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Northbrook, Illinois. Welcome to Handsome. What is your name? Mae. Mae Martin. Hello. And you are? I am Tig Notaro. We also have another host. It's me, Fortune Feimster. What's up? I'm here with my fig plant. Oh, it looks so good. Biggie's over here. I'll reveal him later. Okay. All right. He's getting into his outfit. Yeah. Well, he's taking a nap right now. He's getting out of his outfit.
Right. He's getting into something a little more comfortable. Biggie just got out of the tub and is slipping into something comfortable. What would he look like fully shaved? He is shaved now. If you let his hair grow out, he's like a big puffball. Right. This is the more like smaller version of him. Demure. our kitty fluff um we've been getting her shaved once or twice a year because she i mean
When we got her, she was not fluffy and she somehow overheard and understood what her name was. And she is just a fluff ball. And so for, I don't know if we're projecting, but it feels like she's happier when we have her shave. But we noticed she had a little boo-boo on her stomach. And the vet came to the house, and they think it was when she got shaved.
Oh, the yellow neck. Yeah, that's happened in the biggie. And it happens to be in the shape of the Star Trek emblem. No, that isn't weird enough. Yeah, the vet was like, you know how... the star trek emblem looks and i was like yeah i'm somewhat familiar yeah um so yeah we we had to that was just before we got on we had a little uh fluff pinned down and getting some meds and
Oh, my God. But she's doing well. She's doing well. But she got shaved and she got nicked. Biggie got nicked in his butthole once. Excuse me? is this related or unrelated no inside the groomer was like shaving around his butt and somehow nicked his butthole see this is why i've never had a brazilian wax or anything like that don't do it may No, I would never. Have you ever done it for check? Oh, all the time. What if that was my thing? I've got to go get my butthole waxed. Nicked. I have to go.
get it nicked i will say i want i've only one time in my life got a wax down there down where down in texas yeah down in texas i did it once i went to a place where they did the thing and it was like a full on like a full on everything gone beaver situation because i it was back in the day when i was trying to call for that in your life
i know i was it was i don't know if i was i might have been in the closet still and i was trying to be more feminine and i was like everybody else all the other girls are doing it trying to wear the boys i went to a place and they put the wax on and rip the stuff and someone's just staring at your cooter.
it's and i'm like what am i who is this for what am i doing i think i was single like no one's seeing this you didn't yeah it wasn't in preparation you did it just for yourself i think i did it for myself And then I was like, you know, it turns out I don't need this. Right. It's painful too. Seems like it'd be real itchy in the grow back. Yeah, later. So were you itching your crotch? I was itching my cooch. My coochie.
Kate McGoochie. I missed this. I missed this. You know, Kate McGoochie. Kate McGoochie moved herself to New York City. That's where I am right now. Should I look her up? Well, yeah, if you have a phone book near you, what do you mean look her up? Let me get the old yellow pages out. Flip through to McCooch. Wait, oh, you have your show in New York.
I had my show last night in New York. Yeah, I'm on tour right now. How's it going? Well, I don't know. I mean, you guys tour. I'm not a big tourer and it's crazy. I'm doing these music shows.
And a lot of handsome merch in the crowd. A lot of sweet, angelic, handsome fans shouting, keep it handsome while I'm trying to be a serious musician. Guys, I'm trying to get into this song. Yeah, it's been so... insanely fun though it's yeah thanks i'm really i'm digging it yeah it's crazy something uh were you maybe later were you up late last night yeah how do you know that
And I was going to say, or have you like increased your deep voiceness somehow? You know what? I noticed that too. I think I am very tired and I've also been. singing a lot and using using my voice but why do it does do i sound sexy Well, let's relax here. Of course, always. But yeah, no, it just sounds like I wasn't sure if it was the testosterone or what was going on. Yeah, it could be that. You know what's weird is like some of the songs.
that i recorded like a year ago i can't hit those notes so much anymore i'm like slightly changing the key when i play them live we sing well together i can't ever hit the key so really oh yeah we'd be freestyling yeah You'd be singing down here. We're singing down here. We're singing up here. We're singing up here. We're singing up here. We're singing down here. We're singing down here. I did see Cynthia Erivo and I went, she was like, okay. Oh, you did that?
At her? To her, yes, of course. No. You saw her and you went. I said, Cynthia. And what was her response? She laughed. I mean, she laughed, but also. Probably gotten that quite a bit. I actually don't think she has probably. It's pretty wild. It's pretty bold. It's bold. More than wild, it's bold. Yeah. She was awesome though. She said.
chatted with us for a while, but that is how I started the conversation. That's amazing. Maybe next time you see her, you can be like, we're singing down here. We're singing up here. We're singing up here. I wish you guys were here in New York. I feel like we'd have a good time. I don't come here a lot and it's so New York. Like I walked past Carnegie Hall. I would love to hang out with you in New York.
Yeah, we'd go out in the town. Maybe we can do a handsome show there at some point. Yeah, why haven't we done that? We should do that. I told one of the cadets on Star Trek that I did Carnegie Hall, and she goes, what? You're not Liza Minnelli. That's the only person who can do Carnegie Hall. That's what I said. But I'm doing Carnegie Hall.
Hey, that's a good line. We're singing up here. We're singing up here. Anyway, I thought that was such a funny response to, like she did not believe me that I did Carnegie Hall. Did not believe me. To be honest, I didn't know you did. I didn't know you did either. Okay, now you know, but do you believe me? At least. Yeah, I'm not suspicious about it at all. I believe that you're telling us. Just kidding. But, yeah, I guess that's...
reserved for Liza Minnelli and not Tig Notaro. I walked past a Benihana today and I thought, I'm going to ask Tig and Fortune what a Benihana is. Oh, first of all, Thomas, put it on the list. And it's so crazy you're bringing this up. Put it on the list because I love a hibachi situation. Yeah, and we told Max and Finn we want to bring them to Benihana just the other day. Let's do it.
I want to go. It's one of those words. It's like when I first moved to the States and like Trader Joe's, I was like, what the hell is that? And I've never, I've always heard the word, the phrase Benny Hunt. Is it a phrase? Well, it's the name of a hibachi restaurant. What's hibachi? Like a grill. So it's Japanese. Have you ever seen the guys with the big grill and the people are sitting around the grill?
And the guys are like doing the thing and they're throwing, they're chopping and they're, they throw a shrimp and you catch it. And everyone's like, and then they cut through it in the air or whatever. I don't know. Maybe I made that up, but they should cut through it. It's like rice. and veggies and and if if you eat meat it's a steak chicken or shrimp or all of the above
And they make it in front of you and then put it on your plate. And it's one of my favorite meals is a hibachi steakhouse. I mean. Somebody that makes TV shows, how are you not scooping us up and putting it on the list, Thomas? How is that not a TV show? How is it not? Come on. Wait, what do you mean? You want a TV show about us going to Benny Hutt? No, us doing all of the list. Oh, fuck yeah. Doing the list.
Yeah, you're so right. Why do we pitch that? It's called put it on the list. Yeah. We just pitched it. We will now receive offers. Go on, Fortune. What is your favorite? My favorite hibachi steakhouse of all time is in Raleigh, North Carolina. and it's called conki. Conki. Now, the trick is...
You know, the steak and the veggies and the rice, fairly healthy, but I like to make it unhealthy. They have something called shrimp sauce, which is like, it looks like Thousand Island, but it's not Thousand Island, but it's in that. family and you just dump sauce you just dump it all over your food and it's so good is it like blended shrimp no
I don't know why it's called shrimp sauce because I don't think shrimp is involved. Because the shrimp goes in it. Yeah, that sounds pretty good. It's so good. My hometown has a fast food hibachi restaurant and it's like the light of my life.
I'm hungry. You do look really happy talking about it. I really actually am. You can hire hibachi people to come to your house and do a private hibachi event. They bring their own kind of... big metal table or whatever yeah oh i'm about to go to um london tomorrow and um And I'm going to see Debbie, the hairdresser. Oh, my gosh. And you know what? I never thought I'd see you again. Oh, I was beginning to wonder.
You have me to thank. I reminded you to look her up since you look people up in phone books. Yeah, I couldn't get the yellow pages out. And I was going to I'm doing Kelly Clarkson tomorrow, but she's. ill or so she's not available so it's not she's not going to be the host and i was so pumped to talk about how much we love her on the pod i know she gave us a handsome question i know so who's hosting andy cohen is hosting
Well, that'll be fun. I hope it'll be fun. I find him kind of intimidating. I think he's very funny, but I don't know. I feel like I'm going to want to... Be charming or something. You'll be great. Just be yourself. Just go in there with your bad attitude and everything will fall in place. Yeah, my usual bad attitude, yeah. A handsome listener said, I don't know, it was a couple weeks ago, whenever Jon Hamm...
was on Andy Cohen's show. They always get a question from a person on Zoom, and they called him John Hamsome and said, They got it from hearing our podcast. I didn't see it, but a listener said that. Wait, did we say John Hampson? I bet we did, I guess. Wait, they talked about it on a TV show? On Watch What Happens Live, Andy Cohen show? Someone called him John Hanson. They always take a, for each guest, they have someone zoom in, an audience fan or whatever. Oh.
And they asked that celebrity a question and they asked him a question. But before they asked the question, they called him John Hampson and said they got it from listening to the handsome pod. Do you guys remember anything we've ever said on this pod? I don't think. And then what's worse is that we record.
a little bit in advance and so then we don't we really don't remember what we've said yeah except for pineapple apart we'll always be with us yeah ghost yeah we know that that I'm doing these meet and greets and then people show up with really niche presence for me that like they know me so well from the pod but I don't remember what I've said or how they like someone came with a she's like here's a selenite crystal to put at the altar
in your backyard of the concrete cat. And I was like, fuck, people know me better than I know myself. Or other things too, like really specific things from the pod. It's really nice. We do have on our Instagram page occasionally who said what. so we can go. There are times that our listeners can see.
what things we've said. We also had a handsome handbook for any new listeners that wanted to get caught up with some of our phrases and whatnot. The lore. The deep lore. The lore is there on our Instagram page. This is very unrelated, but it goes back to fluff getting nicked and buzzed. My office here at home, the office doors are glass, but they're like the frosted glass. At one point, Fluff did appear behind the frosted glass and then ran off. Just now?
A little while ago, and I meant to say it when it happened, but we are so far beyond it, but I still couldn't let it go. So you just saw an outline dash away? No, you just see kind of a black... figure and then and then she just bolted uh could have been a ghost i yeah it could have been a cat ghost are there cat ghosts great question how come you never hear about
animal ghosts i have an image in my mind of some kind of dog ghost from some kids cartoon that and it's wearing a little sheet or something but aside from that gosh what am i talking about edie burkell I've told you about her sophomore album is called Ghost of a Dog.
Oh, my God. Yeah. Yeah. Okay, so they're real. You put it on your list to get that album. And I hope you have or will because it is a masterpiece. I mean, I have these little notepads when we're recording and I scribble down like if you recommend a book. or something and then but then this is what i like sometimes i just am scribbling weird stuff creature i guess i doodle this woman with the boobs and boobies She looks like someone who's looking for a good motorboating.
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I should have you on the tour come out. I wish you guys were, if we were in the same city, then you guys should come out. You were on a cruise. I took my mom on a gay cruise. Okay, tell us about that. Did she hook up? Did she hook up on the cruise? Did she find love? She did not find love. Well, she found platonic love all over the ship. We were on the ship for three and a half days.
Was it an Olivia cruise, one of those? It was Atlantis, so gay men. Oh, it was all gay men? It was my mom and I and 2000 gay men. Oh, my. How did you and you were performing on this? Yeah, they asked me kind of last minute. It was like four days before. And and I get I get asked to do cruises a lot and I just can't. My schedule is too crazy.
But my tour doesn't start till April. And I was like, well, I could. And Jackson said, like, you should take your mom on a cruise because I had talked about going on a cruise with her in my last special. And I was like, actually, that might be kind of fun. So I was like, hey, what are you doing? Do you have a passport? She's like, yeah. Do you have a passport? And had you ever taken her on a passport?
I took her on a cruise like 12 years ago, but we were in the same room, which is tough because you need a minute. It's a lot of time together. And, um, and it was a Holland American cruise and like everyone was old and it was just, we were bored and like, she was not bored. I was bored, but this cruise was.
Virgin now has cruises and it's not like those like cattle call type cruises where there's giant buffets. It's like eight restaurants. You just go like you do at a restaurant. It's like updated and modern and nice. it didn't feel gross and yucky and all the guys like treated my mom couldn't my mom couldn't walk
two feet without being stopped and told how wonderful she is and loved. And she was in heaven. Oh my God. And, um, and you know, it's, it was, it was not, it always, always gives me a new appreciation for her as well. because there's so many gay people, and I don't think our straight friends maybe realize this as much, but there are a number of gay people who are still... closeted disowned by their families when they come out and especially there's a number of older gay men who you know haven't
Some of them haven't talked to their moms in 20 years. Ginger. When they see my mom. You know, she gives them a hug because they'll tell her like, my mom hasn't talked to me in 20 years and she gives them a big hug. And she's like, that's a mama hug for you. And she has men come up. And tell her how much they appreciate her support and allyship. And she had a lovely man.
tell her that like his partner's like, he's like, my partner's the best guy I know. He has such a big heart. His family won't have anything to do with him because he's gay. And he started tearing up telling my mom this. So, you know, she just symbolizes. Like any mom that supports their gay or queer kid, it's just a symbol of acceptance and love. And there's so many in our community who need them.
especially like a sort of a southern mom of like that is so nice yeah imagine though if they took it too far like all the annoying things about parenting someone like if she started i don't know I can't think of anything funny. You have ketchup on your face. That type of thing. She started criticizing. Yeah, or they started having bigger... She starts breastfeeding them all. Sorry.
When you said allyship, I just realized that's a good name for a cruise. There you go. I did one cruise, I think, like... So long ago. And what really struck me about them is that on cruises is that a lot of people come from areas that. They have to be closeted or very small or rural towns. And this is a way for them to find and connect with their community. Yeah.
It's pretty incredible. I always feel like the, because I watched that show Below Deck, I always feel like the staff on a cruise ship, it must have a, there must be a lot of interpersonal dynamics and like. Have you ever seen Love Boat? Is that what that's about, the staff on a cruise?
Everybody's in love on the love boat. Yeah, yeah. I could picture us working a cruise ship in a little captain's hat. Maybe Tig, you got a captain's hat. What if at some point the handsome pod, you know you can like throw your own cruises. Yeah, like Backstreet Boys does one. What if Handsome Pond throws a cruise at some point? We got to do it on one of these ships, though. Oh, one of the nice ones. I think I'm too scared. Oh, you don't want to be on a ship?
that movie poseidon like i just feel like a rogue wave is gonna come and then we're gonna be fighting for that bubble there that's in the one but how fun to get in one of the little yellow rafts and like you know how fun yeah just paddle back home now here's my question about the ships these days are people walking around in masks at all Not, no, no, there was like, I saw maybe two masks the whole time. I just remember, you know, when.
COVID happened. Oh, yeah. People are like, oh, cruises are going to go away. When COVID happens, you don't want to be on a cruise, that's for sure. I was actually booked on a cruise. That was going to be my second cruise. Yeah, Melissa Etheridge was hosting a cruise. I was booked to perform on her cruise. Oh, man. And then it never happened. You know, we kept holding out, holding out. And then it reached a point I was like.
I'm out. And then they canceled the cruise. I don't know what the order of events were. I don't want to make it sound like Melissa was like, we must continue to cruise. Well, it gave me a renewed sense of cruising. I like cruising.
it was a fun it was a fun escape you know just because all the men on the ship were so happy and yeah dancing and fun and this was like there's no drama just lightness just like i know drama with 2000 gay guys no drama they don't they don't be sweating stuff on that boat wow they're all hugging and tugging that is
is that a saying i just said it if you just thought of that of your own accord that's really good well i've the word tug's been on my mind because the on the side of the ship it said no tug And so I would joke with my mom, no tugging on the ship. it's a full-blown tugboat so i just but i just thought of hugging tugging that's real good thank you real solid yeah but when you're on a boat with and there was some really good looking guys too i was like
Yeah, this is like, if you were a gay man, you better get on this cruise. Did it make you want to wax your crotch? Yeah, I went straight to that spa on the ship and said, get her done. Get her done. I never want to get, I never want that experience again. You know what? Put it on the list anyway, Thomas. Should we get to our question? Yeah, let's do it.
Today's question asker is a stand-up comedian, actress, and writer who played Gina Linetti on the hit comedy series Brooklyn Nine-Nine. She's written for shows like Parks and Rec, Saturday Night Live, The Kroll Show. And she wrote and directed and starred in the film First Time Female Director. She also hosts the podcast Call Chelsea Peretti. Chelsea Peretti is asking today's question. Nice. Okay. Hey, handsome podcast. I'm Chelsea Peretti. I have a question for you, which is...
To what lengths have you gone to nail an audition historically? Have you dressed up in costumes? Have you used props? Have you pantomimed? Has your audition process changed over time? Are you offer only, et cetera? Okay, thank you. I really love the position of her hands. Yeah. She seems like a very serious lecturer. Yeah. I'm a deep Chelsea fan and I listened to that.
pod and i did when it first started too and it blew my fucking mind she's so funny she's just so unique in her perspective and funny yeah and her husband jordan peels obviously a amazing filmmaker And comedian. That's a lot of talent in one family. Yeah, seriously. And their son is a real talent. I'm sure. I'm just assuming he's got, you know. A book deal. He's like, I hate the biz. Stop talking about the biz. Are you guys good at auditioning? No.
Oh my God, I'm amazing. I've gotten better just out of necessity, but I'm not great. Yes, same. Most of the stuff I've done on... Movies and TVs were offer only. Whoa. The things that I've. Tried for, I've not gotten. I'm similar. The more I want something, the worse I do. I get really nervous. But then self-tapes are easier when you send in a tape or something.
Did you guys know the story about, you know, the actor from she played the replicant in Blade Runner, like the beautiful replicant. And she's been in tons of stuff and she kind of disappeared in the 80s. She was huge. Anyway, she really wanted to play Catwoman. in the Tim Burton Batman. And so she hid in his trailer dressed like Catwoman. And when he went in, she pounced on him and had to be removed. Wow. Was she freshly shaved?
She probably was necked and shaved. Shaved and necked. Ow! That is definitely not a way to get hired. No. Scaring the crap out of a director and being hauled off by security. Yeah. That is noted. I don't have I don't think I've even I've heard of people doing some nutty stuff. It doesn't even occur to me to do anything outside of the box. Right. You know what I mean?
Because I feel like and maybe all of us have been on the other side of it where we're casting people or we're looking at tapes and things and you just know that it's often within a second, you know, and it's not even to do with the. It's just what you have in your head, and it could be so intangible. It could be their voice. It's not going to make a difference if they're wearing cat ears. Nothing at all. Yeah, you could have pigtails and just...
Yeah. Chocolate on your face. And people, if they know you're the one, you're the one. I feel like you'd be good at auditions because you don't radiate desperation. I've never seen you radiate desperation. Maybe you do sometimes, but I've never seen it. And I feel like you could just go in and if you're calm, you act like you don't need it, that's when you get it. The first time I auditioned for something, I was an assistant.
At the director, Sam Raimi's company. Oh, yeah, yeah. He brought me in to audition. for a role in spider-man we worked at universal studios um which was you know in the valley and his uh the casting was at sony pictures And it was at like four or five o'clock in the afternoon. And they let me off work to go to Sam's to the casting.
session at Sony. And if you know LA, that's a hell ride at that hour to get from Universal to Sony at that hour. And so I was an assistant, I was let off work, I go out there. And I didn't even know what sides were. Sides are like just, you know, they were like, oh, here are your sides. And I was like, okay. Right, like the scene you're auditioning with. It's just the scene that they pulled from the script that you're in. I was like, okay, learned that.
And then I went in and I was so... uncomfortable and nervous i was shaking and sweating yeah fumbling through my lines i was i was like 28 years old or something and uh and they just We're like, OK, thank you. And then I got in my car and I had to go back to work in the valley. And I was driving back to Universal going, what in the hell? Did I just do? I just drove.
over an hour to shake and sweat on camera in front of my boss. Like he wasn't in the room, but he, you know, he's going to see the tape. Maybe they didn't even send it to him. I'm sure. And then I got back in the car minutes later and drove. And then years later, I was doing a movie with Octavia Spencer. Yeah, we were talking about she mentioned how she her kind of first big.
thing that she got was this role on spider-man in the spider-man movie and it was that role oh my god oh my god not only that and the role is she's the one standing outside of the wrestling rink, checking the different characters in before they- I think I know that role. That's Octavia Spence. I also auditioned for that. Did you? Oh, my God. Oh, you did? No, no, no. So Octavia's like, yeah, that-
I got that role when I was like, oh, my God, I audition. I worked for Sam Raimi when I first moved to L.A. And she was like, yeah, she said I was the casting assistant. for that movie no and they let me um and they let me audition and she said and honestly i think i remember them flagging that this was the assistant from sam's office and i was hilarious unbelievable unbelievable
And they gave her the part. She got the part and she has the Oscar for, you know, she's, of course. You're very similar. Yes. Do we know it's him or Octavia? Yeah. Being healthy is a big part of my life, but I'm not hardcore about it. I just want to incorporate better habits into my life, like getting more nutrition in my diet. And our next sponsor... makes it so easy to do just that, Orgain. Orgain is famous for their organic plant protein powder. It packs 21 grams of complete protein plus...
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Narrated by Mel herself, it teaches you how to stop wasting energy on what you can't control and start focusing on what truly matters. You, listening on Audible can help you reach the goals you set for yourself. Start listening today at audible.com.uk I wasn't somebody that moved to LA to be an actor. I think once I got my bearings and stand up and I and that kind of built my confidence in a very different new way. Yeah, it just I think over the years. Yeah, scary. And not because I'm.
I think I'm great at acting, but I am mostly offer only because I... People know what you do. They know they want to. Yeah, it's like I whenever I always make the joke that when a director is walking towards me on set to give me a note, I always stop them and say.
Before you say anything, I have no range, but go ahead. What were you going to say? Yeah, I'm the same. I've done only a handful of proper auditions where you wait in line and they call your name and you go in and I'm so scared. But when I was a... kid like maybe i was 10 or 11 and i auditioned for oliver twist the musical to play the artful dodger i'm sure i've told this but i yeah to play the artful dodger and i dressed up in tartan trousers little waistcoat and i
And it was a bunch of boys, but I had short hair. And I had to learn this whole song and sing with the pianist. Consider yourself willing. Consider yourself one of the family. Like that. And I was so... invested in this fantasy of getting that part and it was at like a West End theater in Toronto and my parents had like let me answer this cattle call and I got down to the final two and then I had to go to summer camp and I just thought any minute now
They're going to come and take me out of camp and be like, kid, you got what it takes. Yeah. And obviously a boy got it. And you were singing up here. You were singing up here. Singing up here. Yeah. But I was radiating desperation. Oh, yeah. It's so scary. When I was a kid, I guess I had always sort of had some interest in the biz, though it was so far removed from me for the most part. But I remember when I was like 10, they did an open casting. It was like a Nickelodeon show.
remember it was like wet and wild or something it was i don't know i don't remember the name it was like where kids did all this stuff outside where like games you know or like going network like there's water and stuff um yeah i don't yeah and so they had it at the mall where kids could like wait in line and then they brought you into a room like 20 kids at a time and a producer basically is just like what kid looks like good on would look
cool and fun on TV. And so I dragged my dad to the mall in Charlotte. I was like, we got to go. I got to be on this show. And I made him take me to McDonald's before we went in there. I had grape jelly like running down my shirt. And that was ginormous. I was like. this fat, fat kid. And I'm picturing you in a bonnet. Yeah. I mean, we waited for like four hours to finally get in this room.
And I'm like, like waiting with all these kids to be like, come on, man, don't you want me on a show? And he's like looking around, looking around and he sees me and he goes. no what do you mean no he actually went he like did he needs to go to hell with satan he needs to be the worst thing i've ever heard and i've heard
really terrible things in my life. I had not reached my peak yet. I had not come to the swan I am now. It made me laugh. And guess what? I made my dad go back the next day and he goes, come on. Clearly my skin was very thick because I was like, let's get it. I'm going to need to go back. That is a great ending to that story because I am outraged. I cannot imagine anybody.
Can you imagine how dark your soul has to be to be like, I have for my job, I'm going to make kids line up and they're all going to be nervous and then I'm going to put them down. Also, what you described. About baby fortune? Mm-hmm. I would be all eyes on you. I'd be like, here's our star. I was so fat though. I was so fat and just had jelly running on my shirt and whatever. That's what we're looking for.
I don't think in the moment I realized what had happened. It was years later that I was like, wait a second. Years later it struck you. I was pure confidence at 10. Like, yeah, man, he probably just like was batting a mosquito away. That's really funny. Yeah. So that was my first tryout. You sound like somebody's parent. Are you going to try out for the show? For the television program? You know, in TV shows about high schools and stuff, they post the cast list in the hallway and everybody...
crowds around the list to be like, did I make it in the big show? I don't know if that's a real thing. I never experienced that. The closest I ever had to that was auditioning for theater in college. But you were like kind of... I think you read out loud who the parts were, so you got to just be like the sitting in sadness if you didn't get the part you wanted. Oh, God. Have you ever had a chemistry read? Yeah. I've had to audition people to play my...
my girlfriend and feel good. I, I auditioned, um, yeah, a handful of people. I think we, we, we knew we wanted Charlotte Ritchie to do it, but we. Yeah, that's really embarrassing because they weren't embarrassed or nervous at all. They were professional actors and very... cool, but it just felt so lame to be like, do you have chemistry with me? Can you make it seem like you love me? Well, I mean, Stephanie had to kind of prove that we had chemistry on One Mississippi.
Seriously? On my old show, yeah. Did you? Well, no, but we're pushing through. But I remember also when Sarah Silverman was casting this pilot for NBC. She had a character named Tig. And, you know, it was me. Yeah. But the studio and the network were not sold on me. And so I had to go in and audition to play myself. And I had a full-on out-of-body experience where it was just me and Sarah doing this scene.
And, you know, before we walked in, she was like, you know, just it's just us and our normal dynamic. And I mean, this was like 2011 or something. And I was like, OK, OK. And then it's just like. Everyone from the studio, everyone from the network, all the casting, the director, you know, everybody's just sitting there just staring at us.
And I was like, oh, God, like I didn't want to let her down. I mean, I, of course, wanted the role, but like I really did not want to let her down. Yeah. And I reached this point where I just pulled the mic off of my shirt. And I was like, I got to I got to get out of here. And I just like walked out of the room. Yeah. And Sarah followed me out and she was just like, I remember she did this for me a few times like.
on the Sarah Silverman program and on this pilot that her pilot didn't get picked up, but it was, um, moments where I just, I would be like, what am I doing? I'm not an actor, you know, like I'm. I'm a stand up. I felt so out of place. And I, I didn't want to promise more than I could deliver. And but she would always say to me, when I would be in that kind of headspace, she'd be like, you know,
Let's just do your worst take right now. Let's just do the worst you could possibly do. And I'd be like, okay. And it worked on me every time. I'd be like, it took the pressure off. And I was like, you want the worst? Okay. And then boom, Tig appeared. That's nice. I love that. I had the most Hollywood audition of my life. Congrats. This was about like 2010 and it was for a, I don't remember, maybe CBS pilot or something.
I went through the audition process where I was, I kept getting to the next round and the next round. And then you finally get to the point where they ask you to test or not. And when you test, you have to sign a contract ahead of time. And then the test means. A test means it's a final audition.
It's usually you and like two other people and y'all are the final people down for this role. And if they pick you, you've already signed a contract. It's already ready to go. So there's a lot of pressure once you get to that point. I got to the point where they wanted me to test, but I was working at Chelsea lately and I was like, I don't know if I want to, like I'm happy here and I don't think I want to go down this road.
And so I basically was like, oh, tell them that because this kind of came right before I got Chelsea. And then they all sort of converged at the same time. And I was like, oh, tell them I don't I don't actually want to I don't want to test anymore.
the stars agent like called and was like what is she doing what do you mean she doesn't want to test if she's she's gotta get this is her part she's gonna be a star and she's just gonna turn that down i mean isn't like you know you hear these kind of stories about like people like having these crazy agents they're real
Yeah. And I'm like, and so I, they called me and they're like, he's flipping out and the casting's flipping out. And then I'm like, so then I'm like, I guess I don't really want to do this, but I felt pressure. Like I was young and I was like, get down here and put some jelly on your. shirt and but he's like this is hers we already know we she's gonna be a star like all these things and i'm like oh okay i guess sure but i still knew it wasn't right like yeah and so i auditioned i tested and um
Didn't get it. Of course. I was like, wait, you told me I was going to be a star. I never heard from him or any of those people again. so hollywood oh my god that just reminded me of something i was doing stand-up in new york city and this woman came up to me after the show and she was like Oh, my God. I was laughing so hard. I fell out of my chair. She was like, I am a casting director and you have to come down. It was like this huge casting place where you.
Every different room, there's like somebody, they're casting commercials and Broadway and TV and film and like, and she and I show up and it's like all these people waiting in the in the lobby to be called in for their auditions. And I went in and I checked in. They were like.
oh, Tig Notaro's here. And they went and got the woman, like I bypassed everything, you know, and she brought me in and she was showing me around and taking me room to room to show me all the different types of auditions and people. that she was introducing me to she was they were like
oh, we heard all about you and how funny you are. Like this woman had told everyone about me. And then she goes, you know what, since you're here, do you want to just go in and audition for a commercial? And I was like, sure. And so I go in. Oh, my God. And she's sitting there and the casting guy is like, all right, so you're a mom and you're taking your family in a minivan to Disneyland and you're surprising them. So.
You know, like, let's really surprise the kids. You're going to Disneyland. And I was like. hey kids uh i was so uncomfortable it's like hey kids it's me yeah it's like hey kids uh hop in the van we're going to disneyland and they're like okay but he was like okay but like really excited like you have greatly this went on and on and i was i mean he got me up to maybe hey kids get in the van we're going to do like it was so terribly uncomfortable and uh i left and she never responded to me,
Oh, no. She made such a spectacle out of me. Oh, my God. I remember her name, I think, was Stacy something, casting director in New York. If you are out there. If you're listening. Uh-huh. Stacy. Yeah. You're just going to give up on our girl. yeah yeah you're gonna treat me like i got jelly on my shirt um yeah it's it's so it's like tigs here you know it was i think the next time i was in new york I like reached out to her and never ever responded to me. Yeah.
When me and my friend wrote Feel Good and we had a part for him and he was the co-writer of the whole show and everyone was like, yeah, great. It's this little part. And then we kept being like, so when can.
when can joe tape for that part or like work is he just gonna get the part or you know he's like i'm happy to tape for it but you know yeah he's the co-writer like we wanted and he's acted before and then one of the producers sent an email and she accidentally cc'd joe and i on the email and no she hadn't deleted like the thread of all the emails where she was saying to the casting director and the other producers
how are we going to tell Joe that we don't want him to play this part? Guys, we have to be delicate about this. We got to tell him in a nice way. We were like... Guys, we got that email. Yeah, got the news. Message received. What if that was her plan all along? What? Oh, to make us read it? Imagine if I started doing that on our handsome email threads, just not deleting me, being like, guys, I want out. How am I going to tell these guys I want out?
I did have one commercial commercial audition that I went to way back in the day. And, uh, I had on these paint, I had on like these loose. pants i'm not sure and i was standing there uh just got an audition room and i looked down and a pair of my underwear is hanging out of my pants the bottom of my pants so i had put on like i guess i had had my underwear from the day before
And somehow got after your waxing. And then when I got into the room, half my dirty, dirty asshole in the door is hanging out of my pillow. Just with the period staying on it. I'll just like reach it down real quick and grab it.
shoved it in my pocket oh my god they think it was method or something well should we hear yeah let's hear what chelsea has to say hey guys so for me i'm actually dressed up right now putting myself on tape for something i don't normally put my hair into a braid or anything because i feel i need voluminous hair to look appealing but today i did go ahead and do that
because it's very greasy due to taking a lot of baths and I don't wash my hair in the bath. Anyhow, I audition very infrequently. And when I do, I... Do try to dress the part. Just drop my glasses. And let me redo this. That was the joke. oh that's really good that's really good Classic Peretti. Classic Peretti. That's her next podcast. She was like, I did another one where I answered it for real, but I thought that was funnier.
Yeah, that is really funny. She is a silly, silly gal. Silly gal. Dressing the part. I know. The outfits of anything or any of these auditions are so ridiculous. I just started just wearing a black shirt and everything. The hardest of is I had to audition for to play someone's mother recently, which was like, I was like, oh, how did I get here? And I was trying to find any.
shirt in my closet that resembled a blouse and it was so hard oh my god just even that word yeah so i ended up with just a regular t-shirt but it was like pink I was like, this'll do. I have a theory that if a woman refers to a shirt as a blouse or a top, they're straight. That is so... True and good. Or so as my girlfriends, but it's actual friends. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh my gosh. I went shopping with my girlfriends and we bought new blouses. It's like, okay.
Agreed. Straight as an arrow. That's really funny. Well, I mean, what a podcast. What a podcast. Yeah. And if anybody cares, my birthday is March 24th. So we care. That's right around the corner. It sure is. So be thinking about what you want to get me. And I will be 54 years old. I am one year away from being able to move into a retirement community. Congratulations. Have you picked the place yet? You know, I did. My old assistant.
His parents lived in like a retirement community in Florida. And he was like, hey, when we're in Florida, my parents aren't at their vacation home. uh we could go stay there and i was thinking like oh boy you know uh what's this gonna be like i I loved it so much. I loved it so much. Like a retirement village? Yes. I told Steph, I called her, I was like, if I sneeze, you can like lock me up in the retirement community.
I mean, I like the golf cart in this community. Look, we all know I'm not a big booze hound, but I love the idea.
and the vibe at every day at five o'clock everyone gets in their uh golf cart drive around the community and drink their drinks and honk and wave at each other oh my god every day and they blare their music whatever music they're into whether it's liza minnelli or know um whoever and they're just driving around waving at each other i mean and then and then the then there's like a little restaurant by the pool and i'm i'm pickleball courts that was the first time i'd heard about pickleball
But I was like, yeah, I'm ready to go. I mean, completely good. Completely. really nice yeah i mean look i like my life but i uh i one day if it comes to that I will not be bummed. Good to know. I don't know why I said if it comes to that. It's not like I'm in a care center. It's not a care center. It's just honking on a golf cart.
With a virgin daiquiri in my hand. But if it does come to that, just know I am. You're just fine. I am so happy. Okay, good. Yeah. And please come visit. I was picturing.
max and finn coming to visit you and then and then i pictured them as adult redhead men coming to you're gonna have these two adult men and they're gigantic i've done everything in my power to avoid living with a man and we're going to have two gigantic they are so huge and it's like they already eat everything in sight they have dinner and then before bed they want another dinner and we're truly like guys we have to get this
narrowed down to one dinner okay it's so insane they just eat everything and they're just like when i hug max i'm like oh my god he could snap me in two and he doesn't oh my god he doesn't realize teens yet yeah there'll be nine in june wow yeah yeah and i'm not joking he could kick my ass uh but that's also not a hard thing to do hello biggie The love of my life. The love of my life. He's had his bath and his robe. Oh, Biggie. That is just a perfect creation.
Biggie, come visit me at the retirement at the villages. Well, don't forget to get a live stream ticket to our show in Austin, April 12th. That show is sold out, but you can live stream it from anywhere. And that link is good for a week. So make sure you do that and have a handsome party if you want and a good gay ass time.
Yeah, have a great last time. What did you say? Hugging and tugging? Yeah. Yeah, go hugging and tugging. Also, the movie that I produced, Come See Me in the Good Light, that... won the Sundance Film Festival this year. It is such a beautiful film. It's going to be, it was just at the Boulder International Film Festival. It's going to be at the Cleveland International Film Festival on April 2nd. There's plenty more dates.
for festivals coming up that will be announced soon. I will also be in Eureka Springs, Arkansas, June 14th. And then I will also be in Provincetown. August 23rd. You know, check my website always, tignotaro.com. And yeah, that's what I'm up to. What about you, Fortune? My tour kicks off April 4th in Savannah, Georgia. Nice. Going after that to Charleston, South Carolina, Albuquerque, Rockford, Illinois, Columbus, Ohio, Greensboro, Roanoke, Baltimore, Pittsburgh.
So those tickets are on my website, fortunefemes.com. Well, I'm not touring, but my album is out. earnest music album. And I'm loving people are sharing it and tagging me and vids it all and it all helps. It's on Spotify. It's called I'm a TV. And I'm at Largo end of March. And that'll be all on my social media.
Make sure to tell your friends about the podcast. Share an episode. Mr. Thomas was telling us that the Anna Kendrick episode is wildly popular. So share that so people can get a taste of our nonsense. And until next time, I mean. All you can really do ever is keep it handsome. We're singing up here.
Handsome is hosted by me, Mae Martin, Tig Notaro, and Fortune Feimster. The show is produced, recorded, and edited by Thomas Ouellette. Email us at handsomepod at gmail.com. And please follow us on social media at handsomepod. What a podcast! What a podcast! That was a hate gum podcast. That was a hate gum podcast.
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Allstate Fire and Casualty Insurance Company and Affiliates, Northbrook, Illinois. Hello and welcome. Hi, my name is Cole. My name is Andrew. We host a podcast called Podcast But Outside, where Cole and I set up a table on the sidewalk and talk to strangers who are walking by. We have a sign on our table that says, Hi, be a guest on our podcast, and we will pay you $1. We are the only ethical podcast.
We have really interesting conversations with really fun folks. Like who? Like Marilyn. Okay. And I was somebody else's wife for a while. But the second one worked out. Well, until he died. Oh, I'm sorry to hear that. It turned out he had a double life. What? What was the second life? He was a crack addict. Wait, how do you hide that? Hold on, how do you hide that? He was a nice old Jewish guy. How did he get addicted to crack?
He started smoking it. I know, but I just, I'm just trying to, I know. That was a good clip. Hey, thank you. And sometimes we even have celebrity friends of ours helping us to interview these random people off the street. Like who? Like Jon Hamm, Adam Scott, Nick Kroll, and Atsuko Okatsuka. So please subscribe to Podcast But Outside on YouTube and podcast apps. And then have a good time.