¶ Understanding Boundaries and Codependency
Hello and hello . Welcome back , god's Diamonds in the Rough . We are so glad to be back with you one more time . We hope today has been a good day for you . Amen , we hope that you've had a good week for that matter . Yes , if you're watching visually , watching on YouTube or whatever have you , you'll see our guest for today . Her name is Stephanie Jordan .
Amen , we are so excited for her to be here . Yeah , so why don't you go ahead and say hello and then we'll get into a word of prayer ?
All right , so glad to be here . Good to see you guys . Glad you are here . Blessings in the name of Jesus . Yes .
Amen , all right , stephanie , you want to open this up with prayer Sure I would love to do that . Okay .
Lord , thank you for bringing us together at this time . Thank you for loving us so intimately . And , god , I just pray that you will bless this time together . I pray that you will use our voices to make impact . Lord , you promise that your word always reaps benefits . It never comes back void .
So we just trust you , lord , that you will plant the seeds that need to be planted today . In the name of Jesus , amen .
Amen , amen , amen . So , everybody , today we are going to be talking about boundaries . Michael is out this week , and so you have myself and I want to call her my co-host more than a guest . Amen , and we're going to be again talking about boundaries . This young lady is an author and I'm sure that she has some stories that she could share with us .
Uh , but , stephanie , I want to ask you to just share us a little . Share with us a little bit about who you are and why you , how you've gotten where you are .
Yeah , okay . So I grew up in a Christian home , but as I got older , into my teen years , I always loved the Lord , but I thought that I could do it better . Like that . I got it , you know , and it was like I love the Lord , but I want to do it my way Right . And so I came into adulthood just dumb as dirt and I had no boundaries Right .
I didn't know what codependency was . I didn't know how boundaries worked I'd never even really heard that word before and I made a mess of my life . And Proverbs says a foolish man will have a fill of himself . And , buddy , did I get a fill of myself ?
And so in my mid twenties the Lord just began to work in me and heal my heart and set me on a different path . And so really for the last 20 years of my life , I've been on a journey to understand and learn boundaries and how they work , and it's made a huge impact in my life over time .
Hey man , isn't it something how we just stop and listen ? If we stop for a minute and just listen to God , he won't steer us wrong . Amen . For those of you that are listening , this young lady , she's a beautiful young lady . She's got rainbow hair .
I love it . I just want to tell you .
I love your hair . It's so pretty , but anyway , but anyway , and that says that says a lot about our uniqueness . You know what I mean . We can be different , it's okay . We don't all have to look alike because we're Christians . Yeah , we all ought to have the same message , though , now isn't it ?
We all have the same message , so yeah tell us , just go a little bit further in , and why it is important for us to have boundaries .
So while I was kind of , you know , driving the boat myself because I thought I had a clue or two , I ended up marrying an alcoholic when I was 21 . And I didn't realize that alcoholism was a thing that was so disconnected . My parents were teetotalers so I was never around alcohol growing up .
They never had friends that drank , so I just did not have a clue about what any of that was .
And um , when , uh , he ended up beating me up when I was pregnant with my oldest child and I left and I told God I said , look , I will stay married to this man for the next 40 years of my life , if that's what you want , but please deliver me from this marriage , if you will .
And it took about two years for him to deliver me from that marriage , but he ended up delivering me . And then he called me into my marriage with my next husband and he was a recovering addict and had a relapse about a year and a half into our marriage . And I was so angry . I was like God , why did you do that ? Why did you do this to me ? Right ?
But that was when I started learning about myself . That was when I started learning about my codependency and how I play into the cycle of unwellness , and , and so what seemed like it was there to destroy us really was a healing moment . It just didn't much feel like a healing moment . It just didn't much feel like a healing moment .
Right , right , I get it yeah .
And so that was when I first learned about codependency , and until you can recognize that you need boundaries , you'll never seek them .
Right , absolutely , yeah . And that that boundary kind of equate equates really to that Um , if you don't have respect for yourself , how can anybody else have respect for you ? Um , or you know , if , if , if , you , I , I , I'm a believer that people only do as much as you let them do . And you know , if you demand respect , you'll get it .
If you demand love , you'll get it . You know what I mean . And so , codependency , can you kind of further elaborate exactly what that means , codependency ? So our listeners , our diamonds , have a , you know , they have a good picture in their mind , mentally , of what that looks like to be able to kind of self-diagnose themselves .
So codependency is when your emotions and feelings are resting on somebody else's behaviors , actions , feelings . So , for example , like when you're married , it's like how do you separate yourself ? How do you remain autonomous in a marriage ? Right , you're supposed to be one ? Well , the oneness only can operate when both parties are healthy .
So if you are in a marriage with an addict , you naturally , even without wanting to , by default , become cod codependent , because until you learn how to separate yourself from those actions and behaviors , they will affect you . So , for example , like if your husband has a bad day and it makes you have a bad day , that's codependent behavior .
If you your wife , you know is shoplifting and you're covering for her like that's codependent behavior . If your child is staying in trouble and you don't let them face the natural consequences that come with with trouble , that's codependent behavior .
So , basically , codependent behavior is you can either be a controlling codependent , where you think if you have control over everything , then nothing's going to go bad , or you can be an enabling codependent , where you just keep giving them money , keep giving them access , keep bailing them out of situations , and so those are , and you can kind of be a hybrid of
the two as well , but those are the predominant parts of codependency .
Yeah , because so many times you know , we think that we understand , Well , I know what that means , but a whole lot of times we don't . You know , just the same as the Bible . We see what we would commonly associate , you know , with the earthly meaning , and it's really not that .
And so I think it's always important for us to understand the identity of anything , and so I think it's a power . Again , I say I think it's a powerful thing
¶ Establishing Healthy Boundaries in Relationships
to have boundaries . So what kind of boundaries did you have to set for yourself ? As an example ? You know , in your marriage or whatever , have you dealing with those kind of traumas ?
So , of course , when his addiction was active , I had to get really really firm , hard boundaries . So the beauty is that I always equate boundaries with like a fence around your backyard . Nobody sees somebody putting a fence around their backyard and go . Well , they are so rude . I cannot believe they're building a fence . Right , right , right , it's expected .
That's like your private space , it's expected to . That's like your private space , it's expected to have boundaries right and so , yeah , and so like the firmer the violation , the firmer your fence right . Like you may have to put some razor wire on top of that fence if people keep trying to push over it .
So , like when my late husband was in his relapse , you know , I had to kick him out at one point . Then he stole some money from us and then I ended up having to lock him out at one point . Then he stole some money from us and then I ended up having to lock him out completely .
He could not see the children or me outside of , like a public restaurant , um , and it had to get really really hard and really firm until he went to rehab , um , but then , like when our relationship was in better shape , it could be something like um , you know way more simple .
Like , hey , we need to have a date night regularly so that we're spending time together . Like that's a boundary right that's setting protection and limits around your relationship . A boundary right that's setting protection and limits around your relationship .
So you know , like hey , we need to make sure that we are talking about some some deeper , more complicated topics in our marriage , like finances and future goals , and we need to set time aside to do that . So we're going to do that once a month on this day .
You know , those are , those are boundaries and so like we would do those sort of things when we were in a healthier situation , but then , of course , when there was chaos , the boundaries look very different .
Right , so you have five kids .
I have five kids . So what kind of boundaries have you had to set ? Have five kids , I have five kids .
So what kind of boundaries have you had to set for your kids ? Do you set boundaries in regard to your children ?
Oh yeah , girl . So my oldest son , he can be a little bit of a jerk face . He's got some attitude and he can be very disrespectful . And he's got some attitude and he can be very disrespectful .
And so just this last week he was being very different , disrespectful , and so I blocked him from being able to message me or call me for 48 hours , and so that is a boundary that if he is talking to me poorly , then for 48 hours he doesn't get access to me at all . He's 22 years old , he's a grown man , like , we're not talking about 12 .
Right .
Right , right , we're not talking . We're talking about adult here , right ? Um ? But like with my nine year old , she has a boundary for bedtime .
Okay .
You know , and if she doesn't honor me , then she'll have consequences , because her bedtime is nine o'clock or 930 . And and then , like with my 16-year-old he , he has , like he's been grounded from his phone because his grades weren't up to par , and I mean sometimes for months .
He's lost that for four months because I'm like your job , I pay for your phone and your job is to pass school .
Right .
And if you're not going to honor your part , then you don't get the fruit of the labor , of having , of my labor by having your phone .
That's powerful . That is so , so powerful .
And that's when they crack you up . Thank you , this one may crack you up , but summer vacations , those are my vacations . That that I gift them to join , that I gift them to join .
So if they have poor attitudes , if they are grumpy , if for any reason they try and ruin my vacation , then I will not take them on another vacation with me and they know that that will actually happen .
Wow , oh man Woo . But I bet you , I bet that they have a great respect for you because of your boundaries .
Yeah , they do . They're great kids and we , I feel like we have good relationships . Of course , they love me and hate me at times , you know , um , but we have a lot of conversations , we talk about a lot of stuff and they understand .
I feel like I'm training them to understand that the value of effort and energy that you put into a relationship and I think a lot of times that is , we use the word toxic so much in our culture . I don't really think people are toxic . I think people lack boundaries and that becomes toxic . I call it the space of grace .
So you need this space of grace between where you end and someone else begins , and if you don't have that space of grace , then you start running into each other and it creates friction and chaos . And so when we aren't practicing healthy boundaries in our relationships , we get a lot of friction and a lot of chaos .
That isn't necessarily beneficial or even has to be there .
That's a good one . Uh , you know , I never heard it like that . That is , that's a powerful way to look at it , you know , because toxicity has such a negative continence about it that just seems more godlike that . What would you call itlike ? What did you call it again ? Thank you , what did you call it ? Call it and say it again the space of grace .
The space of grace . I like it .
The space of grace .
See , I got to write that down , the space of grace . Okay , not to really change directions , but I like that a lot . Tell us about your book . You have a book , correct ?
and faith practice boundaries in that book and I share more about my story and I talk a lot about Job in there because I feel like Job got you know . Basically the premise is that boundaries are . God set boundaries in place and as image bearers , it is important for us to also set boundaries . So God set boundaries in creation .
He also set boundaries in relationship . He says you cannot have a relationship with Jesus Christ unless you repent , which is to turn from your behaviors . So we cannot just do whatever we want and be in relationship with Jesus . So in the same way , people can't just do whatever they want and be in relationship with us .
And and the one of the most misquoted scriptures that I get so frustrated is is that you know you have to forgive 70 times seven , but they leave out what it says all before that there is a standard by which you forgive 70 times seven and that is when people are healthy .
That means like I brought something to your attention and you recognize that it hurt me and you stop that behavior and then we can be in a good relationship . But if you do not stop that behavior , jesus gives you the ability to say this isn't good for me , because how can he hold boundaries if we're not allowed to hold boundaries ?
hold boundaries if we're not allowed to hold boundaries , and so so I discuss all that in in my book . Yeah , I think you got some . I think you got some . You is on to something that just makes perfect sense . Oh man , wow , oh man . Okay , you talked about the second book , the . You talked about the second book , the first book .
What about the second book ?
So my second book is called the Death Tsunami and it's about my unexpected journey into widowhood and what I learned about life and death going through the widowhood journey .
Okay , and how can we get your books ?
Hood journey . Okay , and how can we get your books ? You can find me on Amazon and I know Believing in Boundaries is on BAM and Barnes and Noble . I don't know if the Death Tsunami has made it there yet , because I just launched it at the end of October , but you can find me on Amazon .
Okay , did you have anything else you wanted to share with the listeners ? Without diamonds ? No .
I'm going to say , diamonds , take your time to learn boundaries . It's not going to be an overnight like I just got this all together . This is a journey , so all it takes is that first step , first no . It can be your very first no , somebody you've never said no to and you just say no .
If it's taking your time , your energy or your resources and you don't have them to give , say no , hold that line and begin to watch your life change . You can build a good , strong , healthy life for yourself , but it's going to require you to set some limits around who has access .
Build your fence and build it well now y'all heard it said I know that's right , that was so good . I so appreciate you being here . I mean , so that was , I mean god . Oh , I feel the presence of the lord .
That was powerful because so many times we are operating in anger and frustration , but it's simply because we haven't set up , we haven't made people aware of what has confused us , what has crossed us wrong , what has frustrated us or whatever .
Have you and like we , it's almost as if sometimes we walk like we are being forced to walk , versus walking because we want to walk does that make ? Sense , yeah , and I , you know , I myself , I was just yes , my second and last marriage .
I just feel like I had to set so many boundaries in the beginning and I still do now um that I didn't set in that first marriage and I believe that that's why I fell apart . You know what I mean because there was no boundaries . He thought he could do whatever . Oh , absolutely yeah and so that encourages anybody that's anybody boundaries are okay .
You know what I mean it Boundaries is like it's a rule that says , okay , don't cross this line .
Yeah , don't cross this line , because if you cross this line , this is what's going to happen .
Yeah , and you want to add something else ? I can see it on you . You want to add something else to that ?
Yeah , I mean . So . One of the examples I give in my book is like when water crosses its boundary , right Like we see the destruction that it creates and we respect physical boundaries so much you know , overlook it and act like it's not a big deal , but yet the Bible does not say that you need to .
You know , focus on protecting your yard or your house near as much , but it says guard your heart . And so we . You know that that understanding of like you matter , you matter and how people treat you matters , but you're the only one that can choose how that happens .
Come on , you better talk , all right y'all . Father , we thank you so much for your grace . We thank you , god , for your mercy . Thank you , god , for this woman of God . Thank you , god , for every ear , every heart , every mind that is here .
God , we thank you so much for this word , this powerful word , god , that you gave us to drop down into our spirits . God , have your way , continue to use us , continue to get your glory out of us . God , we bless your name . We bless every person that is here . We thank you , god . Thank you , God . We pray that you will continue to touch her ministry .
Continue to touch her heart , god . We pray that you will continue to touch her ministry . Continue to touch her heart , God . Continue to make her transparent , so much so that she's heard . God , not only heard , but is able to connect with people . God , we thank you so much and we bless your name . Bless your people . In Jesus Christ's name .
We do pray , Amen , amen . Oh man , that was good and I so appreciate you being here . We definitely want to have you back another time to talk more about boundaries , because that is such a necessary conversation . This was a quick , like overshadow youshadow , but we need depth . People need a clearer understanding of that . It's okay to set boundaries , absolutely so .
Again , I say I thank you , amen .
¶ Building Boundaries and Support Networks
You have a final word thank you for having me yes , ma'am , you're certainly welcome yes , just I would love to come back and hang out and talk boundaries with you more . Thank you for having me . Yes , ma'am , you're certainly welcome . Yes , just I would love to come back and hang out and talk boundaries with you more .
Cause , you're right , it's just that's broad spectrum picture Right and we could get into some nitty gritty . Oh yeah , oh yeah , all right . Y'all y'all know what time it is , know that you are a diamond going through the rough , but you're still a diamond . We hope that you'll come back next week . We hope that you have a great week . Much love and prayer .
We'll see you , we'll listen to you . I mean , we'll be talking to you next week . Amen , amen and amen .