For members only. Golf Smarter number three hundred and seventy two, published on February twenty six, twenty thirteen.
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Before you get to hit the ball, compose yourself and say, Okay, the trainer inside is trying to get me to play at my ultimate best. So I'm not gonna believe it anymore. I'm going to turn my doubt inside out. If you take the word doubt and re scramble it, you get two words too, bud to bud, to grow, to blossom. So the doubt has never been here to take us down as it appears to be.
It's here to rise us up.
Before you hit the ball, stop if you've bitten into it already.
You got to neutralize. This is perfection.
Once you've getten used to this, this is going to be done in seconds and now instead of I'm going to screw up.
Oh, this is a golden opportunity.
This is ready to begin a new life for me here at this hole, and I'm going to hit it exactly where I.
Want it, regardless where the ball goes.
How does that feel to put that thought in of what you've experienced all along.
Before turn your doubt into an asset With author Kerrie Valentine.
This is Golf Smarter.
Welcome to Golf Smarter for members only.
Carrie, how's it going Gray, Great to be here.
Yeah, thanks for coming into the studio today and sitting down and having a conversation. You wrote a book that really has nothing to do with golf. You wrote a book called In Love Forever. That's right, Well, actually that is completely about golf. I mean, if you've talked to golfers, you know that it's just this passion that I want to apologize the audience for saying this, but golf is a mistress. Yeah, you know, you think about it way too much. You're in a room by yourself looking in
the mirror and you're thinking about golf. It's kind of sick. So yeah, I guess In Life Forever is totally about golf. It's perfect. But but in looking through your book. There's this chapter that you come across here and it's like this is screaming out golf and it's it's talking about doubt. Tell me where you go, you know what your premise is on this and why you think this does relate to golf, and we'll get to your conversations with professional golfer.
Sure, thanks, Frey.
Well, let me start off to just say, you know, it's talking about you know, I'm so fast about the inner game, the inner game of life, but in this case the inner game of golf, because from the inner game and working it, you can improve your game, lower your scores, enjoy yourself more on the course and in your life as well. So the doubts, you know, some call it the inner demons, you know things like this. Uh, we deal with it on the golf course and in
our life. And I dealt with it so much in my life that I really took some time in my life to turn it all around. And I call it your turn your doubts inside out and realize in my life that I grew up playing music and as performing around the world, and yet still constant negativity in my head. Or you stink you're worthless, you're no good And yet it was having awards or winning you know, great opportunities, but inside was really you know, haunting me. Why well
I thought, I didn't really know why. At first, I just thought there was this you know, negative stuff in my head. All I wanted to do was be happy, and all I was was unhappy until a moment that really changed my life.
While I was.
Really taking time out to focus on what was going on and really interrogate my thoughts, and in that process s fread I heard, did you ever think that all those negative thoughts carry are your best friends, your coach, your trainer, kind of like Mickey and Rocky, you know, trying to like, come on, you bum you could have been something, you know, and Mickey was always trying to you know, get Rocky to be his best and you know,
eventually got there. So I realized when that happened to turn my doubts inside out, that they're actually there to uplift me and befriend me. That I had to start believing in myself rather than believing that I that I stunk, and that changed everything around.
That was the beginning, and how did you get there? The beginning of the change.
Made you start to understand that it was.
Pain is a life is a great messenger, a pain, pain pain. I was on the brink. I was on the brink of divorce with my wife, and over time, just these negative thoughts just built up to where I just I was so encapsulated by them. I just didn't know how to deal with it anymore. And I kinda, you know, screamed out to the universe, you know, like you know, what the hell's going on here? And then I had this moment that it's hard to explain. It may sound strange, but I did hear inside my.
Head just those thoughts. Carrie. Did you ever think that all that negativity was actually a coach, a trainer, that these thoughts were trying to get you to love yourself more? And that began the shift.
And because I have a meditation background, I was really able then to start slowing down the thoughts and catching them and go, oh, that's I started seeing repeated patterns of the same kind of words where I didn't realize they happened so quick that I would just bite into it and believe it was true, like you stink, you can't or in a golf sense, and what it was really doing. I learned to slow it down, and not only slow it down, but rewind it, interrogate and go,
what did I just hear you say? And then I'd hear, oh, you stink. And then I realized, hearing that is like a knock on the door, you know, it was like a memo you stink, but we respond And I responded so quickly that I actually like would bite into that thought, like believe it was true. And then I would feel like this dark, heavy cloud come over me and more insecure and all of that. You know, we can relate to that too, maybe as a as a golfer. So then I again I slowed it down and realized those
were two separate experiences. First was the thought that you stink, and then was the bite into it. And so I learned to stop biting and then also catch the thought. When the thought was you stink, I stopped and I heard it and I accepted it. I go, that's right, I do stink. But as Uncle Albert Einstein said, there's a for everything in the universe has its.
Equal in opposite.
So then I started putting in, Oh my gosh, if I hear you stink, that's really telling me I'm good, not like an egotistical way, but to start believing in myself that I was good because I never really put that in. It was almost like I had two arms and one arm never worked. And then then I started putting it in. Oh, I accept it, I stink, I laugh at it. I release that, and then I put in I'm good in that regard, and.
You say so, you embrace it, and then you put in your good where I mean, how do you what is it insert here?
Sure?
So if I did, okay, So if I hear I stink and I didn't bite, meaning like I didn't feel like I didn't believe it and didn't go down the well of despair like with negative feelings and get all tense or nervous. If I did, I will do you know, I would use a phrase that is called this is perfection, and I would use that as a mantra, this is perfection, this is perfection. That would help me kind of slow down that negative train and then at least I'd find
myself back in my center. And then once I was kind of back in my center, it might not have been perfect, but I knew I wasn't still traveling down that downward spiral. Then I would put in the opposite of what I heard. So if I heard you stink, then I put in you're good, and it would, and I start putting it you're good, you're good, you're good, and it would. At first, it was mechanical, it was like, you're full of it, carry you know, what are you.
Doing saying this?
But eventually, because I kept doing it, I would feel a flow go through my body that it wasn't for me, it was something that was happening. And then I would just be like, really, really, some amazing thing would happen.
So every time now that I hear the doubt, like you know, don't call that person, or you know, you know you're going to hit the ball, you know, and you know way off course, I go, ah, great, thank you for saying that, because you want me to stop and slow down and know that when I'm going to be ready to hit that ball, I'm going to hit it exactly where I want it.
And that's what the whole point of the doubt is.
Let me.
Yeah, so you were a drummer.
Yes, I have a great story about this.
On your downtime is when you would I would assume is when you would beat yourself up. How often while you were performing did you say to yourself, I sock, I stink, I'm no good at first?
A lot of times. The comparisons.
Uh. I went to school at Berkeley College of Music.
Uh so in Boston.
Yeah, in Boston, Well you don't stink, dude, well, but but still internally at that point I had a really low esteem.
Yeah, okay, you're coming out of high school. This is college for you.
Yes, yeah, low self esteem, low confidence. And I'm up against six hundred other drummers. Sure everyone is better than the next. So even though I went from being the big fish in the small pond, I went to Berkeley
being the really small fish in the big pond. And I did work my way back to that place, but it took a lot and a lot of negativity, you know, comparisons, and while I was playing, or or see another drummer in the in the audience, and you know that I knew it was better than me, and then you know I kind of like flinch a little or things like that would happen.
Really, so you're not getting lost in in where you are musically, what measure you're.
On on, what's going on, Oh yes, I was too.
You were getting lost in that, but then all of a sudden you're distracted and and all of a sudden you start beating yourself up.
Yeah, that's a great point too, Fred, because a part of my experience is doing classical percussion, classical orchestral playing, and a lot of times as a drummer, you're you're you're counting like fifty measures and silence, and then you have one little hit. Well in the middle of twenty two, three, four, twenty three, the thought is what's for dinner tonight? You canna have pizza?
Yeah, and I'm lost. I was like, oh no, and that.
My focus as a younger person was way off. And then I just working this. I would say like, okay, tighten down the focus, Nott, and just really sharpened from that place and really working it. My total playing changed. I became like in the zone in the game all the time. I brought myself there, but with being kind of almost lack of days ago, I was like ready to be attacked, but the attack was never to harm me, was just just get me to be at the best of my game, which brings me to this amazing story.
Thank you that after years already of working this I left. This was an Idaho you know, this kind of four year stint living in the desert and really uh working as a scientist and living like a monk. And then I left Idaho went to Vermont to re engage back in life. And quickly thereafter a friend of mine that I met in Brazil who is now living in Germany because I lived in Brazil for a year performing and touring. His name's Tony Osannah. He called me up and said,
I'm coming, you know, let's let's do some shows. And it was like in a matter of two weeks, put this huge concert together. And he shows up the day before our this concert. We did a show at you know, some schools to do some promotion, and then we didn't really practice much, but in our experience we kind of worked together intuitively anyway. But still here I am walking on stage and I hear in my head, you are gonna so suck tonight. You didn't rehearse, you don't even
know the songles you're gonna do. You are gonna embarrass yourself so big time in this new community. And I caught it because by that time I had practiced so much with this, and I was.
Like, oh, I know what you're here for. You've showed up.
Because if if I dare, if I dare to hold myself kind of like a Jedi, here, something amazing is about to happen. And what I did Fred is like, Okay, suckers, I'm gonna ride Tony's butt like Zoro tonight.
I'm gonna just.
Emotionally be so connected to him and internally just support him musically that it's just gonna be awesome. And amazingly, the concert was exceptional. It was just like on fire, and people at intermission was like, what's going on here?
I haven't heard this kind of music in Electricity in years. Wow.
And the magic kept on going because we we you know, I just kind of sound at sound check said to the sound engineer can we record this? And he's like, yeah, we could, but I don't have the equipment. I said, I have it at home. I'll bring it back. I brought it back, he hooked it up, he recorded it, and he said, you know, at the end of the concert, he's like, Carrie, I didn't have the ability to mix the sound. So whatever we got is what we got. And we heard the recording and it was magic. It
was perfect. We just made some edits and now we have this CD that people can hear.
Oh great, that's a long witted plug.
It wasn't intended.
It was just more about the you know what magic can happen when we step up?
Yeah? Right?
And and it's so interesting because you're talking about performance anxiety and whether you're performing for an audience or whether they're in golf, you're performing for yourself. I mean you there's you can be walking down the fairway going I really don't want to take this sh I'm really nervous about this shot. I hate this shot. I wish I would you right, So you're you're beating yourself up in that way.
Now go ahead, So here we go.
So you hear that or you heard I've always screwed up this shot every time at this course.
I hit it.
Right. So catch yourself. Catch yourself as you hear that, and before you get to hit the ball, you know, just compose yourself and say, okay, this is happening because all along the trainer inside is trying to get me to play at my ultimate best. So I'm not going to bite into that thought. I'm not gonna believe it anymore. I'm gonna turn my doubt inside out. Here's a funny thing to fred that if you take the word doubt and re scramble it, you get two words t O b U d two bud to.
Grow to blossom.
So the doubt has never been here to take us down as it appears to be. It's here to rise us up. So before you hit the ball, stop hear yourself and start putting. If you've bitten into it already, you got to neutralize. Remember, this is perfection. This is perfection, and this can happen once you've getten used to this. This can be done in seconds. So then you're ready to hit the ball. And now instead of I'm going
to screw up. Oh, this is a golden opportunity. This is ready to begin a new life for me here at this hole, and I'm going to hit it exactly where I want it. How does that feel to put that in, regardless where the ball goes. How does that feel to put that thought in of what you've experienced all along before? Isn't that a total shift?
Yeah? In your thinking?
Yeah?
Absolutely, And from there now the opportunity can happen where you can relax, get in the zone and totally transform your game at that hole.
Amazing. I'm struggling with the perfect part.
Okay, what it is?
I well, I don't I don't think perfect perfection exists. Yeah, okay, especially well there is no perfection in golf. Yeah, right, so so let's educate me on that.
What are we saying, great question?
This is perfection is reference to when we have bitten into that doubt, like I'm going to screw up, and then we start it's not just words anymore. We feel it. We feel like, right, you feel like a little darkness around us or heaviness. Right, So so we're in that what I call a downward spiral. And so this is perfection is it's not about that things are perfect. It's not whether you like it or not. It's just a
phrase that creates neutrality. And then it just kind of slows that train down and brings yourself back up to a neutrality base so that you're you can then put in in a few moments to a few minutes time before you hit that ball, I'm going to hit this really well, and you can start believing it. So this is perfection, it's it's not about you know how things are. It's just a neutral phrase to kind of put the brake on the train, on the negative train, Yes, on the negative trend.
You you have a book here that you brought to show me that you kind of like base thing your your your golf concept on the path path to Golf Mastery Quantum Golf Yes, by you said Jella and Hunger, Yeah, from nineteen ninety one.
Yes.
So what is it about this book that you know with with quotes from Deepak Chopra and Joan Carner, and what is it about this book that caught your eye that made you think that the stuff that you're writing about really does apply to golf in golfers?
Great? Great question.
In the book the there's a golfer who is a is a New York City business person, has had lessons, plays well, but is uptight, and the trainer, the golf pro is in another zone. And at first the guy from New York is kind of like perplexed, like he's because he goes to Iowa in the first place, and he's like, what am I going to learn in Iowa? But that just is the beginning to open him up and to relax and to get into his authentic swing.
So the trainer is telling him, like he can't tell him at first because the cup is over over full, but he's really wanting to clear out the doubts, you know, his tension that the trainer says, you know, in our mind, the doubts are going to be there, so we're got to trick our mind. And so when you start swinging, say the words super fluid, super fluid, and in that it does change change the golfer's ability to start hitting the ball more in a relaxed rhythm, and it begins
the change. And the difference that I take on from the book is that he's saying the doubts are always going to be there. And what happened to me that not only I totally changed it around where there's no more like I don't have to trick the doubts. I befriend them. I put my arm around them.
The buddies are going to be there, yeah, yeah, and how you deal with them, they are.
But here's the cool thing, Fred that I've noticed in myself and other working with others in this that eventually the doubts no longer need to show up because you've accepted them, and you've already started to put in yourself. I am going to hit the ball whale, I am going to hit the ball straight. I am going to play well and enjoy myself on this course this day. So when you are doing that and in putting that
into yourself, the doubt is again is a memo. It's only there to say, put in this stuff that you're not putting in. So when you're putting in the positive, it doesn't need to show up anymore, and it won't. However, your game's gonna raise, You're going to get better, you're gonna get clearer, your scores are going to get lower. The doubt is kind of like the trainer that's always there to get you better, always, you know, bettering you. So the storms may lessen, but their blows may be stronger.
But so again. But when you realize when all of a sudden you're playing and you know, like you know, you are overwhelmed by feeling or fear or something. When you've practiced this, then you realize, whoo, something again is
amazing about to happen. If here's the choice, here's the keyword, the choice to not bite into it, but to refocus reframe it to get on track, and then you go wow something when the realization something amazing is about to happen here, and you you clear that space and again you get in the zone.
You had the opportunity to take these thoughts that you know from this book and put it in a perspective of the golf and what you were writing about. And you live in Hawaii. Yes, now all over the place man on car. Yeah, and so you got a chance. Tell me tell me about this pass that you just handed me to the to the twenty thirteen sony open. Yeah, media paths, Well, I tell me more.
You know, here is my own if I could be really transparent, my own story with this is uh well, first of all, you help me make that possible.
And I'm really grateful because.
I needed a media outlet to to apply with and I shared with them what I would doing and they just said no problem. You know, I applied and they I got back to pass.
So so here.
That you you accused Golf Smarter of being a media outlet and they bought it. Yeah, okay, I'm gonna try that one.
Yeah, I got you in to an not that Okay, I'm sorry, go right ahead. Yeah, So here I am.
You know, I had been to the tournament before but not nearly but never is like part of the media, and.
I didn't know what to expect.
A few days before I went, I was really I woke up with cold sweats.
I was so nervous. I was hearing in my head, who the hell are you? What do you think you are going to this?
Like you know, and I and I was yeah and real, you know, like I was intending to have the opportunity to to interview some of the wives because again, I'm the main thing that I do as a relationship coach and working with people on relationship stuff and this growing now expansiveness of coaching golfers. So I was real curious to talk to the wives about, you know, just what
life is like and things of that nature. And there were a few things potentially set up, but the week before the tournament in Maui got delayed because of all the wind and all that. So there were all the players from there that I had some set up things
with that weren't there. So I was like, okay, new moment, and so here I am in the media room like a you know, first kid, like you know, first day of school, kind of kind of scared, like you don't know who everyone is and stuff, and they don't know you.
Yeah, and the new kid at school. Yeah.
And I walk in and you know, there's all these desks, you know, like set up with computers and people who they are. And there was a photographer next to me who had like five huge cameras and was downloading his pictures on his computer. And just started talking to him. And you know, as we were talking, I was more transparent,
told them what I wanted to do. He said, oh, these guys you know from the PGA, you know, just tell them what you wanted to do, and they'll, you know, they'll work it out with you to interview some of the golfers. And I was like, wow, really, and so I did. I talked to the guys and they said sure, you know, there'll be some conference conferences that will be happening. And then I said, okay, great, And then you know,
it's just kind of like serendipitous. I was walking around the course, you know, before this is again, before the tournament started. It was like Tuesday or Wednesday, and I hear a few guys talking in the stands and I see a bunch of kids and I get closer and I go, oh, my gosh, there's Stuart's sync. And he was talking to the kids kind of like doing you know,
a little training with them. And after the meeting happened and the kids were, you know, getting their signatures on the balls and hats and things like that, I asked them, can I talk to you about the inner game?
And he was so gracious.
I was really taken because again, my world has mostly been in the music field and I deal with a bunch of divas, you know, like you know, at that level. But he was just so human, so transparent, so honest, and I said, you know, talk to me, you know
about do you have challenges with doubts? And he's like, dude, oh my god, for sure, really and yeah, And he was very open and shared with me how he's worked to, like he used the word interrogate his thoughts while he's playing, and when he's noticed things are going sour, he reminds himself to what's it all about? Why is he here in the first place, and that love of the game, and that helps him refocus and get back to playing
well again. And I was very, very impressed with his humanness, and he shared with me about his experience of working with a mental coach and how that's helped him not only with his game, but with his life with his wife and his relationship and all of those pieces actually has helped him in his game on the course as well.
Wow yeah wow.
And I also had the opportunity to talk to Johnson Wagner, who won the tournament to Sony Open the year prior, and I asked him kind of what kind of suggestions would you have for amateurs to deal with the doubts and deal with that inner game challenge, and he said, slow down, you know, just compose yourself and that really helps him just to get back to himself.
And then again did he.
Did he talk about doubt at all or.
Yeah, you know, he didn't get into great detail at that moment because it was at a press conference, but he did say the suggestion to amateurs really slow down your game, take time, and really again get in a sense, get back in your zone, get find your authentic swing
in that place, feel feel it. And and then again just walking on the course, Uh, there was you know, passing by the satellite trucks and there's Frank nobleo, you know, hanging out a you know, like a golf cart with a bunch of buddies, and my heart starts beating, like should I go say hi to him?
Because you know, you know, I watched him.
I like what Frank you know, you know, talks about in the in the game, and and I'm like, yeah, let's do it.
And then my mind's like, you can't do that, you know, you know, who are you to go talk to him?
Well, again, serendipitous, something happened Fred where a bunch of the guys something, you know, they they as I was walking past them, left the area and Frank was just
left with one or two guys. I kind of, like, you know, cautiously walked up to him and I introduced myself, and he was again the most gracious human being you know of And I talked to him about the inner game and he's like, Kerry, you know, because I share with him about you know, the musical world and how the players at this level or the musician at this level you know often a pretty aloof and won't give you the time of day.
And he's like, well, golf, where's you down? Man?
He's like, it rips you apart. You know, you hardly ever win, and it makes you honest. And he said, that's why a lot of these guys like because I share with him how my experience was. He' said, yeah, they're just you know, they're just doing their life, they're doing their game. And and I was, I was really taken. I was really like, these people were just people with me and embracing me and giving me time, not like, you know, pushing me away, because who the heck am I?
You know, I'm just this guy showing up and asking them these questions. So I took a lot from that experience and was incredibly impressed.
Wow. Wow, have you ever noticed how athletes want to be musicians and musicians want to be athletes?
Yeah?
Someay, sure, there's a lot of musicialll esventually musicians in golf because yeah, they work at night. Yeah, so what do you do during the day? Yeah, only go to so many movies? Right, So, and when you're traveling a lot, you bring your sticks and you get to play golf. Fascinating. Tell me about your foundation.
Ah, the Lotus Arts Foundation, Yes, please sure. The Lotus Arts Foundation was established in nineteen eighty eight. It initially was to solely. At that point, I was running a SPA an areavidk SPA retreat in Colorado, So there's been a.
Lot of places yeah life. Yeah, And initially it.
Was set up to give scholarships to people, but then things kind of grew and I was starting to do a music residencies and tours in schools around the country for kids with music. So then we expanded it to the music and arts and that was really awesome, And that's kind of the base from where it's at now.
And now again it's growing to incorporate this human psychological element to where I give talks and around the country, and it's and helping people to deal with their inner game of life, with their relationships and now with golf as well, and with business too. You know, like so many times, you know, I meet up with people who are you.
Know, going into meetings say I suck, yeah, yeah.
And I see just just this part alone about turning your doubts inside out is it's its power and effect is so vast. And by turning it around and go when you hear like going into a business meeting, I'm gonna screw this up or whatever, put on the brakes and catch it and go, oh, this is really exciting, this is awesome. Why because I just heard I suck and what is that? It's not telling me I'm going
to I'm going to do bad. No, it's actually saying if I pay attention here and put in the thought that, Okay, I accept that I'm going to suck at this business meeting and I'm not going to get the contract or whatever I'm looking for, and you just accept that and then you put in oh, but it's really telling me there's some magic waiting to happen if that powerful letter word, two letter word, if I step up here, and if you do this, your totally energy changes. You become vibrant
and your glow and the success happens. And I've seen it time and again, unbelievable.
Tell me now about your book and how we can access these you know, specific chapters. Now, a book again is in Love Forever and it's all about your relationships and whatnot. But there are elements that you think that are very specific for golfers in there. So what yes you suggests? And also I just want to say that the quantum golf the path to golf mastery, which now do you see this as a helpful thing, or you saw it as.
A totally totally help totally wonderful primer for getting you know, finding yourself and and and readjusting, because you know, when you get caught in the doubt, it creates fear, and the fear leads to restriction in your swing, and the mind gets all confused your you know, and your swing gets all over the place and so resulting in you know, mistakes and you.
You get all tied up and not.
So the book really is talking about how to refocus and calm yourself to again, like using the the legend of bager Vance, find your authentic swing. I think it's it's very inspiring and and it's a quick read.
Oh yeah, it's only one hundred pages plus. I mean, it's not that much more than one hundred pages. Yeah, well, the epilog starts on page one oh seven. But what I'm going to do is the book is is still available, so I'm going to put it in our in our golfers mart on golf Smarter dot com, so we'll have so if you go into the book section, you'll see you can pick up that book, Quantum Golf The Path
to Golf Mastery by somebody named Shelle and Hunger. But your book and your chapter, how does Golf Smarter remember and listener get to.
That great question?
So the book in Love Forever that I've written with my past, my late wife Wendy, Seven Secrets to a Joyous, Juicy Relationship. The book is in the process right now of being edited and then it's going to be released and published in the meantime. I would love to be able to give this chapter about doubts to those that are interested. So I think, and I truly feel, it'll be a great help to the golf enthusiasts listening today. So what if they email you Fred?
Okay, so it's a PDF for something, Okay, all right, So what we can do is if you go ahead and click on the Heyfred button at Golfsmarter dot com and say that you want to get the chapter about doubt from Carrie Valentine. I will forward that off to Carrie and you can have a conversation with Carrie and even for sure from.
Charac because that's what he's doing. Yeah, I would love to great.
Well, thank you, it's really been helpful and I'm glad that you were able to get the media passed by lying about golf smarter and best of luck on this. I hope it goes well for you. I hope you get a lot of response and that it starts picking up.
Thanks so much, thank you so much for having me here. Fred I really enjoyed this