¶ Introduction to Calvin's Journey
The night that I um went to jail, I contemplated killing myself. His voice told me get up and pray. So I remember that night, I told the Lord that I wanted to give my life. And whatever it is that he wanted me to do, that I wanted to have the courage, the courage to go out there and tell my testimony.
You're listening to the God Behind Bars podcast where we take you behind prison walls to hear about the ways God is moving in the incarcerated population. God Behind Bars is a ministry that exists to introduce inmates and their families to Jesus and connect them to the local church. And we do that through a variety of programs all across the United States. This podcast was created to give you a glimpse of what life is like behind bars.
First-hand testimonies of Jesus radically transforming lives and why we believe God belongs in prison.
¶ Childhood Trauma and Its Impact
Hey, I'm Jake Bodine. Welcome back to the God Behind Bars podcast. I got Calvin here uh with me today. I'm excited to hear your story, man. Thanks for being here.
Oh, I'm glad to be here, sir. And it's been a pleasure and an honor, okay, for you for you to come out and hear my testimony.
That's awesome. We're at Everglades Correctional Institution in South Florida. Did you did you grow up in Florida?
Yes sir.
Yes, I have. Like what was your childhood like? What part of Florida were you from?
Um actually I'm from um Miami, Florida. Actually, I'm from um a little place called um Little Haiti. I don't know if you guys ever heard of that or whatnot. I stayed off of forty third street and fifth Avenue. Okay. Okay. Um I grew up around that area. Um I went to Ata Powder though. Atta powder's pretty much out the way.
of whatnot because my mom, you know, she wanted me to go to Ata Powder. She didn't want me to go to the um to the middle school that was around there. Now when I got to the senior high, I went to Edison Middle. Um I'm sorry, Edison Senior High. Okay. And after that Pretty much I mean I skipped a couple of things but um it's been a rough childhood. Uh
Go back to that. What was what was your childhood life? Um
I wasn't I I wasn't always popular. Um I actually I I grew up in a um in in a confined um home where, you know, my mom wouldn't allow us to go places. Um I'm the oldest out of three. And um You know, it's like um what mama say you you pretty much do. Um
And were you raised just by your mom or was your dad in the mix?
Um, I had a stepfather, my my my biological father I really don't know mm that well. Um, so my stepfather really raised me, which you know I'm saying, he did a yeah, I mean he did a tremendous job um job doing that. Um, but it was it it was a point in my life where um Life kinda changed. um for me at the age of seven. I mean th d this is hard to talk about because, you know, we um we deal with this every day. Um
now, which is um child abuse, child sexual abuse. Mm. And um when I was at the age of seven, um, I had a cousin that, um that sexually assaulted me. Mm. So, um, you know, I kinda tried to I I used to always say, you know, this it's it's a dream. I used to always tell myself, you know, it's a bad dream because I didn't wanna relive that. Wow. Um so as I got older, um, Yeah, I'm gonna take you to a situation where my grandmother passed away. And that's when my cousin came back into my life.
Um, but he was also incarcerated at that time. So he sent me a letter.
And um
when I received that letter from him, it it pretty much brought back memories that I thought that um was a dream.'Cause I was, um I wanna say I was between the age at this point of my life I th I wanna say I was b the age between twenty one and twenty two. Mhm. a around that age. And um when I when I received that letter, um it kind of took me to a dark place during that time. So I remember starting to act out. um in my early twenties. And I didn't tell anybody why.
But they just sort of um they change Jimmy. And then that's when that kinda that that road led me down to doing drugs and stuff and and getting into trouble.
¶ Drugs to Suppress Trauma
So it's more like uh I can't imagine number one, the trauma uh that you were experiencing experiencing through all of that and I'm sorry that you've had to experience that. Uh but two, through that trauma. that the drugs is pretty much the only thing that allowed you to suppress that pain. Yes. Yeah. Yes. Yeah. And what what was what's your experience like in all of that? Is it um Did the pain ever go away?
No.
And so it just turned into a bigger and bigger.
Yes, it did. Yeah. It did. Because, um, It's not easy for a man to talk about um sexual abuse as a child. Yeah. Especially in the area that I that I lived in. You know, you you you was raised Really I was raised um with the streets as I got out my um got out the house because um I left my mom and my stepfather at the age of eighteen, nineteen. and pretty much I was in the streets. So, um, it's hard to
to to talk to other men that, you know, when I when I was younger, um, I was molested by another man. Because, you know, you don't wanna seem like you're homosexual. The um the drugs that I use, man, was it it sort of medicated the issue, you know what I'm saying, the problem, I should say. You know, for only a period of time. Doing that.
I didn't know any I I didn't know much about God nor Jesus Christ, but I did go to church. And um I always I used to always ask why why the Lord allowed this to happen because I I didn't trust anybody and I was scared of what people may think that I might become. And the only thing I can find in was just doing the drugs. Just doing the drugs. I mean could I say drug the choice or on on the I mean it was cocaine a a little bli little bit of cocaine crack sometimes.
But it it it it it took me it took me to another place where I didn't have to worry about the reality of of of my situation.
Yeah.
¶ Healing and Seeking Forgiveness
And um it hurts because, you know, now that I have to relive this, um, that's not who I am.
Yeah, no. And I honestly uh the the you're not unique in the fact that like most people, their tendency is to want to reach to the external uh to try to heal and fix something internal. You know? And so Um yeah, that that is uh I I'm s really sorry for that in in your life.
But yes. Um You know, my mom,'cause y um when I tell her and she always blame herself, but I s I said, um, It's not your fault. Mm. I mean, excuse me. I wasn't sure. No I didn't know. Every time we talk about she blames herself. I just hate I I hate it when I had to go through this. And I thank the Lord because He made me a better man. He made me a better man. And I understand. Forgiveness. Because I don't forget my color. I've already done.
It's just all dealing with it every day in prison, trying to understand. I'm sorry. It just are. Yeah. It it really is. Wow. I thought I got over it, but I
All right. Trauma man. And uh For me, I think that um How is how is God like we were going back to the
Yeah.
Yes. And how has he helped you uh in navigating all of that in your
¶ Finding God's Voice in Jail
Yeah. But you know, um, once I came to pr well, actually, um, the night that I um went to jail, um, I contemplated killing myself. Um and his voice it's amazing. His voice told me to get up and pray. Mm-hmm. And I and at that time I wasn't a praying type of person. I remember getting up praying. That next morning they came and got me and they put me in um um in this cell. And it was uh it was an ex-um pastor that was in there. And man, he he helped me. He helped me understand the love of God.
And what God wanted to wanted to use my testimony and wanted to use me. It was just amazing that when that God prayed for me. overwhelming comfort came over me. And I started to to think about all the things that that people um used to tell me about Jesus. And now it started to to come to a full circle. So I remember that night I told the Lord that I wanted to give. And and and whatever it is that he wanted me to do that, I wanted to have the courage.
courage to go out there and tell my testimony and show them the goodness of God and the power of love and forgiveness. And with the pastor, man, he's I mean, beautiful brother, man. He helped he he really helped me. He helped me through. And and I could tell you From that point, even when I got sentenced coming to prison, my journey, man, it's it's it's been beautiful.
it it's it's been beautiful, it's been uplifting. And I mean a a real transformation because even even when I feel like I'm at my low and and then I think about that first night when when when I confess. And it feels it just it's just a beautiful feeling.
Yeah, tell us about that journey. What was that journey like?
¶ Protected by Faith in Prison
Oh man. Well you know when I w when I first came to prison uh My my first couple of years I I I was in this um this um institution called Charlotte Correction and man this place was like You you know, we have this saying in prison about certain camps they call it gladiator camps or whatnot where you you know, all type of stuff go down.
And then we'll see. It's kinda like uh like the fish tank, right? For someone who wouldn't know what they're talking uh what we're talking about, it's like Uh there is no classification of individuals. It's kinda everybody they're figuring out who each and uh uh individual is, what their temperament's like. Yes. Uh possibly even uh are they serious or not serious about changing their life, all of those things. So that's the that's the facility you're describing there, right? So
Yes, meh. So um I was scared. I'm not a violent person.
Yeah.
Never a violent person. But at this camp, it was either you had to be this way Or you have to be the other way. But what I chose, I chose to be what God wanted me to be. Because at the end of the day, um I know he he he I felt it in my heart that he would never leave me nor forsake me. And I just had to build up the courage through him that, you know what?
I'm I'm I'm just not gonna fall for anything. I'm not gonna be subject to vic be be be victimized uh uh Oh however the the the the prison culture. Tell you that you should be. I don't believe in that. I believe in my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. And what he well, I mean, man, it just is it's it's beautiful because he put
good brothers in my path that helped me mature and grow and understand even though I understand it's it's prison but we don't have to act like it's prison. Mm. Because I didn't have to um have a knife every time. You know, because like I said, Charlotte, man, they call it a gladiator camp. So it was like, man, it w it it was just amazing how the way, even though it was chaos around me, I was protected. And man, it was
It was just the um the brothers that that um that was in my li in my life at that time, you know, they helped me through prayer, through fasting. And man, I just I just thank the Lord for that.
¶ Beyond Prison Culture: Family
And I get to talk with guys all the time. Like when we say hard time, it doesn't have to be hard. Yes. Like we we can create a culture and a place to where uh we get to to utilize this time.
Mm.
Yes. And the time that we do have, the und undistracted time, which I believe is one of the greatest commodities in prison. Yes. Uh right to to further grow our life. Yes. And uh I know for some of our listeners like They they are they are the the shot collars that can make all that happen. You know what I mean? And so uh if you have that influence uh over your peers and getting the opportunity to ultimately say, Hey, look, like let's let's build something and turn heads this way. Yes. Uh
to where they see our growth, they see our intentionality, they see the life change that's taking place in us. Imagine what the world would think if we had an entire uh prison or even all of corrections on board with like, hey, I'm gonna use this time uh to to further my life in every single way so that when I get out that I could be a productive citizen in society. Uh again and that ultimately my future would still be bright. Yeah.
Amen. I'm with you, brother. Sorry, I had to preach for a moment'cause I I'm passionate about that. So uh but sorry, uh not to cut you off. Uh go back to to to what you were saying. You were saying I chose to be different than the culture was was demanding of
Yes, because it was it um for me it wasn't easy because um If I'm gonna change, I'm gonna change all the way. Mm. And and that that means turning down the things that people f feel like they need to survive in prison. No. I think um I thank God for my family, man, because you know they they love me. And I know they struggle, they still struggling, but but they provide whatever they can for me. And and man, I I tell the Lord I appreciate every day.
Even with that, because you know, being in prison, you know, people feel like they it's it they need canteen. They need that to survive, but no, you don't. You need Jesus to survive. And let me tell you something. Even though we get three meals and we may not like But guess what? I appreciate that because you know what? I see by by being incarcerated, I see prisons out there in the third world countries where they don't even get what we have here. So yeah. We put um
Canteen as we call it. We we put that Above everything because it people feel like if you have canteen you have everything and that's not really true. That is not true. Because I've I've I've known people that had two and three bags of canteen and still Still angry and mad.
Yeah. And so you're saying family family support doesn't just look like putting money on your books. No. It's it's more of that emotional Uplifting, encouragement uh that you receive from them. What's what's d how's the relationship with your mom and what does she do uh for you on a daily, if not weekly, monthly basis? Oh man uh while incarcerated. What does that look like?
Man, it's it it's beautiful. It it it is, it's it's beautiful. She makes sure it um it's money on the phone so I could call her. If not, she keeps stamps on the um where I can email her because we have the electronic email now. And um Um whenever she can, she she comes and visits me. Now now since I've been here, man, she she visits me almost one time a month.
I mean that's just it it it means a lot being in here because sometimes we feel like we're alone and we don't have that support. And, you know, some some families may judge and might not and turn their back. because they they don't accept what we did. And and always look at it, you know what, everybody can make a mistake. You know what I'm saying? So
Um I mean my mom relationship, man, it's man it it's beautiful because now she understands why I act out the way I act out when I was out there on the street. So um The thing is now it's just trying to get a um'cause I have a daughter. Now that relationship is is up and down because she doesn't understand or whatnot. So I I'm always praying that God will
give me the words that were the encouraging words to say to her so she can understand, you know, why I'm in here'cause really she don't understand Yeah. Or what not. So But going back to my mom, man, she she's my number one fan.
She really is.
This is my number one affair.
¶ Sharing Hope with Fellow Inmates
That's awesome. Yes. Well, what throughout your time here w uh, you were saying that um obviously you you had that moment with God uh and your choice to say, hey, look, I'm gonna live for him, I'm gonna follow him, I'm not gonna follow the ways of this world. Yes. The prison culture, all of that. Yes. Uh what's God begin doing now through you in that uh amongst your peers? and community that you live in on a daily basis. How how does that how what does that look like?
I well,'cause um I didn't know how to speak. at the beginning like like how could I start a conversation letting people know about, you know, the love of God, you know, saying, um, mercy and forgiven. I I didn't know how to speak at first. So what happens is, is that God during my journey, he put brothers same brothers in my life to to tell me to loosen up, to to open up. Because he said, listen What God has for you is not just only for you, it's for everybody else.
Cause through you. Cause I had to learn that through. um the brothers because they I mean they was really serious about me transforming and and because I shared my testimony with them. He said it's it's a lot of people that could learn, okay, from you. Because you have a you have a strong um testimony that no people n a not a lot of people like to share because of the shame.
So I had to I I had to really let my defense down because being in prison, you know, s I'm pretty sure you heard that. But, you know, people put up these walls, you know, you can't trust everybody. You definitely can't trust everybody. by God allowing me to humble myself And to make sure that the right people in my journey helped me to mature enough to now when I go with um whether it's um church or uh um um yard ministry.
That I want that that I'm able to talk where people can understand and see the realness in me. And I think I I thank the Lord for those brothers that's that um that's been in my um well some of them are are are still at other camps but I got quite a few here now that I have grown to, you know what I'm saying, to trust and and we fellowship, man. And and and it's so genuine. So with that, it gives me that that courage, that inspiration to speak.
You know what I'm saying? Even when a brother, I could share this with you. There was a brother that was um that that really needed somebody to talk to. But he didn't know how who who to go to. Until he saw me it was like he said, Man, could I ha could could I say something to you? And and if I tell you this, will you judge him? Like, well no. I'm I'm like, look I
Who am I to judge? Yeah. And when he told me that, man, it brought tears to my eyes. Well, what he shared with me. And we talked for hours. And I'ma tell you, I I love football and football was on that day. So I was like, you know what? Because he was serious, I I I could see this a serious uh well I can see that that he was serious and I wanted, I really wanted to help. Because I wanted to do something for him that somebody done for me. And with me, I I love sports.
And and and at that time I sacrificed my time to but I know it wasn't just me because I was being obedient and it was that God that led me to do yeah to so so so that's it it it's amazing how the way God has transformed me to be more open now instead of being closed in.
I I love that. I love the heart that you said, Hey, I don't ha I can't judge you. And I say that all the time. Like I I don't have a heaven or a hell to put you
Yeah.
Amen. All I can do is be a listening ear and share the encouraging hope of Jesus Christ with each and every one of you. And I think sometimes like we feel like we have to have all the answers. Yes. And we we we stop God's work before it is can even begin. Yes. Because we become that roadblock, right? I love that. I love that mindset. I love that heart. Amen. And I believe as believers, that's how we should approach everybody, every single day.
Amen.
And so that's awesome. Well
¶ Transformed: A New Identity
Calvin for you, like what what's the banner over your life? What's the legacy that you want to leave? Oh man. If uh Calvin Robertson got We were reading an article on you and your life as a whole, what would it be about? Wow.
Here it is. A fallen angel. has found his way back home. After going through trials and tribulations and understanding the love of God, because it starts with him first. In order for me to love you, I gotta understand what love is through God, not through the world. And I want people to know that even though at a point in my life that I failed I flunked out of bounds. But this is what it came to. Now that I'm here standing before you or wherever it may be that
He was truly a man that loved people. Not just hurt people, but loved people. And was sincere about it.
That's what I want.
And that's when I would I'm gonna go back to when I was talking about changing, even with this prison const the the the the the prison culture, I don't wanna be like everybody else. I wanna stand out because I believe that's what the Lord wants me to do. When they say be a beacon of light, in order for you to be a beacon of light, you have to shine. I can't be a beacon of light if I'm if I'm covered about all uh around all this mess around me.
So I, you know, I just refuse to live that prison culture life that the world says we supposed to live.
If someone was on the f fence on this whole idea of Jesus Why Jesus?
Oh man. First I'm gonna tell you. When you talk about forgiveness, We don't say it you feel it. And with Jesus, especially reading man just reading the um Um, man, I'm sorry.
No, what what do you what do you feel like he's done for you in your life?
Well, like I was saying, through it he shows it through people the love that they have for me because I thought I was the scum of the earth. I truly thought I was. But through his love and and what he has shown through other people that uplifts me shows me that God does love me and God does forgive me. Because It's hard. Like I said, it's it's it's hard. Okay.
And and one state of mind trying to understand okay the things that you done, but then the my my other state of mind is telling me that God loves me. But why would you love me if I did this to women or if I did this to And it's just, it's amazing that I really can't understand or put it in words the love of what he has done. Because it's so many people that loves me.
And most of the people I believe that they be lying. Now how crazy is that? But that's the love of God. Yeah. That is the love of God. It's beyond our understanding. Because I'm I'm telling you the the world had me believing that I was the scum of the earth and that's why I wanted to take my my life But through this journey his love has shown me that you know it doesn't matter what your situation or circumstance it is, that he loves you no matter what. So now
I take that. I take that very seriously. And what I was saying, that I I do I want I want to be able to display and show that love that he gave me. Because it's it it it's amazing. It's amazing.
The gospel promises a new identity in him, right? Amen. So what is Calvin's identity today? Oh.
Oh man. I want to be known as the brother that sincerely wants to help you, not just with his mouth, but with his actions. And if I have to sacrifice time, effort, I'm going to do that. Because I want people to feel what I feel when God says he loves his children. Because he do. And he showed in different ways.
But beyond helping people, you said that your idea of you, your identity was scum of the earth. Yes. What does how does God view Calvin today? Oh man. What does your identity look like today?
a counterpillar that turned into a beautiful butterfly. a loving butterfly. That's how I believe that he he views me now. Because now now that I anything is possible. Anything is possible with the Lord. So you know what? If he tells me that he wants me to do it, guess what? I'm gonna do it. Because he has shown me that I could trust him. I could trust him.
And that he loves me. And it's a beautiful feeling because like I was saying earlier, though, it's it's it's so it's so much love that I get from strangers that I never even grew up with. And I come to prison and have and and and I see all this love. All I know is nothing but God. So it it it's it's beautiful. And and and I believe that I was I was stuck in a in a in a in a cocoon stage of my life.
A cocoon stage in my life. And when God knew that it was time for me to be ready to blossom out, I had to go through what I had to go through. And boom, now I I believe He sees me as a beautiful butterfly, a loving butterfly.
¶ Prayer for Healing and Ministry
It's amazing, brother. Well thank you so much for just sharing your testimony with us, your heart. I'm gonna pray for you every single day.
Amen. Amen. Yes, sir.
Daily father, thank you so much just uh for my brother Calvin and uh the opportunity, Lord, just to hear his testimony. and uh all the things that you're doing in in through him, Lord. I pray right now just a a a prayer over him of healing. Yes. Uh both spiritually, emotionally. Father God, of the the trauma that is taking place in his life.
I I pray that uh for your supernatural power, Lord, just to even remove the thoughts or the memories of that, Lord, and fully heal him uh to almost to where it was like it never even happened, Father. And I just Uh I love you. I thankful uh for Calvin. I'm thankful for uh the man that uh you're turning him into. Uh the way that you're using him, Father God.
uh to reach those that are in this prison and beyond. And uh we just pray that uh you'll continue to put an extra uh hedge of protection around him, his mind, his heart. Uh, I pray for your favor, your anointing, Lord, as he moves uh to to be one that shows that he loves people and he shows your love through him to people. And it's in Jesus' name that we pray. Amen.
Man, man. Thank you. Man, it was an honor. It truly is. God bless.
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