#99 S4 EP 19: The Odyssey of Affection with Paul Zolman Blending Humor, Wisdom, and Faith in the Quest for Connection

Love languages are a powerful , powerful thing that I know that a lot of folks don't even realize anything about . Do you have any thoughts to it ? Before we get ready to pray ?

So that's what that means . That's why I feel that way .

We turn down and rebuke any assignment of the enemy that will be sent back into the pit of hell , where it came from . We pray in the name of Jesus for the ones that have the desire to know who you are , for the ones that don't have the desire to know who you are and for the ones that wants to know you but don't know how .

We ask you right now to touch them from the crown of their hands to the soles of their feet , that the Holy Spirit would just move about in them and through them . That would just have its way . These things and all things we ask all in Jesus' mighty name . We say thank you , thank you God , and we say amen , amen , amen and amen , amen , amen .

He sold the property , sold all the equipment , and when the people came to the auction he said and would you like this child and would you like this child , and would you like this child and would you like this child ? And he systematically gave all the children away except for one .

He took Benjamin with him to Montana , found a school teacher that had never been married and with her had 10 more children , so 19 children altogether . For this grandfather , my father's number six was the second 10 . And so my father was born in 1922 . And in 1932 , when he was just 10 years old , my grandfather passed away . His father passed away .

So not only do you have abandonment issues of now 19 children , but you're right , in the middle of the Great Depression , 1932 . It's when all the economic things are going wrong . A lot of finances are tough to come by All . That is hard to come by at that particular time .

And so in that time period , my father makes a decision Well , I'm going to just go through eighth grade and then I'm going to start working , and that's what he did . So , with an eighth grade education , that's how he supported 11 children in his own time , which is very difficult .

So he became a truck driver and he'd go out on trips during the week and then come home every Friday night . Catherine and Michael . He dated my mother every Friday night when he came home . I would never see him , but he would go out and have a date with my mother .

They would meet at a certain place they called it the Maverick Bar and then they would just have their reunion at that time . And while they're saying , how was your week , how was your week ? While they're doing that , I can imagine them .

I can imagine my mother starting at the oldest child and then just telling what they did , what they did what they did , and then all the way down and I'm number 10 . So by the time they get to number 10 , through all those boys , I'm a thorn between two roses , catherine . I have an older sister and a younger sister and I'm the thorn between them .

All the rest are brothers . So all these older brothers , they're like puppies . They're swatting at each other and wrestling around and breaking their arms and doing this sort of thing . All this stuff's happening . My mother's telling my dad all about everything that went on during the week and he's getting annoyed , annoyed , annoyed , annoyed , annoyed .

He's ready to blow , ready to have that anger attack . And I'm number 10 . And he values women and we know he values women . By the way , he took my mother out on a date every Friday night . He never missed all the time he's going out on a date .

And so when I'm sandwiched between two girls and if I even look at them cross-eyed , I'm sandwiched between two girls and and I'm , if I even look at them , cross-eyed , I'm in trouble . So it's just , I'm kind of in that position of the family . So I don't look forward to those weekends .

I'm either getting the belt or I'm getting a very severe spanking , and one , one time I remember the spanking was so severe , catherine Michael , that that I was black and blue for about three weeks . Wow , just that . Yeah , more like a beating than a spanking . It was just severe .

I don't even remember what I did , because there was that disconnect between what I did and then what the punishment was Right . So that's kind of the background of what I grew up in . And by the time I get to age 35 , I'm still blaming my father for all social awkwardness because , guess what ?

From a generational standpoint not genetic , but a generational standpoint he passed on that dysfunction that maybe he got from his own father . As parents always do , whatever our parents learned , that's what they're passing on to their kids . And so he passed that on and I started to be annoyed , annoyed , annoyed , annoyed .

And then flash , I'd have this flash of anger and I thought how do I get over that of anger ? And I thought , how do I get over that ? I just couldn't say I don't want to be angry , because that's like a double negative in that sense and double negatives only work in math that you multiply two negative numbers together , then you get a positive .

It doesn't work in relationships . So I realized that that and the other thing is in a social setting , if you're getting angry , everybody is kind of moving away from you and you're kind of repelling people , especially people . If others came with you , it's just like .

It's like , you know , I don't want to be around that person and it's just kind of that repelling . I did not want that kind of feeling to continue . Well , fast forward a little bit . I had eight children myself , so from our grandfather who had 19 , my father toned it down a little bit . He only had 11 , only 11 . I only had eight .

We're improving this , catherine , michael , we're getting older , right , my kids are . My kids are great . Except I want more grandchildren . They're only , they're only having three , and that's it . And so I always have this philosophy that if you can juggle three kids , or juggle three things at a time , you can juggle 10 . And so why not ?

If you're going to go to three , go to 10 . And so I just want more grandchildren . That's all I want , catherine . So all this anger flashing , I realized was really contributory to the demise of my first marriage .

After 23 and a half years , my wife decided she didn't want the lifestyle anymore , so I had five kids left in the house , and so when it was time for her weekend to have the kids , what I found myself doing was looking online , and I find someone that I might want to date , and so they're in a different city , I'm in a different city , we pick a city and

we decide we're going to have a date and I called it destination dating . So I did that for about a year and a half , this destination dating , and so I was living in South Carolina at the time .

So I went to Atlanta , georgia and Daytona Beach , florida and Jacksonville , florida , columbia , south Carolina , charlotte , north Carolina , new York City , nashville , kansas City , salt Lake City , phoenix , las Vegas , cabo San Lucas , snowflake , arizona . Lots of places that I went . I spent more than $10,000 just flying around doing destination dates , found nothing .

It's like that song , michael , that you sing , looking for love in all the wrong places , and it's just kind of just like those lyrics . So here I am , and I thought I had a line on someone . So I moved to Phoenix . It didn't turn out . So here I am in Phoenix .

My wife my ex-wife had decided she wanted primary custody now of the remaining three children because she was going to go live with her parents , and I thought , well , that's probably not a bad idea , because these three children would get to know their grandparents Her parents are fabulous , get to know their grandparents and that would be a really good thing .

And so we did that . So I'm all by myself in Phoenix Now my sister , my older sister gives me a call and said Paul , I have a neighbor that I want to introduce to you . My sister lives seven hours away . I was done with that destination dating . I knew it just wasn't working . But you've got to understand .

I'm number 10 of 11 children and everything that the older siblings say you've got to do when you're on the bottom of the totem pole . So she said , oh , come on , because I told her I didn't want to do it right . So I decided , okay , well , I'll email . What kind of relationship can you develop with email ? Okay , I'll do the email . We were great .

She was a great writer . In fact , one of the times I remember asking her well , how many times have you been married ? And I emailing this to her and she writes back you mean counting the fives that are buried in the backyard . Well , her sense of humor . I knew she had a sense of humor .

At that point in time I thought , what the heck , I got a live one on the wire wire here . Let's , let's start seeing if we can reel this in . So I started , we started the relationship a little bit more and I I started going up to where my sister lived , driving seven hours and driving seven hours back on a weekend and so started getting a little closer .

And then I decided I moved up by my sister and the relationship blossoms a little bit more . Now we're getting serious . So it's time to take this girl for big brother approval . I'm number 10 of 11 . Remember I got to have that big brother approval .

So I take her north , 300 miles from where I live , and first thing that happens when I go in my brother's house is my sister-in-law pulls her aside and says the only emotion that the Zolman family learned growing up is anger . At first I denied it , I said uh-uh , then it made me mad . Right , I thought I'm busted .

So I thought that at that point in time I had an opportunity that I could change the perception of the Zolman family from one of being the angry family to being more loving . So I started reading the color code and then settled on the five love languages .

Now , the five love languages , michael is a book that was written way back in 1992 , a very old book , and Dr Chapman was irreverent . So he said that these five love languages actually reconcile to the life of Jesus Christ . And just in review of the five love languages , for those listeners that may not know the five love languages .

You've got service , and we know that Jesus Christ did service to everyone that he came in contact with . We love his words . Words is also a love language . So , michael , these are ways that people like to be loved . Some people like one way more than any other way , and Dr Chapman calls that the primary love language .

So it could be service , it could be words , it could be gifts . Maybe you like to get those presents and maybe that's just how you feel loved , or it could be maybe it's just spending time . So Jesus had the gifts of the Spirit . He also spent time with people . He would just sit down and have a conversation with people .

I mean , there's just countless opportunities , countless accounts of him spending time with people . And then the last one that we haven't touched on is touch . So he touched the eyes so people could see . He touched the ears so people could hear , and the woman touched the head with his garment . Touch was a big deal .

You remember when he was resurrected he had to say to Mary touch me not . Why would he have to say that if touch was not a part of his ministry ? She was coming in for the full on hug and he had to say touch me , not because he hadn't ascended to the Father yet . So we know touch was absolutely part of his ministry as well .

So what Dr Chapman says reconciles that all five of those love languages reconcile to the life of Jesus Christ . Being a Christian , I absolutely wanted that for myself and I really really glommed on , really really liked the five love language principles . So I thought I want to see how I can make that part of my life . What does application work ?

Like Catherine , for example , if I guess what love language you are and I cater to that , we're going to be buddies . I'm a bad guesser . It's not going to happen . It doesn't . It just wasn't working for me . How am I supposed to guess ?

The second thing that Dr Chapman has in his book is well , if you take this survey , then you can find out what your love language is . Well , what am I supposed to do with that Advertise ? Hello , I'm GIFs . What are you having for your day ? I mean , that's so awkward . I already had social awkwardness . I was getting angry in public .

I already had that social awkwardness . I did not want more . So I thought you know what ? As a child I remember our family , even as dysfunctional as it was . I remember us getting together to play games and there'd be the smack talk and there'd be the put downs and there'd be all that angry stuff that happens in that angry setting of an abusive family .

But I remember just bringing us together . I thought what if I could make this a game ? So I contacted Dr Chapman , sent him an email and his attorney sent back . I asked him are you licensing those little pictures for the love languages or the icons that he had for the love languages ?

And they said his attorney wrote back , said no , we're not doing that at the time and frankly I was grateful . But I also still had this idea how can I make it into like a game ? So I went to a copyright attorney in my town and that copyright attorney said that theory , like the love language theory , is not copyrightable . Application is .

Dr Chapman wasn't using it as a game . So I decided I'll make it a game . So that's what I did . So I made it a dice that has the love language that's on it . Right there you can see an hourglass on the hand that represents time . The platter on the hand represents service .

Two hands together with making a heart with a little conversation fly up from that . That represents the words . Two hands touching represent touch and the gift on the hand represents the gifts . Five love languages , six sides on the die . The sixth side represents surprise me . So there's just two instructions . You roll the dice every day . That's the love language .

You practice giving away all day , that day , all day . It's not like that , like I did the dishes I've done . It's not like that . It's not an event like that at all . It's just giving , giving the love away all day long . And I found that by doing that , you're kind of being like what jesus did . He was giving away love all day long .

I don't know of any circumstance that we have in the scriptures of where Jesus wanted something that he didn't have . He was always thinking about other people , always thinking about their needs , always thinking about their needs or wants and giving that love in a loving way to them . If he could , that's awesome .

I wrote , I wrote a book , a book about it . It's called the Role of Love . The book actually became an international bestseller earlier this year . Then we have a journal too , so you can keep track of what you rolled , what opportunities you saw to love in that way , what you did about those opportunities .

So you can get the cube , the book and the journal in a bundle package right now on sale . It's a whole lot less than just one therapy session with your therapist it's only $29.99 , and it's at rolloflovecom R-O-L-L-E-O-F-L-O-V-Ecom . That's where they can get it , but there's , I mean , it's really very helpful what it did for me , remember ?

I told you that I felt like I was stacking anger , stacking these annoyances one on top of another , and that would actually lead up to the flash . What I found now , catherine Michael , is that these little kindness and these nice things also stack up and when they stack up , then you get to the point of forgiveness or you get to the point of intimacy .

Because if someone is asking you for forgiveness or you're asking someone else for forgiveness , it's going to take doing something nice , doing something nice , doing something nice , doing something nice , doing something nice , doing something nice , like a stair step until they can trust you again and you receive that forgiveness .

It would be the same with intimacy , any of those higher laws . You're doing a kindness , kindness , kindness , until you get to the point that you feel I feel like I want to give myself to that person . You want that intimacy . It works the same for compassion .

You do these kind things and then you get to that higher law of compassion , that higher law of charity , that higher law of sympathy , that higher law of empathy . These are the basics , this is the foundation , these are the foundation principles that you really want to build your loving life on . Are these love languages ? And thanks to Dr Chapman for doing this .

This is so helpful to everyone . But we really need to get on the foundation .

It simplifies the steps , the steps , and so you know , we have our dominant or primary , our love language , but it just seems like it sounds like the way the process that you've created it brings balance to all of them . Would you say that ?

At that time , you know all the languages , backwards and forwards , to give it away . The best part about that is that you can see it when it's coming your way and , like you talked about Catherine , you're not watching for that dominant or your preferred love language , your primary love language . You're not watching for that all the time .

Of course you're watching for it , but you're not watching for it all the time If someone's loving on you and it's not your primary love language . Now you have that peripheral vision . You can say , oh , they're loving on me .

I can respond in love because I can see they're sending love my way , not my primary love language , but I can see they're sending love and it's just a communication thing , just taps down misunderstanding and engenders and creates more understanding , and I think that's what love really needs to do .

It is just that understanding of one another , regardless of where we come from . It's just understanding how we can express love one to another .

What I found , catherine , michael , was in my journey . I found that I was being annoyed at what other people were doing . I would say what's wrong with them , and just that would annoy me . I'm hardly ever annoyed at myself One time . I'm hardly ever annoyed at myself . One time I do remember being annoyed at myself . I didn't talk to myself for three days .

And I had it expressed , probably the best way of all , from a gentleman from India last week that I was talking to . He said we don't think about Mother Teresa and we don't think about Gandhi , even though they're in the history .

It would be like in America thinking about Kennedy and about Eisenhower and about their doctrine , about the good things that they did during their presidency . We don't think about that every day , just like India doesn't think about Gandhi or Mother Teresa every day .

He says in our places of worship they teach to watch for the good in other people and fix the bad in yourself . That's it In America . We watch for the bad in others , criticize and think we're OK , we're good , we're good . And we think and think we're okay , we're good , we're good , and we think we're fine , we're not .

That's the difference , and there's just that humility that the people in India have to think that they've got things to work on . It reminds me of the Last Supper , do you remember that Jesus said one of you is going to betray me ? And everyone says , everyone said this , not just Judas , but everyone said Lord is a die , lord is a die .

And I think , catherine and Michael , this , just that very phrase has been so helpful for me in this transformation from looking for things to be angry about to watching now for things to be loving about . And it broke that generational chain . It absolutely broke that chain that I can see and watch for good about everyone right now . It's really easy to do that .

Everybody has it . Everybody has something good about everyone right now . It's really easy to do that . Everybody has it . Everybody has something good about them .

And I thought , oh well , I'll just practice it with everybody . And I think that's a very significant question , michael , because doing it with your significant other is like a part-time job . I don't know anybody anybody that is with their significant other 24-7 . Significant other 24-7 .

So therefore , loving , in Dr Chapman's eyes looked like a part-time job , and I'm sure that's unintentional , he didn't mean it that way , but it looked like a part-time job . Loving everyone that you come in contact with builds that character , that you'll have that loving sense all day long , at work , at home , at play .

Everywhere you go , you keep that loving , loving sense that there's something good about those people that you're around , whether it's at work or play or home , every , everywhere you are , there's something good about those people .

It says service time , touch , gifts and encouraging words . We have to understand that these five love languages can also be used with Jesus Amen , because he gave us the love to be shown . Love languages can also be used with Jesus Amen , because he gave us the love to be shown .

So therefore , he wants to be touched by grabbing his word , serving God , you know , doing the things for him , using your time , using your gifts that he has given you and even giving you encouraging words by saying you know what God has brought you from . So , yes , these five love languages can also be done with the relationship with Jesus Christ Amen .

And it should be done at all times . I mean , you know you don't have to just roll the dice one time and do that one thing , you should do it them all at one time , especially when it comes to Jesus .

I absolutely agree , Michael , that you can be given them all the time , but I think that for learning purposes , that instead of having your day go willy-nilly like , come what may and you just have this reactive day , most people will tend to go toward anger , and that's why I've simplified this a whole lot that one day you're practicing that one kind , you'll see

other opportunities to come and you don't have to shun those opportunities . You can do those opportunities . But for the focus of the day you're focusing on , to learn how to give that one love language away . And by doing that , by learning how to give it away , you can see it come in your way . And I think that's the key to make this work .

That's the key to make the transformation . Whether it's from anger or whether it's from depression or whatever it's from , whatever you're feeling , however you're feeling down or out , whatever it is that you want to improve in your life , you can do that through love .

And I absolutely agree with you , Michael , we can practice all of them all day long , and we should be . We absolutely should be .

From the Sanskrit dialect we get a few words that are very , very nice words . From that Sanskrit dialect we get words like nirvana , we get words like karma . But the word I want to talk about is namaste no-transcript , and bow their head , close their eyes . They say namaste . The Hindu translation of namaste means the God in me sees the God in you .

Put another way , it means the divine in me sees the divine in you , or the light in me sees the divine in you , the light in me sees the light in you .

I think that if we go about our lives , michael and Catherine , with that attitude that everyone has light , that we're watching for that light and we're turning those lights on You've never heard anybody say turn off the dark or turn on the dark . You never heard anybody say that . You always hear them talking about the light .

This is our opportunity to turn on the lights for those people that can't even have a hard time seeing . They're too close to the forest to see the trees . They can't see the light in themselves . So let's turn on the lights for those people , express to them how we feel about them and the light that we see in them .

I think that's the best thing we can do in our homes , in our communities , in our states , in our nation or in the world . That's something that we can do to make the world a better place .

We pray , in the name of Jesus , that we would all be intentional About our relationships and understanding love languages . We pray that you will continue To broaden Mr Paul's influence as he goes forth To deliver what you have given him . We pray the blessings of the Lord Be upon his family and everyone who is near and dear to him .

We pray the blessings of the Lord be upon his family and everyone who is near and dear to him . We pray for this ministry and we pray for just everything that is coming forth in the kingdom . We bless your name and we say thank you . We pray this prayer in the mighty name of Jesus Christ . We do pray Amen , amen and amen .

Mr Paul , we so appreciate your presence . Can you tell us again how they can get this package one more time Please ?

Remember until next time . You are a diamond in the rough .