Q&A | Is There Such a Thing as Complicated Grief?

 Victoria: This episode is sponsored by Do Grief Differently. My twelve-week in person or online program that helps grieving who have suffered any type of loss to feel better. In Do Grief Differently, you learn new tools, education, and a method you can utilize for the rest of your life. In this program and with my guidance, you remove the pain of grief. The sadness will always be there because even in complicated relationships, we love, but it's the pain of grief that keeps us stuck. Are you ready to do grief differently? Check out my website www.theunleashedheart.com to learn more.

Victoria: Hello. Hello. Thank you for tuning in to another episode of Grieving Voices if you've listened before. But if this is your first time listening. Thank you for being here, and I hope you come back again.

Victoria:  Today, I want to answer a question that was asked by someone who would like to remain anonymous, but I want to answer the question as just a general grief one zero one type question. And the question is, is there such a thing as complicated grief?

Victoria: And if you've been following or listening to what I've been sharing over the years, you know that I don't use the phrase complicated grief or complicated bereavement. Although that language is getting more and more common, It's not really a language that an advanced grief recovery specialist has been trained to use or that the Great Recovery Institute encourages that we use because we don't feel and I don't feel that there is really such a thing. Although there will be many who probably disagree, but as a grief recovery specialist and being trained from the grief recovery institute, in the evidence-based program that I do facilitate, we believe that all grief is experienced at one hundred percent that there are no half grievers and anything that compares or ranks grief is incorrect and possibly dangerous to the griever.

Victoria:  So the phrase complicated grief in quotations is comparative from the outset as it indicates there must be also uncomplicated grief. So what we believe is that if you don't address the unfinished emotional business that exists in all of your relationships, good, bad, and sometimes ugly, then what is incomplete, stays unresolved.

Victoria:  And if you've listened long enough, you'll know that one of the myths of grief is that time heals all wounds. And since time can't heal emotional wounds, it only gets worse. Not because it's complicated, but because it's not attended to, it's not being addressed. And the best way to understand it is to think of a cut finger. If you don't clean it, it will become infected and you'll have a bigger problem. The original cut was not complicated. Rather, it became compromised by a lack of proper cleaning and care. And the same is true for grief.

Victoria: So what we would say is that unresolved grief is cumulative and cumulatively negative. And since time can't heal emotional wounds, unattended grief can only get worse. Being robbed example of the chance to say goodbye if that was the circumstance or if you choose not to say goodbye for other reasons to someone who is who is passing could cause the undelivered emotional communication to be buried out of sight and therefore remain incomplete. It doesn't really get complicated. It just remains unfinished. And that can become a bigger problem just like the cut I was describing. When only one or only a few elements of the relationship remain incomplete. It tends to keep the entire relationship unfinished. And that's what might appear to be a complication. But it's really a lack of helpful action compounded over a long period of time. So the principles and actions of grief recovery are predicated on the idea that when someone dies, there will inevitably be some things we wish had been different, better, or more and there will always be unrealized, hopes, dreams, and expectations for the future.

Victoria:  That's true in the best of relationships as well as the worst in everything in between. So as you take the actions of grief recovery, For example, you'll make many discoveries other than just the missing goodbye within your relationship with the person who died so long ago. So if you want a resource to learn more about this, I highly recommend you pick up the book, the grief recovery handbook, and you'll learn all about this and then some and more, but know that because I tried this myself,  you can read the book and you can learn the principles and but you really do need a heart with years. You need someone who is trained to facilitate the program. But working through the steps, in the book, you will probably discover a lot more about your losses and about the incompleteness of your relationships by just reading that book and going through some of the steps. But it's those actions that you take that help you to resolve what is incomplete for your relationships.

Victoria: The book will teach you what is left unfinished, what is unsaid or not done, and I might be biased. I am biased, but it is the most effective way to process grief is through evidence-based programs through the Great Recovery Institute as in the Great Recovery method that I facilitate through my program Do Grief Differently, which I have shared with you before in previous episodes. You can find more information on my website. But in a nutshell, no, there is no such thing as complicated grief. We all grieve at a hundred percent, and it's really the compounding of loss and the incompleteness that we feel within our relationships whether the person was loving or whether it was an unloving relationship, we still have incompleteness sometimes. Things that we wish would have been different, better, or more, things that we wish we could have said, all of that. That's what emotionally we tend to hold on to. And so I encourage you to pick up the grief recovery handbook to learn more about this.

Victoria:  And I hope this was helpful and you understand why we don't use the word complicated grief. In the language because it really is not helpful to laborers. And it's not helpful to you as a graver either. So Thank you so much for listening to this quick and dirty Q and A for this week. I wish you a wonderful week ahead. And I hope you tune in again in the future. And remember, when you unleash your heart, you unleash your life. Much love.