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Good afternoon and welcome to an episode of the Handsome Pod. Thanks for joining us. As always, I'm Mae Martin, joined by... Fortune Famester. And I am your dear, dear friend Tig Notaro and we are all here. We are the handsome headquarters individually. Yeah. Do not mistake this for a pretty little episode because we're all three here. That's right. Yeah. The handsome headquarters is a
A spiritual place, really, rather than a physical place. You know, we've all stepped into the handsome portal right now when we heard the theme song. And there's no bears in the portal. Portal. Portal. We ain't got no bears in this portal. No, we don't. Are our souls connected right now? Do we feel... Do you feel it? Do we feel the connection? I do. Yeah. Yeah, that's pretty sexy. I bet you in the future they're going to prove that that's a thing.
So that's a thing. Not us specifically. They're going to do a big study. There are scientists working on this right now to see if... The handsome souls are in fact connected. And twined. Except when we get into our huge fights. You would not want to see that. Do not get me started. Do not. Oh, yes. It's a lot of like, don't you dare. Oh, yeah, fortune. And it brings back terrible memories to see your finger wag like that. Don't.
don't dare dare but do that but i still feel like even when we're like wrestling and biting each other because we will. We'll like bite each other's cheeks and pull each other's hair. Yeah, all bets are off. Kick each other in the knees. I still feel like our souls are connected. for sure yeah that's the most connected then actually Yeah, we're biting each other's cheeks yeah we're animalistically get it out of our systems we need that purge and then we're back on track
Did you guys ever get in tumbles like that with, you had brother, a brother. You had brother. You had brother, had two. Yeah, mate, you have one brother, right? Yeah, I have brother. Yeah, brother. Yeah, we all have brother. Man, we would get into brawls. Oh, right. They gave me some thick skin because, boy. that people have asked what Have a little I don't think you can see it. There's a little
fingernail like indention. Is that the word? Is the nail still in there? In my forehead right here. When the sun hits it a certain way, you can see the mark, but it's my brother's. fingernail that went to my forehead when we were kids. What was happening? We were finally like, don't you ever. Oh. We would punch. Really? And what would prompt it? Like, what would set you off? Whatever fights kids get into. Did you ever, to protect yourself, put a bonnet on?
My mom put a vomit on me. It was not by my choice. But did it keep your beatings at bay? No. I would think that would incite more beatings. Did you see my Easter photo? Yeah. What? Did you see the photo I put up at Easter? Of me in a bonnet?
yeah on instagram yeah i don't think i did i haven't called you out saying you were gonna be jealous look at that if you're if you're on youtube you can see it or go on instagram it's fortune looking like a little angel wearing a bonnet I can't imagine someone Starting to fight with that person, yeah. I didn't get beat up around that age. It was more when I got to be like 10 or something. Yeah, yeah. Would you ever instigate? Would you start? Oh, yeah. Really? Come on.
I would stick my middle finger up at my brother and be like, Mom, Price gave me the bird. She'd be like, Price. And I'd be like, Suck it. And then he'd be like. Well, bam! Fingernail coming to the forehead. Now, speaking of brothers, my brother texted me while we were on. And he said, you have made it. You made it, he said. And this looks like it's from The Simpsons. It says Vig Notaro at the top. Oh my god. Wow, that's awesome. But what is it? It looks like... It's like a Vegas type of like ad.
It looks like a... Or billboard. A sports stadium there. Like you're one of the performers. but if they're using oprah see if you if you're on youtube you can see they've used oprah's real name but they turned mine into vig notaro i guess i'm gonna have funny though They thought you were going to sue or something. Look at you. I know. It's not even me.
But it is. To be featured on The Simpsons, that's massive. I would frame that. I got to do a voice on The Simpsons and that was the greatest day of my life. Oh, you did do a voice? Yeah. What did you do? I played... The girlfriend of Marge's sister. And they describe me as like a female Homer. Oh my god. It was pretty cool. Marge's sister, that's the twins, right? Yeah, I can't remember the name of one of the twins.
so they have like out gay yeah out gay character maybe that's why i haven't been back because we're like we'll just have the lesbian in one episode that's iconic though i went on that in the episode they go to Costa Rica And she brings her lesbian girlfriend, me, who is just like Homer. Oh, my God. Did you say dope? I think I had me. It's been a minute, but I think it was like real Southern. I think it was even more southern than I usually am. You didn't have to drop your voice.
know what's going on. No, I think it was like kind of like the southern sort of thing. And did they draw the character to look like you? that's alarming i think they put like a little bit of like you record first And then they give you sort of an idea of what the character's going to look like. And then they might do some stuff around the mouth, maybe. I can't remember exactly. And then you go back in and try to, like, match.
If they have some tweaks on lines, you try to match it with the mouth that they've already drawn. I think that The Simpsons probably influenced global sense of humor more than many other shows. It was one of the first shows that did those hard cuts to the payoff of the joke you know what i mean like yeah or it's like well that would never happen and then hard cut to that thing happening yeah like yeah and they predicted like a ton of stuff they've been around so long
I think they like would make these like wild predictions and then so many things have come true. Yeah. Like trying to examine. you were gonna ask i don't have examples but they're just always posting like predicted this predicted that yeah they predicted uh oprah's sports book club and you're changing your name to Vig. Vig Notaro. Vig.
And so because it's animation, they must have made this a long time ago, right? No, they still do animation. I know, but doesn't it take a long time to make animation? Also, look at the picture of me. Or whoever this Vig Notaro is. Is that me? The Joker. yeah i can't tell if i have a mustache or a joker mouth it's like a howard stern joker i know i was gonna say i need to ask my brother or if
Thomas, you want to do some Simpson Googling? Oh, here. Okay. Thomas just wrote, after a baseball superstar decides to play for Springfield, Isotope Stadium is soon cluttered with garish ads for betting apps such as Bookie Monster, Carrot Top's Prop Bets, and perhaps most cleverly, Vignotaro. Wait, so you and Karen Top? So you're a sports bookie. Oh, a vig is the cut you give a bookie. That's what that means, I guess?
Oh. So is it not me? I don't understand what's happening. I think it's a playoff of your name. Uh-huh. But it's, um, Vig is... Thomas is saying the cut, you give a bookie. So they're doing a playoff of your name and that. Okay. I'm saying that you have like a betting app. And then Thomas, where did you get this information other than Google? Like, what is this? I don't even understand. This is a recap of the episode from crack.com.
Oh, okay. And did this episode just come out? Yeah, it looks like it just came out this season. Of course, my brother's still watching The Simpsons. God, I used to draw Bart Simpson when I was like in... sixth grade. Oh, like that was one of the things you could draw? Yeah. Did you walk around in a shirt that said, don't have a cow, man? No, but there were plenty. A lot of people at my school did. Don't eat my shorts. Eat my shorts. What a sweet gig that has been for those actors.
I know, right? How are you guys doing otherwise? You're wearing a beautiful pink hoodie there, Fortune. What does it say? Oh, yeah. I just grabbed a hoodie. It's my special. It's my own merch. Check out Fortune Famers. It's my special crushing it. I just grabbed it from my closet and didn't realize how pronounced these words were. Crushing it. I just like pink. I'm a...
Did you guys know that pink's one of my favorite colors? Yeah, I think I did know that and I respect it a lot. Thank you. I like pink. yeah it's sort of in my special i wore you know a pink suit so this merch was a nod to that do you guys want to know a fact of course that's why we're here Scientists have just discovered that the color purple does not exist. Our brains have just... I escaped. I started choking.
No, the color itself, our brains have invented that color. Don't ask me any follow-up questions, but how fucked up is that? Some people would say that's their favorite color. And we're all on the same page. I don't know. Making it up blue and something else, right? It's supposed to be blue and yellow. Thomas, could you Google it? I'm glad Prince wasn't allowed around to hear this.
Okay, purple is a color that falls between blue and red on the color spectrum. Yeah, we know that. It's a mix of the two primary colors, red and blue. Yeah, we know that. Yeah, we know that. Purple is not a spectral color, meaning it's not a color that can be found in the rainbow. or directly emitted by a light source. Instead, it's a color that the brain creates when it receives information from both red and blue wavelengths simultaneously. I am...
Speechless. That's freaking wild. I'm speechless that you call it simultaneously. Wait, what would you say? Simultaneously? Simultaneously? Yeah. What do you say, Fortune? Simultaneously? Really? Yeah. Little cowboy says simul. I'd say, if it was a Y, I'd say simul. Okay, how do you call somebody named Simon? Simon? Simon. Oh, you got me there. Yeah, Simon. Thomas, can you say simultaneously? Well, and he has a brother named Simon. Simon.
simultaneously. Wait, what? So this isn't even a Canadian thing? How have you never heard this? How has no one corrected me before? I don't know. simultaneously here's another word that um i feel like i heard fortune say the same way i do and whenever i say it this way people lose their minds how do you how do you pronounce Oh, and I don't know if I can spell it. M I S C 8. E-V-I-O-U-S Mischievous? Yeah. How do you say the word? Mischievous. Yeah. Thomas, how do you say it? Mischievous.
I say mischievous. Hey, that's a good drug name, mischievous. It sure is. Or mischievous words as well. mischievous and introducing simultaneous yeah only recently in my adult life have people been saying mischievous why are you what huh when you're a kid you don't really say the word because you are the word like you're not going around going i'm so mischievous but when you're an adult you say look at that mischievous
I stand by mischievous. I stand by simultaneous. What did I say first? I forgot. You said mischievous. Okay, there you go. Yeah. yeah maybe it's a southern thing yeah i don't know yeah maybe Wow. We're exhausted. I know. I'm always so scared we're going to lose to say. Yeah. I have. I kind of have too. Yeah, I'm done. I'm done. This is it. Well, it's been a good run. It really has. What kind of music are you guys into? No, I want to say thank you so much to everyone who listened to Handsome.
Oh, it's so sad. It's so sad. Would you cry? No. Oh my god, how cold. You would cry? Yeah. Yeah, I would. No, you wouldn't. Yes, I would. I think I would. I think I was okay with it, and then when the time came to say goodbye, I'd be like... A day? Not like the whole day. Sobbing in bed for a day. But Tig, you're working your way through friends, right?
I am. That final episode of Friends. It's not like you're working your way through actual people. No. No, no. But that final episode, they are crying for real, and it is a heartbreak. Don't ruin it for Tig. What a spoiler. The very last Friends episode? Yeah, the characters are crying, but you can tell the actors are also crying. It's their final scene. It really gets me every time, and I do revisit it.
Really? Well, they spent a lot of time together. That was the days of 24 episodes, right? Yeah. For 10 years or something. 10 years. Yeah, that's a lot of time with people and a lot of money. you Some people just know they could save hundreds on car insurance by checking Allstate first. Like you know to check that your dog's feet don't get too hot when you take them for a walk on a sunny summer's day.
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life. Hungryroot.com slash handsome code handsome. I want to do more live shows. Yeah, me too. That would be fun. Really want to do more live shows.
Yeah, and I want to do more in-person as well. It's hard to get together. Oh, in-person in the studio together. Yeah, it's been hard because we've... we've had a lot going on a lot of work a lot of personal stuff and then so um as soon as we can be back in the studio together or do more live shows man will that be great I'd like to also introduce some new segments like...
secrets and lies or something or not that but like or like truth truth truth truth and lie like two truths and a lie or something two against one yeah a little intrigue yeah Why don't we get started? Okay, welcome to Secrets and Lies. I'm gonna say... One truth and one lie, and then you say what is true, okay? Where's the secret? The secret? is actually the prize is i'm gonna tell you a secret oh i don't know i haven't thought this through you're gonna tell everyone the secret
I'm freaking out now. I haven't thought this yet. a truth and a lie yeah let's call it secrets and lies and then and then it then you i don't know i got lost but then did you see may freak out as soon as They were like, and then I'll tell you a secret. Oh, God. Okay. My neck got really red. Okay, let's hear a secret and a lie.
No, we got rid of the secrets. Oh boy, this game is... I know. This is probably why we should think about this stuff before, but we'll figure it out as we go. Whatever, we're here. Let's hear a truth and a lie, Mae. And queer. Okay. Truth and a lie. One of these is true. One of them is a lie. Yeah. Number one. like you were had it on lock ready to go I know I know okay number one I saw Cher eating breakfast In a hotel lobby. Okay. Number two, I was in an elevator with Tom Cruise and he sneezed.
The second was a lie. Absolutely. You're right, because obviously the first thing I would have told you guys when we started this podcast was... You would never stop talking about it. Yeah. Never. The shirt I was wearing. Yeah. Never stop talking about. He or a rare signing. And also, back up, nobody would have let you in an elevator with Tom Cruise. Yeah, you're right. Good point. Yeah. Guarding it.
crew would have been so on it. They're not going to let a little cowboy in there, especially if he's got the sniffles. Yeah, you're right. I'm in an elevator once in Australia with Caroline Kennedy. Oh yeah. And her security guard. Rise up lights. Rise of lights. Were they eyeing you? They have their, they were looking around. One time I went with my friend to a, here's something I haven't told you guys. I went with my friend to a, yeah, to like a little petting zoo in Australia. And we,
What's with Australia? Well, that's what made me think of it. Oh, fans out there. Oh, by the way, Toni Collette, your friend. Ripped on my Australian accent on the handsome page. She did. Yeah. What did she say? She wrote, that's the worst Australian accent I've ever heard or something like that. Something funny like that. But if she were to say it.
She would have said, that's the worst Australian accent to me in the head. Oh my god. Did people take her joke seriously? Well, I can't look at her and people laughed. I think people liked it, yeah. So one time I went to this petting zoo in Australia with my friend and we wanted to get near. We're in Australia. Down under. Just outside of Sydney. Yeah, right down under. Yeah.
And we wanted to get close to the goats, and so we actually climbed over a fence. It was this rainy day, and we went and we're petting these goats. And then later on, we were in the sort of entrance area, and one of the women who worked there said, Like, are you having a nice day? And we were like, yeah. And then she goes, I heard there were two sus young boys trying to touch the goat.
She was describing me and him as sus young boys. He was in his 40s and I was myself. Two sus young boys. Watch out for the goat. Yeah. Wow. That's great. I love that you were climbing a fence to try to get to the goat. Wait, aren't we gonna hear a truth and a lie from Fortune? Oh, God. Oh, sure. I don't even know. Do you have one in the barrel? Um, yes. I, um... I didn't get a cell phone until I was 33. And I... Don't like the smell of incense.
Both of those could be true. It was the single of July. 33. I'm just trying to do the... I'm trying to remember. It was around, what, 2002, 2003 people were getting phones. Telephones. I'm going to say the first one's a lie. And you're saying the second one's a lie, Fortune? Mm-hmm. The first one is a lie. Oh, yes. You got it at, what, 31? No, I was 29 when I got a cell phone. I think my first cell phone was my senior year of college. But I don't know why I got one. No one else had one.
Really? You were the first? Yeah. And you had no one to call? No one, except my mom, like a landline. I don't know why I got one, and I didn't have that much money. oh my god when cell phones first came out remember it was like you're paying for minutes and it's like i gotta go click Yeah. For sure. I went over my minutes. Oh, yeah. And it was expensive if you went over your minutes. I had a beeper. I did. When I was a sophomore and junior in college.
I got a Bieber because I was an RA. What's RA? The resident assistant of a dorm. So like you were kind of in charge of a hall. Of course you were. Yeah. That's a fault.
fully formed character in my head you got deeper you're an aria you're fortune well because what i would do is you some of those people probably listen to this so this is funny but for me but you're supposed to as an art a part of your job was you had to like once a week you couldn't leave your room all night and then one weekend a month you couldn't leave campus
because you were like in charge so i would write on you had like little boards that you could write on you know um i would write like doing rounds which because you were supposed to like go around campus and check on things here's my beeper number if you need me. And I would like go to IHOP with my friends. And like do whatever. So if I got the thing, I would just go to the payphone and call and be like, I'm by the cafeteria. What's up?
Really? Is this a role you volunteered for? No, you got paid. What kind of cash? What are we talking about? Friends money? Minimum wage back then. i wouldn't do it obviously all the time but occasionally what like five bucks an hour yeah something like that and you um you got your own room you didn't have to have a roommate that was oh that's worth it That's a big perk. So I did it for two years, but yeah, I'm like, here's my beeper. Let me know.
Then I got a cell phone, but I wasn't an RA anymore. When I moved to Spain, everyone had a cell phone there. Everyone. So they caught on over there first. And everyone and their mother texted. Because it was way cheaper than calling. And I just remember telling my friends back home, like, everyone has a cell phone here and they text. And they're like, they what? And I'm like, text. They're like.
they had no it was like such a foreign thing to us i remember the first time i got a text i was just minding my own business in my house in venice california and my phone popped up with a message on it and i was i was so spooked and i didn't know straight to bed i i was so confused and spooked i was like what is happening with my phone and it was coming from a friend, but I didn't know how they got a message written on my phone. It was very alarming. Take me back! I swear!
Should we get a question, see who our question asker is today? Mm-hmm. 100. Today's question asker is an Emmy-winning TV and podcast host. comedian, hairstylist, and a New York Times bestselling author, best known as one of the co-hosts of Queer Eye on Netflix. Their latest book is a young adult novel titled Let Them stare. Jonathan Van Ness is asking today's question. It's criminal. We haven't had JVN on before. I can't believe JVN, they're the perfect guest. And we're all known for our hair.
Right? Right, guys? Are we? Are we all known for our hair? Mine's called the Tigwag. Oh, okay, yeah. Hi Handsome, it's Jonathan Van Ness and my question is... If you could switch places with anyone, oh my god, I haven't shaken out my curls yet. Oh, nice curls. Don't mind me. If you could switch places with anybody, who would you switch with and why? Those curls were popping. Popping curls.
Wow. Do you think your curls would do that, Fortune? Well, Jonathan has much more hair than me. Right. Those long, luscious locks. If I had somebody do it, I could probably get the Little House on the Prairie. Or like a Shirley Temple. Yes, yes, yes, please. Yeah, you have to like scrunch my hair and diffuse it to get the real tight curls. Yeah.
Oh, man, that's a great question, though. What a ray of sunshine in the world, too, Jonathan. Yeah, I remember that first season of Queer Eye that we were all kind of introduced to. jvn and just being like who is this charismatic amazing person um I know my answer. You guys gymnastics too. Oh yeah, yeah. With those curls bopping around. Yeah. That's amazing. Isn't that wild? That would be hard. Like balance beams and stuff like that. Yeah. If we could switch places with anyone.
Yeah, May has an answer. Okay. Harry Styles. And I'll tell you why. Just for a day? Because having tried to play music on stage with a band and stuff, I just...
The way he moves his body effortlessly and is so... handsome and sings so well i didn't even know until i heard this question that i'm what a fan of harry styles i am but it turns out i am and yeah and i would just love to to be in a big stadium playing those songs and like moving like that and seeing all the signs and and how fun that would feel yeah
Seems fine. I can see that parallel. Cool tattoos. I don't know how to move my body when I'm playing the guitar. I just stand like a statue at the mic. Oh yeah, Harry's got... Some moves. I mean, yes. He's out there with that, you know, those tight pants and that big butterfly tattoo and his little vest. Yeah. Just making everyone go wild. Show some skin like that. So confident, you know? Yeah, he does seem very comfortable in his own skin and just like he is who he is.
That's that. Yeah. I like him too. Me too. He's got a mustache right now. I love a mustache. Yeah. Love a mustache. So you might like that too. Thomas, don't ever shave that thing off. Don't ever change, Thomas. This episode of Handsome is brought to you by Graza. my new favorite olive oil. It's fresh, it's never blended, and it comes from a single type of olive, the picule, straight out of high-end Spain, where over half the world's olive oil is produced.
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T-H-R-I-V-E market.com slash handsome. Thrivemarket.com slash handsome. Who would you switch places with? This is a different way in I think to the question, but I would... Switch places. And are we talking about really switching places like Harry Styles would be you? Or do you just get to be Harry Styles for a day? oh my god would harry styles be doing the handsome part with us i did not even think about that oh my god yeah like freaky friday style yeah he's like interesting
I just did an Australian accent for Harry. Interesting point. Let me tell you about my story. I think there's some Australians that would... Beg to differ that you did an Australian accent. Harry Styles accent. Harry's got kind of... It's like part American now, but... Harry. I love singing. I love music. I'm doing like the Beatles kind of but I don't know.
Okay. Wait, what's your different way in, Peg? Well, you know, I think I have had, as time has gone on, I've had more and more questions for my mother. And so I would say I'd want to switch places with my mother so I could get to know her better and get some answers about her and myself and her life. that I could take away because I remember hearing somebody say, you know, you should interview your parents or loved ones while you still can. And I wish I had been able.
to interview my mother so instead of that i would like to be her for a day and would you choose a particular time in her life I think... in her older years just because I would have a lot of questions and also if she switched places with me she could meet Stephanie and Max and Finn Aww. That's really nice. That's so sweet. Yeah, it's true. I just... I wish she could have met them. But anyway, so yeah, I think that I would switch places with her to get to know her in a way that I just...
Just can't? Yeah, like see what it feels like to be her moving through the world. And gain the information about her that I just didn't know or think of, you know, when she was alive, you know? Yeah, in this version, when you become her, you... You have access to all her memories and everything and brain. That's cool. I like that. Yeah. Yeah. I wonder how long we're switching places. I think one day. One day, okay. Are you going to choose Peggy? oh that would be the simplest day ever
You'd have a penis, though. Ew. You'd have not only a penis, but a dog penis. There'd be hair all over it. A little lipstick. I think it'd be scary to be a dog because, like, you're at the mercy of everyone else. Yeah, that would give me too much anxiety, though. He's over here just living his best life.
You also have to just be okay with who adopted you. That's the other weird thing. They're good to you. I mean, he's got a pretty cush life. That's true about life anyway, though. Between the two of us.
i mean we spoil him rotten yeah well that's a really good one i like that tag well thank you i don't want to switch places with my grandmother but i would like her to answer if she was a lesbian uh-huh I can answer that for her oh my god maybe you could say this because I did that um you know that Tyler Henry medium show yeah yeah and he said that like someone in my lineage was gay and that me being out and proud was like
that they felt like proud that like i'm like living the life they couldn't and i'm like was that my grandma I think you should switch places with Tyler Henry. Oh, that seems so stressful. You can talk to all our people. You need to get a notepad. I like Otome Brown on Ghost. It's too much. I'll be like, Ghost. Remember, she'd be like, leave me alone. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. Leave me alone. Leave me alone. I'm trying to just, I'm just trying to make money. Get out of here.
I would like to switch places with him. He seems exhausted after those readings. I know, I saw in that reality show he made, he would sometimes After he's doing all those readings, he just go to bed, lie in bed for it. I believe it, because there are all these people trying to get in, telling stuff, and it's heavy, you know, everyone's crying.
Yeah, I don't want to switch places with him, but I appreciate what he does. But yeah, I would like to ask my grandma that, but I don't want to, I don't think she'd have enough fun for me to switch for the day. I want to go big, like someone whose life is wild. like an oprah Whoa, Mick Jagger! That's a wild one. I'm an epic jagger. When? Can I tell you that? A couple months ago. What?
At a party, I was like, it was after- after the Oscars I was like you were funny he goes hey thanks i can't do the accent no you can't and nor can you do the face no that was a crazy mcjogger but you know he's like I'm at Keith Richards! I can't believe this!
Wait, why did you say he was funny? He presented at the Oscars and he was okay he was funny and he was like yeah so we had like a fun little moment he like was like right on like laughed and it was like i can't believe i just talked to mick jagger that's crazy yeah I mean, yeah, if you could do like, what about like someone today living today to switch? to live their lives today. He is living today. Oh no, sorry, I know. He is alive. He's in his 80s and he still runs around the city.
stage like he's Harry Styles. He's rocking hard. Oprah's life. She's got like a chef and she's in Montecito and like then you could just zoom all your famous friends all day and then like donate a bunch of money to charity and like I could just make a world of good a difference in a day. Oh, you just donate a bunch of money to people. Have dinner with, like, someone, like, famous. Like, I don't know. Yeah. Zoom people. Just, like, go through her phone and just start.
FaceTime people. Yeah, that would be good. FaceTime people. Have a chef make something amazing. Check in on Gail. Gale's in space. She's like, I gotta call you back. And Oprah probably knows a lot of secrets. oh yes she does i'd find out everyone's secrets everyone tells oprah everything yeah you trust you see yeah yeah i think i would be into that That's a really good answer. Yeah, I think we all had good ones. Should we hear what all JVN has to say? Yes, please. Better not be my mother.
And my answer is, Stormy, Kylie's daughter. That Birkin collection is next level. And she, I mean, it seems like everyone in their family has to get a job somehow. I bet Kylie wouldn't make her cheesy one too. I would love for Kylie to be my mom and have so many Birkins and for like Chris to be my grandma and have like so many fun cousins. and just be like three or four again. So I feel like she's probably having so much fun. Okay, that's what I would say. Love you guys. Bye.
I will say I have watched the Kardashian show on Hulu. And those kids are living the life for sure. To be a rich four-year-old is actually the best idea ever. Just bossing people around. Are they bossing people around? No. I was saying they could, but Kris Jenner does seem like a really fun grandma.
Yeah. She just like rent sprinter vans and takes them on hayrides and there's like treats everywhere i mean i can see the appeal of this life i could do that for you i could rent a sprinter van and get treats and take you on a hayride okay Yeah, and I could be your grandmother. Come on, bitch. Put it on the list, Thomas. I'm going to take fortune on a hayride and a sprinter fan. Please. What were they saying about Merkins? Berkins.
Okay, that makes more sense. A merkin is quite different. You want to explain it to our listeners? A merkin is like a... Fake pube wig. Yeah. I thought that was weird. I thought that was weird. Like, why has she got a bunch of them? The fact that the Stormy for real have Birkins, because, you know, those are, like, tend to, like... 10,000 minimum. And that's rare. What are they? Birkins? Birkins are Hermes bags, like very high end, very difficult to buy. You have to get like invited to.
Even look at them. I'm not shocked that... That Stormy's got access to those. I'll be honest, I've never heard of Stormy, but it's fun to hear about. Yeah, it's Kylie Jenner's kid with, I believe, Travis Scott. And is she, like, people talk about Stormi? I think the Kardashian-Jenner folks are talked about in pop culture often. Incessantly. Well, they're kind of like... like pop culture royalty and like stormy is i guess the heir to that heir to the throne and you know kylie is um
Kylie's like a gazillionaire. Her makeup line is like worth a billion dollars. Why aren't we in the makeup phase? I'm saying this as if Tig's going to go, yeah, I knew that. So Stormy is also heir to a large fortune. God, I hope my lip tint company takes off. You do need to get that lip tint going. I met Kim, or not Kim, the mom. Chris. Chris, yeah, years ago at Heather McDonald's house. Oh yeah!
I find her really sexy, Kris Jenner. Go for her. She's actually really very nice and personable. I've met her a couple of times, and she's always been nothing but nice. They're fascinating. Yeah, I find them really likable on the show. I met her when she was with... Bruce? I mean, yeah. But I guess Caitlin was Bruce at that point. Yeah, at that time, Bruce. Yeah. Were they nice to you?
Yeah, very. There was a joke on Sarah Silverman, I think, at one point about me looking like Bruce Jenner. And then when I met... And shared that there I was in the arms of Bruce Jenner. That's very funny. Yeah. I wouldn't mind being JVN for a day, to be honest, to have that level of, I mean, I'm sure. They don't have that level of energy all the time, but man, what a nice vibe. What do you suppose the energy is the other times?
Well, I'm just thinking about myself and when I'm alone in my house sometimes my face just melts into like nothing and I'm just sitting down. Would y'all want to be a three or four year old for a day again? um i remember when i first got my double mastectomy i was hanging out with my yeah my uh friend my very closest friend at the time and we were just like
When I say we were rolling around in bed, it wasn't romantic. But he and I were just like hanging out, lying in bed, laughing so hard. And I had like a... tight t-shirt on and it was the first time like after my surgery had healed and I was just like in this really clear It was just clearly a better place than I had been in a long time and I felt eight years old.
and you know just having no boobs a t-shirt on and laughing with my best friend until we were crying and it was like the first sign of hope in 2012 for me you know um so that when i think i i never have felt like oh i want to be a kid or oh i i don't have an issue with growing older but when i think about that one little moment in time i'm like uh That took me back to... There was something fun about that. It would be fun.
fun but also like to actually be four but it would so depend on the on the environment and people you're around because you're such a helpless little nugget you got like yeah four years old going to disney for the first time with some kind adult would be great But four years old, you know. I don't have the best memory back then, like, especially when I was like little, little.
I had like little pieces of things, especially like around like age four or five. Do you guys have good memories of that? I feel like I have a lot of memories, yeah. Really? It's a real mixed bag of good and bad for me. I can't barely remember. Yeah, not necessarily all good, but I have a lot. Like, I remember it. I remember it happened. Yeah. I know for sure it happened. I went through it. Yeah. And we don't have, I don't have, like, a ton of pictures.
You know, video cameras were not as prevalent. I wish I had video footage of me more as a kid. Same, actually. I have none, yeah. are gonna think maybe fortune's ai like there's no like if you're like i don't have any record of myself before yeah it turns out yeah most of my childhood photos My mother had been in a car accident and broke like every bone in her body. And so she couldn't raise her arm.
very high and when she would take a picture it would like her arm would jerk down and it would just I would always tease her because My childhood was just like a picture with my foot in the corner. Like I was just running by and she missed me. My mom would always cut at least one or two people out of the photo without fail. And usually it was the person you wanted to take a picture with. If you met someone famous or something.
she would like inevitably accidentally cut them out and why would she what was she doing with scissors and the like what No, like when she's taking the picture. Oh, I thought you meant like after it was developed. No, no. When she was taking it. There was a roll of film back then. You didn't get to see what you were taking. No sign that whatever happened ever. And we'd be so excited and get the pictures back. We're like, mom!
It's just Mickey Mouse's one big ear. Yeah. I told you I'm bad at this. When you switch places with your mom, you can, for that day, take so many photos with a proper arm. Yes, indeed. No, Tig will have the bad arm still. I don't know, but we'll have the consciousness of, like, let me try to lift my shoulder up more. Oh, maybe, yeah, you'll prop it up on, yeah. Well, um... I have to be honest. That was a good time.
I gotta be real with you guys. That was a great time. Oh my gosh. Did you enjoy yourself? Biggie's on camera. Fully naked. He just asked if I planned to switch places with him because he wanted to know. He'll be doing this podcast with Harry Styles. Oh, I got to see another. It's my mother, Harry Styles. And who is yours, Fortune? Uh, Oprah. Oprah. Thank God, I would subscribe so fast. I hope Oprah gives some of our fans a car. Me too. Hi, Biggie. Look at that precious face.
He's sweet. Does anyone have anything going on? Coming up. I got these three tour shows doing, playing my album, I'm a TV and some new songs as well and telling stories in Portland and San Francisco and Vancouver around June 10th. 12th and 13th, but check out maymartinmusic.com for tickets. And I'm at Largo as well, once a month doing new material with guests. So check that out. June 14th, Eureka Springs, Arkansas, P-Town on August 23rd. And other than that, check out...
The documentary that I produced called Come See Me in the Good Light, it's making its rounds at festivals and killing it real hard. Go to tignotaro.com for all my show information. I'm working out material at Largo and Dynasty Typewriter, and all the information is right there online. Fortune, what's going on with you? I'm June 5th. I'm at St. Louis, Missouri, then I'm Kansas City, Missouri, Wichita, Kansas, Vegas, Lexington.
Knoxville, Asheville, then we added some fun new ones like in Houston, D.C., Chicago, Boston. You can go to fortunefemester.com. for those tickets and come hear me talk about some biscuits And then, well, a bunch of you guys, we posted on our Instagram asking where you guys wanted us to come to a live show at some point. And we got a crazy amount of comments.
we'll have to look into that and yeah put that on the books at some point come see you man i love our live shows i love them so much i want to keep doing them and again share your favorite episodes with people that have never listened to the podcast, friends, family, neighbors, coworkers.
and help build the handsome community, because it's a fun one. Stay tuned for more segments like the one I did. Yeah, we're going to come up with some amazing segments. Yeah, we're going to come up with something better. Over 2,300 comments of people telling us where to go. There's not even that many towns and cities in the world. All right. Well, until next time, shall we keep it handsome?
Handsome is hosted by me, Mae Martin, Tig Notaro, and Fortune Feimster. The show is produced, recorded, and edited by Thomas Ouellette. Email us at handsomepod at gmail.com and please follow us on social media and some pod. What a podcast! That was a HeadGum Podcast. Some people just know they could save hundreds on car insurance by checking Allstate first.
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Northbrook, Illinois. But crispy strips are now at McDonald's. Tender, juicy, and its own sauce. Would you look at that? Well, you can't see it, but trust me, it looks delicious.