This is growth in progress. The podcast we have unfiltered with conversations about early adulthood and all the things you're thinking about, but might not be conversations about. Each week you'll be joined by me, Charlotte, or me, Hell, if you're a millennial or maybe an older gen z and you wanna honest and helpful conversations about wellness, self development, latest trends and all of the other pressures of life brings then you're in the right place.
In this week's episode, we are gonna be catching up and sharing some recommendations, including a podcast has literally got to me through this week. And then we are gonna be talking about performative friendships. What are they? Is it even a problem? And how do you deal with
it? But before we dive in, if you like this or any of the other growth in progress content, then make sure that you hit follow, and if you'd like to support us more then our Patreon and news newsletter subscription are down in the show notes for you. I love a best sitting here with our mushroom coffees from free cell, not sponsored, but we would totally takes sponsorship of resale because most the things we are from them. On a saturday warning in our pajamas.
We've had a full debrief of the Olympic opening, Ceremony, and life in general. I'm feeling good. How are you feeling? We we literally... We we hopped on here at 7AM. It's almost 10. We've spent 3 hours debrief, And I'd say, not even a third of been the podcast. This is the thing We're, like, woke up really early, then he's crack on with our days. Never happens. Doesn't that lovely that we have that sort of friendship. It has just depends to me what the mushroom coffee tastes like.
Anyone who's curious who hasn't had, like, mushroom coffee, lion's, mane, anything like that. We both decided to get into it because we drink o'clock coffee. It tastes like a dirty try. You like a dirty try, so a chai with a shot of espresso in it. But you'll love this. I think it... And this is just the freeze sole 1. I've actually... I've not tried any other mushroom coffee. But I think it tastes really christmas y, like, kind of cl Yeah. Not over hour... As soon as they've got hung on my
words out. Because if it was too sweet, I wouldn't like it and I really like it. I think it's just slightly festive. Also, I am drinking it in a Christmas mug has ginger bread men wearing. Than hats. I love that. I love that these It's great size mark. It is a great size. I wish they is in great Christmas versions. Yeah. I've used that mug when I've been at yours. Is a cracking. It's a great size. That's why I think it has a dirty try though. Because it's got that, like, warm spiciness.
But it... Yeah. Sweet. It's like sweet because it's got cinnamon in it, not because it's sugary. Yeah. We'll even. Finish I know. Yeah. I just wanna link it up if Can have it. We've discussed literally everything this morning. Now I'm trying to think like what's was relevant for the. Lot of wedding chat is 6 that from your wedding much as well to me. And I'm so excited. No. I believe it. I'll this week was, I guess frantic but in a good way with wedding. Is someone who
does not wear a lot makeup. I spent 4 hours a hair and makeup trial. And this is where I think I've concluded I'm an introverted extra because I can chat, like, I don't think An introvert. I don't think I'm, like, shy. I actually think I'm better talking to people I don't know. So I feel more comfortable with that. After 4 hours. It's a long time to be, like, con. I felt exhausted afterwards and I'd literally decided in a makeup.
All I had done. I was so tired as I I need and just not speak to another human for, with 3 hours now. Also, that's a situation... Like, it's a very intimate experience to have someone working on your face on your hair. Mh. So, like, even if you're aren't chatting entire time, that's quite intense. I think it's fun, but it is a 10. Was fun. But, yeah, I was... Yeah, exhausted after. I was like, why why am So tonight? I've not moved 4 hours, but Yeah. That was fun.
You know, I will literally only do this twice kind of fun. So... Oh yeah. Because you haven't done any wedding day as. I was, what, What I've been up to this week is also a perfect segue for my recommendation this week. Because the 2 are intrinsically. That's quite an anxious week. I think it's a lack of sleep and having to have quite a lot of just not very nice conversations in the past couple of weeks.
And you know when it's like stressful or like, you're not products, it's not a really serious big, horrible conversations, but they were just like, emotionally charged conversations is the way I would put it. And conversations I hadn't wanted have that can be putting off. And as a chronic over thinker, and people please are. Imagine I hate having to like, my friends conversation. Even... Yeah. Or even contemplate those conversations.
So Finally addressed them, but I think I had a bit of an anxiety hangover plus having not slept for a few nights. It wasn't a good match. And I definitely go to that spiral of, like, really worrying about what people are thinking being quite sensitive to what people are thinking of me and like filling in the blanks. And I then was like, I know what I'm gonna listen to, and I listened to an episode, which I must have recommended before.
But it was an episode of the... Should I delete that podcast? A really old episode from, like, well over a year ago. And it is the episode called Jack is back, and it is and second interview with Jacqueline Hi, m and Our basically talked to her, and it's set actually just after ms wedding when she had received a lot of hate about how she looked on her wedding day.
It really upset her, and they basically break it down and go through, like, other people's opinions of you, why, like, you shouldn't... Like, always they don't make it about yourself, let people think what they think. All of these sorts of things. And it was just so helpful in snapping me out of that mindset of on my god. I'm an awful person. I'm a demanding person. I'm a horrible friend. All of these things that come connect started perm mu into my mind.
That had no logical basis, but we're just kind of n away. It really helped me just remember those key things of, like, it's all a gift. Like, things that trigger you teach you. It's all okay on an awful person. So whether I'm that you've listened to it before, I would recommend just going and giving it a listen because it's like a really but kind and compassionate episodes. Basically, it's like no no stop. Like, let's dig into this. Let's move through it. But you don't eat his spiral.
Be very helpful. She don't think Ever listen to the second episode I definitely listen to her first 1. I... And... Because I also don't think I knew that Clark have gotten hate how she looks to my wet. Thought it looked to me. Yeah. And, yeah. Apparently, the daily mayo elite went wild Like, you relax so ugly, your husband's Obviously cheated, and I knew really horrible nasty things. My god.
That's insane. Yeah. But that's that's 1 of those episodes that keeping your back pocket, like, when you are having 1 of those weeks where things just feel odd. Oh, a hundred percent. Like, I'm just gonna send it to you now so I can find it again easily later. And also... So you can See you can have a, but yeah. It's like, it's called Jack is back. Let other people be wrong about you. I think if you are a chronic people please are.
And you worry about others thinking like, you do need to let people be wrong, like, about you sometimes, and it's okay. It's been very comforting as an additional little recommendation. Go and follow hot brisket on Instagram, Glen powell. Adopted a dog. I can't not mention this it's all I've spoken to you about this week. Where power adopted a dog 1. He was on the set of twister. Him daisy jones and hot brisket on our
my favorite family on the Internet. Him and him and Daisy jones aren't together much to both of our disappointment. I think I can safely say. But brisket is the cutest or dog and essentially the Instagram count is just first track brisket. So I really think I have... Or we discussed this the other week. I... I'm really struggling to like Glen powell because I don't like he's remade twisted I'm really struggling To like him for that reason, which I know is is a me problem.
Not a him improper. Yes. I won't lie to you. I mean, a couple of people who seen that interviewed it have been like someone who I follow line and said well, that will teach me for going to see a movie just for the eye candy. No. That's fairness is that is the only reason I would going watch it. Oh no. Shoot for the eye candy and for loving a lead person's new stylist because days yet Jones, how a new stylist, and she has smashed it out the park on this press tour, like every single look is
serving. She looks phenomenal. I love her new style. I'm like, I'm a total daisy Van girl. She's on my Pinterest sports now of like outfit ideas. The only reason I want to go and see it is because I like those 2 people and now there's a dog involved. That's not the movie. No. That is that is not movie. The dog is not in the movie. And I also feel like probably her stylist did not be the styling the movie.
No. She didn't. She's blonde in the movie, which is 1 of those notes I'm like, is that what I looked like when I was blonde? That's weird that they've made up blonde for movie because that just feels even more like they're trying to copy the original. I mean, I don't know. I don't see original. There's no part it wants to worry about weather the phenomenon. I still have my all the time. I'd I I do love that movie. I would recommend it. Wow. I love Glen, and I love daisy.
Won't be seen the movie week, but the Instagram account is worth following? Any you will go. Enough for me ra on. What's your recommendation this week. My recommendation is, little bit different from that. It's a throat spray, which is the need. I'm sorry. Sorry. I need a moment. I have have jump the shark. Have we been doing this too long? If the recommendations week are something I've recommended before andy through. Great. Have other
proverbial your shark. Maybe. But I said this, I cannot remember the last time I sat down on Watch Tv. I've not finished the current book I'm reading. And keep listening to the same 3 podcast podcasts over and over at the gym. And I have no new content to recommend. And I was like, what is getting me through right now? I almost feel like I'm gonna get ill, it is this throat spray. So in fairness. I... The 3 podcasts should I match thinkers, rest entertainment.
I don't know the third 1. Maybe should I delete that. To be fair 3 a bit harsh, I'd probably say it's 4 but those blues above, okay. Those 3 and also shameless. Of course, Shameless. Of course, shame just shameless. I love the... Behind Me basically just this in the car, not in the gym. Yeah. Behind the bars is a car podcast broadcast really. Anyway, recommend throw spray. Are stop mocking because frankly health is wealth.
So obviously, massive caveat don't use this if you're allergic to bees because it is a medium but oh, god. None of this is on my 20 24 bingo card. None of it. Stop finger card, You can't predict everything that's gonna happen in a year. There's gotta be purple. Come on. This is what makes a year and a kicker. You know? I lovely it. You've called me out for that. It's like my most use phrase in the past 7 months that will, actually not 7 months To say, like, 4 or 5
months where shit started happening. And I'm like that was number my bingo card, and I do have a celebrity Bingo Card to 20 24. I've got a lot of them from. He was some of them. Okay. Oh my god. Brian. It wasn't on my finger I called. Anyway, don't use if you're allergic fees, but what is this sports spray that everyone in on tender hooks for. Okay? It's bee natural, propose. I think that's say. Solace, bolus, immune support daily throat spray. Bee natural version is only in the states.
So if you're in the states, you can get it there. But there's also really, really similar 1. I can't remember the makeup. That's on Amazon, and they 1 at Holland and Barrett as well. Basically, the Prop polaris the words you're looking for. If you put in like propose beef fruit spray was loads of different brands yeah. But I've been buying it from the states, and then now I get it here and I always get sore
throat first when. I'm starting to get run down and sick, like, I get that dry kind of scratch your feeling on my throat. Spray this on my throat and it never comes fruition. I've have... You told me not to jinx it last time I said it, but I've still not been ill. I think this year. I've still not been ill. That's wanna get in now. Impressive. 6 months. I mean, I think I had, like, sniff nose when I got off a flight in
February, and that was it. So this thing has I'm not saying that it's everything, but it definitely is helping especially with a sore throat aspect. But, yeah, I I would recommend them they're pretty cheap as well. So. Gonna... I'm gonna order. Well. Been stung by. It has just could. I literally a to say it's catch. I'm not I. I should face messing somewhere wrong. Well, Taylor use and then he was, like, oh, I guess I'm not allergic. And I was like, what do
you mean? He was like, Never been stuck. And Was like, that was a really risky way to find out. You have an allergy. Yeah. And I wouldn't normally worry about that sort thing, but it's me, and I'm... I can't have honey. I guess that's different. That's 2. Yeah. I'm not allergic to it. It just has unfortunate consequences. You can do like a patch test of it first. Yeah. Fine. Anyway, Like, don't take my advice kits. Let's still about the topic. I'm very excited to
talk about it. It's all come out from... There was a thing that went viral a few weeks ago now about a influencer of who was had made a tiktok, but naturally was quite inflammatory because it was tiktok saying, if you're not liking your friends stuff on social media, your ship friend or your toxic friend or something like that? Mh. They discussed it on shameless. They'd discussed something similar or should I delete that? I think it's really fascinating
because there's a whole debate there, Right? About, like, whether they're or not liking your friends stuff on social media is good or bad, or at the of not doing it, whether that means anything. But the other side of that is I think it brings up the conversation performative friendships. I think it's easier than ever for people to look like they're showing up for you, but then actually not show up for you.
And I'm really curious the how you identify that and how you kind of can stop because yourself feeling really let down in those situations. And do you think, like, as a side note to this, when that went viral, I was like, oh my god. Does that mean I'm toxic friend, like, if I miss a friend's post? I was like, oh, my god. Does that mean like, just stress me out internally. So for the record, you're not a toxic friend.
Okay. Well, that's good. But I do think that Tiktok had I think the context of tiktok was so important because, obviously, she was an influencer. It's of course she's spending a lot of her day online. Of course, she spends a lot of time online and interactions with her content are ultimately part of her her business, and that that does make likes and interactions and and whatever, very much more significant to her than say, your day to day just posting a don't know.
Yeah. Picture of you and your dog or whatever it might be. But I do think there's definitely conversation there about how social media does make it easy to just show up. On a surface level. You could like every picture of all of your friends possible, but it doesn't make you a good friend. Well, that's the thing isn't it? And I was kinda saying to you before. Yes, I will like I will share... I will save your content.
I know it's important job business but actually, like, there's a whole other side of it that that's a small fraction of what I would do to support you in your business. Because he, like, you don't know when I'm I'm saying, like... So Alex's parents every time they book a holiday. They book it through your booking dot com affiliate. Oh, I didn't know that. I'm sorry Yes. I thought I told you that. Because they... Because I had mentioned it to them, and they were like, oh my blog,
we will definitely do that. And... But like, that isn't... I mean, See now, you know, but we don't see that side of it. And you don't see when, like, a work colleagues telling me they're going to Japan, and I'm like, I have a friend who has an incredible guide on her website about that. And actually, if you only judge it on whether or not I like your post or you judged everything on that. It's not a true picture, and at the same time, I think when it's not business and it's just friendship.
You're right. You... Someone could like everything, and then actually not be there for you and check with you. And be a really reliable friend, equally like, the algorithm impacts what you even can see. And the, like, some people spend less time on social media than others, due to the nature of what we do and the industries we're work, We spend a lot of time on social media. That isn't necessarily reflective of most people.
Yeah. Yeah. And so I think, like, For me, it's breaking those to apart a little bit and saying act actually, like, if you're worried that you're in a situation where you you have a friend who's very performative frank, who might actually be there for you. You've gotta take those elements out of it. Like, if you strip it back, strip away the social media likes and the happy birthday text, and all of those very quick friendship touch points, I I'd say? Mh. Then what does it look like?
Yeah. Yeah. Because I think there's thing with social media is that it's made it so easy. Have a performative friendship, and you might not even know. Yeah. A friendship has become a performative friendship. Like, you could have someone who is we are talking about the context of social media, liking all of your posts, sending you means, etcetera, etcetera. But like you said it's not until a big life event. If that if something significant happens in your life, are they there for you?
Are they showing it? Are they checking in with you? And I think that's... Like like there's nothing wrong with those more performative actions online because they can all be part of the bigger picture of and it. But if they're the only act that happen in the friendship. I think that's very
very different. And, obviously, there's always gonna be There's always gonna be some friendships that are more like acquaintances because that's just the nature of social media, and the way that Mean, we've spoken about paris social relationships before. But like, how many people do you follow like, 15 years ago in your life, or you would never actually speak to. But you feel like you know so much about their lives you still happen on Facebook from, like, 2008 or whatever. And
that's not performative. But that's just you seeing and knowing a lot about someone's lives because everyone posts on social media. Yeah. It's that distinction between the 2 of where does it then step from social media into real life? And how is that person showing up? How are you showing up with that person? I guess it's easier now to have a lot of acquaintances that get masked as friends, which is... I mean, the like, if he on Facebook. Everyone was marketed as a friend on Facebook.
Even if they're acquaintance him, and you know, 20, 30 years ago, that person who you went to school with he bumped into the supermarket. You're like, hey. Hey hate k. Doing alright? Like, nice to see you, and it be very purposeful. Right Now because you have more opportunity to form a better relationship. I wonder if our maybe the standard we hold people to if stone times higher. Or we hold too many people to that higher standard.
It goes back to the friendship for a reason a season in a lifetime. Yeah. And I think social media makes it far harder to distinguish between the 3 categories. Yeah. No. I definitely agree. And, like, the example I gave you earlier like a have friend who... Or maybe speak to once or twice a month. Like, we don't have a, like, a constant communication, but occasionally like say she sends me a meme. I think that's really at a funny real or something. I think that's really sweet because that
shows in her. Yeah. I don't know. We've not spoken for 2, 3 weeks, and then she's seen something in her day that's made her think of me. I'm like, oh, that's really nice that they've seen something in, like, I'm the person that's, like, popped into their head. And I guess then those are those friendships that maybe if social media didn't exist. They maybe would have dropped off. They maybe would have disappeared. So I think there's definitely 2 sides to this. You think maybe it's about.
Is that the right word being reciprocal? Yeah. I... Yeah. That's so much of it because I think the hard thing is you don't act Know someone's not gonna show up for you until you need them to show up and they don't. Yeah. And because those situations are, hopefully, but a few and far between. You don't necessarily consider whether or not they would show up for you.
Mh. Because you kind of just just assume like, you almost keep yourself in that place of what the relationship was like, last time they had to show up you and gone what they did. And I think because so... I guess this is where it becomes a bit more tricky social media such an easy way to maintain contact that that level of contact could stay exactly
the same. But underneath the surface maybe is that, like, you don't check in as much as you used to, or you live further away from each other, you have different priorities. When you're all at different life points, but you can easily maintain the bare minimum of liking or social media or something people means and stuff. You don't always get the full picture. Mh. And I think then it's quite difficult to reckon with if there's someone that doesn't show for you in the way you expect?
Yeah. And because it's not been It's not easy to perceive that that gap was grown because I exactly that on on the surface level. Things have felt very similar. And also like like saying everyone's moved away or everyone's got different priorities. But everyone is so busy. Yeah. I think it then feels easy to be like, oh, they've just... They've not, like, responded or I've not heard from them for
a while or... Oh, they've not like checked with me about that because they're busy, like everyone is so busy. But then like you said, it's not all those big moments. Where it becomes, like, yeah. I guess comes to the surface more, whether. Well, like the. The thing That's it. And like, I know we were having this conversation earlier, but like, everyone's got shit going on. Everyone's got stuff on their plate. It is always something.
And I guess it's understanding whether that's a period of time where it's like flowing and maybe your in contact less. Versus actually is this sis is this... Is this... Oh, my god, why can't I get the word out? Is the symptomatic of a different? Was a issue that sounds very dramatic, but like a more significant shift in the relationship, I guess because, I think it's like, I think you'd agree, like, over the past year, a lot has happened.
And if we didn't have the podcast, would we have been in touch every single day in the same way. I don't know. Mh. And that's not a criticism of either off I It's just there's it's been of shit going on. So... But then at the same time, when that shit slows down, I think we would have come back together. Yeah. And it... It's really hard because if you kind of have distance when people have stuff going on, it's very hard to come back together because you then don't know
if that stuff's ended. And that's where I think where you'll start to rely on that performative thing a bit more of, almost like, yeah, I like the photo are share real because I can't still here. Yeah. I'm still here. Like, but when you're ready for it. It's really difficult to navigate because I don't wanna... I don't feel like my expectations of friendship at the same as they were 10 years 3 5 years ago. And and also the context... Yeah. The context that we're talking right now.
Everyone has different expectations of Friendship, different levels of obviously, everyone, what they expect from Friendship is different from what we would expect from friendship. So, like, whether something... Whether a friendship is performative or not, literally might not even be an issue for a lot of people. Yeah. And you might not know. You might think god, that's really friendship. But the flip side of that is someone else going.
Oh, I think actually that's me showing up on a micro level constantly. Yeah. But I guess that's where it's, like any relationship you've got to communicate what you do and don't want. And also accept that it, maybe that friendship is and entering a different phase. Like, I would say, over the past a year, in particular, but made, like last 3 years were particularly over the last year. Been a lot of circumstances results where I've kind of got to turn around to myself and go.
Maybe we're just entering a different phase, and that's mh. So okay. Mh. Like, Would it actually be fine if that happened? Yes, make pieces of it and accept things like where they are and what they are? And I think that in itself is quite liberating because then it doesn't become a case of, oh, my god, does that person like be or not? It's... How's the relationship serving both of us right now.
And then it isn't that it's performative, but it is still like that constant stream of contacts, I guess, the other side of it would be that you would be in touch less, and then it almost becomes that thing of like, I haven't spoken to you for a month. So what do we say now? I'll talk to you tomorrow. I talk to you tomorrow and then 2 months faster than 3 months. Yeah. Whereas actually if you are kinda still engaging somewhat within that world.
You keep a foot in the door, Maybe it makes it easier? Yeah. I I also think. I mean, feel like this is more so in the coming years. Like, when friends start to have children, there's like the level of contact between friends always produces when people have kids because it is just such a different phase of life.
And I think there might be people listening who have kids and think oh, well, but me liking pictures is how I show how I can how I can be there and share my friends that I'm still interested in their lives even though I'm might, running myself ragged for who kids or whatever it might be. Yeah. That's true. And I think again, this whole conversation is very reflective of the shifts that we're having in our own lives and our own friendships because they're not...
Right, of course, it was easy to have a friendship when we all lived together in the same house for 3 years. Like... Yeah. That's not... Like, there's nothing performative there because you're literally seeing each other every single day. We think understanding I guess, how showing up looks for you, also how it might look for your friends, like how they would like to feel go for is really important. I... Yeah. I think that's so important. I think it's a case of.
Asking your friends what they need. Mh. I had this conversation when a little while ago, and I was, like, tell me how best to support you in there and I will tell you. Mh. And it was really interesting to be like, I don't know quite yet. But I will let you know. And that in itself is like that. Because then we both are on the same page, I think it's really hard to have those conversations. I think the phase I am
in my life now. I don't I don't need surface level friends, mas grading as best friends. Like I have a, I'm really fortunate, I've got really close group of fantastic women and men who I know will support me and to have my back and who I can call it, and I am so grateful for that. I can't maintain anymore relationships than that. And I'm really happy and grateful. And so I'm totally fine having those more surface to acquaintance friends like that is so okay with me.
What I don't need is people who fall into that kind of performative acquaintance, like lighter weight friends, I guess, almost holding immediately to recount of those deeper meaning friends. Does that make sense? Like, Oh, yeah. It kind of like, I don't... Like if you're not gonna beat me in into that deeper friendship. Bowl, bowl is a word word to use that.
I know. Bear with me. You're not gonna meet you there, then just let me swim in the kids pool, you know, not the kids pool, but, like, Let me say in the shallow pool if you're not gonna meet me in a deep pool. Yeah. Was a very fun mass pool. But, no. I I know what you mean. You know what I kinda mean. Like, if this was
quite a good analogy there. Yeah. I mean, I've had friendships in the past as well where there was eat like forceful to a point of trying to have a deep level connection that was just not actually sustainable for both people. And I yes. Again, that really comes down to what people's expectations are of of a friendship and how you want to show like, the miscommunication of not talking about how want to show up for each other.
Yeah. And I don't need to be, like, a formal conversation, but I think oh to be like, an understanding that, like, And maybe this is also as you get older and you see Friendships change, and they are through. Okay. I can only apologize for the sound if my mic saw over the place this week because I've have a Mic chaos. But, yeah, like, I I think friendships are more fluid than ever. If you're like, Think if that post resonated with you, and you're like, yeah, they are
a toxic friend or, yeah. They are, like, a ship friend. Actually, maybe the question is, why do you think that about someone. Why is it that person hopped into your head? Yeah. Guarantee didn't think about everyone? It was 1 person or 2 people of in front of your head, and I think then you've gotta explore that and that relationship rather than it being a blanket thing. Yeah. I definitely agree. I think that wraps it up for this
week. But we would love to hear your thoughts on this topic or any future topics you'd like us to discuss. As always, you can sign up fu our newsletter, which is linked for you down in the show notes. In the meantime, have a fabulous week, and we will be back next week Bye. Bye.