Your Women Are Everything w/ Mariska Hargitay

I've always been fascinated by female friendships. And I remember speaking to my husband because I noticed that he didn't have the kind of emotional and supportive scaffolding that I had from my friends. And I remember I was trying to figure out, like, who are his best friends? And so I put it in this premise. I said, Honey, if you came home from work and you caught me in bed with somebody else, who would you call, meaning what of your friends? And George said, well, I would.

I would call one of your friends and ask them why. And that kind of told me everything I needed to know that there is such a difference between male and female friendships. How do we grow our female friendships? I think they're the most integral part of our lives. I think they help us reflect on ourselves. I think they make us better, stronger women. And so to kick start this now, I'd like to introduce the Gale to my Oprah.

And by the way, I've recorded this so she will be able to talk back and say that she's the oprah My bestie Mauritika Hargita. You might know her from I don't know Law and Order SVU. She's won a shipload of awards. Oh we're swearing on this, Oh we swear. Okay, just just want to get up to speed. Go ahead, Oh yeah, let it rip, all right. She also founded the Joyful Heart Foundation, which helps victims of sexual abuse and survivors, and also is fighting real hard to end

the backlog of rape kits. She's won an Emmy for a documentary and I'm that's all I'm gonna say. I don't want to give her too much. I don't like her to come in with an inflated head. We won't mentioned the Golden Globe and the acting Emmy. Go ahead, go ahead. She can't sing, I'll tell you that, right she she can't sing. The way to bring her right back down, Allie went Worth, I need you humble for this one. Okay. I look at female friendships in a

way as almost romantic relationships and don't get excited. We're not going to kiss at any point. But I have a physical reaction when I meet people that have ended up being in my life, like my husband George, and I met Marishka over twenty years ago at a party, and I had that same feeling in my whole body, which as, oh, you're part of my tribe, You're one of my people. I need to be with you. And it's only happened to a handful of people in my life. And we met, we didn't lose touch. But you lived

in New York. I lived in l A. And what's funny is, right off the bat, we had misconceptions about our friendship. So mine was, oh, she's a big TV star. We had a few laughs. We had a connection at the party, but you know, that's it. I'll stay in my lane and I'll just watch her on the golden gloats.

What was your experience? My experience was the opposite. We met, and again, I think it's a kind of a perfect analogy to describe it like a love relationship, because I think that there were sparks there was an immediate chemistry like this is my sister from another mother. Immediately I went, oh, my gosh, this woman understands me. We can joke, we can hit so many different sort of notes all in one conversation, and it felt very freeing and I felt safe,

and it was most of all just so fun. We laughed so much, We laughed non stop in it in an intimate way. Very quickly. That's where I think we both went, Oh, you get it, We're the same. I can't wait to jump into this. I was like, oh, yeah, that's my new best friend. And then I hadn't felt that way about a lot of people as well, and so I was like, Okay, well, she'll probably when I leave, she'll probably text me and say when are we getting together?

When are we having lunch? I'll talk to you tomorrow whatever, blah blah blah. And then I didn't hear from you, and I went, oh, was maybe did I read that wrong? Does she not love me as much as I loved her? That was sort of my takeaway. So I got a little bit sad. We saw each other again, I think, and then the same thing happened really well. As soon as we saw each other again. All the fun came

back immediately, like we hadn't skipped a beat. And then I was like, exactly, why didn't you call me every five minutes? Why don't you recognize in me what I see in you? I think that's what I was feeling. Well, the great thing was you called me on it right away. Now we could have gone on for the next fifty years running into each other and you feeling like, huh, well that's fun, but you called me on it, which you're apt to do. You're a very honest person that way. Um.

Since then we have gotten very close. I'm the godmother of your youngest. We share holidays together and it's a it's a big old love fest. But during quarantine, we were both really, really frightened. We came out to the country from the city with our children, and we made a pact right at the beginning that we were going to kind of quarantine together, you and I and our kids. And at that point we didn't know what was going on. I still think people back then underestimated just how it

was triggering us. Oh yes, I don't think everyone did, because nobody knew what it was exactly, and all we were left with was our fear of the unknown. And so even though I have a very smart husband who can tell me what's going on in Madagascar, I found that you were the one that helped me through emotionally. And what we would do is face time each other every morning and check in, take each other's temperature. How are you feeling, are you scared? Are you this or

you that? What are you're worried about? What's going on with the kids? And that was what took us sort of next level in terms of friendships. And my mother always used to say to me, you need your women friends. I don't care who you're married to. Female friendships or the backbone of your life. And you are somebody that I see who really works hard on friendships, particularly female friendships. Why is it that you nurture those things and make them such an imperative part of your life. Oh gosh,

there are such big questions. I think I knew at a very young age from experiencing such a loss and a break from my primary relationship from my mother and from my primary female relationships, certainly that life was a little bit different from me. And as I I I remember in kindergarten, I had a very very strong relationship with my friend, and we became best friends immediately. We did everything together, and we had such a incredible bond, and I would go over there every weekend, and we

would go away on trips. Well into even high school, I went on trips with her families. And what I realized at a young age is that we are so many parts. And I was close with my my parents, I was close with my siblings, but what I experienced with her because my sisters were so much older than I was, so I never really grew up with sisters like that, and so I craved the softness and femininity and loyalty and just sameness that that I experienced with

my first friend. And then in high school, the same thing happened where I was so close with my two best friends. And then as I got older, of course, in college and you begin to date, just nothing compared as you said, And I realized, even now, more so

than ever, we are such complex beings. I think that's what I recognized in you, you know, especially met twenty years ago when I was you know, starting SPU, and I was so deeply immersed in darkness, in sexual assault, in trauma, and and all those things that when I met you and felt your ease, love of laughter like mine, natural comedy that I remember with you, something in me actually physically relaxed because I thought, oh, she's like the balancer.

I still say this to you. I said it last year on your birthday, and I call you my my guaranteed good time, because there is something in you that no matter what situation we are in, and we've been in a lot, no matter how scared we are, I know that you and I will laugh through it. And so that is sacred to me, and it is fundamental in in my well being and those different colors that we experience with our close, close female relationships, Like I have a couple of friends and you are like this

that are so like maternal with me. I have certain friends that just make me laugh. I have certain friends that are so protective and loyal and that makes me feel safe. And so I realized, like showing up for people and having them show up for you is a

deeply healing thing. And as we live, especially in this time and in this climate, with all the trauma that we are dealing with it and quite frankly inundated every day, we as humans want to be seen and we want to feel safe, and so when you find a like minded person that wants that too, it's everything. I always choose people that I admire and I just want to be around people that challenge me and make me my best self and that want to grow, because I'm just

not interested in people that don't want to grow. There I said it. Oh, well, there's no T shirt from this podcast. Uh U c l A did a study and in times of stress, women not only experience the drive towards fight or flight, they also release oxytocin. And it's a hormone surge that compels women to tend and befriend. And it's interesting because I think, yeah, particularly during Corn Team,

we were releasing a lot of oxytocin. Yeah, I want to go back to what you were saying before, because we have like our sandbox friends, you know that early on kindergarten friends like you had that we were gravitate towards that. I'm still friends with. Her name is Angelique and my first friend and we're still tight today. Oh okay, shout out to Angelique. That's right, Angelie Lamore Pittney lover her.

That's a great name. Um, she was your sandbox friend, right, so you know, for whatever reason you felt safe with her. You go into middle school, the friendship is about sort of protection, Yes, very much. So can I feel safe with you? I have a lot of acne? Are you you're gonna tease me? Are you gonna meet me in the bathroom to cry? Then they're the high school survivors.

I mean, listen, being a teenager, there's there's nothing harder, but the teenage friendships are about kind of having your back, especially when boys break your heart or double cross or whatever. There's a real female armor that happens in high school. Then there's like I call it the bridesmaid phase. You know, you're supporting, whether you agree or not, everyone's decisions at

that point. In twenties thirties, there's the marriage phase where you feel like you're kind of losing your girlfriends because they're getting married and their starting families. And then we're at the phase that we're at, which is the wow, careful, easy, tread lightly sweetheart. It's not quite driving miss days. It's um, it's exactly Uh, it's more of the grace and Frankie phase.

But I go, this is the most important phase because I think there's a fear of mortality and we're looking around going I need substance in gravitas and meaning, and it takes on a whole other thing. So I'm finding now that first of all, women our age are sort of done with the chit chat. They're so done with

the chit chat. And women in our age our time is our most Well, you're older, but let's say, are You've always been a mother to me and we've talked about this and I called you Grammy for that reason. But I have you gotten your double A RP card yet? Yeah? No, I got it. I got it. But remember on your fifty five birthday and I had just turned forty. Remember when we had that party. Yeah, I remember that. I

have photos of it. I'll send it to you. Um. I think that the gift now of this time is not only do we not have time, but I think we're also blessed at this age with so much more wisdom and gratitude. I feel like I am able to let more go. I'm able to just appreciate the good and see the whole person and some of that stuff when we were younger, that may be, you know, triggered us or scared us or whatever we tripped up on.

That's just not what matters. What matters is loyalty somebody who I mean, this is a big thing for me. Do not hang out with people that are not good for your nervous system. I read that believe it or not on Instagram, and I went, that is the greatest piece of advice, because your body, which has all the infinite wisdom, will tell you if you listen to it, if someone's bad for you. That's sort of sixth cents.

But when you're with somebody where you're you feel an exhale and a calm and a safety and a sort of beautiful kind of peace, those are the people that that you should be spending time with their investing in. And so I'm always happier with you. I love the things that you're doing. I love what you invite me to think about with you. I love taking you on my journey and knowing that if I bring something up and it's important to me, you will jump in both feet.

I love how you love my children. And another thing, I mean not to get too sentimental, but I'm just gonna show you this. For those of you who can't see me. I have a big and it's all of the cards that Ali has ever written or made for me. The operative word being made because the way you have invested in your friendships with making cards and sending photos, or somebody says something and and then you know, I said, I like mermaids, and then you make me a mermaid cake.

Just having somebody listen to the little details and then reflect those back that just makes you feel so seen, heard and loved. I agree with all of that, but I would also say, at this point in life there is wisdom, but also I'm much more terrified about death and all the scary things in the world that I look at friendship as at this point of a safety net too. You know, yeah, there's a lot more to come after the short break, and we're back with more.

Go ask Ali. Somebody once said the one thing they've heard over and over is people on their deathbeds say I wish I had stayed in touch with friends. I wish I kept those connections. What matters right to me, part of a real friendship is the ability to be honest and through the fear of consequences. You know, you can have a lot of friends who tell you how great you are and how pretty you are and you know, and that's a lot of bullshit. Thank you, that's beautiful, Alley. Anyway, listen,

I have to go clean my garage. No, you don't clean your garage in your life. But my point is that true friendship is being able to say stuff and you don't really know how they're going to react, but you have the greatest intentions of mine and you have their back. I agree with that about honesty. You know me. I don't have a problem with honesty. I'm probably too honest with people. And I want to add to it vulnerability. I believe that vulnerability is our greatest strength. It's certainly

been mine. But I think that to have a friend that you can be vulnerable with, that you know will catch you and never make fun of your failings, and we'll leave you and won't leave you, but we know that we'll catch you, like I think that is the beauty and that's the invisible string. Like for example, you and I when we're together, we can go very fast, we go quickly to the comedy. We both love to laugh, and we you know, sometimes it's like our own language.

And then we don't even finish the sentence and we're crying and people are like, it's pahing at. But we also can bring each other anything, we can challenge each other, like especially. I think that's the beauty during COVID and during this pandemic, is that we were forced to slow down. We got to process that together, and that was really a gift because I think we both got to grow a lot and really look at things in a different way and bring up things to each other that might

be helpful or things that we've noticed. Do you think there's a lot of pressure in pop culture to have these idealistic friendships? You know, you look at sex in the city, even like Golden Girls, first Wives clubs. I think people idealize and want to have that sort of female bond. But sometimes I wonder, is it something that we're all chasing and it's actually really hard to get or it's really rare. Well, I don't know. I've never had that experience because I know that anything worth anything

is messy. Truth is messy, vulnerability is messy. Friendship is messy. If you're really in it with someone and if you glaze over it, then I mean no offense, But then that's second tier. Right when I'm friends with you, and as you know, I'll tell you the truth and tell you what I feel because I feel like I owe you my truth. So I when I love someone, I make that investment even though it's uncomfortable. That's why I say to people, Look, here's the deal with me. If

you sign up, I'm all in. But I'll tell you stuff sometimes you might not like it. Do you want to really be friends with me and have an honest, open relationship where we can both grow and feel safe? Are we gonna just ice skate on the top? And I have to say I have some great friends. I feel like I'm I'm really one of the lucky ones. Who's the prettiest, the prettiest probably Brookshields. Why wow, she

don't have no podcast? Now she she doesn't, but we both know and love her and I actually I don't even think she's a pretty and I think she has bad brows. She needs to pluck them. Well, she should first of all have her femurs shortened. But but she like I love her too because she's just so open and honest and that makes me feel safe because if

she feels it, you'll know. So what do you do when you've befriended somebody and you start to realize they're toxic, or they don't have your best interest, or they're not honest, what do you do? I did the gentle pull away, I mean, not honest, I'm out. I'm just like why, I'm careful because I don't want to take on more than I can chew. And I'm also learning as I get older to be super protective my time, and not only my time, but my posse's time, my husband's time,

my children's time, you know what I mean. And you have a job that is what jobra craft service at c S I c S I, by the way, I'm wonderful on it. But also like I'm I'm a lucky girl because I am really weirdly close with my co stars, and I have to tell you something. I have made it my business to be close to them. You know, yes, first of all, they're awesome, but second of all, it

just makes everything so much more meaningful. So we have to make that investment and see people and take them in and show them we care and at the same time obviously maintaining our own boundaries and our own self care. So you're saying on SPU you make a conscious effort to befriend your co stars. Yeah, well, I mean it helps that I really like them. Yes, But what I'm

saying is that you've a friend. Because you know that friendship, it's gonna make everybody feel safer and feel better on the set, and ultimately you're gonna have a better product. But also, I want to enjoy my day. I want to go to work and have fun. When actors come on our show and go, is this really how it is? They always say that that it makes me so happy. I think it's one of my things I'm most proud about is that they just have fun. And I think we can do the work and be fun. Why not

be kind? Why not just give the extra love? It makes life better everywhere because the fact is we're all on the same boat. And that's it. With your friends. So there's a friend that you love who makes you feel good, stick with them, and if they can't seem to treat you right, then it's asta luega, baby, it's asta la vista or Austin luego. But I Spanish is not good right now, and I feel a lot of

people don't know that you're trilingual. Um, you have a daughter of Maya, how do you parent her when it comes to friendships? Because she's old enough now that she's deals with mean girls or getting her feelings hurt. When she gets her feelings hurt, or she says things like, oh, so and so wasn't nice to me, or they're not nice or they were mean to me. I like to unpack, as you know, the word mean, right, yeah, well, let's

be let's be honest. Recently I said you were mean, yeah, and we had to have a whole discussion about it because my feelings were hurt and you didn't think that was the right word. I didn't think it was the right word. But what I did think is that you had your feelings hurt. And that's why, even though I knew I wasn't being mean, it didn't matter what I was being. It mattered that you got your feelings hurt. And I love you, so therefore it goes. I don't

care about being right. I cared that. Oh my gosh, I'm sorry, R. I love you. I want to be your happy place. I want to be the place that you come to cry. And you know that I got you. I I felt so bad that you were hurt. Period. It's not about being right. It's about taking care of your friend, and it's about picking a friend that will

take care of you. So when Amya says you know, or says somebody was mean to me, or you know, one of a Maya's friends is over and they're like, well she's mean, I go hold up, guys, let's talk. Let's unpack this. What does mean me? Could it be that she felt left out? Could it be that she was sad she wasn't going over to your house? Tell me all the situations and know that when people are mean in general, it's usually because they are hurting. Let's

not react. Let's go, hey, hey, you seem sad. What happened? Because most of the time it's not about you. Get curious about everything and it helps you not react if somebody says something weird too. I used to have this challenge when somebody be rude to me. Instead of me getting mad back, I'd be like, either I'm gonna be really nice to them, just to make sure that they were rude to me because I want to check because I don't want to react if it was just a miss.

And then you know, like we do we can make a joke because that's a diffuser. But I just want to teach her and everyone. If somebody acts unkindly to you or says something that you don't understand before you just react, ask them what they mean, because sometimes it could be a thing in your head. We don't know what the other person is thinking. And that's why I may be an an over communicator, which I think is good. But it is good. It clears up a lot. How

do you feel about friendships and social media? Not a good idea? Well, but it's like a whole, It's like the wild West. Now. I used to love social media, and I used to love it because I could catch up with people and their kids and their families. But now, yeah, and as I get older, I have only a certain amount of time, and as we all can get sucked into social media Instagram, Twitter, I realized I just don't want to spend my time like that because so much

time was by unconsciously for young people. I think too many people get their feelings hurt. And the fact is is that all these accounts are generally a curated life as opposed to all of it. I'm sort of going back to the old fashioned thing of That's why I love FaceTime. It's like what we used to do is just pick up the phone and talk to somebody. I rather FaceTime than text or even call, because so much is communicated in expression. I just rather see someone's face,

even for two minutes. Yeah. I worry for my daughters that like social media, like snap chatting and all that stuff. I don't want them to confuse that with real friendship, you know what I mean. They do, not your daughters, but everyone they do. I know. I'm like that that is a real problem. And it's so heartbreaking because you know, we're lucky enough to be in the generation where we had the face to face, we had the real relationships,

and then it was icing. The social media thing was icing to us because we knew what a connection was. But now you're like, why call them? It just text? It's like nope, and they don't understand what they're missing through the text. There's also so much room for error, right, so much room for misunderstanding. There's so much room for her feelings. I mean, especially with girls, but even with guys. I noticed my son text and I'm like, that's not

enough information. That's just not enough information for them to know what you mean. We're gonna take a short break and we'll be right back. And we're back. I'm gonna put you on the spot out with something because I thought it'd be fine. Okay, what is something I don't know about you? Mm hmm, Well this is the funniest thing. Well, just because it happened today, and I think this is scary and I might need to talk to somebody about it. But I'm on this kind of peng Shui kick and

cleaning up the clutter. So I went into my bathroom today. I was cleaning all the drawers out and I found my retainer and my friend Kelly, who you know, was with me, opened it up and we started crying so hard, and she's like, you need to get rid of this, and I said, oh, no, I can't. And she was like, oh wait, retainer from when like high school? Come on, yes, you kept it. Yeah, I don't know why. What what am I hanging onto? But now it's just funny. Yeah,

now you have to keep it. So there's a little dark and dusty corner. You want me to tell tell you something about me? You don't know more than anything because you know everything. So it's hard to mind what you don't know. But no, but you know what I will say. That's what I love about you. I don't know everything, I know a lot, and that's what makes you fascinating to me. There are always more parts of you that I find even more interesting. Or something that

you say. I'm like, what I had no idea, or some hobby or something you know about or something about your family. It's always fascinating. But tell me something else about ten days ago, I peed in my jeans and I wasn't laughing or sneezing. What happened? Let's get into it, because it seems like this is the forum to talk about I was sitting there and I just peed in my pants for no reason. No, well, hold, were you at home? Yep? Yeah, this might be something we want

to tick offline. Why it's all about honor? See, I mean, listen, I love that are open um. I do believe that friendships are the life raft and we just get better the deeper and stronger friendships are. But the science journalist Lydia Denworth, she was looking at research about friendship. She found that friendship helps us live longer, better lives. And I think that's true with you. Thank you, Thank you. Can I say one more thing? I could say as much as you want. No, I just thought of a

really beautiful story that I want to share. And this is to whatever young women are listening to this. I was so deeply moved by something that happened two weeks ago.

So there was a girl in high school that I met, and we both big personalities, both leaders, both just had a big appetite for life and all that kind of She was really an amazing person, I'll say, And for whatever reasons, maybe because of jealous eyes on both our parts, or misunderstandings or hurt feelings and things that we both did, but we hurt each other and and I was really sad,

and it's something that I've carried with me. But recently we reconnected and we've been talking because she lost her mother and I was so moved by that because I was very close to her mother when we were in high school. And we started talking on the phone and just sharing back and forth. And then one day I just wrote to her and I said, Hey, I hope this is a weird, but I just wanted to say that I'm really sorry for everything that I did in high school, and I'm really sorry if I hurt you.

And I was sort of, you know, I felt very vulnerable, and I was a little embarrassed because she might be like, sweetheart, sweetheart, get on with your life. But she wrote back to me within what feels like maybe three minutes, and she wrote, thank you so much for saying that I was hurt in high school. And I know it wasn't nice to you either, And I wrote to her, oh my gosh, and she said thank you. That's so cathartic. And I said thank you because I didn't know if she was

going to laugh at me. But the point is I did feel a connection. She wasn't awesome is an awesome woman, and I always was sad. I was like, why aren't we best friends? But we couldn't for whatever reasons. And so, you know, I look back at that now and I think, like, gosh, it's so sad, it's wasted. But the fact is is I want to say to young women, as you said at the beginning, our female friendships are everything, and they are like our protection, our tender hearts, and so guard

them with everything. If somebody like hurts your feelings are mean to you get curious because maybe they have a real problem that they need you to see them. And so I wish I could have seen her, and I wish she and I could have found each other earlier. But something is so beautiful about the sweetness of finding each other now and healing now. Yes, but see, that's even though for forty years you were not in each other's lives. That's a different kind of friendship, you know

what I mean, It's it's still Yes. I love you so much. And as I end this, I do want to read a quote from Anne for Down, who wrote The Social Sex, and she said, friendship is a bond that is uniquely defined by the people who exist within it. Unlike relationships such as marriage or parenthood, which have clear timelines and boundaries, friendships have no ceremonial beginning or end, no biological definition. They're not sanctioned by any church, nor

recognized officially by any state. This is perhaps why women historically diminished by the government and burdened by the family, find such fulfillment and power among their female friends. MS. Great, right, that's very beautiful and true. Well go back to your best friend, Kelly. Thank you, she's missing me. Try each other's retainers on. Yeah, are we going to hold on a second? What are you doing now? I'm reading a

quote that you wrote me. All please yeah, yeah, because you're not the only one around here, so you can read quote. Okay, this is what you wrote to me. Oh God, get your glasses. Hey, am just making a point. We're allowed to pop by each other's houses whenever. And I love that, Ali, because you know what, You and I have been making up the rules as we go along. And I love our own little rules and our own little covenants and safety and invitations for friendship always. And

that is true. You are welcome in my home and in my heart anytime. I love you. I love you too. Thank you for doing this. You all me a present? Yeah, I know. God, I love her so much. Another thing that I think is important to say, which is part of what makes Marishka Marishka, and it's part of her history, is that when she was four years old, her mother, Jane Mansfield, was killed in a horrific car crash in New Orleans. And I think that loss informs how she

has built her relationships with her female friends. I really encourage everybody to go out and grow your female friendships grow the ones that exist, start a new one, and listen. Friendships are hard. You've never heard Mariska harget Taste sing. My mother always in sild in us to be there for our friends. She remembers people's birthdays. She sends flowers for no reason. I grew up never hearing my mother chit chat. It was always deep conversations behind closed doors.

And she used to say to me, and still does. Your women are everything. You know. You almost want to make the same marriage vow with your friends and sickness and health, and the most important thing is show up, show up with a cast role that I have a friend right now because of COVID, no one can visit her in the hospital, and so I FaceTime her three times a day and I tell her a funny joke, or I send her a stupid picture of my fat stomach, or whatever it is to cheer her up. If you

hear something bad that's happened to them, reach out. Don't be like other people in shy away. I think that's the most important thing. You're letting them know you're thinking about them and that you care about them. Your women are everything. Thank you for listening to go ask Alli.

Be sure to subscribe, rate and review the podcast, and follow me on social media on Twitter, Ali e Wentworth and on Instagram the Real Ali Wentworth And if you have questions or guests you'd like to hear from, I'd love to hear from you, call or text me at three to three four six three five six or email me Go ask Alli podcast at gmail dot com. Join me for next week's episode with Glenn and Doyle, author

and warrior, as we dive into authentic love. Go ask Ali is a production of Shonda land Audio and partnership with I Heart Radio. For more podcasts from Shondaland Audio, visit the I Heart Radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you listen to your favorite shows.