Gay men, and anyone who doesn’t match the style guide of their bio-families, can get hit with a special kind of emotional whiplash this time of year. However you’re spending these weeks, please know you’re not alone. Not with the feelings, at least. Plenty of us have been there, and many of us still are. I’ve spent Christmas Eve barbacking a thinly attended Monday karaoke night at Revolver in West Hollywood. The flimsy pretense that it was just another casual hang evaporated as the holiday songs...
Dec 12, 2025•10 min
I keep wondering how “sex-positive” became a buzzword at the exact same time everybody started having less sex . When we live in a reality where medication protocols like PrEP and DoxyPEP can prevent a person from acquiring or shedding HIV and STIs, when U=U , why are we having less sex now than when sex was literally deadly? Race Bannon, who writes the Substack Love At The Edges , shared a story in his post, From Passion to Performance , that may explain some of it. “I was attending a large gay...
Nov 24, 2025•21 min
My heart aches to share the community of men. Not a widespread sentiment among left-leaning queers, I know. Inclusiveness — meaning all people of all kinds should be in all spaces, every time we do anything — is the only acceptable way to socialize nowadays. I get it. But, I miss the fuck out of those all-male spaces. Even before sex became important to me, all-male spaces provided the kind of mentoring a boy can only get from men. Like that feeling I had as a 13-year-old Boy Scout, sitting unde...
Nov 11, 2025•13 min
Two months ago, I wrote about embracing the yoga practice of sexual restraint, brahmacharya, which is one of the five yamas in the first limb of yoga. Yesterday, I was lying face down on an exam table in my doctor’s office, my cargo shorts pulled down, ass up, and a needle injecting antibiotics into my left ass cheek to treat gonorrhea found in my urine. So, what’s going on? Over the past two months, I’ve spent more of my time doing asana yoga (poses) at a yoga studio than attending my cruisy gy...
Jul 31, 2025•10 min
Categorizing LGBTQ+ people as a single community , rather than a broad coalition of diverse groups, is paralyzing the advancement of services, spaces, and political outcomes most of us want. Recognizing our coalition-ness would allow for a greater diversity of thought and, more importantly, more resources for the goals we all agree on. This gay man would rather defeat MAGA authoritarianism and celebrate gay male culture than land a painful blow to any of the other letters in the rainbow alphabet...
Jul 23, 2025•15 min
You are not reading the post I had prepared for today. The hot vomit of my pain Attacking the confusion this old gay man feels in the Rainbow tribe of 2025. Written in blind fury.Staggeringly numb. On edge, teetering on the precipice of oblivionUnaware of its grip on my heart. This heart, clenched. These guts, a slithering knot. My presence in this moment; Impossible. The venomous edge stalks like a desperate lover. Full of blame, attack, defiance, rage… He’s a gaslighting lover. Insisting my ex...
Jun 26, 2025•6 min
Thanks for the invite. Who’s coming? When we receive an invite to an all gay event, what’s the first thing we do? Sure, we look at the theme of the party, the location, the date, but those are usually secondary considerations to the big question, “who’s going?” This is really a multiprong question: Will I feel comfortable with these guys? Is there anyone there I’d like to to date or fuck? Will anyone there want to date or fuck me? Will these guys bore me to death? Basically, am I physically and ...
Jun 11, 2025•14 min
This post is sexually explicit and very AIDS-y. Two states older gay men know well. Those adhering to the standard narrative I wrote about in my last post will find this content disquieting. So, with that warning, here goes. * A few months ago, on my knees, among hundreds of bodies writhing around me, a cock in my mouth exploded with a rare load in the G-dosed molly-spiked energy of a dance party dark room. I looked up and smiled with gratitude at the guy, who nodded down at me with a satisfied ...
May 16, 2024•13 min
“Hey! It’s you guys. I didn’t know you’d be on the ship!” It takes me two full seconds to recognize the tall, lean Italian with dark eyes and grey-speckled beard stubble before a surge of joy-filled love overtakes me. I embrace him with one arm and squeeze my husband’s wrist in the elevator bay crowded with men in costumes. “Dennis! Look who it is!” We are taking a bathroom break during the first themed dance party of the seven-day March 2024 Atlantis Events (99% gay) cruise on the Valiant Lady,...
Apr 18, 2024•12 min
Easy to say. “You’re perfect.” “I see you as perfect.” All you need to do is let go of all the thoughts, beliefs, emotions, mental constructs, advertisements, comparisons on social media, and the tap tap tap of that nagging voice that says, “Don’t fall behind. You can still catch up. You can still win!” Just follow your breath. Well, notice it first. Can you? That thing you do every moment of every day. That very first thing you did when you slipped wet and cold into existence. That thing that w...
Apr 08, 2024•4 min
Just feelings. That’s what this week is about. Preparing for an ayahuasca plant ceremony is an opening of the raw self. It’s day 6 of taking away most of the things that help me avoid feelings. Coffee, weed, alcohol, refined sugar, red meat, lots of other things… and, wait for it, ejaculation! Yup. Just sit there and take it bitch! Worried about your substack, your husband’s struggles, your relevance in gay men’s culture, your mom’s reality without your dad, your other mom’s torments, your siste...
Feb 29, 2024•4 min
Moments after the door to my condo closed behind us, the stranger I’d cruised on the subway locked his mouth on mine. I eagerly accepted. The tension of 30+ minutes of eyeing each other in the train car, up the escalators, down Sunset Blvd., to this moment, piqued our primal need to engage. He pulled at the bottom of his shirt. I leaned away from kissing his scruffy face and said, “Hold on, can I get that for you?” and I slowly pulled his shirt up, revealing his bare skin, happy trail, belly but...
Feb 02, 2024•11 min
My last post, Love, Contempt, and Leather Contests , ended up being a lackluster whimper that confused a few people. Thank you guys for the feedback. “Where’s the contempt?” they asked. And they were right to ask. In haste to meet my publishing deadline (on the 1st and 3rd Thursdays), I rushed a piece that was not ready for release. I also let an effort to be magnanimous prevent me from being brave. I am afraid to hurt the feelings of people I have grown to care about, even love. But sometimes, ...
Jan 24, 2024•17 min
Overwhelmed by crowds of geared-up men at my first leather event, a Tom of Finland “Butt Boy” party in Hollywood, I escaped to an outdoor patio for a cigarette. I was in my late 20s, in the mid-1990s, wearing gear I’d purchased specifically for the event: a harness, armbands, a classic leather cap, leather shorts, and boots from an army surplus store on Santa Monica Blvd. With my naked back against a cool brick wall, I watched as men drifted between rooms while I pulled casually on my cigarette,...
Jan 19, 2024•7 min
“I blink, and you’re hooked up with someone!” My husband says with his testosterone-fueled competitive voice. I get a wonderful turn-on when I see this side of my normally deferential, even-mannered, Vulcan-like boy. It’s dangerously delicious. His full 42-year-old, tall, masculine body radiates primal testosterone. Men turn me on, so seeing him charged with desire and vexed sexual frustration is intoxicating. It makes him sexually vibrant and desirable. I feel like a badass. And he confirms, wi...
Jan 04, 2024•13 min
I was recently at an all-gay birthday party, standing in a small gaggle of well-known friends comparing ages. The birthday “boy” was 44. I let the group know I will be 59 this April. Then said, “I’m old.” “You’re not old!” One of them insisted, his eyes confused. I stood my ground and insisted that, by the numbers around life expectancy, I was in the final 3rd or 4th of my life. His expression changed to befuddled surprise. He then scanned me up and down before saying, with some exasperation, “B...
Dec 21, 2023•10 min
Two years ago, while in my 57th year, I began going out to dance parties again. To my surprise, reentering the gay dance party scene at 56 proved to be, and continues to be, a much more edifying experience than it was in my 20s. I give credit for this transformation to decades of seeking with my MFT therapists Karen, Jim, Winston, and Sharon, a Forum-like intensive called The Experience, MKP men’s retreats, meditation retreats, yoga teacher training, coaching training, Tantra training, a persona...
Aug 04, 2023•10 min
Interested in a 3-way? ... Sign up for our Masterclass Trio: Sex / Love & Relationships / Spirituality & Intuition Bundle In these courses, you'll learn tips, tricks and insider information from 3 generations of gay men. You'll leave knowing how to prepare your mind, body, and spirit to give & receive the sex you desire and deserve. You'll explore finding love in all the right places! Find the inspired answers inside of you waiting to be discovered. Evoke your true desires and empowe...
Nov 06, 2020•28 min
Interested in a 3-way? ... Sign up for our Masterclass Trio: Sex / Love & Relationships / Spirituality & Intuition today! In these courses, you'll learn tips, tricks and insider information from 3 generations of gay men. You'll leave knowing how to prepare your mind, body, and spirit to give & receive the sex you desire and deserve. You'll explore finding love in all the right places! Find the inspired answers inside of you waiting to be discovered. Evoke your true desires and empowe...
Oct 30, 2020•11 min
Hello GerleMen listeners. She is hilarious. She is irreverent. She is devastating in her academic acumen and her theatrical talent. And, although we may be laughing, her messages are packed with wisdom and insights many listeners will find life-affirming. While we pause our regular episodes and prepare a spectacular Season 2 of the GerleMen Podcast, we’d like you to enjoy some short, bonus episodes, co-hosted by my dear friend and rambunctious orange Nun, Sister Unity of the Los Angeles House of...
Oct 16, 2020•12 min
Dear listeners - join us next week for our Sex, Love & Relationships virtual workshop !! We'd love to see you join the discussion and connect in real-time. xo Hello GerleMen listeners. She is hilarious. She is irreverent. She is devastating in her academic acumen and her theatrical talent. And, although we may be laughing, her messages are packed with wisdom and insights many listeners will find life-affirming. While we pause our regular episodes and prepare a spectacular Season 2 of the Ger...
Oct 02, 2020•11 min
Hello GerleMen listeners. She is hilarious. She is irreverent. She is devastating in her academic acumen and her theatrical talent. And, although we may be laughing, her messages are packed with wisdom and insights many listeners will find life-affirming. While we pause our regular episodes and prepare a spectacular Season 2 of the GerleMen Podcast, we’d like you to enjoy some short, bonus episodes, co-hosted by my dear friend and rambunctious orange Nun, Sister Unity of the Los Angeles House of...
Sep 18, 2020•11 min
Hello GerleMen listeners. She is hilarious. She is irreverent. She is devastating in her academic acumen and her theatrical talent. And, although we may be laughing, her messages are packed with wisdom and insights many listeners will find life-affirming. While we pause our regular episodes and prepare a spectacular Season 2 of the GerleMen Podcast, we’d like you to enjoy some short, bonus episodes, co-hosted by my dear friend and rambunctious orange Nun, Sister Unity of the Los Angeles House of...
Sep 04, 2020•9 min
Hello GerleMen listeners. She is hilarious. She is irreverent. She is devastating in her academic acumen and her theatrical talent. And, although we may be laughing, her messages are packed with wisdom and insights many listeners will find life-affirming. While we pause our regular episodes and prepare a spectacular Season 2 of the GerleMen Podcast, we’d like you to enjoy some short, bonus episodes, co-hosted by my dear friend and rambunctious orange Nun, Sister Unity of the Los Angeles House of...
Aug 21, 2020•8 min
Hello GerleMen listeners! I want to thank you for listening to the premiere season of the GerleMen Podcast as we wrap up Season 1. On the show, we explored everything from “feelings” to “sex” to “spirituality” to “queer Hollywood” all sprinkled with the reality of the COVID-19 pandemic and a resurgence of social justice with Black Lives Matter protests. A special highlight for me personally was the episode with my Momon Father where he told us about ‘loving-kindness.' When this all started, I ha...
Jul 31, 2020•6 min
I need to get honest with you about sex. Because I love it, and believe that celebrating mindful, “conscious sex” is essential for gay men’s dignity. My last " Being A Man ," or BAM , episode was about moving from oppression to celebration; and I barely mentioned sex at all. After a long discussion with my boyfriend regarding my struggle writing that episode, I realized that I had let my socialized, American, fear about sex, launch me into a clumsy, diatribe about fear itself, and my fear of jus...
Jul 24, 2020•26 min
Today’s conversation with Joel our first deep dive into the connection sex and spirituality. Joel helps us try on the ancient Tantra concept that everything about our experience on earth is spiritual -- including our sexual energy. Prior to the pandemic, I visited Joel’s gorgeous studio in Seattle where I learned to celebrate, cultivate, and conserve my own lower chakra energy. The experience was an embodiment of transforming crotch-centered connections into a heart-centered community. Enjoy the...
Jul 17, 2020•52 min
Rev. Jesse Brune-Horan has been a celebrity chef and a personal trainer, appearing on both Bravo and Oprah. But his true calling is his spiritual work and mission. On this episode, he shows us how celebrating his authenticity as a gay man is key to his spiritual growth. Rev. Jesse has a deep sense of personal dignity, a no-nonsense realness toward embracing spirituality, and an ability to give white people concrete advice on advancing social justice for black Americans. Jesse is a gay man whose ...
Jul 10, 2020•55 min
Today I talk with Brian D. Mahan. He is a Somatic Experiencing Practitioner. I wanted to talk to Brian because he is a treasure trove of information on healing trauma. Trauma is something all humans experience, but gay people and people labeled as “the other” tend to experience more than our fair share of it. Brian is a self-described “wounded healer” who describes how we can use our bodies as a conduit to the wisdom of our intuition. Since our intuition is where the answers to happiness live, I...
Jul 03, 2020•1 hr 1 min
Today’s guest is Chris Kuwahara-Smith. I wanted to interview Chris because he creates heart-centered community through his organization, California Gay Adventures (CGA). During CGA-hosted camping trip in Zion National Park, it became clear to me that Chris is doing something important - something that is both classic and radically different. California Gay Adventures delivers iconic American outdoorsmen culture (that’s the classic part) and he does it specifically for gay men and LGBTQ people. T...
Jun 26, 2020•54 min
