#111 S4 EP 21: From Domestic Abuse to Divine Resilience: Stacy Barnes's Tale

We have a guest with us today and her name is Stacy and she's going to come in in just a few moments . Y'all know what we got to do . First , let's go ahead and pray . Father , we thank you so much for your grace and your mercy . Thank you , god , for allowing us to come into this space this time one more time . We pray for everyone that is here .

We pray for just our brothers and sisters that are in Christ , god . We pray for this world and we pray that your will will be done on today . We pray that every diamond that is here will reflect you . We pray , in the name of Jesus , god , that everything that we give is all from you . Father , we want to ask you to have your way and bless your people .

We bless your name and we pray this prayer in the mighty and matchless name of Jesus Christ . We do pray Amen , amen and amen , amen . So Stacey is here and her name is Stacey Kay Amen , and she is an author , she's a , a editor , a journalist . She's a mama , she's a grandma , she's a wife . I probably got the wrong order wrong , but it's okay .

She's a woman of God . At the end of the day , she's our sister for some of us . Amen , we are so glad to have her here . Stacey , you want to say hello to everybody ?

And , um , Stacey , she has , um , some background in that , and so , as we transition into this topic , it's definitely a sensitive topic and I want to say to anyone that is listening , every time , if you have children in the background or in the room , you might want to caution , Because I don't know how in-depth we'll get about domestic violence , but it is a

thing and I believe that the church needs to talk about it . I think it's something that oftentimes the church doesn't want to talk about . It doesn't want to talk about things like domestic violence . It doesn't want to talk about things like teenage pregnancy , what it's like to be single .

These are the things that the church tends to try to hide , because the church wants to create this perfect picture . Well , God is prompting . He's really prompting . I believe that he's really prompting his sons and his daughters to go out . He's prompting us to go out into the world . He said go into the world .

So that means that we got to go in into the places that are hidden , the places that are controversial , the places that people don't want to talk about . So , with that being said , Stacey , can you please give us a little bit of background about this topic and what it is that the Lord has done in your life that makes you a voice for it ?

And so it really came as a shock once we were married and he really began to change and his attitude was one that you know , women should be seen and not heard , and I have a very , you know , I have a tendency to talk back to not .

I'm not , I was not raised to be be silent , and so it was very difficult for me to have somebody who was telling me to be silent or ordering me to be silent , and I , you know , I did not do that well , and so that would enrage him and he would become violent , and it wasn't always that and and I think that it's important to say , you know , there's

always two sides . I'm not saying I was completely innocent , I was never violent , but you know I wasn't good at , you know , going to the corner and being quiet and I never ended up in a hospital or anything like that , but there was a time that I honestly and I do write about this in my book I honestly didn't think I was going to live .

And my daughter was right down the hallway . She didn't miss it , but she was there and I was thinking , you know , he's choking me , I'm going to , I'm going to die and she's not going to have a mother . And you know , there were just , there were times like that , things like that that happened .

There were times that that the majority of my abuse really was emotional and mental . And when , you know , when , our marriage was over and I finally and honestly , I don't think that I would be here today if I had stayed in the marriage . And he didn't really want to necessarily end the marriage . He didn't want to be married to me anymore , he told me .

But he also didn't want to be the one filing for divorce . He didn't want to be the one on that , he didn't want to be perceived on that . He didn't want to be perceived , I think , as the bad guy . But ultimately , what ended our marriage was one day my car was broken down and I couldn't go anywhere .

The only time I ever got to leave my home was when his parents would come and pick me up and take me to go get groceries on their day off and other than that , I was basically a prisoner in my own home . It was me and my daughter and I was pregnant , and he would drive me to my parents' house and drop me off and then he would go to work .

And we got into a fight on the way there because I said I really want my car to be fixed so that I can go and do things , and he said I don't want your car fixed , I don't want you going anywhere , I want you home . So I know where you are . And I realized in that moment that I was a prisoner and he had no intention of changing or letting me go .

And I didn't realize how badly things had spiraled . And so we really got into it . We got out of the car and I walked around and he picked me up by my neck off the ground and I , like I said I was seven months pregnant , eight months pregnant it was . It was horrifying .

My daughter's three and I'm thinking it was dark because it was before the sun had come up that I was afraid . You know , I didn't want her to see that . I didn't want her to witness that she was three years old . So I just told him . You know , when he put me down , I told him do not pick me up after work and he said I wasn't going to .

And he drove off and I went into the house and I was hoping my daughter hadn't seen it and she , I tried to lay her down because it was super early and tried to see if she'd go back to sleep . And she said Mommy , why did Daddy hurt your neck ? And I just said that's it .

My child is not growing up , she's not going to witness that this is not going to be her life and this is not going to be my life . And in that moment I made that decision that I just could not go back and it was not going back to that life . And so it was very , very difficult .

And you know , when you go through a divorce and you go through just kind of this loss of just what you thought your life was going to be and what you all the plans and the dreams that you had for your family and your life and I grew up in a Christian home Divorce was not on the table , it wasn't allowed . No one in my family was divorced .

It was a big stigma , but my family didn't know about the abuse . I hadn't told them . They did not know what was going on . So it was . It was a big scandal . I told them about it and of course , they supported me once they knew what was happening . But it was , it was . It was very difficult .

I moved in with my parents and I'll just tell you , I was completely broken . All the things that he said to me all the time , you know , all the things about how I was ugly and I was , you know , stupid and I was worthless and nobody could ever love me Like I believed all those things and it took a really long time for me to really .

You know , I had to get back into the word . I had to remember whose I was and who I was , and I had to remember that I have value to God . He's the one who gives me value , not my ex-husband or any person in this world . My value comes solely from God .

And once I started to remember that and I started to read my Bible , I started to really remember my worth in God . That's when things really changed and things really fell into place .

Whether you are male or female , pay attention to the warning signs . Whether you are male or female , pay attention to the warning signs and you know if it's a , if it's a . You heard the old saying if it's a duck and it's quacking , it's a duck . You know what I mean . Call it what it is .

I know you , you know you may love him , you may , you know you may love her , but you know love doesn't hurt at the end of the day . So you know . So we want to say pay attention to the signs . But really , moving on .

You know you could pray all day , pray , pray , pray , but until you make that move it's not going to change . You got to get out of it . And so how ? I mean , once you got into your word Stacy , once you got into your word , you began to see the light again . Word Stacey . Once you got into your word , then you began to see the light again . Um did .

Were you able to forgive him ? Um ? I mean , how were things after you got back into a right relationship ?

When we were first divorced and I had the baby and everything kind of fell into place , he was doing his thing and we were not living together , we were not dating or anything like that . But we had a good enough relationship that you know , I could talk to him , I could tell him what was going on with the kids , things like that , and he was interested .

Well , then he remarried and she did not think that we as exes should have a good relationship or that we should talk to one another , and so she really interjected herself into that and I really feel like things went downhill from that . I mean , when we weren't living together he wasn't abusive to me . I mean he didn't . You know all the things .

Cause we weren't together anymore and I don't know if that just changed things for him or if he just knew like I wasn't , I was , wasn't doing it anymore , I wasn't going to tolerate it , I was done with it , I walked away from it and he knew he didn't have that power over me anymore . So I so those kinds of so we could have just a regular conversation .

But once she came into the picture , she no longer allowed those conversations , she no longer wanted us to speak , and so he changed and his attitude changed and what used to be a conversation asking how the kids were and what they were doing and things turned into just yes , no , just give me the facts and move on .

And so whenever we would drop the kids off and stuff , it would be like that .

And then it actually I felt like it became antagonistic . They would do things and say things . It's different . So I felt like in my house it was off limits to say anything negative about their father and their stepmom . I didn't care if they called her mom , I didn't care any of it . I think there's enough love to go around .

My children are not pawns , my children , their relationship with their dad and their stepmom is exactly that and as it should be . And on their side it was completely different . I remarried and they called him dad and if they slipped up and accidentally said dad in front of them , it became a huge deal . They got in big trouble . You know .

They would do things like cut their hair and make them upset . I mean , my kids would get sick , they didn't want to go over there , they would be so nervous about going , they didn't like it , and so we would end up in fights over things like that . Just , you know little things like that .

But I'll tell you one day we had had this particularly heated argument because he had done something that really upset me , and then we got off the phone . I felt so convicted and I just started praying about it and I called him back up and I just said listen , you know , we are different people than we were years ago when we were married .

We are still relating to one another as if we're the same people .

And I said I'm just going to tell you right now that I forgive you for everything that happened , and I am going to ask you to forgive me , and whether you do or not is up to you , but I'm going to tell you from this day forward , I'm not going to ask you to forgive me , and whether you do or not is up to you , but I'm going to tell you , from this

day forward , I'm not going to respond to you in the same way anymore . I'm different , it's different , and that was it . And for me , I was released from so much just through that act of forgiving him that it really changed my life .

That act of forgiving him that it really it changed my life , because I had lived in a lot of bitterness and anger and , just you know , every little thing would set me off and I saw everything . As you know , they're doing this to me , they're doing this to make me mad , and maybe they still did .

But once I forgave them , I just moved on and they just said I can't do anything about it and I just focused on other things , took my focus off of that . It released me in a way that I just never even thought possible .

I didn't want to forgive him because I thought that I was being strong and I thought I was showing my daughter and my son and my family that I'm strong . He can't hurt me , you know all those things .

But once I got to that point and I was just like I'm forgiving you , I hope that you will forgive me and we're just going to interact differently it completely changed things .

People are in prison and the only reason they stay in there is because they have the keys . You hear me ? Come on , yeah , yeah , amen . It's amazing . It is amazing the things , the prisons that we stay in , simply because we don't unlock the door .

The door is open , he's an open , the door took the lock off , but you shut the door and keep the lock on and you have the keys to opening the door . Oh , man and you know God is the key .

God is key , and so , now that you have forgiven the past and let it go and you are walking in the light and doing what it is that God has called you to do , tell us where you are today and tell us a little bit more about your book , and tell us a little bit more about your book .

And then I got to a point where I just started looking around and I was thinking the Lord has blessed me so , so much and I felt very convicted that I should share . How .

You know , I went through a lot of things and we're not talking about all the things , but in my book , in each chapter , I talk about different stories that I went through , and some of the messes that I got into were my own making and some of them were messes other people made that I just got to suffer through .

But the Lord uses every bit of it and I really felt like the Lord was calling me to share my story . It was very uncomfortable .

I did not enjoy going back to that place and reliving a lot of these stories , but I always felt like , you know , god's going to be able to use this for other people who are going through difficult times , and what good is it to have gone through this if I don't point others to Christ and show them and tell them how he strengthened me and how he grew my

faith . My faith is so strong because of the different things that I went through and the way that the Lord was there for me every step of the way , and the way he carried me when I was broken and how he put me back together , and I wouldn't be here today if I didn't .

I believe , if I did not have the faith that I have , if God was not there walking me through , I wouldn't be here today . And you know I have a husband that he loves me , he's kind , he cares deeply about my happiness , he's not abusive , he's wonderful , and he took in my two children and treated them like his own . We have two children together as well .

We have six grandchildren and , you know , the Lord has blessed our life and I think that that is something worth sharing with other people , because I know that other people are suffering and that other people are going through difficult times , and I just want to encourage them to hold on , to look up , to not lose your faith .

You know , when you go through adversity , you can run towards God or you can run away from Him , and if you will run towards Him and you will trust Him . He will be there . He will not let you down . He's the only one who will not ever let you down , and I think that that's an important message today , missing , god based on .

you want to share .

I really feel like the reason behind it and the reason I wanted to share is to really let people know that God sees you , he knows you and he loves you deeply and that he is always there for you .

And just hang on to that and know that , because you do have worth and no matter what you've done , no matter how far you've fallen , you can come back and God forgives you . He will forgive you .

And it was just . It was overwhelming , I could . I mean , it makes me tear up to think about it now because it was so real to me and he was little , and it's so difficult .

Anyone who has been divorced and have a situation where your children have to go and be with the other family for extended periods , you know they would have to go two weeks at a time , sometimes even longer , every other weekend . All of those things and their life when they were over there was vastly different than when they were with me .

And even though I tried to , you know I went to attorneys and tried to see if I could , you know , change that a little bit and make them go less . They said you know , no , you can't , because being a Christian and taking them to church and stuff , that doesn't mean you're not actually assured that the judge is going to rule in your favor .

He may not think that's a good thing . He might think that they actually need to spend more time away from you to get more acclimated to that . And so I just had most of my anxiety and depression , I think , really were around that . They were around my kids being gone , me being so powerless to do anything for them and just not knowing what was happening .

And then hearing the stories when they came back and seeing how anxious they were to go . It just broke my heart , it tore me apart .

And I would be there and I had these other two young children and I can remember my husband just pleading with me and saying , listen , like I'd be sitting on the couch , just like staring in space or just praying , you know in my mind , and just overwhelmed with the anxiety of it being sad about it , being upset about it .

And he would say you know you have two other children here who need you . I need you to focus on them , you know . And so I did , I , you know . I tried to snap out of it and I'll tell you what changed for me . One day I had taken them to our drop-off point and .

I prayed all the way there , I dropped them off with their dad and I just , I just said God , I can't do this anymore , like I just can't do this anymore . I need you , I need you to . You have to protect them , you have to hold them .

I'm telling you , I had this vision so clearly in my mind of this gigantic hand , like this gigantic hand , and my two little babies were right in the center of this hand . And , you know , he told me he's like I have your kids , I have your babies , and that , just that , that really flipped the switch for me .

Like no , I I'm not in control , I have no power here , but the one who created them and who loves them even more than me has those babies and I have to trust that . And that's the only way I was able to get through it , just praying and just trusting God that he had them .

You know , it was drastically different Because I went to church and did all of that for me and it's like the first couple of times my daughter would go with her father and I felt the same . I'm like , oh Lord , I got to pray . I got to pray and one day he just kind of said this is my child and I'm going to take care of her .

One of those things you just have to trust God that even when they are away , that he is watching , he's taking care of . And we just encourage you to trust God in overcoming whatever you've had to overcome , whether again , it's domestic violence or any kind of addictions , failed marriages , whatever it is . You got to trust God . That's my final word .

I thank you for Catherine and Michael and all the diamonds who are listening , and her husband , Michael , and all the diamonds who are listening . Lord , I pray that they would be uplifted and encouraged and that they would remember that , no matter what they're going through , that they can trust you and that you are always faithful .

I pray that you'll be with us as we go throughout the remaining weeks and I pray that you would bless us in your name . I pray Amen .