Ed Helms asks about a hill you'd die on

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Welcome to the Handsome Pod. I'm one of your hosts, Fortune Meemster. And I'm Mae Martin. And I am your third and final host, Tig Notaro. Hi, guys. Hello. I miss y'all so much. Do ya? Yeah, I've been thinking about you and now you come on here with this sexy new haircut. Yes, yes I did. And your lumberjack shirt. Yes, I did. Just looking all handsome-y. Very Jack Kerouac. Now, here's something interesting that I didn't know. I'm in jeans, a white t-shirt.

And a flannel. Yeah. And somebody here in Toronto, I'm out here filming season two of Starfleet Academy. And they said, thank you for wearing your Canadian tuxedo. Also with a flannel? Yeah, incorrect. Incorrect. That's what I thought. Who's this dumbass Canadian? Hey, there's already enough trouble between the U.S. and Canada. I think that's an imposter. I think that is an American. It's American, yeah. Yeah, because definitely Canadian tuxedo is double denim, right?

That's what I thought. It's double denim. To me, you're wearing like almost an American iconic classic combo. Yeah, this was a dumbass American who said this. Hey, Fortune Marie. What? I'm calling it like I see it. OK, well, either way, I just I said, yeah. And I thought, well, I must not know something. And I was just zipping between wardrobe and hair and all that. And just as I didn't go back to.

do my typical thing of, I'm sorry, I didn't fully understand. Can you go back and explain to me what, and I don't mean this as any offense, I just want to clarify. Were you saying,

I feel like that's me walking around the planet. Really? You feel like you do that? Like something will stay in your mind and then you'll go, wouldn't you said on Wednesday that? Oh, I can't move on. Like if somebody, huh? I said, oh, really? Are you being sarcastic? Because I need to go back and clarify. Are you being sarcastic? No. No, just if somebody says something and I don't fully understand.

I have to stop and get clarification. If anything, you look like the brawny paper towel guy. What about just a lesbian? Yeah, fortune. Nobody has mentioned that. Everybody's like Jack Kerouac, Brownie. How about Tiggy? You look like a big old dyke. Okay, dyke. Yeah. Oh, man. I think that's good to check for clarification because think about all the misunderstandings in the world that you could carry a grudge for years just because you didn't check. What did you mean by that?

Oh my gosh. I am constantly just needing to understand. And then a few times I step, I make a misstep and I come across as more aggressive than I meant to be. Yeah, because I didn't, I'm not meaning to be aggressive. I'm just trying to get my point across or like go back and clarify and ask some questions. And then, and then it's like.

oh, you know, whatever. And then I'm like, no, I did it again. To them, it sounds like you're going, hey, can I just clarify? Why were you such an asshole two days ago? Right. And I see you're back from May. You're no longer.

I thought about you today that you'd notice that I did come back early. But I might go back out there. I don't think you will. I was supposed to be there for another five days or something. And then today... I'd been alone for three days. Then I had friends come up and my friend was packing up her car and like she was packing. And I suddenly thought.

I got to get in that car. I got to get out of here. And so I packed up as much as I could and I got, so I'm back for a couple of days and it's real, I got to say, it's really nice. Well, let me ask you this. Did you bring all your stuff back in the Uber? No, I brought what I could fit in my friend's car and then I got still stuff up there. So I got to go back. You got to go back. Okay. Or are you going to send your assistant?

I could. Mae was like, I didn't even think of that. I never think of that. Yeah, you're right. I could do that. Oh, well. Just pay for the gas. It is nice to be back. What is so nice about being back? Like specifically that's hitting you where you're like, ah, this feels good. I think I just have like a creeping sense of guilt about being like.

on vacation like just and not that I'm doing work up there like I'm gonna do all the same things here but it's just nice and all my little objects it's nice to know I can get my forks not there that's a bad example but like stuff that's mine, you know? And what are you working on currently? I'm working on a pitch for a new series that I'm pitching soon. And then all kinds of stuff. Oh, because Wayward is just a...

It's like a limited series. Yeah. It's eight eps. But man, I had a good time up there, guys. And I'm going to go back. And I had my friends from grade eight come and visit. Did I tell you about that? No. Up there in the woods. So these are friends who... If I'm being honest, we weren't even that close in grade eight. I appreciate that honesty. I gotta be. But we were friends in middle school and then they had come to shows in the past couple of years. And then I hear myself go to one of them.

about three months ago, I go, you should come to this cottage that I rented. And she even was like, you don't know me. And she goes, what are we going to talk about? Like people from grade eight. And I was like, exactly. Were you interested in her at all? No, no, these are two old friends. Yeah, both. No, not both married, but two old friends. So they one of them flew from San Francisco, one from Vancouver. And it was so fun. And they brought their yearbooks and we went through.

we talked about every single teacher and student. We talked about where they are now. We talked like light on their middle school experience too. It was incredible. That's really interesting. I can't believe they came with someone that you barely have talked to. I know. And it was the best. It was like, it was like picking up where we left off. And I do have, so Amy brought her old.

grade seven diary. So she was 13. And we weren't even that close. So I was like, Oh, there won't be anything about me in there. Can I read you guys this? Please. Toxic diary entry. Yeah. I guess, okay, Claire and I, there it says, Amy and Claire. Claire and I had beef because she made out with Mark Raven Zemla. Oh, I heard about that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Everybody heard about that. Yeah, yeah. Okay, so that's referenced in this diary. So, okay.

So this is what Amy wrote and she presented it to me. She goes, Oh my God, this is so funny. Like you, and, and I'm hearing it going, I'm, I'm toxic in this. Like I am so. clearly in love with this guy, Will Smythe. And I've invited over Claire and Amy to Will's house. Yeah, Will Smith. Not to be confused with Will Smith. Yeah, he's the knockoff, do-it-yourself version. Yeah. The DIY Will Smith. Okay, so...

Picture me, braces, acne. I'm friends with a boy, which I'm excited about. I'm at his house. And I think I've decided I'm going to invite over these two other girls to just show him I have friends or show them I'm friends with a cool boy. That's my interpretation. Okay. May called me from Will's house and invited me over. Oh, and by the way, I'm just, I'm in this dire entry. I'm she, her, and I'm just going to do that. Okay. I really.

Because you're going back to that time. Yeah, yeah. You couldn't have been more what? More she, her in that moment. Like braces, acne, long hair, obsessed with Will. Okay. Will Smythe. Will Smythe. Okay. May called me from Will's house and invited me over. So I went to his house. Claire was there too. Claire was flirting so much with Will and he was reacting even though May hates Claire and Will is good friends with May. May didn't like it at all. So then we kind of played broken telephone.

between the three of us, with me being in the middle. So I'm saying to Amy, can you tell Claire this? Because I'm not speaking to Claire, even though I've invited them over. So May asked if Claire liked Will, and Claire said no. Then May said, still through me, that she was leading him on and it was bad then claire just leading on will also what's how is it my business i'm like you're leading him on like just because i love him right like clearly i'm in love with him

And you weren't getting a vibe from him? No. All I remember about him is people would say, oh, you guys are like Ross and Rachel. Like, will they, won't they? And I was like, they will. Trust me, and he was not interested. Okay, then this is so dramatic. But maybe now that you've had top surgery. You think then Will would be into it? Maybe he'd be like, hey.

You know, that's all I was looking for is a little short hair, top surgery. You know what I mean? Because that is you before was not what he was looking for. You don't have acne. You got short hair, got top surgery. What I'm getting from this is that Will is wildly interested in everyone else but me. Okay, it's almost over, but it gets dramatic. Then Claire just stood up.

and sat as far away as possible from us. I felt really bad because I was the one who said it. And I think Claire was kind of mad at me, but then everything was okay. Later on in the night, get this, Will was flirting with me, she says. So now Will starts flirting with Amy. Oh my gosh. This is crazy. My plan has backfired, right? This is blowing my mind. Thank you, Tig. Yeah. And all Will wants is to get blown. Right? Fortune Marie! What?

For the whole end of the movie, we were watching Road Trip. Classic. Will had his head in my lap and his arm around my lower back. Whoa. So imagine me. fuming at this, right? Oh, for sure. Steam is blowing out of your ears. This is so bad. It says, while he was like that, May whispered to me asking if I liked him. I said, I don't know. Then she said he liked me. So I told her I liked him. This is so embarrassing. For the rest of the night, May kept taking us aside one at a time. No.

to talk about this. Yeah. May kept taking us aside one at a time. And then at the end of the night, she said that Will's going to camp this weekend for two months anyway. So that's why he doesn't want to ask me out. I was like, okay, but it was so embarrassing to be me. The end. Oh my God. And do you have any recollection of this? There's some distant memory of being at his house and being excited. Maybe he was like, can we invite some other?

people over. This is boring. And I start calling through my class list and I get Amy and Claire over. And were they just inseparable? They were pretty close, but not besties. No. Oh, so the fact that the three of us were there and then the three of us have now found each other.

each other at this cottage oh my god 20 years later i just love you pulling everyone aside like we need to talk about this how controlling you really needed to get information over and over again i'm just like trying to establish who likes will Does Will like them back? And then I want to let them know, listen, he's going to camp anyway, so you're not going to have him. This is that perfect example in life where it's like, get over it now because you're going to eventually get over it.

A hundred percent. That would have felt so intense to me in the moment. And yeah, I have no memory of it. And does anyone know where Will is? No, I actually just looked for him on Instagram. I couldn't. I mean, there's a lot of Will Smiths. He's getting jiggy with it. No, no, no, no, no, no, no. Get it? Thank you. I'll be here all day. Willie? How insane to take people aside one at a time. Uh-huh. You got to get that information, baby. That's how you do it. Hey, we need to talk.

Do you connect with that part of yourself still that you're like, even if it's not totally exactly what you're reading? Are you like... That is a little bit. Yeah. That's what I'm hating is that, yeah, it does. Well, the like almost limerence, like that I'm, I'm just into someone I got blinders on and I'm like.

I don't know, I'm getting myself in a mess about it and I'm, and I'm, I can just feel the emotional energy like radiating off me. Yeah. Yeah. What do you think would have happened if it was the three of us and Will?

You'd have him. You would totally get Will. Do you think? Oh, yes, I do. What would we have done with Will? Well, Fortune and I would have been cuddling. That's true. Yeah. That's true. I would have been combing Tig's hair, putting lotion on her arms. That was my go-to move. I just wanted to touch someone, mainly women.

and did you announce that beforehand i just want to touch someone your arms look dry are you serious yeah yeah this is my signature move your arms look dry do you want me to put some lotion on them they're like sure there had to have been an entire school of women, of girls talking behind your back going, Oh my God, she, she put lotion on my arms too. She said, my boobs look dry too. Never talked about boobs. I was a classy gal.

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I kept it to lotion and I would just, I would just, it kept it to the arm right here, the forearm. The forearm. And it was the greatest feeling in the world. The arm is connected to the boob though. That's true. It didn't touch a single boob. I don't believe you. I promise you. I think you were putting lotion on dry boobs. I was too scared of women to try any sexual thing. Lotion was as far as I got. But you didn't even know then.

that you know i had no clue but yeah i mean there's there's a couple friendships i had in high school that were clearly so gay yeah so without any without any kissing yeah but it was like writing notes to each other leaving them in the car on each other's car in the lockers so intense when they would like have a date going over to their house and like cut like spooning and cuddling and just like so intense about each other i'm like this was so gay

Were you like, let me spoon you? No, we just did it. We just, like, were cuddling. And I remember... This one girl's mom kind of looking at us like, what is happening? And we were like hugging on each other all the time. And like, it was, yeah. I wasn't affectionate. At all. I love affection. I'm a, I enjoy it now. I'm just saying at that age, I was not, if somebody was going to cuddle me or you would have liked it.

No, I would have been like, you know, what? Freeze up. So would I feel like your move might have been would you like kind of. make fun of people as you're flirting, like your move, you'd focus in on some, but you didn't even know you were flirting, but you were just like, I always make fun of that one girl. Cause I like how she laughs when I do it. Yeah. Oh yeah. I mean, Definitely. And I had this one friendship. I guess I had two, maybe three friendships where.

There definitely was a gay vibe and I definitely felt like they saw me as like their boyfriend or something. Yeah. And, and I would easily upset them and they were. One of them, her boyfriend came up to me and asked me to stop spending as much time with her. Oh, my God. Funny. Yeah. So, but I was clueless. I was just like, I didn't know. It's that thing that.

It's just naturally there between people and the connection is kind of crushy, romantic. Yeah. But you're young and, yeah, it was confusing. Yeah. For sure. But I wasn't putting lotion on anyone. I didn't have a crush on every single girl I was good friends with, but there was a handful where it was Crush City. And have you talked about it now as an adult? Have you been like, yeah, I had a crush on you?

um i don't think so i don't think i've ever a couple of them i don't talk to them anymore yeah and a couple i do but it was never a thing Let me recommend like getting your old middle school friends together to just shed light on like that time. Like there was so many details that I'd forgotten.

And weird scandals in the class in grade eight and things that I'd forgotten. And it was so, it was so nice. I love it. I love how dramatic people are when they're young. Especially middle school. It's just like. And then the people that are so dramatic now, imagine what they were like. In middle school. I mean, because there are still those people now that is, I cannot, I cannot believe how dramatic and stirring stuff up. Yeah.

And then thinking about them as a kid, it's like, whew, ebbly. Ebbly. Ebbly. So you're in Toronto today? Yeah. And I want to say one last thing about that. I've had... a couple of people that I grew up with saying, did you have a crush on me? Or my friend thought you had a crush on me. Like after they found out I was gay. Yeah. I did not have any knowledge of any crush on anybody.

Yeah. You know? And always the people that ask you are never the people that you had a crush on. Yeah. Or you're like, no, no, no, no, no. But yeah, I'm in Toronto. We've been on vacation. for a long time and then got back. Stephanie and Max and Finn went home and I went to Toronto. It's that weird feeling of I immediately miss my family when we said goodbye at the airport. But.

And this is no offense to anybody in my immediate family, but there was something nice to just check in to where I'm staying in Toronto and just... decompress and settle because we have been traveling nonstop for the past couple of months yeah and um yeah yeah it's it feels nice and it feels good to be back at star trek everybody's so Nice. And I did almost four hours of ADR today.

Oh, my God. For the entire first season where they just added more lines in. And I redid a few of my old lines where there was audio glitches or I didn't deliver it well. But they also just added so many. Like full plot lines that are just on the back of your head. Yeah. No, but I have to say like, it looks really good. I'm really excited. And I had talked to my friend, Alex, who is the creator and runs the.

whole Star Trek universe. And he was like, Tig, it's so good. I mean, of course, you know, as we've we know, Holly Hunter is the lead, but also the the young cadets. on the show to every actor on this show. I'm just like, wow, you're good. You're good. You are good. How do you find it watching yourself? Are you, you're used to it by now. I'm used to it, but I'm, I'm more still kind of in the, it's still fun to see myself in the Star Trek world where I'm like.

In like high stress explosion, you know, that kind of thing. And I'm just not normally in that, obviously. You're seeing it with all the special effects done and everything? Um, no, not necessarily, but the, the, the you, you like rock and get knocked over and, um, You know, just that kind of stuff. So fun. But just to see myself so intense, like trying to get us out of situations and telling everybody what to do as a commander.

I don't know. It's fun. I remain happy and proud to be a part of the Star Trek universe. Is it the same crew? Like the same people? It's like the same makeup and hair and stuff. Oh, oh, oh. There's some people that came over from Star Trek Discovery. Nice. But there's also some new ones and they're all just talented, nice, great.

all of those things and it's true i'm pumped to go to toronto i miss i'm jealous that you're there yeah i'm gonna be there soon i think we're gonna miss each other though i spent two summers there it's so weird not knowing i'm not going back no more foobar

I know. How do you feel? I saw that. And how do you feel? And I'm so sorry about that. That's all good. Oh, did you, did you post something on, I guess on Instagram? No, it just, it just, they didn't renew it. Oh, okay. That's so tough. Cause did you.

like when you end one season if you think it's coming back you don't really do all your goodbyes properly yeah i mean a lot of the a lot of them live in la so um it's just like well like tig tig's hair person is this same one i had yeah so it's so crazy like i i miss so many of the crew um it's weird not to get to say bye to them um but yeah tell her goodbye for you please um

My sweet Sherylann. Um, I, yeah, there's like some not closure to it and you, you kind of mentally go, cause we thought we'd maybe have three seasons and that would have one more. hurrah in toronto but it it all worked out i i booked a new show um yeah that starts in a couple weeks that i'm excited about wow that's quick yeah it's a will ferrell um I thought you were going to say it's like a Will Smythe situation. It's just like Will Smythe where I kept whispering if people like him.

But where you're sad about one thing for a minute and then something else comes along. Yeah, I mean, honestly, I wouldn't have been able to do this one. if that had had been renewed so it's like one door closes this other cool opportunity opens will i love will ferrell he's like my and it's will ferrell and molly shannon So you talk about when I was in high school, I worshiped them. They were my SNL cast. I told them the other day, I said,

watch your sketches and I memorized them and I performed them for my friends. Um, and so like, can we see it? And to like have this full circle moment where I'm like, with the two of them is nuts and yeah it's a fun show about uh he's a golfer and i play his caddy um but i'm like his mini me i'm like his shadow like throughout the show so it's a trip I wish to be playing off of him for this entire show. So I'm really excited for it. What is it on? Netflix. Oh, nice. I'm so excited to see that.

comedy dynamic whatever it is between you and him like yeah are you and our hairs the same what and so is it just the three of you are there other cast members there's a couple other people yeah but it's a small it's a smaller cast uh-huh That's awesome. I mean, my fantasy is always getting people to laugh. Like if you get to crack up Will and ruin a take, that would be the dream.

I know. I mean, I did these two other movies with him, but like really only like a short scene in one. And then the other movie I did with him recently, he and I didn't have scenes together. um but i just doing the one scene with him in that first movie i was like this is like the dream and then then the scene got cut oh so it feels like okay that was just like a fun practice to this because yeah

This makes up for all of that. Yeah, and the way that it's written is it's going to lend itself to a ton of improv and a ton of bouncing. We're basically going to be like a duo. Yeah, for a good chunk of it. I mean, he's the star, but I'm like the person that he keeps coming back to. So it's a trip. You guys are going to become one of those famous comedy duos. Feral and Fortune. Feral and Fortune. Feral and Feimster.

Him and Molly are so, so the table read is watching the two of them is hilarious. Does she have a caddy in it? Can we sign up? Can me and Tig be her caddies? She's not a golfer in this, but. You never know where it will go. But that would be even funnier if she had two caddies and she's not a golfer. Well, tell the writers. Let's call them up.

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Well, let's get to our question. Today's question asker is a Screen Actors Guild and Writers Guild award-winning actor, comedian, musician, and writer who played Andy Bernard in The Office and Stu in the Hangover movie trilogy. He co-created and starred in Rutherford Falls and recently published a book titled Snafu. Ed Helms is asking today's question. Nice. Oh, hello, handsome. How are you?

I am traveling. As you can see, I'm in a car. I just landed in Chicago and I'm on my way to my hotel and it's so funny. When you're traveling, I'm actually on my book tour right now, by the way, I'm going to shamelessly plug it. The book is called snafu, the definitive guide to history's greatest screw ups. Read it. It will make you smarter. It will make you funnier and it will make you a killer.

at dinner parties so there's that and yes i'm on the road and and i keep when when when you're traveling you just keep running into these like little frustrations these tiny little things that these hiccups, things that go wrong or are, are, you know, the, just moving through airports, there's, there's like slow people in front of you or, and you're in a hurry or like you get to the hotel and like, there's no.

there's no soap or there's no towel or something like that. Just all these weird little annoying things that are super frustrating. Uh, and it's just, it's, it just made me laugh. Like how passionate. we get about things that don't really matter that much things that don't really have that big of an impact on the universe. But, but those are some of the things that we just get so like intense about. So my question is, what is a really mundane hill that you will die on?

What is something that is basically meaningless, but you have just an incredibly strong opinion about? All right. I have one of these. First of all, Ed's so funny. I love it. He plays the banjo. Yeah. And that's such a fun instrument that I really wish I could play. It's so, like, I don't know in what world I would have, as a kid, been like, I want to play the banjo. Me and Steve Martin both play the banjo really well.

Yeah. Also, that book sounds like my dream book. It's like interesting facts about history. It's like for people. He also has a podcast called Snafu. Yeah, it's Snafu, the podcast. oh i'm gonna listen because that's all these things right now on audio especially when he said um You'll be a hit at dinner parties. I was like, oh, I can plan my human interactions. He also had me moderate his Q&A for his snafu book.

thing in Los Angeles. I just remember. Yeah, it was a, it was a funny night. It was a funny night. People are still so obsessed with the office. It's wild. Yeah. Deeply.

I was on The Office for one episode. Oh, really? Yeah. And people will be, they know me from nothing else but The Office. And they'll just be like. Are you from The Office? I mean, I guess. It went off Netflix, but when it was on Netflix, it was like their most watched show of like all time, I think.

like it is one of those ones that you can just have on in your house while you're like it's so soothing and so funny and never ages it's there's so many of those seasons i've never seen really Ed is also one of those really just sincere, nice guys, you know, that his comedy can just sneak up on you, which makes it all the more hilarious. I did this independent film with him years ago and I had never, aside from being in the office, I had never worked with him really.

And I was stunned by, of course, he's funny. He's on a show where you improv. But like... I just kept saying to him, your stupid face, like, because it made me laugh every time I looked at him. And he had a million. I guess I'm just explaining improv to two people that know improv and do improv. But I just, I was so, you know how not everyone is nailing it with improv. Ed Helms, nailing it, nailing it, nailing it. Just such a funny guy. And to this day, he...

is like, yeah, me and my stupid face. Just a callback from that. But he's, I just, he's so kind of unassuming, you know? Yeah. Except he's walking around airports irate about... About meaningless things. And he's, he's from the office and a bunch of other things, the hangover. So he's not terribly unassuming. Yeah. Fortune. Did you have a thing that.

I have a hill I will die on. It's not travel related, though it happens a lot when I travel for sure. Because I will say in general, most things slide right off my back. I think I can say, and my friends would agree, that I'm pretty easygoing for the most part. I will get worked up, for sure, like anybody. But in life, in general, pretty chill. You're a cool cucumber, yeah. I'm a cool cucumber. So things go awry. Eh, whatever. But for whatever reason, I am so obsessed.

With my coffee order. Are you familiar with the comedian Henry Phillips? No. He has an internet, a video. He's so funny. He has a video series called. You and your fucking coffee. I would be, he would be annoyed by me. Look up, well, it's just all of those situations where people are particular and outraged. Yeah, outraged. Check him out, Henry Phillips. It's the one thing I'm very particular about. So here's my coffee drink of choice. It is espresso on ice with a little bit of oat milk.

So technically, it would be considered like an iced version of a Cortado. Cortado, yeah. Okay. I'm going to remember that. We both have to write that down, Tig. I already knew it before she said that. Yeah, write this down, you guys. Shit. If I get that wrong, okay, yeah. So here's the problem. Back in my other times in life, I would drink a latte. And then I went on this.

this diet where you could you had to pull out all like the sugars and the creams and stuff and i just drank straight espresso so during that time i learned to really love just espresso but it's it's a lot you need to cut it with some milk you know because otherwise it can be kind of bitter so it made me be very like cognizant of like how much milk is in a latte And a latte is essentially an entire cup of milk with a dollop of espresso. So it's almost white.

So when you order a latte, you're drinking a cup of milk. Yeah. And I don't want a cup of milk as a grown ass woman. I want to taste the espresso because I love the taste of espresso. So I will go to a coffee shop. Now, you need to settle down because we didn't do your order wrong. I know, but don't take it out on us. This is how passionate I am, guys. All right, but ease up, Fortune Marie. This is the hill I'm dying on.

You're gesturing like you're running for office. Maybe she will. People are better about it now. But in early days of ordering this, I would say to people, can I get an ice cortado? And they go. Cortados aren't iced. And I would say, but it's just a Cortado. And you put ice in it. And there were baristas that would fight with me. They're not iced. And I'd go, fine.

Can I order a Cortado? And can I buy a cup of ice? No, it's more work for them because now they've got to go foam the milk. You don't got to foam the milk. in a nice cortado you just pour the milk into the espresso bloop there it is so they would do all this stuff foam the milk heat it up put it in a and then put it in a warm cortado cup hand me the ice and i would literally take the cortado and pour it into the ice did you do it like making eye contact yeah now i'm just wasting cups

Even though I paid for the ice, it's so stupid. You're not. They are. They are. And it would drive me nuts. So I stopped asking for an Ice Cortado because so many people are like, you know Ice Cortado. oh wait where are you getting your coffee that they're talking like that there are coffee places where the baristas are real snotty yeah yeah so now so the sweet spot that i've landed on now is i say

I would like to order an espresso on ice with a little bit of oat milk, and there's no problem. Yeah. Guys, it's literally just an ice cortado. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But you had to describe each ingredient in order to get...

the thing that you wanted i had to just say it all because then sometimes people would give me an iced americano and then put milk in that and i go and i can taste it right away i'm like oh there's water in this right you don't want the water oh yeah you don't want water in it no

No. And so, um, what now, if someone gets it wrong, I am scared. Now, if someone gets it wrong and you're in a hurry or they give you shit about it, like.

Are you telling them the way you just told us? Yeah, I will say, can I get espresso on ice with a little bit of milk? Some baristas are so lovely that they'll make the... espresso put it in the ice and they'll hand me the oat milk and go here do it yourself and i go thank you oh you like that i love it okay because i need here's where you want to land with your drink it needs to be like a caramel color

You don't want it too dark because that's not enough milk. You don't want it white because that's too much milk. That's for babies. It's for babies. You want like a caramel colored drink. So I do it just enough. I look at the color and I go, perfect. When I'm at a restaurant and I'm ordering dessert, I usually like something a little chocolatey. Okay. And I like to have just espresso.

I love just straight espresso and chocolate. Are you not into that? I like at the end of like a nice Italian meal. Love it. Yeah. But to start my day, to start my day, I want the milk in there. Yeah. Okay. But you can also order a macchiato. That's a espresso shot with just a little dollop. I have a question. So you're...

You're against, you don't want water in your drink, but what happens as the ice melts? Like, do you have to drink it fast so that the ice doesn't dilute? I have to say extra ice. You'd say extra ice. How much ice are we talking? That was my next question. Fill up the cup, baby.

Well, how big is the cup? Fill up the cup. How big is the cup? Some of it's going to melt. So that's why you don't want extra water. Because some of the ice will melt. There's so many baristas listening. But when there's so much ice in there, it keeps it nice and cold. And it doesn't melt as fast. Right, I see. But are we talking like a small coffee cup? Or are we talking a vente? Yeah, like a small, because you don't eat all the milk.

Yeah. I learned a lot about you there. A small cup. And I'm such a snob about the taste of it. Even if they get it right, if I walk out of a car, again, I'm not a waster of money. I appreciate... The value of a dollar. I work hard for it. If I take a sip of it and it's disgusting, I will toss it in the trash can and drive to another coffee shop. Whoa.

Mm-hmm. But you're not going back in there going, hey. Not going back in there, no. No, but you're tossing it. That's just the bean that sucks. Well, this morning, how do you feel about this? Well, you like your ice.

situation I but when I was waiting for my ride to go to work this morning I walked over to this coffee shop and guess what what my drink was room temperature Oh. Didn't ask for that. I wanted it hot. That infuriates me. And then I don't realize it's room temperature until I get in the car to go to my job.

And then I'm like, oh, my God, I'm drinking a room temperature. That's irritating. But I'm not trying to jump on your coffee. No, listen, there's just things you like a certain way. And that's literally the only thing. I'm so particular about to like an annoying level. I'm glad that you're owning it. You deserve that specificity. You and your fucking coffee. Henry Phillips. Look him up.

It's my thing, y'all. I've been trying to think what if I have a thing. Tig, do you have one? What I appreciate very much is if I'm out to eat. I really appreciate if somebody asks before they take my plate. Oh, yeah. I just really appreciate that. I've worked in restaurants, and it doesn't matter if what...

kind of restaurant, if it's nice, casual, it's not hard to just say, may I take this for you? Or are you finished with your meal? Because a lot of times people will just grab the plate when they see like... three french fries on there guess what i was gonna eat and it's just it's always awkward to like grab the plate or you know three taters like oh i was gonna eat that or you know what i mean

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean, I can let three French fries go. I just, I think also it probably comes from my first boss when I worked in a restaurant saying that you should ask, like, can I refill your water? Or may I take your plate? Right. And I guess, you know, people are probably just busy and running around. They just want to get the job done, which I understand. But yeah.

consideration and then also people doing their job well to make things run smoothly yeah yeah yeah yeah sometimes with a drink too like an alcohol like an old-fashioned sure they're small like the content's small You love a tiny drink. I know. I do. I like a tiny drink. But sometimes there's like a third of the drink left and you'll grab it and you're like, what? That's what I'm talking about. It's like with drinks.

Or meals. All it takes is, may I take this for you? Yeah. Are you finished? Yeah, that's all. It's from restauranting. Restauranting. Anything for you, Mae? Nothing irritates you. Everything irritates me. Everything irritates me. But I, yeah, I feel like we all should have really like, because this is sort of stand up in a way is like.

It doesn't get your goat when this happens, but all of us are like, we don't really do that type of standout. Some people just naturally rant about everything. Yeah. Well, one thing that bugs me is... This is so specific, but if you're, let's say I'm getting in an Uber, which I often am with a friend and I go to one side and I open the backseat door to get in and the friend behind me, instead of going around to get into the other seat.

just stands behind you to scooch over yeah and i'm like i often i go okay i'll go around and then i end up going around i i'm like i'm getting in the seat just go around and open the other seat or or vice versa yeah i don't know you're like no scooching no scooching no scooching necessary it's not necessary or if they're getting in first and i

go around, and then when I open the door on the other side, they've scooched. Oh, they scooched. They scooched and you don't have to scooch. No, let's be civilized. Also mayonnaise on burgers and mayonnaise in general, I don't like. So if you were given a burger and it had mayo on it, would you eat it? Would you still eat it? I'd be really strict.

stressed and i'd be like why didn't they say that on the menu mayonnaise to me has no flavor of its own it's just like a lubricant extra calories for no reason just oily and greasy and i'm and i'm sorry what do you mean a lubricant It just lubes up the food. Okay. What does it taste like? Whiteness? I don't know. I don't know. I eat vegan eggs. Eggy, olive oil. I might like vegan eggs more than regular mayonnaise.

I just, yeah, don't put it anywhere near a burger and don't eat your burger with a knife and fork. Just.

Don't do that. Don't do it with pizza either. You know, I have one more thing. Speaking of cars, this actually irritates the hell out of me. When I am in a car. And I am backing out of a parking spot. And somebody just inserts themselves behind me and starts going, you're good. You're good. Just keep coming back. You're good. When I'm like, who are you? Get the hell out from behind my car. You know what I mean? Like I get they're trying to be nice, but just like assuming that somebody.

Yeah. Again, I guess it's the assumption that somebody doesn't say, do you want me to, do you need help? Yeah. Just, you look in your rear view mirror and there's a stranger going, all right, back it up, back it, you're good, you're good. Two more feet, two more. I'm like, shut up. They think you're a pretty little lady that's in distress. Yeah. Unsolicited advice, unsolicited feedback from.

male comics in green rooms when you're first starting out you get on stage and they're going yeah that was pretty good yeah you should do a tag of this and you're like did you say this to any of the other comedians like yeah i don't like that and i don't like when comedians are on stage and it's not going well and so they start almost punishing the audience like and they're like oh yeah let's go into this performance art of like well you just don't get it or like i'm like

people paid to come, like, like don't punish them. You know what I mean? What is the performance art though of you don't get it? It's like people forgetting that their job is to make you. work so they're they're doing bits that aren't going well and they start blaming the audience there and or they start doubling down or they're milking the silence and in a perverse way they're enjoying like that they're bombing and i'm like

Just the joke didn't go well. You can make fun of yourself or address that it didn't go well, but don't be like, you're wrong. That's funny. So often I've heard people say, that's really funny and you're wrong. And it's like, well, maybe you didn't say it right. I don't know.

I had this show years ago, some terrible one-nighter gig in a beach town in Northern California, and I tanked so. Hard. I was tanking so hard. And I just decided to stop. And I sat on the stool and I analyzed my set. in front of the audience and that they were confused at first and then they started to come around. That I love. Okay. Cause I was like, I am so confused. I've been on tour.

I'm having a terrible night and I need to figure out what this is that thing, like in the beginning of the podcast where I'm like, I have to go back and get clarification. I did it in the middle of my set where I analyzed my set. And the audience got so much on my side that they were laughing at me analyzing. And I did like a whole other set analyzing the bombing. I love that.

Okay. Cause I was going to say, you might have, I did that also once in Florida when I was bombing and I walked off stage and I sat down with a couple at one of those like round top tables. And was just like, what do you suppose is happening? Why? That's hilarious. That's like, you've turned it around. You're, you're adjusting in the moment. You're responding to what's happening. I can't, I mean, I am thinking of one specific example of this that.

that got my goat which was it's a charity night you know people are doing their sets there's people that have to go on after this guy and he goes on and his stuff was sort of borderline offensive and just not that And then he, so he sat down on the stage and he started singing something, but he kept saying, oh, all the comics in the back are loving this. Like, you guys are just dumb. You don't get it, basically. And none of the comics were laughing in there. And it was like.

he milked it for, he went way over his time and it was just like, oh my God, that's when it becomes like almost, it's, I think in his mind, he was doing this avant-garde, like, yeah, fuck it. These, they don't get it. I don't know. Anyway. No, that's interesting to hear because when you're saying that, I've thought I was thinking like, well, I feel like I've done some things like that, that could.

be something where you'd be like yeah I'm not into that or but you're doing it with with love almost like like with like a scientist like what is going wrong here and then you're pivoting and you're improvising and it's funny and it's not like I'm right and you're wrong No, I always assume they are fully right. Fully, fully right. Should we hear Ed's answer? Yeah, let's do it.

All right, I made it to my hotel here in Chicago, and I have an amazing view of pickleball courts. All right. That's so funny. I know nothing about pickleball except that people are passionate about it. I don't know. It's kind of polarizing. The courts are adorable. But hey, I got to answer this question. So my answer to the question, I know that.

that I sort of conjured the question in the context of like travel frustrations and whatnot. That's what kind of got me thinking about it. But the more I thought about it, the more I realized my. The mundane hill that I will die on is not travel related. It is food related. Now, the other crazy thing about my answer is that I actually say the opposite in... the book that I just wrote. So hear me out. The mundane hill that I will die on is that pizza is better with pineapple.

Pineapple belongs on pizza. That's right. Yeah, you heard me. That's right. Now, I made the opposite claim in a little aside in the book. I realized I just... I was talking about terrible things and snafus and I made the easy joke that like, you know, that the pineapple on pizza is a national tragedy. I only said that because.

I know that's how most people feel. And honestly, I was pandering. I was pandering to the reader. But the truth is, I love pineapple on pizza. And you should too, because it is perfection. The tanginess of the cheese, the saltiness of the cheese and the crunch of the crust is juxtaposed so perfectly with the sweetness.

And the tenderness of a little yellow ring of pineapple. It's also aesthetically beautiful on anything. So it's just such a lovely thing to add to any dish. But... I have to say, pineapple on pizza creates the perfect culinary manifestation of yin and yang, the salty and the sweet, the triangle of the slice. and the circle of the pineapple. That is a mundane hill I will die on. All right. I agree. I love it.

I love pineapple on pizza and I love his passion for it. Yeah. I have no problem with a pineapple on my pizza. You're coming down and you're, but you're neither here nor there. I'm just, I'm fine with it. I like pizza. Stephanie, Max, and Finn live, live for pizza. And I'm like, this is good. And my father, he used to be a...

an assistant manager at a pizza restaurant. And so I had my fill of pizza and don't, you know, I'm just like, yeah, it's good. And throw whatever on it. I'm fine. I'm with Ed.

And that was great. That was awesome. Yeah. What a treat. I love Ed Helms. I love Ed Helms. What do you guys have coming up? September 9th. is the day today of my premiere of wayward at tiff at the film festival but the show doesn't come out till september 25th but um everybody watch it Everybody watch it. I'm doing all that. But then also September 17th, I'm at Largo in LA with very special guests. So come hang out and yeah, just get pumped for Wayward. What about you guys?

Well, I'm going to be a dynasty typewriter in Los Angeles on September 21st, and then I'll be at the Beau Ravage Resort and Casino. If you are in... Biloxi, Mississippi on September 27th or anywhere nearby or even nearby the state of Mississippi. I hope you come on out because people, I am from Mississippi. And so people are always like, why don't you do Mississippi?

I'm doing Mississippi and I have done Mississippi. Oh, also October 11th, I'll be at the Eccles Theater in Salt Lake City, Utah for the Equality Utah Allies Gala. And yeah, go to tignotaro.com. for all of my live tour dates. And don't forget to make a note, November 14th on Apple TV. Come see me in the good light. The documentary with Andrea Gibson and Meg Fowley will be premiering. I'm going to be in San Antonio and Houston, Texas soon.

Norfolk and Richmond, Virginia, DC, Boston, Mobile, New Orleans, Atlanta, Chicago, Salt Lake City, Charlotte, North Carolina, a bunch of places. So you can go to... my website, fortunefeemster.com for that. Incredible. Also make sure that you subscribe to our podcast, also the YouTube channel. And please, if there is an episode you love,

Pass it along. Share it with somebody that you think would enjoy being a part of this very handsome community. And we have merchandise at handsomepod.com. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. And until next time, keep it handsome. Handsome is hosted by me, Mae Martin, Tig Notaro, and Fortune Feimster. The show is produced, recorded, and edited by Thomas Ouellette. Email us at handsomepod at gmail.com and please follow us on social media at handsomepod. What a podcast! What a podcast! That was a hate gum podcast.

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