#140 This makes you a bad parent.

but the podcast is one of my favorites. It's kind of like I come in here, get the camera set up, get the recording software set up, and I just get to relax a little bit. Because there's no time frame on these podcasts. I just get to talk through your questions in real time and have a discussion. And I love that I'm checking your emails. You send them to Grangers podcast at gmail dot com. You could ask about anything.

My request are try to keep it one phone length of your space that you're going to type in and then don't send the same email twice because it gets deleted. Other than that, you could ask anything. Nothing is off limits. And you'll see today as we walk through a bunch of different questions, I have them chewed up I don't

have preparation for them. No notes. We're just going blind and just keep in mind I'm not always right, but I'm just giving you advice as though I would give it to a friend or a friend would give to me, like we're just having a conversation. First email is one I just I just came off. I just finished after midnight my radio show, and I just read this on after midnight. I've been doing this on the radio show.

It's an all night radio show. We're in about three hundred different stations across the nation, and I've been taking one email per day, per per show, and reading the email on after midnight to a bunch of listeners. We're talking, you know, overnight, third shifters, truckers, nurses, ems, firefighters, nursing mothers, grocery store stalkers, and I've been reading your question one of them and then briefly answering it and then telling them to come back here to listen to the full answer.

This is one that I just did today. It's called subject line staying strong, and it reads, Hey Grange, I'd like to stay anonymous. I'm a twenty six year old man from Nebraska. I'm married, with an awesome wife, and we have our first baby on the way. We're excited to find out the gender later this month. But life has been tough lately. I lost my grandma less than a year ago, and I just lost my mom a

few months ago. I always dreamed of my mom helping to take care of our babies growing up, because she was the best mom to me and also to my wife. She was our best friend. It's hard to be happy with anything that's going on. I miss her and I think of every second of the day. Everything reminds me of her. Please help. Yeah, Anonymous, great great email, great question, very valid, and I'm going to talk about it. I briefly talked about this on After Midnight, and I want

to talk about it in the longer form here. First, I want to say that we understand, and have said this on this podcast many times, that our grief equals the love that we had for the person. So if you loved the person a lot, when you lose them, you're gonna grieve them a lot. Now that you could look at that in a negative way, or you could look at it in a positive way, I'm going to tell you the positive is when you grieve heavy, you could have joy knowing that you had something really special

with that person. You loved a lot, you loved a lifetime worth with your mother. And many people either don't have a mother or don't have a loving mother, and you did. And so the rice that you have to pay for that is grief. And that's a small price in exchange for the love of a great mother. So you are so blessed to have her in your life. Even though her time was cut short, the time you had with her is far greater than any a lot

of people, get right. I also want to say that you lost her two months ago or a few months you said a few months ago. That's not very long. That is short time when it comes to grief. You're still in a period of shock. It's hard to understand things that are happening around you when you're only a few months into a major loss. So I'm validating your worry,

your anxiety, your stress, your your grief. I'm validating all that that you're right in thinking that you're you're not someone that needs to be I'm not going to tell you you got to be pushing this aside. Hey, time to get over your mom. You got a baby coming. Time to get over it, buddy. I'm never gonna say that to you. You're being vulnerable and these feelings are valid.

Here's the other thing I want to get into. The world is going to tell you people around you, your friends, Google, the world is going to tell you are having a baby. This is the greatest moment of your life. This is the most exciting, most loving, craziest, most exhilarating, fulfilling thing you'll ever experience in your life. And you don't have to buy that now. Let me explain. When the world tells you that, that's because they're looking back on it

in the past. They're looking back like, for instance, I look back London. My daughter is ten years old. She was my first born. I look back on her birth and I think, man, that was a monumental moment in my life. That was the fulfillment of becoming a father. It was an incredible moment. Top three moment four. I have four kids, five including the marriage and my wife.

I could look I could say that, honestly, I could say that, But in the moment, during the pregnancy, during the birth, I didn't think that, and I realized that as it was going down. I remember thinking the world's telling me this is the most exciting moment of my life, but it's not. I'm more scared than I've ever been. I'm way more scared than I am excited. I'm way more nervous than I am loving for this baby. And

as a father. It's probably different with mothers. In fact, I know it is because it's biological with mothers, but with fathers, you're more disconnected from the birth. You don't carry the child for nine months, and so it's hard to wrap your brain around loving another human that's not even in the world yet. It's difficult, and I think it's okay to have that anticipation of not knowing and worrying and you're not being fulfilled with this overwhelming joy.

Now some dads do, Okay, some dads do. They're just they're just wired in a different way. But I'm not that way. I was worried when we were pregnant with London when when when I held her for the first time, it was it was an incredible moment, but I was more worried for her and Amber and her future. Then I was overwhelmed with with happiness. Happiness happens to us. But joy is deeper than that. Joy. Joy is the

underlying emotion amongst other emotions that can coexist. So what I'm trying to say to you, Anonymous, is that if you if you're pregnant with your first child and you can't get past the grief of your mother to enjoy the pregnancy, that's okay. That's the feeling you're in right now. And if you're feeling it right now, then it's legitimate. But that's going to change, and everyone listening knows. That's

a father that knows that's gonna change. And over time that love will develop and flourish and grow and become. This one of the strongest bonds you've ever had. You and this child one of the strongest bonds you will ever have. But you don't have to feel it all at once right now, and if you don't, there's not something wrong with you. You're not cut out to be a bad dad because you don't. You don't just feel nothing but joy for this baby when in reality, you're

just missing your mom. And when you see that baby and you hold that precious, beautiful baby for the first time, you kind of think about your mom and you're gonna think, I wish mom was here to see this, I wish mom was here to hold this baby. I wish mom was here to tell me how to take care of this baby. And those are those are thoughts that you're gonna have, and so when you have them, it's not taking anything away from the love that you're gonna have

for this baby. It's not taken anything away from the joy the moment, because in ten years, like me, you'll look back on the moment and you'll say that was it. That was a defining moment in my life. And I might not have realized it at the time. As I read this podcast, we're just coming off a D Day seventy eight years ago. The Allied forces invaded the beaches

of Normandy. Now, when they were getting off that boat, bullets rushing by their face, trying to get to the machine gun nest, petrified in fear, needing to climb those cliffs. Do you think they were? They were. The one thought in their mind was, Wow, this is a defining moment in history and in my life. This is going to change the course of history right now today, And this is one of the biggest moments of my life. None

of them were thinking that. They were just thinking, I gotta survive, I gotta save my brothers, I gotta keep my own heart beating. I gotta get to that machine gun nest to get this madness to stop. That's what they were thinking. That's what you're thinking. I just got to get to that machine gun nest to get this madness to stop. Stay strong, that's what your subject line says. Stay strong, you got this. Our next question subdect line

says house fire. Mario, thirty eight years old, writes in and says, my family and I had our house caught on fire while we were out. We got back just in time to save our two dogs, thankfully, Unfortunately we lost everything else. I'm struggling to stay strong for my two daughters and my wife. I pray every night, asking for strength, but every time my youngest five year old says that she wishes she could lay in her bed or play with her toys, it has become harder and

harder to stay strong. Any wisdom or advice she might have over this loss. Mario, thanks for right now. I'm so sorry that you're put in the situation. So many times we're put in situations in life where we didn't want to be here, and we didn't ask we didn't sign up for this. But then we find ourselves facing something that we weren't prepared for and we have to deal with And as the leader of your household, now you have to deal with it with your two daughters

and your wife. You have to be the symbol of strength for them. You have to be the word of wisdom to them, so that when they look at you and they ask you questions, the hard questions, you have an answer for them, and you don't look at them and say, I don't know. I'm lost too. I wish I had my bed too. That's something you can't afford to do as a father. Unfortunately, even though you might

be thinking that, you wouldn't be wrong thinking that. But what I would lean on in this situation if I were you, I've never lost a house to a fire, and so I can't I can't put myself in your shoes totally, but I have been through struggling and much adversity with my family. When your daughter asks you things like this, I wish I could lay in my bed or play with my toys, you might feel inside that you're becoming weaker like you've said it's becoming harder to

stay strong. You have to lean in to the fact that she has you and you have her, and you're together as a family, and that is what matters. And this is a great teaching moment for her to say, baby, we have each other. We are the house, not the brick and the mortar and the trees and the roof and your toys and your bed. We are the house. We make up the home together, and you have me, and I am here for you and I'm with you.

And we lost our house together and I'm so sad, and we could be sad about that together, but remember you're not alone. I'm with you. I'll be your bed, I'll be your toy, and we're gonna replace all that stuff we can, and we will eventually. We'll get you a new bed. We'll eventually get you a new toy that you're gonna love even more. But right now, you have me. Lean on me. Be that be that for her, be that rock for her that she could go, Yeah, I lean on you, Dad. I trust you, Dad. You

got me, Dad. She's too young to understand any kind of responsibility or to understand the full picture that things will get better. She can't understand that yet, but you can, and so let her lay on you, lean on you. You You be the bed that she could lay on and rest, be her her form of rest. Even though you might not believe it yourself, you could be that for her. You could have just enough strength where she sees it and believes it in your eyes, in your strong hands.

And when you hold her and you give her that hug, and you hold her tight and you say I got you, I got you, She'll believe it. Next question, subjectline says out of wedlock and ashamed. Hey, Gradeer, I'm twenty three years old or from Oklahoma. I've listened to your podcast and watch Rise with Amber every Sunday. Your family is an inspiration to me in many ways. I found out

that I'm expecting a child. Although my boyfriend and I plan on getting married very soon, I'm worried my parents will turn their back on us for both being out of wedlock at the time. I have prayed to God and asked for forgiveness of my sin and find solace in talking to him every day. He's blessed us with an incredible gift, and I'm so grateful because I've always

wanted to be a mother. I know his plans for us are better than our own, but please give me advice on how to tell them and having how to navigate this situation. Well, this question comes from Mallory in Oklahoma. Mallory, I am I feel you. I feel you on this and this is this is a tough situation, but it will get better and this will pass and you will end up at the end with this beautiful baby. I love your idea of getting married very soon. I would lean into that idea and and bring that with you

to the conversation to your parents. I want you to actually lead with that. And so you and your boyfriend fiance need to have a solid plan. This is not time. This is not the time to plan an elaborate invite all the family and friends and pick a venue that can't be booked until two years out, and you got to get the perfect flowers, and you got to find the perfect dress. This is not that kind of wedding anymore.

In fact, I don't recommend that wedding to anyone that puts the ceremony and the preparation and the plans above the impact of what the union is itself. So many times we get lost and the marriage plan and we forget about It's all about the marriage, the couple itself and celebrating that love. And so I would go to your boyfriend and say, okay, we need a plan. We love each other, we love this baby. What we need a plan right now. We need to write it down. We need a date, and it needs to be soon.

It needs to be very soon. So we need to expedite this process. And then once you get that date and you have that plan, and maybe you even have a venue, then you go to your parents. Now this all needs to take place within a couple of weeks because you don't want to wait too long on this time is very important in this situation. So you go to your parents and you sit down and you go, mom and dad, I have some news for you. We're getting married on this date and we're inviting these people

and we love each other and we're so excited. And let them react to that. I would let them react to that first, and then say there's one more thing. I'm pregnant and I am overjoyed with this pregnancy. I've always wanted to be a mother, and I love him and I love this baby. And I'm going to do everything I can to give this baby a home and a life with two parents and watch this baby grow. And I can't wait for this baby to meet it's

incredible grandparents. You. But I also at the same time, I'm stricken with guilt and I'm so sorry if I let you down, and I'm so sorry that I have done this out of wedlock, and I feel so much remorse that it is going against God's plan, God's will for my life. But I do know that because it's happening, because it is happening, that it is also part of God's purpose, and God will make things new again and he will fulfill his promise of a good life for

this baby. And so I'm doing the responsible thing and taking care of this wedding as fast as possible, as meaningful as possible, and I'm asking for your blessing to forgive me and to understand the situation I'm in. At that point, you don't know and you can't control their reaction to it. It is going to be difficult. The reaction is not going to be happy, tears and nothing else. Yay, We're so happy for you. Don't expect that it's not that it's not possible, but don't expect that that's what

you're going to get out of this. Most likely their first reaction is disappointment. Don't let that throw you off, don't let that discourage you. Expect it. So you're going to have low expectations on their gratitude as being grandparents. But when you've proved to them that this is the plan and you are taking full responsibility for this plan, they will come around to it. And in the end, it may take years. I don't think it will. I think it'll take about eight months when this baby comes.

In the end, joy will will prevail in this situation and they'll be They're gonna they're gonna not look at it as it could have happened any other way. The longer you hide it, the longer you kick the can down the road, the longer you try to make a big, planned out wedding and get the perfect dress, and it's going to take seven months to order the dress, in two years to get the venue, and you got to spend a lot of money on flowers. If you kick that can down the road too long, it's going to

make it worse. Okay, thanks for your question or take a break. Here it back. Hey, thanks for listening to the podcast, y'all. If you want a personal message from me, the best way to do it is cameo dot com slash Granger. You can get a personal shout out through a video message saying whatever you want me to say. Happy birthday, happy anniversary, maybe a pick me up, maybe a shout out of any kind. Do that on the Cameo app and search for Granger Smith or go to

cameo dot com slash Granger Smith. I do these daily. It's super easy for me and you both. Let's make it happen. I'll talk to you soon, all right. Next question, subject line says future Marine conversation. Hey, mister Granger. A little backstory here. I've had interest in the United States military for a while. At first it was the United States Navy and it's turned into a US Marine pilot. I've been told by multiple people I look up to that females don't belong in combat or in the military,

therefore telling me I shouldn't do it. Then again, other people tell me I should join and gender doesn't matter. I'm torn between the fact that joining of joining and not joining. I still have a few years before college, but I'm not sure about my future anymore. Thoughts. God

bless Natasha. Natasha, thanks for the question, and thank you for being bold and trying to make a decision that's meaningful in your life, that impacts others, and that gives you a platform for a career that is rich in history, and that is something that is so noble because it's not a decision that everyone could make. First thing I want to go to is is the last sentence. I still have a few years before college, but I'm not sure about my future. Well, the few years thing that

gives you some cushion. Anyway, You don't have to decide now. In fact, you don't have to decide on the Marine Corps until the last minute. You can go yes, it's time now. You could mentally prepare, you could start physical training if you want, but you could do anything last minute when it comes to the military. So I know a lot of friends that said no, I'm not, No, I'm not, No, I'm not, yes i am join. I also know a lot of friends that said, yes i am, Yes, i am, yes, i am never mind know I'm not.

Both ways are not wrong. The military is going to need people that make the commitment regardless of when they decided to do it, and they don't need people that decide last minute they shouldn't do it. It's not a bad thing. It's not for everybody. But if you decide to not do it, it's better for them, and it's better for you that you made the decision when you did, even if it's the last second. That doesn't say you

can't be prepared mentally. Now, let's tackle the main question here, the situation of females don't belong in combat or in the military. Okay, there's a couple of things, a couple of ways to look at this. One. You are you're not talking about being in the infantry and being on the front lines and kicking indoors. That's not what you're saying. I'm not saying you can't, But that's not this conversation. You're wanting to be a marine pilot. To that, let's speak to that. I know a lot of women in

my life. They are much better at me at multitasking and focusing. Now, I'm not great at either one of those two things, multitasking or focusing. Amber is much better at details and being precise in the moment while multitasking other things. What does that characteristic trait, What does that character trait equate too perfectly being a pilot? I think And I've been to Iraq three times and done multiple

tours over the course of fourteen days. Each tour, I have traveled twice a day for fourteen days, usually in a black Hawk or a Marine forty six helicopter. The days when we had female pilots, I felt a little bit more comfortable because the guys sometimes get distracted, and I don't want a distracted pilot. I want someone that can multitask and that can focus. I think you are perfect for this job, and I think if you really want to do it, you absolutely can and you could

outshine other male pilots. That's my opinion. I know plenty of male marine pilots, and the great if you get to be a pilot, if you if you pass every test and you're you're perfectly suited for that job, you're gonna be good. The Marine Corps doesn't put anyone behind the stick that can't do it, or that maybe is struggling with it, or that they don't put people in there just because they want to fill a quota. They're going to put people in there that's going to carry

the crew and ensure that every mission is flawless. Otherwise they wouldn't trust a pilot with a multimillion dollar aircraft. That just wouldn't. They're not They're not that nice. They're not that PC. Like you could be PC in a lot of ways. You could. You could fill quotas with being you know, filling gender gaps and plenty of other ways, but not behind the stick of a multimillion dollar aircraft. They won't trust you unless you've been through the proper

training and they see the evidence themselves. Right, that's just the truth. So I don't know you personally, and I don't know if you're cut out for this, but the one thing I do know is it has nothing to do with whether you're male or female. If you're going to be a pilot. So these naysayers females don't belong in combat or the military, you shouldn't do it. There's

two ways to look at that. One they're just insecure with themselves and they weren't good enough to cut out to do it, or they love you so much that they're worried about you and it's a dangerous job, and that's the way it comes out when the conversation is I love you so much, I worry about you. I care about you. Why can't you just be like a school teacher, which ironically is now considered a dangerous job.

I guess, but I think that's where that's coming from, one of those two places, jealousy and misunderstanding or just a love for you and they worry about you, and why can't you get something a little safer to do? Why do you have to do this? The Marine Corps is a is a man oriented organization, so you're gonna come into it being someone of a minority in the pilot world to begin with, and that's something you're just gonna have to get over. That stigma. You're gonna have

to get over it. Marines are proud, and you're gonna have to dig down to find that pride and go I could do this. I want to do this, and I will do very well at this. And once you reach that kind of understanding with yourself, you're gonna be fine. I would trust you, I'd fly with you. Next question, subject line says, what is God telling me? Says recently, I decided to make a journey back to my homestate,

the state I'm living in now. I felt like I had nothing left here, but recently I met a beautiful woman with beautiful children, and now I'm lost because I know that it would be good for me to go back to my home state. But why would God, last minute bring her into my life. I ask God for an answer, but I feel like he's not reaching out to me. I'm starting to think that maybe he knows that I'm strong enough to make this decision, but I'm lost.

Hope this gets to you. Thank you. A question comes from David, and let me kind of recap what you said here. It sounds like you were planning on moving to another state, back to your home state, from the current state you're in now, but last minute, while in the current state, you met a beautiful woman that you fell in love with, and so now you're doubting whether or not you should move back to your home state.

Like the original plan, you're asking God for answers. He's not answering, and you're thinking that God is telling you you're strong enough to make the decision, so make it on your own. I'm out you make it, says God, you make the decision, you're strong enough, I'm out. Okay. So this is multilayered. The first layer is you fell in love, and when we fall in love legitimately genuinely, things change. Plans change, So you're right by thinking, oh,

maybe there's a different twist to this. I thought I was moving back home. I thought this was good for me. But I met this girl now and I love her, and I don't necessarily want to just up and leave her and follow my old plans that now are looking more like a selfish plan when I'm being more selfless with this woman and she has h children, which even makes the situation even deeper. The other part of it

is your conversation with God. You ask, God doesn't answer, you wait, he still doesn't answer, and then you decide God is telling you, through his not answering, that you're strong enough deal with it. Okay, So let me start unpacking all of these things our conversation with God. A conversation goes two ways. You speak the other person speaks. So in a conversation with God, we speak through prayer.

He speaks through his word. It's a misconception that we think God only speaks through divine intervention, whispers in our ear and writing in the clouds, billboards, license plates, bumper stickers, t shirts. He can, but that's not the general rule. The general rule is God speaks through his word that

we already have in the Bible. We have to remember that, we have to remember that our prayers go to him, we make our request, we bring everything to him, and then we go back to the Bible and we read daily because we need daily word from Him. It's our

instruction manual. If you believe in God, then you through process of elimination, through practically speaking, then you go all the way back to creation and you go if God created us and I believe in him, would he or would he not give us an instruction manual to follow what He's trying to tell us, Not because he wants to give us handcuffs and he wants us to not have fun, but more so, he wants us to partake in his joy and enjoy him and enjoy a life

that is more RESTful, even through the tough times, even through the struggle. We're promised struggle in the Bible. But the promise twofold from a believer standpoint, is that you will struggle, but understanding his word and his plan for you will allow you to rest in that that you didn't. You didn't write the beginning from the end. He did. He sees the whole picture. You don't, amber said to me today. He's a light to our feet, not a stadium light that shows the entire journey. He's not a

big floodlight that just shows us everything. He just is a lamp to our feet. So we all can only see one step at a time, and thank god, that's all I want to know. I don't want to know the whole picture, because if I did, I would misstep all the time trying to get to the next step. I would say, I'm trying to go there. I know I'm going there, so I'm gonna skip this step because that step is too hard or that STEP's too painful, So I'm going to sidestep that and try to get

to the end. How could I hurry up and get out of jail free card and get to the end. It's like in that game Candy Land when you get to jump ahead eleven steps. That's what we would do if we knew the whole picture. But instead we don't. We go one step at a time on purpose, because with each step we don't know what's next. And that's a good thing, because we wouldn't take the next step if we knew how hard it was going to be.

So what I know is God is not the God as revealed in the Bible, is not telling you you are strong enough to make this decision. It's the opposite. He's telling you, through his word, you are too weak to make this decision alone. So lean on me. This is my battle, not yours. I will fight it for you. You think you're strong enough, you're failing. It's always about being humble, It's always about surrender, It's always about God. I'm not strong enough to make this decision. I don't know.

I don't have enough wisdom to see the whole picture. So I'm giving it to you. Feed me, feed me with your word. I'm gonna dive back into your word again this morning, and I'm I'm gonna search through it like my life depends on it. I'm gonna comb through this Bible, through these Gospels, through these ancient prophets. I'm gonna look through this wisdom because I know it was inspired by you, and I know that's the food that's gonna feed my soul, and I'm hungry for it, So

you keep returning to that. Meanwhile, your conversation is the prayer. God, I was gonna move back to my home state, and now there's this girl and I love her and she has children. Show me, show me through discernment in my heart, show me, give me, give me new passions, give me new desires. If this is real, if this is what you need me to do, enlighten me with with these new desires. If it's not, close the door, close the door, make her look like poison to me, make her look

like I don't want this. Bring something else from the from the the old home state, brings something to light there so I could see it, but just enough, just that that lamp at my feet, just enough for me to see the next step. Because I don't know what it is. I'm not strong enough to make the decision alone. You have to tell them that because you're not. You're weak and I'm weak. We're humans. God defeats the biggest battles in the Bible with things that appeared to be

the weakest. David defeated Goliath with a stick and a stone from the river, a tiny stone defeated a giant. God does that over and over again on purpose to show us it's not you, it's me. I win, I defeat the giant. All you do is surrender to me and I'll take over. So surrender. That's what this is about. Surrender God. I'm stuck. I'm stuck. And if you don't feel like He's answering you right away, the Bible says, wait,

wait on the Lord, Wait on the Lord. Maybe you got to push this move back a little bit, but you gotta wait, and you gotta dig in, and you gotta get on your knees, and you got I'm on my knees again for the twelfth day in a row. Here I am. I'm gonna give you the same prim circling this situation with prayer, and I will not leave this circle until I feel good about this answer. And I'm not good enough to decide on my own, so I'm gonna bring you again. I love this girl. She

has children. I was gonna move, but now I'm stuck. What do I do? Then you go back to the Word and you read, and this will get you there. This will get you comfort in whatever decision comes out of it. Because from my standpoint on this podcast, it could be any one of those two answers. This might not be the right girl, this might be just a distraction. But when you do move back, then you go. I moved back, and I knew it was the right thing.

I even gave up a woman I thought I loved for this decision, and now I know I'm here for the right reasons. Or maybe the whole move home is wrong too. Maybe this is the girl. Maybe this is someone that God brought into your life so that you could be together, because He brought her into your life no matter what, either to show you that there's something better for you or to show you that she is the one you need to be with. That answer is not up to you. Surrender it to him. Okay, that's

my advice. Douse this in prayer, Soak this in prayer, and in the soaking, be as humble as you can, face down, knees on the ground, hand on your heart, saying God, I can't make this decision. But you can use that story, use that scenario for all the other listeners for anything else that's going on in your life, for any other problem you're having, or a big decision you need to make This is the formula every time, not just David here, which ironically David, Nah, David, that's

your name, bro, live up to your name. You know what David did. He said, God, you're going to fight this battle. I'm not strong enough to defeat a giant, but you can. And with a stone and a stick sling he defeated the giant, not on his own, but with God. Love you guys, see you next Monday. Thanks for joining me on the Grangersmith Podcast. I appreciate all of you. Guys. You could help me out by rating

this podcast on iTunes. If you're on YouTube, subscribe to this channel, hit that little like button and notification spell so that you never miss anytime I upload a video. If you have a question for me that you would like me to answer, email Grangersmith Podcast at gmail dot com Yigi