Engagement Exchange: Excuses vs Explanations

this is rooted in a couple of things. One, we had a listener reach out asking about the conversation we had a few weeks ago on the video you know debate between Adam Grant and Malcolm Gladwell where they were talking about how an apology for something that is rooted in a failure of performance tends to go over well.

Because people view a failure of performance as correctable. You know, you get better over time, things are less likely to happen again, whereas a failure of character is less likely to have an accepted apology because people don't necessarily believe that you can change your character over a short period of time, especially if you're already an adult and you know,

have an established track record of whatever it is. And I had an interaction with a person where they interpreted something incorrectly and the decision that I made in the in the moment, or what I did was the right thing to do, and so when they interpreted it incorrectly, my knee jerk was to explain why something happened. And I thought I was doing the right thing at the

time by saying this is why it happened. But because the person who this impacted viewed this this decision with a kind of a level of emotion and not just a kind of a factual, it wasn't a very black and white decision. It was something that impacted them. There was a failure on my part to understand how they were interpreting it, and so my explanation as to why something happened came off as an excuse. And I since

rectified this. We've we've talked about this and kind of hashed it out, but it made me think very critically about what the responsibility is of a leader in these moments, and and how as a leader you can navigate these situations where you have to give an explanation for why something happened, because if you don't, then people will tell

their own story. They'll tell that they'll they'll they'll they'll tell themselves why something happened, and if it's not true, then it can be viewed as either a failure of character or or or something totally unrelated. So you have

to give the explanation. But if if the person is interpreting this kind of from an emotional standpoint or if it impacts them personally, it's not necessarily enough to just explain why something happened if you want to make sure that the relationship stays strong between you and the employee. And so it's a it's a kind of a gray area when it comes to leadership, but I think is important to talk about because a lot of leaders fall into the same trap.

Like that's actually how we learn. You know, we have that conversation and we either over explain and then it comes off like an like it's an excuse or we under explained, and then there's this miscommunication because you know, against people create their own narratives without the information, the type of thing, and then you have to find kind of that middle ground area that makes sense where you can be open and honest and own the things that have happened, and you know, when you make a mistake,

you know, providing enough of the information to explain what got you there. That's kind of what I've learned over time, and I'll never forget it. And I think I've shared in the podcast many years ago. But having a leader that I had, I was an assistant manager, they were kind of a team leader. There was this you know, customer situation that happened with the customer got upsets and you know kind of directed some of that to this leader and then you know she wanted them to leave

the store and not be helped. And I kind of walked into this whole situation and had to figure out very quickly without all the information, like what do I need to do here, and made the decision to say, Okay, we need to take care of this customer. We need to figure out what's going on with this customer because the error in the issue was caused by us, so like we had to own it, right And I had to make that decision in the moment because we had

to own it. I then had, you know, a lead that was very upset with me because it was feeling like I didn't support her, I didn't take her side. The customer was room fod you know, didn't didn't physically threaten do anything like that at all. It was just mad and was swearing and that type of thing. But like, regardless,

there was a conversation that we need to have. And in that conversation, you know, that's kind of when I learned of like if I if I sit here and try to explain everything that I did and why I did it, it sounds like I'm giving an excuse, right, And what I really need to do is say, like, hey, like first and foremost, like I never want to put you in a situation where you feel that way about my leadership, where like I you know that you think I'm not supporting you, that you think that I'm not

listening to you. I heard, so like, I apologize if you felt that way, because that was never my intention, right, and like that's not what I was looking to do here. But let's let's talk through this, and like let me, can I share with you what I walked into and then can I share with you, like why I considered making the decision that I that I made, and then I want to hear from you on you know how that felt, what they look like, so that we can

find a better place there. But you know, it just took a lot of dialogue, conversation and willingness to approach the convo with number one just owning it in the number two giving the time and space to explain, you know, how I got to where.

And the if the only options are to do the wrong thing because it will come off the right way, then that isn't necessarily a good choice for earlier also, And so I want to go over some of the things that leaders can do to make sure that you're not having to choose between doing the right or the wrong thing, Like if you know what the right thing to do here is, but you also want to make sure that you're maintaining the relationships with your people and

that it comes off and is interpreted the right way. They're both important and they both can be done. So I want to go over what you can do to make sure that happens. But first I want to give

up towards for one of our sponsors. All Right, if you're a leader of people and you have to make tough decisions, and the decisions that you're making will impact somebody positively and then also by definition somebody negatively, meaning we've talked about for a long time, there's no way to say yes as a leader without also saying no. You're saying yes to one thing, you're saying no to something else by definition, because you have a finite amount

of time and resources, and in any conflict, you're going to be essentially taking a side. And so as a leader, it's important that when you're explaining to a person why a decision was made, that you own the decision and if there is a problem with how it's interpreted, even if you wouldn't have changed the decision or what happened or you couldn't, that it starts with ownership of it and an apology, not an apology for what you did, necessarily unless it is needed if you did something wrong,

but an apology for how that pacted the person. Even if the decision was the right thing and you wouldn't have done it any differently, and so owning it and not owning it at the end of the conversation or in the middle of the conversation, but at the very beginning. And so it's not hey, let me explain to you this is how I did, because that comes off as

defensive or like you're trying to give an excuse. But starting from the standpoint of first, let's talk about I understand, I completely understand how you feel right now, and I apologize for making you feel that way. I did not mean to make you feel that way, and I would never intentionally do that. I owned the decision and it was my call, and so it's nothing that you did.

Do you have a moment so we can talk about why this happened the way it did and how we can try to make sure it doesn't happen again in the future. Because even if as a leader it wasn't a failure from a decision making process, maybe it was a failure in your or steps to partner with a person prior to making the decision, or to make sure that they were aligned with you in the decision, or to get their buy in on the decision so that it could be a collaborative decision instead of one that

you arbitrarily made as a leader by yourself. You know, there are things you can do to make sure that you are simultaneously making the right decision and doing right by your people and not hurting them in any way. But when you make those mistakes, just because the decision wasn't a mistake doesn't mean the steps you took prior

to making the decision warn't warn't a mistake. And if a person is feeling that way, if they're feeling negatively about it, then I promise you, by definition you made a mistake as a leader, they shouldn't feel that way, and so don't necessarily interpret it as you should have made a different decision, but you should have done other things in advance or other steps prior to going about that decision making process, and so having an explanation for

why something happened very important. It's important not to not to try to come up with an excuse, but an explanation can be interpreted as an excuse if you don't start with the empathy and the ownership of that person's feelings and how they interpreted it, and why you made that decision or or the ownership of that decision and

how it happened. So both are important, but it needs to start with that apology and that ownership because otherwise the explanation either A won't be heard or B will be interpreted as an excuse.

you apologize, how do you own mistakes? What's the language that you use, how do you how do you make sure that walking away from a conversation like that, you know, you feel good about what you've shared, what you've owned, and what you're going to do differently, and the person feels seen and heard in and you know, uh, feels good about the convo again, like when when those conversations happen, there's not an expectation that you'll immediately walk out and

everything is fine again, and everything is good. Like as always with all relationships, it's based on interactions. It's back and forth. It's how much you put in, it's how

you deal with those things. But over time, if your approach is authentic and your approach is consistent, uh, then people know that it's okay that that there there will be stakes that will be made that you, as a leader will own them that there'll be an opportunity to talk through it, and they become less and less personal and they and they have less and less of an impact on the overall relationship over time.

it's not needed. It is need. An explanation is needed. It just has to come secondarily to the ownership of it and the apology. Even if the apology wasn't for the decision, but the apology is for how it made the person feel. And your acknowledgment that it definitely wasn't intentional. You did not mean to make the person feel that way, but you understand why they did because just saying I didn't mean to make you feel that way doesn't absolve

you of making them feel that way. It has to be I didn't mean to make you feel that way, but I understand how, like, why this decision made you feel this way, or why this mistake made you feel this way because I didn't partner with you in advance, or I didn't you know, take you as a partner, or collaborate with you, or you know, make sure that we were both on board with it before decision had

to be made. And quite honestly, at the end of the day, if you're a leader and you can't get buy in from that person but it's the right thing to do, it's still the right thing to do. You still have to make that right decision as a leader, but going through the process of walking through that that decision making process with the person prior to being made, you're more likely to get the right outcome, number one.

But number two, if you don't get that right outcome, if the person is not bought into it, then it's a very different conversation where you can talk about how, hey, you know, my responsibility as a leader is to do these things, and I don't believe it was the wrong decision, but I want to make sure that you that were good in our relationship, and if there's something that I could have done differently, knowing that this decision had to be made this way, I would love your feedback what

could I have done differently? That it doesn't involve changing the decision that was made, because I believe this was the right decision based on and root it in values, your values, the company's values, the company's objectives, whatever those are, not just in this kind of subjective this is what I felt was right in the time, because they have what they feel is right at the time, and if it's just your opinion versus theirs, you're never going to

convince them that what you did was the right thing to do. Root it in values, root it in objectives and standards, something that is separate from your subjective opinion as a leader, and you're you're far more likely to at least get them to understand that it couldn't have gone any differently, but that they have a voice in the in the process going forward, and that you'll do better to partner with them and to make sure that they're involved. Thank you for joining us on this discussion

on employee engagement. Make sure that you are owning these things. Make sure that you're apologizing when needed, even if the decision wasn't one that you would have made any differently. You have a great day.