¶ Intro / Opening
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I know, I know, I know. I
Hey! Hey!
I would feel the same way if I were you. Good evening, everyone.
¶ Eric Swalwell's Resignation And Misconduct
So on Tuesday, California Congressman Eric Swalwell resigned from Congress.
Thank you.
Surprise actually. As a result, Chinese flags were flown at half mast. It's true the ex-congressman resigned after five women accused him of sexual misconduct, or as Bill Clinton calls it, gay. Just a heads up, if you see Swalwell with red, watery eyes, it's not because he's been crying about his resignation. It's because he's been sprayed with mace. But you can tell Eric is totally stressed out. Earlier today, for instance, he tried to have sex with a woman who was actually conscious.
Swalwell vows, however, that he'll fight the most serious charges, saying it's a classic case of he said, she said, she said, she said, she said, and she said. The Congressman is also being investigated for paying an illegal Brazilian nanny under the table with campaign funds. I know. When he heard about this Bill Clinton asked is she still under the table?
And add insult to injury, Swalwell has also been evicted from his friend's mansion, so he's now homeless and unemployed, making him relatable to most Californians. Former House Speaker Nancy Pelosi said she was unaware of Swalwell's reputation. Still people are wondering, how did Nancy know to short her stock and chloroform? And finally, according to multiple reports, Eric Swalwell also sent pictures of his genitals to women.
Although these photos were unsolicited, when one man heard about it, he said, send him my number.
Thank you.
Just getting started.
We'll be back with more Gutfeld.
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¶ Democrats' Complicity And Swalwell's Character
So Gavin Newsom set a date for a special election to replace Eric Swalwell, who resigned from Congress on Tuesday, after multiple women accused him of sexual misconduct and rape.
But Gavin.
Talk about the blind leading the blind. I mean one is a creepy dude you'd never leave your wife or daughter alone with and the other is Eric Swalwell. But my heart goes out to Swalwell's future cellmate. Imagine getting stuck in a six by eight room with that windbreaker. You'd be beg you'd be begging for the actual gas chamber.
But the thing about Swanwell, he was hiding in plain sight.'Cause if you ever met him at a party you'd run screaming. He was loud, arrogant, even smelling, an assault on all our senses. But just like the old saying, the stinky wheel gets the grease, and Swalwell's endless self promotion gained him national attention.
Still, how is he able to last this long? He's no evil mastermind possessing neither the strategic qualities of a Pelosi or the sociopathic charm of Gavin, or even the well manicured stubble of Rashida Talib.
Yeah.
At his core, he's a buffoon. And yet he made it this far. Why is that? Seriously, after the spy scandal, he should have been sent to Sing Sing after playing Bang Bang with Fang Fang.
Thank you.
You're telling me that the Dems couldn't find anyone better out of eight billion people? What was Bill Cosby busy? But the fact is the Dems are willing to accept anything as long as it provides a service. And what was Eric? He was a low level henchman, told what to say no matter how absurd, and he would. But like all hired goons that can't even bench press their body weight, they're cut loose the second they're in the way. Everyone tolerates him for now'cause he'll do anything for the syndicate.
If only he'd kept to his own little patch of turf, though, okay with his grubby status, they probably would have left him alone and kept looking the other way. But once he wanted more, off he went. Remember, he ran for president and his feeble campaign made Jeb Bush look like Alexander the Great. Remember when he told us he would be bold without the bull?
But I will always be real with you. I will be bold without the bold.
Ha ha ha ha ha!
I will be bold without the bull. How many times did he practice that in front of a mirror? And his idea of bold would probably get most men a kick in the neck. But we know this type, the kind who grandstands for women as a cloak to abuse them and then projects his own sins onto others.
My Republican colleagues do not trust women. You don't trust women. Do you all ever talk to women? They deserve better. Trust women, my friends. Trust women.
Oh we will We will. It's like watching Ted Bundy in a Ted Bundy in a commercial for an all-girls college. He's the classic male feminist who rattles off the popular of positions while moving into position to grab a tit.
¶ The Political Machine Discards A Useful Idiot
It's a progressive pig pass. Any man claiming to be the great liberal defender of women does it to cover up his creepiness. From Ted Kennedy to Harvey Weinstein to Swalwell, it's like a Hall of Fame. But the plaques are restraining orders. Swalwell offered an extra layer of desperation though. Remember when he challenged me to a weightlifting contest? That was something. Come on. The guy struggles to lift anything he hasn't roofied yet.
No wonder he went on Kimmel to announce his campaign for governor, the farter and the crybaby. I hope they gave the audience protective gear with all those bodily emissions in the air. But since then, Kimmel has said nothing. Same with De Niro. Sean Penn, John Hamm, John Cryer, all gave to his campaign. Hell Kathy Griffin gave him ten grand. Money that should have been spent on a new fit.
So what's all this tell you? They knew, they all knew. Swalwell was everything the Dems claimed they despised, an arrogant, selfish white male who used his status to abuse women. But he checked the right boxes, said the right things, attacked the right people. But sadly he got in the way. And when the Dems needed to clear the field, the machine kicked into action. So if anyone deserved the nickname Useful Idiot, it's him. Problem for Eric was his usefulness ran out way before his idiocy.
Great ending.
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