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It's vegan. Discover your new trusty favorite from Thrive Cosmetics, luxury beauty that gives back. Right now, you can get an exclusive 20% off your first order at thrivecosmetics.com slash handsome. That's Thrive Cosmetics. which is C-A-U-S-E-M-E-T-I-C-S dot com slash handsome for 20% off your first order. We're just kidding. Cheers. I'm Fortune Feepster. I'm Tina Taro. I'm May Martin. I'm May Martin.
Unfortunate. We're excited. Oh my God, you guys, we haven't been together in a room in a minute. It has been a beat. And what a treat this is to see y'all's pretty faces. Pretty handsome faces. I'm a pretty little lady. You're buzzing? Yeah, I'm buzzing. Well, what's going on? Had a lot of coffee. Oh, okay. The sun. I'm absorbing the sun. Oh, that's nice. Isn't it, though? Yeah. Wouldn't you say?
I've been taking Biggie on walks to the park every morning this week, and that's been so fun. That's delightful. Yeah. I saw a piece of art that said, it was this woman lying in the sun, and it said, I will let the sun impregnate me and murder me.
Wow. I keep thinking about it now. Every time I'm in the sun, I think, let it impregnate me and murder me. Okay. I don't want either of those things. That's an intense relationship with the sun. Yeah. I just want to have, I mean, it's been nice to have the weather shift. and have all this warm weather, but I'm not looking for a... I mean, I would be impregnated with another son. I'd have three boys. Isn't it weird, though, that it's...
like this life-giving, warm thing that makes life happen, but it's so dangerous. It can burn you. Well, it can murder you. It can murder you. I'm very fair-skinned, so I have to be... Careful with the sun. You're delicate. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, we're all kind of fair. Yeah. Yeah. It's not like I can imagine you getting not brown in the sun. Not brown? N-U-T, not brown. No. I was like, Tig, now I can imagine you getting not brown. No tan whatsoever. No, I do tan a little bit. Yeah.
Do you not tan at all? Not really. I burn and then I'm white again. You're looking not brown. You're looking buff over there. You think I'm looking buff? Don't you think? Look how excited. Do you see how happy I got? Yeah. I am really trying. I can tell you're bulking up. Thanks, but... Look at those muscles. Look at those muscles. We're just getting treading muscles. I know. That's it. I haven't...
I treaded in like two weeks. I treaded today. I was out of town. You did? How was it? It was so delightful. Right. I just really, it's so meditative. Yeah. Yeah. It's so meditative for me, you know. I got my friend Joe staying with me. How's old Joe? Old Joe's good. He's very pale, very fair. Hi, my name is Joe. I got a wife and three kids and I work in a factory.
one day my wife came or wait is it my wife or my boss guys i never got to the bottom of it we never did and we don't want to yeah yeah he's good and he's he's british but um Good to know. Yeah, just so you can picture it. But we were playing, okay, we were playing foosball. Which, by the way, now every morning I go, mornin' foos, mornin' foos, and I play, mornin' foos, mornin' foos, mornin' foos. And he goes, okay, so there's offense, you know, on a soccer pitch, and then there's...
Defense. Right. And then he goes, but in the government, there's the secretary of state. Defense. Defense. That's a state. Yeah, a pronunciation. But why is it defense for soccer and then everything else is soccer? Oh, yeah. We're going to play defense. We're going to play defense. Because you wouldn't say. Don't get so defensive. Yeah. So what's that about?
Just the English language is weird, right? Good answer, Fortune. Yeah, that checks out. Fortune nailed it with that answer. It's a complicated language. That's good. Yeah. Yeah. you know defense sounds like the puffer Is it a complicated language? Because I speak it very easily. It's pretty complicated. It's so easy for me. Listen to me talking English. I'm not struggling at all. People say it's hard.
it's hard but we don't have like uh like where every object is masculine or feminine i mean we we know like that table is the masculine that table let's say one two three what is its gender masculine thank you Fortune didn't know. No. Okay, this sofa. One, two, three. Female. You said male. I did. For this sofa, interesting. This seems female, male. Male. Oh, yeah, this is male. Yeah. Actually, that's non-binary. The couch is non-binary. This is a love seat, right? This is like, yeah, love.
I'm over here alone. We're twinning with our green on. Oh, look how old my hands are. Your hands are soft. Tig and Fortune just touched their hands. But look. Look how old my hands are compared to your precious newborn skin. You do have very... Don't pull away. I have baby skin. Yes, you do. I gotta lotion my hands better, though. Well you know what, it's best to hydrate from the inside.
I drink a lot of water. I'm not a soda gal. Me neither. Guys, I just got a text from Karen Kilgariff. I love Karen. Can I just tell you, I texted Karen a video of... that stephanie had sent me of max and finn's playlist yeah and it is it made unless she was lying to me she said it made her cry oh it is All Eminem, Kendrick Lamar.
And then one Karen Kilgareff song. No way. Yes. They love it. Incredible. Oh, my gosh. And Stephanie's dad is the biggest Karen Kilgareff fan. No way. Have you listened to her album? No. Oh, my gosh. a great singer she's such a great singer she's such she does this incredible thing I oh yeah as a musician you should hear her I would love to because she can
in one song can make you laugh so hard and then also break your heart. Like, God, that's amazing. It is the weirdest thing I've ever heard. What a skill. Yeah. She said she was going to do a handsome question. We got to get her to. Well, I'm so busy talking about true crime. She's so funny. She's the best. They were doing a thing for a while in their podcast of.
celebrities or people saying their hometown murders like yeah yeah or things from their life that were like their crime and thing and i always wanted to tell about the time when my i was my parents were out And they left me and my brother. I went to bed. I think I've told this. Then they come back. And my brother's sitting on the front porch looking real pale. Not...
Brown. Nut brown. Yeah. And they're like, is everything OK? And he goes, your friend is having a nap upstairs. And they're like, what friend? Because you're a friend. I told this, right? I don't think so. No. Really? Yeah. If you did, I blocked it out. Me too. This is not familiar to me. Yeah, my...
Brother said, well, your friend came over and she said that you said she would have a nap in your bed. And so they go up and there's a woman asleep in the bed and she's taken off all her clothes. Is this like a Goldilocks situation? I mean, that's what it sounds like. That's what it feels like.
And she'd neatly folded all her clothes, and she's naked in their bed. Oh, she folded her clothes. Yeah, and so my dad got a baseball bat. I like that what sticks out to you is that she folded her clothes, not that she's naked. She's naked in the bed, and you're like, oh, she folded her clothes. Your dad got a baseball bat and then what? How old was she? She wasn't in the mood to play baseball. She was in her 40s. She was baseball ready. And my dad just said...
You got to get out. What are you doing? She just woke up and said, sorry, I'm sorry. Put her clothes back on and left. Had a nice nap. Well, we had a real hometown crime when I was growing up. Oh, what was it? Oh, God, is it going to be real dark? I imagine, no. No, it is. Oh, it is. Oh, it is. It wasn't like someone stole a chicken. No, there was this guy, and oddly, I think roughly around the same year.
Okay, this guy's name is Ricky. Okay. And the band Skid Row. Have you heard of them? They're a metal band. Yeah. Sebastian Bach, lead singer. He has this song, 18 in Life, and it's about this kid, Ricky. Ricky, at my school, who dated my best friend, Michelle, he asked for a rifle. For Christmas. His parents got him a rifle. He shot his parents. Threw the rifle in the lake. Drove his dad's pickup truck up to the school.
He wasn't even old enough to drive. Not that that's the biggest crime in the story. Did he fold his clothes? He did fold his clothes. And he's still he's life in prison. Whoa. And like every now and then I'll be going about my life and I'm like. Oh, my God. Ricky's still in prison. Ricky is still in prison. Yeah, that's crazy. And we were 15 years old. And he came to school that day? He drove his dad's pickup truck up to school to tell the principal that his parents were dead.
whoa yeah that's a real hometown murder yeah yeah that was that was like Yeah. Yeah. Anyway. So Karen Kilgariff texted me. Yeah. This whole situation. Back to your muscles. Back to my muscles. No, back to it. We were talking about pops. So you said root beer. you like. And then my question was... What root beer? Well, it's Barks. Originally from Biloxi, Mississippi. Is it? Yes. No way. Never had it. You've never had Barks? Oh my God. And Barks in the bottle.
If anyone here is Mississippi. Where are those Mississippi folk? But yeah, Barks in the Bottle is where it is at. The glass bottle? Oh, yes. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean, Max and... And Finn loved the fact that when I was little in Mississippi that we'd be in the back of pickup trucks drinking barks in the bottle, like without seatbelts, just thrown in the back of a pickup truck. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yes, but anyway.
So if you're going to see a movie and, you know, you get a drink and they give you the empty drink and then you go to the station and they got all the taps and all the different pops. I went the other day and obviously I'm... mixing multiple pops that's like the great luxury of
having the option you said you like to mix a lot of them but oh i already said this you did but that's fine you're passionate about it i am it's like it comes up every day if i'm gonna mix any drink it would be like sprite and like a cherry well that's a Shirley Temple. Exactly. Right. No, I'm going ginger ale, Coke Zero.
And Fanta. Aren't those called kamikaze? Are they? I mean, when I was a kid, kamikaze, you just go a little bit of everything. Yeah. And you like the taste. Yeah. And the person I was with was horrified. Yeah. I can see that. Who were you with? I was on a date, actually. Oh! Okay, bury the lead. Oh, yeah, just jump over a date and talk about the soda pop you had. Oh, me? I was just on a little date, Mason.
Yeah. Can we know the gender? The gender is female. Oh, okay. I know you had a male date, right? I did. Oh, wait. Did we ever talk about how that went? It was great. Oh, okay. Tell us. What do you mean? It was great. Tell us details. No, I've got to turn a new corner. Okay. Oh, I'm not sharing? I'm not sharing. Well, I feel like we could break this very easily. You can break this very easily. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Mm-hmm.
Yeah. I mean, yeah. You're just having fun. I'm having fun. I'm in my hot boy summer, I guess. And so when you go on a date with a dude. Yeah. Do you pick each other up? Do you meet somewhere who picks up the bill? Oh, nice. Good question. Thank you. Do you kiss goodnight? Oh, yeah, give us all these duties. These are one-touch privates. What's happening? Is this the 1950s? Who pays the bill? I mean, I will say I am curious, too. Hey, well, fortune, me too. Yeah, yeah.
We're both curious. You don't have to answer everything, but what you're willing to answer. Well, on this particular date, we met in a bar and we bought our own drinks, I think. I think, or I bought a round and he bought a round. And then did some kissing and then didn't go. But maybe we'll see. And did you meet on a nap? We did meet on a nap. I would love to walk into a bar.
And see you smooching a dude. I don't know. I don't know. It's fascinating to me. Really? Yeah. Right? No? Have you kissed a boy? Have I kissed a boy? We know about the H.J. But did you kiss? It wasn't even a full H.J. It was a grab. A grab. Yeah. That was more of a musical lesson. Yeah. Yeah. The only boy I've kissed two boys. Yeah. But tongue? Years and years ago. One tongue, one no tongue.
Now, back to your muscles. Back to my muscles. Yeah, I'm doing a lot of pull-ups. I'm lifting weights with this bubbly boy trainer. he's so bubbly my friend elliot he's amazing if you're in la you gotta see elliot and i listened to Backstreet Boys or Alanis Morissette while I do it. Yeah. Or Weezer sometimes. I love Weezer. Love Weezer. Not that I don't enjoy the others, but I'm like... I love how, like, Weezer reminds me of the cars. Like, how...
almost robotic the music is. Right. You know? Like, Weezer reminds me of a modern-day version of The Cars. Yeah. I don't know The Cars. I was about to lie and pretend I did. You don't know The Cars? No.
Do you know the Cars? With Rick O. Kasich, lead singer. You don't know the Cars. Oh, my God. Tell me a song. They don't know the Cars. Tell us a song. Yeah, yeah, yeah. They don't know the Cars. Who are you talking to? Thomas? Anybody. Are you talking to the air or Thomas? They don't know the Cars. We don't know the cars. Tell us the song.
Is there a hit song? It doesn't. Oh, no, no, no. The cars haven't had a hit. Are you stalling because you don't know the songs? You don't know their songs. Just what I needed. Just what I needed. Sure. Just what I needed. How does it go? I know I know that song, but now I can't think of how it goes. Anyway, it doesn't matter. It doesn't even matter. But they influenced Weezer, we think. I don't even know. I mean, I...
I don't know. I have no idea. But when I hear Weezer, I'm like, God, this is like the modern day cars because there's something. And we know exactly what that means. I like that the lead singer's name is Rivers. Cuomo. That's a great name. Rivers is a great name. I remember he went through a period of time, maybe still, where he was abstaining from sex. Really? Yeah. I should do that. I feel like it was around 2001.
Really? As you enter your hot boy summer? No, you're right. Now's not the time. Save that from winter. And he publicly was like, I'm... Why for like to keep his creative juices? Possibly. Is that a thing? Do you think that you're... expelling like if the energy of desire is connected to the energy of creativity in some way or like do you think being monastic and stuff is gonna you'll channel that energy into other stuff? I don't know.
Maybe that was his hope. Well, maybe he had other issues around, you know, relationships or sex or whatever it was that he felt like he had. There he goes. All right. He's off to the races. A motorcycle just zoomed by. Did you hear that? Some people just know they could save hundreds on car insurance by checking Allstate first. Like you know to check that your high school is actually holding a reunion before heading back to your hometown 10, 20, or 30 years after you graduated.
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Did you end up doing your thing in Ojai that you were going to do? I did. How was it? Yeah, Emily Selliers from the Indigo Girls. How was it? It was so, I mean, it was such a magical weekend. Really? Stephanie and I took Max and Finn to Ojai, and it was for the Playwrights Conference at the Ojai Playhouse. Such a great theater.
Such a great lineup of talented people. And we stayed, you know, Michaela Watkins. I love her. Yeah, she's so... ridiculously funny and a solid human being as is her husband Fred and we stayed in their guest house for the weekend and their property is just so beautiful and we were swimming treading water and whatever ice cream and everyone kept yelling keep it handsome everywhere in ohio i love that i i went to i went up recently And I swam in a river like a...
Oh, yeah. Yeah, I was jumping, scrabbling around. Oh, yeah, Fred wanted to take us to the river. It's amazing. We didn't have time. It was so nice. Yeah. And then there were these people there with a dog, and the dog was jumping in the water. And I had my camera, and I was like paparazzi-ing this dog, and I think they were getting uncomfortable with it. Because I was like, when the dog went in the water. It was like a cattle dog. It was a dog.
beautiful cattle dog. I want a dog so bad. Like an Australian cattle? I thought you were going to share custody with one with Alana. Yeah, these two pit bull puppies, Bert and Ernie. One of them, I think, has been adopted. And then Alanis keeping the other one. Oh, she is. Yeah, she's keeping Ernie. Alanis Morissette? Alana Johnston. Alanis. When will she be my friend? Alanis. Alanis.
i don't talk straight to the camera can you be friends with may yeah like i don't mean to be weird about it but i just think we'd get along I also think we'd get along too, but if you also want to be my friend. I feel like we would have intense issues. Actually, I've already met Alanis. So have I. Yeah, we met Alanis too. We were saying we want to be friends with Alanis. I know, but I'm saying, like, I met her. We had bad energy. No, we did not. Alanis, I don't think, has bad energy.
She stared deep in my soul and I've been changed ever since. Yeah, that's what I want. Well, I have been changed ever since. I mean, this weekend in Ojai. Yeah. Listening to Emily Saliers sing with Beth Malone. Do you know who Beth Malone is? One of the stars of Fun Home. Did you see Fun Home? Oh, yeah. Are you familiar with Fun Home? No. That was great.
It's a great musical. What are you talking about? Is there a way to see it? I saw it in New York and I saw it in LA. It is so fun home. Fun home. It is a musical. You'd really like it. Yes. Okay. It is. it is so gay okay now we're talking and um it's so oh and stephanie pointed out because we well let me finish it emily
Hearing Emily and Beth and then Jonathan Brooke, she was in the band The Story and she's incredible solo. The three of them singing, I was like, somebody kill me. Really? Yes. And then independently and everybody on the show. I love that. it was so insane yeah but um on one mississippi stephanie and i recreated and sang the duet um the song from fun home called ring of keys okay um As a duet? Yeah. It is such a beautiful song. Does Stephanie sing?
Yes. I love her voice. Oh, I didn't know that. She never sings an improv when we're doing improv. In fact, if a song comes up, she'll bail. Yeah. She's a little weirdo. But she sang that night with Emily and Beth and everyone. Ring of Keys is not a duet. Oh, what I was going to say is it's the little girl version of Beth's character in the play. Okay. Who's like maybe 10 and she's in this store.
And then this butchy woman walks in with a ring of keys on her belt loop and has lace-up boots. And this little girl is like... Sees herself in this person and it's that moment of like
And the lines of the song are like, I know you. Can you feel my heart saying hi? It is the most beautiful song. And Stephanie and I sang it to each other in our little love story in One Mississippi. And then we're... in oh hi with beth malone that's cool um who didn't sing ring of keys but she sang ring of keys at the yeah the performance this last weekend and stephanie and i were just like are you
kidding me i mean you have to see perfectly it really was it was so fun and um yeah we just i had we all had a wonderful time oh good i've love Jesus Christ Superstar the musical and I have I already said this too fortunate I don't think so but you know that they're doing the Hollywood Bowl with Cynthia Erivo yeah I got tickets but I feel like I've lost my mind because I went nuts it was late at night I saw
It's Adam Lambert as Judas, Cynthia Erivo as Jesus, and I spent $2,000 on tickets. Whoa, baller. Should we cut that out? Is that really like... No, people need to know. I have made... I don't even have someone to go with. I just was like, I need to be there and I need to be near the front. I don't know why. I don't think you're going to have a hard time getting somebody to go to that with you. Do they have to reimburse you?
No. The Hollywood Bowl is pretty magical, too. It's a really great experience. I think I'm going to love it. If you really want to see something, you work hard, go see it. I might try and get my dad to come down to L.A. because he was in Jesus Christ Superstar. Oh, yeah. That's different. kind of evening than i thought for you but that's great too i mean i think it'd be really bonding he's like he he played he was the understudy for pontius pilot and he also is it pontius or pontius
Or is it Pontius? I thought it was Pontius Pilate. Wait. It's not Pontius, is it? How do we always run into this problem? That sounds like Pontius. Pontius Pilate? You're saying Pontius? I thought it was Pontius. Pontius Pilate? I've always said Pontius. No, I don't know. Thomas? I can play the Google pronouncer of it. Yeah. Oh, God. Pontius Pilate. Oh, my God. No. One more time?
Pontius Pilate. Still Pontius Pilate. Oh my god. Pontius just makes me think of Pontius. Wait, so then has my dad been saying it wrong? Maybe that's y'all's Canadian way. That's why you think it's Pontius. When they're actually called Pontius. I was like, you know, they made me go to church all the time growing up. I was like, I'm pretty sure it's Pontius. Oh, there is a British pronunciation. Oh, here we go.
Pontius Pilate. Still Pontius. It's just more Pontius Pilate. Can you run the Japanese pronunciation? Pontius Pilate. Yeah. But I think that would be good bonding. That would be nice. Because he always sings his line from the play was, Good Caiaphas, the council waits for you. And he still sings it in the kitchen while he's cooking.
It was like 40 years ago that he was in the musical. That's his one line in the musical? That'll be a great show. Oh, it's going to be great. You'll have a ball. I got to go to the Hollywood Bowl sometime this summer. Yeah, I bet you will. I sure will. Yeah, listen to some music, dance around. Yeah. I know we have to get to our guests, but I want to tell you something. Please. I'm going at...
We're just holding hands for a minute. Let's all really pull together, because this is hard, what I'm about to say. Feeling handsome right now. I go to physical therapy at 7 in the morning. Oh, fuck. And I feel like...
i'm just like walking on air because i i i find it so fun to be walking down the sidewalk at like 6 45 in the morning really oh it's so exhilarating people are asleep yeah and and um and i go and i physical therapy working on my knee and my back and stuff and then um and it's inspired me to get a a personal trainer this week or this summer yes dude yeah who are you gonna get
Who am I going to get? Who are you going to get? I don't know. You want to be my personal trailer? I think you should get Elliot. Yeah, he's amazing. Your physical therapy, is it like strengthening stuff or loosening stuff or what? All sorts of things. Strengthen it, loosen it up, strengthen it back up, pull it tight, let it go, cut it off. Yeah. Whatever it takes.
Yeah. So I don't know. You know, I might be buff one day. It might surprise you. I should do that, too. Maybe I'll get buff with you. We'll catch up to May. Just weights are the best thing. Yeah, but Mae can't tread water for an hour. No way. Are you kidding? I am so. So if you and I are treading for an hour. Yeah. And we get buff. Oh, I'm fucked then. Yeah. Watch out. We'll log tie you. a wrestling match. This episode of Handsome is brought to you by Graza.
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yeah and then sometimes we learn things we don't want to know learn things we don't want to know and sometimes we give information that's wrong
Oh, a million percent. A million percent. Every now and then we do give some incorrect information. Oh, God. I went to get a... coffee the other day the person told me to keep it handsome it's such a treat it's so good yeah it's fun I was walking across the street in Ojai with my family And this truck goes by, and I just hear this woman yell, Kevin Hazel! And then I was also I was waiting for my family to come out of the ice cream shop. So I was sitting alone.
on a bench just going like this. I love a bench. Yeah, and you love ice cream. I'm sitting there alone just like licking my ice cream. Yeah, and this woman walks by and she's like, I love your podcast. I was like, thanks. Our question asker today, I'm so excited. I'm such a fan of hers.
I can tell your foot's flat. My little foot started jiggling. You love this woman. I love Cowboy. She's hilarious. She's a great actor. You know her from Girls, from the movie Megan, and from Get Out, and she has a new podcast. out on HeadGum, which is where our podcast is. Wow, so she'll be in here recording, I guess. Oh my gosh, she'll be in the building. That's insane. We'll have to say hi to her sometime. What's her name?
Well, her podcast is called Landlines. Okay, what's her name? Allison Williams is asking today's question. She's so fun. Hello, Hanson Podcast. You handsome podcast. You, um, it's Alison Williams. I'm a huge fan of your show and of all three of you individually. What are the odds? It's a dream scenario. I really hope that I get to like.
hang with you in real life one of these days, but in the meantime, I've been given the great honor and honestly burden, but happy to shoulder it of asking you a question that no one has asked you yet. that sparks conversation and that I can also answer in a way that isn't boring. What is the most banal superpower, AKA just life skill that you wish you could download into your system automatically. I'm not looking for anything extraordinary or even
impressive necessarily. It's just something that maybe a huge swath of the population can just already do and you cannot. That is my question. Yep. Okay. Great question. Thank you, Austin Williams. And we would also like to hang out with you as well. Calm down, cowboy. I feel like something popped into your mind because you really quickly were like... Yeah, well, I don't know. It's hard because I can technically carry a tune. We've all seen it. We've all seen it with Alanis.
And the chicks. But man, if I could sing like Kelly Clarkson. Right. Like really. Like really just you're like hanging out with people and they're like, oh, there's like a. mic on stage and the karaoke is about to start. That always happens. You know how that happens in life? And you just get up there and you sound like Kelly Clarkson? Yeah. Come on. I feel like the thing that separates amateur singers from... Amateur. Okay.
What are you saying? Amateur, but amateur. Amateur? That could be a British thing. Have you not talked to people? Amateur could be a British thing. I just maybe read a lot. I read a lot. I don't speak a lot. You speak like old language. just like amateur Pontius but like you know how really amazing singers can do those like roles like a Whitney Houston like a like Wait, you did it the other day. Like, but yeah.
I guess we all did it. Don't do that. You said when you're hanging out with friends, there's a microphone. Yeah. That's what I just did. I got the Kelly Clarkson in me going. That's true. But can you imagine just being able to like... belt like that. She's like next level. I've never even heard Kelly go flat. Right.
It's just unbelievable. And the range. How often are you hearing her sing? As much as possible. I'm always looking up her songs online. And this is where I come in again and tell the story about Anar, her bass player. Yes, yeah. kissed i can't even pretend like he was my boyfriend but we're friends now um and um but yeah we had a little uh thing for one another and he's kelly's bassist yeah okay so
But I wouldn't mind if I could also, with that, play piano or guitar really well. Right. What are you doing, buddy? Biggie's suddenly revved up. It was from all the singing. It's very George of the Jungle. It feels like, yeah, I know, Biggie, it's disturbing. That noise that came out.
he's disturbed by that yeah well i'm looking at his um his b-hole yeah so okay i think mine would be and this would really improve my quality of life is like just to be one of those people who's effortless in the kitchen like who whips up a meal and then also it's suddenly cleaned up and tidy after like it's like it never happened like people are good at that i'm good at that are you i am good at i'm not great at
cooking, I'm fine. I can get things heated up and chopped and stuff into your mouth. I clean as I go. Smart. I am that person that, I mean, when I make my smoothie in the morning, there's no sign of it by the time I'm, you know. Yeah. I just remember, I don't think either. My dad can whip stuff up fast. He's a really good cook. Puppets, too. Yeah, he whips up a puppet like nobody's business. But when I was a kid and I'd go to people's houses and just their parents would be like...
Oh, you want an omelet? And they cook it so fast. Yeah, that's nice. That's a nice skill, too. Well, an omelet's kind of easy. I guess you're right. You just get the little flat egg situation, throw some stuff, and flip it over. Flat egg situation. What's a flat egg situation? Or you mean... Like on a skillet? You're using a skillet? What do you use? Pan. Regular frying pan. Sure, you can use that. But I'm just saying like...
You throw in your ingredients or whatever, whether it's in the mix of the egg or you put it in the middle. Okay, but what if you want this and you flap it over? I mean, I don't even eat eggs, but I did. an asparagus oh that's right no eggs for you so asparagus omelet the asparagus has got to be cooked before it goes unless you like a raw asparagus in your cooked egg
I am impressed by people that can just go in the fridge and pull a bunch of crap out and make something amazing. If I did that. Really? I can pull a bunch of things out and make something terrible to average. Okay. Well, I admit it's got to taste good. Okay, but I have to say, there have been many times that Stephanie's like, wow.
Like, wow, you heated up these things that were all not belonging together. The first step for me would be... having the ingredients and the things like if i did that now in my fridge i'd be like i got a protein bar a cheese string and an applesauce what can i omelet what can i make with this yeah scramble it up yeah
Yeah, so that's mine, I think. Like, effortless cooking. Think about how healthy I'd be. You seem pretty healthy to me. We saw your muscles. I'm tired all the time. You're thin, though. But I'm eating probably a bunch of weird stuff.
Thank you. Yeah. But I want to be eating fresh, organic food that I'm cooking on myself. I mean, this one's got that on lock. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, you eat so clean. But I also, I have... cookies and i have cake and i have chips and nobody's listening i'm sitting here saying celebrities are just like you just got startled
Almost fell over, but he was already lying down. He probably didn't realize he wasn't where he was. Oh, yeah. You kind of love to me. Okay. What would your superpower be? Yeah. I want to make it clear. Yeah. Fortune. What's up? I still have vegan cake and cookies and things. I know. I know. And that's good. You have to like treat yourself, but you are a very clean eater. But I also love it. People misunderstand and think that I'm doing this.
against my will yeah right like punishing yourself eating healthy and i'm like i'm very i'm it excites me yeah yeah that's great see i i want to have more of that like i want to uh i want to crave the kind of foods you crave Well, I would love to make my smoothie for you. I would love it. But also, I'll go out to eat with people and they're like, oh, is it okay if I order this or that? And I'm like, I don't.
Just because I eat this way, I don't care. You're not the police. No. The vegan police. No. About anybody the way they eat. Yeah. Yeah. Or exercise or don't exercise. Like, that's not my thing. I want to have a dinner party and just do like. Three courses, but effortlessly. But also, little cowboy, for you to have a hot date with somebody who maybe spent the night for whatever reason, and in the morning...
Say, how do you like your eggs? How do you like your eggs in the morning? I like mine with asparagus raw. And would you cook naked with an apron on? Oh, yeah, I would actually. I'd like that. I feel more confident naked than in clothes. Would you wear a ruffly apron?
What's a roughly? Well, like roughly. Oh, roughly. Yeah. Yeah. Like an apron with some ruffles around the edges. I think I have to draw the line somewhere. I don't know. I would maybe do it as like a fun role play if I was like, I'm going to. femme it up yeah you know high heels high heels naked with roughly with a roughly that would blow someone's mind i've before i was like a
Kind of like role play thing. How do you like your eggs in the morning? And then kick your high heel off. Oh my god. A light comes crashing down. Would I do that? So you just walk around naked all the time? in my usually like in my underwear but just like in general it's when i put clothes on that i feel awkward like they don't fit right and i feel like i don't know how to sit and stand that's why you need an apron and some heels that's all i need
Some stilettos? I was in Australia with Caroline Ray once, and I asked if I could put on her high heels. And she let me put them on and I just was hauling ass down the sidewalk in her high heels. Are you serious? Wow, they're hard to walk in. I'd like to see that. Easy to run in. Wow. Caroline Ray cracks me up. She is a silly, silly person. She gave me a funny tag for one of my sweet and salty special where I was talking about coming out and she said she said
Your hair knew you were gay before you did. I thought that was funny. That's really good. What would your superpower be? Well, I mean, I'm a little jealous of yours and yours, but mainly yours because I... You relate. I just really would love to have, and maybe with the time off that I've had, I can utilize it to get better at cooking.
Since I'm going to go with something different, even though I would love to have both of your superpowers. Yeah. I would love to garden. Yeah. I would love to be somebody that's just out. Snipping things and talking to you. And having an abundance of produce come from it. Like right now, talk to me about something and I have gardening gloves on. Did you see that movie Sinners? Oh no. Huh? Do you see that movie Sinners? Oh, I didn't. What are you doing there? I'm just clipping some things.
you know the lingo yeah i'm halfway there vines branches i'm clipping the things i used to my grandma used to always say I have to go and deadhead the flowers. You'd deadhead them, like you'd take the dead leaves off and I'd go and be her buddy doing it and we'd have a good chat. Yeah, you have to trim them so that they can bloom. Yeah.
isn't that true of life? isn't it? you gotta shed in order to blossom shed to grow shed to grow should we hear what uh allison has to say i would love to hear what allison has to say i bet you would my answer to this question is that i would be able to nap this system does not power down midway through the day it needs like a lot of time to sort of like relax in order to go to sleep at night that already is very difficult but being able to take a nap
to like shut this down midday for 45 minutes an hour and 15 like that's that would fundamentally alter my life and i have yet to figure out how to achieve that um with the limited tools that I've been given in this life. Anyway, thank you for having me and I hope I get to see you all very soon. Okay, I don't care what any of you say. I don't think she's ugly. I just don't. Her genetics are... Cut that out. Cut that out.
The handsoms are flustered. We can't objectify every female guest. I think that's the first time the three of us have had the same taste. Did it get hot in here? I'm really surprised you didn't say that for your answer, the sleep thing. Well, after she said that, I was like, oh, there's another thing I want. I would love.
Yeah. I mean, I told you, I have a sleep coach right now. Yeah. Yeah. Napping is hard for me. I can't shut it down during the day. My problem is, and I know it's going to be like, oh, classic May. Classic May. you're up making puppets all night when i lie down to have a nap i mean during the day then i get horny and then i like wait wait time out you get horny when you go to take a nap yeah and then i'll think
And I'll be stressed that I can't power down my brain. And I'll think if I just get off, then I'll sleep. And then I end up. That takes a while. Wide awake. And it's time to get up again. Because it takes away from all the puppet making. Exactly. Exactly. Painting. I've never heard of. Going to take a nap and it makes you horny. I hope people listening can relate to this. Please, please. Call 1-800-HORNY-NAP. Our handsome listeners, you must tell us if this is something any of you experience.
Yeah, because it's like an unusual time of day to be in bed, you know, maybe or even. Yeah, I don't know. And. yeah and you're already half naked so exactly you're in your frilly and is it just glancing at your own body you're like well you know i'm no it's like it's like thinking i want to be deeply relaxed and and and i'm in a bed and then yeah but it just
It takes too long and then I gotta get up. Also, Thomas, I just hiccup burped. Let's keep that in. Keep that in. Does it always take a long time? No. No, but... Honestly, that would be another great superpower. Wait, what are we talking about? Getting off. Getting off. Oh, okay. Sorry for all those. That would be another great superpower, though, to be able to just like, when you're ready for it to happen, you just go.
i just want to garden i mean i'd cut the thing i just want to cut i just want to trim the things i just want to garden oh my god with my old wrinkly fingers i will say if i sang like kelly clark said a lot of people would be horny And that would help them. I have a friend whose girlfriend can sleep anywhere. I was trying to make vegan smoothies staring at us. We...
Make a living doing this. That's insane. That's insanity. What's wrong with us? What is wrong with you? What's wrong with you? I'm just gardening over here. We're trying to make people horny. fortune marie that wasn't my intent to sound like kelly clarkson but it would be a byproduct do you i told you all those lesbians went wild when she sang that song oh yeah
Can you believe how old my hands look? Grandma, take over here. Oh my gosh. I saw this thing online on Instagram. I guess it's like... whatever marketing towards me yeah speaking old hands and it's this product i don't mean to laugh um because i'm sure it's very helpful and i probably could use it because i do you know trip sometimes and break a femur
but uh end up on a cane it's like a a vest that can sense if you're falling i've seen this and it pops up like it suddenly like inflates yeah it inflates and like catches your body I think you should get you should I told Stephanie about it and she goes first date Because we always joke about just awkward moments or whatever. You forget to tell people that you have an inflatable vest on. And you trip and all of a sudden you're like on the ground. Like with an airbag wrapped around you.
um anyway um not a bad idea yeah but that was a really great question like yeah like just something so what seems like nothing yeah sleeping cooking singing yeah what was the other thing This friend of mine who's his girlfriend can sleep anywhere. We'll be having like a dinner party or something. And then she'll go and just lie on the couch and have a quick nap while everyone's still chatting. And then she's up. She's back. Wow. I wish I could do that. Boom.
There's something nice about napping in a room where other people are. You feel like a little kid. Yeah. On the sofa. You can hear the talking. You can hear the chatting in the background. Yeah, it's nice. I remember when Max and Finn were babies and I was in the.
writer's room for one mississippi and so tired like i know people talk about how tired they are but i mean really you're up every hour feeding these little beaks you know yeah and then i'd have to be in the writer's room and then um i would close my eyes you know when you're so deliriously tired i have i told this story before no
It's a good one. Gather around. We're excited. But I would sit there in the room with all the writers. Thomas was there too. He was our writer's assistant. And I would, I was so delirious. I'd be like. I'll just close my eyes. Because two people would be talking. And I'd think, okay, they're engaged. Everyone's going to be looking at them. So I'll just close my eyes. And then Stephanie would nudge me. And I'd be like, oh, my God. But...
Well, it'd be nice if, like, in preschool, there's nap time and everybody rolls out their little mat and you get your little blanket. They should do that in writer's rooms. Well, you know, in Spain they have siestas after lunch, so there it happens. There it happens. There it happens. there it happens well um mace too busy getting horny so no naps for you no no
All right. Anyway, well, that was a glorious episode. It really was. Oh, you know who sleeps anywhere, though. And who's asleep now? Biggie. In his bag, in the car, asleep right away. Like a baby. Watch your mouth. you watch your finger watch your mouth he's full of life I know what a treat you guys it's a pleasure being in the room with you guys I love the gay energy happening in here yeah we all came in just giddy as all get out yeah it's fun it's fun we all fall asleep it's fun it's fun
Oh, you guys. Anyone have anything coming up? I have Las Vegas at the Palazzo Theater June 14th in Lexington, Kentucky, Knoxville, Tennessee. Asheville, North Carolina, Lincoln, California, Edmonton, San Antonio, Houston, D.C., Atlanta, Boston, Chicago, fortunefeemster.com for tickets. What do you got, Mae? I have tonight, June 10th. Wow. I am in San Francisco playing music. I'm going to play my whole album. Please come. Oh, fun. Don't remember the venue, but it'll be on.
MayMartinMusic.com. Oh, that must be your website. That's my website. Also, May 12th, I'm in Portland. And May 13th, I'm in Vancouver at the Vogue Theatre. And that one I would love to... to sell out if you're in vancouver i haven't been there since i filmed my stand-up special there at that theater and come say hi oh and um my series foobar season two will premiere june 12th june 13th i'll be in uh los angeles at largo and then june 14th i think this is about almost sold out but the um
Eureka Springs, Arkansas show. June 21st, I'll be a dynasty typewriter in Los Angeles. That's all you really need to know. I'm just at tignotaro.com. That's my website. awesome you guys and if you just want to buy a book i have a book yeah that i wrote years ago What's it called? It's called I'm Just a Person, which is true. It is true. Yeah, I am just a person. Well, I imagine that book is amazing now. Yeah, it's really good.
It is one of the best books I think ever read and written. No, it's an old book, but I just thought I'd plug it just randomly. Why not? Get my old book. New York Times bestseller. These old hands wrote it. These old hands wrote it. But man, was this a pleasure. What a pleasure. Oh, and if you like.
this show subscribe it's so important to subscribe and it's so important to give us um comments and feedback and tell your friends send this episode subscribe to youtube and our uh audio channel but share your favorite episode share this one yeah oh and get your summer merch you know we have those amazing uh muscle shirts uh-huh muscles yeah and uh they're very popular in summertime yeah and at prides yeah oh yeah you got
we got those pride belt bags too fanny packs some people call them yeah well until next time keep it handsome Handsome is hosted by me, Mae Martin, Tig Notaro, and Fortune Feimster. The show is produced, recorded, and edited by Thomas Ouellette. Email us at handsomepod at gmail.com. And please follow us on social media at handsomepod. What a podcast! What a podcast! That was a HeadGum podcast. Some people just know they could save hundreds on car insurance by checking Allstate first.
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hey gorge it's me got mick and me violet trotsky and we want you to listen to our podcast no gorge now on head gum Each episode, we will be bringing you vlogs, answering burning questions, discussing what's going on right now, and diving into all things fashion, hookups, gossip, and more. With past guests such as Heidi Klum and Dita Von Teese, No Gorge always...
keeps things hot. Listen to No Gorge on your favorite podcast app or watch full video episodes on YouTube. New episodes every Thursday. Bye, Gorge.