#112 S4 EP 22: Faith and Resilience in the Face of Domestic Violence: Lashaundra Barnes's Story

Her name is Lissandra Barnes , and today's topic is going to be all about domestic violence , a man so prevalent in our society today . It is happening all day . Every day , somebody is being hurt , being killed , and it's being called love . And so , before we get into this conversation , we are going to pray . Father , we thank you so much for this day .

Thank you , god , for allowing us to come together one more time , and I just pray , god , that everyone that is here is here on purpose . God , we just pray , lord , that you would speak in such a way that none of us can miss what it is that you're trying to say in this episode through this show . God , we pray for this young lady you have brought here .

God , that you'll continue to just touch in a mighty way . Father , we thank you so much and we bless your name and we bless your people In Jesus Christ's name , we do pray . Amen , amen and amen . Now , without further ado , we're going to ask Ms LaShonda to introduce herself and tell us a little bit about who she is . Amen .

One of the memories I have of my parents and their relationship is they would argue a lot all the time , and so I remember them getting divorced around middle school .

For me , and I also never will forget that I was actually happy when they got divorced because for me it was like the peace that came , the fighting stopped , the discord amongst family members stopped . So I know it sounds bad , but even as a kid I understood what peace looked like and it was so peaceful after that that I was happy that they separated .

So I , yeah , I remember , I want to say , meeting my first boyfriend in high school .

I was about a junior , 16 , 17 , 17 years old , and he was very kind , very polite , very respectful , and I met him , I want to say , at the beginning of the school year and he moved away to another state and so I did not have a closure from that , and this is the guy that did actually also end up being the father of all three of my children and my

now former abuser . I met him in high school when I was a junior .

He didn't say he loved me until because we were eventually we reconnected when I was in college , my junior year of college , and we were in a long distance relationship . But yeah , and I loved him , I felt like I was trying to recreate what I found in him and hold on to that person that I had met when I was in high school .

Even over the years and until we got back together , I just did not have closure from that situation .

You know so . Yet I didn't . I didn't have closure , I needed to finish what we started and it was very hard for me to move on after that .

I'm asking all of these questions in this way because a lot of us , or a lot of people , don't recognize the signs of being broken , maybe not really loving yourself first , not really understanding who you are , because a lot of these situations or domestic violence happens and it's like to the victim , it seems sudden .

You know what I mean , but for everybody else that's watching and listening , we can see the signs and we're wondering well , how didn't you see it ? And so you know when you're actually like here , we have been blessed to have somebody who survived it . I'm asking these questions to maybe put some signals around you that may have . How did it start , lashonda ?

How exactly did the abuse start ?

I was like , no , I know you , you know that person I met in high school , I , I'm struggling with these things . I was like , no , I know you , that person I met in high school .

I was in denial about it and so it started mostly being mental and emotional abuse , which is why I didn't even realize I was going through abuse when I was going through it , because the whole majority of the time it was not physical at all , it was mental , it was emotional , it was manipulation , it was control , walking on eggshells , destruction , him destroying

my property constantly , or withholding my property , my phone , the car keys , things like that and then kind of spending my money before I could spend it when I got my paycheck , stuff like that . You know , spending my money before I could spend it when I got my paycheck , like stuff like that . There are so many different types of abuse .

But I didn't realize it until one day my pastor's wife she kind of listened to him , like kind of communicate with me and she was like that's verbal abuse , you know , whatever . I don't remember what he was saying , but she was like that's verbal abuse and a light bulb kind of went off .

And over the years I kind of got more knowledge and education on the different forms of abuse . There's the mental , there's emotional , financial , spiritual and a lot of them I was experiencing the whole time and I didn't even realize it wasn't physical until the very end , and that's right before I left .

This young lady , 19 years old , just graduated and a boyfriend killed her . He shot her to death . I don't know the situation , but this is happening more and more and more , where relationships have become fatal . And you know what God brings together , he'll keep together .

And Ms Barnes and I , we both want to say to you that you know , if it's falling apart , let it fall . You know what I mean . If , if , if you feel it , you can feel , because we know we have this type of consciousness that says you , I need to get out of this , I need to get away .

You know , when we see danger , if we see something hot on the stove or something's on fire , you don't go to it , you go away from it . You know what I mean . So when you find yourself in a relationship where you're being verbally , physically , mentally abused , it's time to get out . Do you have a word ?

When you watch it you're like okay , why did they do that ? Why did they go there ? Why are they not leaving ?

But for me , there were so many barriers that kept me in that situation , One of them being that and I'm not saying it's okay , but it's like when you're kind of in a certain mindset and or in fight or flight mode , like your decisions are completely different than normally . But for me , one of the things was my kids were very young .

They had to be like I want to say one , two and three at the time , and they were very young . I would have had to start over . And for me , my parents got divorced . I really didn't want to kind of be like them . I wanted to break the chain , break the cycles .

I was thinking about those things and I actually genuinely like really did care for him and love him . So that kept me in and I would say right . And I would say another thing was the oldest child is actually not biologically mine . Now , all three of the kids have the same father , but she has a different , like biological mother .

So in this situation I was thinking about keeping her out of child protective services because she could not go back with her biological mom . That's why she was with us in the first place and , of course , dad was not in the right mental state to care for her .

So I was left with feeling like , okay , I don't want her to go to foster care , I want to be able to help her , but I didn't really know how , and so that was keeping me in the situation as well . And later on I did end up legally adopting her . So I still have her , she's still living with me , but at the moment I had no legal rights .

So I was trying to protect her , but I didn't really know what to do .

It's not as easy as it sounds . Black and white , absolutely . But we can't . We can't cry over spilled milk . It's already spilled . You know . You find yourself in a situation where you are being abused mentally , physically and all of that . My question to you is how did you get out ? You got out . How did you get out ?

I was thinking how do people leave the house and do this and that without even praying ? I was always praying . I had a prayer life . So throughout that whole situation I have been praying to God . I have been reading the Bible . I have been asking him please , god , this isn't right to help . I knew it wasn't right .

I didn't know immediately that it was okay this is a form of abuse but I knew how I was being treated , the things that were happening . I knew it wasn't okay and I was just praying God , change me , make me a better wife , even though we weren't married . Make me a better person , help him .

I was praying the whole time and I know that God heard every prayer , saw every tear that I cried and he literally helped me to get out that situation . And it got to the point where I had to get order of protection against him .

He moves out , but I let him come back different things like that and it got to the point where it got so toxic and it turned to physical violence . It was like somebody's going to die . That's how bad it was and I had to make a choice . I had to choose God or him .

And I chose God because it got so bad where I thought either I was going to die or something bad was going to happen to my kid . It got so bad so I had to make a choice and I chose God and I ended up breaking my lease leaving . Can I go into details about the situation that happened specifically ? There's a couple situations that happened .

I remember one time we went on a drive and I think we were looking for an apartment in a different area from where we live at . It was about an hour away , it was about to get dark , we were in our van with our three kids and my phone was about to die and I kind of just really wanted to get close back to home .

So I don't know , for some reason , he had an attitude the whole ride and at the end of the ride I'm just like can we go home ? He's like , okay , whatever , just turn around .

So I turn around and he just like loses it . He's screaming , he's jumping up . What are you doing ? Where are you going ? What loses it ? He's screaming , he's jumping up what are you doing ? Where are you going ? He's screaming at me and I'm just asking him are you okay ? What's going on ?

And I know , during that ride I pull over to the side and he slaps me in the face . That's the first time he actually hit me . He slaps me across my face in front of the kids and I'm like what is the problem ? I'm turning around to go home . He's like just let me drive , just let me drive so I get out , which was a bad decision .

I get out , I get in the passenger seat . Yeah , I let him drive that whole ride , oh , my goodness . So I want to say he pulled over two or three times . We were arguing . I was like why would you do that At ? that moment I had lost all respect for him . It was towards the end and he was like because you wouldn't shut up .

And I want to say he pulled over two or three times and was like get out of the car , I'm going to fight you like a man . And yeah , he pulled over to the side of the road and said that at least two or three times and of course I did not get out .

I didn't want him to leave me , I didn't know where I was at with my kids in the car and so the whole ride he's driving crazy , erratically .

And then we reach , we're coming up to a red light and there's cars stopped up front ahead of us and he begins to accelerate , just broke down and started sob , crying , like I felt , like I didn't know what we were . I felt like we were going to die . I didn't know what was going to happen . Thank God he eventually stops and we try to go through .

We get home safely . Thank God we try and I'm trying to be quiet and hold my tongue just to keep him from , you know , setting them off and stuff like that so we can get back home and we get back home .

I go through the whole situation of hey , I was going to leave that night , but I was like , hey , you need to get anger management , you need to get counseling therapy , something . I'm not staying here . And I believe I did try to leave , but he would often barricade the kids in the room and say why are you doing this in front of them ? I'm the one .

That's's wrong , you know , but I wasn't leaving without the kids . So , um , I did stay that night . We go , you know , he gets on the waiting list for services , which are always super long , you know , and I ended up staying . But then , after that , um , I believe we went to the grocery store .

Um , one day and this is something that I just recently shared , and it's been , I want to say , since 2017 , when this happened , when I left him I didn't share this part of the story until last year , but I guess I was afraid to but I remember going to the grocery store with them and , for some reason , I had a lot of anxiety , I was very anxious and I

didn't want to be around anybody . I just wanted to go in with the kids and him , get what we needed , go back home , and then he's running around the grocery store laughing , screaming , acting silly in the store with the kids and I'm like , okay , can you just calm down ? He was drawing attention to us and I was very anxious , I didn't want attention .

Like I didn't want attention and um , for some reason I want to say when we get home . I questioned him about it Um , he's sitting on the couch . He asked me from like for like ibuprofen , um , some pills , and I go get them . And I'm like , why , why were you doing that ? I didn't feel well mentally , like I , emotionally , like I just didn't feel right .

Why wouldn't you just be quiet ? You know , so we can get in and out . And he was like me and the kids were having fun . Everyone was looking at you like you were crazy . And it's crazy because when I look back , when I was in the store , people were looking at me weird and I don't know it's just because maybe I didn't feel well .

It was reading on my face . I thought that when I was in the store and I never said anything about it . So when he said that when we got home , everybody was looking at you like you were crazy , I literally blacked out .

I took the pills , that the open bottle of pills , and I went to the kitchen , I threw them everywhere and like I still can't even fully remember , I think I feel like I was I know I was hysterically crying and I don't know if I was envisioning myself putting a bunch of pills in my mouth or if I was actually doing it Like I lost sense of reality in that

moment and I wanted to commit suicide and so , yeah , and so I want to definitely tell the listeners emotional , mental abuse and , mind you , that's what I had been experiencing majority of the time

. It's so deadly and toxic . It's just as bad as physical abuse , if not worse than it , because the scars are invisible , like they're crazy . You know what I mean ? Because everything looks good on the outside , but internally you're dying . It's like invisible chains that are keeping you there . You know what I mean .

So it's so important to pay attention to those red flags because it could it could lead you to wanting to commit suicide , because that's what happened to me , you know , and and not not really telling family what's going on , the isolation . You know what I mean .

It's like a six week program . You go for four hours Monday through Thursday , something like that . So they gave me that and I do do the therapy , and this is the first time I ever had gotten therapy . The whole time I was in that relationship and never gotten help for anything , which I do recommend because sometimes it's necessary .

And so he ends up coming about an hour later with the kids into the room and one of the first things he says to me is he says this is us . He was telling me that this is our business , don't tell anybody about this , like don't tell your family that this happened . And I was like and I didn't . You know what I mean .

Like he had a way to spin things to where it was , like you know , they're just all in our you know to spin things where it's like . Okay , he has a point , let me just not say anything . And so I didn't , and so I take the therapy .

I had to take a leave from work and the amazing thing is , during the six-week program I didn't even really mention what was going on at home because he had moved back in with me . I lifted the order of protection and he came back home with me and the kids , and so I didn't mention anything until the very end .

And that's when it got physical and he physically put me in a headlock . He was withholding my keys or something like that . Well , not the keys , I think it was my bank card and I wanted to go to the grocery store to get groceries before the kids came home I know my oldest two were in school and the youngest he had to be two at this time .

So I was like , can I have the card so I can go to the store ? And I had to walk too because he had totaled our car like two days prior . So I was like , can I just have my keys so I can in my card , so I can go to the store and get food before they get home from school ?

He's just sitting in the chair ignoring me , he refuses to give it to me , and so , me getting irritated , I just try to reach into his pocket and grab it . Not violent at all , I'm just trying to grab it out of his pocket and he slapped my hand . Next thing you know , we're physically fighting From the kitchen to the living room .

We both fall on the floor . Mind you , my son is asleep on the couch . He's two . We both fall on the floor . He ends up on top of me . My face is down against the floor . He puts me in this headlock . He keeps making these gestures as if he wants to snap my neck . He's a pretty solid dude and he's a pretty pretty like solid dude .

He kept putting weight , more and more weight on my back and on my neck and I couldn't breathe at this point and I literally , in that moment , felt like I was going to die , literally , like that's the closest to death I've ever felt in my life .

I couldn't breathe and he would not get off me , and so I'm screaming , I can't breathe , I can't breathe and he's like well , are you going to leave me alone ? Are you going to leave me alone ? And I'm like , yes , just get off of me .

So he gets off , I call the police and even then , when they came , I did not press charges because , like I said , I didn't know what to do with his daughter .

Yeah , when they asked him , like nope , I just want to leave with my son , yeah , and I don't know what I was thinking in the moment , but the main reason was trying to protect her and not wanting her to end up in foster care because I didn't have any rights to her at the time . So I just leave .

And I believe the same night , once the other two kids came home from school , I left that night For some reason . I think he was like withholding , you know , my phone again . So I'll go to the neighbor's house , I call the police and I leave with my other two kids .

The oldest had to stay with him because I couldn't take her , but I left with the other two kids and that's the day that I left for good . I ended up trying to press charges and do a police report the next day .

He does get arrested , but they release him and the reason was I waited to the next day to file the report and there weren't like marks on my neck to kind of justify , like what you know what happened . So they ended up letting him go , you know . So yeah , it was . It was very hard .

So I ended up homeless , a homeless single mother , you know , with three kids overnight , and I had to start completely over . So it was really hard .

I mean , of course , process requires time and you gotta go go down , takes time to get back up . So what did life ?

I feel like God designed me that way and my mom's the same way , so I guess I get it from her and my mom's the same way , so I guess I get it from her . And so I think just getting like therapy and counseling really helped me and my kids . And it was tricky because we literally all were healing at the same time .

Right , you know , we all were in counseling , we all were in therapy , we all were like just trying to rebuild our lives .

So , by the grace of God , like any less of a person I don't know wouldn't be able to do it , but he my faith in him , you know my faith and just clinging to him through the process and trusting that and having that faith that it would get better , it helped me to keep going .

That is something that we teach and preach here and talk about here all the time is faith and relationship . It won't fail you . I promise you it won't fail you . I promise you it won't fail you . And you know , lissandra , I just so appreciate you coming and sharing your story with the Diamonds here . You have a podcast as well , correct ?

I do a lot of sharing of my testimony , but I'm also looking to bring on guests who aren't ashamed to tell their story because of what it might do to deliver , save and help someone else .

For so many years I hid parts of my story , but it's so much more beneficial to release it , as God gives you , because you never know whose life you're touching and whose life you're saying , or whose life what souls you're bringing to Christ . So definitely never be ashamed to tell your story .

Don't ignore those red flags and relationships and just that Jesus loves you , he loves you and he sees you no matter what . So having that relationship is so important . No matter what you're going through , there's nothing that can keep us from the love of God . And know that when you pray he hears you and he will respond .

Lord God , we just thank you for the opportunity and the platform , father God , to be able to encourage them , lord , in this time , to help them to know that you are not invisible , god , that you are with them , that you love them and that you see them and they do not deserve these things .

Lord God , strengthen them , comfort them and give them the ability to see their worth and value again . Help them to know what it means to love you first and love themselves . Father God , in Jesus name , we honor and we praise and worship you . I thank you so much for Catherine and Michael for giving me the opportunity to speak on their platform .

Continue to bless them and help them to walk in obedience , doing all that it is that you've called them to do , lord God , so that they can continue to do the work of the kingdom here on earth . In Jesus name , amen .

Strong and powerful prayer . All right diamonds . Y'all know what time it is . Remember that you are a diamond . You're a diamond and it might be rough , but you're still a diamond . Amen , amen .