#151 A husband confesses his darkest secrets & dealing with PTSD

email me Grangersmith Podcast at gmail dot com. I put it in the queue and we get to it. It could be about anything. There are no rules. I ask two things. Guidelines don't ask the same thing twice, don't send multiple emails, and don't make it too much longer than the screen of your phone itself. Otherwise it's a little bit too long to read. In this kind of format, we'll talk about it long form, like we're sitting in a truck. You asked me a question. I'm not always right,

but I'll give you the best advice, like we're buddies. Okay, First question, cueued up. Subject line says, I don't know if my best friend wants me in her life. Dear Granger, love the music in the podcast, Please keep me Anonymous. My best friend and I have been hanging out consistently since last year, since we became extremely close. For the last month, she's become very distant and recently recognized it and said that she really doesn't want to hang out

with anybody at the moment. She seems like she's going through something but won't tell me and has only been contacting me recently when she needs my help. She's been questioning if she wants me in her life or not. I want her in and it's been killing me because we've been as close as we were over the past few years. I feel like she does. I feel like she does want me because I know the girl who is in there, and she's my best friend. I just want to find out a way to bring her back.

I'm a guy. By the way, it says, all right, thank you buddy, thanks, thanks for your email, Anonymous, and let's dive into this. So you have a really close friend, You're a guy. She's a girl, and she's been feeling distant. She's got something going on, and she says, I don't really know if I want to stay friends basically, but you think deep down she really does and she really wants you in her life, and so you're kind of projecting that, and then you say, according to your words,

I want her in my life. It's been killing me not to be as close as we were before. Then you go on to say I feel like she does too, because I know the girl who is my best friend is still in there. I just need to find a way to bring her back. All right, Interesting, this is this is yeah, this is fascinating stuff because I want to show you something. I want to show you that that true love in a friendship way in your situation,

would be completely selfless. But there are there are hints of your through your email, of you not being as selfless as you could be and leaning more on the scale of selfish. The reason is you're saying I want her in my life. It's killing me. She wants to have space. She says that she just needs to be alone and doesn't want to be close to anybody. But I wonder in my life. I wonder, I wonder, and it's killing me. That's interesting, right, if we put it

in that perspective. I'm not really exaggerating you got to admit those are your words. So I'm not totally dramatizing what this really is. But the truth is through love. If if you have a genuine, loving friendship of her, then you would say this. You would say, listen, I really like being around you. I get so much out of this friendship. But this is not about me. I want you to be happy. I want you to do

what's best for you. And if you say that you needed me alone, just hey, I'm not going to change my number. Here it is. You know how to find me, you know how to come to my house, you know where to reach me. But I'm going to back off because that's what you want. I'm going to listen to your wishes, but I just want to let you know that I'm here if you need me. Okay, I'm going to give you that space that you need. That's a

selfless conversation. That's difficult because the selfish side of you is like, no, I want you, I want you in my life. But I'm just saying this is what she wants. She doesn't really want to hang out with anybody at the moment, so let's give her that. Let's give her that space. We don't know why, and at some level it's just none of our business. I know that you

feel like you've earned it. You've earned through friendship a right to know what's going on and a right to speak into her life and a right to help her out. And she can't just come to you when she needs something. I know you feel like you've earned that, but this is her wishes, and all we could do is hope that she comes back one day and just says, you know what, thank you so much for giving me space.

That gave me time to clear my head and realize that you're a true friend, because a true friend would listen to my wishes and back off a little bit, and you did, and then I missed you, and then I wanted you back. This is your only move here, buddy.

Your only other option is borderline psychotic, like no, once you're my friend, always my friend, and I will hunt you down and tie you up and duct tape your face until you admit that you need me and I am your friend because it's killing me that you're not around. Like that's okay, I'm dramatized, but that's really the other

option that you're suggesting. Do nothing against you buddy, nothing against you at all, because I understand the feeling that you're having, But I just wanted to flip it and let you see in the mirror a little bit of what the situation is. Next question, subject line says betrayal. Hey Granger, I'm in a situation I thought i'd never be in. My husband and I have been together for five years, married for one year. Recently, my husband went to a men's conference with our church for the weekend.

When he came back, he dropped a few confessions on me. He told me that he lied about sleeping with someone that he was in contact with early in our relationship. He admitted to an addiction to pornography since before we met, and he admitted that he kissed, felt up flirted with another woman at his bachelor party two months before our wedding. All of these things are things that I had expressed and asked him about, and he lied to my face for years. I am angry. I feel betray I feel robbed.

Our vows were broken before I even met him, or before I even said them, and I have no desire to stay in this marriage or fight for it. I need an outside and objective perspective. I feel hopeless. I would like to remain anonymous. Okay, anonymous, you are going to get exactly what you ask for, an outside objective perspective. And this is what I'm gonna give to you because I don't know you, and you barely know me, and I have no reason to lead you astray or I I

have no reason to sugarcoat this. I have only one objective here, and that's to give you what I believe is the truth. And as I did in the last question, I want to take a mirror. I want to flip it around to you and your story, and I want you, I want you to gaze into this mirror for just a second. After that, it's completely up to you. But this is the perspective I want to give you. Think, let's unpack this for a second. First of all, First of all, let me start with this. I'm so sorry

that you're dealing with this because this is difficult. This is devastating, shattering stuff. Okay, So don't let's not lose that in this conversation that I'm about to have with you. Let's not lose the fact that this is just this is just this sucks, This is tough, for you. Okay, I hear, I hear you. I'm listening to what you're saying. But let me dive into what I think you need to hear right now. Your husband went to a men's conference with your church for the weekend, and he heard

some things in that message. He was around other men, wise men, probably good counsel men that he could confide in, and that they confided in him, and they shared in some things that you and I don't even know about. But what I think happened was, I think this was a very productive conference. And I love that he went there, and I love that he was around this wise counsel and I love that he had this epiphany in his life that he needed to bring the things that were

in the dark out to the light. He needed to shine a light on them because he couldn't hold him in the dark any longer. He had a couple skeletons in the closet and he wanted to clean that closet out, open the door, sweep it out, and show everyone around him that the closet is now clean. That's what he felt compelled to do. That only a men's conference with a good church and a bunch of good men, preaching the gospel, getting deep in the word that only that

kind of situation could do. So he comes and imagine, imagine how difficult it was for him to be at this conference and to be stirred so much and brought to tears and broken as a man, just broken all the way down to his core, facing the sin that

he's been hiding in the closet for years. And his heart's pounding, and he builds up the courage and he goes, I'm gonna, I'm gonna bring everything out into the light, and I'm gonna bring my wife in and because I love her so much, and because because I want to fight for this marriage, because I because I need this marriage so bad in my life. I'm gonna bring all this out and I'm gonna clean up, and I'm gonna get rid of this guilt, and I'm gonna forgive, and

I forgive myself and I'm gonna move on. I'm gonna learn from it. And so I'm driving home and I'm gonna go tell my wife and I'm just distraught about this, and I got tears in my eyes and my heart's pounding, and I've got goosebumps down my arms, and I come in and I dump this on my wife, and I know it's not gonna be easy for it he her to hear. He knows you, he knows this, it's gonna

be hard for you to hear it. And he pours it out, and the reaction he gets through this huge transformation, as you say, I have no desire to stay in this marriage or fight for it. You have broken vows with me that you cannot heal and I cannot forgive you of And because I will not and cannot forgive you of this, I went out. I want nothing to do with you. You animal, get away from me. I want nothing to do with you. I'd have no desire

to fight anymore. Now you see what happened, Like I flipped the mirror on you for a second, and I didn't tell you anything that wasn't exactly what you wrote in your email. That's what happened. So let me flip scenario a little bit on you. The stuff that happened in his past, the mistakes that he made, and yes they were mistakes. Those mistakes already happened. They happened before you knew about it. Nothing changed when he told you he didn't just do it. He didn't just manifest this.

It already was done when you said your vowels. You didn't even know it. And so now that you do, you're mad at him. So let me flip the scenario. The other scenario is he doesn't tell you. That's the easier thing to do. That's the easier thing for this husband to do is just keep it a secret, never say anything. How does that change it for you? Now? Not only did it still happen, but now he's lying about it and you don't even know about it. What's better? Now?

Maybe you're thinking, I just don't want him anyway? What's crazy about the whole thing? And I say this in love and I I'm just speaking the truth. The objective perspective you ask for what's crazy about it is are you perfect? Are you absolutely perfect in this marriage? Are you absolutely perfect in your life? Because you have no desire to forgive him, no desire to compromise or fight for the marriage? Does he deserve that? Are you perfect enough to be someone that can never forgive? Did you

know that you're forgiven? Did you know that God has forgiven you? Isn't that crazy? That's the story of the Gospel. All of us have fallen short of the glory of God. We're all since we were born. I mean, it's when we first talk. One of the first words we say is no rebellion. We are rebels by nature, and we try to hide it and we try to act. I know, I'm a good person. I'm a righteous person. I walk old ladies across the street. I mean genuinely, I'm pretty good. Like.

I do a couple bad things, but mostly I do good things and that should outweigh the bad. God says, no, you messed up, but I forgive you, and you're gonna look at God and say, yeah, thanks God. But I can't forgive my husband because he went to a church retreat, got with some good men, had some really good, difficult, stirring conversations, came back to me, pulled a few skeletons out of the closet, and I cannot forgive them. Man, I'm sorry. What does that say? What does that say

about you? You don't have to listen to me. You could just stop right Maybe you already stopped listening. You've been listening to this podcast for a long time, and then I got to you, and now you turned it off, and you're like, I'm done with this guy Granger. Maybe maybe someone else needs to hear it. Maybe someone that's not you Anonymous is listening and going ooh, that hits

close to home with me. Something to think about. What would it take for you to go to him today and say, I am so hurt by this betrayal, but I will not let this get in the way of our marriage because I forgive you, and I'm willing today to start again new with you, because I can't imagine how hard it was for you to tell me this after so many years, and then to hear me react the way I did, And I'm so sorry, and I forgive you and I love you, and I want to

start again. I want to start fresh with you right here today, on this day. I want to start fresh with you. What would he say to that? He would say, amen, thank God for this men's conference. But what do you think he's thinking right now? My life is falling apart because I tried to do the right thing. It's a lot to think about, but that is that's my objective perspective.

Let's hit another one, and the subject line is similar, So I don't know where this is going, but it says my husband's PTSD is ruining our marriage, So here we go again. Another wife says, hey, Granger, my husband has severe PTSD and anxiety depression from his traumatic childhood and three deployments to Iraq. We've been together for six and a half years, and as his mental health continues to decline, so does our marriage. He treats me awfully, and then a few hours later he says he's sorry

and that he can't control his anger. I don't feel like I can handle being his emotional punching bag anymore. We have two kids, and I'd feel so guilty leaving him for his mental health issues. He won't try therapy or stay on his medicine. What should I do? Okay? A question comes from Jocelyn and Jocelyn, thank you. Let me say this first. Let me start with this, thank

you for your service to this country. I don't know if anyone's told you that lately or ever, but wives, husbands, spouses of men and women that are deployed or have been deployed, or suffer from PTSD or anything like that. You are serving in your own way to this country, and we are indebted to you for that reason, the lifestyle we live, the democracy we live in, is indebted to you, So thank you. I don't want you to be an emotional punching bag either anymore. I don't want

that for you. None of us do. None of us listening want you to be an emotional punching bag for this guy. But I want you to see it from this perspective. I know many people with PTSD. I know many returning soldiers, and I know many that have taken

their own lives. One time, I did a documentary on five soldiers that lost their lives in war, and I told the backstory of who they were and who they were in their community, and gave light to their spouse and their kids, or their mother or their grandparents or their friends. And one of them out of the five died by suicide. And it was so interesting going through this story and the documentaries on YouTube. It's called they were There, a Hero's documentary. But this one guy was

just like the life of the party. Was he was amazing. Dylan was his name. And we went through old home footage and we went through friends and interviewed him and family, and it was just such a guy. Like the guy everyone wants to be around, Like if he walks in the room, you want to be next to Dylan. That was him and one deployment, one of several, but his last one. Something happened over there that he never wanted

to talk about. It involved a child, and I'm not sure exactly what happened, but I think it was and I'm not even sure if I should say it on this podcast, but it was an injury inflicted on a child on accident, but it was required for his convoy's duty and it really really messed him up. And when I say messed him up, I'm not talking about he was having a bad day, or it made him grumpy,

or it made him sad. I'm talking about it chemically disconnected something in his brain, like something was injured inside his brain, two nerves disconnected and never touched again, and it changed his personality, changed who he was, and when he came back, he was never the same. And he fought and fought with this PTSD, he fought with this injury, and no one could really help him. He ended up

taking his own life. It's so interesting. When I shot this documentary, for the first time ever, I realized that Dylan never came home from Afghanistan, not the Dylan we knew, who was a different version of him, the injured version. When men and women come back after an explosion, ied explosion, let's say, and they lose a limb, they're missing a leg, we could identify that injury. We could see them. We could see that they're missing a leg. We could treat accordingly.

We have therapy, We have all kinds of things to help them walk again and get a prosthetic leg. We build them houses, and we build handrails, and we make showers that are great for them. We deal with their pain afterward. But when someone has an injury in the brain, we don't understand that as well because we can't see it on an X ray. But not all injuries can be seen with the naked eye. And PTSD is a killer. There is an injury that could happen like that that

is a killer. And that's why so many men and women take their lives by suicide. All this to say, Jocelyn, I want you to see, and I'm sure you do, but I want to reassure you that what you're dealing with with is an injured man that is not your husband. Right now, I do believe that this can be repaired and healed with the right treatment. If you had written this email and said, my husband suffers from dementia and sometimes he gets very angry and yells at me and

then apologizes, everyone would say, yeah, that's dementia. My grandma had that. I knew a man down the street that had that. We would say that that's dementia. But for some reason, with PTSD, we don't look at it that way. We look at it almost like it's their fault and we blame them and we say, I don't know what to do, I don't know if I want this marriage anymore. But we don't say that with dementia. So now I

haven't given you anything practical. I've just given you kind of just a thirty thousand foot overview of the way I'm seeing this. He needs help, and he's going to need professional help from people that know, preferably from people that have experienced this before, someone that can come in and go, dude, I know what you're going through because I did too, and this is the way I got out of it. Follow me. Let me show you a couple of things. Let me show you some things. You

gotta do. This is the kind of treatment he needs, and he needs it right now. You will You have a good chance of losing him if something doesn't change right now. Also, I want to say, if things are crazy in the house, you do have a right to leave, but don't give up on him. If you leave and go and live in somebody else's house and get the kids away, because maybe they don't need to see this anger right now, don't give up on him. Don't be

angry back, don't reciprocate that anger. So take the kids and go to a different house, but make sure you're there all the time with him, checking in on him. He needs your help. It's life and death. That's serious. He needs doctors, He needs men that have been through this to talk to him, to speak into his life. Today, not tomorrow, not next week, not six months when you

finally research the right person. We need to move now on this And I just want you to see it, and I want to say thank you for your service, and this is I'm so sorry. Let's take a break and be right back. Guys, sincerely, thank you so much for listening to this podcast and supporting it. If you love it, please share it with a friend. And rate it on this platform that you're using right now. That really helps me, and it helps get the word out too.

If you want to get a hold of me, or maybe get something special for somebody, you could always get a cameo from me. I literally take my phone and I record a video just for you, saying whatever you need me to say, Happy anniversary, happy birthday, maybe some words of encouragement, whatever it is you could dream up. Go to cameo dot com slash Granger Smith. You could also download the cameo app and search for me Granger Smith. It's super easy. You just make a request, you type

in what you want me to say. I do it just like a FaceTime call or a Skype message, and it goes right to you. Then you have it and you could share it with your friend. It's really cool. I've been doing this for several years now and it's super easy. Cameo dot com slash Grangersmith. Back to the podcast, all right. Back to the inbox here. Grangersmith podcast at gmail dot com is where you need to send your questions. Subject line here says how do I get people to

talk to me? Hey Granger, my name is Matthew. I'm sixteen years old. Love watching the Smith and listening to your music. I'm in a Christian home and every morning I choose to wake up thirty minutes early so I could read a chapter of the Bible and practice playing guitar. I've been going to the same school my whole life, and the town is so nice, but I rarely get to talk to anyone, and I want to change that.

To explain a little bit more, I've tried multiple times to talk to different people, switch my friend groups up, but they seem to have little interest to talk to me. I thought about it because maybe because I was boring, but I can't think of many things to talk about. My parents don't allow me to have any social media except for YouTube, which is fine, but I don't ever have many social interactions. I have multiple hobbies, including hunting, fishing,

showing goats, lifting weights, training dogs, and playing baseball. But there are only a handful of people in these hobbies and they always seem to talk to someone else and they avoid me. I had one decent friend, but we don't see each other anymore because he moved to a different school. I know this may be a weird topic, but I'd love to hear your thoughts. Thanks Matthew, Matthew Buddy, thanks for emailing man. Sixteen years old? What an age,

what a transformational age you are in. I remember it. It is awkward. I'm sorry. I remember being sixteen. It's like it's like a horse with blinders. You can't really see to the right or to the left. You don't don't really know at all what's going on behind you. You only know what's happening just directly ahead of you. Look back, and you know that's actually a brain development thing, like that's a real thing. Only had the capacity to

see right ahead of you. And I remember that, and I look back and I'm like, oh man, all I had to do is look right or left, and I never did not for a few more years. And so I want to say I empathize with where you are, and I understand everything you're saying. And what I want to tell you is a couple of things. First, I want to say, hang on, just hang in there, man, hang in there. You're getting up every morning thirty minutes early, playing guitar, reading the Bible. It sounds like you got

some good parents. You live in a nice little town, you go to school nice little school. Hang in there, because it could be a lot worse. You could be a lot in a lot worse situations. And you only have a couple more years at home. You're about to go see the world. You're about to spread your wings and fly, and that's coming about eighteen, So you literally have just a little bit more time. And I want you to just hang in there, wait, be patient, and I want to say some other things. I want to

encourage you in a couple of ways. Reassure you. Your parents are not allowing you to be on social media except YouTube, Buddy. I think that is awesome. I think you were growing in ways that you can't yet understand, and you're being shielded from things that are going to hurt you in a way that you can't yet understand. And your parents do and they know this. And one day you will be on social media maybe, but you'll choose. You'll get to decide if you're going to do it

or not. And when you do, I think you're going to get on there and go, Man, I wasn't missing anything. We literally look at this, buddy. We go on TikTok and this is what TikTok does, for example, and this podcast. I have a lot of credit to give to TikTok for this podcast because it drives a lot of traffic here.

But I want to tell you the dangers of it if you just randomly, if you're not going to just see one thing, then you just randomly get on there and you go from this guy who's like giving you this life advice and you're all focused in listening, and then you flip it, and then there's this guy talking about his mom has terminal cancer and he's in the hospital bringing her flowers and she's saying her last words, and now you're crying, and then you flip it again.

Now it's this funny cat doing this little trick, and you start laughing. And these are all like in twenty second increments. You're going from serious study and concentration to complete mourning and sadness to laughing at a kiddy cat, all within the course of a minute and a half.

That just can't be good for the brain. It can't be good to get us like a ping pong ball and just make us this ping pong ball of emotions, like feel this, feel this, look at this, look at this, shiny shiny, shiny look at this, Hey, hey, hey, here we are. That's what social media is doing. Your parents know it, and they're keeping you from it. And I'm dude, I think it's great. I think it's good parenting. I don't think there's anything wrong with it. Like some people

may be like, that's a little strict. I would rather lean on the strict side than to be on the other side where it's like, yo, I want you to socially evolve and be, you know, like a little butterfly with all your your friends, and I want you to just go out there and do everything they're doing. So get on socials. And the damage that can cause is there's a lot higher percentage of damage that that can cause than the damage of saying we're going to be

strict and not let you get on at all. I think you have a lot better chance of succeeding, being successful, and being socially acceptable in a world without social media at age sixteen. So I just want to affirm that with you that I think you're in a good house. I think you're in a good spot, and I think you're in a just a peerd of waiting right now. Dude, you like hunting, fishing, showing goats, lifting weights, training dogs, playing baseball. I got one bad thing to say to you.

This is my only negative I'm gonna throw at you, Matthew that next sentence you say, but there are only a handful of people in these hobbies. Come on, bro, really what? I kind of want to slap you right now? Hunting fishing, showing goats, lifting weights, training dogs, playing baseball. You're telling me there's only a small group of people that do those things, Like baseball is the American game,

that's like America's pastime or whatever they call it. Hunting fishing, how there's billions of people that do that, right, lifting weights, like every other person does that. So I'm gonna kind of blame you a little bit, Matthew, and go Bro. You're telling me you don't go to the gym and lift weights and talk to a guy there and say, hey, what are you doing you do? And chest? Do you do chest every Monday? I got some cool things you want to try it? Maybe we could work out together.

You're telling me you don't go show a goat and go man, that's a beautiful goat you got. Where do you live? Y? I live down this road? You live down there? Oh good, cool. Hey, maybe we could come see the other goat, come see my barn. Sometime. You're telling me hunting and fishing, you're telling me there's nobody. You go fishing and see another guy fishing and you don't have anything in common enough to go up and go catching anything. Man, I've been using this purple worm.

It's actually been doing pretty good. What are you using? What? Those are just easy, Matthew, Matthew, this is easy. These are easy conversations. It takes effort to do it. It takes courage and bravery to go up and approach a stranger like that. But you're given the best opportunity with these things. Baseball what you can't go to a baseball game and find anybody that likes it like you. I'm not talking about you being good or bad at the sport. I'm just saying you love the game. There's a billion

other people who love the game. That's an easy way for you. If you don't want to do that, I think you could just hang on. You could hit the brakes. Wait, you're in a season of waiting. This is gonna get good, man, life is about to get good. Sixteen is tough, man. I don't envy you at all. I don't want to

be sixteen again. That is tough, man, living with the blinders on, wondering if anyone's judging you, or if you have any friends at all, or wonder if that girl thinks you're cute because you like her but you don't know what to say to her, and then wondering if you're ever gonna get good grades enough to go to tech school or maybe a college, or maybe you'll never get a job, or maybe you're just gonna serve French fries all day for life. You just don't even know

where you're going. Your parents are mean, they're restricting you from social media, your car's broke down, or maybe you don't have a car, you don't have enough money to buy a car. I mean, this is like the world of a sixteen year old just turning like crazy. It's just like shooting bb gun at your face all the time. That's what it's like. So I don't envy you, but

I'm telling you, it's not always like this. Man. You're going to figure things out, and you're just like right on the cusp of figuring this out, and things are going to change. Life is about to get good. Matthew, Wait, be patient, hang in there. You're in a good place. Next question, subject line says what I didn't say, what I didn't do? Hey, Grangeery. My name is Jake, twenty one years old from Ditton, Texas. I've been best friends

with this girl since i've known her. My sophomore year of high school, I fell in love with her, but I never let any of my feelings known to her in fear of ruining our relationship. Our friendship kind of fell off and life got busy. We didn't talk as much. After I graduated, I joined the Marine Corps, and to my surprise, she started sending me letters when I got home. We started dating immediately and we were best friends for and those were the excuse me we started dating, and

then they were the best months of my life. After five months, she moved further away and put a lot of strain on our relationship. I made so many mistakes. I didn't try as hard for the relationship. I got comfortable, I didn't do the things that she loved about us, that we that we began with, and so she broke up with me. We don't talk anymore. I carry around this horrible guilt that I hurt someone I love so deeply and drove her away. How do I forgive myself,

let go and move on. Thanks for everything you do. Yeah, Jake, thanks for the email. Buddy. There is a there is a country song from the nineties by Steve Warner that said, it's not what I did, it's what I didn't do. And that's exactly. That's exactly what's going on. You're you're worried about things that you didn't do, and you are not alone. This is heartbreak and this is a version

of it that's very common. And I'm gonna tell you if you listen to this podcast before, you'll you've probably heard something so but I'm gonna tell you that you're you're in a really good place. And you're like, what, no, this sucks, this is terrible. I'm gonna tell you you're in a really You've just learned a very valuable lesson, okay, Because what happened was you love this girl, You courted her,

you tried so hard. You learned her favorite song, you learned her favorite color and her memorized her birthday, knew what kind of juice that she liked to drink, and you learn what kind of favorite sushi she liked, and you learned everything about her and you you just concentrated all your efforts on winning this girl's heart. And then you did. And then, according to your words, after a little strain came on the relationship, you didn't try as hard.

You got comfortable, You didn't do the things that she loved about y'all when you began, and then she broke up with you. And that is country music song writing. One oh one. You feel horrible guilt. You hurt someone you loved so deeply and drove her away because of what you stopped doing. You started, and you just came out of the gates, and she loved you because you did all the right things. You opened all the doors.

You picked up the bill at the restaurant, and you drove her out, and you saw the lake and you showed her the stars at night. You told her how beautiful she was, and you asked if what her dreams were, and you asked if you could be part of those dreams. One day and you said all the right things, and you said things like there's just something something about us

that's bigger than us. You said all the right little catch phrases right, and she just fell for you, and then you got comfortable, and then the true you came out and you got lazy, and then she stopped being interested and now you're hurt. So what I'm gonna say is you're like, well, okay, yeah, I get it, that's what I wrote. But what's good about that. What's good about it is you're gonna move on. You will move on. It just happens. This is what happens. You will move on.

This will get easier, maybe not tomorrow or next week, but eventually time will heal. And then when the time is right, as long as it's not a rebound, you're gonna meet somebody else and you're gonna get those butterflies again, and you're gonna be like, man, I really really like this girl, like I gotta feel the fire again. I

love her, And you're gonna try really hard. And then something right around that six month, eight month, one year mark, something should kick in at that point that says, oh, hey, Jake, it's your conscience. I just talked to your memory. They wanted me to remind you of this mistake you made a few years ago with this girl that you really loved. And then you messed up, and so memory wanted to remind conscious that then knocks on your door to remind you, Jake,

don't do that. Hang in there, pour into this relationship. Don't get lazy, don't get comfortable, make an effort. Have you taken her out to eat in a while, You better do it. Have you told her she's beautiful? You better do it. Have you told her how much she means to you? Jake, you better do it. But that voice, that conscience, of that memory doesn't knock on your door unless you have this deep heartbreak that's so painful and like from a core level of your body, your body,

your body goes, Man, this heartbreak is so bad. I'm gonna die. I feel like I'm gonna die. And then something inside you goes, you know, kicks in all these you know, emergency measures, defense mechanisms to go, don't die, don't die. Whatever this is, whatever this attack is on this body that's gonna kill us. We need to make sure this never happens again. So put up this force field and put up this defense and make sure whatever

we did, we don't do it again. And so then down the road, you're in a relationship things start going down that path, and that defense kicks in and goes, hey, remember that time he almost died because you mess this up, Jake, don't do this again. Maybe it's time after work to go get her favorite color flowers. Remember the favorite flowers that she told you about on week two of dating. It was yellow roses or whatever. Remember that, when's the

last time you got yellow roses? Jake? This is your conscience talking And you go, oh, yeah, so I think I better on the way home from work, stop at the grocery store and get some yellow roses and get a card, and it says, hey, babe, there's no special occasion. I just wanted to tell you what this card, how much you mean to me. And then I hope that I hope that you allow me to always be there

for you, because you mean the world to me. You're that important, and I'm just thinking about you and I want to tell you how much you mean to me. Love Jake. And you walk home and you get the car and you got the flowers, and you say, have I told you in a while how much you mean to me? How special you are? And she goes, oh, Jake, you haven't done that since the month first month we dated,

and you're like, no, it's because I mean it. But what you don't tell her is deep down you're like, yeah, because I messed this up a couple years ago and I lost the girl I loved and you don't have to tell her and it doesn't matter. But you're like, yeah, I know. I know now because of the heartbreak, because it killed me, it crushed me. Because of that, I learned from that and I became who I am today. So the next girl benefits from you, She benefits from

this heartbreak that you're going through right now. You need this in the same way you need her, your future spouse, your future wife, whoever that is. You need her to go through some stuff too. You don't want a little perfect life to meet yours. You want someone that's been through some stuff. And it's like, man, you're a great girl. I could say that about my marriage right now. You know. I could say that because Amber and I both we were with several people before we met each other that

were just bad, toxic relationships. And through those toxic relationships, as we recovered and as we cleaned up the mess, when we built back ourselves and re molded our heart, back together from the brokenness. We got a little bit stronger every time, just like you're about to do. You're about to get stronger, Jake. So I want to speak that into you. Man. I just want to tell you that this heartbreak matters. It's working for you. It's also very biblical. That's a pretty bag. That's the story of

the Bible. Your pain, your suffering has a purpose. Nothing is meaningless. It matters for you. But that's a story for a different podcast and a different question. Love you guys, See you next Monday. Thanks for joining me on the Grangersmith Podcast. I appreciate all of you. Guys. You could help me out by rating this podcast on iTunes. If you're on YouTube, subscribe to this channel. Hit that little like button and the notification spell so that you never

miss anytime I upload a video. If you have a question for me that you would like me to answer, email Grangersmith Podcast at gmail dot com. Yi