Unlocking Confidence: Kimmy Seltzer's Journey to Empowering Singles

Welcome back to Grow Your Impact, Income and Influence, the number one show helping you reach millions. Today, we're talking about millions of dates or at least that one in a million person that you want to have a relationship. My guest today helps men and women in their second act of life. She's gotten to have some conversations with the guy from the Golden Bachelor, Gary. If you like the Golden Bachelor, did I get that right, Kimmy? You got it. And Golden Bachelorette's coming too. All right.

She's helped hundreds of clients step into their power, gain their confidence. She works helping them pick their outfits. She helps them with their dating profiles, but more importantly, she helps with what is going on between your ears so that you can be the person that you were meant to be and call in the one. Today, we have Kimmy Seltzer on the show. Kimmy, How are you doing? I'm doing well. I'm excited to do this with you.

Well, thank you so much for coming on. So how does someone become a dating coach? How did you get here? I mean, this is kind of a unique skill set. And to be honest, I want to know like how you gained those skills because before I would hand over money, I want to know that you've got the skills to help me. I know you do, but how'd you get there? Yeah. Well, the problem is you limited me in under 15 minutes telling my story. So I'll try to make it quick.

You know, I obviously can read my bio and see my professional background, but quite honestly, that wasn't why I'm so passionate about doing what I do. And I don't think I would be as good as, you know, I am helping people now because of my own hot mess story. We always come from our own story, right? And I used to be a therapist for many, many years back in Chicago. I had a very traditional life. I practiced in a traditional way from the inside out. You hear that terminology quite a bit.

And I had a pretty cushy life. I had a couple of kids, the picket fence, the dog, the husband. I still have the kids, by the way, but you see where the story is going. So, you know, we decided to all pick up as a family and move across the country to here in La La Land. So I am in L.A. And it was almost as if the minute we got here is when the record stopped and my traditional life went away. Poof, as we know it. And so we ended up doing what all the other people here do. We get a divorce.

Course, obviously, I like to blame LA. I would have been here anyway. I know that. But it did speed up the process because when I think back, I think it was my removal of my cushy life where I was insulated to problems. And when we were faced with each other, we were faced with the reality that it wasn't going to work. And so there I was all alone in my new castle, not knowing what to to do with my new life. And the kicker was I was a therapist, right? Could you imagine?

So it's like I knew in my head what I needed to do, and I did it. Like I did the work. I did everything that I was taught and help people with. But yet still, I couldn't get out of my own way and really get back out there to date. And so all these years, and I know I've helped people in many different ways, but when you're going through it on a personal level, it was so different. And I fell in this state of analysis paralysis.

And it was so funny because I remember people coming to me, like, Kimmy, when are you going to go out and date? And I would say, oh, you know, I'm just working on myself. Cut to six months later, Kimmy, when are you going to go out and date? Well, I'm just working on my stuff. So it became this crutch. And the reality was, is that I was just scared. I was scared to put myself out there. And here I am dating later in life or in the second act, as I call it.

And I didn't know where to go, what to do and how to be. And so all this therapy was not helping me take action.

So I just decided to do something very untraditional. So what I didn't tell you about this story in relation to what I do, I know you don't believe me because we've known each other a bit. I wasn't wearing red. I was wearing all black. I looked like a hot mess. I still had my nursing bras on. I wasn't even nursing any longer. I had flip-flops. I was literally a hot mess. Hot mess Kimmy. Hot mess Kimmy and frumpy mommy, more importantly.

And I remember looking in the mirror one day and it just hit me. I was horrified at what I saw. And I said to myself, and I remember these words like, who would date me? I wouldn't even date me. So I decided to take a drastic measures into my own hands and I went shopping, shopping therapy. I'm like, all of my clothes consisted of black, maybe a splash of beige. And I said, well, you know, maybe I'll just get new clothes and I'll feel better about myself. So I'm in the store and what am I doing?

I'm collecting all black again. I'm doing the same darn thing. And it took this personal shopper and she comes up to me she says ma'am i've been watching you and i really think you should try this on and she holds up a red dress that looked like three sizes too small because by the way i lost all this weight didn't see myself and i said that's really sweet of you but that's really not my size and that's so not my color she says honey that is is your size, that is your color.

Try it on. Boom. Just like that. It was like she hit me over the head with that red dress. I call it my red dress moment. And it's the moment that I teach everybody now. It's the moment that you wake up. It's the moment that you stop numbing out and you take action. And so I took that red dress, I squeezed into it, I twirled around like Cinderella, and I took a hard look in the mirror once again. And this time, I saw a princess. I just kept staring at myself. I'm like, wow.

I just hadn't seen myself in so long. And so I bought the red dress as a costume. I still don't believe it. And I took it upon myself to wear that red dress everywhere I went out in the world. And I did it. I went to the market in it. I went to the coffee shop in it. I walked my dog. it. And surprisingly, I just started noticing men noticing me for the first time after a very dark place. And the kicker was, and this is the biggest surprise, I didn't like it.

Like this whole time, like, oh, I want to go out and date. I want to go out and date. I was petrified in and being seen. That's really what all this fear was about. And so I just had to get used to being seen. And I realized in that moment that there was a symbiotic relationship between the outer and the inner when it comes to confidence. It's not superficial. It's not just the inside job. It's how we market ourselves. It's how we move through life.

And if you're not marketing yourself in a way so that people get to know you, love will pass you by. And so that's where I flipped the script. And I now work from the outside in. And I do that with my charisma quotient formula, which we can talk about later. But I really do start from the outside. So that's where everything started. Obviously, I started doing many different things with many different people.

But the makeover process, which is really a confidence makeover, is the biggest part of my business. So, okay. There's so much to unpack in there. I think the confidence piece is what What causes you to be able to do that? Were you, I mean, how long were you married? Over 10 years. So, and then you wake up in LA, you're single suddenly, you don't even recognize yourself. You don't feel good internally.

What? So you buy the red dress, right? I'm picturing you like spinning around in the dressing room, buying it and you're buying it. Most women I think would go home and hang it in the closet and be like, yeah, I look really good, but I don't ever wear it. Then you put it on and you go out in public. And I think it's really interesting that you said, you know, I didn't like being seen. I didn't like the attention that I was getting, but you still leaned into it.

What gave you the mindset to do that? Like, I want to know what shifted inside of you because you went from being married to being single to feeling probably like self-worth issues or like, I just want to hide. I just want to be by myself. I'm working on myself. That's why it's six months, eight months, 10 months. You buy the red dress. You don't like the attention that you're getting,

but you like the picture that you had in your head. What shifted that allowed you to be able to keep wearing it and to say, maybe I should like the attention or maybe I do want the attention? What happened? That's a great question, Steve. I love the way you framed it too, because what was interesting is before the divorce happened, I considered myself a pretty confident person. And so it wasn't until all that stuff happened.

It was like when I looked in the mirror, all my confidence and the pieces just shattered to the ground and I literally didn't know how to pick up the pieces again. And up until that point, everything that I knew. Was about the mindset, about shifting how I felt inside. But I realized that there were pieces missing because I wasn't shifting. I wasn't changing.

I was not taking action. And so there was no way I was going to better myself and really change just the point I was in my life unless I did something different. And so one thing I did know as a therapist is that the only time that you do change is when you lean into the discomfort. No one changes in a state of comfort. And so the fact that the red dress made me uncomfortable, it brought forth to me that very thing that I knew I needed to get past. But how did I do it? I had to practice it.

I had to do it in repetition until it became so comfortable that the very thing that I feared, I now teach. And so this is one of the fundamental things that I really help people with is that I just think dating and flirting and all of this stuff is a skill. I don't believe there's one person out there who's not confident. It's just that confidence I define as his experience. And it's just like your job, right? Like when you first do your job,

it's not very easy, right? You you have to concentrate. You don't feel very confident. How do you get there? You do it over and over and over again until now you can do it with your eyes closed. Well, this is no different. And I think it really helps when you know that there are certain skills that you can hone in on practice that can slowly build that confidence.

And that's really what I love helping people with. Awesome. I know you love helping people with it. I know it lights you up. If you guys would like to learn a little bit more about this, you can go to KimmySeltzer.com backslash now. There's a flirt quiz there, which will help you learn how to flirt. She also does workshops and retreats. We'll make sure to link that in the show notes down below. All right. I want to circle back. So you made it sound really easy to gain confidence.

I just practiced a little bit. Is that like looking in the mirror and saying, I'm confident, I'm confident, I'm confident. Is that like having a conversation? What'd you do? The first guy that came up and hit on you when you're wearing your red dress. Did you clam up and run away? I ran. No, in all honesty, it was really scary. Well, I have a couple other mini stories that happened along the way.

It's almost like I was Dorothy in Wizard of Oz. And as I was going down the yellow brick road, I was collecting tools in my little basket. And each person that I met, I felt like I learned something from. And in this This quest for Oz, and as you know, there's no real Oz. It's just a little man behind the mirror. We're on a constant journey. No one ever gets perfect at anything.

But what I find, not only with myself, but with the clients that I teach, is that when we work on these little wins, they add up to the bigger success. And so the charisma quotient is the name of my podcast. And it's the formula, what I teach, what I love about charisma is it's an energy that just like draws people to you. And what research says is that charisma isn't something you're born with. It's actually a skill that is taught.

So trust me, I've taught it. I taught an 85-year-old woman to sit at a bar and she picked up a man, I kid you not, all the way down to an introvert who says, I can't even walk in this room, was having so much social anxiety and became a social butterfly. And how did they do it? Well, I just had them practice the three pillars of the charisma quotient. So the first pillar is what I I call style intelligence. You have to look the part, right? Like we can't even talk about looking in the

mirror and saying, I'm good enough. I'm smart enough. You have to have that energy that where you're like, not only in your body language, but also in the way you dress. First impressions, first of all, are only seven seconds now. It's probably quicker with Bumble and Tinder these days. But within that, the brain is looking at two different things. This is research-based. This is not even me talking. It's the clothes that you wear and the attitude that you have.

And so what you say isn't even as important as how you show up. So I love helping people with that because that's something quick. It's something instant that you can see. And it's something instant that you feel. Like there was this woman I helped and she was this like badass CEO woman. And she was petrified to wear anything sexy, red dress. She was very intellectual, so much in her head, so much of an introvert, very outcome-driven, goal-oriented.

And she didn't understand this whole notion of like dressing up and flirting. She's like, why can't we just have a conversation and get to the boyfriend? Like she just, none of it made sense to her. So I had to start with the red dress moment for her. You know, we went shopping and for the first time in her life, she was taught how to wear a dress. And not only that, feel good in it.

Like she was feeling like money, but then I had her practice walking in a room and owning a room in that red dress. So slowing down her walk, making eye contact, smiling, you know? And so building people's confidence from the outside is to me the quickest way in gaining that validation.

The second pillar is working on people's emotional intelligence. So- Hang on, I want to go back. I want to break down each one of these. So, yeah. What do you say to somebody? I'm just picturing the conversation, right? She's like, I don't look good in those things. I don't want to wear them. I'm not comfortable in that. That's not anything that I would, I would wear. I don't know if you, if you read the book, psycho cybernetics, it talks about, he was a plastic surgeon in the sixties.

He would fix people's faces, but it wouldn't change what was going on in their head. How, how do you actually get her to be comfortable in the dress so that she'll wear it? Cause she'll wear it with you. She'll wear it in the fitting room. She might even wear it out of the store, or I know you, you play the wing woman and you take people out to hang out with them and get some drinks so that they can practice these things. But how do you get her to be confident enough?

What do you tell her that changes the mindset going on in her head? Like her self-talk, is it a mantra that you give her? How do you get people to feel? Cause that's a challenge for everybody, right? Like we know plenty of guys that wear around hoodies and jeans that are way too big and flip-flops and they always look like a hot mess and you, you can buy them nice clothes, but they're like, ah, they're not comfortable. I don't feel good in it. I'm not going to wear them. How do you change that?

Right. Well, look, I mean, first of all, being an image consultant, it's very important to me to give people education on what clothes flatter their figure. That's the first and foremost. most. So for women, we have five different body types, and it's measuring your body type and then understanding what clothes fit your body type and flatter you and what clothes to stay away from.

So what builds confidence in clothes is when women finally see themselves in clothes that flatter their figure, they suddenly see something different in the mirror. Men do that too. I do manovers too. You men are no different, okay? So it's just we go at it a little differently, and there's different kinds of body types for men and also teaching like colors and what the opposite sex finds attractive.

So there's some education in there, but it's not until people put on those clothes and walk out of the dressing room. I can't tell you how many times I've had the experience of that makeover moment where people just walk out and they're suddenly walking differently. They're standing taller. They are slowing down their walk. It's impossible for a woman not to slow down her walk when she's in a pair of heels and walk sexier than a pair of flip-flops. These are tangible. It's almost like a costume.

And there is so much research out there that shows when you wear different clothes, you will perform differently. I mean, I mean, there's like articles upon articles on that. And there's even shifts that go on in the brain. There's something called enclosed cognition where the brain chemistry actually shifts when you wear different clothes. So I know there's scientific proof to this, okay? So you're asking about like, well, are there mantras, is there a mindset?

It's actually something that's felt in the body when you're wearing this. Now, it's different for everyone. Like to your point of the guy who likes the big sweats and the big hoodie. So the question becomes, well, okay, so you're... You're comfortable in that, but is it working for you in attracting women? Like I had a guy, he wore exactly that and he wanted to attract a fit, hot woman. And I said, I'm sorry, but like you have to be what you want to attract and you are not.

I mean, he was not exercising, he wasn't healthy, he had all the big clothes on. And it wasn't until he started dressing differently that he started attracting those kinds of women, but also incorporating that lifestyle. So it's like, you got to be what you want to attract. So there's a lot of conversations within that question. But I think the biggest thing is, is I work with so many high achievers and people who are in their head and they go to the head, the intellectual way to this stuff.

But so much about love and dating and flirting is something that is felt. So at the the end of the day, it's not how smart you are or how much you know that connects people in those beginning phases. It's how people feel when they're around you. And so that's why I do so much like body work and feeling work. That's where emotional intelligence comes in and how we express ourselves. And the third pillar is social intelligence, how we manage interpersonal communication and have fun.

And this is going to sound really elementary. Do you know, I would say say, 90% of my clients just aren't having fun. They're just not being playful. And so everyone's so serious. I can't tell you how many times... I'll make people, and I know you and I have talked about improv. I will play improv games with them just to get them out of their head and get silly. And so these are the points of attraction that people respond to. And it's crucial in those those beginning phases.

All right. We're going to come back to pillars two and three. I do have one quick question on style though. Yes. Same brands have picked up like, like luxury brands, right? Like Louis V, Gucci, especially where you are. Do you think that that matters in dating? I heard one person probably six or eight months ago be like, I wouldn't date somebody unless they are wearing that. And that to me, I'm like, there's no way.

I own some of that stuff. But if I hear you say that, I don't want anything to do with that. What do you think as a style coach, as somebody going out with people, do they have to spend $800 on a pair of shoes? Do they have to buy the super high-end name brand stuff or can they get by on something? Can they find something that fits them well or get it tailored, right? I've bought stuff.

I can buy something that is, I can buy a jacket that's 400 bucks and I can go to the tailor and spend a hundred bucks and that will look better than a $2,000 jacket. But you tell me, does it matter to women? What should people be wearing when it comes to brands? Yeah, again, there's so many layers to that question. and different ways of answering that. And, you know, it really is about what's important to you.

You know, sometimes people enjoy expensive clothes because they like the way it makes them feel. It's maybe the culture in the town that they live in and a lot of people are buying the brands and it's part of conversations, that kind of thing. And there's no right or wrong here. But what I will say, and this is kind of a big, I guess, mistake that people make, is that they shy away from name brands or store brands that feel like, oh God, I could never shop there,

realizing that sometimes you can get better bargains there than in other places. So. Shopping is very different nowadays than when it was in the 90s, where you only had like Casual Corner and Banana Republic to choose from. I really teach people more about brands and what brands work for their body type. OK, so that the fit is probably the most important, more than the brand itself.

But what I will say, there's just like a little like kind of parentheses here, is that there There is a bigger conversation when it comes to self-worth and spending money on yourself.

So this goes beyond clothes or anything else. But I find that there's a connection there is that a lot of people that I work with aren't used to investing in themselves or investing in anything that would be considered ostentatious or, you know, that kind of thing, because they're used to like being a giver and focusing on other people, other things outside themselves.

So in those cases, I really encourage people to invest in maybe like one piece that makes them feel like money because it's about the psychological impact that it has on their self-worth. And what I do find is that you will achieve ROI, just put it in business terms, in who you attract when you invest in yourself. And that could be in the clothes, it could be in coaching, it could be in just what you have around you, because it makes a statement about how you value yourself

kind of thing. And again, I always throw myself under the bus. I'll never forget the first time I bought an expensive piece for myself. I used to wear just mommy pieces. I was thrifty. And the image consultant that taught me how to do what I do, she was amazing. She was this gorgeous Serbian woman, and she spent thousands of dollars on just a fur coat or whatever. She was a little out there. But when I bought my first rider jacket, I was thinking I was like investing in myself.

And she took one look at me and she says, and you expect people to invest in you? You look like a tired mom. And I was horrified. Like I had tears in my eyes. But you know what? She was right. And I look back in that period of time. I did not invest in myself. I didn't think I was worth that. And we again, we are what we attract. And when I started investing in better pieces for myself, I did attract a higher clientele even and then eventually like people in my life. So it goes beyond the brand.

Got it. I think that is a great answer. And it's actually where I was trying to go with it. Spending money on things that make you feel and look good is a direct correlation to self-worth and what you attract. I mean, I don't wear I don't wear super fancy clothes all the time, but when I go out to something that needs those, I look good. I look good when I go to the grocery store. I don't just I love the people that now go to the grocery store and like pajamas.

I'm just like the new world out there. All right. Let's go back to having fun. Cause I think this is, I know in the last like four years, the number of dates I've been on where people have said like, you actually made me laugh and it's, it is a lost skill. Everybody just wants to be serious.

I had one girl I took on a date in Vegas. She has asked me how much money I made. And like, that was the end of the date. Right. I was like, I'm out the door. Like, that's all all you care about. I've had other people, you know, it's dry, boring conversations, like have some fun, lighten up. What are your tips when it comes to having fun dating? How do you get it away from being serious? Well, the first and foremost is the conversations that are being had.

You know, I always say like, I'll go into people's Bumble accounts and cause I go into the hood. There's no like running from me. I want to see what's happening. And I can't tell you how many times it looks like that I am looking at a LinkedIn conversation. It's like Q&A, so linear, very surface, very serious. How long have you lived here? Hey, how are you? None of that. So. The most nonsensical and fun conversations are the best ones.

You and I both know this. I mean, you and I both do this naturally. But getting away from like the Q&A type of sessions is crucial. So I love helping people with just conversations. And that goes also in real life.

You know, people will go out there. Oh, like it's so bad being in a bar and like someone says, oh so what do you do for a living that's the last thing i want to talk about never i mean i love talking about it but that's not if some girl comes up and asks me that i usually make up something i i'm a stripper yeah that's always a fun one right or you know i'm an astronaut i've i've said i'm a fireman but they like that one's believable so it has to be like make it unbelievable like who cares.

Yeah, you know what? I didn't get a warm response. Well, you know what I do? I make it into a game. And, you know, sometimes answering questions with questions are the best kind of way of getting things started. And so instead of answering what you exactly do for a living, I teach my clients to just say, well, what do you think I do? And now we're playing a guessing game, right? And it's so much fun because, first of all, you get intel into how you're being perceived, right?

So, ladies, if you're being guest as a lawyer, accountant, IT person, you definitely need to call me because that is not what you want to be guest as. What do you want to be guest as? Ooh, maybe that's a fun question. Well, okay. Now, as a guy, what kind of professions are attractive for a woman? Do you have any as a guy? That's interesting. I'm probably different than most guys. I would say sales because I want somebody who's outgoing. I want somebody who's fun.

I also want somebody that is professional and can handle themselves. I would also date somebody. It's hard. Ideally, when I get married, I'm fine with my wife staying at home and being a stay-at-home mom. But I don't want to marry somebody who's a stay-at-home mom. If I met somebody and they were like, I stay at home with my kids, I'd be like, that's probably a red flag. So that's an interesting one. I don't know. What would I like?

Like something that is interesting, something that one girl I dated was a trainer for how to win friends and influence people, Dale Carnegie, which that was a super interesting job, right? Like she did sales and she did training for that. That's interesting to me. Like something that's interesting and what's more important than the job is that they're passionate about it. If they tell me, like, I'm a lawyer, but I hate it and I'm a weekend warrior, that's a turnoff.

If they told me, hey, I'm a lawyer, I'm really passionate about it because of X, Y, Z, I would ask questions. I love asking questions. Well, tell me more about that. What makes you excited? What makes you pull an all-nighter? Like, that kind of stuff is great. If somebody's excited about it, I don't care about the job as much as I care about they love it. And see, ladies, what I want to highlight and what you're doing right now is exemplifying exactly what we're talking about.

It really isn't the job itself that's important. It's the feeling behind it. It's the meaning of the job to that person that's more attractive than anything else. And I think people get caught up in the facts of things rather than the feeling that's behind it. And that's the biggest bridge that you have to think about when it comes to creating chemistry and attraction. Because, I mean, how many times have you had conversations about, so, oh, I'm a lawyer, and this is my position, and I litigate,

da-da-da-da. Who cares? Like, I can read that on LinkedIn, right? But to your point, what makes you passionate about that? Did you always feel that way? You know, like, get into what the person is. Do you know when I play that game, 99.9% of the time, I never disclose what I do. Because it really doesn't matter. We're just having fun guessing, talking about different things, why I look a certain way. Like, oh, I think you're in sales. Oh, what makes you think that I'm in sales?

Well, it's just the way that, right? And so now we're having a funny, fun conversation. The other thing that I teach in being more playful and silly is definitely the way that we show up in our body language. I don't think people are cognizant Of how much just what's written on your face can cause people to just soften and lighten up.

I mean, there are so many. Can I say RBFs on here? Sure. Resting bitch faces on here. Like there it's real. And by the way, guys do it, too. It's not just women. There's I call it resting grimace face. And like everyone's just so serious. And and that's just not attractive.

Active so like if somebody's i want to share yeah go ahead i didn't mean to cut you off the when i i have a girlfriend now so i'm not swiping but when i was when i swipe profiles the three things that i look for one if you have any kind of filter i'm swiping left two if you're not smiling if you are not showing teeth in your smile it's left i don't care like that's another another one for me is plastic surgery.

If there's any visible plastic surgery, filler, anything I'm off, like that's a personal thing. But the first two, it's like, you shouldn't have filters that make you look like a dog. That's not funny or attractive. You all personal. But the second one is like, smile. I don't, nobody wants to spend their life or a date or the next six months with With somebody that is a stick in the mud. Nobody. It's so important and yet so overlooked.

I'll never forget. So I used to do matchmaking back in the day, which, you know, I love that I had that in my back pocket as experience because it was fascinating hearing the two perspectives, you know, of when people would go on a date. Sometimes I'd be like, are you sure you were on the same date? Anyway, I was setting up this guy and I had two pictures of this woman. I knew exactly his type. And one picture was a woman. She was gorgeous. And I was all excited to set him up.

But yet she was looking in the camera. She had this gray sweater on. She looked really pale. And she was folding her arms like this and looking sternly in the camera. It was almost one of those smart business type of poses. LinkedIn. And he says to me right away, no. I said, no. How can you say no? Like, she's gorgeous. She models. I said, what are you responding to? He's like, well, she looks like she would kick my ass. I don't need that in my life.

And so, right, like what was he responding to? It was the look on the face and the kind of gray. I said, wait a second, before you hang up, I have one more picture. Second picture was a woman looking gorgeous in the sunlight. Her dress was flowing in the wind. Her hair was like her head was tilted and she was smiling in the camera. And I hear this like bump. He fell off the chair. I said, are you OK? He's like, yeah. Yeah. I can't believe I almost passed her up.

Yes. Yes. I said, well, it's the same woman. What are you reacting to? Well, now in this picture, she looks approachable. She's sexy. She's warm, fun. So a picture says a thousand words, but also how we move in life is just the same. That's 100%. I mean, you and I are pretty outgoing. We're networking. We can network for a living, right? Like I can go into a room. I can have fun. You can too.

What are, you gave us one tip. The tip was, Hey, if somebody comes up and asks you what you do, you say, what do you think I do? What's one or two other tips that can make people fun? Like we just talked about pictures, open mouth, smile. What's another thing that people can do? Give me some tips and tactics. Let's get down to the nitty gritty. Yeah. You know, a lot of times, again, I look at three, it's kind of the trifecta and it correlates with the charisma quotient.

Look at the style, the way that you are in expressing yourself, the emotional intelligence, and also like your interpersonal communication and social comfort. And if you like do something in each of those pillars that helps you move the needle and making you feel fun, playful, that kind of thing, it's really going to help you.

Now, before going into like a social event, a date, something tangible that I teach my clients is I help them put together a date prep plan or a social plan. And what that is, is allowing yourself at least an hour before you're going out socially to shake off your day, shake off the masculine energy, both for men and women, shake off the busy energy, get out of your head, and do something that is more in your body. Because again, the playfulness, the charisma, the flirtation happens in the

body. It does not happen in the head. And so people will ask me all the time, well, what are five lines that I can say when I walk into a place? And you know what my answer is? I'm not going to give it to you. There are no lines. The best lines come from your heart. The best lines come from being curious and what's going on in the room.

But you have to pay attention to that. So like my social engagement formula, I teach people how to get out of the head and more into something that's more personal and storytelling in nature. Storytelling is one of the biggest things that I teach. Obviously, like as you and I are talking, we're sharing a lot of stories, right? Most people, when they listen to this episode, afterwards, they're going to remember the stories that we told more than the facts.

Absolutely. Well, right? Like this, it's the same thing with, you know, people and dating. So that will make you being like, it was almost like the perception of you being more charismatic and playful when you tell stories that are more connected to you.

But the date prep plan is really important. and anything you can do, like maybe listening to music or running around the block or doing pushups, like something that just gets you out of that cerebral space and something that is in the body because you'll walk in differently. Absolutely. All right. So another question, quick one, though. Pickup lines. Yes. No. What do you think? Because then, well, it's better than what do you do for a living?

If it makes them laugh, is it worth having some pickup lines or should it just be a casual conversation? How do you open? I am a big believer in authenticity, and that's why I go back to my social engagement formula. I don't believe in pickup lines. We can smell it a mile away. We feel it that you've said this before. We know that it's something rehearsed. And so then it doesn't feel like you're

really saying something about us or in the moment. you're just drawing something from your head that you've said a million times. And so the more comfortable you can feel about being in the moment and being curious about your surroundings and the people that you're with, you'll ask more authentic questions. You know, guys are really, I would say, a culprit of this because they want to be funny. They're like, give me a funny line or something that's going to get the girl.

Honestly, as a woman, I just want to feel that you're real, that you're like saying something that I believe because that makes us feel safe. When you're on stage, it doesn't make us feel safe. Now, being funny later on, once you make a connection, we love a good sense of humor. That's not what I'm talking about. You asked about a line and I'm sticking to my guns. I don't believe it. And same thing with online dating. Those prompts are awful. Get away from the prompts.

I agree. The prompts are pretty bad. It is. It's an interesting, I have two, two sides that I'll share. The first one is like pickup lines. I would agree with you. I think why guys use them is because you have a couple options from a guy's standpoint, right? I can walk up, I can pay a compliment, but most girls have heard compliments a million times. It's going to cause walls to go up. It's not really authentic. Second thing that I can do, I can come up and try to make a joke about something,

but if the joke doesn't go over well, then I look bad. Right. And then the whole, Like that's the nightmare playing in a guy's head, right? What I found that works the best is just come up and ask a question that is a meaningful question to that person, right? Try to come up with something. And I don't think very many people do it in person anymore. I think now it's much more through apps, right? What always made me laugh, I can't tell you how many women have in their profiles,

don't just send me, hey, don't, don't. but then they would send it to me. Yeah. No, women are just as bad. And I'm like, yeah. In her profile says, don't just send a, Hey to me. And then I would get, Hey, what are you doing? And my answer to that is I actually like, I, I tried, I just had fun with it. Like I came up with the silliest things. Like, fine. What do you want me to be doing? What do you think I'm doing? Yeah. I'm on a dating game.

That's good. That's what I'm saying. because you're answering a question with a question. That is right. And the thing is, and I know we have to end soon, but on this note, because I actually was just in the media talking about this, I'm very passionate about it, is that both men and women have responsibility and approachability.

It is not just the man's job to come up to the woman and say, hey, or say, what is a cute girl like you doing in a place like this? Like, it is not... A woman has to send signals that she's approachable. And it's not about a woman being an aggressor either and being the man and going, hey, I'm Kimmy. It's about dropping hankies. I call it the hanky drop so that the men come hither and pick it up. Men are looking for those signals, those smoke signals that you're open for business.

You know, I say, turn your cab light on and it doesn't take much. Guys just want to know that it's okay to say hello to you. So what's happening out there in the world, especially nowadays, is that men are getting scared to approach women because women aren't approachable. And so women are getting mad at men that they're not alpha enough. And men are getting mad at women that they're not approachable. So we're at a stalemate. Like nobody's approaching anyone.

It's getting worse. I mean, the, I think you live in the epicenter of it kind of, I mean, LA, it's like, if you approach somebody, it's like, who are they with? Are they going to tell me that I'm somehow like me tooing them? Like, these are the questions that guys have behind the scenes. Like, am I going to approach her and she's going to accuse me of sexual harassment?

Cause that has happened. Yeah. And it's like, just because I say hi to you doesn't mean that I'm sexually harassing you or just because. Because so to your point, I think women just make some eye contact. You don't have to be the one who does the open, but makes my contact. Look at the person. Be generally don't sit there with your arms crossed. Like, think about your body language, which you talked about. If your arms are crossed, you're the last piece.

And then I'll get off my tangent about don't be on your phone. Like, don't just sit there on your phone. Put your phone away and look around the room. Have a conversation with somebody. That's going to go much better. And if the guy, if I think I, my sister's told me this, she's like, I'm more scared. She's like, there might be two or three guys in the room that I want to come talk to me, but there's 20 that I don't want to come talk to me.

So if I, if I give a sign, if I'm looking around making eye contact, I'm going to get hit on by the wrong guy. So, well, what do you say to that? That's an interesting question. Cause I was just like, that's part of the game. Yeah. You know, I totally, I mean, I just did a workshop on this and I called it meeting people IRL, meeting people in real life. My dating retreat's called Dating IRL because everyone wants that meet cute moment.

Everybody wants to meet people. But again, there's so much fear out there, both from men and women. You just said the top fears that men don't want to be creepy and women don't want to give the wrong signals to the wrong guys. And so here's what I say. We're just in this pendulum effect right now. We used to frolic around and actually talk to people once upon a time when we didn't have all the apps and the technology.

And then came the phone where we actually had to dial the thing and we actually talked to people. Well, now we've gone all the way to the other side and we've become so transactional and not relational that we're hiding behind some of this stuff, but now our social muscle has been atrophied. And so it's somewhere in between, right? Like we have to adhere to some level of safety. We have to pace things out and allow people to feel comfortable with one another.

But it doesn't mean shutting out life. It doesn't mean shutting the doors on people. Otherwise, you'll like miss opportunity everywhere you go. And so it's really important to get out of your apps, let's get into life and, and just talk to people. I can't tell you just, this is hot off the press, a woman that I worked with and I coached with, she was in that world and she was just so dependent on the apps and we coached together.

We were like doing my whole thing where I teach them how to flirt and talk to people. She went back home, literally, I think it was a week later, I gave her homework that Every week she had to go somewhere and just talk to people. Didn't matter if she was attracted. And this guy started talking to her and it was a fantastic guy. Cut to eight months later, they're still dating and he's fantastic.

Like that was like such a great kind of real life situation that can happen everywhere in any and to anyone, by the way. Well, that's the one thing that I'll say on my side of that from a guy's standpoint. Point, I've talked to guys who they're stuck in the apps, right? From a stamp, from a dating standpoint, guys will send 50 messages to get a handful of replies, right? Like it's a numbers game going out in person on an app.

Women are going like, it's much more cutthroat. I don't think it's just women guys too. It's like, I can't sense that person. I don't know what their energy is. I don't know how funny they are judging by two things. Are they hot? Are they attractive? attractive and two, do they have one or two traits that I would like in a person that I can see? If that's not there, it's going to be a lot of left swipes, right?

But if I go out and I meet somebody in person, they might not have any of the quote traits that I would look for on an app, but I still might be really into them because they're fun to be around.

And because at the end of the day, they're attractive because of their personality or because of who they are, are right like guys the the big question for guys is always like they lie about their height because women always want a taller guy i've dated girls that were taller than me that i've met in person that they've all told me like i would never date you on an app because you're outside of my parameters but if you meet them in person meeting in person is

really i think going to be like if you really want to find somebody high quality i think that's going to be where you meet. Yeah. We judge people differently on an app. Like I always joke, no one walks into a party with their age on their forehead and their resume on their belly. Right. But yet someone online, we're vetting people so hard. We're looking for that, those qualities in a very like resume type of way. But in real life, we don't do that. And so to your point like that,

and that's why it's so important. I will end with this. There's not one solution here, right? There's not the perfect place to meet somebody. Again, I go back to the skills. We can't change other people. We can't change what's around us, but we can change aspects about us to get a different result. And that's all you have control over. And if your thing isn't working for you, that means you have to change something. And so mine was that I was a hot mess.

I had to lean into the discomfort of having that red dress moment. And think about for you, you listening, what is uncomfortable for you? And if it says that it's really uncomfortable to you, that probably means you need to lean into it. And it's probably something that you need to learn in order to get what you want. I 100% agree. If you lean into where you're uncomfortable, you will see growth, which will equal change.

And you knew that from the very beginning. Kimmy, I want to say thank you so much for coming on. To those of you guys listening, if you want access to the flirt quiz or workshops or her retreats, it's linked down in the show notes below, KimmySeltzer.com slash now. Kimmy, thanks for coming on. You've been a fantastic guest. I always love chatting with you. Oh my God. Likewise. We could go on and on. Thanks for having me. No problem. To everybody else out there until next time, take action,

change lives and make money. We'll see you soon.