#63 S3 EP 24: Tackling the Barriers to Male Identity: Conquering Fears and Embracing Vulnerability with Mike Van Pelt

But to God be the glory , we are here , and if you don't know who we are , I am Catherine and I am Mike . We are so glad to be with you one more time . We got a special guest with us . Amen , his name is Mike , just like Michael , his name is Mike too . Amen , michael , you said hello to everyone .

So that means that this is something powerful for the men to understand , because the devil don't want us to succeed .

We pray in an image of you or test the ones that know . You test the ones that even don't know . You even test the one that has no desire to know who you are . We pray in an image , wherever they are , whether they listen in now or later , that they will be blessed according to your will and purpose .

These things and all things we ask , all in Jesus mighty name , we say thank you and we say amen amen amen .

But it really developed out of a men's small group that a buddy in mine , paul Bailey , and I started , and at a certain point we felt like we needed to formalize our group .

So we added the name True man , with the idea that what we needed was a role model , somebody to look at , that we could take those values and principles from , and the best person we could come up with , if not the most obvious , was Jesus Christ .

And so we named our men's small group that , and because I'm not a brilliant marketer , I thought , well , that would be a heck of a name for a business and we brought it along and we named the podcast that .

And so the podcast really is designed to help men be better men , better fathers and better spouses , and , in a world that continues to , in a lot of cases , attack masculinity and try to confuse what masculinity really is , it felt like to Paul and I that that was something that we needed to address , and so I'm always having topics on that can help men be

better men .

And the primary reason that I'm coaching is what I found and it was personal to me , was it ?

Sometimes men just go through stages and seasons in their life where you just don't know what's next and you're searching for more and you want more out of life , and you know what's available but you don't know who to talk to or who to go to , and most of us , as men , weren't exactly raised to be vulnerable .

If we fell on the ground , we were raised to rub it out and not say ouch and not there's anything wrong with that , but there's a better way to live . And so the whole idea around my coaching was to just be there for guys and help them walk through a season of life where they needed somebody to help them gain the clarity that they needed .

So that's a little about me and true man life and how it came into existence .

We went through this whole thing of what are the pains that men have and there are a lot of them and I addressed well , like identity , truth , what's your vision , your purpose , confidence , shame , anger , things like that , and when we got done , I thought to myself all of those things and more are truths that men go through in their life .

But something really hit me and it was something that a woman that I met last year said to me . I probably had known her a grand total of five minutes and she said to me Mike , do you know what you do for men ? And I said , no , go ahead and tell me . She said , mike , you help guys that aren't used to asking for help .

And man did that sit in me for a while because that was me , that was me , and so I've got a collaboration book coming out with some authors here in the real near future , and the topic that I went to almost immediately was the power of asking for help , because when I was young . I had six years old .

At the age of six I was diagnosed with the spigmatism and the doctor put me in glasses and you know , other than the typical , you know four eye jokes and all that stuff , what really got me was when people would say , wow , you look smart , those glasses make you look smart .

And between that and a combination of you know , of really being pretty shy and introverted , I stopped asking questions and you know what I now know was that was really the start of me trying to take everything on by myself .

And a lot of guys do this and you know we do it out of you know , a number of reasons , but I highlighted four in this upcoming chapter in the book that I have coming out the fear of rejection , the fear of uncertainty , the fear of being found out and the fear of being unworthy . And what happens with a lot of guys is we don't want to be found out .

So we don't ask a lot of questions , we just bury it deep in our soul , hoping that we never have to address it .

And typically that comes up in the most you know , in opportune times , and it usually comes up when we're an adult and we're searching and you can't be the very best man you could be when you haven't addressed things like old wounds or things you've buried in your soul . And you know , most of us weren't taught how to address those things .

In fact , some of us thought that addressing those things was bad , that would mean we'd have to be vulnerable , you know , and the reality is the opposite is true .

And so what I think is important in what I try to address by answering the power of asking for help is that it's okay In fact , it's more than okay for you as a man to ask somebody for help .

It's a really a way of you know , trying to put you down without putting you down , type of thing . You know

.

So I went through a period of time where I was a stay at home dad and if you really wanted to punch me in the nose , you would ask me what I did for a living . Because I thought , right , I was raised okay , well , dad needs to be the breadwinner and take care of the family and all that stuff . That was actually a flip in my house .

My wife was out doing it . She had a very successful career and at one point we just decided , hey , mike , figure out what you wanted to say , home with the kids . But that's what I was doing .

But that was not the image I had of myself and I internalized that and really went through a lot of pain during that period Because you know , my I wasn't , I didn't have my identity right , I'd lost my identity . Now at that point , I'd always been a Christian , I'd always been a believer , but I wasn't alive in my faith . I was coming alive in my faith .

The first thing I found out was that my identity is through God , not what I do for a living . So that was really an important epiphany for me to have in my life . And , unfortunately , a lot of us it's not just men , it's women too .

We go through life and we identify with big boats , big houses , big cars , a lot of money , and that's not what we need to be . That's not the first identifier that we need to have Right . First of all , you got to get right with God . That's your first identity . I identify , and then you can figure out the rest of your life after that .

And also , with what you know , what role has faith played in our lives ? You know , you know what does faith look like to . You know , overcome these obstacles of feeling left out or not doing what we supposed to be doing as men .

God's always there for us , and one of the things that happened to me in my life was I saw it as a very . I saw my relationship with God for most of my life is very hierarchical . In other words , and I think I just got this out of going to church , like you know , the priest is in the pulpit . I'm down here , you know God's up there , I'm down here .

I just need to ask for that , you know , for forgiveness , and everything's going to be all right . But what I missed was that what God really wanted with me was an intimate relationship , and I think a lot of us miss that .

I think a lot of us miss that that , that father-son relationship , and by father-son I mean father with a capital F , son with a capital S . You know that father-son relationship is available to everybody and God wants that . He wants that relationship .

And I got to say , once I realized it was available , a life of more of everything became more available , and so faith has driven .

Since I really started this whole quote unquote true man brand , the coaching , the podcasting and everything I'm doing , god has driven all of it and what I have found out is that he has me right where he wants me , and here's how I know that one . I didn't have any experience doing a podcast and I was encouraged to do it . You know .

Now we've done what is it ? I always forget the number . It's right around 120 episodes or so , and people keep contacting me to be a podcast . Why would that be ? Because God wants me to go out and spread his good work . He wants me to cycle for him and he's given me a message .

And you know , I often tell people you know , true man isn't mine , it came out of the Bible , it's God's . I'm the caretaker of that brand . In fact , my business coach , who's an actual minister as well , said to me not only are you the primary caretaker , you're introducing people to the 21st century Jesus .

Now , that's a big shoes to fill , but it's really important in a world that , quite honestly , in a lot of days , five , maybe years or so bold , feels like it's gone to hell .

God tells us in his scripture that my sheep knows my voice .

You know , faith has to lead the way in everything . That's your rescue plan . That's your rescue plan If you're going to have a life of more .

The US Surgeon General recently declared loneliness a public health epidemic . Let me repeat that the Surgeon General just declared loneliness a public health epidemic . Now he's not referring to just men either . He's referring to men and women . But let me continue here .

Dr Vivek Murthy hope I pronounced his name right said we must prioritize building social connections the same way we have prioritized other critical public health issues such as tobacco , obesity and substance disorders . That's a pretty strong quote . But men are exceptionally good . I don't mean that in a positive way .

They're exceptionally good in living isolated lives and when we do , we do really stupid stuff . And you know , one of the challenges that's gone on that is on top of what the Surgeon General's talking about is middle-aged men in the United States take their lives at the highest percentage of any age bracket in the entire country .

Now women try more often , men choose more lethal means Nobody really knows why . I'm not even going to attempt to answer that question , but what I will say is I do believe loneliness and isolation are part of the root cause of that , and it all comes down to relationships .

And I think a lot of people give up because their relationships are either have gone bad or they're not existent and they just think they ran out of options . And it saddens me to think about that because you know it's horrible to think that somebody would take their life because they feel so isolated .

If you look at Genesis 1 , 26 , when he says go into the world and multiply , be fruitful planets . To do , you know , it doesn't does not necessarily mean go out into the world and have more children to come into the world . Well , he said that fruitful and multiply that means in every aspect of your life .

That means you have to be with somebody , whether there's , you know , friendship with another male , friendship with a female , yeah , or whatever it says . Look , go out there and so do the world and be fruitful and multiplying every areas of your life .

We are built for that , we're not built for isolation . And so if you use what I consider one of the craziest social experiments of all time , right was COVID . You know in my men's group what we would commonly talk about before common COVID happened was don't wear a mask . Now we were referring to that as be real , be authentic , don't be a fake .

You know that old crazy saying , don't fake it till you make it is really a bunch of garbage . But you know , don't wear a mask , be real and all and be in community . Where's your wingman , you know who's in your foxhole ? All these little sayings that we would have .

And then , all of a sudden , covid happened and we were told to go isolate , we would hold the wear a mask , and I understand that that was for health reasons . But just hearing that over and over and over again , I got to say our little men's Small group , our heads were spinning off because we were trying to figure out what's going on here .

Why does what we were hearing sound counter to what we've been talking about ? And so you know it it's um , oh , man , it's . We are built as human beings to be in community .

It's one of the reasons why mobile phones are so evil . You know , I was at a car dealership the other day getting my daughter car service before we went off to school and and I was sitting in the waiting room and phones were going off . People were talking on their phones , people were texting on their phones and nobody was talking to each other .

And I thought , wow , you know , when I grew up and my parents were sitting in the stands at a baseball game , I Could look out . If I was playing in the outfield , I , I could look out there . I could see all the parents in the stands talking to each other . Mm-hmm that .

And now , if you were to go to a baseball game , you would see every parent with their head down staring at their mobile phone . We are not built for this as human beings .

It's messing us up and it's really causing a Lot of mental health issues and it's also showing up in our children , who are committing suicide at a pretty high rate these days as well , why they're confused . Why wouldn't they be ? Half these kids have never grown up with anything other than a mobile phone in their hand .

You see kids , you know they sit at the dinner table and the first thing they want to do is grab a phone .

The time that you have with your family , a time of peace and laughter and talking while you're eating , is supposed to be at the dinner table , but you have kids that sit in their phones texting each other at the dinner table and they write across from each other .

But I mean , you know , I grew up in the Midwest and of course the joke there was , you know it was meat , potato , vegetable , but we were all sitting at the dinner table at six o'clock , no television on , and if that phone rang , I tell you what my dad was the first one to jump up at seven and say don't you answer that ?

And so you know the dinner time was dinner time and you know it's . The nuclear family here in the United States is being destroyed . And then you know there are a lot of reasons for that and it really starts with also the decline of people going to church .

If you look at Barnum , who does a lot of statistics in the Christian community , the statistics that they're coming back with in terms of the number of people that are being churched and going to church , it's not good , you know .

And instead people have traded that in to go into travel , baseball games , travel , volleyball games , travel , cheerleading days , travel that and I'm not calling out anybody . You know I'm guilty as charged . I , you know , sometimes , you know , run around too , but you know there didn't used to be so many options back in the day .

In fact , everything was closed on Sunday . It didn't matter , you didn't have any place to go . So you went and saw family . You know , now all the stores are open , you can get gas , you can go . It's the options are available for people and , seems to me , everybody's taken advantage of it .

But you know , the family unit starts with having a relationship with God and doing things together and we got to get back to that , miss Country .

You know , we all go through stuff from time to time and that's called life , and sometimes those challenges are confusing and it's important that you ask for help and find somebody to talk with about what you're going through , so you can gain clarity and have discernment .

You know , through whatever it is that you're going through , and then reset your goals so you can achieve . So that's the final thing I would say , and if you need help with that , is it okay to give my website out and stuff like that ?

You know , if we can help , you know , walk you through , some of the challenges that you're having certainly reach out to me . So I'll leave it with that and I'll end it with prayer . So , lord God , thank you for this time together to talk about really the love that you have for us .

And , lord , we just pray that this podcast will fall into the hands of men and women that are searching and that need to hear this message , lord God , that need to know that intimacy and love is available for them . It need to know that somebody is here to help them in their challenges that they're having in their life , lord God .

So we just pray for this podcast and that you will continue to grow it and that you will continue to help place this in the hands of the people that need it the most . Lord God , we pray this in your heavenly name , amen .

You're a powerful speaker and we certainly appreciate your presence , and so we say to our diamonds make sure y'all come on back , keep on coming back . Tell other people about the podcast , tell people about his podcast . You know , same sound serving the same God . So let's just keep on working together to help those who don't know Amen .

And so now Michael's going to give the final word for the day .