Q&A | Is Closure Possible?

Victoria Volk  0:08  
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Victoria Volk  1:37
Hello, hello, thank you for joining me on grieving voices. And today I'm bringing you a q&a question. So let's get right to it. A Beth writes, when someone experiences the loss of a loved one. In a quick or unexpected manner. I often hear people say they need or want closure. Is closure even possible. Something about the word itself doesn't feel right. And I'm curious what your take is on it. Well, thank you, Beth, for the question. And it is a very important one. And actually, I It's a very timely one too, because I was listening to a true crime podcast episode. And the host was actually even talking about closure, and how the word doesn't sit right with Him. And so I felt like it was an important thing to talk about anyway. And so thank you for bringing the question to my attention to do a podcast episode on it. The thing to keep in mind is the relationship with the person who passed away. And so if you're an outsider looking in, you may not know all the details of that relationship. And you might have your perception of it. But we often don't know the details of other people's relationships, how rich they were, or how good they were, or maybe the negative aspects too, we often don't hear those things. But regardless, as an outsider looking in, at other relationships, just keep in mind that you never really truly know the depths of other people's relationships.

Victoria Volk  3:22
So often, too, we think about the lifetime of events, with emotions that are attached that have affected you. And the longer the relationship, of course, the more events and the more experiences and the more memories that you've made with that person. And there are emotions that are attached to those that will affect you, not just the circumstances or the speed at which that loved one has passed away. So we often focus on the end of the relationship and we do lose sight of the whole relationship. And so this word closure is unhelpful and inaccurate word because closure implies the end of a relationship and what people learn, going through my program do grieve differently or just if you've listened long enough to my podcast, or you've read anything I've written, the relationship continues, even though a person has died, there is the physical relationship dies with that person, but the emotional and spiritual relationship continues. And so rather than looking at needing closure, instead think about needing to become emotionally complete.

Victoria Volk  4:50
And especially in circumstances where the person passes unexpectedly or tragically or Maybe even they went missing, right murder, homicide, they go missing, they get a diagnosis and quickly decline, like, there are so many different circumstances that cause unexpected, or, you know, unexpected loss or death. And so we often don't get that opportunity, like you may be would if someone who has a terminal illness who everyone is aware that that person is passing, or it will pass. And they're in hospice care, and you have an opportunity to become emotionally complete with that person while they're still alive. Is that the time to do so? Not necessarily. I mean, I could say a lot about this, just because I had my own personal experience, where I could have used that time to unleash my fury and my rage and my anger and, and all of the things that upset me, throughout my life, however, when I was faced with that decision, and went to see that person, which, initially to surprise me, because I didn't have malice in my heart, when I found out that they were dying. I felt like I needed to go see them, because not for myself. But for them. It was a very interesting dichotomy. Because inside I, you know, I was still hurt little girl. But I also recognize the importance and the gravity of that decision to show up with love and compassion, rather than with anger, and anger, and rage, because I didn't feel that I felt hurt. You know, and oftentimes, anger and rage is really just masks. It's a mask we wear for hurt and pain. And so that's just my personal example of working to become emotionally complete, but I did that long after, right? So it was kind of interesting how I can look back at that time now. And my approach was unexpected, even for myself. And so I just challenge you to think about what you are emotionally in complete with, when it comes to any relationship in your life. And realize that you don't have to confront anybody, you don't have to have the difficult conversations while they're alive, or, you know, if you have that opportunity, such as the case with terminal illness, or if you don't have that opportunity, in an instance of unexpected death, you can still become emotionally complete with that person after they have died by going through, do grief differently, the 12-week program that I offer, or in a group program setting. So let's quit saying the word closure. And let's speak the truth about what we really are looking for, is to become emotionally complete. Because the word closure is not helpful. And let's start changing that language for progress, and changing that language to what the truth really is, of what we're really looking for. And what we're really what are hurt really needs.

Victoria Volk  8:38
This was a really quick episode, but I feel like it was an important one to make the distinction between closure and becoming emotionally complete, because it's a myth and it's misunderstood. It's one of those things about grief. That's really misunderstood. And so, thank you for listening. And if you found this helpful, I hope you share it with someone you know or love. And remember, when you unleash your heart, you unleash your life. Much love.