#169 It would be hating you if I didn’t say this

first one that we're doing in the new year. Well, I mean this with me. This is episode number one hundred and six sixty nine. Dude, you've done one hundred and sixty nine of these things. Yeah, you are getting old, so that's a long time of doing these things. Man. It is great for real and you. This is Bernie Calcote. He's been a guest on this podcast. Probably fifty of those. Forty of those, I have no idea. We'd have to

count it up. But one of my favorite guests. I've always hesitate to say my favorite guest because you know, I got brothers and pastor Chad. Gotta love those guys. Too. Yeah, for sure. Well, it's an honor to be here. Guys. Love you, love your fans, and love the opportunity just to sit in chat like we're driving down the road and pick up talking about life. That's exactly what we do. We answer your questions. If you have a question, email Grangersmith podcast at gmail dot com and we'll just get

to it. We'll talk about it long form. Not always right about everything, but we'll talk about it like we're just buddies. We'll talk about it like we're right, but it doesn't necessarily mean we are all right. First question here, I'm gonna hit this one right here. I just randomly hit this in the inbox. It says is it worth it? Email says hey Granger my name is Brady. I'm a small town called Gilliford, Indiana, near Lawrenceburg, Indiana, where you

played a show not too long ago. First off, I want to say I listened to the podcast every Monday while I'm at work and it's helped me through a lot. I'm seventeen, I'm a senior in high school. I enlisted in the Army back in March. When I was enlisted, I was in a relationship that I recently ended after a year and a half. The reason I broke it off was because she was worried that she was going to cheat on me when I leave for Basic training in June of twenty twenty three and won't be back

until December of twenty twenty three. Sorry for kind of chuggling there. My question is is it worth getting into another relationship before Basic or should I wait till laughter. I started talking to my biggest high school crush, but I'm not sure if what she thinks about me. I've tried talking to God about this, but God never answered the phone. Just kidding, he said, but I haven't found an answer. Any advice is appreciated, Bernie. Before we say anything,

I'm switching this. I'm making this question come from Boston, your son, who is twelve. Okay, we did this on the last episode. Now Boston is now Brady. Yeah, this is five years from now. Yeah, he's going into the army. He says. Dad, I just got out of this relationship. The girl dumped me, and I'm wondering, Dad, should I get into another relationship right now or just wait till

go to Basic training. Okay, Boston, whenever you were first telling me this, it sounded like y'all broke up because she was afraid she was gonna cheat on you when you were gone for basic training. Is that right? Yeah, but that's another girl, Okay, but you're not with her anymore. She's gone. Okay, just making sure because we had to take care of that first son. I love you, and

ultimately I'm gonna support you no matter what. But I hope that you just can be seventeen and you're about to leave, and you know, let's go like kick the soccer ball around and go fishing and like play with your family, and like there's gonna be many girls down the road, and you're gonna meet people in the military that you know, you click with and have those opportunities.

But for now, I would just like say, nah, yeah, And if you knew, I understand like putting this in the context of my son, but like you know, Boston, this is the last conversation he's gonna have with me. He's gonna be like, Dad, I'm ready for the military. I'm focused. Yeah, I'm not getting distracted by anything. So yeah, Brady.

The unanimous answer from me and Bernie and every single person listening and all of your friends and your parents and everyone around you is No, you should not get into a relationship before basic training, especially for what it sounds like just to get into a relationship. You're just you sound like someone that's like, well, I need to check a box, like I'm supposed to be in a relationship.

Should I check that box now or wait till after? Yeah, you sound like somebody's seventeen and right, we were seventeen and we were so dumb. And I'm not saying you are. I was, but there's a good chance that you might be. So just let the girls go focus on being seventeen and having fun now and like enjoy being young, because man, it goes like that. I'm not sure that you're dumb, but there's a chance that you might be. I think that's what you said, and make that put that on

a T shirt, all right? Yeah, Brady, don't get to stay single going going to the army. Now, here's the thing, the last thing I'll say before we beat this dead horse in the army. Especially if you deploy, you're gonna start feeling lonely and you're gonna start thinking about this high score girl and she's gonna get prettier in your mind, and prittier and prillier and cooler and nicer and sweeter

until she's like the greatest girl on the planet Earth. Okay, just know that going in that you're gonna feel loneliness. You're gonna feel like you need somebody. But man, seek wise counsel of guys in the army ahead of you. They will tell you how big divorce is because of that feeling. Because that feeling to get into a relationship. And then the second step is I better marry her now before I deployed it to wherever. And then you get married, and then you have a baby right before

you leave. Then you're gone for sixteen months, and then you come back and the baby's born and growing and she doesn't love you anymore because you're never there. This is a thing, and wise counsel from other guys in the army could really help you. Let's say another one. Subjecon says need guidance. I want to start off by saying thank you, Granger for everything you do. My name is Tyler. I'm twenty one from a small town called Monroe, Washington,

currently working as a heavy equipment operator. But my dream job is law enforcement. That's why I'm messaging you. Recently, while listening to your podcas Cast at work, which helps me get over the Monday blues, I realized I've gone down the path of alcoholism. I'm addicted to nicotine. I've lost touch with my faith, and I'm I've never been a good reader. I do listen to an audio version of the Bible. I got a tattoo with Galatians two twenty.

It's a reminder every day of who I was. How do I quit my ways of bad habits and reunite with God and strengthen my connection. I've tried reaching out to my elders in church, but it's just hard with my schedule. Any suggestions. That question took a turn that I didn't think it was going to take. There's a picture of his tattoo here on the But yeah is Galatians two twenty before I'm crucified with Christ, and yeah, I live not I, but Christ lives with me? Is

that I think? So? Okay, maybe y'all correct me if that's not top of my hand. If that is it, then it kind of contradicts what the last thing that he said, let's look, which was being busy with his schedule. Yeah, well, I've been crucified with Christ. It is no longer I who live, but Christ lives in me in my life, which I now live in the flesh. I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me. But what he's saying is he got that tattoo to remind him of who he was,

as if that used to be him, but not him anymore. Yeah, Okay, where do I start because this is tooking. This took a turn because you were like your heavy equipment operator. Your dream job is law enforcement, that's why you're messaging the podcast, and then you realize you're in alcoholism, in nicotine and you've lost faith. But what does that have

to do with the dream job as law enforcement? Maybe he I mean because the email title says need guidance, and maybe he's like, Hey, this is the path I'm on, this is where I want to go. These are the things that I do believe. I believe them so much I put them on my body, Like how do I course correct If I'm kind of understanding and tracking with you, I feel like that's the guidance that you're looking for. So what I'm seeing here, you're just kind of wanting

to restart on life. You're wanting to get a new job, which is your dream job. You're wanting to quit alcohol, nicotine, and renew your faith, and you're asking us guidance on how to kind of rekindle this new start. He said something at the end about schedule though, can you read that part again? Which is interesting. I saw that too. I've tried reaching out to my elders in my church,

but it's just hard with my schedule. Okay, So I remember you've talked about this many times on this podcast, you did a sermon about it, you talked about it at the movie premiere. There's this word that people in our culture just really don't like, and that word is surrender. And that's honestly what you tattooed on your body, Like I'm crucified with Christ, and yet I live not I but Christ in me, Like you have surrendered your life, or you did at one point, And let me just

empathize a bit with you. We understand that life can just feel overwhelming. It it it can feel like a struggle, and there's just a lot of suffering and hurt and brokenness. In our world. So we're not taking that out of this conversation. But if you're looking for guidance, the first thing you have to do is make room in your schedule to meet with the elders of your church. Make room in your schedule for God's words to really start

to like be what has your attention. If that's first and foremost, I promise you, and I know grant you will say the same thing. The path that you're supposed to be on, the good works that He prepared for you before the foundation of the earth, you will see what those are to walk in those It may be in law enforcement, it may be in something you have no idea. That's the adventure of this faith is that we are surrendering. I think there's a lack of surrender.

I think when that comes in, you're gonna have to look into also some therapy, some substance abuse support. There's some counseling and other support that you're gonna need. But I really think that it comes down to that word of surrender, which is you know, it kind of makes us cringe a little bit, but I think that's where

this is going to start for this fellow. Yeah, and so I want to kind of break this down, take a little time on this question with you, because I think a lot of people listening probably there's probably at least one or two things in here that they could relate to. So let's break this whole thing down. And I'd love to start with what Bernie had instantly heard about the schedule thing. I'm a firm believer that you could always tell how badly someone wants something by the

result of that thing in their life. So like someone says my number one goal, like all I want is to be a good father, But if they're not being a good father, then you go, well, you don't really want to then, And so when you say I really want this, stranger, I really want to change my life,

and I'm really wanting to meet with my elders. And then you turn around and say, but it's just hard with my schedule, then I would say back to you, then, brother, you don't really want to meet with your elders, because if you did, that would be the priority. And you're like, grangeer, you don't understand my schedule. With my heavy equipment, I got a lot of work. And I'm like, then you don't want this new life bad enough, okay, And I

could see another example of that. You say, I want to read the Bible, I want to renew my faith, but I've never been a good reader. I would say, then learn how to read, try to read harder prays. That's a good prayer. That's a good prayer, Like God, I'm not a big I don't feel like I'm a big reader. Hey, I'm not either, Like reading is not a first Like I wasn't born with the ability to just pick up a book and read, and some people are. I'm a guy that's had to learn the art of that,

the craft of that. I've had to force myself to sit down and be undistracted. And that's a good prayer for you, Like Gotta, I want to read your word, but I'm not. I'm not interested. I'm not a good reader. So enlighten me so that I want to read more. Help me have patience. Set small goals for yourself, like I'm going to read one chapter one that's it. So small goals. And then something I want to talk to

you about, Bernie, how do you and your personality? Cause everyone deals with addiction in different ways or bad habits, breaking bad habits or bad addictions. Everyone deals with that in different ways. So how do you deal with breaking a bad habit? I think first you have to be self aware? You you yes, okay, Okay, So I have to be I have to be aware, and luckily I have a beautiful wife that can help me be aware

of some of these bad habits. But you have to really be self aware enough to I have to be self aware enough to accept them, like, Hey, this is a bad habit. This is causing destruction in my life. It's not healthy, it's not biblical, it's not beneficial. And I have to have that conviction. So conviction has to be the first thing for me that this has to change. I think that if you can, if I have like let's just say flossing, Okay, that was something I never did.

Dennis said, you need to do this. Have you heard of keystone habits? Yeah, okay, okay, So attaching something like that to something else, and it can it can be the same thing. If I'm trying to break a habit, I have to form like a keystone habit that will help me replace that thing and then from there, and that can be a small thing, that can be something really small. Hey, I'm gonna get out and I'm gonna run three miles this morning. Okay, you know for some people,

well that's a lot somebody small. I'm gonna get out and I'm gonna do this, and then from that I can start to attach different habits to that keystone habit that then will basically just like take the attention from me focusing on the bad habit and like I can't do that. I can't. It's like, this is what I'm into, this is what I'm focused on. And I think that over time, I think you start to build. And maybe I don't know if this is true, for it's been

true in my life. I think that over time, the the understanding of habit forming and how to break habits and and form habits has become a little bit easier. So there's some things that you know, for me now it's like, oh, I'm gonna start doing that. I start doing it, and I haven't stopped for the last sixty six days. But cold Turkey, if you would have asked me that, you know, ten years ago, there's no way.

So it's it's like you've always said, you have to start with small goals and then just kind of build and build and build. So yeah, so what being aware of it? That's not that's first. Let me tell you something. And Tyler, you're the alcohol especially down the path of alcoholism. That sounds like you're you're you're pretty consistent with it. That's going to lead to a lot, a lot of

bad things. That's gonna lead you to losing your dream job at law enforcement for sure, possibly losing your current job at heavy Equipment, which sounds like a great pay and gig. And it's definitely gonna be very destructive in your path. Talking to your elders, You're gonna feel a shamed, You're gonna feel not worthy. It's gonna it's gonna create all kinds of problems. Now connected to that is your addiction to nicotine. Those things, those two things are directly connected.

This is how it works. Either either one one's gonna spur the other. So either your nicotine when you're having your fix, cigarettes, vape, or chew, you're gonna think to yourself, I need to drink. I need to drink. I'm a little edgy. I need to drink to just calm things down. And the same works the other way. You're gonna have a few drinks and you go, I need to dip. I've got a few drinks in me. I'm gonna have dip. So those two things are connected. You're gonna have to

attack one or the other. The reason I asked Bernie that question is because I liked turkey. But it takes I don't I don't mean to sound self righteous at all, but it takes self discipline to just be like, I'm not touching it now. Bernie's on a great point that you need to replace it with something, and so the alcohol, you could replace it with doctor pepper. It's not a good alternative because it's got so much sugar in it, but it's something or Coke zero or something that's liquid

that you drink. You could do that. Somebody would suggest you avoid places with alcohol, so you're not gonna go eat at the bar at Chili's when the bartenders like, you want anything to drink, and it's right there, it's like might as well. So you're gonna avoid those kind of places. You're gonna avoid people that are socially drinking with you. So it's like, hey, Tyler, same drink we

always have together, buddy. It's very it's much more difficult to be like, actually I'm trying to slow down on alcohol. It's like, come on, man, just this once. It's harder. So you've got to set those boundaries at the very beginning. Then the nicotine thing is much easier. And I actually went through this recently. I was doing those Velo pouches because that's what it ended up being for me, which is nicotine, and I was thinking with it. It helped

my brain. It helped me with doing radio until I realized, like, this can't it says in the box, like not going to cause cancer or whatever, but I'm just thinking this's gotta be bad for me, Like this can't be good for me. No one really knows what this stuff's doing. So I decided a while back that I'm just gonna stop, completely stop. And once again it was a cold turkey thing. Now, how how do I help myself with cold turkey? I got.

I threw away everything in my house, in my car and my bus that was those pouches so that I wouldn't have an idea that I might want to grab another one. Then I replaced it instantly with gum. So I started chewing like watermelon gum and every time I had a feeling like I want one of those pouches. I popped a piece of gum, and over time, I think they say, like twenty one days you could break a habit like that, and when you break that, the alcohol habit is going to follow if you're staying away.

So this is a long, really long answer, but I think it's important for a lot of people to hear that you don't have to take everything at once and just go I'm gonna meet I'm gonna meet with my elders, I'm gonna renew my faith, I'm gonna read my Bible. I'm gonna quit cigarettes and vape and chew and stop drinking. Like that's too much, you can't do it. So start small.

Go to the gas station today and get you some watermelon bubble gum and go, okay, here we go, tiny tiny steps, aim low, and the next time you want a cigarette, put in that watermelon bubble gum. It's a tiny step, but that's a small victory, and these small victories will build the confidence up. Your buddy calls and says, hey, you want to eat at Chili's, and you go, I'll go, but I'm getting a booth in the back. I'm not sitting at the bar like I did. Why. I'm trying

to cut down alcohol. I got a dream job coming up of law enforcement, and I'm trying to better myself. These are small steps. All that gives you the confidence then to clear your schedule and go talk to an elder and go look, these are the steps I'm taking. I want to talk to you about this. I want to read more in my Bible. I want I want to figure out this thing because I crave it and I miss it. Look at this tattoo on me. This is something I want in my life. And here's the steps. Look,

here's my watermelon bubblegum I got in my pocket. This is what I'm doing. And the Elder's like, You've come to the right place. Yeah, that's great man, great answer. Yeah, focus on progress not perfection. Let's take a break, give yourself some grace. There. Welcome to twenty twenty three. You all the very first podcasts of the year. Hey, thank you so much for supporting me Granger in all these

years of the podcast. The people that have listened the longest and the people that are brand new to it and have seen it evolve over time. Thank you so much. If you have suggestions on what you want to see this podcast do in twenty twenty three, hit me up on Instagram, go to my latest post and say, hey man, just listen to your podcast and I got some ideas for you for twenty twenty three. You want me to keep on answering your questions, you want to hear more guests.

I'd love to hear your ideas, and once again, just thank you so much for being a part of this journey with me. Back to the podcast. All right, we're back, pulling up another email if you want to email me, by the way, email Grangersmith Podcast at gmail dot com. Got my great buddy Bernie Calcote, a long time guest on this podcast. I'll be here many times in twenty twenty three. Lord willing, yep, I'll hold you to it all right. Next question religion. That word dom dominus dom

ominous word of religion. It says, please withhold my last name from anything online. Peter. I'm thirty four. I'm from Maine. Good morning. Prior to twenty twenty, I hadn't really been very religious. My mother has always said I'm an Anglo Catholic, but I never went to church unless it was a wedding or a funeral after twenty twenty, I just had a strong feeling of a needing to be part of a faith or a community. I've taken some silly what is your Religion? Test online, but none of the answers

are consistent. How would you find which religion best suit you? Thank you, Peter, Oh, Peter, great question, bro. I'm so glad you came to this podcast with your question and with your name Peter uh thirty four shout out to Maine. I think it's a great question. And and I'm I don't know if you're gonna expect what me and Bernie are gonna say, but either way, I I don't even know what I'm gonna say. So you go. First, I

just hope you're I hope you're listening. And first of all, let's define religion, okay, and and we'll explain your your longing for it and ironically what you said. I I just have a strong feeling to be part of a faith or community. And that's just man such human nature. We're we are just community creatures. We we crave family and community and friends and common common ideas and common hopes.

And common dreams and common enemies, and because we're tribal and and we we always have divided up into tribes. We've always done that since the beginning, just the way that we're created. And so we not only like common dreams and hopes and aspirations and missions and battles, but we also like common enemies and common adversaries and common things that we like to avoid because we just kind of pack animals, you know, we're tribal creatures, and so

what you're saying is normal. I'm affirming what you're feeling is normal. It's not strange. This is this completely rebukes evolution, because no evolved creature, an accident pond scum would have this strange need to be in community and to want something like some people say a higher power or something that we could worship, because we're just made to worship something, whether it's Elvis or Aliens or Donald Trump, or a god or a Golden Calf or or a Tom Cruise.

We we we were just or a soccer player. As we've seen a wide range. I'm just thinking of everything. I'm thinking of everything, or or AI or Armageddon like or zombies like we we just want something to worship and we crave it. And everyone worships something or wants to, whether they admit it or not. You just just a small diagnosis of any human on the planet. Oh yeah, they're worshiping something. So you're normal. Welcome to the crew. You are a human. We've checked your pulse. Now let's

dive into what is religion. Well, religion is man made and it is it is the way that we come together to worship something and we create a way two for us to honorably worship that thing, whether it's a World Cup soccer game, and you wear let's all wear these clothes, and let's do this hand signal, and let's chant this, and then we'll do you know, we'll all get together and we'll build the statue and we'll do this.

That's essentially religion. What I'm trying to do. I'm trying to do my best at separating a relationship with Jesus Christ from everything else that I've been saying for the last three or four minutes. Religion, worshiping higher power, the man upstairs, aliens, God, a God, a lowercase G God. I'm trying to separate all that from the only way, the way that you were intended to worship the way that you were intent you created to love and yearn and adore and have joy and have hope. In is

your creator. The only thing, the only entity, the only being that you need to worship, is the one that made you with the desire to worship. Yeah, it's good. So all those first things that you listed, I think here, like this is what I'm kind of hearing from you, Like all of those things that you first listed are really focused on making us happy. Yes, they are tools in order to make us happy. We do these things.

And the difference when Jesus comes onto the scene is he says, I actually am not here to make you happy. I'm here to make you holy and worship me because that is what you were created to do. So we have this decision to make do we believe that he is worthy? All everything on that other side and you taking these tests, it's like you're you're you're actually seeking something and its happiness. Like, Okay, this thing. Maybe I was, you know, a huge Brazil fan in the World Cup

and they fail. My soccer team failed me, that religion failed me. So I'm gonna go to this girl and no, that's fail. So now it's like faith. I feel I feel like I need to I need to fill this to make me happy. I need to find a religion that's gonna make me happy, it's the best fit for me, but satisfy this yearning inside me. But you you have to like understand the context of your question when you come to Jesus. He's not gonna say I fit you,

I'm I'm gonna make you happy. He's gonna say I don't need you as if you know, got to serve by and hands alone. But he gives to all things life, breath and everything. I don't need you, but you need me, and you were designed to give me everything. And if you if you decide that you feel that tug in your heart like that's that's it. My eyes are open and that's it. Then everything that you've wanted in that and seeking happiness and that contentment and that security and

that satisfaction that will all be found in him. It'll just be very different than maybe the way you're viewing it right now. I don't know how totally. So now what I want to do. Now we've like come in with like light gloves. Let's just let's get a sword out and let's start breaking some stuff. Okay, Like, let's just go at it with the sword and smash. Okay, Granger, are you saying that Jesus is the only true religion? How could you say that? Sounds so arrogant. Let me

answer that question, that hypothetical. Every religion, all of them, are going to say that they're the only way. Okay. So first of all, I'm not going against anyone. I'm going against everyone when I say, when I say something like that, Islam, Hindu, Buddhists, they're all going to say that their way, their way is the right way. They come across on paper like they're all inclusive. But no religion is inclusive. And so I would say. Jesus says,

I am the Way, the Truth, and the life. No one comes to the Father, which means no one goes to heaven. But through me, that's what he's saying. We all are here comes the sword. We all are our eternal beings. We have two destinations, Heaven or Hell. We're going all of us are going to one of two places. Jesus is the only way to go to heaven. That's

what the Bible says. Now, this is a subject that's not often put on social media because people these day feel so sensitive about putting that out into the world because they're like, oh, that sounds so exclusive, Like you know, I don't want to make anybody mad. Well, I don't have to make anybody mad. I'm just I'm repeating what the Bible already says, and that's what I believe. So then you're like, well, how do you believe that over the other ones? I would say a great question. So

I would start researching. If I were you, Peter, I would research your name. First of all, where did your name come from? Very interesting too. I would take a deep dive on Jesus and the god of Israel Yahweh. I would do a deep dive on who Yahweh is, Where did he come from, Where does his story begin, Why do people know him? What does the Bible say about him? I would take a deep dive, and then I would start contrasting that on the other world religions, and then take a look at that and put all

the facts in front of you. Seek and you will find knocking. The door will be opened. But Jesus, you need to know he's not including everyone. He's saying I am very exclusive. You have to come to me, you have to come through me. You have to ask from me. No one will else will get in. I am the door, I am the way. What way? What way? To Heaven? Me through me? That's what he says. So you could tell, as I'm building your question, this is much more than

what religion should make us happy. Like Bernie said, like, yeah, I'm gonna use some a line from one of your songs and forgive me, I don't remember which one it is, but if it's if it comes easy, it won't last. Shoot, now I'm having a I had it in my head. Okay, well what's the line says? It's basically the inverse of that. Yeah, yeah, yeah, it's if it comes easy, won't last. If it lasts, it don't come come easy. That's it. Yeah. Okay, so what he's talking about, I swear I'm a fan died.

So what you're talking about is not easy. If you're looking for a computer system to tell you which your religion, which seems very easy, it's not going to last. Whatever you're going to come up with, even if it's Christianity or whatever, it's just not going to last. Like what Granger is asking of you is to give you something that will last. And so just know that it's not

going to come easy. But if if you really want this, I just challenge you to do what he's saying, like dig into this, like this is actually eternity for you. So it's worth your time. It's a great way to start twenty twenty three with this kind of question. Just in case any of you guys wonder why I do this, In case you wonder why Bernie drives an hour during the middle of his day on a busy day when he has stuff to do, why he drives over here to this podcast, and why I do it every single Monday.

It's it's not because it's a job or a career or a platform builder or a fan grab. I'm trying to tell you, Peter, that when you ask about religion, I'm trying to tell you what the Bible really says. Inside this book, it says that if you don't go to Jesus, you're not gonna make it. You will not make it. It's this is life or death. It's not happiness or sadness. This isn't a pick me up. This is life or death. So I get on here in this podcast and I say stuff like this, and I

lace it with a lot of questions about relationships. But the true fact of the matter is I want you to know desperately the difference between life and death is Jesus. You can call me wrong, you can call me a bigot, you can call me false, you can try to cancel me. I am not giving any new information. I'm telling you information that comes straight for the Bible that I have experienced wholeheartedly with my entire being and has saved my life. And y'all have seen a drastic change in my life

on in my in my public stance. That's it. That is it. Yeah, So I would say, not just for Peter, but beginning of the year, there's probably a lot of let's just like take this and consider this for other Christian believers out there, Like what do you believe? And why do you believe that? Why? Why do you just trust what Granger says because he has a platform and a cool TikTok? Why do you just believe what the

pastor at your church says? Like, I promise you there's so much more to seeking you will find than Oh I just found Jesus and he's it. Now, no, the depths of this, like we haven't even scratched the surface. I feel like the older I get, I realize I know nothing, Like I know nothing. I am constantly wrestling with Well, why do I believe that? Where did that come from? What history does that have behind it? Like? What authority was that under? Like this is a good

time to wrestle with those things? And I promise you, I mean, the name God's Chosen People Israel means to wrestle with God. Like, guys, what if this is a year you just wrestle, You don't take the easy like, oh yeah, I'm a Christian and I go to church on Sundays and you know that's good, you know hee what he said, Oh yeah, I'm gonna like that. What if we decided, man, let's just wrestle with this and it's it's like this, you know, like thing we get to just stretch open and look at and then it's

always gonna kind of like come back. So not just Peter, but all of us this year, what if we did that. Don't take my word for it, That's what Bertie's saying. Don't take our word for it. Yeah, don't don't believe me just because I say it, wrestle with it, dive into it. Uh. But but this is uh, this is a serious matter, and why do I do it? Like? Why do I Why would I care? I'd like to think that it's it's it's my responsibility, and I'd like to think that, Peter, I love you, man, because you're

one of my fans. You come, you come to me with a question, and it would be hate. It would be hating you. If I knew something and I believe something, whether you believed it or not, regardless of if you believed me or not, or anyone believed me, it would be hating you. If I believe something, it didn't tell you, right, that's yeah, that's good man. It should be a preacher. Whatnot? All right, let's hit let's hit another one here. My husband stays silent. Hey, Granger and friend or just granger.

You're lucky you got a friend. Please keep me anonymous. I'm from the Great Set of Utah. My husband and I have been married for three years. We have three kids. So far, it's been ups and downs and the twist and turns that are expected. My thought and question is this, when I'm going through a hard time, or just talking about things that are hard on me. My husband stays silent. There's no sympathy, empathy, or just a damn hug. I

understand he doesn't have anything to say. But I feel lonely and I'm resentful, and I don't feel like I can lean on him. I'm leaning on Christ and I feel my relationship with the Lord is on solid ground. I just don't have the cleave unto one another Genesis two twenty four, feeling. Before I got married, I was confident and comfortable by myself, but now that I'm married, I'm lonely and I feel worthless. I understand I can't change him. I'm just wondering if you have any other

ideas for me to strengthen my relationship. Thank you, anonymous. Thank you so much for trusting us with something so vulnerable, and I am here to tell you that you are not alone. There are a lot of people that feel this way. Probably a lot of people listening right now that feel like they're in your shoes. Some somebody had just echoed and said, that's my story. Thank you for asking the question, because this is the world we live in, and this is this what this happens so many times.

So thank you for being the voice of many and asking a very hard question. I'm gonna help the best I can. This is where I'm gonna lead you. You say I'm leaning on Christ, and I fill my relationship with the Lord's on solid crown, Jesus says to Peter, not the Peter that just asked the question. He says it to his disciple Peter. He says, do you love me feed my sheep? Do you love me feed my lambs?

He asked him this three times, and the way that he wanted an answer from Peter to prove his love was that he fed his sheep, meaning that he served his people. And so the answer, no matter how difficult, no matter how lonely, no matter how oppressed, the answer doesn't come from violence or sharp words, or divorce or other kinds of critical tactics. The answer biblically always comes through serving. And that is so hard because it sounds

so passive. Something that is that comes with such brunt force can appear to be so passive and weak, like serve. That's the answer, Granger, that's what you're gonna tell me to do. To my husband who just sits there on the couch and doesn't say anything, and I'm so angry with it. You're telling me serve him, and I'm saying, hey, there is something that we have no clue about in our DNA and our makeup that when we serve, it replenishes us in a completely selfish way. Like serving when

you go to a soup kitchen. You do it because originally you want to like help others, but you drive home and you're like, man, I feel awesome, I feel renewed, I feel my tank is full. We all know that feeling when you give a gift at Christmas, and you give that you give that person like it starts off as a self self less thing. You're like, look at this present I gave you, And then when they love it, you start filling up yourself and you're like, wow, that

almost felt better than me getting my own present. In fact, it that's the best part of Christmas. It's me feeling up. So my point is, when in doubt, serve, when you feel lonely, serve, how does that look? I would say, I would say you you you know his favorite meal and on a random day, you you you get in the kitchen and you make something. Now, this is. This

sounds so chauvinistic and so oppressive. I know how it sounds, but I would say the same thing for the husband, if he had to email me, I would say the same thing. Get in there and you just make this beautiful meal. And he comes in and he's like, what's the occasion, and you go, I just love you, and I'm just I just I appreciate you working so hard for me and the family. And inside you're like, no,

no way, no, I don't feel that way. I feel lonely and you're an idiot and you don't treat me right, and I'm gonna divorce you and other there's other men out there that would treat me so much better than you. Even though that's what you're screaming on the inside, on the outside, you serve, you serve, you serve, And although you can't control how he reacts to the serving, something begins to grow in you, something begins to restore and

rejuvenate inside you, and the loneliness starts fading away. I can't explain how, but I know it's true. Yeah that's good man, So running out of time. But the last thing I'll say to this question, I'll say what I said on the last podcast, because I think that this statement was just very impactful and true in my life. But gratitude is the front door to the house of grace. What you are needing for your husband is grace, to show him grace, and that's undeserved merit, you know, undeserved favor,

unmarrited favor. Like if he's just sitting there, he's not really engaging, like he doesn't deserve your grace and your love and your you serving him. But if you can somehow when those thoughts of resentment or bitterness or whatever those come in, if you can just somehow in your mind change the channel and switch those to gratitude and just go focus your attention back on some great time that you guys had together, some awesome time that he served you or made you feel loved or did listen

to you, and go back there. It's gonna like change the way that you start to respond to him. With grace, you're able to serve him and really feel it's genuine and there's just a lot of grace there. The last thing I'll say is just very practically, my wife and I did this. I'm sure that wherever you are there is some local church that's offering a program called Reengage. If you could somehow get your husband to commit to

do this, it's it's pretty awesome. It like it definitely changed Leslie and I's marriage for sure, and we had a pretty strong foundation. But it's for anybody in this kind of situation. In really dire situations, you know, a nine out of ten doesn't matter. You're going to start to like unpacked, unpacked reasons why he can't empathize, why he can't listen and respond in a way you want. It may not be about you, you're kind of making

it about you. There may be things about him that you don't know because you've never dove into his childhood. So if you can find and in this for any anybody out there, we highly recommend this. If you can find to re engage to get a part of you will know and understand your spouse so much better and hopefully that will be able to create better healthy environments for everybody. What they're going to tell you is you're

right both of your name and your spouse's name. On a piece of paper, You circle your name, and then you spend the next sixteen weeks working on the people inside the circle only, so if you go into it with that, maybe that can help your relationship. That was your question. So that's so good, and I'm so sorry Anonymous Hut. I wish that I hate this for you. I hate what you're going through. I wish it wasn't this way. I wish that so many people listening weren't

going through this. But I could just say, just hang on, hang in there. This is a season, and the season's going to pass. The answer is not divorce. The answer is not somebody else. The answer is staying there, gratitude, loving him, serving him, regardless of how he responds to it. That's right. And I want to say for the third time, this is not about some kind of strange chauvinism. I

would say the same thing to the man. If a man had emailed, I would say the same thing about him getting in there and making the meal and serving. I would say the same thing. Regardless of man or woman, we should serve each other, we should serve our kids. I would say, it's the same answer if you have a friend you're going through this with, or a parent, a dad, a mother, a child, a sibling, the same thing.

I would just say, serve them, served them selflessly. And although it might be difficult at first, you feel this growing tank as you start growing with gratitude and just starts spilling over. And then that breaks the curse, that breaks the bond of whatever he's going through, and he starts coming out of a shell because he's like, I just can't I can't deal with all this gratitude. This is amazing. Got to come out of my shell here,

but somebody's got to break it. If you nag him, if you ask him why he's so quiet, if you ask him why is not a better husband? If you make examples of other people that are better than him, it does not make it better. It just gets worse. Ye love you guys, See y'all next time. See you next Monday. Thanks for joining me on the granger Smith Podcast. I appreciate all of you guys. You could help me

out by rating this podcast on iTunes. If you're on YouTube, subscribe to this channel, hit that little like button and notification spell so that you never miss anytime I upload a video. If you have a question for me that you would like me to answer, email Grangersmith Podcast at gmail dot com. Yi