#128 The love wasn’t real

episode one, twenty eight, So that's a good chunk. Yeah, that's good chunk. Wow. Bernie is here because he if I was gonna trust anyone, was some really important, really important question that I had and wanted some really good advice, I'd call Bernie. And I've literally been doing that for twenty two years. So yeah. And the funny thing is is that we've done it for each other for that long, and what ends up happening is we kind of pass

the same information back and forth. It's like I'll call you and you'll be like, hey, this, you know, think about this, think about this. I'm like, oh yeah, And then you'll call me and I'll tell you the exact same thing. Back and you're like, oh, yeah, man, you're right. Yeah this So it's so hard me and you counsider on this on these microphones and give people advice and we could hear their story and we could feed into them, but it's it's really hard to think of and apply

that to yourself. So that's why community is so important, and having wise counsel around you is so important because so many times even good advice givers have trouble feeding it to themselves and then even harder listening to their own advice. No, you're absolutely right, and I'm not trying to put you out of a job by any means.

But my hope is one day the Grangeer Smith podcast doesn't exist because all these people that are writing in with questions, they're like going to their community of people that we live in this world where people have folks around them that they're wrestling through this with them. They don't feel this need to let me send it out because I don't have a Granger, I don't have a Bernie, I don't have these people, but we all got those people. So if you're out there and you don't have those people,

fight for those people. Go find those people and then ask them your questions. You can still send them to grizz because you know, people got to eat, you know, but uh yeah, that's the hope, right, that's the hope. What's interesting is you and pastor, Chad and Parker are the most reoccurring guests on this podcast. And in April we're all taking a trip together to Louisville, Kentucky. We're all going to be together. That the core members of

this podcast will be together. That's gonna be super interesting. We should find a spot to have a campfire and record one. That would be That would be cool. That's what it is. The format of this podcast. Yeah, we're sending around them. If you have a question for me or Bernie, email Grangersmith podcast at gmail dot com. That's what we're talking about here. Ask anything, seriously. There is no limit to your questions. There's no limit to the depth of what you could ask. And as you'll see today,

we talk about everything and you ask everything. So wherever you came from too, if you came from TikTok or Instagram because you saw a clip of this podcast, thank you for joining. This is what we do. Email and we'll put it in the queue and answer, and so I got my first one ready to go. I got a whole bunch of them today, But the first one says subject line says what's enough? And then it says anonymous. Just to make sure that I don't say their name,

it says, hey, Grange, I'm twenty three years old. I'm a young man. I came to a point in my life where I'm wondering what's enough? There's being a gentleman still? Is being a gentleman still a thing? In twenty twenty two. I've seen this girl for a while, and I've always been trying to be irreproachable as I could, opening the door for her, getting behind her when she's going upstairs, and in front of her when she's going downstairs, getting her flowers once in a while. But I feel like

those things have been taken for granted. Sadly, this relation is now behind me, but I'm left with a sickening feeling that I should have done more or better. Is this still a thing? Is that too much? Or those gestures just a thing of the past. What are your thoughts? Thanks for the podcast, dude, I got something great. Go for it burns and it comes from you. These are two things that you've told me over the years that

I think I can pass along to mister anonymous. So there is this thing I called Granger about one time, and he said, when our level of gratitude surpasses our level of expectation, that's what magic happens. I think what's happened in this relationship is the level of her expectation exceeded her level of gratitude for you, and and you know, there's there's not much that can really happen in a positive way when that expectation is above the gratitude, right, Yeah, Yeah,

that's exactly right. And what that really, what that boils down to is if you are going above and beyond in a relationship and you are You're opening doors, and you're getting flowers and you're being you're just being a super nice guy, and she doesn't want to be with you. The reason she doesn't want to be with you is not because you did all that stuff too much or

too less. It's just because she didn't like you. And it seems like I kind of repeat that on a lot of these podcasts, that man, she just didn't like you, or she didn't she didn't love you the same amount that you loved her. And I'd say that not to knock you, or not to degrade you, or or try to in any any way undermine who you are as a person. That's just the cold, hard fact of love is. If she left you, it wasn't because of what you

did or didn't do. There just wasn't a connection. And you have to realize that all the things that you said, opening doors, getting behind her when she's going upstairs, I didn't even think about something like that, getting her flowers once in a while. Some girl in your future is gonna love you for that. She is gonna be just so overwhelmed by someone that takes care of her like you do. You're so thoughtful, and someone is gonna get the fruits of this from you, of this personality trait

that you have, and they're gonna love you forever. It's just so important to remember that this girl just she wasn't for you. And I'm not saying she was a bad person either, It just doesn't work. I mean, it's like the old George Strait song, you can't make a heart love somebody. Yeah, you could lead a heart to love, but you can't make it fall. You just can't. You can't make a heart fall. She didn't fall for you. So maybe you're thinking, ah, open the door three more times,

you know, it's like it's just it's not that. Yeah, no, that's great. The second the second thing that came to mind that Granger told me recently. It sounds like you're kind of reliving some things, you know, like oh, could I have done this, and probably also jump into the future about am I gonna find somebody else? And so I called Grangeer the other day, I, you know, had this event and I called I was like, man, this happened, and man, my mind just keeps running about like what

does this mean? Am I gonna is my career going to go this way? And do I need to start doing this and this and this? And he says burn the future is none of your business, and I was like, oh,

that is so good. You're right, Like, mentally, I was already playing out all of these scenarios and sometimes catastrophizing those scenarios or embellishing those scenarios when it's like, dude, that none of my business, and also reliving you Remember, I was like, man, I can't keep or I can't stop thinking about what I said, and you know, it was like, well, the past is none of your business either,

So it's really anonymous learning reflecting on the past. We're not saying just move past it, but reflecting on the past, taking the lessons from it, and then moving into each day with those lessons and really submitting them to God and saying God, I'm yours, I trust you. I trust you with my future relationship and whatever that may look like. And whatever my future looks like, relationship or not, that the future is none of my business. It's completely ears

and you care about it, so I'm giving it to you. Man, So good, so anonymous. Imagine this scenario where sometime in the future, you're putting your work into this relationship, a new relationship somebody else. You're putting your work in, which we should all we have to. You know, relationships are work. So you put the work in, you pay into it, and you pay into it with gratitude, like Bernie said, and you expect a little bit less than you're being

grateful for. And then imagine this scenario. You put the work in and you open the door for some girl, You bring her flowers and she starts her eyes get welled up with tears and you're like, what, you know, what, why are you crying? And she says, I've never had a guy open doors and get flowers like you. I've never had this, and I'm just I'm just so grateful for you that you're in my life. Okay, right here,

let's pause right here. What if this was the first girlfriend you ever had and she said that, you would think, okay, cool, Well that's just what I'm supposed to do. But it's not your first girlfriend. You've had one in the past that didn't appreciate it. So in return, you start getting teary. I had back to her and you go, well, it's interesting you say that because I've never had a girl appreciate it like you. And then it matters. That's why

all these mistakes and failed relationships matter. They build us and they refine us, so we're a little bit better incrementally every time something bad like this is happening. Every time you have this heartbreak, you're getting a little bit better each time because of the past failures, and the new one will matter more. And I can't wait for that to happen to you. Yeah, that's good stuff, man. Another there's a question on here Burns that relates exactly

to what you're saying that because I saw it. It It literally came in today, Okay, watch this, and came in just a few hours ago. It says, hey, grand your my name is Debbie. I just started listening to your podcast, and I've seen your posts on TikTok and I used to swipe past them because it was faith based, and at the time I was so mad at God. I mean, I can't say that I'm still not mad at God because I am so I'm gonna ask this, and I certainly hope it doesn't upset you. I lost custody to

my girls in September to unfortunate circumstances. No, I don't drink or do drugs, and I didn't hurt them. I've been fighting to get them back for months to only get told that I can't see them or be around them. Now, my question is, when you lost your son, how did you lean on God. I know God can't change things, and I'm sure he's trying to teach me something here, but at any point he could have changed the outcome. And I'm having a hard time getting back to my

faith and trusting that this is in his hands. How do you trust him so much? How do you still live each day knowing and trusting God? Thank you for the time to read this, And who knows, maybe it's meant to help someone else have a good day. So that kind of goes back to your thought of trusting God. Just trusting the future is none of your business. Trusting God and Debbie, there's me and Bernie get hit on several things. This is a multi layered question, and it's

a good question. I'll start with I'll start with saying what I always try to remind myself is not to say why God, instead replace the why with what? Like, what God are you trying to show me in this diversity, in this suffering situation. Instead of why, change your why to what? And it instantly changes your mind. It flips the channel in your mind instead of why. It's such an open ended, unknowing question. But what is more like, Okay, what,

I'm gonna look around me. I'm gonna start seeing evidence of this. I'm gonna start dissecting my brain and seeing what else around me could I be learning in this kind of situation? And it really helps. I mean I say this so many podcasts too, but I would lean on the Psalms on this too. Debbie, you asked you asked me, I hope this sudden upset you, and it doesn't. Now I'm gonna ask you the same thing. I hope this doesn't upset you. But I'm thinking, justudging by your email,

you probably don't read very much Bible. Hey, I'm not judging. It's nothing wrong with that, because I too once lived in a world where I didn't read very much Bible. But you can't ask questions about the nature of God, and you can't ask questions about who God is and why God does what he does if you're not reading his word, because we believe as Christians that the Bible is the living, breathing word, current present word of God speaking to us. That's a prayer, is us talking to God,

and the Bible is Him talking to us. And so if you're not reading it at all, then I would say, how could you question anything? You're not listening to the conversation He's given you, and your question is always relevant in the Psalms. You'll see the heart of God in the Psalms, and then probably more importantly, you'll see the heart of man reflecting on his position on what he thinks about God, and so many times, so many times

in art. In our human brain, we think one thing, and by preaching ourselves something else, we slowly start to change. And what I mean by that is here's what I mean. I was actually telling Parker this yesterday. We none of us truly trust God, because if we did, we would have an absolutely anxiety free, stress free, peaceful life. So that's how we know none of us fully trust God as humans. And this is called faith. That's what we're

talking about. Faith. It's the assurance of things that are unseen, Debbie. So when you don't trust God, like everyone at some level, we're all at different levels of trust. You preach to yourself that you do by saying you by repeating some of the psalms like I trust you God, I trust you, and deep down in your mind you're going not totally no, but I trust you. You are faithful, And you preach

yourself that, and eventually you start changing. Your brain starts changing a little bit like oh for sure, yeah, go ahead, Burns, Yeah, I'm pretty sure it was Martin Lord Jones. But somebody out there can correct me if I'm wrong, that said, the majority of the unhappiness in your life is due to the fact that you are listening to yourself instead of talking to yourself. Wow, that's perfect to what That's

exactly what you're saying. And if you don't have that truth to talk to yourself with, you're going to listen. You're going to start listening to those things that are like, no, there's God. It goes back to the garden the same thing. Does God really love you? See? If he did, like, why would he keep these things from you? Why would he take these things away? Like he doesn't really love you? Come you're just questioning and questioning Instead, you have to

arm yourself with that truth. So in those moments, mental habit kicks in and you're like, no, I'm gonna I'm gonna speak these things. I'm gonna meditate on this day and night, you know, just like the psalm kicks off with Yeah. And So I think as Granger is talking, the thing that I keep coming back to and as I've listened to this podcast and I've been on this podcast, and I think that Granger aligns with me here. I think we agree in this. And even though we are

answering your questions. The desire is not to tell you what to do, but for you to know who God is, and that is ministry. I think that we've as a culture, we've gotten away from that. We just want to tell people what to do. Well, here's what rules you need to follow, and here's what church you need to go to, and what the need to be getting up early and doing.

And some of those things are good, but they're a manifestation of who God is and our awe and our desire and our understanding and all of that of who He is. And so when when we get questions writing in about well, this happened to me, this happened to me, we understand life is hard, and those things are hard, but it doesn't change who God is. And there's no amount of things you can do right that will avoid those things in the future, because ultimately, it's who God

is that matters. And so I think, like Granger is saying, to that end, you have to go to the Word because that's when you're gonna start to understand for yourself and your heart. Oh, this is who he is, This is what he suffered, This is why he was a man of sorrows. This, Oh God, place of all so good, Debbie, this is an interesting thing. You asked me, how do you trust? How do you trust? After you lost your son?

How did you how did you trust God? Well, the irony and you asking me that and think it followed me here for a second. The irony and you asking me that question with your problem, which is a legit problem you have, And I'm so sorry that you're going through this custody battle. But when I started asking God through my ultimate pain, what are you trying to tell me? What are you trying to show me? What do you need me to do through this? Not? Why? What do you need me to do? Well? One of the many

things that happened to me in that transition. One of the many things is this podcast changed from me telling stories to answering questions, and then that led to you, with you losing your kids, emailing me your question. So here I am literally sitting here with Bernie answering your question because the format changed because I ask God what he needed me to do because I was suffering. So that's the chain of events that you're asking me, how

do I trust God? Well, that's the chain of events that happened when I did here I am talking to you, Debbie. I don't know you. I've never met you, and I doubt I ever would ever have even spoken your name until I trusted God asked him what he needed me to do. The format of this podcast changed. I open up questions. I gave you my email. You found me on TikTok. You're suffering, and you asked me this question. It's interesting, right? Is that just luck? Is that coincidence?

Is that strange irony? Or is that sovereignty of God working through my suffering all the way to your suffering. That's the question I have for you. Yeah, hey, maybe it's the luck of the Irish that you might think. I don't believe that. Yeah, Okay, that's good, it's really good. Let's hit let's hit another one. Who got a good old break up? Okay, subject line break up. Hey, mister Smith, i'd like to remain anonymous, mister Smith. That's what it says,

very that I would like to remain anonymous. I just recently had to break up a few weeks ago, and we've been off and on. I've listened to your podcast and they've helped me. My problem is I'm trying to understand how to be happy alone. She was my happiness. I recognized I was wrong to base a lot of my happiness on her, but she meant a lot to me. I wish maybe one day me and her could make things work again, when we're both back in the right

mind space. Is that crazy of me to think? How do I get my past my heart strings of missing her and waking up every day and restarting the cycle every day. I've been trying to write songs about my feelings, and that's definitely helped. I'm seeking some more helpful pushing from you. Thank you and God bless Okay, it's interesting when I get heartbreak questions Anonymous. Your question is legit, the suffering that you have, it's similar. I always think

heartbreak and grief are like brothers. They're very similar. You've lost a person that you love that meant a lot to you, so your questions legit. But what I'm about to say is not no offense. But these heartbreak questions are always the same, just the names change and the locations change. But when you're in it, it always feels like this is different. My story is different. My story is not like anything else you've ever said on the podcast. But I'm telling you it is. That's a good thing

for you, man. It's a good thing that millions of people, probably everybody on this planet will or has gone through heartbreak. Because you know why. It's good because you could look at humanity and go, they still made it, They still did it. So let's dig into your question. The most dangerous sentence that you wrote in this email was she was my happiness. Yeah, but right after that, he does say,

I recognize that that was not right or unhealthy. I'm not sure exactly what you said, but so it's almost like the how do you get from I know this thing? I know this was unhealthy? She was that? Two. I mean he's still somewhat in that mindset because he's still mentally running through all of the scenarios and probably painting the picture of their relationship better than it actually was, and like kind of fantasizing of what it would be

like if we got back together. And yes, I mean I think you I just listened to the one with You and Parker a couple episodes ago, and I think y'all hit on this and it was so so good. Of that kind of mental loop, It's like you probably are still have her picture somewhere, and you have these habits, and it's like kill the empty habits. Yes, you got to kill empty habits, and that is an empty habit. Yes, I think you're exactly right. And the evidence of that

what Bernie just said. The evidence is where you say, I wish maybe one day me and her could make things work when we're both in the right mind space. But you got to let that go. Now, could it happen? Of course, anything could happen, Bernie said earlier. The future is none of your business. I don't know what the future holds, but I know who holds the future. That's good. But that on a T shirt, Guys, put it on

a T shirt. Let it go, Let it go anonymous, because if you live in a space in a world where you think maybe it might work with her again, you're limiting yourself from moving on today to any other kind of opportunity. That doesn't mean she's out of your life forever, because we know scenarios that happens. Years go by and then you get back together. Great, but you're you are putting up walls to any other opportunity. You're writing your own story and you're trying to write your

future out and she's included in it. And when you do that, here come the walls. Here come anything else in your peripheral that might help you heal and might help you become better than you ever were with her, including a new relationship, possibly including a new friendship with another guy that creates a new hobby that you that. It's a chain reaction that goes into a future relationship that you might have that's better, and it will be. You'll look back and go, I'm better. I'm better because

of the breakup. I'm better because of the hardship I went through. Humans are so resilient and so many have been through heartache, and you've seen the evidence of how they recover. I think Bernie's right. I think you're doing stuff right now that's clinging onto this past relationship. You're running through your mind, what should I have done differently?

What should I have said? How do I be happy alone? Well, the reason that the ultimate reason right now you're not happy alone is because you're still thinking that there's a future with her. Should say empty habits? Yeah, I love that, kill empty habits. I think David Goggins originally said that, so I can't you know, steal his thing? But either way it applies. So I want to ask a question though, of and I think it is a question that applies to a lot of these breakup questions, but also to

some of the other topics. Is this person who was this s? Anonymous? Anonymous? Okay, they've listened to the podcast and the other people that have written in I listen to your podcast for years. It's so awesome, thank you. But then they go on to ask some of the very same questions that you have answered. But there's like, oh this is different because man, I loved her so

much more than anybody else on the podcast. But what do you think it is in human nature that I don't want to listen to the answers and the advice that Grangeur has given on other podcasts that clearly is the same and applies. It's like I gotta, I gotta. Is it just I mean, is it like hello, is this thing on like a are you listening? Or is it more of they just want to get on the podcast, and or is it like I want to share, Like

what what is it? Why do you keep getting the same a lot of the same questions when you're knocking it out of the park. As far as answering, let's let's work through that as you say, let's stress test that. Okay, that's what that's your phrase. Yeah, we're gonna take a break. We're almost out of time. We'll take a break and we'll get back to stress test that question. This podcast is sponsored by Better Help Online Therapy. Relationships take work.

A lot of us will drop anything to go help someone we care about, and we go out of our way to treat any other person, but how often do we give ourselves the same treatment? I mean, have you ever understood the idea that we will literally take care of our pets. And if you take your dog to the vet and get some kind of treatment, say you get a pill for your dog, you will never skip giving that dog a pill. But when it comes to yourself,

very rarely will you take your own pill. This month, Better Help Online Therapy wants to remind you to take care of the most important relationship in your life, and that's the one you have with yourself. Whether it's hitting the gym, or making time for a haircut, or even trying therapy. You are your greatest assets, so invest your time and effort into yourself like you do other people.

On this podcast, we've talked so many times about having wise counsel and seeing therapy if you need it, and this is a great opportunity if you don't have a general therapist in your town. Better Help is online therapy that offers video, phone and even live chat sessions with your therapist, so you don't have to see anyone on camera if you don't want to. It's much more affordable than in person therapy, and you could be matched with a therapist in under forty eight hours. It's really quick,

so give it a try and see why. Over two million people have used better Help online therapy. This podcast is sponsored by better Help and the Grangersmith Podcast Listeners get ten percent off their first month at betterhelp dot com slash granger. That's b E T T E r h E l P dot com slash granger. Okay, so the question that Bernie was just talking about, and that's it's legit. Why do people listen to this podcast and hear similar questions and I'll answer it and then they'll

come back with the same kind of question. The scenario is different, I want to say say on a side note, keep asking them that's okay, sure, yeah, yeah, I love I love answering the questions. So it's not about it's not about hey, they'll change the subjects here. I'm not saying that I love it. I love it. That's that's my job and that's my responsibility. So if you ask me the same question why is the sky blue? Every single week, I promise I would keep trying my best

to answer it. But it's good for you to understand the mindset of the the person riding in, like what is that? And I say something a little different every time, and it helps me. It helps me too, So I think first the first thing place I would go is when you're when you are suffering or you're afflicted, including heartbreak, you are blinded to the outside world in a lot of ways, like you've got you've got horse blinders on.

You can't see right or left. And as much as you've heard say you say you break an ankle, Now, we all know that hurts. We all know I've never broke an ankle. We all know it hurts, and we've we've seen people do it all around us our whole lives, falling out of treehouses or whatever. But when you do it, You're like, wow, this really hurts. No, seriously, this really hurts.

Like I got this pain right here because I broke my ankle and they're got to put they got to put pins in it, and it really it's like you can't And the doctor doesn't say, of course it does. Everyone else hurts. You're like, no, but mine really hurts, you know. So I think when you're when you're afflicted in any way, you start to become blinded by sound,

advice and and everyone around you. So, for instance, Anonymous, if your friends came over, and I'm sure they have to been like, dude, you got to get over this girl, and in instantly in your mind you think you don't know this girl. She's the one you can't tell me. But the truth is they've been there too, They've had the one, They've had the girl that mattered more than anything else. So I think that's part of it. I mean,

what are your thoughts on why people ask the same question. Yeah, you just said something that made me think maybe there's something in our human nature that we long to share in suffering. We long to like people to be included in our lives and what we're going through. So I think, you know, I have grangeur that if I'm like the other day I called you, I was like, hey, this is you know, kind of what's happening. Gave me some great advice. I also call my buddy Chad that I've

known forever. He told me about the same thing. But it's like I knew he probably was going to but for some reason, was like, I probably need to ask Chad to Yeah. And so maybe there's just something in us. And I mean, comment below what y'all think, but maybe there's something in us that's like I I've told Granger this, or I've told my you know, my friends this, But I feel like I also want to share with people that are willing to kind of step into it with me.

I want them to share with it. And you have created a platform and a space here where people feel like you are willing to enter into their heartbreak and their suffering or whatever, which is awesome. That's I mean, And I think people will continue to write in because you've done that. Maybe that's it. It's like, is anybody out there willing to enter into this with me? Because if they are, it doesn't matter if it's five people or fifty you're gonna say yes, come because you entering

in and that relationship is healing to trauma. I mean that's scientific. Trauma is best resolved through relationship and healed through relationship. So maybe that's it, and maybe it's it's I didn't think of this when the question, but maybe it really is a reflection of what you've created here that people feel safe and like, he'll enter this with me. Keep asking if you guys got a heartbreak question? Keep on asking, because I actually enjoy I enjoy walking through it.

But I also want you to see anonymous. Your scenario is you broke up with this girl and you want her back and you're not sure what the future holds with her. And like the question before was Debbie, who's fighting a custody battle losing your kids to an ex that used to be the same person in her life that this girl is to you, It's important to think that the grass is not greener. You fight for this relationship and you just might end up in a custody

battle with your kids. That's good. So it all goes back to being content alone, be content with yourself finding happiness. We believe as Christians that joy and our identity comes through our relationship with Jesus. And you could you could fight, and you could try, and you can climb mountains in Asia and to find purple flowers all you want, but true zin, happiness and joy. Is that a thing am

I like missing? That's a thing like in the movie Batman, he like has to climb the mountain against his purple flowers because that's I don't know, but he's right, there's there's no purple flowers up there. So I talked to a friend of mine that works with us, and we were skiing in Utah and we're going up the ski lift and he said, man, I your podcast has helped

me through your heartbreak questions. And I'm like, really, And he'd never brought this up, and and this guy, he's such a great guy, and he said, I've never experienced traumatic loss in my family. I've never lost a grandparent or you know, sibling or a parent. And so my my only experience with loss heartbreak, and it was really bad.

And it's then once again, it connects me to heartreat heartbreak and grief for very similar you're losing someone you love permanently, and and he said, but going through your podcast helped me and I instantly on this on this ski lift, I was like, okay, tell me more, Like tell me more so I can know what to say, like walk me through the beginning and all the way through the process. And he told me that he went for eight months missing her, crying, needing her back, longing

for her. And I was like, well, what was the tipping point? Like what happened? And he said, you know, besides his relationship with God that he leaned on and through that probably came a lot of understanding. But the thing that he physically did was he blocked her on all social media. And you've got to get over the fact that I don't want to offend her or I don't want to make her mad more mad at me, or I don't want her to think I don't love her.

Just forget all that and just block her on everything so she does not come back into your mind. Ever, she doesn't pop up on your feed and you see her out with their friends or god forbid, with a new guy, or doing anything that she's having fun without you. That is gone, that is out of your mind, out of sight, out of mind. In fact, don't you think heartbreak was probably easier to get over in the eighteen hundreds. Oh, for sure, you just literally move to other town and

never see them. Yeah. First of all, we've evolved into some very sensitive people and so like we're very feelings feelings based, and they just weren't back then. They're like, Okay, I would say block her on everything, and there's this. The only reason you're not doing it right now is because because of this thought that maybe I'll get back with her. She'll find you if it's meant to be. You'll see her at the grocery store, you'll see her somewhere.

You'll see her some scenario. But it's not going to be on Facebook. Yeah, you're not going to get past that until you start to heal. And you can't heal until you remove some of those things. Yeah, your mind, the way that it's wired, these neuropathways are going to see certain things and they're going to immediately go back to this place, and so you have to remove those things. Whatever it is. It was an old T shirt, the way the T shirt like, Yes, you got to remove

yourself from a time until you can heal. For sure. You know what's crazy. This is the last thing I'll say about heartbreak unless we get the next question about it. But as humans, we start to connect the pain with the actual memory, and so when the memory starts fading, we reconnect with the pain to bring it back to us a little bit. Because we miss the person, we miss them memory, and we've had so much pain about the memory. We make this connection, and so we kind

of start loving the pain. And so we go back to Facebook and we try to see if she's with somebody new. Maybe she's having fun, maybe she went back to that her ex boyfriend. I gotta see. You're putting yourself in the fire on purpose, not to hurt yourself, but because the fire is connected with the memory. Why

do we do that to ourselves? I don't know. I think now we do have so many more avenues of distraction or not distraction, of actually distracting us from the important things and moving on, but so many more things to grab our attention and take us back to those places than we used to. Man and kill empty habits, kill empty habits. All right, let's see what we got next. Broke up with this girl? I mu as well read it.

I might as well, just because it popped up. It says, hey, Granger recently broke up with this girl after one year. I broke up with her because my family did not like her, especially my mom. I currently attend college with her and have her in most of my classes. How do I move on and be okay seeing her with other people when I'm seeing her all the time? Okay, boy, you better listen to your mama. I think I think

so too. I think what we could take this question the direction of my family didn't like her, Well, there's a reason. And you can't tell me your whole family your name is William, William. You can't tell me your whole family is crazy. And you're the only sane one and you're the only one that saw her in the right light, and everyone else saw her as wrong for you. Right, they're not crazy, so take it with the grain of salt.

You see a lighter side of her, but they saw something in her that they didn't like reflecting in you. So here you are stuck with heartbreak. For a different scenario, but you, you are in her classes, sit on the other side of the classroom, block her from social media. You've got to get her out of side, out of mind. We'll connect it with the last question. Yeah, I mean

I think there's another layer. Not only have y'all broken up and so it's just like the one before this, but also you have the reinforced family dynamic that's saying, dude, she's not it, you need to move on. So here's a tough one. Do you love her? Because if the answer is yes, if what you felt was love, then her finding another guy that's good for her, that makes her happy shouldn't bother you. That's difficult. Cool, that's high

level right there, that's high level heartbreak. But you got to tell yourself was I loving her for the right reasons? Because if it was the right reason, then just to see her happy and smile, since you broke up with her and be with someone that brings her joy in a relationship that shouldn't bother you, that you should be

glad for her. That's tough. Yeah, there needs to be a Granger Smith podcast where we have a big bonfire and a lot of people sitting around, and William is one of the ones because there's a lot more questions that I would have for him to kind of dig into the details. But just from the thirty thousand foot view, I think nailed every bit of his question. All right,

let's see what we have here. Next subject line today's podcast, and it says I lost my dad, his wife, my aunt step aunt this past December, within a few weeks, all due to COVID. My dad and his wife within eight hours of each other. The first thing you said today on the podcast was about missing your dad today is tough. I'm really missing him today. Just seems like it may have been a sign. Thank you, Christopher. Not not really a question in here, So Christopher, thanks for listening.

And I would say, I would say, keep showing up. I'm so sorry for your your heavy losses, and keep showing up. I would say, get up in the morning, get out of bed. Set your alarm. This this is going through extreme grief. Set your alarm for the morning, regardless of when you go to bed. Say you stay up really late, either working or grieving or distracted or

Instagram or TV whatever, you stay up really late. Set your alarm regardless of what time you go to bed, and wake up and get up and start a simple routine. I'm talking simple like coffee, brush your teeth, some kind of exercise, and stick with it and keep showing up, go to work, don't skip work, show up, be around people being in that community. Open the windows, let the

sun come in. Make sure you're not skipping meals. If you're skipping meals, go to the go to a vitamin shop and get a meal replacement shake that you could just throw in a blender and drink to get those calories. Don't skip your meals. Don't don't eat bad food. Might try so hard, it's difficult to not go and get fried chicken every night or a cheeseburger. Try to keep

try to eat cleaner. Your brain needs that fuel. And then do these things enough, and that will stop you from being so distracted at night that you can't go to sleep. It'll also stop you from waking up at two am and thinking about Dad, because sometimes you wake up and you open your eyes from a dream and the first thought you have is he's gone. She's gone.

And then you're stuck, and it's like it's like you were in a dream world, and then reality hits you, and now you're up from two am to three am sad thinking about it, and then that affects you trying to get up, and then you end up sleeping in and then you're rushing to get your clothes on to

go to work. So see this little loop I made, So I would say the first thing for me that's so important is to get up when that alarm goes off and start your simple morning routine that includes exercise, eating something decent, brushing your teeth, drinking your coffee, getting dressed. Because that's a chain reaction that's gonna you're gonna be tired during the day. You're not gonna you're gonna sleep better, your appetitle be up, especially if you're exercising. You notice

I haven't even said anything about grief and loss. This is like self maintenance. It's like this is you're taking your truck to the to the magnet shop and you're doing You're checking all the fluids. You're making sure you got air in your tires. Why, because that's how you drive better without a breakdown. Yeah, this is what you're talking about is standards and to you know, paint the picture. We're we have choices to base our actions on feelings

or standards. I remember your brother Tyler sent me that video when we were going through you know, just recovering from trauma and and grief and loss from He sent me this video of Ben Newman, I think was the guy that does this really great video on choosing standards over feelings. Because our feeling is it's cold. I'm warm in the bed. I know the alarm's going off, but

I'm just kinda snooze. But the standard is you wake up and then you get coffee and then you brush your teeth or vice versa for you since you're you know, do accrids. But I think he I think Grangeer, this is great advice and a good place to start. I think we can both relate to this, and I think you're in this place of grief and recovery and this is pretty traumatic, I would say, for that much loss

and short amount of time. And so just remember that one of the most important elements of healing from trauma is relationship. So make sure that you are processing these things with people, that you're talking about them, that you're living, You're living this out within community with people so that they can be there for you, they can listen, and that those relationships, I feel like will help you kind

of find find your way. We could use this same talk for heartbreak too, because, like I said, heartbreak and grief for brothers very close. I didn't even realize this really till recently, how close they are. So if you're listening with heartbreak, I would say the same thing. Open your blinds, let the sunlight in, get around people, exercise somewhat, try to eat well. Here's another thing. When your brain is compromised, which it is in grief or heartbreak, stay

away from alcohol. It's so important. I'm talking about any kind of even social drinking. If you know your mind is compromised, run from it. Because alcohol will make it worse every time. And you think it's the opposite. Listen to any nineties country song you think it's the opposite. It's gonna help you, it's gonna help you forget, You're gonna sober up it sometime. It always makes it worse.

And so I'm not saying don't ever drink alcohol. I'm just saying, if your mind is compromised, be very careful of that poison that you could be doing to yourself. It's gonna ruin this routine we're talking about of waking up and getting started and exercising and eating right. It's gonna ruin all that, and it's gonna make things worse. That's good. We got to have for one more? Are we done? Yeah? Another one? Oh, let me say one more thing. This happened in December. Give yourself grace too.

This is brand new, so you got a year, entire year, you're gonna deal with this at the full strength until this coming December twenty twenty two. So after that, after you go through all the one year anniversaries, it's gonna get a little easier on you. But give yourself grace that right now you're in the heat of it, and grief is a wave. You're gonna find some days you're on the crest and some days you're down in the trough. And sometimes that frequency happens every couple of minutes. So

just recognize I'm in the trough right now. This is really I'm feeling bad. I feel heavy. I'm gonna come back up. I don't know when, but I'll be And then an hour goes by and you're like, actually feel better, And then we're all wired differently, so that timeframe could be different for him. And if he has I'm sure he has other people that have experienced the same thing and they're going through grief and loss and trauma, and that moment that they're able to switch from I'm processing feelings.

I'm kind of living in that. It's so I can't even get to the point of standards. It's going to be at a different moment in time. So have grace for those people to and don't judge yourself. Yeah, I was like, man, he's doing so well, and like, I still feel it's okay. It's okay exactly. Next question, subject line says, do we do what's best for my wife's dream and future career? I graing your big fan of the podcast in your music. My name is Ian, I'm

twenty three from Cedar Rapids, Iowa. My wife has recently been accepted into grad school at the University of Memphis, and that's where she's going to go to college and to where she's been going to college for the last four years. It's been a dream of both of us since we even before we moved out of excuse me really start over. It's been a dream of both of ours since before we even knew each other to move out of Iowa. And we both agree that Tennessee is

a great place to go. University of Memphis is very hard place to get accepted to in a top rated program in her field. We are hesitant to go because we both have our families here in Iowa. It would make it very difficult for our families to watch our seven month year old daughter grow up from so far away. I'm a Union Electric Electrical apprentice and I wouldn't be able to so it wouldn't be too difficult for me to move where I'm going. It feels like her best choice,

and I don't want to leave our families. It's an amazing opportunity for her, and like I said, we both have been wanting to move away for quite some time. Any advice would be appreciated. So it sounds like he's got a checklist going on in his mind here and most of the checks are going to move into Tennessee, but he's got one in the Iowa call him and that's family, And it sounds like it sounds like he's hesitant, and that's why he's emailing me because he feels like

he feels a lot of pressure in accepting this. Mm hmm, Yeah, that's a tough decision. What's his name? Ian Ian Ian understand the difficulty in leaving family and leaving built in babysitters with you know, having the parents right there, So I don't know if the conversation and this is again where we kind of need you sitting here with us, like what has the conversation been like with your parents or with the family that is there? Are they supportive?

Are they are there other details of this move that kind of way in one direction or another that you're for whatever reason, haven't put in the email. But I think a lot of times we can be we can know what to do, and and we feel God moving us to do something, and then we start to use these very small other reasons to to keep us from not following and being obedient, which is by far the most important thing we're called to. Man Ian, this is the best advice I can give to you. You are

considering moving across the country. You're leaving grandparents of your of your little daughter with your wife. Here, here's my best advice. You will not be married to Tennessee or Memphis, meaning you can go for six months and go you know what we messed up. Let's go back to Iowa. This is not what we expected. This is too difficult, This is too hard on her daughter and her relationship with her grandparents. We're going back. That's gonna cost you

a little money. That'll be a mis not a mistake. That'll be a a move. That will cost you a little bit of money to have to go back, But that is a loss that you should be willing to take. Maybe there's an opportunity to stay at the in laws house for a short amount of time if you come back, But that's a safety net that is worth having. It's worth saying to your wife. I mean, think how good she's gonna feel when you say, Babe, I'm so happy

for this opportunity for you. I'm so proud that you have worked so hard and this is a very difficult school to get into, and this is your dream, babe, and I want to support you one hundred percent in this dream. I will I will carry that burden and I will be able to get a job as an electrician in Memphis. I think it's a great adventure. We get to have some great barbecue, we get to see meet new friends, find a new church. I'm really excited. It's not I don't I can't tell you how far

Memphis is from Cedar Rapids. I'm assuming it's like an eight hour drive or something like that. So we're still a day's drive from the parents. If we really need to go back, we'll go back. But I think you say, and by the way, Babe, we're not married to this decision. We're not glued to Tennessee. If it comes down to it, you could pull out of school and we'll go straight back.

We'll go back to our safety net. And so that's the reason I would tell you Ian, do it and don't have any reservations and put it all, put all that praise on her, like, I'm so proud of you, and she years from now, she'll be like when something comes up with you, she's gonna be like, Babe, you supported me when we wanted to go to Memphis, So of course I'm gonna let you do this. Yeah, now, that's really good. I think it's our human nature too,

And I do this, Guys. I'm as guilty as anybody to start and I'm type A. So it's like, I want to plan and I want to know the future, and but the future is none of your business. Yeah, you remember, there's probably a lot of steps that have to happen before you load up the U haul and go. Yes, So just take the first one with the heart of God. If this is not your will, close the door. We feel the nudge. We're trying to be obedient. He knows

your heart is that's where it's at. Just take the next thing that's in front of you, and you're gonna feel if that's your prayer, your honest prayer, I think the door is gonna shut in your face if you're not supposed to go, and you're gonna feel, you're gonna feel confident in staying. That's exactly what I was gonna say. I was gonna say, do you remember Indiana jones last crusade.

He's going after the Holy Grail, and he's one of the tests Indiana Jones is doing is he's walking across that canyon and it's an invisible step and he just has to close his eyes and just take the step. And it's like, that's what you're doing. Ian. You're saying, God, I trust you, I'm gonna take this step, and I promise you you're gonna know quickly as things start piling up and that step isn't there anymore? Like we can

find a place. I couldn't find an electrician job. She doesn't like any of the professors we couldn't find a good church. You're gonna go. This is not working. This opposite will happen too. If you're like, wow, I got a job quickly. It's actually a good paying job. She actually loves her classes. We actually met some friends next door that we really like. Yeah, pray for those things. Pray for. God is not a god of confusion. Just be prayerful. Yeah, and Bernie doesn't mean pray for the

good things. He means pray for clarity and the good or the bad, so that you know it's time to go to Iowa or it's time to stay in Tennessee. That's right. That's why it's all good. When the future is none of our business, and if all we want is for God to use our lives, there is no bad Staying isn't bad, and going isn't good. It's obedience that's good, and that's what you're after, So there is no bad option here. Love you, guys, That's all we

got today. See next than thank you for having me, see you, thanks for joining me on the Grangersmith podcast. I appreciate all of you. Guys. You could help me out by rating this podcast on iTunes. If you're on YouTube, subscribe to this channel, hit that little like button and the notification spell so that you never miss anytime I upload a video. If you have a question for me that you would like me to answer, email Grangersmith Podcast at gmail dot com. Yigi