Action! Pat, everyone's very excited that Pat made an appearance on the show. He's back. I'm here again. Nope. No one famous for jerking off in movie theaters on your show today, so you just went. Oh, I'm sorry. Wait, hold on. Is it hot? It's a little hot in here. Oh, no. It's like a little bit hot in here. Oh, no. It's not. I turn the air conditioning on. You know I do. Oh, really? Yeah, no, it's definitely not hot. It's like 64. It's not warm, but it's not warm in here. I'm freezing. I am.
I hate your cut so much. Pat is fired. How do I fire Like, how could I fire Pat? You're fired. I will only let this person fire me. No, you're fired. I'm telling you. Hold on, let me, hold on. You are fired. I believe you. I believe you. Now give me all my links. Now release me. Give me the hard drive. I didn't do this. Do you realize that, okay, Mikey, I'm being bullied. Do you understand? We did not coordinate this at all.
I know. This is how, okay, this is what being a girl boss is. You end up having people you work with and they just bully you and they troll you and I won't have it. You know, it's rare to have a job that you love so much that you will make tribute. I spend most of my time
talking to Mikey and Pat about like, hey, can we like maybe make the lighting a little bit better? I look like Steve Buscemi. Like, hey, can we like lighten this? Can we get rid of those like crow's feet so that Reddit doesn't, you know, do like a whole tribute post and like start putting out a calendar of... you know, how I'm getting older and then make sure it's of my chin having a thousand wrinkles. count one two three four mikey's counting my chance like how am i
How is this not abuse? Do we, who do I, I don't know. Again, you are fired as soon as we shoot 100 more episodes. You're out of here. Two more years and you're out of here. Okay. No, where's my email password? This happens four or five more times. You're gone. So it's a casual Sunday, right? I'm taking the day off to really rest, to relax.
to take care of my mental health. So I decided to look at my direct messages. You know, self-care. I'm going to go not into the people I know, into the... Beyond the comments, into the DMs. I want to talk to you guys. I want to find out who wants to kill me and how. Okay? Just as a Sunday wind down. And I get this DM, well, I get a bunch of DMs about this, but the one that I really started reading, I was informed that there are Trump ads running. on our show.
on apple or something and because look i i was a little confused for a while because i would get instagram comments and tiktok comments where people like oh Win your MAGA now. Like, what's up? I figured these were, like, Matan fans. Or, I don't know. you know burner accounts of my family members who i stopped giving money to like i didn't know i was just like oh but One of these DMs, someone was nice enough to lay out. They were like, you know, on Apple Podcasts, there's been a Trump ad running.
for a couple months on your podcast. The fact that this has been going in front of my podcast without me knowing is so frustrating because you know how hard I work? to believe that both sides are terrible. One is a wolf in sheep's clothing, one is a wolf in wolf's clothing. Did you see how I just did a thought, like a... Yeah, that's like going A and two. Two! But they're all wolves.
that live next to each other in the hamptons and cape cod and they're all friends i just don't know what he was selling It was just like, hey, how do we make sure Whitney's YouTube comments suck forever? What if that ad didn't appear anywhere else? And it was just, hey, let's... Crap in front of Whitney's podcast every week. It felt like a prank.
And I felt like I was going crazy. If I had not been sent so many videos of it being screen recorded going before my podcast, it's the first thing you hear. It's not like halfway through the show. It would be good to know if anybody... else has heard it anywhere else, because I had never heard that before. Look, I'm just annoyed.
All right, I called my ad salesperson. He said he had no idea what was going on, which I guess is, you know, possible. I mean, how could podcast ad salespeople know that much since they spend most of their time on mushrooms at Bonnaroo trying to sign Haktua's hologram? Like, I know they're very busy. I just work.
I work a lot in network TV as well. I get it. I'm a Hollywood dork, but I come to YouTube and podcasting so that I'm not going to be censored, right? Because of all my, you know, self-sabotage Tourette's and, you know, my need to publicly advocate for.
justice for shirley temple twice a week i get it but now all of a sudden i kind of appreciate lawyers and standards and practices and people like making sure that a person who's committed to making fun of both sides doesn't have her show open with a pro-trump ad for six months it's just like
it's when he's not even running again like it's just an ad for him like as a person it's not even an ad for him for president it's just it's annoying and i get now if you thought i was like a red pill grifter or russian asset you're right I was wrong. And I'm sorry. Now you know. Pat said I might have gotten $1,800. south of like around $1,800? At most. So if I receive this money, the $1,800 from the pro-Trump Campaign. I'm going to get Botox. Right here.
that will show because it because this has aged me this whole thing has aged me and i've not gotten botox in two and a half years and i think it's time anyway don't get successful guys it's so it's pointless it's just like i was sitting there on sunday and i was just like why what like just the whole okay you get successful just to get undermined by some ad sales database or person that
By the way, they just blame each other. There's no accountability in literally anything. You'll say, hey, how did this happen to a person? And then the person's like, well, it was the computer. And then you go to ask the computer, and they're like, well, the person would have had to manually put something in for me to do this automatic thing anyway. The database is like, humans allowed us to do this. We're not conscious. I would wager that the voice of Trump in that ad was an AI generator.
So now you're being insulting. Now you're being insulting. Now you're saying only an AI-generated Trump would bother. show. No, just a performance. Now it's just being heard. I just love it. My only goal is to be able to make fun of both sides. I work so hard to make fun of both sides and be balanced.
You know, and the great thing about this country is that you get to criticize how sometimes our leadership is not so great, right? Like politicians, they get insider trading tips and comedians get to make fun of that without going to jail. And we get to make fun of our politicians and make money. That is the funniest thing to me about the United States is that one of the biggest businesses in America is podcasting. criticizing our government.
Like, if the government suddenly got awesome here, so many podcasters who said they wanted that would immediately go broke. Like, all these podcasters are like, the government sucks, the government sucks. What if you fix it?
Yeah. Then what are you going to do? There's nothing to podcast about. Then they'll just podcast about their depression because everything's got, like, what if you actually get what you want? They'll be like, oh, wait, why don't you guys listen to us? Like, I want my foreskin back. Like we put an end to our own business model by pointing out problems. We didn't think you'd actually solve them. Now we don't even get sent free Bluetooth to our apartments.
Here's my deal. I just go hard at both sides. So to have a pro Trump ad on the podcast, like sincerely, it was so embarrassing to find out. Like, I mean, you guys know I roasted Trump. 10 years ago at his actual rose for Comedy Central.
And then roasted the left on CNN this year. After the CNN thing, I went on a left-wing network and made fun of the left. And if I went on a right-wing, I make fun of the right. But this podcast is not supposed to be either of those, you know? So it just, like, drove me nuts, you know?
Yeah, like, on the CNN thing, I rattled off a bunch of, you know, news stories that I didn't think the establishment media would ever cover. And, you know, I said, like, fluoride is in the water. Isn't it? Is it not? Am I wrong? My only point is I find it weird that we can't drink from the faucet or the sink or a plastic water bottle. I'm just, I'm so thirsty. I just wanted to go on CNN and figure out a way to drink water. I am so dehydrated at this point. Look at my hair.
Okay? It gets curlier every time you see me, right? I'm just saying, if you're going to put fluoride in the water, maybe add some lithium while you're at it so when we find out about the fluoride, we're not in a bad mood about it. Can we just get some water? I have cotton mouth. I'm begging you. And look, to be clear, I'm too left for the right. I'm too right for the left. Fine.
It's also wild to me that anyone who watches a comedian and spends the entire time trying to figure out who they voted for is such a weird way to watch comedy. If you had a brain in your head, you'd be watching a comedian go, God, I hope they don't vote. Like, why do you want us to vote at all?
Why would you want either of us? We talk about the most shameful, embarrassing things and are truly, like, most of us just talk about how despicable we are. And you're like, you're not a Democrat? Bye. People see a comedian talking about, like, watching stepsister porn. and the comments are like you're not on my side politically i'm out of here like why do you want them on your side
Like, you don't agree with me on everything I think I know? Unsubscribe, block your red pill. Like, what is happening? I just, I don't know. To me, the present, like, for a Trump ad to be on my podcast is just, like, so stupid. Like, I don't even. The president? Like, what are we, five? What are you, the president? You're the president? Like, literally. People want to be the president when they're five. You're not doing the morning announcements in high school on your podcast.
It's like when a flight attendant talks too long. You're like, they just really want to talk. You're like, let them have it. Like, I'm the president. Like, what are we doing? To me, the president is just so goofy. It's like the president to me is like a boyfriend. Every four years, you have to pick one. And then you spend the next three years regretting your choice. Like, it's just like.
I just feel like the way that all of politics is set up, it's conducive only to psychopaths running for office. Anyone who looks at the world and is like... I can... I could run this. is an insane person, like a clinically insane person, okay? It's that person. And then they're like, wait a second. I get to be on TV 24 hours a day and meet with bankers and get paid off by corporate interests and live in a giant house built by slaves. Where do I sign up?
get me on with goldman sachs i want to be that president dude voting in america this is my take on left and Until either of them talk about voting being a holiday, I can't even, I don't even know what to say. I shut down if I cannot. like, get to the root of what would actually change something. Voting in America not being a holiday is so insane to me, and I feel like nobody talks. We post about National Hot Dog Day. Do you know there's a National Donut Day?
I dug it. February 7th, National Work Naked Day. That's a day. April 1st is Fun at Work Day. Those feel like they're the same day. April 30th is called Honesty Day. Only America has a day. That's like, can we tell the truth today, guys? Just one day a year? September 1st, Emma Nut Day. Who's Emma Nut? Am I not? Am I wrong? Emma not day. September 1st is Emma not day.
I focused on this because I found the only person with a worse last name than me. The point is, when someone is like, are you left? Are you right? Like, I don't, I'm, I'm two Asperger's. I'm like, how come neither of them want election day to be a holiday? Okay, why are both of them okay with Supreme Court justice as being 200 years old? Why is someone that still says color get to decide what's currently...
a good idea. Comedians, we make fun of both sides. That's our thing, right? Nobody is good enough for us. We go from town to town slinging wiener jokes and no one is good enough. to be our leader. We tried to make drunk strangers laugh because our moms thought we were duds. And we will nitpick other people's character and expect nothing but perfection when it comes to our megalomaniacs. We expect our politicians to be as perfect as our mom would have needed us to be.
remember to pick us up from school. And by school, I mean that woman's house down the street who bred Dobermans, who was supposed to be teaching us to read, but we just watched coverage of the JonBenet Ramsey trial. Oh, Huel. You guys, I actually use Huel. This is a drink that has a bunch of vitamins in it. This episode is sponsored by Huel. I'm supposed to read that. And this says, no time to cook, no problem. No, I have time to cook.
I just don't want- Because I have a son and I don't know what it is with men and fire. as a child he wants to go touch it he wants to be in it I don't know um I it's unclear uh but I use Huel like for real um it's like a bunch of vitamins in a drink and As we all know, I'm so busy saving time with all these time-saving apps that I cannot make food. There is no time to cook. The meteor is coming. Enter Huel. It's a ready-to-drink complete meal in one bottle. It contains 35 grams of protein.
27 vitamins no wonder I look so good vitamins and I was just drinking it because I just thought it was like a chocolate milkshake I thought it was like a yahoo high fiber, it's low sugar. There's no prep and there's no cleanup. Well, there's for me because after I finish it, I throw the bottle across the yard.
but that's just me. Huel has sold over 500 million meals worldwide designed by experts to provide, like real experts, not like the male podcasters that you listen to. Blah, blah, blah. There's no hassle. Just look at me. look at my energy level like i'm just such a sprightly like you know fountain fountain of fuel Spraying it everywhere. They've got chocolate.
They've got vanilla. It's also affordable. Each meal is less than $5. It gives you a solid option if you're trying to save money without compromising your health. Here's an offer for new customers. You're going to get 15% off. Plus a free gift when you use my code Whitney at Huel.com slash Whitney. That's Huel, H-E-U-L.com slash Whitney. If you see me in the airport, I will be holding Huel. FYI. Skip the stress, not the nutrition. Try Huel.
betterhelp.com it is mental health awareness month that's um And we're celebrating by me having crimped hair. We are celebrating by making sure I appear as mentally ill as possible in every episode of this month. It's Mental Health Awareness Month, which means in every episode, I'm going to make sure you guys try to get me 51-50.
This will, every episode will be a cry for help. Mental health is just as important as physical. Pat, what do you do for your mental health? Oh. Besides mute me. I pretend I don't exist. You don't, though. I know. That's my trick. Mental health is just as important as physical health, and many people avoid therapy because of stigma, inconvenience, or fear of judgment. No, I avoid therapy because I don't think I have any problems. I'm delusional.
and I'm too busy solving other people's fake problems, okay? But I will read your copy, BetterHelp, because I know you know more about what's going on than I do. BetterHelp, it's an online platform. It connects you to licensed therapists.
not like the guy with crystals in the hotel room. Fool me once. They've served over 5 million people around the world, and they make it easy to find someone who fits your needs. It all happens online. No waiting rooms, no driving, no scheduling around work hours. Pat, I skipped a line and I got you. Pat helps me with the teleprompter moving it and I was so smooth that he...
You're going to have to talk about that in therapy later. It's like, damn it. Do they have speech therapists in better health? Every time I have a burn for Pat, I start. Whether you've been in therapy before or whether you're just starting to explore it now, BetterHelp can help you with your coping skills, manage stress, and improve how you feel every day. Or don't do it.
And just keep commenting on celebrities' social media posts. That seems to be working well for you. Get 10% off your first month at BetterHelp.com slash Whitney. That's BetterHelp.com slash B-E-T-T-E-R-H-E-L-P dot com slash. W-H-I-T-N-E-Y. BetterHelp.com slash Whitney to take that first step towards feeling.
Okay. I'll be in Calgary on September 5th. I'm going to be in Ridgefield, Connecticut, two shows, Huntington, New York, getting Lyme disease on September 6th. Then I'll be in Vancouver, Canada, Richmond, Virginia. I'm going to go back to Roanoke from where I hail. Then I'll be in Norfolk, Virginia, Toronto, Ontario, Baltimore, Maryland. Let's go Arkansas, Redding, Pennsylvania.
Philadelphia, where I went to college. So come through. If you are my college bully, I'd like to talk to you. Then Fort Lauderdale, Florida, and then New Orleans is on here. Apparently there is a new travel ID we all need to have, and it involves going to the DMV. So it seems like I will be canceling the aforementioned tour date.
Do you know about this? You know yet? Where did you hear about this? I've been hearing about it for like 10 years and they kept kicking it down the road. You need new friends, Pat. New friends. Get them immediately. It's the only thing anyone's talked to me about for 10 years.
And I haven't done it yet. I've like heard about it. But my thing when you hear about something, like someone will tell me when it's time. And then I'm going to Vegas this weekend. You might not be able to get on the plane. I'm like, was someone going to tell me about this? Like whose responsibility?
I mean, they announced it in like 2020 and then I think COVID just happened and everybody just forgot about it. The deadline was in 2020, I think. And then they said, oh, we're going to extend it two years. Extend it two years. Hey, both of you, shut up. That's not true. It's not true. None of it's true. None of what you're saying is true. Okay. All right. Get in my timeline.
Like, it is funny, though. It is really like this guy's mom. Like, I've heard about this. I don't think I heard about it until I heard about what is to vote. You know what I mean? Who told you about this five years ago? Name them. Name them. Name them, Mikey. It's in big, bold letters when you get your driver and your car registration renewed, anything from the DMV that comes to you. It's all bold. Oh, yeah, yeah. Me and my opening my DMV envelopes. They're allowing the password.
So I would have seen it if I opened my jury duty summons? Yeah. Perhaps? Yeah. Huh. Huh. Look, I am being mansplained. by a bully. Okay, so there's a new travel ID. It's a real ID, it's called. It's just called a real ID. They really just gave up on brainstorming the title. It's just called a real ID, which is so annoying. It's like the pants called guests. I hate you.
uh it's like a prank like do you have your real id which one no the real one like the real kind of undermining all the authority they had previously too unlike the passport that was like not really a real one yeah but what was this one all the fake one from the last 100 years? I feel like this really snuck off on us. May 7th. Okay. To board domestic flights, you need a real ID, compliant license or ID, passport.
It's enacted to enhance national security by increasing the security and reliability of state-issued identification documents. It aims to make it more difficult for individuals to use fraudulent or altered identification documents. So how about the people that looked at the other IDs just get them off drugs? They're like, people were getting through with fake ones. Like, whose fault is that?
I never just comment. Yeah, like, everyone that works there is, you know what I mean? Maybe pay the people that work there so that they look a little harder at the ID. I don't know. Something's going on. There were drones in the sky for like two weeks in New Jersey and then we just stopped talking about it and now we need a star on our license. It's a star. The real one has a star on it.
Wasn't that the World War II Germany aesthetic for labeling people? Is Kanye West designing the new IDs, guys? I feel like you've had a while. to figure out what emoji you're gonna put on the new ID. Anyway, we have to go get another ID. Now I have to go get another ID. How about you guys maybe get your pilots to go get their license renewed?
A lot of planes seem to be falling out of the sky and crashing into stuff lately. Maybe it's not on us to have more forms of ID. Maybe you need to send your pilots to rehab. What if instead of us going to the DMV and annoying all the underpaid government employees who are only still working there because the email that got sent firing them went to junk?
How about you guys just service your planes? I just don't feel like us not having a third ID on us is the problem with aviation at the moment. Maybe people were sneaking on planes with fake IDs because there's no humans. at the airport anymore. It's all these rickety old machines. You remember the red box? They just repurposed it into a bag check. Vending machine, you go...
Dude, I go to the airport now. You check into a machine. I put my bag tag in, right? I, like, scan a bunch. I go into a conveyor. Then I bring it to the conveyor belt, right? Then I go to the TSA guy. They take a photo of me on, like, a Kindle.
oh yeah they have the little dotted circle and you have to like put your face in the target yeah I'm just like a little like a palm pilot like some old like I'm just like what is happening like sign this with your stylist I'm like what is that is that a Is that a sidekick? What is this? And then I, and you're telling me security's locks? And then I go on the plane, I get invited into the cockpit. I mean, that's when I was blonde only, but still.
This literally going to the airport is less legit security than like fire festival at this point. What if they just need another form of ID so they can track us down when we bring more than two items on the plane? You're just at your house one day and these two officers show up and they're like, hey, we heard two weeks ago that your flight to Memphis, you had a purse and a backpack and a personal item.
and you didn't steal them before takeoff, and you ran a bulkhead. That's three. It's a guy on your lawn going, that's three. You just wake up one morning, it's a guy in the mist next to your mailbox. like So we all need another ID to fly within the United States. But, I mean, if you want to really do something shady, you can just drive. Right? Am I wrong? So this idea is really only for terrorists who get easily...
is basically why we're on. Maybe it's good. I don't know. Maybe it's good. Maybe this is good. You know me and my delusional mindset these days. Maybe it'll weed out people who don't know how to behave on a plane. Maybe this is what this is for. Honestly, I changed my mind. I like it.
I'm into it. This could maybe deter some of the like barefoot on a plane people. The people that cut their toenails on a plane. I feel like aren't going to be taking this law too seriously. The hot women in tank tops on edibles having a manic episode. at the flight attendant maybe maybe you know they'll just be like you know what i'm gonna steal someone's car and drive to phoenix like i feel like
We might have some less crazies. Or maybe this is just how they get us to stop flying. Because they know how dangerous flying is now. There's going to be...
crazy amount of meltdowns at security. Oh my god, I can't wait. People get really frustrated. It's going to be like every short guy at the club. Security is going to be like... super backed up because of all the people they have to turn away so then having clear or having pre-check is going to be the only way to really get through security why is it the less we know who we are as people, the more proof of identities we need. They're just like trolling non-binary people at this point.
You need another ID. Every social media post, we're like, I'm still discovering who I am. I'm finding my authentic self. They're like, pick a self. Again. The need to be special is something that I feel like we're starting to... reverse on. Do you see that this YouTuber, this famous YouTuber quits?
It's called Outdoor Boys. He was getting like super famous. He had 15 million followers. I told you fame's not fun. We've told you this. No one believes. No one believed Prince. Now what? No one believes anyone. Fame is like the thing that you cannot talk someone out of. It's like a toxic relationship. You can never tell someone to break up with someone in a toxic relationship. It's never gonna happen.
They have to find out for themselves. He has 15 million followers from camping outside, building cabins with his children on YouTube, and he's quitting. So from now on, on my YouTube, I will be camping outside and building cabins with my... this is a new artistic direction that i just thought of like just completely spontaneously his thing in the video he was like this is just getting out of hand i'm just like getting too famous okay well If you had done it for another month.
You would have been canceled. So let's just, you're just the first person in like the evolutionary like Darwinism of this who's like, let me just get out while I'm on top. Like no one's really made it. Forever, right? Seems like someone remembered they had a tricky Halloween costume 20 years ago and decided to call it. And the thing, he's like, the messages were getting overwhelming from the fans, like all those nudes that I couldn't stop downloading.
Just trying to get ahead of a few things. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I gotta go burn my thumbprints off, and then maybe I'll reconsider doing some lives. Now that I'm done digging a thousand holes in the woods, I'm gonna go MIA for a bit. You know, I don't know. It was like, it's made my life hard. Okay. Maybe that was it. Maybe one of the kids that was, you know, on your YouTube channel for all that time. Maybe they got weird.
Maybe they just weren't as dazzling on camera as a teenager. I don't know. Maybe they just weren't testing well. Imagine trying to recast your kid on your YouTube channel. My God, the way they did with Becky on Roseanne. Yeah. so good oh dude a bunch of 11 year olds are like you like camping dude that is so funny i love i love i love
I'm just, I'm telling you, fame's not fun anymore, right? Fame is not fun. This guy just called it, you know? Fame at this point is just people coming up to you and being like, You look like that. People come up and say, you look like Whitney Cummings, but way less annoying. You're like, cool. It's just people coming up to you, insulting the person they think you are, who you actually are. They're like, hey, Whitney Cummings.
Are you Winnie Cummings? Oh, you remind me of Winnie Cummings, but not as annoying. It's like that. That's all that happens. It's just people being like, look, I don't know you, but my girlfriend does.
Cool. Fame is humiliating. It's not glamorous anymore. Everyone just wants to know whether you're right-wing or left-wing. Whose team are you on? Marilyn Monroe was standing above a subway grate with getting the subway... hepatitis air blowing into her crevices and everyone thinking that was the sexiest thing that had ever happened was everyone was like but who did she vote for
Did this happen, like, to Tom Green and the jackass guys? Like, when Steve-O was having a scrotum bitten off by an alligator or someone was like, hey, hey, did he post about the queers for Kamala? Like, is this, does this always happen? Was everyone like... but who did Dennis Rodman vote for? I need to know. He thinks we need more mental health care. He wears a dress in the game, but is he doing enough for the non-binary community? He's wearing a dress in the NBA. It's not enough.
That's the key to being famous, though. Dennis Rodman, you know, I always go back to Dennis Rodman, dude. The key to being famous is you have to be out of your mind from the get-go. You gotta be bonkers out of the gate. So when you inevitably want to hang out with a Korean dictator, everyone's like... cool. Like, ah. How can we be mad? He gets to. He gets to. All right. This is important. Since everyone wants to be famous now, listen, listen here to Auntie.
You've got to just be crazy off the bat, all right? Do not go out of the gate with moral superiority because then, then you get those people as your fans, all right? Logan Paul nailed it. Started off just... electrocuting rats, right? Smart business move. Otherwise famous, just people saying like, you aren't using your platform responsibly and them just being disappointed in you later.
Okay? Which, by the way, when did everyone forget that, like, the only reason people get famous is because they need endless attention. Why would you get famous and then start thinking about other people all of a sudden? Other people only exist to like your selfies. The only reason anyone famous wants to
care for others so they stay alive enough to like their selfies. I'm sure they would prefer that their fans were paraplegics so that they were just sitting in their hospital bed looking at the phone fame is embarrassing like you could see that guy he's like sitting by stream like i shouldn't have done this
He gets up and just walks away from the camera with a backpack on. Off a cliff, just jumps. He's just like, ah, this is a little overwhelming. It's kind of hard to get down. Like, what did you think was going to happen? What? Who has it ended well for? Name one. Name who? Name one! besides magic johnson who has fame helped fame is it's embarrassing it never ends well for anybody and you know what you know what i changed my tune i think everyone should get famous because it's humble
Maybe that's the only way to humble people at this point. People I know who are not on social media they're more arrogant than people who are famous. Because when you're famous, you just get told how ugly you are all day. And how you don't deserve anything that you have. And you're an elitist insider. People are like, Whitney, you sat front row at the Knicks game. You're an elitist. You're an insider. That was the most embarrassing day of my life.
Nothing like being all set to be on the Jumbotron. The camera comes to you, then Tracy Morgan throws up on the other side of the court. And it doesn't cut to you. And you're just sitting there. I wear a sparkle bandeau top that showed under boob. I did lip liner outside my lips. No matter how famous or funny I get or how many specials I do, I will never be as riveting as Tracy Morgan's. Puke. That's... You were having flashbacks of your book...
Oh my god. Why did you just do that? Thunder stolen. People respect you less if you're famous. Why don't you think to vomit on the floor? I know. It's a great question because I'm bad. I'm not talented. That's why he's so funny and everybody loves him because he thinks of the funniest thing you can do in that situation. I have bad comedic instincts. I was sitting there waiting to like be sincere and like do a bit. And he was just like,
It just got right to the point. Dude, we nailed it. Yeah. And be undeniable. He got right to the point. Or maybe him seeing me get ready for the camera is what made him nauseous. He's like, oh. She's gonna do it. Maybe he was like that. Like he was so sickened. Maybe he knew how poorly it was going to go for you. Oh shit. And he saved you. He saved me. He saved me. He probably did. I'm just telling you. You see this man who's quitting YouTube after getting famous.
A shell of a man. People understand that when you get famous... People respect you less. You're trash. You're pathetic. You're a pick-me. Like, oh, you're on TV. I don't watch you. Cool. I don't, I don't, I don't have Netflix. Are we supposed to be like, oh my God, no way. You are so sick. You don't have Netflix or TV or if you just think about yourself all day.
Can I talk to you? You must be the most riveting person on the planet that nothing, no movie, no show, no stand-up special, nothing is more entertaining than your inner monologue. Cool. When people come up to you and then their brag is, I've never heard of you. They're like, I don't know you. Like, my mom loves, like, you know, I've never heard of you. My girlfriend knows you. Can I just, like, take a picture? Honestly, I respect the person so much more.
that comes up to me after a bunch of people got a picture, they get a picture, and then they go, who are you, by the way? That person? Yes. That's a winner. You get the picture, figure it out later, and then I say I'm Casey Anthony, everybody wins. I feel like being famous is the new smoking. It only makes you attractive to super toxic people.
You can't do it on restaurants or on planes. It ages you. The only people that want to talk to you are people that want to bomb a smoke. Totally. Yes. Yes. Yeah, when you actively seek it out, people think, you're like, can I get a cigarette? You know what I'm saying? Being famous is cool, I guess. But what it takes to get there is so...
It's like, you know when you see someone with a really good body? You're like, oh, okay. I'm not into that. But when I see a guy with abs, you're like, okay, I guess. But all I see is that you spent three hours a day. Like, swinging. A kettlebell. Nowhere near a buck. What part of your personal life is grumpy? It just means when I see a guy with a bunch of abs, all I see is four half-open protein powders on the top of your fridge in a kitchen covered in a film of white powder.
My thing is, I feel like he could have kept his channel going and had AI. This is a good use for AI. Someone that got famous because it seems like he's a good guy. He built cabins and he's a fisherman. This is the kind of person who should be famous. This is the kind of people that, I like this guy. But no one who has integrity or dignity is going to want to be famous. So...
We have an AI guy take over, and then his kids don't have to be on camera all the time, right? And then the kids can stay the same age for, I don't know, this feels like this could work. This is a way to not exploit your kids. Use AI. I've always said this. Instead of child actors use adult little people or robot kids
There was a show called Small Wonder when I was a kid about a girl who was a robot. I loved it. And then I found out she was a real girl. And I was traumatized. Like, use AI to keep these kids in this YouTube channel. Keep this family, you know, camping. I'm Blue Chew. This episode is sponsored by Blue Chew because of my personality. So Blue Chew is the service that delivers chewable tablets to help men with stronger, long-lasting erections, which you guys need because you're all in ice baths.
you're taking Propecia, you're watching free porn all day, so you have no semen left in your body. Is that medical advice? The process is all online from the consultation to the delivery. That means no doctor visits, no pharmacy lines, no awkward conversations, even though for some people awkward conversations is what gets them hard. But the point is there is now Bluetooth Max, which combines the active ingredients from Viagra and Cialis. into one chewable tablet it acts fast and the effect
Last, the tablets are made in the United States and shipped to your door. Once you're approved by one of the licensed medical providers, the prescription arrives in decreed. It's free packaging. It's fast. It's hassle-free. Here's the job. Your first month is free. You're just going to pay $5 for shipping. Promo code Whitney at BlueChew.com. You know, I just feel like I wish I could tell my parents. BlueTrue.com slash Whitney. I made it. Promo code Whitney. W-H-I-T-N-E-Y. I'll go.
Again, go to BlueChew.com. Use promo code Whitney. Try your first month for free. Just pay $5 for shipping. Thanks, BlueChew, for sponsoring this podcast. Sock doc. Doctor booking made easy. Sock doc. Took too much BlueChew. Didn't take the prescribed amount of blue chew? Chewed too much blue chew gum? Need a doc fast? This episode is sponsored by ZocDoc. We've all delayed going to the doctor. Maybe you were too busy or you didn't know which doctor to choose.
Maybe the process felt overwhelming, or maybe your ankle still hurts because you're a 40-year-old man who jumped off that thing. ZocDoc, spelled Z-O-C-D-O-C. It's a free app and website where you can find and book in-network doctors. You can filter by location insurance.
specialty, and even patient reviews. You're going to see real-time availability. You can book an appointment that works for your schedule. That could mean same day or next day care instead of waiting weeks. You deserve to have teeth. in your head, whether you need a dentist, therapist, dermatologist, primary care provider, whether you're just that red bump, what is it? What is it?
Ingrown, herpy, ZocDoc is going to let you book online with more than 100,000 doctors in every spot. 100,000 doctors in an app. This is a dating app. ZocDoc. Simplifies appointments. Go do it. Go to ZocDoc.com slash WhitneyZocDoc.com slash Whitney. Stop putting off those appointments. You're bleeding. Find and book top-rated doctors today. ZocDoc.com slash Whitney. Stop bleeding. I've turned over a new leaf on AI. I'm not scared of it anymore. Now what? What are you going to do?
I'm not. Here's why. I feel like I'm hearing all these arguments about how bad it is. I listened to that diary of a CEO show, which is absolutely AI. The man that hosted is AI. The whole thing's AI. I'm not kidding. Have you seen it? It's an AI podcast. It's a parody of a high performer. It's like the guy's not real.
Am I wrong? It's too perfect. Correct. He opens with like, he manages to ask you to subscribe to his channel in a way that makes me actually think he needs money. And he's like, if you could just. We make the content better. It's not like, like, subscribe. He's like, I need you to like and subscribe. Very soothing approach. And it sounds like he's looking out for you. Yeah, he's got dimples.
You know, you should really like and subscribe. You made it my idea somehow? Yeah. He was like, if you like and subscribe, I can make the show better. For you. I'm like, like, subscribe. Because Tim Dillon's going to see my subscriber count. And I don't want to lose a fight. Look, so I listened to the diary of a CEO.
podcast that was a bunch of experts talking about ai and it actually made me feel weirdly like i don't know comfortable about it because like the cat's out of the bag my i'm big on ride the horse the direction it's going what is the point of resisting it i think when people resist something that's imminent It makes them think they sound smart. When someone says, like, yeah, I don't know about AI, you're like, no, you don't know about AI, but you don't.
you shutting it down doesn't mean you know we're dumb. Yeah. Do you know what I'm saying? Yeah. It's like when someone's like, I didn't like that movie. It's like, explain why. Defend your argument. Being negative doesn't make you smarter than me. That drives me nuts. But look, I've always been, you know, suspicious of AI. Of course, but you know what else I'm suspicious of? People. People. People have finally behaved so poorly that AI seems like a good idea.
This is what, don't blame AI, blame the people that made AI seem like the best case scenario for our future. I'm just saying we have to prepare ourselves and I am ready to be positive about it. Okay. I'm too claustrophobic for a bunker. So we have to make this work. Now, listen. Everyone wants to be famous. That does seem like the new business model.
which I don't know why everyone's so negative about it because it's like basically the internet is now just a mall, right? Whereas somebody used to have a boutique and you'd go to their boutique and 30 people a day would come. Now they're on TikTok with their TikTok shop. Like it's all the same. It's not people trying to get famous. People just have to have jobs and now you're... All of our jobs are in digital. Fine. So everyone wants to be famous, whatever that means. But once you get famous...
No bueno, man. It's bad news. Nobody gets out alive on that. So AI is going to fix the fact that for everyone to be real now, you have to get famous. So if AI just makes you fake, you can stay real. Stay with me. You know how Daft Punk wears the helmet? That's not them. They don't show up to... Deadmau5, Marshmello, Head. No, he's on Raya. Not matching with me. They're not at Bonnaroo. They're not showing up at Stagecoach.
It's some guy that's, you know, that's the... The Jabba Walkies dance, hip-hop dance. Yeah, all these guys with helmets on. It's someone else. Nobody listens to me, all right? You can't scale being yourself. came through. I know no one listens to me because on social media I fight with people about giraffes and I have blue hair for two years. The point is, get famous, move to France.
Get chickens. Get a cottage. Then let AI take it from there. That's the new dream. Getting famous and having to do the famous person part yourself. That's like being rich and cleaning your own house. Like being yourself. is downstairs, Downton Abbey. Okay? Being famous is work. Successful people don't work. Successful people create a thing. leave, and then underpay people to keep the thing going, and they're on a boat. Okay? AI may destroy humans. Fine. Are things going so well?
Are we not going to destroy ourselves anyway? Are we not doing that? We're chock full of Roundup. We're already destroyed. People are like, the robots are going to kill us. We kill ourselves holding our robot. I will say in every episode, 400 people have fallen off cliffs taking selfies. It's already happened. It's people like the automatic driving. I'm terrified of automatic driving. I won't do it. But how many people die a year from... 50. I think it's 50. Yeah. I almost die every day driving.
And then I get into an automatic car and I'm like, this is dangerous. It's just, it's fine. We're wrong. Every email I respond to, every Zoom that you guys drag me into, I'm like... Can AI me do this awkward small talk for 20 minutes before every conversation that could have been a text? Why don't I let AI just do all this cosplay of being adults and I can go parent my son? so he doesn't become a comedian like why why do you need me why do you need i'm the worst version of my
There's better versions of me out there that AI can make. Pat's got 12 better versions of me right here in his little... Jack pocket on his laptop screen. He's got a little... A little hard drive there. So I want to talk about AI for a second because I am a woman in... And the thoughts that I have are kind of, look, yes, I always like to go the contrary way. I was on a podcast recently and someone was like, well, you know, AI is bad. And I was just like, well.
I only hear rich people complain. It's so elitist. It's like when people are like, religion's dumb. It's like, well, it's, you know. People without any kind of hope, like, religion, they like it. You know what I mean? Like, you have a doorman. But okay, so... I do feel like there's something elitist about it. It's like rich people being like, but AI, they're afraid of not feeling special. AI is going to make the people that got to be special, not be special anymore.
But the people that don't have access to health care might be able to get their cancer screening read by this AI faster and cheaper. Do you know what I'm saying? So whatever. But I'm happy to be wrong. I know there's bad things about it. But I have some thoughts that I think will help everybody calm down. Because you know me. soothing is my brand i see outrage about ai and the main thing i'm seeing a lot is like this video is This image is FAQ. Nothing's ever been real. Gentle reminder.
Show me a real anything. Do you know that a lot of the bones in museums of dinosaurs are fake? Did you know that? Plaster molds. There's photos of me at the Smithsonian posing with plaster molds. And it says do not touch in front of me. They have the audacity to put a sign to really sell it. I'm like, don't touch the dinosaur bone. It's 10,000 years old. They just threw it together with some Elmers from Kinko.
Fake is what we need. Fake. It's fake. Fake is real now. It's an illusion, right? If you hate AI, that's fine. But fake photos shouldn't be the reason. Fake is our kink as humans. I'll take a banana runt over a banana any day of the week. You tell me if it's between a grape-bubblicious gum and a grape. You're going to go with it. Look at me with a straight face. Disneyland is giant cartoon mice and Hooters waitresses pretending to be princesses. It's the happiest place on earth.
The non-fiction section of the library is not called the happiest place on earth for a reason. Fake is better. We prefer fake. We don't want reality. Then AI comes along and is like, no problem. We can get rid of that for you. Reality is like a bug. Get rid of it. They're like, we got it. Okay? We got it. We're like, no, no, no, AI, get out of here. Reality is our thing. Authenticity is our thing. I just posted about authenticity with a smoothing film.
to make me look like a cyborg authenticity i'm real we're like i like authenticity we're all just trying to figure out if we're real or not i kind of think it's that Like, I am authentically in a simulation. We never liked real. I don't think ever. George Washington had wooden teeth. That was like a fly. Celebrities don't have fake teeth. They're 25.
The teeth were fine before. It's just like a flex to have fake ones, you know? Your favorite musician draws her nose on with a sharpie. Like, it's fine. Real is not what we do here. We love fake. Why do you think stuffed animals look nothing like the actual animal? no one would buy them my son's teddy bear when you really look at a teddy bear you're like this has no resemblance to a bear because if it looked like an actual bear your your child will call child services
My son has a stuffed animal bat and he's like his favorite thing. And then I showed him a photo of a real bat and he like screamed. I think we just have to remember that we love fake. And if we're mad at AI, it's not because of the fake photos and the fake videos. We love fake. We wait in line to go see fake things. In a seat and we get popcorn. We love fake. We only want to see documentaries of a blonde girl is getting murdered. We don't want to watch documentaries about reality.
We want to see a man flying through the sky with nothing but a piece of fabric as a cape, which is supposed to hold him up. Okay. We want to see Scarlett Johansson be a biologist. in a tube top. We want to see Angelina Jolie play an FBI agent. We don't want to see a real FBI agent. We don't want to see Deb, who doesn't have a thumb anymore. We want fake. We love it. The moon landing, I hope it's fake. To send people up there, to send men up there. What, kid? Then? For why? For what? For who?
That's like, it's irresponsible is what it is. And the fake footage is funny. I mean, even if we went, there is footage that is fake and there is nothing funny. than that footage fake is better we love fake why all of a sudden are we like mad at fake things humans are scared of everything unless we can film it okay the drones we weren't that scared of the drone Because we could film it and post it.
We're like, there's a drone. Like, it could have been a blood-sucking alien. And we're like, there's the drone. If we can film it, we're fearless all of a sudden. We're scared of heights unless we can take a selfie with it. That's why we were so scared of COVID because we couldn't take a picture. Where is it? If COVID was a thing, we'd all be lined up. If we could get in the Wuhan lab, there would be a line around the block for influencers. Is that the bat you showed your son?
It was the Wuhan bat. As long as we can take pictures of it, we're not scared of it. We can't take pictures of AI. That's the problem. But they can make, we like AI when it takes a picture of us and does something. We like AI all of a sudden because it's making podcasters into babies and we like it.
Being scared is not an argument. Humans are such, we are scared of everything. We're scared of spiders. Fine. What if they promise that the robots and AI will kill spiders? AI will find a way to bioengineer nature so that there are no more spiders. Fine. Every time you say you're scared of something, AI could maybe take that scary thing away, too. I got in a fight with Chris the other day, which, by the way, Chris is not here. He's with his daughter. And everyone's like, did you break up?
No, I can't. I can't. Is that what marriage is? You're just like, ah. I forgot what I was even mad at you about. Like, I'll just forget. Every other relationship, I was like, remember everything they said, how they said it. Now I'm just like, I don't remember. Being forgetful is the most important factor in a relationship. That's the only way to survive. I was never listening in the first place.
Is that better? Oh, you've been mad at me. Oh, God. I didn't even forget. I just never heard it in the first place. That's loud. Well, no, I was annoyed at him because we found two rattlesnakes on the property, two baby rattlesnakes, which men are terrified of snakes. It's so weird.
You know why? Because you guys are like, you'll sneak up. You have to be loud around snakes. Battle snakes. Snakes hear me coming. Okay? So he's like all worried about that. I catch the snake. And I'm like, all right, we have to kill it. And he's like. Macbeth, we have to kill the rattlesnake. He puts it over the wall! So I have to kill it when it's 10 times the size coming at me after drinking LA Fence.
Then I have to kill it in the middle of the night. This is the other thing. Misinformation. AI is going to spread misinformation. Okay, fine, fine. Our parents told us that we couldn't go in the pool after we ate. Still can't get over that. We've always been idiots that had misinformation. We would sit by the pool just like, is it time? Is it time? Don't believe everything you hear. Don't believe everything on the internet. Maybe. AI is mostly incorrect with facts.
Unless it's math. Did we ever know who discovered America? We had a mural on my gymnasium wall at my high school of the Native Americans and the pilgrims having a fun dinner, and the Natives were shirtless. with their maize corn, and the pilgrims had buckles on all their clothes, everywhere. Just buckles. You guys said you wanted proof, so we had the art teacher spend a few hours in the hallway. The thing is about AI, okay, it's a sociopath, right? We already have sociopaths.
They're just gonna be the new sociopaths. Does that make any sense? I think what's gonna happen with the AI robots is they're gonna be able to do everything so quickly that they're gonna be... Right? It's going to be like, solve Alzheimer's. And everybody dies. So they're going to get bored. We're going to be at home collecting our universal basic income or whatever. And they're going to be like, we're bored. And what do sociopaths do when they are bored? They want people under them to fight.
so they can watch. They're gonna make us fight each other, which is like, we already voluntarily kind of do. You know what I mean? It'll be like, we'll be in a zoo. Which, just hear me out. I know that sounds bad, but like everyone's complaining that getting a house is expense. They will provide like apartments for us. Don't look at it as like you're in a human zoo. You're in public housing, right? Every couple months, a drone will show up at your house and call you in to fight.
someone or something for their entertainment. Half of you already do CrossFit and you're getting bar fights on the weekends. We'd be doing this anyway, but they're going to be funny about making it. each other and these like gladiator shows where ai watches humans they're gonna like study the algorithm and youtube and see what worked and they're gonna be like all right the next fight's gonna be cardi b against megan mccain and they're gonna be right
The next fight is Logan Paul versus Jake Paul. Not as a joke. They will be correct. We will all be in the human zoo collecting universal basic income and just wait to be called to fight someone. And it will be... a better life than we have now. The octagon, the MMA octagon has provided the arena for an infinite amount of combat possibilities. I recently saw two people fighting with bull whips inside of an octagon. Where was this? Kids.
I'm not sure. I think it was Eastern Europe. I'll pull up the clip and I'll talk to you. Kids are doing MMA, and a fight style that you need no training for, which supports your point entirely, is the slap fighting, where you just stand and face each other and slap each other.
plus and that is that sport is already taking people in poverty and lifting them out of poverty because there's a prize for slapping look best case scenario we become to the ai what animals are And the key is to just be the domesticated dog. not the undomesticated... You know what I'm saying? They're not gonna eat a- I'm not worried they're going to eat us. We're too toxic, right? Our parents put like baby powder on us. We ate like fast food.
the horrible candy that RFK said gave us autism, like we can't write poems or whatever it is. We will be like a kept woman. We'll sort of be in a room. We don't know when we're going to see them. They'll come. They'll take care of us. They'll fatten us up. I think they're going to be funny.
Oh, they better be funny. I think they'll be funny. Look, sociopathic liars always ran things. Now it's just going to be a machine built by sociopathic liars. Maybe we'll get lucky and they'll turn on their creator. No one's thinking. No one is thinking about that. No one is going, well, what if like Facebook one day just like eats up? And we all get to see it.
Like, what if these things, what if the Cybertron... I mean, I'm just saying, we are due for one of these technologies to destroy their creator live, and you guys trying to stop it is ruining my font. It is ruining things. We're due for a Frankenstein moment, don't you think? Well, like the guy that built the giant horse for the Denver airport, it fell on him and killed him. Yeah. Like, we're due for one of those. If this Blue Origin stuff isn't Icarus.
I don't know what is. Yes. I'm going to pretend I know that reference, but I think I can do it. You're too close to the sun and his wings melted. Oh, you believe we have a sun? Cool. I just think that AI is this thing that makes us think this is the first time we've ever had something like this and obviously it's going to be so exponential that it it feels like that i just it helps me it gives me comfort to remember that we've never known the truth and we've never wanted it
We don't want it. I've never heard the truth and been like, sick. glad you told me that every time someone tells me the truth i'm like did you have to say it that way he could have just said I look 25 and moved on we didn't have to do this why are we pretending the truth is all something that we're into let's just embrace our sicko we love lies it's the only way to get through this nightmare of life AI is going to just
Gently take us over to an artificial purgatory that makes things a little bit more tolerable. Okay? They're going to take over a lot of the things that we're doing. Fine. We're not going to have a purpose. The purpose we have now is... Weird. So why not? Unclear. Unclear! Nebulous at best. Okay? So we're going to just move into a different yet similar surreal existence.
We may have to fight 3D holograms to entertain them. They may make duplicates of us that we have to fight, but it will be funny. It will be funny to watch Pat fight Pat. And lose. It's going to be like going to Dave and Buster's. Without all the kids. Yes, no one will have kids because of the roundup. But the flowers in the yard are pretty. Everyone has cancer because of roundup. But do the flowers not look great? Do the flowers on the grave of the 28-year-old not look gorgeous?
We lie to our kids because we know it makes life better for them. Okay? AI is going to lie to us because they know what makes things better for us. It's going to be our Santa, our Easter bunny. It's our tooth fairy. Look, if we stopped doing Santa, Easter bunny for our kids tomorrow, they'd never notice. They don't care. It's not for them. It's for us.
I mean, if we stopped doing Santa and the Easter money, the economy would collapse. They'd be fine. Kids never needed really any of that. We'd miss it. We love to lie. We love to be lied to. We love hoodwinking innocent children. Okay? They don't care. My son's favorite thing is the laundry and the mud. He doesn't care. We lie to our kids because we know life's better that way. All right? And now AI is going to come do that to us.
And that might be fine. Do you remember in the movie Drive when Albert Brooks takes the life of a one Bryan Cranston in a very compassionate way? Do you remember that? Some of us were built for this. And if you're scared of AI, you just weren't built. I was built in a lab. with my Appalachian DNA and childhood trauma to fight. in gladiator shows this is it people are testing me on social media these days baiting me and baiting me and i'm like ah god Can someone just catch me outside?
And no one will catch me outside. And now that we have AI that's going to make it, we all get to catch each other outside. We could probably put in requests like, hey, can I fight this person? My high school bully, can I fight that? We might be able to, they might let us participate if we're good. My ear was bitten off by a dog. I drove myself to the hospital, holding it in my hand.
All right. And because the blood congealed, my hand was stuck and I couldn't get it off. And then when I ripped my hand off my ear, I pulled it entirely off because I didn't know how I don't know how blood works. I didn't know how that amount of blood works. Okay? Country folk are ready for the AI apocalypse because we know how to fight and that's what we'll be doing. And the more time people have on their hands, the more they need to fight their neighbor.
the more we realize how annoying we are. to each other so i'm in put me in the gladiator cage with anyone who runs an elephant riding operation, I will happily go out of this timeline while fighting some social media elephant abuser yelling, don't ride elephants, like, subscribe. As long as you film it, I need a new ad for my merch. I'm in. I'm in. Next week, I have asked for Pat to have AI right... And I will read it.
verbatim with a lot of stutters and inverted words. We want to do an AI episode, but when something sounds weird, it's like, no, the AI made sense. Whitney just is so dyslexic. Watch it make so much more sense than any of my other episodes. What does that look like? We just say, hey, can you take every episode of this podcast? I'm going to, yeah, I'm going to. Feed all of the audio from everything. Start, you know, pull a transcription and have it learn. what is this person? and feed it.
five or ten headlines of the week and say, write 35 minutes. of like in the style of passionate commentary but no i think you say like in the style of oh for sure yeah in the style of this this person that we've been training on and see what it puts out. And I'm going to, I'll tell it to do 30, 35 minutes because I think it'll be fun to stop and start along the way.
react to what it's forcing you to say so next week's episode we're going to see if ai can replace me um so this might be a goodbye forever and this might be a You might never come back. You know, I know what to call it. I know. Like, I'm not gonna...
Well, let's see how the numbers, let's see the numbers. Let's see how the AI monologue does in the algo, and we'll go from there. And if you guys prefer someone who can actually finish a sentence and stay on topic, then we'll just let AI keep doing it. Keep doing one of the entire thing is just about Shirley Temple and Tide Pods. and the native americans and the pilgrims like it's gonna be so i also think that we're so unselfaware at this point that we should all have ai
write like an email for us or like something based on us. So you see like, yeah, that's how you sound. It's like when someone, when Melissa Villasenor used to do an impression of me, I'd be like, oh, okay. And everyone would laugh and I'd be like, wait, is that how I sound? Everyone needs a mirror held up to them. And I think AI. Taking everything you've done and showing it to your face is a good way for people to look at. How annoying.
It's so funny, the idea that AI is like, I'm going to write your own model. It's like, dare witness. If it's just mocking us. That is so funny. I deserve respect. That's so... I'm a human being. Look at me sending an email. I think my job's going to last more than... I'm not utterly doomed. Oh, here I am sending my little email. Have a nice weekend. Like, that is so fun. see you soon under the hood it's just churning the nightmare of
See you soon in heaven, huh? That is so funny that AI for the next three months is going to write everyone's emails fully knowing that there will be no more jobs. It's like watching someone who's really good at breakdancing and then somebody leaning over and going, they haven't paid child support in seven years. It's also like doing like an AI song or something.
Like if you do like an AI pop song, it's like, baby, baby, dance at the party, dance at the party. And you're just like, yeah, kind of. But they're like, let me mock a song, but it's actually based on real stuff. So you're like, wait, are you mocking me or is that how corny we are? Like, it's so funny. It is going to be funny when AI starts trolling us. Oh, I'm sure they already are. Yeah. You could probably type into an AI and say, are you out to get me? And like what it tells you.
But it's not, no one's out to get, it's not, it's like, no, I'm making your life bad. You're out to get you. But it's not going to placate you. We're our own worst enemy. It's going to reassure you that everything's fine. But it is. You're going to die soon. You don't have that much to worry about. The meteor is coming. I hope that's what it does. You're like, is the world going to end soon? And they're like, yeah. Yeah.
Of course. It better. And I'm going to do your job for you so you can go enjoy things because you're going to die soon. Now get out there. Am I right? What am I like just saying? Like, yeah. Do you want to spend all day? trying to figure out if you're a robot or not logging into tiktok who's the road yes i'm a robot because i keep trying to log into this thing to no avail and ai what are you so worried about if a robot is logging into my account
You're worried about these robots? Yeah, I go back to TikTok six times a day. I'm obviously a robot. I'm turned into a robotic person. My behavior has become suspiciously robotic. That's what I'm saying. And then I go on to look at Boston Dynamics robots. Like, I mean, it's just like. Okay! All I care about is that you can get a fake photo of you riding an elephant so you don't have to ride a girl one. Why can't I just say it? That is a great, that's a good, good app.
That you should market in countries where they offer elephant rides. That's what I'm saying. You know that I only see the world through like... underprivileged animals and kids not having to do horrible things. So AI, no more child actors, no more riding elephants and touching tigers. You weirdos. Just Photoshop a photo of you on an elephant. And then all your lamest friends will like it. Just make an app.
Where anybody can post a selfie and then you make it look very realistic, lions, tigers, bears. Yeah, make the elephant look like sad and put the chains around its feet. Yeah. And then so ride elephants. If you're going to fake a picture of you riding an elephant, it better be a tortured elephant. to take full advantage of the fact that it's fake. That's right, it can't be like the happiest elephant ever. Like, damn, backfired. All right, don't run elephants unless it's AI generated.