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Handsome pod Chatting with friends on the handsome pod Chatting with friends on the handsome pod Cheers! cheers welcome to the handsome pod i'm fortune oh boy we have a new producer uh we just hired this guy named mr thomas mr thomas wow
Who are you again? Oh, welcome to the handsome pod. You already said that. Oh, wait. I'm fortune fiendster. You're still fortune fiendster. I'm still fortune fiendster. And I am Tig Notaro. And I'm Mae Martin. And we still got it, guys. We still got it. We still got it. You guys, we're in person together at our HeadGum Studios. How great is this? This is really great. It's the first time it's happened. I've never been to... I've walked by this building a lot. Oh, well, that counts. Yeah.
May has walked by this building walked by this building so in a way it's like I've recorded a bunch of podcasts here exactly yeah it's very cool because we've all been filming out of the country since April oh my gosh times we got together for a holly bob show yeah yeah but this is it it's been so long it really has and i just wrapped Season one of Starfleet Academy. Wow. Starfleet Academy. You've got to be so happy to be home. I am so happy. I mean, and not to say I didn't enjoy my time.
absolutely loved the cast and the crew. I mean, I don't need to do like a rap speech or anything right now, but I had a wonderful time. My gosh, am I happy to be home with my wife and my cubs and our kitty city. It's just like, and just to be able to like also get back in town. Yeah.
come over here and be in person with everybody. It's a real dream come true. Because you kind of have to put your life on hold when you do these shows. I am trying to... grab a lot of minutes like i'm still not touring i'm gonna try and push this like two or three years really really yeah you're just gonna chill Do stand up. I mean, do stand up, work on material locally, whether I'm in L.A. or Toronto, and then, you know, be in my space suit.
and podcast with my buds. Yeah, I love that. My handsome, handsome buds. And Mr. Thomas, hopefully he'll understand how to work the knobs over there. Yeah, that's what you said. Is it going good? It's going pretty good. Yeah, I'm learning. As we go. We're at HeadGum. We should talk about that. That we're at HeadGum Studios. We did. We did mention that. Oh my God. You'd have to listen. I can't listen and do the cameras at the same time.
We do have a special guest today. Oh, yeah, we do. Oh, we do. And our special guest is Crunk. Is there any way to zoom in on his little...
I had sitting by me, and right when we started the pod, he went all the way to the other side of the couch. He made a decision to have some time alone. Okay, Tig... yeah i have a bone to pick with you ever since you dubbed him happy to work it through you called biggie dead eyes yeah right because he is and so now whenever i post a picture of him half the people go there's old dead eyes there's old dead eyes
half goes he doesn't have dead eyes well I've increased engagement on your page yes you have no wonder he's distancing himself he's tired yeah yeah he and I had a Jax is out of town this weekend so he and I've been running errands and bonding. Is she vacationing? Yes, she's vacationing in old Chicago. No, she had to go a friend.
had a family member pass, so she went out there. Sorry to hear that. That's all right. I was expecting a fun tropical vacation with a bachelorette party. I was like, I don't want to bring it down. Nothing can bring us down. nothing what if i was just like yeah she would she's looking at timeshares chicago what is a timeshare oh you you own like
Wait, are we trying to kill the podcast? Sorry, you know what? I know, but you can also say Google it. Our whole pod gives a shit. Is he snoring? Sorry. Okay, explain to me. timeshares. Is it really dry though? Can I tell you what I think it is? That's a quick answer. Geez. Guys. I can tell you what I think it is. Why is it taking so long? Well you've interrupted me. Okay well tell me. It's like you're basically buying like a couple weeks out of the year. You don't own it outright.
Like a condo or something. So like for like four weeks out of the year you can go Or a couple months out of the year. It depends on the amount of time. And you told Jax, go get us one. Great plan. I have follow-up questions, but they're so boring. Oh, let's hear them. Well, it's things like if the place appreciates in value, do you get a return on your investment? Honestly, I don't.
I don't know. Can you believe I'm using language like that? I know. Well, you're a homeowner now. I feel like I'm growing up. I almost started crying. You did? I don't want to be like... just thinking about, I want to be thinking about whimsical delights, you know? I don't want to be thinking about... Like the Pete Pan that you are. Pete Pan. Do you think Pete...
Peter Pan ever went by Pete Pan? I think so. I never thought about. Pete Pan? Pete Pan. Hello, my name is Pete Pan. Because Peter's a grown-up name. Yeah, but if you're working in construction or something, you're going to go call me Pete. Yeah, Pete Pan. Do you think Peter Pan worked construction? I don't think so. When he came... Back from Neverland. And he had to grow up. And he had to join. And he slowly forgot everything. And he couldn't fly anymore. Fortune. And then he.
Probably had to think, well, I built that treehouse for the Lost Boys. Yeah. So I guess I'll put those skills. What else is he going to do? Call me Pete. I'm trying to remember what Peter Pan, how it unfolded. Yeah, well, Sword Fights. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Captain Hook. Is this your pitch in Hollywood? I do think you can own a home and still be Pete Pan. Yeah, yeah. I mean, my home is filled with whimsical items. Yeah. Crystals. Oh, yeah. I just bought...
You know, Marcel the Shell? Oh. I just bought. With shoes on? Yeah, obsessed. I haven't seen it. And I saw Jenny Slate the other night at a show and I couldn't. We need to get Jenny on here. We got to get her on. And I didn't want to tell her that I have a Marcel the Shell that's like.
It comes in a little box, and it's, like, got instructions on how to care for him, and it's so good, and I keep him in a plant. And I got these plants. And why'd you withhold that from her? Didn't want her to feel any joy? Yeah, I thought, you've got enough going on. I don't want to.
lift her up tonight any slate down a notch well i also at the moment have both of her books by my bedside table so i was like because we live in the same neighborhood you stan jenny's play yeah well i just started reading the new one okay it's great anyway whatever didn't you just have your bathroom redone and and weren't you in a situation that you were going to tell us about did i
Tell that on the... No, we saved it. Okay. Because I also saw a comment that was like... On a bonus episode. On a bonus episode. I was like, I know my memory's not great. But Mae was going to tell us about their experience moving into... your new home. I've only been there a couple of weeks but when I moved in the bathroom was like demolished.
Like somebody went in there and like just trashed it. They're renovating it. Yeah, it was covered in shit. Came with the house. But no, there was no toilet. And so the toilet was in. the like garage back house so you bought the house in this condition yeah well no i'm having it renovated oh okay but it wasn't done so i was like okay i'll just pee in the back house in the night uh but i was too scared in the middle of the night
I had to pee. I was awake enough to go all the way to the kitchen and then I peed in a kettle. I peed in it that I brought into my room. Were you asleep? Wow, that's great. I was awake. I don't know if I could have made it into the kettle. I was too scared to go outside in the cold. And I got a kettle and then I peed in it in my room. Went to bed.
Then I woke up and I'm faced with what I've done. Like I'm horrified. I'm an animal. Yeah. And it was just like curb your enthusiasm. Like I bring it into the. kitchen to dispose of this kettle and then the contractors are arriving and are like hey can we have a coffee and i'm like holding a kettle of piss that they don't know about i had to throw it away oh it's been crazy
Maybe you aren't ready to own a home. I know. I'm like peeing in a potty. But you had no recollection that you did it? No, I remember. You know that nighttime logic where you're like, I'm too tired to go outside. Just go get this kettle. Can you believe people? I mean, people still do have outhouses, but that was the situation. That's insane. And like cold, cold winter, like in my. Warm home. Like, totally comfortable to get up and go to the bathroom in the night. It is a full on mission.
conversation with myself like I can hold it I probably go back to sleep I don't need to get up right now and then I'm lying there going no this is going to keep me awake yeah Sleep is so precious. And it's just right there. The bathroom is just right there. Imagine me with a candle. In the outhouse. With a little bonnet on. Yeah, a bonnet. Well, you know, I love a bonnet. Of course you have a bonnet on. Of course. God, yeah. I mean.
what people have gone through, and now you're urinating into a kettle for no reason. No good reason. Why can't we bring back... Did you heat it up? Bed pans. The piss? No, I didn't heat up the piss. Anybody want a spot of tea? A spot of tea. I'm still getting to know like the ins and outs of the house. And I, so two nights in a row, I've been, and I hope my, I don't know if my new neighbors would listen to this pod.
I'm going to say let's hope they don't. They seem super nice. Let's hope they do. Two more listeners. Yeah, that's true. So two nights in a row at like one in the morning, I've been out back like having a cigarette or pottering around. I have a. concrete cat that I found back there 100 years old that has an all I've made an altar so I've been going to tend to the altar anyway okay so two nights in a row I've seen this light in their garden like
cell phone like going like we like that arcing up high and i was like what is going on and then i looked and i see the trees shaking and it's someone on a swing at one in the morning swinging you have a whimsical neighbor wow I know there's no kids that live there. It's two adults. And is it a lady? I can't see it. It's a witch. So I was trying to, and then I thought, are they filming? And then I got shy. So I was telling, actually, Lisa Gilroy this.
friend of the pod yeah sure not yet i mean we're friends with her but she's never been on it and i don't want to have her um so I was showing her the cat altar and then I go, oh, my God. Yeah. So my neighbors, they have a swing and I've seen them like they're swinging at night. And like, I wonder if they'll swing tonight. I hope you see that they're like. And then I realized if they heard me, they'd think I was being like, my neighbors are swingers. That's right. I hope they swing.
saying that about you yeah probably i think i think there's a swinger all these people just living on the edge of a cliff Being all whimsical. And are you liking your house aside from the fact there's no toilet? There's so much going on. This possum, did I tell you about? I think you did. There's a possum. Don't let Tig not hear this. Well. Oh. Does something bad happen? No. No, I, I. Okay, if you listen to this. It's just a nice connection to the animal.
Random animals. Well, OK, when I moved in. No judgment. I'm outside and all of a sudden I go, oh, my God, there's this huge, like, chunky possum that looks like a cartoon possum. cute not like a ratty little guy it's like a and it stops and looks at me and I immediately got out my phone I start filming it and then it runs away and then I was so filled with shame I was like why
Couldn't I just have a moment with this possum? Why do I have to pull my phone out? And then I remembered, like, the previous owners told me there's a possum that lives around the house. They said there's a chunky possum. I think they said... his name is eric but i don't know if i invented that and so i can't text him and go hey is that possum's name eric i think you just decide i also yeah if you have the wrong name i think it's okay yeah okay yeah let's just say it's eric
But I felt bad for not being like, hi, I'm May. You felt bad not telling the possum, hi, I'm May? Yeah. Okay. And not being like... Well, maybe he's listening. He's like, I'm Eric. Bye. And I don't appreciate you calling me a chunky possum. Yeah. I heard you on the podcast calling me a chunky possum. Oh, my God. If he listens. My name is not Eric. Yeah. Do you have any wildlife living around your houses? Oh, good question.
Coyotes? We have. I don't like those. I see signs around my neighborhood every now and then saying coyote sightings and whatever. But we have just recently. gotten two cats in the neighborhood that come and hang out in our backyard and Drive poor little Linus. He's like, oh, my God. You know, he's never seen any other cats except Skip and Fluff. And then he's seen us. And then these two.
cats have shown up and we had a weird issue where Skip started growling at Linus and Stephanie did some detective Yeah. And I guess there's like sometimes a transference of like because because Skip saw the other cat out there that. There can be, like, some confusion around Linus because Linus was, like, by the window and, like, you know, about the other cat. And he's all pent up. He's got nowhere to put it as well. And they're siblings.
And when Linus and they always sleep together and they're so affectionate. When Linus went over to be with Skip, Skip was like. Really? Yeah. And we were so scared it ruined the dynamic of Kitty City because all three of our cats travel in a pack. This is so... But now... It only lasted two days. Oh, really? Yeah. And the cats come back? The cats still come back. Fluff doesn't care at all.
about what's going on out there. Skip kind of doesn't either, but Linus sits looking for these two cats. So we don't have wild animals other than birds. But you have someone trying to... ruin your cat's relationship. Trying to get a part of Kitty City, I think, is what's happening. Is it possible that, like, skip...
noticed that Linus was checking them out and then was jealous. Was like punishing Linus. I saw how you looked at them. We'll never know. I mean, God, the jealousy that's happening. Do you think we should get a pet?
A handsome pet? Oh, my God. I was like, who takes care of this pet? Thomas. I would love a pet psychic, though. A pet psychic to see what big he's... I would love to know what he's thinking. Let's get animals. Like, whatever animals we... see out in the world that we think are cute we'll adopt them We'll keep them at HeadGum. Oh, okay. And they will deal with our parrots and our gerbils. Awesome. Like, can you guys come help with these? No, we are busy.
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I've been thinking about fostering a dog, but I'm too, my heart, my heart is already like, I don't know. Why don't you keep it? It's like too much. Why foster it? Why not keep it? Do you think? I mean, I travel so much, but I guess I could get joint custody with someone. Do you travel so much? I would say fortune travels so much. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's true, actually. Well, yeah, like I'm about to be away for...
Yeah, I have like seven trips on the horizon. Seven trips on the horizon. God, I haven't heard that song in so long. It's a classic. It's so good. On the Ritz? Horizon. Eisen. Sizing. Sizing. And I'm thinking about upsizing. Love that song too. I've never heard that one. That one is brand new to me. Oh, right. Yeah. You could ask a friend if they want to share a...
pet. Yeah. So that when you go out of town, they're watching it. I don't know. Do you want to share a pet with me? You know of friends that share pets? I don't know one personally, but I feel like... Did you just invent that? Meg kind of said it. But I feel like that's where we're headed in this modern world. Pet sharing. In this modern world. You heard that song? It was in the 80s. Yeah. So was your reunion good when you got back?
Like when you came home, did they come running to greet you? Yes. Well, my flight was canceled. Oh, of course. I hate that. There was a massive snowstorm. In Toronto? Mm-hmm. I hope everyone's okay back home. You guys are warm. Yeah, I was all ready to go, and then it got canceled, and then I flew out the next morning. And then Max and Finn came home from school, and I was there.
You know, I got some... like running and they're like how long are you gonna be home and I was like six months they're like yes and then I just thought that's really not that long you know that's a lifetime for them yeah Remember, though, when you're a kid and like the summer feels like. Oh, yeah. Or for Christmas to come around again. Yeah, yeah. It seems impossible. Yeah.
Do you like being picked up at the airport by loved ones? Uh-huh. Yeah. I do. What if you were like, no, I hate it. It's the worst. No, I love it. And I enjoy picking people up, too. I'm not somebody where I'm like, oh, there's too much traffic. I don't care about that. I'll come get you. Not everyone. I'll be hitting you up. Biggie needs a ride. Will you check his heartbeat? But yeah.
It was a great homecoming. That's nice. But it's also weird because I call my apartment in Toronto my little hovel. Yeah. And it's a perfectly nice apartment. Yeah. Very comfortable, clean, all of that. But... It's not where I want to be. I want to be home with my family. But then when I left, I also felt a little like, oh, yeah. It's so it's like being like starting to like your.
prison cell yeah where you're like wow this is so weird there's this poem that goes and it makes me think of you and it goes at last it's about a guy who's in jail and he goes at last men came to set me free i asked not why nor wrecked where at length it was the same to me, fettered or fetterless to be, I'd grown accustomed to despair.
So he's like, they took the chains off. That reminds me of you. They took the chains off. Who do you think of? Who do you think of? That's right. The last line is despair. No, but like they took the chains off and he just was like, I... I sort of forgot why I wanted to leave now. Yeah. Oh, look at that. Deep. Yeah. Is that a May fact? No, I feel like it's a whimsical May. It's a whimsical poem. Do you just have a lot of... Poems? In your head?
Maybe a couple dozen. That's great. My grandma was really big into it. That's great. We love that about you. I know one poem. Let's hear some. My poem is, I think that I shall never see a poem as lovely as. a tree and that's it I mean there's more to the poem but no that's all you need what's that Joyce Kilmer anyway everyone that's beautiful thank you
I mean, there's more to the poem. I just don't know it. Oh, you don't. I don't. I'm not like May. Yeah. There's no poem as lovely as a tree. Do you think that's true? I think there's poems lovelier than trees. Is that controversial? Well, it depends on what kind of tree. And how much you love trees. We're talking about like a runt stump. How much you love poems? A runt stump.
Do you really think we were talking about a rump stump? When we were talking about lovely trees? There's degrees. There's like poems that are for sure more beautiful than a rump stump. I wish I knew more of the poem. I know it gets good. Why don't you make up more? No. Okay. I don't want to ruin her point. Or wait, is that a man? Is Joyce a man or a woman? I think it's a man. Oh, like Joyce Carol Oates. Is that a man too? Now I gotta Google.
If Joyce... It's a man. Yeah! It's a man! If Joyce was reincarnated, would it be Ray Joyce? Hey! I didn't see that coming. Hey! And with that, should we go to our guest? Yes. I was about to read you more poems. Oh, well, our guest can wait. Poem. Poem. Poem. A tree whose hungry mouth is pressed against the earth, sweet flowing breast. Whoa. This is so inappropriate. So horny all of a sudden. It's like triple X. Also, a tree that looks like God all day does get religion.
a tree that looks oh my god fortune fortune and lifts her leafy arms to pray a tree that may in summer wear a nest of robins in her hair that's nice upon whose bosom now we get horny again snow has lain who instantly lives with rain wait you say a line and then we'll try and guess how it ends yeah yeah yeah well this is the last line we're at the end
Poems are made by fools like me. Wait, in the poem? They're talking about poems? Poems are made by fools like me, but only God. I knew it was going to be only God. Really? Could make a tree. Yeah. Yeah. I never would have guessed. Where's this headed? That's the only point. I can't believe it was like. And you don't even know it.
No wonder you blacked out on the rest. I didn't remember the bosom. What I didn't like was the tree's hungry, sexy mouth. What mouth is on a tree? Would you have an orgy with a tree? tree a tree no guys yeah well i say that there there's i wouldn't but under a tree you would i remember when i was in middle school they told Someone, some kid was like, have you heard of dendrophilia that like you want to bang plants? And it just stuck in my mind so much. It freaked me right out.
But no, I wouldn't have an orgy with a tree, would you? Because only God can make a tree. I'm not even interested in human orgies, I'll be honest. I thought you said that you'd be okay with watching in the corner. I would be okay watching in a corner. There's too many holes. You did say that. You and I would watch. Yeah. This podcast. Me and Fortune in a corner together watching. you have an or you did say it but in the reality i don't think you'd want to be there
I don't think any of us. I don't think Mae Wipe wants me watching either. You're holding Biggie. I'm kissing you on the cheek. Yeah, if we could talk. Or be like, oh my gosh, what are they doing? What is that move? That would be fun. Orgy commentary. Orgy commentary. Guys. Guys, we have got to make that. Has anyone done that with porn where they do a commentary over top? That's what I'm just sitting here thinking.
wait is this our next venture yeah like i'm looking at these cameras going guys we need to film an orgy and do commentary this is not good don't look at me i i'm not going to be involved in the orgy i'll be a commentator okay okay May will be able to tell us what's happening. May will be able to be like... As you can see over there, it looks like... They're going to be bringing in some lube now. I will bring snacks.
You're just like eating. You just hear Ruffles. Fritos. Crunch, crunch. I love Fritos. Oh, so good. All it took was that one little poem about a tree to get us all riled up. We're all horny now. Now we're all the way back to Fritos. well before it gets hornier we should probably get to our questions yes
I am so pumped about this person. Today's question asker is an Oscar, Tony and Emmy nominated actress and producer known and loved for her roles in... tons of films uh but including into the woods uh woman of the hour it's perfect pitch perfect um up in the air yeah up in the air uh anna kendrick is today's question asker
Hi, handsome pod. Hi, Fortune. Hi, May. Hi, Tig. It's your pal, Anna Kendrick. I have a question for you. If you could be the best in the world at something, but nobody could know about it. What would it be? And no cheating. No, like, oh, I'd be the best at fast math, but I just wouldn't tell anybody. You can't like do it in front of other people. You can't benefit from it. It's just something that's for you.
Wait, what'd she say? It can't be what? You can't do it in front of other people. Yeah, but I thought she said it can't be fast mouth. Fast math. Fast math. That's a real thing. Like counting cards and stuff. Like you can't win at poker. Yeah. I was going to say, I feel like she's winning at fast mouth. She, she's a fast talker. I met her for the first time the other night and.
Where? It was at a fundraising show that Natalie Morales did. Oh, yeah. Yeah, and Natalie was interviewing Anna on stage in a very like... Between two ferns kind of way. Oh, nice. And it was so funny. And, you know, you just get a good vibe from certain people. And I knew I was like, I want to be friends with her because.
she really understood the significance of the bear story. She was like, what? And she kept coming back to him being like, I can't stop thinking about the bear story. You told her the bear story? Yeah, I told her the full bear story. I spared no detail.
really monopolized her time yeah she's i i went on a trip that that we both were on in december and got to know her and she's really cool uh she directed her first film this past year woman of the hour and hearing her talk about it and how much work she put into it and the details of it was really cool and I hope she directs more because she has that brain that like sees everything thing yeah she was she had she had talked about one of my specials and saw things i was like
that's so cool like i would you know that she just notices these things same deal with feel good she had like really niche references to it i was so like honored i love her work but she had like she has like a director's eye and we did have a fun moment in an italian restaurant together where uh it was almost closing time and someone at the restaurant cranked up the natasha beddingfield unwritten song that's good Thank you. Thank you.
The rest is still unwritten. Yeah. You know what I'm talking about. And this was a good memory. Great memory. And for some reason when it plays, I know all the words in this moment. I don't know. I only know one word.
entire table started like scream singing the song oh there's a couple of the pitch perfect gals were there too and does she have a good voice oh they all do they're incredible yeah because she sings in pitch perfect um all three of those movies and uh we stood up and we're dancing and everyone was singing it was like one of those like
such fun memories of like, we're all on the same page. We're all having a blast. The restaurant cranked it up even more. It was like really, really fun. Boy, I would have ruined that moment. Everyone, take it down. What is this song? As listeners of Handsome know, I am finally in my own home after months in Airbnbs. And can I just say it is so nice to be back in my own bed.
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to save an additional $50 on any litter robot bundle. That's $50 off any litter robot bundle at stopscooping.com slash handsome. and use promo code handsome. StopScooping.com slash handsome promo code handsome. Were you the only people in the restaurant? There was like a other part where more people were, but the main part, like everyone was kind of gone. There was one couple that was just kind of staring at us. Like it's the entire pitch. Perfect. And fortune. And me. Now.
walk us through how you end up on vacation with her and you don't know her and it's just you Jax and her it was the three of you just the three of us Anna went on a trip with Jax and I We have a mutual friend and there was this event in Aspen and he invited... What was the event? What is it called? Winter polo. Whoa. Snow polo. That's it. Snow polo. Yeah. I didn't know you were that rich. I'm not. I did not. I was invited to it. Fortune has like a secret life of.
Going to Aspen for the winter polo. Our friend plays polo and invited us. So you both, is this an actor or comedian that you're both friends with? He's an actor. Oh, okay. Sterling, shout out. What is up? Sterling yeah and he just invites his friends to like come hey come watch me do my thing so is Anna and like Rebel Wilson and Chrissy and Kelly like all these awesome people from the movie and
Me. Randomly me at Jags. I think I'm going to start inviting a gaggle of people to fly out to a husband to see me do something. Yeah. Why not? It was fun. Yeah, I'm going to be. going bowling on Friday just invite a gaggle I think it's fun to do like weird curveballs like that well at one point Stephanie and I were talking about is there a way to rent out my wife yeah okay
Let's hear it. My wife. My wife. Let's hear your plans. My wife. Is there a way to rent out an arcade or a laser tag place or something like that? just rent it out for the day and i'm sure i'm sorry stephanie was asking well if it's possible my wife but i mean like i can't even imagine her being like god could we get this arcade well yeah you could literally rent out any arcade
I'm trying to remember now if it was more me being like, hey, we should. It probably was. I think she was into it. Yeah. In fact. She dropped me off here to record today. And while we were driving, because we just wanted to spend a little extra time together. I'll balance that. Yeah. So we're driving along and we were reminiscing about. When we were younger, not that we were together then, but how much time we spent in the Silver Lake area. Yeah. And how we...
And that we would be out till two and three in the morning. And now nine o'clock I have my sleep mask on and there's no place I'd rather be in bed with my sleep mask. Can I tell you that when I did see this. polo situation. I got a straight crush on a polo player. Wait, on a man? Yeah. Can I ask what polo is? Oh, for real? No, no, no. Don't tell me. Don't tell me. Is it on horses? Well, you can Google that on your own time. We already explained a ton.
I'm sure. Yeah. But wait, I want to hear about this. His name is Nacho. He's like one of the best football players in the world. And he's Nacho type. I don't know how to say his last name. Figures? Nacho Figures? And did you make your feelings numb? Yes. He's married. I'm married. It can never be, Nacho. I don't think the marriage is what's getting between the two of you. Nacho, it can never be.
fortune alone um i loved him so much was it his personality was it he's argentinian and a very quiet at first kind of like who are these people and then I won him over because we were at dinner and did he see your uh your calves he didn't even see my calves but he was at the end of the table so the food was never getting to him so what is an argentinian man i have had people at a dinner
side of the table and we still pass the food down to them I don't know if you know this but what an Argentinian man loves and boy do I know what an Argentinian man loves is for you to feed him so I kept I kept going like nacho. I was getting food and giving it to him. Did you cut it up? No, I didn't do that. But then he loved me. And then he walked Jax and I back to the hotel. I bet he did. I bet he did.
And then when he was playing, he came by on his horse and kissed my hand. No way. Yes. Oh, wait. Now you let May know that polo has to do with horses. Or you really don't know what polo is. Don't tell May. May means... You've never heard of Polo? I think I thought Polo was... water polo swimming but then that is one now i'm thinking have you ever seen ralph you can lead a horse to water yes polo right um marco polo that's in the water um there are horses that's it it is a rich people
for it. I've never been to... Are you kidding? In Aspen? Shut up! It's like a whole world. How'd you get there? Greyhound? Yeah, yeah, yeah. How'd you get there? Don't worry about it. How did you arrive Aspen for the polo concert? I went by horse. And he made me swoon out for sure. he what? he made me swoon did Jax think he was hot? Jax thinks no man's hot
But she likes Nacho a lot. Okay, if you could be... Okay, back to the question. Oh, right. Anna. The best in the world at one thing, or be amazing at one thing, but you can't... No one can know. Ever. That's so hard, because who doesn't want to show off? fun. Instagram. You can't do it in front of people. Who doesn't want to show it on Instagram? It's so hard. I have this talent that no one can know about. But that would be me on TikTok going.
I wish you guys could know how amazing I am at this. That is something secret. That's such a grade eight. I could never tell you, but just know I'm incredible. I'm so good at this. That is so grade eight. Something really sad happened.
thing i i would pick it would kill me that no one could see this okay okay but i know that i'm not i could technically take lessons and learn how to do this yeah but i don't feel like it okay but i want this skill really bad i would love is it tumbling it is not tumbling i would love to be like play any song in the world on a piano.
But you don't want anyone to know. I think I would at home just play all the time and sing. Yeah, it would bring you joy. It would bring me a lot of joy. It would kill me that I couldn't post videos of it. But it would. be for me but maybe i'm not understanding this question why wouldn't you want people to know like because is there shame around it no just in the question that's just the question the question is if you could be amazing at something but only you know that
And it's a secret. You can only do it in private. You can't share it with anybody. It's Anna's rules. It's Anna's rules. We didn't make them. We just live by them. I thought Anna didn't have rules. That was my understanding about Anna. That's what everyone in Hollywood said. Anna, no rules. Yeah, Anna plays by her own rules. She does. Yeah. Okay, I think I know mine. I think it's, and it would be hard not to talk about and tell people, but.
either astral projection where when you sleep, you leave your body and you go out to space. I swear to God, I'm not being dirty. Don't yell at me. I really thought you said asshole projection. Did you not? Asshole projection. Is that what it sounded like? And I was like, asshole projection. Asshole projection. Asterole? Astral. Astral. Yeah, astral. This is a stars thing? This is like when you sleep, you project your soul out of your body and you go into space and you can zoom around. Oh.
It's legit. Okay. Or meditation, because I've talked about it before. I just can't do it. I wouldn't have to tell anyone. It would just be anytime I was alone, I'd just be like. I don't think I understand why it has to be a secret. Again. I just, I'm like, this is Anna's rule. Word is out. You can meditate. Well. But in Anna's world, Anna's the boss of us today, and in this world, we can't tell anyone. Okay.
Here's mine. Okay. Here we go. No one is ever going to know about it. Okay. That I could throw on some high heels and some pantyhose. What? and a skirt and I can just I don't understand the question clearly because it's like I feel like if I put that on I'd do fine No, this is a this is actually really I think I relate to this because if you went out to Largo dressed like that, it would be. Oh, that's hilarious. Oh, my God. Or like what the. And.
You couldn't just be a sexy little lady. Yeah. Because everyone would be like, Tig, what? Yeah, Tig's a sexy little lady? Yeah. So you could do it alone. You could do this alone? But I've also thought about... doing that like on a special too like for real yeah to like oh dress like that and just not acknowledge it please we're on a late night show yeah oh that would be good yeah
do you think you'd be able to be as funny or would you because i just did a show with lisa gilroy and as a joke we dressed up as each other and so she was like i'm a martin and i wore like a tight black dress and i have I haven't worn one since I was 15. Did you post a picture? No. Because in this world, you can share with people. In the real world. But I actually was like. Fortune loves to brag on social media. Like, whoa, you did this for yourself? But I found it like.
surprisingly hard like once I got on stage I was like anyway joke's over now guys I'll probably just go change oh you didn't like it I couldn't be funny I don't know oh interesting yeah I would never have guessed that would have been your thing Again, I don't think I understand the question. I'm just going to say in the privacy of my own home, I'm going to dress like a little lady and I'm going to look up YouTube videos of how to walk in heels.
You're going to strut your stuff. That is so funny. Can you please do this for a late night spot? Maybe next time I do Colbert or something. I was about to say, Colbert would probably be the... a good one for that and he is the love of my life and so oh somebody oh okay not the only one kissed your cheek today no because i was talking about nacho you also have
Oh, I see. I thought you were getting controlling because I kissed your cheek today. You thought it got toxic that fast? Yeah, I thought. Oh, you're doing that to everybody? All of a sudden you want to kiss Stephen Colbert's cheek? No, that you have. had a male crush. Well, yeah. That and him and Pitbull. We already know this. And Billy Cruda. I think Stephen Colbert would react really...
I think he'd be really, like, gentlemanly about it. I think he would laugh really hard. It would be funny. Yeah. Okay, if anyone's listening, you know Stephen. Is anyone listening? No, if anyone, if anyone, if there's anybody listening. Is anybody out there? And if you know Stephen Colbert, you cannot tell him. Don't tell him. Like if you work at his show. Because we do have producers of people's show listen. And we will find you.
But didn't we think about when we host the Oscars wearing a... black dresses all of us are gowns tuxedos but we could go into another bit at some point in a dress yeah yeah yeah that would be good we haven't started our tap dancing lessons wait oh somebody reached out that teaches Kate McCoochie's friend is a tap dance instructor McCoochie yeah she wants and she said she she would like to
start with lessons yes oh my god it's happening are you interested yeah i will show you thomas are you i'm in okay biggie oh sorry biggie passed oh oh hi baby bear look how cute His tongue didn't used to do that, but he had teeth pulled and now his tongue sticks out. When did his teeth get... You pulled all of them out just to see his tongue? Like 15 of them. 15 teeth? He had to get 15 teeth. When?
eight months ago six months ago oh man would you rather oh yeah stretch it out you gotta have no teeth or You have one big tooth. Well, I'm always going to go for the one big tooth. And big feet. Did you say no teeth or one big tooth? Yeah. I think I just had to have no teeth. Really? I'll take the one big tooth. You're eating my bibs. You know, today Stephanie was like, who would you rather date?
yeah billy eilish um chapel roan and then there was somebody else and i was like all the young lesb lesb lesbians yeah young lesbians and i was like Um, and I was, I mean... love these people as musicians and singers but I was like I mean I said who who would you and she was like oh I wouldn't date any of them I was like well I'm not gonna date any of them either what are we doing she does that to me all the go to a dinner an intimate dinner and we'll leave and she'll be like okay
She always wants to know who I would date out of whatever three. And then I say it. I fall for it every time. You're forced to answer. And then I ask her and she's like, oh, none of them. Every single time. happened on the way here. I thought the rules is that we had to name someone. Yeah. Oh, the other one was Sabrina Carpenter. She said, Sabrina Carpenter. I said, I've never heard Sabrina Carpenter talk. So that I, you know.
These are all attractive, talented people. They're so young. They should all ask us questions. Yes, they are so young. They should all ask us questions. Billy, Chappell, and Sabrina. We'd love for you to submit a question. Thank you. you i know billy's mom pretty well do you really yeah maggie maggie she used to teach at the groundlings i've never met her but i people love her awesome and she is like
The vegan guru. I've met Phineas. Their whole family loves comedy. Really? Because they grew up around the groundlings. I didn't know that. Anyway, I need to... understand somebody's personality. Who would you date out of Sabrina, Billy, and Chapel? Oh, gosh. I don't know. Billy's so cool. I feel like I'm not cool enough for Billy. Billy is so cool. So cool. Billy would find me incredibly boring. Sabrina, too.
Sabrina would find you boring? I think so. Yeah. I think Chappell would be into me. I think they would all probably find you boring. No, no, no. Chappell would be into me. And what about you, May? Because she's a bisexual. No, we're finished with you. Shut your mouth.
Wait, who would you be into? Chapel, because she's a demisexual. What is a demisexual? You have to have a connection first before anything romantic. Well, that sounds kind of like what you're saying. And I can win her over with my... I figured it out. I figured it out. I would be chapel as well. Let me tell you why. My friends, Beth and Rick, had Stephanie and I watch this video.
of Chapel and her parents. Oh, that was really great. You've seen it? Yeah, that was really great. That, I already love Chapel Rhone. Yeah. And then I was like, yeah, yeah. Like, oh, you got to see this video. I'm like, okay. Her dad cried in the car. Yeah. I know. And I was truly like, yeah, we'll see it later. Okay. They put it on. It's so good. It's really great. How do people find it's carpool karaoke, but it's not.
Carpool carrier. How do I? Like the guy takes her to her hometown and she shows him around. It is the most. Charming, touching, inspiring thing. Supportive parents. How do we get anything accomplished when there's so much to watch on the internet that is such good stuff? I find it hard to get anything done just looking at myself.
Like, I'm like... wait an attractive person oh i see and how do you get through the day without looking in mirrors yeah it's hard to pull myself away from a mirror but i heard that you're supposed to every morning look at yourself in the eyes and say i love you 10 times oh and
And I tried it the other morning and it felt very weird. And I realized I never look at myself in the eyes. I was like embarrassed. I was like, oh, I love you. I only look at myself when I'm brushing my tooth, my one big tooth. And then. i head out for the day and then i catch glimpses and reflections and windows and i'm like oh boy right you know what i do I look into my mirror and I say, God, what have you done? You're a pink pony girl and you dance at the club, oh mama. Can you hear that?
I'm just having fun on the stage in my heels. It's where I belong. Down at the Pink Pony Club. I want to keep on dancing in the pink pony club. That's it. Who would you choose out of Chapel, Billy? And to be clear, these are all attractive. cool, talented people. I just think, and to be clear, they don't want us. And they're so young. And there's three of us. But we both are going to fight over chapel. I feel like this podcast.
If we were three guys, it would be like so bro-y. But then it's like, I need to understand her personality. But that's where I feel. like i i started to understand chapel's personality and her parents i am gonna say Sabrina Carpenter. That's who I thought. I knew you were going to say that. For the following reasons. I heard that Chapel Rhone dates like femme women. That's what I heard. I heard that on the streets. Word on the streets. You guys are out. I'm out.
I know Chapel Grown's music better than the other two. I love that we're talking about this as if it's a possibility. I'm out then. Sabrina Carpenter, is that who dated Barry Keegan? Yes, it is. And I feel like I could... I don't know. Yeah, I'm going Sabrina Carpenter. Yeah, in this fantasy land, it can be whatever you want. So you're saying Chappell's not going to be into my flannel and mustache? Well, never say that. She's a...
Maybe if the connection is strong enough. She's not going to be into us being married. Okay, wait. Who would you rather? marry wow and we're not bros we're not saying who would you rather hook up with we're saying who would you rather yeah make an honest make an honest woman of share okay oh celine Celine Dion? Yes, Celine. But you said Celine. That's how she says it. Oh. Celine. Celine. Celine Dion.
I am the greatest singer of the world. So are we just going straight to Vegas, baby? Yeah. Is that what we're doing? Okay. Cher, Celine, Beyonce. Or what? No, who's like another icon of that era? Streisand. Oh. Streisand predates, but sure. Let's throw her in. Yeah, yeah, true, true. Or should we say actually? Beyonce? Paula Abdul? I'd go Paula Abdul. Wait. How come I was so confident in Paula Abdul? And then why? I guess that is. Let's take a laugh break here. And I don't know. Paul Abdul.
Barbara's like, what? Paul Abdul. You're going to throw Paul in here? I think I'm taking Barbara out. You're taking Barbara out? I'm taking her out. She's from another era. She's from that era, too. Oh, yeah, you're right. Okay, okay. They're all in. Shear is 80. Paula Abdul is not. Okay. I'm going to piss myself. I don't know. Somebody grab the tea kettle.
also all four of these people are really not comparable like they're so different and we're supposed to like date them I already know it's Celine Dion my hands down I could listen to her sing for hours okay and you couldn't listen to Cher sing if I could turn no I would listen to Celine and she's kind of
kooky, quirky. She sure is. She'd keep me on my toes. She's going to make you laugh the most. But she has twins and I have twins. Oh, that could be crazy. It's a little bit much. If I was like Max and Finn. You're going Celine? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay. You know who I'm going. Who are our choices?
Who's taking Paula? I'm taking Paula. I'm taking Paula. I'm taking Paula. I love Paula, too. I know Paula's like a ha-ha. How does she fit in? It just was so random because those people aren't like each other. and Paula. Very different. Cher. Paula started as a dancer. Yeah. I mean, Cher and Celine Dion are so different.
I'm going Cher, actually. I think Cher... I'm sticking with Paula. Paula. I just watched Moonstruck for the first time. I think Cher would be hilarious. Cher would be very funny. And also, doesn't Cher date young men? Yeah, like a 20-something-year-old...
She has like a 20-something-year-old boyfriend. Right now? Yeah, yeah, yeah. They've been together like two years or something. Okay, so... Is that a long time? I guess when you're 25. I heard Susan Sarandon just said that she would be open to dating any age, any gender. Why don't you get out there? Are you open to that age? Oh, yeah. Big time. Whoa. Calm down, fella. Sorry, it's Susan Serena. Wow. Yeah, big time. May, I do think you should...
Do things like this and come back to the pod and tell us about it. I mean, I do things like this. Do things like this. Yes. You must do things like this and come back and tell us. In this world, you can't. talk about it but also again we're talking about it like it's a real option like she said she's open to any age open open any gender and then get her to ask a question she was so random
We have Anna Kendrick's face on pause. We ought to hear Anna's answer. Anna, what have you got for us? If I could be the best in the world at something and nobody could know about it. I would want to be the best in the world at dancing. I'm not a good dancer, but I would love to be like a ballerina, you know, like the turns and the leaps and whatever. And it would be my preference to do it in front of people and have people be very impressed by me.
I like it so much, the idea of that, like that ability to do that with your body, that I think that would be very satisfying. Anna. Also, no. Now you're correcting her on the rules. Now she's like, no, those aren't the rules. She's very upset that we can't tell anyone. Yes, because Anna. And, you know, give me a ring-a-ding. We need to talk about this. Because... Why if you can't dance and then you learn and you are nailing it?
Would you want to keep it a secret? No, you don't want to keep it a secret, but you have to. Why? Because that's the only way you get that power. That's the only way you get that power, yeah. With great power. But also I really get that desire to like, I've always wished I was one of those people that was born and was like, I just gotta dance. Why don't you show us your move? My move? Yeah.
Your one move. My one move. Let's see it. And we'll sing Pink Pony. Yeah, right here. Okay, two, three, and... Pink Pony. Oh, okay. wait can the camera see you have your back to this camera as long as that oh okay i see i'm gonna do it what Oh, yeah. That's why. Okay. That's why. Be cool. Be cool. It's coming. You ready? It was very funny. I'm going to do a solid job. That's why. Pink. Pink. what is this called yeah biggie's into it yeah biggie
Oh, a slut drop. I thought you said a slut drop. Look what slut woke up. What is this tupless slut? Oh, my God. Biggie likes it. I like what you're putting down. Toothless slut with dead eyes would like a piece of that. No dead eyes. Calling Biggie a slut is the funniest part of this episode so far. Toothless slut. Wow, you guys, what a pod. What a pod. What a pod.
I love being in person with you, too. What a treat this was. God, we are good. Thank you, Anna, for the question. Yeah, thanks, Anna. Even though Tig didn't understand it at all. I don't understand it at all. I loved it. I want... Anna to come over and dance while I'm strutting around the house. And I play piano. Yeah. And fortune plays the piano. I'm unconscious astrally asshole projecting. Oh my God. Oh, wow. this was great it really was we do have good news for our listeners what is it
Well, our show in Austin in April sold out. Yeah. And so we are going to live stream that show because it's our biggest show to date. 3,000 people. And if you want to watch it, you can. buy a streaming ticket. 3,000 people? 3,000 people are going to be there in person with us. 3,000 people in Austin were like, we need to go.
Watch these foolish, foolish people. It's part of the Moon Tower Comedy Festival. So on April 12th, you can get your live streaming ticket. That link will be good for a week. And I think it's going to be a pretty great show. Let's break our record with live streams. Let's get people from all over the world. Biggest live stream in the world. Biggest live stream in the world. And then there's just like 50 tickets left for our show at the Ryman.
Nashville that one won't be live streamed so get those tickets and that one won't sell out there's no possible way we can get rid of 50 tickets it's uh but it will be at the iconic Ryman theater and I'm so stoked for that And guess who will be there? We've talked about it. But I bought her her ticket today. Share. No. Paul Abdul. Paul Abdul. Oh, my God. Now we have to get Paul Abdul on the show. I'm a big fan. I love her. She's great.
It was just that you put her in a very odd category. No, it sounds like you do not like Paula Abdul for some weird reason. My mom's going to be there. Ginger. Oh, yes, of course. Ginger's going to be there. With Paula. With Paula. together now. Yeah. So yeah, those are very exciting things. Here, let's put...
Let's put it out there. There are certain people, there are country singers that it'd be nice to have. Oh, yeah. So if you are a country singer. Nicole Kidman. If you're Nicole Kidman. Oh, she lives in Nashville? Yeah, with her country singing husband, Keith Urban. Keith Urban, please come. Please, Keith Urban. Please, Keith Urban. Please. Please, Keith Urban. Dolly Parton. Please, Dolly. It's meant to be. I have a Dolly Parton shirt on today.
Oh my gosh. I have a Dolly Parton shirt on with tits in a dumpster. Oh my God. Wait, what? My tits are in a dumpster. I don't know if you've heard, but she's got some knockers. I would give anything to have Dolly come to our show or send us a question. But also we would deal with Keith Urban showing up. We would love Keith Urban. I would love that. So this comes out February 25th. Can I plug?
I'm so desperate to have handsome fans at these music shows that I'm doing. And I'm going to tell funny stories and they're special guests. So February 26th in L.A. at the Regent Theater. And it was my understanding you're also doing the show Topless. Oh, I'm sure. Yeah. Should I put that out there? Yes. Yeah, sure. And no shoes. And no shoes. Barefoot or socks. No shoes. Yeah. And just a cowboy hat. And one tooth. So February 26th with Lauren Ruth Ward at the Regent Theater. And then I'm...
Abdul. And Paula Abdul will be there. March 1st in Toronto, Danforth Music Hall. March 4th at the Gramercy in New York with special guest. Rob Thomas from Matchbox 20. Really? Yeah. It's going to be incredible. Do you get a video from him? Get a question from him? I will. I'll ask him. And then March 9th in London at the Kentish Town Forum with Charles Watson and others.
surprise guests with Prince Charles. Amazing. Go see those shows. Stephanie and I already are Are you coming? Oh yeah. We're going to your show. I'm doing meet and greets after. I think we can come. I could meet you. You could meet me.
we'll come too I think I'm free oh that's so nice please please i'm on tour if you want to see some stand-up irvine improv in march and ontario california then my theater tour starts uh in savannah georgia charleston south carolina baltimore pittsburgh cleveland columbus all those places uh greensboro oh roanoke virginia shout out
But tons of dates, and I'm adding a bunch more, so fortunefeemster.com for those. Go to tignotaro.com. I'm doing a show in Arkansas, but I don't have anything in front of me at some point. I will be there. and as far as toronto i am no longer there i will be back in a handful of months working out new material so
Hang in there, Toronto. I'll be right back. But man, were those audiences great. Yeah. At Comedy Bar. And get your merch, handsomepod.com. I just got our hoodie and sweatpants. It is, I'm not kidding, the most comfortable. Do you wear them together? Match and combo? Yeah, really good. The sweatpants are the perfect. Sometimes sweatpants are like so baggy. These are like so good. They're soft. I'm not just saying it.
But if you buy those, you will be very happy with. Yeah. I mean, just like picture Paul Abdul in them. Yeah, exactly. Well, guys, all that's left is to keep it handsome. Handsome is hosted by me, Mae Martin, Tig Notaro, and Fortune Feimster. The show is produced, recorded, and edited by Thomas Ouellette. Email us at handsomepod at gmail.com and please follow us on social media at handsomepod. What a podcast. What a podcast. That was a hate gum podcast. That was a hate gum podcast.
And we're now hosting a new improvised show called What If on the HeadGum Podcast Network. And on What If, we believe... that improvisation is a conversation. So we get to have conversations with guests from the worlds of TV, film, tech, and literature. Guests like Bobby Moynihan, Aisha Tyler, LeVar Burton, and Adam Conover. We ask them the big, ridiculous questions like, what if you heard of monkey's feelings? What if your grandma was a secret agent? What if Jonathan was invited to the cookout?
I'm not. And then we turn the conversation into spontaneous scenes, songs, well, because that's what we do. Subscribe to What If on Spotify, Apple Podcasts, Pocket Casts, wherever you get your podcasts, and watch episodes on YouTube. No script, no net. Just what if?