 people. And then, yeah, it's going to be really fun. So please. watch parties. You are a little cowboy going to Texas. Oh my god, I didn't even think of that. Have you been to Texas before? I slept in a... Well, we should tap dance to that. But...
I one time slept in a windowless room in the airport of Houston Airport. You could rent it within the terminal. Oh, that's nice. And guess what the room was called? Little Cowboy. Little Cowboy Room. Nuh-uh. I swear to God. I swear to God. This is recent. I took a video of the door to prove it. Wow. Yeah, because we need proof. So this is your first proper visit to Texas. Yes, it is. Austin's a good one. Yes, ma'am. Austin is a good one to go to.
I've lived in Texas. I lived in the Houston area, Dallas area. Did you like it? Look, I made a lot of really good friends. I've lived so many places. I have so many. friends that i've made and you know it's hard to keep up with everyone you know with stand up and touring and jobs and moving around in different cities. But yeah, I had really fun little windows of time for a year or two here and there in different cities and towns and Austin.
It was a big moment for me in my life because I had just come out and I moved right to Austin and just gated up. The original little cowboy. Yeah. We're here for a good time, not for a long time. Yeah. I would order you some Texas barbecue. I don't want to have meat in the green room. Well, let's go out for it after. Yeah. I don't want to. Take that somewhere else. I will have little broccoli sprout smoothies. There you go. Texas has great. Uh, tacos, too. Oh, great. Yeah, yeah. I want it all.
What about lemon pasta? Yum. I don't think they're known for lemon pasta. Well, actually, Austin's food scene's really... Really good. Breakfast burritos there. Oh, the breakfast tacos and burritos there are delish. Yeah, yeah. Yes. Oh, my gosh. Anyway. So Texas, then the colonic. That's right. Then you're going to orgasm your brain out. Yeah. And cry about it. God, what another app. Another great app. No, sorry. I said.
Yeah, I love you too. You love what? I love being together. You missed it. Me too. Yeah, this is so nice. Oh, these are nice hands. Thank you. You're right, Tig. Well, I guess. Oh, tell your friends. If you like our show, share an episode. Okay. Tell your friends how good we are. And until next time, keep it handsome.
Handsome is hosted by me, Mae Martin, Tig Notaro, and Fortune Feimster. The show is produced, recorded, and edited by Thomas Ouellette. Email us at handsomepod at gmail.com. And please follow us on social media at handsomepod. What a podcast! What a podcast! That was a hate gum podcast. That was a hate gum podcast.
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