Hey, this is Chris with Hacking your Leadership. On today's discussion on employee engagement. I want to talk about a video that I saw between Adam Grant and Malcolm Gladwell.
They were on stage talking about what it means to apologize when you've done something wrong, and the conversation was, you know, kind of took an interesting turn because, you know, Gladwell says that he thinks it's important to apologize when you've done something wrong, and Adam Grant responds back with, there's it matters why an apology is needed first, before you can just assume that apologizing is always the right thing to do, or that you know that the that
is interpreted the same way. And he said that apologizing for a failure of competence tends to go over well because you can always become more competent in something by learning more or you know, training more, whatever it takes. But apologies for a failure of character tend to not go over as well because people don't necessarily believe that
your character can change. And I like this a lot because if you if you think about, you know, the examples he gives are, it's it's hard to say I apologize for having a lack of integrity, or I apologize for not caring about you, you know, things like that.
If you if you look at you know how that works in in you know, kind of a you know, cultural zeitgeist right now, if you think about when when you know, a famous person gets in trouble for doing something, if the general public believes that why they did that thing is rooted in their character and not in you know, their lack of knowledge on something or their lack of ability to do something, then apologizing for it tends to
make it worse. It tends to you know, prolong the amount of time that information is is talked about as opposed to you know, having it just go away. And so then there's some truth to this. But I think it it matters because the last thing that Adam Grant says in this video is that the best apology is a change in behavior. And I think that's one hundred percent true. But can it always happen that way?
I think it's a great question. And I think as you were talking about apologies, I was thinking about like all the wrong ways to apologize right right, Like, I'm Chris, I'm so sorry that you were unable to comprehend the work that I was doing right that it made me laugh because I think that there's a lot of times when you know what, as people, we just don't want to apologize, and there's times when we felt that we've
done nothing wrong, and maybe we've done nothing wrong. I think where this becomes something that is a great topic to talk about is that when you raise your hand to say I want the responsibility of leading people, sometimes you have to apologize even when you feel like you shouldn't apologize. And that's where it could be something where, to your point, an apology can actually not be helpful
at all. It's one of those things where you have to be really conscious of when you've made a mistake or when you may have done something, you have to own it and you should absolutely apologize. I think there are instances that you spoke about where you know, there's a lot of times when people will make a mistake and I've done this where somebody will do something and I'm just like okay, and I was like, all right, so that's not how we would want to do that.
Or let's let's let me walk you through the appropriate approach to that conversation. Or the way that we would go about doing you know that that process it's something like okay, okay, I'm so sorry. I'm like, well, don't apologize. I'll tell people like you do. You don't have to apologize for not knowing, right right, like like like that's
that's a different thing. Like like I get that maybe this isn't reflective of what you wanted to happen, or that you feel a sense of ownership and responsibility here. I get all of that, But you don't need to
apologize for not knowing. That's where as a leader, like, look, clearly I should apologize because it had you not had the proper training or had you not been given the opportunities to know these things, Like we clearly miss something here, right, So if there's apology to be owed, it's from me as the leader. Right Like again, like there's there's a lot to unpack and to have dialogue in there. But I love just the idea of understanding that you know,
I don't know. I was just having this conversation with somebody the other day that it literally it hits really close to home where I was saying that like enough words enough talking about it, enough enough enough either apologizing or explaining your process or how you want somebody to feel. Just change the behavior. Just just go do the thing, like go role model what you want, allow them to
feel how they're going to feel. And if you're doing the behaviors with intention and with authenticity, and you're doing your best to make the changes, they will recognize those changes.
Right.
Like it's it's such a such an important thing to understand how behavior, at the end of the day is the ultimate way to show somebody that you have heard them and that you are doing something based upon either mistakes that you've made or feedback you've been given.
I think you're spot on with that. It's easier said than done, though, So what I want to do is I want to go over some of the ways that you can do this in the right way so that they're not disingenuous and they come off as authentic because they are authentic, and that it leads to a change in the relationship and not just a rolling of the eyes. But first, I want to get up toward from our sponsors. All Right, As Adam Grant says, the best apology is
a change in behavior. So it's important to recognize two things one that a change in behavior doesn't mean that the words aren't important to so an apology of verbal apology is still appropriate in situations where behavioral change is needed. It just needs to be followed up with with the behavioral change, and so the words themselves. The only way to make it a genuine apology is to own it. And so there is a difference between I'm sorry you felt this way and I'm sorry I made you feel
this way. I think the reason a lot of people want to go with the verbal apology not the change in behavior is that it feels more, you know, final and immediate. People are always looking for a quick fix to things, whereas a behavioral change isn't something that you get through over, you know, right away. It takes time.
And so if you feel like you've wronged somebody and that needs to change, we don't want to wait for the weeks or months that it takes for that person to see a behavioral change, hoping they get over it, or hoping that they're not ruminating in, you know, negative thoughts about you. You want to go through life without people having negative thoughts about you. So that's why the
words are important. Also, so you start with the words, and you make sure that part of the verbal apology includes something to the effect of trust me, you will see a change in the behavior related to this, and I want you to watch for it, and I want you to hold me accountable. Those those need to be included in an apology because you're asking for that person to notice that you have that you truly mean the apology,
because the actions are backing it up. And then you have to go through the behavioral change to make that happen. And that will work really well because the person will be watching. You'll feel like you got through it in the moment. But as long as you realize that you've made a promise and now you have to hold to it, then things will be fine. If you decide that it's just about the change in behavior and you don't need the verbal apology, that won't go well because they won't
be looking for the positive behavioral change. They'll only be looking for things to support the thing they already think about you, not the things that show that you're a changed person. But if you tell them you're sorry and you say things are going to change, then every interaction that they have with you or that they see you have will be rooted in this idea of Okay, does this align with the words this person said to me?
Does this align with their claim that the behavior will change and if you do it the right way and you have both in place, that change in behavior will lead to a developing or a cultivating a positive relationship. Yeah.
I think it's great advice. And I also think it's important too. It's like, you know, sometimes yeah, we just we make a mistake, sometimes make the wrong call. Sometimes there is those elements where it's like, you know, I, you know, hey, I made this decision, I made this you know call, or I had this conversation with someone that that led to, uh, you know, some action that was taken it and didn't loop you in right, Like hey, hey, you know, like we need to own those things like that.
That's I think where the apology around competence matters a lot, you know, And I can say, like, hey, a Chris, I just want to start by saying, hey, my bad, I apologize, man. You know what I'm saying like, there was no intention to cut you out of that decision or to make it seem like we were working around you on this one. I made a call, we had
a conversation, we took some action on it. It completely like I it just you know, I I I had intention to let you know, and I totally forgot to make that call and to send you that text, Messa, I caught up with something else. But like I own that. I'll make sure in the future like it doesn't happen again, you know, like like we have to own those mistakes, and we have to do it quickly, and we have to do it with with authenticity, and we have to
make sure that we clarify again. I think I think there's an important element when you apologize for someone, when you can say what you did and then to your point earlier, like what you're going to do going forward, here is the behavioral change, because I think what it also says is like, hey, Chris, I want you to hold me accountable for having this behavior, Like I'm putting myself out there to say, hey, I apologize for doing this, and going forward, this is what I will do to
not have that happen again, because it adds an element of personal accountability to the person that you're apologizing to and ownership of knowing that both you owe them an apology and you are very clear about what needs to change to make sure it doesn't happen again. You know, sometimes say hey, sorry about that. I'll you know, I'm
sure it won't happen again. Like that doesn't doesn't make me feel confident, doesn't make me feel like you've thought about how this won't happen again in the future type of thing. So I think that those things are important when you have the conversation.
Yeah, I agree. I also think it's important to know from introspection and kind of kind of from a looking at yourself from the mirror self awareness standpoint, it's important to know exactly why you did something, because otherwise I think people can have the tendency to apologize in a way that comes off as disingenuous, because sometimes the person who you wronged thinks your motivation was one thing when it was something else, and you have to be very
careful not to validate that thought. You need to be very careful to make sure that they understand what the actual motivation was. And so to give your exact examples about not looping somebody in and making a decision, you know, you got to be very careful not to say something like, honestly, I apologize I didn't think to loop you in, because you're apologizing for not having the action. But what you've
said is you weren't a thought in this process. I didn't think about you in this process, and I went ahead and made the decision. And so in the future, I'll loop you in, not because I think it's important, but because it's important to you. And so that's not the same thing in all honesty, when you made the decision, it probably wasn't that you didn't think to loop them in. You probably thought it was important to loop them in, and it was a it slipped your mind to follow
through with it. Oh, I made the decision I need to make sure loop this person in, and then I got distracted and forgot to send the email and didn't remember it till the next day. You know, whatever it was, be honest about what happened, even if there's detail and nuance and it's a story, because that that changes the way people view what your failure was rooted in, and it's important that they know that it was a failure
of competence and not a failure of character. Thank you all for joining us on this episode on employee engagement. We'll see you next week for the next one. You have a great day,