#126 S4 EP 36:Is My Marriage Failing: Pastor Kelly DuPee’s Guide to Lifelong Love

We have a special guest with us who's going to join me and I would say co-host with me as we speak , what it is that the Lord would have us to do . So his name is Kelly DuPay . He is also a pastor and a man of God and an author and all kinds of good stuff . So , kelly , if you would do me a really quick favor , say hello before we pray , please .

Thank you , god , for allowing us this time and this opportunity , god , to get into , I would say , your word , god , Through a man and a woman who is here just simply because you called us to it , and we just pray for every heart , every diamond that is here , that , uh , we would be able to provide what it is that you want to give them and give us .

God , we pray that you just have your way , have your to touch Kelly , his family , his ministry , continue to build , continue to restore what has been lost to so many . God , we just pray , god , that you would just have your way . Father , we love you so much . I'm so very grateful and so thankful .

We pray to this prayer and all of our prayers are pleasing in your sight . We pray this prayer in Jesus Christ's name . We do pray , amen , amen , your sight . We pray this prayer in jesus christ's name we do pray , amen , amen and amen , amen , hallelujah , all right y'all .

So today we are going to be talking about marriage and the warning signs that your marriage just might need some help , and so ke Kelly is going to tell us just a little bit about itself first , before he gets into these 10 warning signs that the Lord has dropped inside of his spirit .

So , kelly , please tell our audience , our diamonds , who you are and you know how you've gotten to be who you are and where you are .

And I just started writing it down and I was just amazed at how it flowed . And out of that God really put into my heart a passion to help couples .

So before that all could happen , my own marriage got tested and my wife and I went through a really difficult patch and we worked through it and then out of that came the book that I wrote called Turn it Up how to have the Lifelong Marriage that you Really Want , and then also a marriage coaching ministry .

So for the last three years I've been having conversations with couples and I call it coaching , not counseling , because I don't do therapy . I'm not . I'm not a counselor per se . What I am is a coach .

Just marriage and that have worked for me and then help them to learn them and then also apply them so that they can be happily married , have successful marriages .

And these 10 warning signs that I'm going to share with you today have all come out of not only just my own reflections in my own life and when my marriage was in trouble , but from the conversations I've had with these coaching couples , because it's just , it's incredibly scary when a couple comes and they've got a bunch of these going on .

But then you know what , as we pray , as I teach them some skills , as we let the Holy Spirit work in their life , it is amazing how God turns it around and their marriages are restored . So I'm very excited to share this with you today .

Her name is Barbara Calveria , I think , but she has been married for like 50 years and she was given some advice on how to make your marriage last , so I believe that this will definitely coincide well with her um interview when we do air her . So , um , kelly , what's the first sign ?

And if you take the bait and then start arguing about it , no , it is blue . Look over there and you know I mean whatever . And it devolves quickly into an argument . And if a conversation , if you're not really talking with each other but you're arguing all the time , that is a warning sign .

And I think personally that people are jumping in marriage not really realizing what it means . And you know it's , it really is an intentional thing . And God says that he'll be the third cord in your marriage if you let him be . And so you know this is so , so , very important for the survival of your marriage , because it will be tested and attacked .

And let me tell you , just like it says you know that words wound , words create things , and words , when they're spoken in anger , damage not only your marriage but they damage your spouse's heart , and God can heal that and heal this marriage .

But we've got to learn that when you're expressing your anger in a hurtful way and often it's because you've been hurt that's what I see as well You've been hurt , so now you feel like hurting and you do that and what happens ? It's just going downhill quickly and once again it can be helped and this can turn around .

But when you see that there's a lot of anger in a marriage , that is a warning sign that you need some help . Yeah , yeah , all right , I'm writing these down as you're talking , so go on ahead , you just go right on ahead , all right , number three , number three you talk a lot , but you don't really listen to each other . How about that one ?

Yeah , so we talk , but I don't feel like he understands me . I don't feel like she understands me . And I hear this you know , we seem to be . We're not on the same page , we're not agreeing about anything . We're going in two different directions . Well , are you communicating ? Yeah , but it doesn't seem to help because we're not really listening to each other .

And that's one of the skills that I teach couples is to learn how to listen , but not just to listen to understand each other . And when they start doing that , boy , this can turn around . But that is a huge warning sign .

The other problem I see is that we're not really thinking about what they're saying . We're thinking about what we're going to say when they stop talking . That is so true , Anyways if we can learn how to really listen and then listen to the Holy Spirit as the Lord is , as that person is sharing . That turns everything around .

I find that sometimes , depending on how long the couple has been married , it's a matter of priorities that they initially , we all start out prioritizing our marriage , but then other things get in the way , and the three things that get in the way is our work , or jobs , if you can put it that way . Your job , how about this ? Your kids and your hobbies .

Now obviously you got to go to work . You got to love your kids I'm not telling you not to and you got to have it's okay to have a hobby , but are those three things more important than that person you pledged your life to when you got married . If they are , that means that your marriage is life to when you got married .

If they are , that means that your marriage is probably going to experience some struggles . Why ? Because next to your relationship with God , god should be the relationship you have with your husband or wife . That's the way God designed it . That's how this is supposed to work . And when we put God first and then we love our spouse , then God blesses our families .

And you do have a great relationship with your kids , but you also have been a great relationship with your spouse . So when you feel disconnected , you know . It just seems like we're not . We're not , you know , connected to each other anymore .

It's because I feel like he takes more priority in regards to fishing than it is for me , so I can relate exactly what you're talking about . But when that happens I have to kind of . Especially early in our marriage we had that struggle , but I had to relate that to him . I had to make sure that he understood what I was feeling , you know .

It's out of balance . That's where the problems start coming in . So it's getting it in proper perspective . You know , and having a conversation , hey , what would be a good frequency , what would work for you ?

And you're like , well , maybe you know every couple of months , or you know on vacation , or maybe every week , but you know , just go in the morning and come home by 10 and 10 so that we got the rest of the day together and then don't go up into the den and try to take a nap .

And agreement , you know , is challenging sometimes and it's all part of listening and understanding and problem solving together , but you come to that place of agreement . I mean , even Jesus said were any two of you agree on earth , it will be done by my Father in heaven . So agreement is that place of power and authority and blessing .

But when you're going two different directions , when you're constantly arguing and there's lots of anger , you're not really listening to each other . The other thing that happens is that you never seem to agree about anything . That is a huge one , yeah .

I mean , you could get together with another couple in your church and agree to watch their kids , so that they would watch your kids , I mean there's . And then who needs money to go out on a date , go for a walk , go to Starbucks . And I challenged some couples that I was working with .

I said I want you to go out on a date , go for a walk , go to Starbucks . And I challenged some couples that I was working with . I said I want you to go out on a date this week , but don't spend more than $10 . And they're like that's impossible .

So this one couple came back and they said they went to Starbucks , but they couldn't afford two of the drinks that they like , so they got one big one and split it .

Because they're avoiding the conversations and the painful , you know , the arguing and the fighting that they know they're going to experience when they get home . I work as a police chaplain , not work , I volunteer as a police chaplain .

And you know , you'll see these guys that are doing these overtime shifts like crazy and I'm like , well , a little of that ain't bad , but All the time , hey , it's just a symptom , maybe they're trying to avoid something . So anyway , it happens , it happens to everybody , I'm sure it happens .

And , yes , we are tempted by our fleshly lust . The Bible says but the way God designed sex is to unite a couple in the context of marriage . Outside of marriage , absolutely it is not appropriate . Song of Solomon says don't awaken love until the right time , or don't awaken desires , actually , the way it says , until the right time .

But when you're married , the right time , it is the right time , I should say . But yet we get so busy or all of this other stuff comes in , and having intimacy with your husband or your wife tends to fade . And it's one of the first signs , by the way , that I've noticed .

Yeah , you know , because I'll ask , I'll be like well , when's the last time you went on a date ? Well , and then I know the answer to this question , because if that one is , you know not , it's been a long time . Well , well , when's the last time you went on a date ?

Well , and then I know the answer to this question , because if that one is , you know not , it's been a long time . Well , how about when's the last time you were intimate with each other ? And then they're real quiet because they don't want to admit it Sometimes . I mean , when a marriage is in trouble , it is one of the first things to

go . So if that's where you're at , this is a huge warning sign , and basically a warning sign is a call to action . It's not to condemn you , it's not to to make you feel like a failure , but it's like the red light that goes on on your dashboard .

Almost to me , I feel like when people lack intimacy in their relationship with the Holy Spirit , this is when they fall into darkness .

That's right , that's right . All right , number nine All right , two more . Your marriage is more focused on the kids than on each other . So we've talked about this . We were talking about priorities a moment ago , but it really is worth mentioning it . Just think about . What do you talk about when you and your wife are together ?

You and your husband are together . If it's always about the kids , you know , is that the only thing that keeps the two of you together , and that's not a bad reason . But let me give you a stat that I was shocked to learn One of the times when marriages , one of the most common times , I'm sorry , when marriages break up , is after year 30 .

Think about it 30 years of being married and then they go their separate ways . And it's like why ? It's because everything was all about the kids . And now , 30 years later , the kids are gone . They're looking at each other and they're like well , who are you ? I don't want to be in this house with you . So , okay , let's call the lawyer .

I mean , it's incredible and it could be so much different . Why ? Because God wants your marriage to be a testimony as we seek him and as we love each other . It is a symbol to this , with a testimony to this world of God's love for us .

We are called the bride of Christ , which is brings up that whole marriage imagery in the context of our relationship with Jesus . So God wants your marriage to succeed . You don't have to walk away . But if it's been about the kids , well , figure out a way to get it to be about you guys again , and you can do that .

All right , number 10 , the last one , you ready .

If you could figure it out on your own , we would have already . That's right . So get some help . Maybe it's your pastor , maybe it's a marriage coach , like me . You know , I'll give everybody who's listening here a free session . Just you know , give me a call or shoot me an email , or however you want to do it . I'll give you my website in a minute .

Okay , but get some help . Invite someone else to come in and help you turn this around . Maybe it's a therapist or you know a counselor or something you know along those lines . But there's lots of places out there where help is available and let me tell you the help will help .

He wants it not just for the sake of your kids , but for your sake and your heart , because he loves you and he cares about you . And do not take these warning signs , as I said earlier , as a word of condemnation , but simply as that light on the dashboard of your car . Something's not right . Maybe I need to do something about it . That's right .

The lord spoke to my heart to do that a while back and I'm just giving away as many copies of this as I can , and so , yeah , so can I give them the website .

And if you take just the first part of that turnitupcoach , you know , put in the www , that kind of thing , but then you put in that part , then you could also go to my website and see more about my ministry and the coaching I do . And there's a place in there for a free call , free discovery call , I think it's called .

You know , click that and you know , set up something with me and if I can't help you , I'll help you find somebody who can .

Okay , you know , read a little bit about it and then , um , uh , that'll get you on my mailing list as well , my email list . I promise I won't spam you , but I send out a .

The Lord gives me a message , a marriage message , every week , and I email it out to everybody , so you'll start getting those marriage tips , and then , yeah , you'll be able to stay connected with me and get the free call when you're ready for it . But please don't wait . This will not get better on its own If your marriage is struggling .

It will , I guarantee you . I don't like to give guarantees , but this is one I can't get unless you do something and bring in something from the outside , so that could be a book or a podcast . Most often , though , it's a conversation with somebody skilled that would be able to get you back on track .

That's what's going to help you turn this around , so I'm here for you if you want my help .

You know what I mean , so I appreciate you , oh absolutely

Well .

You want this to be a ramel word that's just going to penetrate their heart and because , lord , we know your will , your heart for your children , that you love them and you want them , if they are married , to have a successful marriage , and I just pray , god , that they would listen to your voice through what I've said here today , what we talked about today ,

and , god , that you would spur them to action .

We come against the enemy who wants to steal , kill and destroy , and we break that power and just believe , god , that you're going to just produce , lord , your fruit in each person's heart , lord , in accordance with this message , god , that if they're in trouble , they're going to reach out , they're going to get some help and , god , things are going to turn

around and we're going to give you all the glory . We are just your servants doing your work and we thank you , lord , for what you're going to do in each one of the hearts of the people that hear this message today and , lord , if their marriage is doing well , god , I pray that you would help them get it stronger .

Lord , I pray that they would grow closer to you and closer to each other . And , lord , that they would be a light in the darkness in this world that says that marriage is not important , that God doesn't exist and certainly that God doesn't have a plan for your life .

Let us be the light in the darkness , lord , to this needy world , showing them that you really do have a plan and that you want to bless us and use us to be a blessing . So thank you , lord , for this time in In Jesus' name , amen .