No. 56: Addicted to External Validation + DOPAMINE By Any Means Necessary

you look in the mirror and see God. And that came from an account on Instagram at Milan Dea Jean Claude, and I thought that it was beautiful and beautifully stated. And when you get to the place where you dig and you have isolated and you have ached from being lonely, and you start to heal, and you heal and you accept, and then you look in the mirror and you finally see God because you realize that God is in you.

And if God is in me, please explain to me how anything is ever wrong or not perfect about me. It don't work like that. I can't see what's up, y'all. Welcome to Hand Me My Purse the podcast. I am Mimi Walker, and I will be here forever. Host each and every single time you tune into this podcast. So

go ahead and get comfortable. Get yourself a glass of your favorite beverage, whether that's a glass of warm water with lemon, some tampico google it if you don't know what that is, or a glass of chardonnagg Go light yourself a candle, some incense, or burn some sage and just get ready to chill out and have a good time. What's up, friends and Ken, it's Resident Auntie Supreme here at handing my purse Mimi, And today I'm sipping on some room temperature filtered water from the sink. Yes, I

have a filter on my sink. I'm not gonna say what brand it is because they're not paying for any ad space. They're not sponsoring this podcast, so I shan't say. But I'm sipping on a forty ounce of water and I'm drinking it from a dupe or a knockoff of the Stanley mug. Anyone who knows me knows that I am addicted, and I will say addicted. I am addicted to buying cups, bottles, anything that houses beverages. I'm addicted to liquid vessels that can hold liquid that you drink from.

It's kind of my jam. My Starbucks cup collection is ridiculous, and I wanted to my hydro. I have so many hydro flasks, flasks, not flask. And I bought this Stanley dupe because I was gonna get the real one, but then I saw the dupes on Amazon. I was like, let me just get this. And then my little cousin Lindsay found some dupes in TJ max or Marshalls, and I just went and got one. However, I digress anyway, Like I was saying, I'm drinking water, and it's not

cold water, it's not exciting water. It's just water. Because I am always on a quest to consume more quality H two O, and I don't drink enough of it. I just don't think I drink enough and I need to drink more, period. And guess what, I bet you five dollars that you need to drink more water too. So for today's jam, I dug in the crates a little bit and I chose one of my favorite songs

to do car karaoke to. And it's funny. I mentioned my little cousin Lindsay because this is our jam maw okay and one day we're gonna take our act on the road. We definitely are a car karaoke duo that would win top notch awards. Shout out to my little cousin, Lindsay. But it is one of our jams and we used to sing it. She'll be twenty five this year. We used to sing it when she was in high school.

I introduced her to this song and it is when I tell you, it's our jam, and it's so funny because you wouldn't expect a high school student to be singing this in the New Millennium, but you know, the girl's got good taste. So the song is by Freddie

Jackson and it is called Jam Tonight. And just to give you an idea of how I come up with my jams for these episodes, I have a long list of songs that are part jams, but what happens is I rarely end up using them because when I'm preparing for episodes, while I'm sitting and working, I'm usually listening to music. And if I'm listening to music, in a song you know stands out or I want to play it over again, or it's like, ooh, this is my jam.

Usually it's if I repeat the song or put the song on repeat, I'm like, yeah, this is the jam for this episode. So it's really organic. It's like, you know, it speaks to me, and so I go with it. So whilst I was in Starbucks working because that seems to be my new thing, I'm listening to my music with my headphones and this comes on and I start singing and I'm like, you can't do this in a public place, Mimi, You've got to calm down, okay. And

so I'm like, this has to be the jam. And so I want to tell you another reason why I love this song so much is because it's so fun. It's so fun and so happy, and essentially Freddie Jackson is just saying like, don't you want to jam to night? Like don't you want to go out and have a

good time? Like don't you want to have fun? And sometimes when I see people and they look sad, or I see people in there obviously in a space of misery or you know, just down or just not really in a space of gratitude or just grateful for well

fuck grateful for their life. Because let's be real, like we should all be grateful, just to be breathing, but like people who are just in this constant space or even a temporary well, I'm gonna give you a break if it's temporary, but in this constant space of just negative energy, like don't you want to go have a good time? Like don't you want to do something fun? Don't you want to live a fun life? Because essentially

that's what he's saying. He's like, let's go out, We're gonna go dance and teach me how to do this new dance. I'm gonna teach you how to do this new dance. And for me, it's just a fun song. And so uh the lyrics that I'm gonna read, he says, there's a new dance in town. Now, who could be sitting down? You've got to meet in time. The time must have tell you have got the beat. It's not too hard to keep once you start to jam. Oh, now, don't you want to jam tonight? Don't you want to

jam tonight? It's real simple, like don't you want to jam tonight? So I want you to listen to the song. Maybe listen to it on a Saturday or when you're doing something like Saturday, because you know, most people clean up on Saturdays Saturday morning. But listen to it while you're driving, Listen to it while you're doing something that doesn't require a lot of thinking, because it's just a happy song. He's like, let's go out on the town. It's a new place to go out. This new club

just opened up. Girl, Let's go out and have a good time. And so in the show notes, I'm gonna put the live version because the live version I liked that. He had a nice I think it's jakard is what I could thoroughly be butchering this word. But I'm pretty sure it's called jaquard or bricard. I don't know either way. I think it's jakard jaccai if we were singing in French. But it looked like your grandma couch or your grandmama curtains from the eighties, and it's like champagne and it's

like embroidery. He has this jacket on. It's very nice. I really like it a lot. I'm gonna put the live version and i'm gonna put the album version. If you guys like it. If you don't, that's none of my business, because it is the jam for this episode and it's one of my faves. And if you don't like it, that's fine.

that's a word. I thought I made it up, but something told me to just go look it up, and what do you know, it's a real deal word unwellness. Here's the definition. Unwellness denotes a state of being ill, but tends to suggest a lesser degree of ailment than would be indicated by the terms illness or sickness. So that just goes to show. But I say here that I do know some things without even knowing that I

know somethings. So anyway, this episode is going to possibly make a few people a little upset, but at this point we know that I am not really concerned about that. Clearly, I'm not here to offend anybody that is never my intention. It's not what I want to do. But I want to hold us all accountable, including myself, and offending people is not my focus it I'm not rude to that extent.

Excuse me, nor am I concerned with being malicious or desire to just go around offending people, especially people I don't know in real life, Like it's pointless. However, some things just need to be said out right. So I was laying in bed one night and my insomnia was on a trilliawn it was on a trillion and a good friend of mine sent me a video on Instagram

of a woman sitting in her car sobbing. Really, my friend and I both share a disgust for these kind of videos because I don't understand what the fuck is it about, Like why are you doing this? And it's a bit egregious, And I mean, this woman was like weeping and on top of the crying, there were words. There was a sound, right, but it wasn't the sound of her crying. She's also done a voiceover on the

video about why she was crying. So it's one thing to make a video of yourself sobbing with the sound of you crying and talking. It's another strategic thing to strategically ridiculous. I'll say thing to make a video of you crying, not have sound of the crying, but then you doing a voiceover over the crying. The crying is silenced of course, about why you were crying. And you know, God has blessed me with a serious spirit of discernment.

And it was clear to me that this woman was really like pushing this cry out of her, like she was trying to give birth, and like, you know, just to be honest, like she was just she was acting at some point and she was I'm going to give her the benefit of the doubt. Maybe she was sitting in her car and she was upset and she did start to cry at some point and then began to record. That could be so like, maybe that happened. I could totally see that happening. But some of those tears were

not organic. Now, this show is not about that woman in particular. However, it's about doing the absolute most on good sister Kiki Palmer's Internet for attention. It sends me up a freaking wall, like I don't understan stand it at the hell all. It makes no sense to me. I don't get it. Well, I get people wanting to go viral, right, but I don't get people wanting to go viral. I also don't understand how people don't realize how silly it is, Like it's so ridiculous they look ridiculous.

And the time you spend sitting in those behaviors and doing those things could be spent really getting to know who you actually are and not who you are pretending to be, and being a better you so that you can actually like your own damn self and not spend time trying to get millions of people who don't really give a damn about you at all to see you and like your posts. But anyway, again I digress. I want to discuss validation, in particular seeking external validation, like

seeking external validation on the internet. So let's start by establishing that wanting to be validated and accepted is not a bad thing. It's a normal thing. It's a human thing, it's a human it's a natural human desire to want

to be accepted and validated, valued, understood by your fellow humans. Period. However, the constant need to seek outside validation under no circumstances can that be healthy and some of us are on these internets daily looking for approval, validation, acceptance, and admiration and some emotion. So you know me, let's go on ahead and look at some of the root causes for this behavior, because we got to get to the root

of it. Okay, So, as I was perusing the good internets preparing for this episode, I found something and it reads, if you don't feel accepted in your real life, you might search for validation online. Sometimes online communities can really help people, and sometimes they can make us feel even more alone. I also read this adverse childhood experiences and having low self esteem may influence why we seek approval.

If you have a fragile sense of self worth, it can be hard to validate your own experiences, so you may feel the need to seek approval from others. Okay.

Folks who tend to deal with feelings of insecurity, even if they don't overtly show it or they think that they do a good job of masking it, can and do seek out constant external validation, and ultimately they become addicted to the temporary high that they feel when they experience that false sense of validation from somewhere outside of themselves and the moment it takes away the weight of their feelings of insecurity and inadequacy, and they begin to

feel like an immediate shift in their and their false sense where sense of self worth right. People who tend to deal with, or who have dealt with a lot of rejection in their life are also seeking to reverse those experiences. And to me, that is normal, as someone who has dealt with a lot of rejection and I mean rejection trauma like that, it's normal, like if you get a lot of adverse, if your trauma goes left, you want to pull it right. You want to pull a lot of right. You want to go right. I

get that. Like I said before, it's human to desire to reverse your negative feelings and experiences. It's human to desire outside acceptance and admiration and validation from other people. I get that. However, we got to be realistic about how we go about doing that, because constantly looking for other people to make us feel good about ourselves and our existence, just our mere existence on this planet, it's not the answer long term, and to be quite honest,

it's not sustainable. And this kind of behavior for some people can serve as a subconscious coping strategy for dealing with some serious mental health issues. And I mean, let's be honest, like it's not helping, it's not helping you at all. What in the world is that it's merely a distraction from what the real issue is that we're dealing with. It's the real it's a way to get away from what's really happening. And that's the fact that you need to get some professional help. Like I don't

know how else to say it. Like, you know, if you are constantly looking for someone else to validate your beautiful, perfectly made in the eyes of God, human existence, you got to get some help to get to the root of why you are feeling this way. There are some serious mental health diagnoses that are associated with the constant need for external validation, and there are some that are not as heavy. But I am not a clinician, so

I'm not going to get into that. Just get a therapist and see where you may fit on the mental health spectrum, because mental health is definitely a spectrum. It's not a monolith. All quote unquote crazy because people think that because you see a therapist or because you say, yes, I have some mental health issues I believe that we all everyone on this planet deals with mental health issues.

And I think that mental health I view mental health as a spectrum and we are all somewhere on that spectrum, all of us. And I think it's important for us to address those issues when we are constantly going outside of ourselves to get the things that we need to sustain our joy, our piece, our freedom, our peace of mind, our happiness, our gratitude, being gentle and kind to ourselves. We need to go find out why we have a hard time with that period because those things should come

natural for us, like realistically. And I've actually also heard of research done that states that validation from external sources can feed our dopamine. There are lots of studies that have been done about, particularly about social media and how likes and viral videos and feeling like feeling like you to men are feeling like you to shit online it feeds our need for that chemical dopamine. What is dopamine? Dopamine is the chemical that is released in our brain

when we experience temporary pleasure. You know, dopamine is present in a lot of situations. I'm gonna read it again. What is dope? It's just the chemical that is released in our brain when we experience temporary pleasure. Use your imagination, friends, Dopamine is what goes off when the pleasure button is pushed. Okay, bing bang bing bing bing. That was my own little sample, bing bing bing, bing bing. That's what it sounds like when the pleasure button is pushed. I guess, bing bing

bing bing bing. So, of course, anyway, think about it, Okay, when that pleasure button is pushed, we want more. You want more, You want more, more, more, more, more, more more. You know the little girl from that commercial. We really like it, so we want more, we want more. I

kind of feel like with seeking that outside validation. Excuse me, there's also the desire and the need, and maybe it's a subconscious need and like I mean a strong need to feed our broken spaces, to feed the cracks inside of us that are caused by unaddressed trauma, sadness, loneliness, mental health, illness, like all those things. And when I talk about trauma, I mean all kinds of trauma, emotional trauma,

sexual trauma, psychological trauma, psychological trauma. Just making sure I said that correctly, physical trauma, spiritual trauma, all the traumas, all the traumas. I am tired, and here's what I'm noticing. It sounds a lot like what people experience when they are dealing with addiction. Because let's just be real, you can be addicted to more than just cigarettes, crack pills, whiskey,

lean or even sex, food, thrill seeking. Some people are addicted to risk taking, some people are addicted to money. You can be addicted to all kinds of things anything, and realistically, some of y'all are out here just straight up addicted to external valid from strangers. And if it sounds crazy, please be advised. The shit looks just as crazy as it sounds to people that are watching from the outside.

to heal whatever wounds you have inside. But I think that, you know, I want people to understand that the only way to heal us as a ashe umans, but more particularly in order for us to heal in our community, in the black community, is that we have to hold each other accountable, and we have to say shit that other people may not want to say, or other people may not want to hear. We got to say the shit that don't feel good, you know, And I'm gonna

say it. That's it, And I just want you to know that I'm not saying it or I'm not coming from a place of judgment, because who am I to judge? As Andrew Caldwell says, who are me to judge? Who are me to judge? You know what I mean? I can't judge anybody because I got my own stank that I'm over here working on. So I just want to say that, and I want it to be known that I'm never I'm never showing up with an observation without

a solution. People who come to the table with a lot of complaint and a lot of grumpy, negative, whiny whan why energy, particularly negative complaining energy, but never have any solutions or never have any ideas about how to get better at the thing that they're complaining about. Like, those are not the kind of people you want around you, because those people are stuck. Anyway, I just wanted to

say that let's move forward. Okay, So how are we going to tackle dealing with the aforementioned feelings and with realizing that some of us could very well be addicted to external validation. First thing we need to do is going to be to examine our childhood experiences. What in the world is that we need to consider taking an inventory of the experiences of invalidation that maybe we have experienced in our lives throughout our childhood and even throughout adulthood.

Because the truth of the matter is that as adults, we experience people being nasty to us. We experience rejection, oftentimes from people that we hold the dearest to our hearts, people that we love the most. We experience malicious or maltreatment, malicious treatment or maltreatment from people that we look up to or that we see in a certain light, and

we have to heal those things too. Because people talk a lot about healing your childhood trauma, and I just mentioned examining your childhood experiences, but we also have to examine our adult experiences too. We can't disregard the fact that we experience trauma as adults too. And just because you're grown or you're an adult, or you pay your own bills, or you graduate from highschool or college and you got a driver's license or you got a good job,

that don't mean that you don't have feelings. That doesn't negate the fact that you hurt and you feel pain and you experience trauma. So anyway, you want to ask yourself this question, did I feel invisible or like I was deprived of healthy attention and praise as a child. I'm going to also say, do I or are there times when I feel invisible or like I am deprived of healthy attention as an adult? And if so, in

what ways? Then you want to consider how you may be able to give yourself the healthy praise and attention and validation, love and attention. If I set attention twice, sorry that you never received or that you feel you never received. Because the truth of the matter, is that you can say you never received it, you know, particularly as a child, because this happens a lot with parents. You can say, oh, you didn't do X Y for me, and your parent will say, what are you talking about?

I always did that. So your experience and your parent experience parents experience may not be the same, but whatever it is, you can't expect them to fix it for you today. You got to fix it for yourself. So figure it out for you. Next what you want to do or the next thing that you can do is you can use self care. You know, here we always

talk about self care. Use self care to self validate, Okay, try replacing your excessive validation seeking behaviors and thoughts with some self soothing methods that work out for you, such as mindfulness practices, meditation, yoga, or whatever it is. You know. I say all the time that it's not all about textbook meditation. Meditation could be taken a long shower. Meditation could be going for a walk. Meditation could be going to the beach and listening to the waves. I just

went to the beach last week, this last weekend. When I tell you it is something about me with sand it's funny because the sand really flares up my eggsama on my feet. I think I'm allergic to sand. But that's not the end there. But it's something about the water and like the ocean and seeing the water come up on the shore that really is meditative for me. You gotta figure out which your thing is. And I

read this on the internet. It says a twenty eleven study found that eight weeks of mindfulness meditation could physically change the brain, increasing gray matter in area I don't even know what the hell that is, but whatever, increasing gray matter in areas of the brain related to decision making, empathy, and emotional regulation. Listen, emotional regulation. We all need some of that. I'm getting ready to get on an eight

week mindfulness meditation practice just for emotional regulation. Practicing your meditations or your mindfulness may also help you to improve your self control when it comes to setting boundaries and making decisions that are aligned with what you really and truly want. I'm gonna say that again. Practicing meditation and mindfulness may help you to improve your self control when it comes time to set boundaries and make decisions that are aligned with what you truly want. Also, using positive

affirmations can be used for self validation. I'm the queen of positive affirmations. I write them down, I put them up. I listen to podcasts about that, just say them over and over. I listen to songs people have turned. Let me tell you how black people are so awesome. I know some black folks that have some songs. They create songs, and they turn the songs into positive affirmations. We dope like that. And the funny part is that the song will be a whole bop and you'll be just saying

the same thing. I am perfect, I am perfect, I am valid. Jamming not even realizing that you're affirming yourself. And what you want to do is you want to tailor your affirmations to whatever your specific needs are, because they shift and they change. Having a problem at work, you need some affirmations about work. Having a problem in your relationship, you need some affirmations about your relationship. Dealing with grief, need affirmations about grief. That's a good part.

You can do whatever you want. Next, you need to learn how to practice. Now, you need to learn how to practice. You need to start practice saying no no. There's one way people pleasing and seeking validation can be a hard habit to break. I know because I deal with that. I deal with people pleasing because I've kind of been raised to be a people pleaser. I have, and it's it's especially hard when you have a fear of abandonment or when you have abandonment trauma. It's hard.

Abandonment trauma and seeking external validation is definitely directly connected. But I'm telling you can get free of it. I know because I have now. I know you can, And you can start by practicing saying no to smaller requests before you move on to big stuff, because it can be scary when you have to tell somebody no, if you have some issues around abandonment or if you have abandonment trauma. And sometimes I still deal with that when it comes to people that I really love, are people

I'm really close to. Sometimes I still deal with it, and I'm not ashamed to say it. I'm not at all because I ain't perfect. Shit, I'm not, but you got to learn how to do it. Sometimes I have to tell myself. I tell a really good friend of mine, no is a complete sentence. Somebody asks you to do something you don't want to do. No, that's the end

of the sentence. No, well why not? I don't want to And you say that if you really like them, like if you really want to explain to them or tell them why you're not doing it, you can say that I don't want to do that, that's not something that I'm interested in doing. And what they gonna say like real shit though, because you know, as someone who is you know, still working through like people pleasing, like the fear of abandonment and abandonment trauma is a real thing.

It's real and I live it daily, right, But I'm telling you, baby, when you get to the point where you can just say no, I don't want to do that, it's like in your mind you hear It's almost like you hear this like I did it, and it's okay to do it. And if somebody is going to leave you or walk away from you or treat you bad because you don't want to do something, like are they really for you? Like in real life? Are they really for you? If theyre going to walk away because you

choose not to do something. Come on now, next thing, surround yourself with a nourishing network of support. Listen, look at your village, of current people and ask yourself these questions about them. Are they encouraging me? Are they supportive of me? Are they helpful? Or are they emotionally draining

the fuck out of me? Where do I need to go to find people that I can connect with, that can provide me with the healthy emotional validation that I need because, as I said before, with the abandonment trauma and practicing saying no, listen, if being around y'all ain't working out for me, if when I tell you no, or I'm afraid to tell you no, or if me telling you no causes too much of a riff, I'm gonna go somewhere else where. It ain't this hard. I'm

gonna go somewhere else where it ain't this stressful. And sometimes you got to do that. If you read my show notes every week. In the show notes, there's a quote that says, go where you are loved, not where you are tolerated. Get out of there, which brings me to my next point. Detach from invalidating people. I said it last week, detachment is a key element in freedom. I didn't say that exactly. I said detachment is key. I'm adding that this week. Detachment and learning to detach

from things, from feelings, from people. Detachment is key in finding your freedom or getting to freedom, So you need to detach from people who invalidate you. When you find yourself seek in validation constantly from other people, stop and ask yourself if the person you're seeking validation from is a safe person who nourishes you, who nurtures you, who nourishes and nurtures your emotions and your spirit, or do they take advantage of you during times when you are

your most vulnerable. Look at whether or not they have violated your boundaries in the past, and if they have, you need to connect with someone who is more supportive instead, or talk to a therapist, or take some time out alone for your self care, or do all three. How about that do all of them. Instead of seeking validation from other people, consider slowing down for a minute and just asking yourself what you need because really, you know,

I've said this many times before. If you go back and listen to as Carla said, go back and listen to the catalog, you'll understand it's all about you. It's about what you need you first, because if you ain't right, how the hell you're going to be right for anybody else. So slow down and ask yourself what you need and find some more healthy, sustainable ways to provide yourself with the validation that you need. Stop looking for other people

to do it. They'll owe you nothing. Only person that is word I owe you something is you and all in all, friends and ken. What I'm trying to say is the point that I'm making is that external validation may be desired in the moment for some instant gratification or to give you a quick ego boost if you feel you need that, but self validation, in building your own self worth and sense of value up is key to cultivating and maintaining healthy self esteem long term. It's

not a temporary thing. It's not a shot of dopamine. This is long term joy, long term peace, long term happiness, and we need to be on that train. That's what we need to be looking for. Boom ma'am oh By the most important thing that we need to remember is that how you feel about you is going to teach other people how to treat you. How you treat you

is teaching the world how to treat you. So if we are not taking the time out to love ourselves and treat ourselves with grace, kindness, and to be gentle with ourselves. We can't expect for anyone else to do so either. We need to foster healthy connections and a healthy view of ourselves because that's the only way to create long lasting positive feelings of self worth, to have a healthy view of your own value, because seeking outside of you, looking outside of ourselves is not going to

fix our broken spaces. Trust me, Been there, done that, got a T shirt, got bleach on it, through it in the trash. If you are unsure by where to start, you know, I'm going to always have a link in the show notes to help guide you to where you can find a therapist in your area. So go on ahead and get hit them. Show notes up. Going to the show notes, because that's where that's where where it's at.

We're gonna go to the show notes. You're gonna scroll down to where you see Mimi's jam in this case, Mimi's Jam number fifty six for this episode, and then under it a couple links. You gonna see a link where it tells you to find yourself a therapist. Click that link, put in your zip code, find yourself a therapist, and no psychology today. Ain't paying me to say none of this. I don't have no ads based on psychology today. They not giving me no checks. But I want us

to heal. I don't even it. Ain't even about a check. I want black folks to get it together. I want all folks to get it together. If you want me to be honest, because shit, I'm gonna be sorry. If everybody get it together, maybe people will leave us the fuck alone. But we gotta get it together, Black folks, Okay, please do it for your ancestors and do it for yourself.

Do it for the people that's coming after us. I love y'all, so friends and kN I'm gonna go ahead and get into the straight fast question because it's hot, it's kid and hid in here.

on him while having sex. Well really, so, I don't you know, there's only one answer for this for me in my mind, and the answer is for me, the answer is no, you shouldn't be worried because he's asking you to use it on him while you're having sex. So why would you be worried if he wants you to use it on him and not somebody else, So that should take your worry away. Say what you want to say, Hilary, you know, say it with your chest because we all know what you're trying to say, because

we're smart here. And the answer to that question that the question that you won't directly ask is I don't know should you be worried? Does it make you uncomfortable? Because I can't answer that. If it makes you uncomfortable, then it makes you uncomfortable. In my mind, if it doesn't, because there are people who that kind of stuff doesn't it doesn't make them uncomfortable, And if it doesn't make

them uncomfortable, then well it doesn't make them uncomfortable. Nobody should answer this question and say yes you should be worried, or know you shouldn't be worried, because the truth of the matter is that if you're worried, then you're worried, and if you're not worried, then you're not worried. But I can't answer that for you, Like I ain't that kind.

I ain't about to be like girl, you should be concerned because because what goes on in my bedroom is not going to be what goes on in your bedroom. How I process information may not be the same way you process information and feelings and everybody the same way. I think mental health is a spectrum. I think that sexuality is a spectrum. And let's just be honest physiologically, the man's pleasure button, like it's in his butt, Like what the fuck? Like, let's just keep it a butt

his What was the sound? I mean, dang, I can't even remember b B B bride bright, I don't remember what it was. I either way, I just feel like now it's a great time to do this. But like his pleasure button that you know, one of them, because we're humans and we're made up of all kinds of things. Like it's in his anus, it's it's up there. So if he wants you to use it on him, maybe

that makes it. Maybe that feels good to him. And the truth of the matter is that most men won't ask you to do it because they think that that makes them gay. If you say you know, if you say that, but that's something you know, that's their business. They got to figure that out. But if you're not uncomfortable, then don't be uncomfortable. And if you're worried about people judging him, here's a tip. Don't tell people what you do in your bedroom. Sis. That's part of y'all problem.

Y'all talk too much about your personal business. Don't tell people. And know that doesn't mean that I use a dialdo on men when I have sex, or that men I've dated men, or I've had sex with men who've asked me. That's not what I'm saying. What I'm saying is is strictly that if you want to do it, or if you're not uncomfortable with it, then do it. If you are uncomfortable, then don't do it. But at least he asks you. At least he didn't go ask somebody else

to do it. So that just goes to show for me that he feels a sense of comfort with you and he doesn't mind, you know, being vulnerable with you. If you want to do it? Do a girl, do it, knock yourself out, have fun, and I hope he likes it. Shoot, if he likes it, I hope you like it too, though, because don't nobody want to be doing nothing in the bedroom and one person like it and the other one don't. That is never fun ever gone Girl, Live your best

life by Friends in King. The text for today's we Got to Do Better segment is from a book that I purchased a few years ago at a pop up shop at KSM Candle Company here in Baltimore. Shout out to KSM Candle Company and My Girl Letter. So I got the book because the title caught my attention And the title of the book is the Book of Tiny Prayers, and it's really a journal with amazing quotes and writing prompts,

and it's written by a sister from DC. Her name is Reagan Gabrielle Mathis, and I referenced this book before on the show, maybe more than once, because it's so damn good. I ended up eventually meeting Reagan one day in KSM Candle Company after a few Instagram interactions. She came in and I happened to be there and her Ara really radiated power and positivity and understanding, and she

actually ended up being a guest on the show. I want to say it was the show that was the wrap up for season one of Handing My Purse, which might be episode number seventeen or eighteen. It might be episode eighteen. And it was really great having her be a part of such a pivotal moment for me and for this show, when I closed the first phase or the first leg of this journey for me and the

first leg of the journey for Handing My Purse. It was really awesome to have her on, to have someone on who I referenced their work and then they were able to be a guest on the show. And she says such beautiful things about the show and about the work that I'm doing, and I really appreciated that. And it's amazing how, you know, God allows things to unfold for us when we just trust God's process. Oh, let me tell you how good this book is. I paint, and when I paint, it is a part of like

it's a mental health cope and strategy for me. When I'm really feeling out of whack or imbalance, I will pull out my paint brushes and my paint. I will lay my top down and I will get to work. I have like three or four unfinished pieces pieces, excuse me. And my apartment is kitted out with like five pieces that I've painted. I've given my cousin Christian like three or four pieces. My cousin Lindsay has a piece. My cousin Daryl has a piece. I can't. I have two

pieces in KSM Candle Company. Shout out to KSM Candle Company in Baltimore City. My friend Schanise has a piece up in her house. Like I paint and sometimes people like it right, but I really just paint to get it out. It's like I'm getting something out and off

of me. This book is so good that because Reagan is also a mixed media artist and she has up on her Instagram like ways that she has like decorated her journal, and so I was inspired by that, and I took some pages from the book The Book of Tiny Prayers and used them in a mixed media piece for myself and I have it up in my bedroom and it's a really important piece to me. So I'm just telling you that to tell you that it's really

like it's a beautiful piece of work. The sad part, friends in Ken, is that I'm pretty sure the book is sold out and out of print, and it has been for a while. Oh man. But this is why it's important to get things when you see them if they speak to your spirit. And that's what I did. You got to get stuff when you see it because you never know when you won't see it again. Maybe if you send her a message or something, maybe maybe

the book will come back. Pray. Why don't you say a little tiny prayer, maybe the book will come back. I'm going to link in the show notes the link to the book, just so that you could see it. However, it's definitely sold out, friends and kN so stop playing with time. Things won't always be there. And that is a lesson for me as i'm talking to you about that. But let's go on to the text. This excerpt is

called the Good Steward. It says, once I found more of myself, once I found my passion, I was less lonely. Once I found out what I loved, there was less time for longing. Fill yourself with the good, nourish yourself, take care of you, be good to yourself, be kind and loving to yourself. A good steward takes care of all that God has given us, beginning with ourselves. If that ain't all types of beautiful men, I don't know

what the hell is that was beautiful man? I might go ask her, girl, can you bring this book back? Because more people need it? It's so good? All right, I'm sorry, I'm stop rubbing it in forens again. The first thing that I want to do is say thank you to God, because God is supreme and I recognize and appreciate the grace, the mercy, the empathy, the understanding that God extends my way every single day and my

black ass life. I want to say thank you to my folk, to my people, the people, my tribe, my village, the people who have been rocking with me ever since day one, since March the first of twenty twenty listening. Thank you. I appreciate you. You are in my heart. I appreciate you guys for being here. And if you just started listening today, or if you just started listening on June thirteenth when I launched on iHeart, I thank you for that as well. I'm happy for you to

be here. I'm so grateful. Either way, I'm just glad that you're here now, even if you just started listening today. I'm glad. I'm grateful. I'm thankful for my family. I'm thankful for my friends, my friends and ken, all my supporters, and of course, most importantly, every single one of you

guys out there listening right now. I love each of you so much, and it's nothing short of an honor for me to share my time and my energy with you, especially if you keep coming back to spend time with me, and I'll look forward to the next time that we get to do this with one another. Now, before you exit out of whatever streaming service you're using, the listen to this podcast, stop what you're doing, and if you haven't already done so, look for the subscribe or follow button.

Click on it if it's an option for you on the streaming service where you're listening. Next, head on over to Instagram and follow me at Handy My Purse Underscore Podcast. Also follow me on Twitter at HMMP Underscore podcast, and on Facebook just search hand Me my Purse podcast. And now there's a new thing. It's called threads, and it's basically Instagram's Twitter. If you go over to Instagram and follow me and hand me my purse. You'll see a

little number and my profile. Click on that, it'll take you to my threads profile. Follow me there due because who doesn't want to hear my random streams of consciousness? And if you listen on the streaming service or medium that will allows you to do so. Please don't make me beg y'all. Okay, but I ain't too proud to beg. Okay, please take two minutes out to rate and review the show or give your thumbs up if you've got some time.

And I know you got two minutes because you go to the bathroom, take your phone in the bathroom and review my show. Okay, go let you listen to it. And I know you listening, and you listening all over the world. I implore you. Matter of fact, I'm gonna implore all the people who listen in Canada go review my show please, and you listen in Canada, because I see it. I'm gonna give a shout out to Canada today. Today. The shout out is for Canada. Where are we at?

Where are we at? Shout out to my listeners in Canada today, All of my Canadian friends in can go over to Apple Podcasts or stitch here if you listen there, and leave me a review. If you're not listening on Apple Podcasts or Stitcher, go to answer AMSWERDAMMP. Go over to Instagram and leave me a comment about how much you like the show. If you don't want to be public, send me a DM. I want some feedback. I want to hear what you got to say, unless you're gonna

say something mean, because I don't have time for that. Okay, moving forward, Friends and Kim, be sure to share hanm Me My Purse with your friends, your loved ones, and even your enemies. Because the best way for people to find out about the show is by you guys telling them all about it. So tell a friend boom to

tele a friend boom to tell a friend. I want you to submit your questions for the straight Fact segment to Hello at Hanmymipurse dot com with the subject line straight Facts, or feel free to send me a DM on Instagram or Twitter. Who knows your question may be featured on an upcoming show. Recently, I put a link or a button. There's a link in my what am I saying? There's a link in my Instagram profile? And it'll take you to where you can see where you

can listen. And in those buttons or links, there should be a button for you to submit a question to stray facts. Submit a question, go on to the profile, click on the link and go on down and find it. Submit a question and your question could be the very next question featured on an upcoming show. Also, I want you to remember that show notes are always available in

the episode description. Also, be sure to take a look at the show notes because that's where I put all of the links and all the other information that I mentioned during the show that you might want to check out, in addition to some stuff that I just want to share with you. Also, just so you know, the music that you hear on Handing my Purse has been created by none other than West Baltimore's own Gloomy Tunes Friends. Again,

I want you to know one thing. I look forward to you looking forward to listening to Handing my Purse the podcast each and every Tuesday, and I'm off this bitch. Peace. Hand Me my Purse is a production of iHeart Podcasts. For more shows from iHeart Podcasts, visit the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you listen to your favorite shows,