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This content is intended for audiences in the U.S. only. Savings vary. Terms apply. All state fire and casualty insurance company and affiliates. Northbrook, Illinois. This is a HeadGum Podcast. Hi, Handsome listeners. My name's Thomas, and I produce Handsome. So, for the holidays, Tig, Fortune, and May wanted to cook up a little Handsome surprise for you all. This is Handsome's Greatest Hits, Volume 1. Cheers!
Today's first clip is from our Sarah Paulson episode. The hosts were talking about comedians and whether they're in general more dark and disturbed than the average person. And that led to conversation about button makers and well... you can probably guess the rest, but just listen. It kind of reminds me of when people like to say that You know, when you say, oh, I'm a comedian, and they say, oh, gosh, that's such a dark world, and everybody's so depressed.
And I just feel like comedians are at a microphone and are on a stage. So you're hearing about it. But if you go next door. Your neighbor is probably dark or depressed or your mail carrier. It's just that musicians, comedians, you have a platform. Yeah, I bet there's like tortured button makers, you know.
famously for sure button makers famously yes they are lots of tortured button makers they're drinking have you ever heard of joe joe the button maker hi my name is joe i have a wife and three kids and i work in a button factory one day my wife came and she said joe are you busy i said no
Nobody's heard that. What are you talking about? I've rarely been speechless in that way. I feel like Tick and I were both speechless. It's like a song for kids. But he works in a button factory. But what kid... would love that terrible song no but then guys stay with me what happens to joe hi i'm busy or you know and then she said turn the button with your left hand so you start doing this okay the kids are For those of you who can't see, I'm turning a button.
So then you start over. You go, hi, my name is Joe. I have a wife and three kids at a working button factory. One day, my wife came in. She's a joke. Is this the first song ever written for children? He said, turn the button. with your right hand. Now you're doing this.
see the kids are moving their hands okay so what why are the why is his life story so kind of suburban and boring i mean it's just like hey my name is joe i'm telling you sing this song with a five-year-old and see if they like it you move all you're turning your buttons with all your limbs so the kids are like doing all these movements
I feel like the bar is higher now. Why not the hokey pokey? Why don't we have to limit ourselves to one? Joe, the button pusher or button maker? He works in a button factory, you guys. And he, you said there's probably...
Dark. button maker no i know how we got there but i'm shocked that this is i've never heard of it and it sounds like in the olden days where they hadn't invented toys yet and they gave people like a stick to play with it's like that it's like they hadn't invented songs yet and they went i guess this is a song
hadn't invented a children's song and then somebody that had terrible ideas a terrible voice he's probably called joe i don't think i don't think you two are the target audience okay i think I think my five-year-old friends that love songs that rhyme are fans of Joe and his button factory. Okay. Well, it's also on the same album as I'm Betsy.
And I walk down the street. I put on my shoes and I wave to people. This sounds like you made that up. And I have a hand and I can wave to people on the street. I haven't heard one rhyme. Betsy with her hands waving at us. She has shoes on. Betsy. Tig, not one rhyme. Wait, I don't... Every five-year-old right now is like, the song needs... You know what the song needs? More rhyming. But there's no rhymes in the Joe one. Hi, my name is Joe. I have a wife and three kids and I work in a...
button factory hold on okay man she's a joke are you busy here we go i said no come on oh my god so joe and no that's the only one oh no joe is what the song should but it turns out there's only one rhyme and i'm but there's a lot here There's one rhyme. There is nothing there. I was more into Betsy's story. She at least had a little pep. She was walking down the street. Betsy's a real bitch. Hi. My name is Betsy. You write a song. No, you write a new song, Mae. Okay, here we go. Hi.
My name is Jessica. And I walked to school, but on the way, I saw a bus. It was a yellow bus. And on the bus was my old... teacher who I hadn't seen since I was a little toddler. Hit song. hit song you know what i take from this i could have done a lot better i'm gonna no there's no way to top what you did may do you know what i take from this experience nothing because there was nothing happening there was nothing there was no song there's
I think that my song has inspired you guys to write other songs. That is a positive twist. And it would be called an inspiration. Hi, my name is Betsy and I have hands and I wave at people. Look, it's Joe, the guy that has buttons. I need to Google to make sure he does work in a button factory. Oh, my God. If he doesn't. Where else? If it's a bucket factory.
oh no it is Button Factory oh thank god I will clarify one part of the song please then it'll all make sense this part always threw me I was like why is Joe's wife coming in to the button factory it turns out it's his boss not his wife so it goes you guys want to hear this hey we don't need to hear this again
And I work in a button factory. Oh, wait. I didn't. I got it out of order. Let me do it the right way. See, that's why it didn't sound familiar. Hey, my name is Joe. And I work in a button factory. And one day, my boss came up to me. He says. joke i said oh wait this person rewrote it never mind this also doesn't rhyme either i think
I think people are making their own versions. Turning this off and leaving the show. This person says, I've got a wife and a dog and a family. Oh my God. I got a wife and a dog and a family. Now we go from Joe to our Jack Whitehall episode where we got a delightful May fact about a certain astronaut in space. I really romanticized like early space travel where it was so dangerous, but we were just... being intrepid and there's this female astronaut this is this boring yes yes
I have like one more anecdote to tell related to space. And I'm just like, I just did the Joe Kittinger thing. Maybe I need to just give it a rest. This was your jam. I love it. There was the first female astronaut, Sally Ride. Yes, I guess. Ride, Sally. oh i don't know if those are i don't know i don't think those have anything to do there's no way to know that's not the chick from the challenger is it
No, that was Krista McAuliffe or something like that. Yeah, that made me never want to go to space. Oh, that's so fucked up. Yeah. But so Sally Ride, they were like, I don't know if we can let a woman go to space. It's I don't know. And she was like. Trust me, we can. I'm going to do it. And then they said to her, OK, are you going to have your period while you're in space? Because we're really worried about that. And she said.
No, I'm not. I know my schedule and I'm not an app on her. She was like, a hundred percent. I can guarantee I'm, I'm not going to get my period while I'm up there. And they were like, don't tell me, don't tell me. no it's worse than that they go oh no diarrhea they go what if you do she's like i'm not going to and then they go well
We want to send you up with some tampons. She was going up for like three days and they went, would 100 tampons be enough? Whoa. This was like the male astronauts just had no idea. And they said, by the way, we're also going to be voting on. what we think is best for your body. Yes, exactly. And so they ended up sending her up with a hundred tampons, even though there was barely any room on this space. She's like, I got to plug my cooter. Yeah. 30 times.
a day also did these men not have mothers or wives or girlfriends they're not asking about their damn But I mean, you would see a woman come into the house from Costco. Yeah, mugging box after box. With like a huge truck backing up to the house. And these guys are like, I'm assuming that's for... two days. oh my god that's wild yeah you see that tampon truck just going around all neighborhoods backing up to people's houses i need a hundred more tampons wait is that a woman's voice
Fortune? Yeah. Hey, I know I don't look like a woman, but I... still need tampons i got a cooter and the truck passes your house by my favorite thing is when i go to buy tampons and the person at the store thinks that i'm buying them for my girlfriend and i'm a boy and they go hey you're a good boyfriend doing this uh and i'm like yeah yeah just anyone that comments on that purchase that is so weird
Like, why are you commenting on this? Like, let me just get my ponds. My tampons. Let me get my ponds and be out. Yeah. Plug that cooter right on up. Fortune! Hey, stop at my house. I'm bleeding. Hey, I need you. like a like a milkman but a tampon man yeah doors open doors open just bring them right in i'm on the toilet the ice cream man hey i'm going to space give me 200 you're going to space Up, up and away in this beautiful balloon.
That was a little late for the balloon reference, by the way. I'm going to space in a balloon. I was right on time. Crammed full of tampons. You got them in your ears, your nostrils. I got a jug of water, a Red Bull, and a hundred tampons. We're going to space, baby. you're flying down from space are you sponsored by plate what is it Playtex? Playtex? We don't even know the name. What's the fucking name? Playtex isn't right. What is it?
Wait, why can't I think of a single tampon brand and I've been using them my whole life? Why can't we? What are the brands? It might be. It might be Playtex. Is it? Is there Playtex and Kotex? Oh, wait. Is it Playtex? and Kotex hold on I just said that I know but no Playtex is right I was right okay is there Kotex is that like the knockoff brand
Thomas is nodding. Why is everything a Kotex? We should start our own. Kotex with a K. We should start our own Hamtex. Yes, handsome tampons. Plug her up. up gents plug them up oh my god we just did it we knew brands but didn't know brands that is crazy that i've been buying them my whole life and i couldn't think of a brand name I said Playtex, and we were all like, that can't be right. In their OB? Yeah, OB. OB. Yeah. Were you getting there? We went from aliens to naming tampon brands.
if this is not the greatest podcast on earth i don't know what is in space yeah oh my lord is there such a thing as a like a tampon for your bum like a bump on why do we need one i don't know if is your butt i don't know I don't know. I don't know. Cork it. Oh my God. All right. While we're in space, who could forget fortune's disclosure that she dressed up like a certain.
alien life form this is all the way back from our jamie lee curtis 2023 halloween episode i remember um getting dressed to go to the party and and it was all about Miss Garo but I didn't in my head but I didn't realize why but I dressed like John Travolta in Saturday Night Fever and I was maybe 12 or 13 and everyone else in my class was like a sexy spider like it was that age where
people start trying to have hot Halloween costumes. And I wore like an open shirt and a white kind of suit, John Travolta. And I remember being like, hey, Miss Garrow, what's up? May, this is insane. I dressed as John Travolta. Shut up. You guys have a lot in common. I know. Well, Fortune, you and I were also debutantes. That's true. But yeah, I, my friends, I was really close with these twins, Susie and Allie. Yeah. And, you know, oftentimes.
when you're twins, you're very popular. Yes. I know because I have twins. But I was at Susie and Ali's, I think it was their Halloween party. And I dressed as John Travolta. Maybe it was their birthday party, and it was just a costume dress-up birthday. I don't know what was happening. It was elementary school. Or you just decided, I'm going. Well, no, it was Grease. That was a theme.
Okay. And all of the girls dressed in poodle skirts and all of that. And like, we're, you know, whatever the characters were in Greece. And then I showed up as John Travolta. Yes. And I think I was. in like Maybe first grade? Oh, little, little. And were you wearing like, what does he wear? Black t-shirt? Jeans. You know, I had a white t-shirt, leather jacket, tennis shoes. And then my hair was slicked back. And, you know.
That's that thing where it's like, that's so awesome that my mother thought I looked so cool and takes me to this party, drops me off. And guess what I didn't account for? What? All of the girls wanted to dance with me. were kissing me on my cheek and I was like whoa this was not in the plan I was just I was just here to look cool wow you must have been my motorcycle is out
Outside, and I'm going to hop on it and blaze if you cats don't step back, ladies. You were very convincing as Travolta. Yeah, they went nuts. Yeah, for a lot of queer kids, Halloween's a chance to... have that like gender euphoria almost you get to dress up like yeah how you feel inside and you're yeah then why did i go dressed as alf I'm like, wait a second. We did? Look at that big old mask. You have that big nose. saw it immediately where did you get the costume or did you build it
I think it was like Spencer's. Remember? Yeah. You know Spencer's gifts? It's like it was a big shop at the mall back in the day that had like. And you were drawn to Alf. It was a very popular sitcom at the time.
How old were you? I think I was like 12. 12 or 13. So you were not interested in dating yet? No, I was a late bloomer, let me tell you. I was so out to lunch when it came to... all that stuff that is the funniest thing i've ever heard or thought of it didn't even occur to me i could go as john travolta You showing up with your curly blonde hair. Yeah, I just distinctly remember walking around in this giant elf mask. And I think I had like brown, like brown.
shirt and pants I love the idea I can't either and I love the idea that it's like John Travolta or Alf well I guess I can't be John Travolta so I better be Alf then why'd I go as Alf Some people just know they could save hundreds on car insurance by checking Allstate first. Like you know how to check your stocking for coal if you've been naughty this year and check for presents if you've been nice.
Yeah, checking first is smart. So check Allstate first for a quote that could save you hundreds. You're in good hands with Allstate. This content is intended for audiences in the U.S. only. Savings vary. Terms apply. Allstate Fire and Casualty Insurance Company and Affiliates. Northbrook, Illinois. Today's episode of Handsome is sponsored by Twisted Tea.
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Let's keep it furry by delving into what is now a legendary part of the handsome podcast. I'm talking, of course, about the bear saga. It all started back in September when May shared a story about their driver, another person named Joe. I think I told you I have this driver who drives me to set. His name's Joe. He's a great. Thank you. Thank you. Yeah. Yeah. I have a driver named Jimmy. Do you? Fortune. This is incredible. Is it a Toronto thing? Well, they're like.
a sign by production right yeah and so yeah but i don't have that in the states only in toronto Yeah, maybe it's the Toronto. I don't know what my driver's name will be because I'm heading to Toronto. That's right. I have a driver. Hopefully it starts with a J. Yeah. Jafar.
Anyway, the bear video, Joe basically, first he was bringing me fresh eggs from his farm. Then he's like, I could bring you some moose meat and I'll cook it up in a Tupperware. Oh, you told us about the moose meat. We're like, no, thank you. i love this guy and he shared one night it's like three in the morning we're driving back from set and it's been silent for like an hour and then he's like so uh i have this video oh no uh yeah and i'm like what and he goes
I have this video. It's pretty cool. I filmed it in 1993 on a camcorder. And I was in a bar in Lake Elliott. And I was with my friend, Gary Kaczynski, I think. Basically, he goes, my friend Gary wrestled a bear. And this bear is called Caesar the wrestling bear. And he's like, yeah, this wouldn't fly nowadays with animal rights and stuff. But he's like, I have this video of this trained bear who was maybe rescued as a cub and trained to wrestle.
in the video he wrestles 12 men and he wrestles Gary Kaczynski and he's like yeah I'll bring it to show you and I'm like I don't know if I want to see it I'm scared I don't know I can't unsee it once I've seen it right now you haven't been able to sleep Well, then, so then he's like, I'm going to bring, I got to bring a VCR down so we can watch it. Yeah, when do we get to the part where it's hard to sleep? Yeah, well.
I hope this outdated technology works. And the VCR doesn't work. So I'm like, does the universe not want me to see this video? And basically, it's grown in my mind like a weed, the bear video, the bear video. I'm like, what am I meant to see it?
like why am I is it coming to my life and and he's edited it he used to want to be a filmmaker so he's done title cards and stuff he said and it's like I'm picturing this grain it's like a eight foot bear wrestling people and you would win a grand if you could pin the bear down and nobody could and this bear never mauled anyone but it would just whack them with one paw and they'd go flying and
i'm picturing this amazing and he's like you got to see it like it has to be seen to be believed and i'm why do we let men be in charge of things I wrote a poem about it. Oh, let's hear it. Seriously? Yes. Okay. What else are we going to do? I wrestled a bear. And how about you? All right. I did. I have it. Okay. Violets are red. Violets are blue. I wrestled a bear and now I can't snooze.
Oh, no, that doesn't make sense because he's sleeping fine. It's May. I just know that I'm finally going to see it tomorrow. We need to workshop this poem. I like how you say poem. Have you at least asked him if the bear was okay? Do we at least know that? He said the bear's fine. The bear... is so much stronger than these men you're gonna be okay watching this the bear is fine living in manhattan now yeah and let's wife and kids okay here's the poem poem okay
because it's really all i can think about is like am i am i meant to see this video and and yeah once i've seen it how how will i be changed and then i'm like why does it mean so much to me the bear video and wait i'm sorry may you announce that you wrote a poim about this and then uh you weren't planning on reading it you're like really you want to hear it yourself yeah
I read it to Joe and he was pretty freaked out. Joe, the button maker. So now you're equally the driver. Y'all now equally freaked each other out. Yeah, Joe's like, okay, it's just a cool video. But I was like, Joe, I wrote this poem. If I were Joe, I would be like.
I don't understand why you're losing sleep. But he's building the hype as well. He's like, you gotta see this vid. And he's like, it's... he says you won't believe it whatever you're imagining it's cooler he keeps saying cool okay let's hear the poem okay The neon sign promised a champion ur sign to take on any man who'd throw his hat into the ring. You thought you'd seen everything when you first laid eyes on Caesar that kept bare.
He moved woosily across the board. He barely fit through any doors. Barely. One claw could make... What? What? May just disappeared. May just disappeared. Mayday. Mayday. Mayday. This is terrifying. No wonder May has been scared of this bear video. just disappears oh my gosh okay oh there's may may are you okay this is insane i know we've been freaking out on this side i just started reading the poem and my whole computer crashed
your whole computer crash. You disappeared. It looked like you got kidnapped by the CIA. I thought there was a bear attack. I don't think the universe wants me to...
See this video? It clearly didn't want us to hear the rest of your poem. Well, how much did you hear? Where should I go from? Well, gosh, you got quite a ways in there. Okay, okay. The last thing I heard was barely. I know you started rhyming, which I appreciated, because that's... what i associate with pains oh there it rhymes yeah yeah it's got a weird rhythm to it okay okay let's hope if my computer closes again i don't know what to do okay
you're haunted yeah yeah i would call the police if your computer shuts down what do they call the canadian police mounties a mountain yeah mountain you've never heard that the royal canadian judged i don't need to be judged for admitting that i don't know something okay i don't know i don't know i worked in toronto for five years i never had a run-in with the mountie okay generally up in mountains
Those are horses? Yeah, they wear special hats and red jackets and they ride horses. Well, I wasn't like, they're up in the mountains. I think so. You still should know the phrase Mountie. Why the hell would I know about police on horses riding around in the mountain, you know, clomping around? I don't know because it's just part of the vernacular, Mounties. Anyway.
Two against one. Okay. Let me plow through the rest of this poem. Okay. He moved woosily across the... boards he barely fit through any doors one clock could make you meet your maker if you dare someone has brought the bear to you and though you know not what to do the camera's running time is running out it's clear and do you crack a joke or try to as you step up to the fight assigned you
Tell yourself you don't care if you win or lose. A thousand bucks if you can pin them down. You hear before you hit the ground. Spent more than that on beer this month alone. Now you'll always chase this feeling like the kept bear has finally seen me. Hey man, aren't you a kept bear too? If it chooses you to witness, you'd be a fool to miss this. Hey, man, aren't you a kept bear, too? That's good, Mae. You like it?
Yeah. Do you write poems? No. Typically? Never. I'd like to get into the kept bear of it all and what that means for you. I felt compelled to write this poem. But why didn't you write a song? Why didn't you write a short story? Why were you like, I need words rhyming here? This is part of the great mystery. But also, how long did it take to write you that? How long did it take you to write you that? How long did it take you to write out their poem? Because that felt like a long end.
Then in October, May shared a witch-related update to the bear saga. This was from our Nikki Glaser episode. Listen now. I was really, um... shocked by the response to the bear video discussion online. People were really invested in the bear video and the bear poem. Poem. Poem. I do have sort of an update. Yeah, give it to us. I think I vaguely updated you that after viewing the video. Yeah, after viewing the video.
My world imploded. And so I became obsessed with the fact that I've been cursed by the video and that my dread was correct. All of the omens were correct. And now I've. Wait, I'm sorry. What are you talking about?
Okay, so I don't know if you remember the bear video. You remember the bear video, right? I do. I do. So you were watching it. May was worried that... that there would be a curse that came with watching the bear video yeah and remember i wrote the poem the computer shut down the poem and uh Then I eventually did watch the video, which I don't know if we have talked about that. We did talk about it. Yeah. And.
Then I've been feeling like something weird is going on since I knew. Maybe it's a self-fulfilling prophecy, but since the bear video. Things are weird. May's world imploded. My world imploded. So my friend mentioned the bear video to a friend of hers who is this Italian woman in her 50s, very spiritual woman. And she was like, OK. I'm going to do a malocchio on you.
Take you of Italian. You know what this is? A notaro. A molecule. A meatball. Meatball molecule. That's a spaghetti. That's Polish. This is like a, it's a curse to undo a curse. Like she's going to break the curse. Oh, you're going to get double cursed. No, no, no, no, no. Do not say that fortune. No, double curse. Like it, they cancel each other out.
yeah yeah kind of curse and so i don't know i've been triple i've been quadruple cursed and nothing got canceled out oh christ well she did the spell yesterday and she was texting me she's like first of all do you have an orange in the the house i was like yeah she's like throw it out throw it out right away
I was like, okay. So I threw the orange out. She goes, wait, you're on the phone with her. I love that people like this can just say whatever. Exactly. And you're like, what did she charge? What did she charge for you throwing an orange in a trash can? First one's free tea.
It was free. First one's free. She was very invested in the story and she said it sounds very much like you've been cursed by the bear video. By the bear video? Really? Yeah, man. By... by the bear video i'm willing to watch this bear video i don't want anything to do with it risk it hey i've got oranges that i could just toss out like nobody's i don't i'm not even into oranges
I don't even care. Could you technically have turned that orange into orange juice or you just had to get rid of all of it? Fortune. Interesting. Great question. I think it had to be out of my vicinity. Okay, so we tossed the orange. Did you throw it out of the window?
no i threw it right in the garbage outside in the outside okay okay yeah got rid of the orange no questions she's just like oh my god get the orange out of your house you're like absolutely right away yeah she felt cursed so at this point
I don't want to do whatever. Yeah. Also, it's 926 and this was late last night. So I'm like, this is auspicious. This is interesting. And then she says, do you have some salt? And I'm like, yeah. She's like, put it in your pocket. I'm like, of course. Yeah. I'm sorry. What do you mean? Like you put a salt shaker in your pocket or you put just a pinch of salt?
Pinch of salt in the pocket and it goes. And she says, OK, you're going to feel something. I won't tell you when I'm doing the Malokyo. She says, but you'll know. So I feel grains of salt in your nether regions. And did you have any moment that you thought that maybe on her end of the phone, she's like covering her mouth laughing and saying like to the friends, like they just threw the orange.
it's highly possible these americans and canadians they'll do anything these are um mainly through voice note we're communicating she's like fucking she's like this guy joe she goes you're telling me you're watching a video from a guy called joe she's like no you won't catch me watching a video from a guy called joe so i believe like i'm
She has a commanding presence. Was this Joe from the Button Factory? Yeah. Did you ask her about Joe from the Button Factory? No, but I could. I mean, this was Joe's driver. Next voice memo. Next Melokia. So she... gets a bowl and she puts olive oil and water in it and she shows me a picture of it and it's chaos like droplets of olive oil willy-nilly everywhere and it looks you've got crazy she goes oh she goes this is bad
Oh, no. She goes, this is really bad. She goes, normally I would use three matches. But this time she goes, it takes six matches. Six matches. She's going to burn her village down. She's putting the six matches, I guess, in the water. And this is oil? Olive oil in water with some salt. Oil and water don't mix. Yeah, I mean, you're not going to get, you know, some smoothed out situation. It's going to be chaos if water's in oil. It's not going to gel.
But after the six matches and the prayer. Well, let's wait. So she does the matches, puts in the bowl. She said if I was there, she would throw the matches at me. But I wasn't there. And you're still on the phone. This is a witch. Yeah, I know. It's a witch. It's a good witch. I think this is somebody that is maybe pretending like she has some power.
How did you meet this person again? Is this a friend of a friend? Is this a friend of a friend? If I typed in, how do you help me close the bear portal? It was a friend of a friend. I think I know who friend it is. Who? Is this a...
thing no no no it's my friend carolyn but yeah cut it out so she shows me the uh the olive oil in the bowl after the six matches and the prayer and the olive oil is neatly organized it's almost become like this beautiful image and she says I can confirm there was a curse on you it is now lifted
and she's like it was bad and i go i know i fucking know i felt it and she goes have you been having headaches i said i have one today and she said it'll go it'll be gone soon sure enough usually how it works with headaches yeah true i want to poke holes in her her uh you know thing she's got going here but usually so like if you're having a hard day toss an orange out of the window get a little a little pinch of salt in the pocket put some oil and water in a bowl yeah and then light
It on fire? I think so. She's like, do you get a medic? It's going to go away. And you're like. Like so many of you, I'm always on the go and here's one thing I've noticed about being busy. It's often the most important things in life to you and your family's health and well-being that are the first to go out the window. Take, for example, groceries and healthy eating.
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Then in November, in our Molly Shannon episode, we got the final update to the bear saga. At least until the bear portal opens again. Okay, this is, so this was, I was worried about painting the wrestling bear Caesar, and then I checked with Raph, that woman who did the Malochio spell. If you're just listening to the pod for the first time. This is not.
Anything new. Yeah, this is part of a saga. May's had a bear journey. This is, I think, now the saga's ending, so this is my bear. Whoa, that's really good, May. Thank you so much. He's wearing a Caesar crown. He looks like a bear wolf. Oh, yeah, I see that. Yeah, here's his face. I would say barely looks like a wolf. Beowulf. Beowulf. Beowulf. That's really good. Beowulf. And so the painting was part of the release to get it.
out you'll notice out like in the painting the bear is like like really releasing its rage which is what the real wrestling bear never did he was so docile and placid And I feel like I got to release my inner bear rage. And so I painted it. I feel good. I might give the painting to Joe. That's what I think I might do. That would be nice. Joe the button maker? Hi, my name is Joe. I've got a wife and three kids. so you you feel like you release some inner rage yeah yeah yeah yeah but there's
The coincidences continue because my friend brought a bear painting over that she's had for 15 years. And we're looking at the painting. And then on the back, we see it says, For Jesse the Elder. And we're like, what? You can... imagine this electrifies me then it's like the artist has signed it mike juno and we're talking about this and then my buddy jason comes over just my random buddy jason and he goes oh i know mike juno we go what
He goes, yeah, yeah. Because she goes, I bought it at a yard sale 15 years ago. And Jason goes, let me text Mike Junot. Text him, goes, did you paint this bear? He goes, yeah. Guess what Mike Junot's job is now? What? He's a wrestler. for real so anyway i think i think that closed the loop and yeah yeah are you feeling better much yeah
All right, I think we need a little palate cleanser after all that scary bear stuff. How about a super cut of Fortune Marie moments? And big thanks to our social media coordinator, Autumn, who helped put all these together. Well, you can't have charcuterie without cooter. Virgin! Oh, my God. Fortune. Oh, my God. Should we guess what the news is? So it's something that we would never expect you to do, like trampoline park. No. You got your cooter waxed. Fortune Marie.
Fortune Marie, how dare you? Let's pretend these are the balls. Yeah, okay. And this is the wiener. Fortune. So I'm even answering the question without my ponties on. in my in the early fortune fortune marie so motorboating is like that thing you But does anyone do that with boobs? You mean put your head in someone's breast and go... Fortune Marie. Fortune Marie. I'm going to say I'm a fan. No way. Oh my God, that's the best.
Next up, we have an all-time classic moment in the Handsome Pantheon. This is from our Natalie Maines episode, and it's the origin story of one of Handsome's most enduring catchphrases. Here's a moment where we... all learned to keep a pineapple apart. I went to a school dance when I was 13 and it was like right when everyone was like, okay, we got to be hot now and the boys school is coming and all the girls were in like tank tops and foam.
platform she was yeah I did not either and I knew I couldn't compete with these girls with their like lip gloss and stuff and I didn't know I didn't know I was like queer or whatever but I just didn't want to be involved in the whole thing so to combat it I went joke so i went hat with a propeller overalls for real for real i went dig you called it yeah i went in character look at may's face and tell me what other hat is gonna go on there
You're going to put a propeller on May's head. Yeah. That's right. Yeah. Oh, I got to buy one of those on Amazon now. Halloween's coming. And look, I would buy it at an independent retailer if I knew. Did you know? After the school dance, when you had overalls and a propeller hat on, did you then know you were queer? I was just doing a bit the whole time. Okay.
I always just wanted to hang out with the teachers and I always had a crush on my teachers. Yeah. Yeah. And they used to come around with a pineapple at the dances and they'd say, I know. It's Canada.
You got to be a pineapple apart. And they put the pineapple between you and the boys because the boys would get semis and be like grinding. What? And I wanted that. Like I was into the boys. Ian Peach, I was in love with, but I knew he wasn't going to choose me. Yeah. So I. preemptively was like no no i'm just kidding around i don't even want
you to dance with me even though i was desperate for him to get a semi and for the pineapple to come they really put a pineapple between people i have never heard of that you could use a football it'd be like they're much lighter thing like a stuffed animal like Why carry around a heavy fruit with spikes on it? Like they were trying to make it fun, but...
Which is in the PE room. All the queers laughing at the football jokes. But yes, I mean, they're like, they're like, Martha, you got to go to the grocery store to get that pineapple. Get that pineapple. Wait, can we get a morning? Announcement about the pineapple face. Hey, if you're planning to go to the dance later tonight, then...
Just be prepared that the teachers are going to come around with a pineapple to put in between you so that nothing happens that's not supposed to happen. No semis. Semis. In the background. Martha can you please go get that pineapple Would the dance be off if they forgot to get a large pineapple? Yeah, maybe. Because what else? Yeah, I remember that not only were they going around with the pineapple, but they would remind you on like the megaphone like periodically.
remember pineapple apart pineapple apart is kind of a great pineapple apart was everyone in your school just a nerd including the teacher I think... Pineapple apart. Pineapple apart. All the teachers had propeller hats, too. I mean, there's so many dances that have happened around the country and world. And how is it that...
Fortune and I, and I'm certain... Thomas, have you heard about Pineapple Apart? I have not, and I'm Canadian, so... You're Canadian. Okay, okay. Was this a Catholic school, May? Anglican. How did so many dances happen without... pineapple apart I know I know that's why teen pregnancy was on the rise and it was in america but so like where are my pineapples going around with the pineapple and so after they've come over and separated you and the guy then
after when they move on that's your moment they're not going to come back to you for a while that's your moment to grind before they make oh you gotta get that ground that is so fun i'm just now realizing That they have to really be on top of that with that age group because it's so new being able to touch people. And like if the teachers walk off with the pineapple to someone else.
yeah who knows who knows you're gonna be pregnant with yeah pineapple apart but also just let you know the best part you know what's the best part let them grind maize right the best part though is that at the end of The night Martha has a pineapple to make her famous pineapple upside down cake. Okay, wait a minute. We have our first handsome bumper sticker and it's Martha has a pineapple. Martha has a pineapple.
Did you know in the olden days, like here's a fact coming your way, in the like 1700s or 1700s, they used to, you could rent a pineapple just to show that you were wealthy at your party because they were so exotic. And so. expensive like in england you'd rent a pineapple and pretend it was yours and just put it on the table and be like oh yeah we got one yeah somebody should fact check that listening
Handsome is hilarious, but what we also love about Tig, Fortune, and May is that they share real stories from their lives. When Fortune's mom, Ginger, asked a question for Pride Month, the answers were touching and funny too. Take a listen. Hi, handsome. This is Ginger, Feimster Fortune's mother, and I would like to know what your experiences were like coming out to your families. Ginger. We had to tape that so many times, by the way.
She was like, here, come over here to this side of the wall. I have these flowers over here. I think that would make a good background. Unbelievable. We taped that like. 20 times that's so cute i'm like mom we got it so wait you were in town with her i was in town with her uh last time i had a show there because i knew i i had after the people had said on our poll that they wanted her to ask a question i called i said hey people want you to ask a question and she goes i don't know how to do that
and i was like oh i'm gonna have to do this for her so i i when i went home i said we gotta do the handsome question and i want i thought it'd be cool for her to ask something in pride month because um of obviously the the subject matter uh but i after i came out um she at first um Well, to answer this question. Yeah. How'd you do it? Yeah. So she was I was kind of nervous to tell her like she's very progressive and liberal. But as I had talked about one of.
my standup specials, she was dating this very conservative, very religious man when I was in college. And she did at that time sort of have this tendency to take on the personality traits.
of whoever she was dating so she went from being like my whole life pretty progressive to like all of a sudden pretty buttoned up and like a little bit more conservative in certain ways and I was like oh this is who is this uh and they had just broken up and when I was kind of coming to terms with being gay and so I really was nervous to tell her
And I took her to this Chinese restaurant to tell her, I don't know why I say it in sweet and salty because I could eat crab rangoons if she disowned me. But even though, you know, I really did not know how my parents would react. I was very nervous. I told a couple friends first to sort of like, how are they going to react? And I told my.
my mom first and and she just got very quiet and um I was nervous to tell her I was like oh like I couldn't just say it like I'm gay at first I was like oh just so you know like my life is going to be different than what you might've thought it was going to be. And I was kind of like beating around the bush. Um, and then finally, and she was just kind of like trying to grasp what I was saying. Cause I was.
It's hard in the beginning to say the words like I'm gay. And I was trying to figure out how to say that lightly. And then I finally was like, so, you know. okay okay and um she yeah she was kind of quiet and listened and I think maybe in the beginning there was like some are you sure kind of things. um and then when i told my dad did you say look at me and ask me that again well i told when i told my brothers they were both like duh it's like come on and um but my mom was genuinely shocked
which like is the only person in my life who was genuinely shocked. My dad, I had my mom go with me to tell him we went to a park. That's nice that she came. Yeah. So I had her sit up kind of.
a few because they aren't together they divorced when i was 12 but they're friends and i had her sit kind of up and my dad and i don't really have serious conversations with each other wait sit up like sit like a few meters on a hill like on a different swing on a hill and she was kind of sitting up in a tree the hill on top of the slide and i just was like i just with him pulled the band i was like dad i'm gay and he's like all right
you're my daughter you're my daughter i love you you're my daughter
He was so nervous. He's like, you're my daughter. I love you. And my mom, and that's his way of trying to accept it and be cool. And my mom goes, she knows she's your daughter she's telling you she's gay oh my god what i would give to overhear this at a park and she's yelling i'm gay in the middle of this tiny town i'm like can you just keep it down oh my gosh i came out to my mother first and uh she was accepting but she also she was
surprisingly surprised. And my mother would do this thing where she would move air from one cheek. to the other and back and forth when she didn't know what to say. That's exactly it. That's a real tell. And I said, oh, you're uncomfortable. And she's like, no. i'm not and i was like well you're moving air from one cheek to the other and back to the other and and um and she laughed at herself um and my stepfather was fine i think she told him Cause he also like a bit buttoned up and, but.
has no issue with any of that had had no issue with any of that stuff and but just wasn't a conversation i was excited to sit down and have and then my um my father also very... fine and uh i think he was trying to get it out of me before i even knew you know were you guys emotional tell like like i think i wrote my mother a letter And then when she got it, she called me and then she came out to visit me right after that. And then it was funny because my I hadn't told my brother and.
my mother and brother and I were all together and she kept telling me that I needed to tell him. And I was like, I don't want to tell, like, it's just. How old were you? Like 20.
or something I really don't I don't know but I was like I don't want to have this conversation my brother and I he was off at college and we just had we were living such different lives and yeah he was full-on party college guy and i'm like you know hanging out listening to the indigo girls and and um and so i'm in the back seat of my brother's jeep
My brother's driving. My mother's in the passenger seat. And before he had picked us up, she kept telling me. She was like, you have to tell him. You have to tell him. And I was like, and but I just told her I wasn't quite ready. We're driving along. While we're driving, my mother keeps saying to my brother, you know, life is all about change. And he was like, I know, you know, he's like this big guy in his Jeep. He has like a dirt.
Dirty dog everywhere he went and like... he was like yeah i know and and she just kept saying well you have to always be open life is all about change or it's gonna leave you behind if you don't if if you don't keep up with things and he was like i know and i'm sitting back there going oh my gosh and then just out of nowhere she says takes k and i was and i just sunk in the back of his jeep and he goes
Yeah, I know. And then I sat up and I said, you knew? And he goes, well, yeah, of course I knew. And I was like, oh.
so so good yeah but um i just wanted to kill my mother in that moment but uh and then a second later i was like oh i'm so glad she did that like thank god that's done yeah i'm just listening thinking like it is crazy that anyone has to like that we assume all babies are straight and then if you're not you gotta it's it's so scary it's the only like preference that you have to make a declaration about and then like It's like, yeah, it is wild.
Well, first of all, it's so funny to say, to assume all babies are straight. I mean, hopefully, it literally feels like they're cutting the umbilical cord and planning the bachelor. party at the same time like it's so wild but um i didn't all growing up my parents were like you know and you're gonna meet a man or a woman like they were very
Oh, like I knew it was an option. And I think they thought my brother was gay for a while or wanted him to be in his teens. And and then by the time I started dating girls, I was like. also doing drugs and dropping out of school and getting kicked out so it kind of got like brushed over like it was just one of many things but they were definitely shocked because I was so boy crazy and I had boyfriends too so they were
shocked. But I don't think I ever really had a conversation with my mom, but my Dad, I remember I was watching the movie Gia on VHS with Angelina Jolie. And I didn't even really know that I was gay or bi. But I was really into Gia. And then I remember like going to get him from his stud, his office where he was working upstairs and being like, dad, come down and see this. How great this movie is. And like showing him a scene where they're making out. Yeah. And, uh, he was like, uh, yep.
tank top yeah he was like cool and i was like isn't i don't know why i love how beautiful this scene is and yeah This summer also brought us one of the most hilariously vulnerable and cringeworthy moments of the podcast. Of course, I'm talking about when Fortune in May took a field trip to see Alanis Morissette, guest of the show, perform live in Toronto.
And, well, the rest is handsome history. Take a listen and find out who made it to the stage and who didn't. Fortune and I did go and see Alanis Morissette in Toronto. A lot to unpack, I would say. Yeah. So Atlantis, you know, was on the pod not too late. too long ago and uh asked a very funny question and we knew that Alanis was coming to Toronto and Mae and I were both going to be in Toronto when Alanis came and we were like we need to have a field trip
What do you say, Tig? Way to rub it in, Fortune. I know. The first thing that happened that went wrong was, well, so I had bought like eight tickets. On Ticketmaster, I'd gone like VIP package. I'd invited people that were like coming from out of town. And a few days before the concert, I was like, what's my, do I download those tickets or what? Like, do I have the.
confirmation number couldn't find any record of them turns out i've been scammed i had no tickets no yeah and it was a fake ticket master website a fake fake website it looked it looked real and i called the customer service and they're like oh yeah well if you give us your card details now on the phone we can get you the vip thing and i just thought oh no you called the number on the site
Anyway, so then I'm scrambling and I'm emailing every agent I've ever had being like, is there any string you can pull to get me to this concert? I've got friends like coming from out of town. Parv's flying in from LA. Eight tickets. Wow. Just a casual eight tickets. I only need eight tickets. Did you consider giving Alanis a ring-a-ding? If I had her number, you know I would. Okay. So finally, I managed to get four tickets, which was amazing. And then we...
We meet up and we're all excited to meet Alanis. We're standing backstage. Fortune, Jax, Parve, me, my best friend, my two other best friends. Yeah, because we... They said that we could meet Alanis right after her meet and greet and we were like so pumped. I was drenched in sweat. I've rarely been that nervous to meet someone. Wow. My face was red. But honestly, it's because of the sun. Whoa, it's happening.
we were freaking out jackson i walked 40 minutes to the venue and i it really took it out of me you're nervous you're blushing yeah and then the the moment we need to process is Alanis' manager or tour manager comes up and goes, so Fortune, are you all ready to go on stage and sing the first verse of Ironic? No, so she says, before she had taken us back to that area. She asked me, she's like, can you sing? And I was like.
Have you heard the podcast? And so I didn't want to answer it because I was like, well, I mean, I'm not a singer by trade, but we've all heard my karaoke pretty good. um and so i was like i i get yeah and uh she was like well that doesn't give me much confidence i was like well what i don't know what you're asking i go i i have i sang with the chicks uh in nashville
uh, on stage. So I think I, yeah, I, yes, I can sing. And so she was like, Oh, well, cause Atlanta says a saying where she brings somebody up to sing a couple of verses of ironic. Would you be into it? I'm like, absolutely are you kidding me so that was the first conversation okay you had not been privy to not privy to that so I just hear the manager go so fortune you all ready to sing ironic with Alanis and I have never in my life and I
Love fortune. Let's just say that right away. May was ready to murder me and throw me into a river so that... I was really shocked by my own... i felt rage like i was like i want to do this so badly did you not have your teddy bear they looked at me like i had betrayed
like i had betrayed you i know and i was like i didn't have anything to do and then i was trying to like regain composure and i was like no fortune i'm so pumped for you this is going to be great and then i would turn back to my friends and be like I'm going to kill her. Then Fortune goes, I better Google the lyrics. I was like, come on. I know the lyrics. I just got nervous. Hey, is this the point where we say, isn't it ironic? that she's invited and doesn't know the words oh my lord
I do know the words, but I got so nervous all of a sudden. Of course. And I was excited for you. And then so we go backstage and meet her. Like she's everything you want her to be. Amazing. Right? Didn't she have like a power? She's just a very present person, a very open. You can just feel the kindness radiate from her. She just leads with openness, I think, is the best way to describe her. So warm, so funny, really made us laugh.
And I was like, don't mention that you want to sing. I know I could have really ruined the moment by being like, but what about me? And then I was glad we had a great interaction. Oh, sorry. it comes time for Fortune to sing. And I'm like, I'm going to tag along. I think I under the guise of being like, Oh, if I maybe I'll film footage for our social media page.
But really, secretly, I'm hoping at the last second, Alanis is going to grab my hand, too. And then... Doing old Bruce Springsteen, Courtney Cox. And then it was a beautiful moment. You guys were looking in each other's eyes. My God. My God. I do have a video of it. I have a video of it all on my Instagram for those that want to see.
the love exuding from me. And I will say Alanis too. There's the video that my friend made, which is you and Alanis gazing into each other's eyes crying. And then the camera pans over to me at the side of the stage, like Rumpelstiltskin stamped my little foot. No, I was trying to look. I was like, woo, yay. But I was really. Wait, are you saying Fortune and Alanis were crying to each other on stage? No, no, no. I cried after. Oh, you cried after? You felt emotional, right?
Atlanta wasn't crying. She's a professional. That would be wild. Every time she brings someone on stage. She has this moment every show. She's a Liz Cannon. Well, right before I get... So Atlanta... does like a portion at another stage out in the audience and that's when they said come meet meet us over the side and when she comes back through to go on stage she's gonna grab you by the hand and bring you up on stage but i think a lot
Not always, but Alanis said a lot of times it's a kid that they have to do this. So Alanis is usually pulling some nervous kid. So everyone said she yanked me on stage. She didn't yank me on stage. She's just used to pulling a kid. And I look like a kid kind of clomping on stage. And she just walks really fast and I'm really slow. So it looked like I was being pulled on stage. I was very willingly going on stage.
But right before I went up on stage, her tour manager goes, oh, don't even worry about the audience. just sing the song to Alana. So I was like, okay. And so we start the song and Alana's points at the teleprompter, like, yeah, you know, here are the words kind of, if you need them. Here's the words to write. utterly most famous song in the history. And I just lock in with Alana's eyes.
right to her down the barrel i sing that whole first verse to her and she's just beaming and looking in my peering into my soul yeah in a way that like no one has looked at me i have kind of vulnerable I absolutely have it was very intimate in a not sexual way but a very human intimate experience that was so deep That when I got off stage, I legit started, I welled up. It made me so emotional. Are you about to cry right now? No, I'm okay. I've processed it.
While this was happening, I'm standing there and the stage crew guy comes up to me and goes, excuse me, you're going to have to stand further back. Your t-shirt is very white. Apparently my t-shirt. Your entire show. Don't you see Atlanta's and Fortune peering into each other's eyes right now? I think the first verse and the chorus and then she gives me a big hug. That's how it always goes and sends me off. And it was really cool. It was epic. It was amazing. You smashed it to you. Sounded.
beautiful like an angel do you know how she chose you and not me well that's a good question yeah The most embarrassing thing is she was at the same venue the next night and I texted the kind woman who had got us backstage. Of course. And I said, Hey, that was so fun last night. You know, if Alanis needs, I said, if Alanis.
needs anyone tonight. Did you call with your teddy bear in your arms? I sent to Selby with the teddy bear. No, I said if she needs anyone, I'm available. May. No response. May. I will tell you this. I heard from people on the comment section that her nephew did it that night. So that's the only reason I'm sure you weren't asked.
I did have a moment with her. She did bring my name up again that night too. So I think it did have an everlasting effect. Did my name come up at all? She talked about the podcast. She said she loved the podcast. Okay, but did she say TIG? is quite extraordinary and i wish i had her terrible voice did you catch that okay she might have mumbled i met her before you guys did okay and she might not even know i already told you that
She and I have a mutual friend and I've socialized with her. I've never sung with her, but I will. Tig, if you sing with her before me, I am quitting this podcast. I don't know if I'll be able to handle it. I'm Canadian. Yeah. Maybe it's because she's heard me. Maybe she heard me sing on the podcast and you just need to sing more on our pod. Oh, wait a minute, man.
podcast she does i had met atlantis back in 2014 she came to the finale of chelsea lately so there there maybe there was that familiarity from back then too i don't i don't know No, I feel like she knew she was in a safe pair of hands with you. And I was kind of a wild card. I was quivering, you know. And I did. I love the Hail Mary that you threw for the next night. That is bold. That is.
No shame. Bold. Thanks for listening to Handsome's Greatest Hits. Let's just call it Volume 1 because we want to hear what your favorite clips and moments are that we missed. Let us know in the comments what you'd like to see if we do a volume two and what your favorite clip from this video was as well. And don't forget to go to handsomepod.com for all your merch and follow us at handsomepod.
Have a happy and handsome holly ball from me, Fortune, May, and Tig. We're going to close it out with some singing. But first, don't forget, keep it handsome. At least you're not on a bunch of country roads in L.A. Are there country roads in L.A.? Country roads take me home To the place Babylon. West Virginia. Mount Mama. Take me home, LA roads. Hollywood Boulevard. What is this podcast?
When you're going into first and you're feeling where's diarrhea. Diarrhea. Did I say this last time you had diarrhea? When you're... Going into second and you feel something unpleasant. Diarrhea. Diarrhea. Is that how it goes? When you're going into stairs. Sliding into first and you feel a big burst. Second is unpleasant? No? Third is turn. Home is. Third is turn. We're going to third and you feel a big turn. There we go.
And then home is what? Do we know? Foam. When you're sliding into home and you've got... Your shorts are full of foam. Your shorts are full of foam. And then you do have to go... Your shorts are full of foam? Did you have foam? I had no foam. What rhymed? I almost died of a disease that caused diarrhea. You had no foam? Have you ever heard that song? I've heard the first line. But I have not heard about foam. Can you believe I knew all the bases? That was great.
I do want you guys to know one thing, though, before we get into the end of the podcast. Oh, what? Oh, my God. What? What is it? Are you quitting? Fortune, what is it? Fortune, I'm scared. I'll be there for you. I'll be there for you. Wait, how's the rest of the song going? Because you're there for me too. When the rain starts to fall. And it's raining. Guys? Wow. It feels kind of medium-y. It feels... I got goosebumps.
I didn't. I also genuinely thought. I bet you never thought that life would move this way. Your friend's a joke. Wait, your job's a joke. You're broke. Your friends are gone away. Thank you. I almost beat my pants. Not on my couch. It was so close. I'm good. I'm okay. I did it. Chat with friends on the Handsome Pod. Chat with friends on the Handsome Pod. Wow. We've never done that. We've never done it live. No.
Handsome is hosted by me, Mae Martin, Tig Notaro, and Fortune Feimster. The show is produced, recorded, and edited by Thomas Ouellette. Email us at handsomepod at gmail.com. And please follow us on social media at handsomepod. What a podcast! What a podcast! That was a HeadGum podcast.
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and casualty insurance company and affiliates, Northbrook, Illinois. Hey, hey, I'm Lamorne Morris. And I'm Kyle Chevron. And we're here interrupting your workout to tell you about the LaMorning After podcast, now on HeadGum. That's right. Every Wednesday, a new episode drops and we... Wait, Lamorne, what are you doing over there? It's nothing, just that.
Just polishing my Emmy. Why? Because we're now the only official HeadGum podcast hosted by an Emmy winner. Is that true? Probably not. But Jake Johnson's on HeadGum. Does he have an Emmy? No, but he has been a guest on The Morning After. Which might be an even bigger honor. I mean, and we have other amazing guests like Glenn Powell, Raven-Symoné, the cast of New Girl, and many, many more. Plus, we play games, we tell stories, we poll the fans for questions. We poll them for questions. Cheers.
pulling them constantly up and down sideways backwards it's a lot less weird than it sounds you'll see Subscribe to The Morning After on Spotify, Apple Podcasts, Pocket Casts, or wherever you get your podcasts. And watch video episodes on YouTube. New episodes drop every Wednesday.