You Deserve That Orgasm w/ Dr. Tiffanie Henry

is Dr Tiffany Henry. She is a sex and relationship therapist who has shared her expertise on Good Morning America, The Today Show, Access, Hollywood, The View, and so many others. She also maintains a psychotherapy practice in Atlanta, Georgia, and has recently added Intimacy Coordinator to her resume. Dr tiff is a former host of ABC's The Revolution and TLCS All about Sex. Dr tiff, thank you for being here and thank you for joining us today. I'm so excited

to talk to you. Oh thank you for having me. I'm glad to be here. So sex, sex, sex, sex, It's it's so full. There's so much to say about sex that it's sometimes hard for me to pick a lane, so to speak. But I want to start with asking you a very simple question, which is why did you go into this field? Wow? I kind of got in it around about sort of way. So let me just start off by saying, my mom is the love of my life. But we are Southern Baptists through and through.

She grew up in a little town called Shelby, North Carolina, where church was was his own separate religion in addition to being the Southern Baptist, So she was one of those people very much rooted and raising the Bible, and it's very very prudish. Does not talk about sex. I mean, she won't use anatomical language. But the one thing that she did do in growing up what she made sure that I knew what sex was at an early age. How could she do that if she's not talking about it.

What we would do what I remember my earth some of my earliest memories and going to the library and she would just get books, Like if I had questions about sex, she would take me to the library and we would get books and we would read them together, and some of them she would let me read on my own and something and this was probably I had to be like four or five years old, four or five six years old, and if I had yeah, I was very young, but I had questions, like, looking back

on it is so weird just knowing how I shouldn't say religious spiritual she is, But as a kid, I just remembered having a question about something and she never shied away. I'm sure she was freaking out, but she never left me in on that. So rich is really great. Actually, yeah, it's awesome. So my mom was really really instrumental in getting me comfortable with sex, or comfortable with the conversation. Right.

So when I got to college, I became a Women's studies minor, and in my human sexuality cores and geminism classes and all that, I started to realize that I could talk about sex a lot more freely than my counterparts could. I started thinking, Wow, sex therapy could be an avenue for me. And so as I was getting my masters in psychology, I was finding early on many of my colleagues would refer patients who had sexual issues because they just didn't have that comfort level and talking

to them about their most intimate secrets. Um, it's very easy for me to ask the right questions and get to get them to open up. And my mom will just be like, that's just Tiffany. I don't know if she gets that from I have no idea when it was really all of her. She's the one that started it all. That's great. I grew up we didn't not

talk about sex at all. Yeah. Yeah, And I as a mother now I have two teenage daughters, I made sure that it is a big open discussion all the time in our house because I don't think it serves the purpose. It doesn't help our kids to not talk about it because then, like I learned stuff from other people my age, and it was not accurate information. Right. So what it teaches you when you don't talk about it is I can't go to you for information, right.

And the beauty of it is, you know, when when a kid is four or five, six, they still think their parents know things. They still think their parents are smart, so they will ask an abundance of questions. But if you wait until that kid is like eleven, twelve, thirteen, fourteen, you know nothing. You are the opposite of smart. There's nothing I want to say to you, and I cringe when you bring it up. So the best time really to inform your kids about sex really is at an

earlier age. You want to inform them prior to them hitting puberty. You want to inform them prior to them needing the information, so that when they do need the information, they're already armed with it. And when they're dumb friends tell them information that, like you said, it's not accurate, they can say no, at any right, you do not put the condom on this way. There's so many adults Ali that don't know how to put on condoms correctly. Well, honey, it's been a long time since I was even in

that position. But first of all, I believe it. The second of all, I wasn't educated. And then I noticed my kids when they were young in middle school, they had this version of sex ad and they got this book called Perfectly Imperfect and it was cartoons right, And to me that was completely wrong because the information was given to them in such a fintile, kind of happy, cartoony way, which it was hard for me to wrap my head around that. But then it was so specific.

There were chapters about anal sex and everything, and I thought, you know what, she's eleven. So there are some things that I think we can wait on. But I do want to start with because this was a myth that I was led to believe for a long time that women don't need sex as much as men. Okay, have you heard that before, because I feel that was drilled into my head when I was like I've definitely heard

versions of that. So the one thing that I think is pretty consistent amongst a lot of us is that, yeah, men's needs are different than women's needs. We've heard, you know, men think with their penises or good girls don't do X, Y and Z. I think it is a myth. I think that everyone's desire for sex, for intimacy, for closeness, whether that's emotional or physical closeness. I think it varies. I think it varies depending on where you are in life.

You know. One of the biggest issues that I see in my practice and with women is low sex desire. And that is something that I would say eighty percent of women at some point in their lives will experience low sex desire. Now that's what the research says, I believe is closer to I'd say at least so that's at some point in their lives. But how much of that is hormones and age exactly? So it could be anything. I often look at it from a biopsycho social perspective,

So I'm looking at their biological causes. So let's say it's a medication that you're taking, which might be a temporary thing, right, or perhaps antidepressants famously, right absolutely, or your having some hormonal challenges, or you're depressed for some other reason. But in general, a lot of people who are experiencing depression or anxiety or O c D or fatigue, not being able to sleep, sometimes they don't want to

have sex. The bigger bubble, though, is social interaction. When I say social, I'm thinking about relationship challenges, right, So if you have a partner that you don't like, whether that's in the moment or just in general, you may not want to have sex with them. So there are so many different factors that can impact that. Now, for men, that social realm is a little bit different, and even I think sometimes the psychological men's brain chemistry. And I am not the m D here, so I'm not gonna

be able to talk to in depth about brain chemistry. Well, I'm not smart enough to go up, so let's keep it about sex. Let's go So in general, a lot of men, they don't care that they're overwhelmed at work. They don't care that there are fifteen chores going on in the house. They don't care that we just had an argument. They still want to have sex. So they're able to compartmentalize all of the things that they have going on, and sex is like, it doesn't matter if

the world is ending, that's what I want. We as women tend to um one. We are natural multitaskers, right, and we also are thinking about so many things at one time. We're not just thinking about our kids. We're thinking about the work that we have to get done. We're thinking about the work that we didn't get done. We're thinking about the laundry. We're thinking about the soccer match that has to happen, and who's going to pick up who from carpool and all of these different things.

And so when we are overwhelmed and when we are thinking about so many things, sometimes sex is not the thing that is top of mind for us because we're stressed out about so much. So it's not that women think about sex less or want sex less or need sex less. I think we prioritize sex a little bit differently. It's times right. I also think too, that particularly with

women and men, and women women and men men. But what happens when one partner is able to compartmentalize better than the other is it starts to become the currency of the relationship. Meaning I've known a lot of women and men who use sex to get other things they want. It happens. There's the theory that the person with the lowest sex desire in the relationship is the one who has the most control, because that person takes whether or

not we have sex. In most relationships, the person who says no, I don't feel like it, I don't I'm not doing it until you do X, Y, and Z, they exercise an amount of power and control that outweighs the other partner. I don't think it is wise. I don't think it's a useful tool. No, no, no, no no. I think there are better ways to get your needs men, and to get things done. We're going to take a short break and we'll be right back. Welcome back with more.

Go ask Ali. One of my teenagers asked me once, Mom, why would anyone ever have anal sex? And I said, for jewelry, sweetheart. But but I want to go back to what you were saying about how women multitask they have so much in their minds, because one of the things I've heard from my girlfriends and from women over the years is that they disconnect a lot during sex and they have a hard time connecting back to their partner.

And I'm I've been guilty of that too. I mean, do you have any doctor advice about how we bring our minds back to our bodies? Is it bury breathing as a start, So if someone is disconnecting, then my initial thought is, okay, well, what is it that you're disconnecting from? Is it? And it could be anything like, you know what, his breath is awful, and if I have to sit there and smell that the whole time, like I cannot be present for that, I have to

you know what I mean? Things like that. It's just like, okay, well, let's talk about listery because it comes in a really big container, like we can get some if that's what's needed, and a scraper. Yes, So it could be something as simple as that, or it could be you know what, I've been faking it for so long. He thinks he's doing a great job, and the reality is I just really want him to get this over with as soon as possible, and so we have to figure out the why,

Like why am I not connected to this? Is it because I've fallen out of love with this person? Is it because sex does not interest me? Especially in the way in which we're doing it. We've been doing it in the same position, in the same bed and the same you know, routine for years and I'm board with it? What is it? Too often? I think that we leave it up to our partners to figure out how to get us to check back in without even telling them

that we're disconnected. But don't you think women have been programmed to be pleasers and that listen to I. I bet a hundred percent of women you talked to have said at one point in their life they've faked orgasm or they've faked pleasure because we're taught that the pleasure is not for us exactly right. Sex is something that we do to pro create or to please our partner, but it's not necessarily something that we do because we enjoy it. And that is a myth that we really

do need to dispel. I think that that needs to be your job going forward, Ali, you got my job is all okay? Let me just clear it with my family. This is my cause. But when you look at Darwinism and you look at survival of the fittest and everything, you know, men their jaw, it's to spread their seed throughout the land. Right to just make as many babies

as it can. We incubate for nine months. So just those two things are enough physiologically to kind of understand why men and women are so different when it comes to sex, this real, basic, fundamental thing of what we're supposed to be doing on earth, I think, and I think that that is part of why women don't see themselves and don't allow themselves to be the kind of

sexual beings that they can. Right, we don't tend to give ourselves permission to be sexual, to enjoy sex too, to just need and want an orgasm, you know, in one after all we've been through. I agree, we deserve an orgasm. Cis I deserve to like sex? You know? I know you deserve it. I agree, And I have to say that, you know, I'm guessing while you were growing up you didn't talk about masturbation. Oh yeah, no, because it's dirty and self indulgent that I know. No,

we don't either, But as I got older. I've never told anybody this, but when I was in college, I had never had an orgasm. Like I was sort of like, what, I don't quite get sex, but that's how you kind of keep a guy or a girl or whoever are they. And my roommate in college was like, what, you've never had an orgasm? I said, no, but I'm fine. I'm fine with it, like I don't need it. I like

carrot cake. And she said, go and take a bath right now, and lie back and put your legs up and let the water flow on your vagina and I'll talk to you later. And I was like, no, that's gross. I kept laughing it off. I wouldn't do it, and she marched me in there and left. I came out twenty minutes later, all flushed, and she let me a cigarette. But I just had no idea. I mean, I had no concept of what desire was. I'd read romance novels. I had no idea what they were talking about. And

then I thought, well, this is great. There's nothing wrong with this that you know. The devil didn't come through the drain. You know, I didn't have a freak accident. I do think that understanding it as a young woman and a girl and having positive messages about it, you know, you end up nurturing that sexual part of yourself. Yeah. Absolutely, I was a late bloomer that way, but yeah, and I think many of us are right because I do

think it is important. And granted, when we talk about sex education and educating our our kids, we're talking about

age appropriate information. So the information I would give my four and five year old is very different than I would give my loving year old, which is very different than the talk I might have with my seventeen or eighteen year old getting ready to go off to college and have a roommate convinced her to lift her legs up right, So the conversation is completely different dependent upon

the age. But as our kids get older and as we grow into womanhood and start to really think about sex from a pleasure perspective as opposed to like a performance perspective, I love to tell women that they are in charge of their own orgasm, that it is up to them whether they orgasm or not, and just thinking about that, like, I am in charge of my own orgasm, So if I don't have one, it's either because I don't want to have one, or because I haven't advocated

for myself with my partner in order to get one, or it is because you know, things aren't working in the way in which I need them to in order to get myself there, whether that means I'm mentally blocking some things or disconnected from from what's happening and I'm not able to But I think the more that we empower women to be in charge of their orgasm and say, you know what, this, I enjoy this, I deserve this, I want to have this, and I'd love to have multiple,

please and thank you. The time is now. The time is now for that to happen. And there are so many ways, like whether you're partnered or not, there are so many ways for us to be able to reach our orgasmic potential. You know, I had a I have a group of girlfriends and we once went away for a few days away from the relationships and the kids

and everything, and we were talking about sex. And it was fascinating to me because there were the married women and the conversation always starts with how often do you and your significant other APSEX? And so you know, somebody's like I don't know, once every six months and everyone goes, what Then somebody else says, I don't know, four times a week, you know, and immediately everyone's going like, what,

what's wrong? What? What? How? How helly the pair? And then we got into our own pleasure and we all like had such a really open thing. And the women were so relieved, you know what I mean, because we've all kept it so secretive and it's not something that we talk about at all, and so to get together and really talk about it in a real way was so empowering to me. I think it's so helpful for

women to have discussions it is. It is because we lack the basic historically, lack the basic education around it growing up. Like I often say that your parents are your first sex educators, right, so when you think about it first, and this is probably going to piss a few people off, but like, the first masturbation that kids typically have is actually in the womb. There have been ultrasound photos of little babies playing with their genitals in utero,

so that happens early on. They don't sexualize it, right, All they know is that this feels good. But as they get older and a baby, let's say a baby is putting their hand in their diaper to stimulate their genitals. Again, they don't sexualize it. And what do we do as parents We tap their hand or we say don't do that, or you know, good girls, don't or put that thing away, or that is sex education. You're teaching them about their bodies and what their their bodies are made for and

what they should do. As they get older. We start naming body parts, and we start telling them where those things go and where it is appropriate for them to touch themselves and when it's appropriate for them to touch themselves. And for some of us, it was never going to

be appropriate for them to do that. So what you're dealing with as adults when we start to have these kind of sister circles or meetings of the minds as women is all of the layers of things that our parents did and or didn't teach us, what our friends told us that may or may not have been true, and even just formal education. When we look at sex education in this country, historically, the only programs that were federally funded were abstinence only programs, So they weren't teaching

you anything about how to have safe sex. They were just teaching you that the safest way to have sex is to abstain from it, Well, that doesn't teach us anything right and makes it much harder. It makes it much harder. And so I think when we think about it from that perspective, the more age appropriate information that we can give our young people, the better able they are to protect themselves, to be safe when they do have sex, and the more pleasurable their sexual experiences will

be for themselves and for their partners. I completely agree. I remember I had a mom friend and her daughter in the car seat, you know, she was a toddler, would like rub up and down on the car seat and have an orgasm. And I remember that she used to like get really upset and freaking. You know, she was just like, oh my god, stop that, stop it. And I remember even thinking they're even after my own education, like stop, you know what I mean, stop screaming at her.

And I could see then like this is not going to have positive consequences. Yeah, and we have to have the conversation, right, So the kid needs to know, Okay, you know what your body, girl might not be appropriate to do that during math class, but hey, if you're in the bathroom. You know what handled your businesses. There's always a time and a place where. And I think the way that we react as parents, they ingest that that is a lesson in and of itself, and it

tells them don't do it in front of mom. It doesn't say don't do it, just don't do it in front of its exactly because I don't need that reaction. I had one of my daughters come them from school and she said, what's with the blow job? And I thought, oh God, now I'm gonna have to describe it. You know, That's what I thought she was asking me, And I said, what do you mean? And she goes, I don't get it. What's in it for the girl? And I thought, I never thought of it that way when I was a teenager,

you know what I mean. I just it never occurred to me that I was part of the equation. I love it. I love that question too, because here's what that tells me. I love that she is able to come to you and ask you these questions because she knows she's going to get a truthful answer, or at least you will give her some perspective. But what I love the most is what I think that most parents, most of us should do is to ask our kids

what they already know or what they mean by the question. So, if a kid is coming to you, no matter what age, right, if they ask it five years old, what's up with the blow jobs? You know, I want to know what they've been exposed to and how they even know that language and what they're really asking exactly. So that's you know, number one, asked them what they already know. You will

be surprised when your kids start asking you questions. They're asking you because they've heard something, they've read something, they saw something on YouTube, they have some sort of information and they're trying to make sense of it. So the more that we can clarify those things for them, the better. And I think particularly for girls, the more we have conversations about sex, the pleasure of it, as well as

what consent is, what's okay and not okay? You know, I didn't know it wasn't okay for a boy to push me down, or if I've had too much to drink. I didn't know that I could say no. So that's sort of all part of the thing. In fact, my girls and I taught them a really dumb song, but it goes, oh no, don't you dare, that's my no no square, and we sing it because I just want them when they go out to a party, just like have that in your head, like you do what you

want to do? No school? Yeah, oh no, don't you dare? That's my no no square. All right, So let's talk about um. I want to talk about singles, maybe because it's a vicarious thing for me because I've been married for twenty years. But people that are out in the world single, looking for sex, looking for pleasure, I'm curious what you think red flags are. Meaning I have a girlfriend single, was dating a man. He seemed great on paper,

you know, educated, the whole thing. He could not experience pleasure without S and M. And she could not continue with the relationship because she was not attracted to a man who could only be pleased by being submissive. Gotcha. And now that's an area of sex I don't know much about. But what happens when you're sort of really like somebody and their sexual fetishes or their sexual desires freak you out. Yeah, So it's not uncommon for people

to be sexually incompatible. We all come into relationship right with our own baggage, with our own sexual history, with our own values and is ms that we've already kind of decided in our minds. And some of us come into it with our own history of kinky behavior or things that we're attracted to or turn us on, whether

they're weird or not, So that is not uncommon. What I find to be troubling is when you are partnered with someone or you're trying to make that type of relationship work, when you're for you know truly that this does not turn me on, and in fact, it turns

me off. You can have a wonderful person, a very nice human being, who is attracted or aroused by something that is a complete turn off to you, and that will be the detriment of that relationship, and that is okay, there is someone else out there that is better suited for them. For a lot of people, sex is kind of a bottom line kind of issue where if we can't have it in this type of way, or if this is what I need in order to feel fulfilled in my romantic relationship, if I can't have this, then

it may not work. I think it's important to know that early on, though, I mean do you think that if somebody, if two people are starting to date and it's very clear that they have very different ideas about sexuality and pleasure, that it will work itself out in the future. It could. It really does depend on the couple and how much they actually like each other outside of the bedroom. It is common for individuals to not

like the same things all the time. So one of the things that I will ask couples to do is kind of create some sort of always sometimes a neverlist when there is this big discrepancy in in what they like sexually, so you're always list. You know, would be things like, no matter what, I'm always down for giving a blowjob, right, I always will do that. You don't even have to ask. It's gonna happen every time we

have sex. Sometimes might be like anal sex, like I don't really like it, not my thing, but you like it. Sometimes I'll do it, but just don't expect it every night. And then there's the never category, which I'm really not into, you know, spanking, I'm not into s and m I'm

not into being tied up. Please don't ever do that to me, because if you do, I'm out and being able to like spell those things out for yourself and be able to have some communication with your partner about what it is you like, you dislike, what you will always sometimes and never do. I think that that is so helpful and it puts it out there so that we don't have to keep going over it and you don't have to keep asking me to do something that you know good and well I'm not gonna do or

that I hate doing. You don't think that takes away from the sexiness and romance of it. I don't. I don't.

I don't personally. Now do you feel that way at it? Well, I'm just thinking I'm actually thinking about it myself because I don't think I've ever had that specific conversation with my husband, but I wonder now we must have had bits of it over the years, because we do know what we like, don't like, we'll do, don't do yeah, And he may know, like there's this line like she my wife is not doing that, you know what I mean?

You know, there are some things that they just know he knows really big and they've accepted that and it's not a deal breaker for them. So the difference is for some people those red line items maybe deal breakers for them, and we have to let people be okay with that. Okay, that's a deal breaker for you, all right?

Then by you know exactly, it's okay for me to walk away from that, because what I don't want is to compromise myself to feel awful about having done something that at my core I was just like I'm disgusted or now I'm disconnecting from this person because I feel like they're making me do something that they already know I hate doing, like walking them around on a leash. I get it. Yeah, not really turned on. So I want to talk about anal sex. Yeah, let's talk about it.

What do you need to know? Because it's one of those taboo things. It's always out there and it is and again this might be a complete cliche, but I feel like men love it. Women either hate it or tolerate it. And I've gotten into arguments with men who are like, no, No, I've known women that loved anal sex, and I go, that is a lie. That's a lie. They wanted you to marry them. They were just hyper needy. It's not true. But I need a doctor's opinion on this. Okay,

anal sex does not have to suck. Okay, it does not have to be awful. And there are some people out there, male and female identify that do appreciate, love it, and or crave it. There are some people who hate it and never want to experience it, have no interest. So here's the key. Let me give you the key. There are two things that are necessary for anal sex to be tolerable and or enjoyable for people who feel

as though they will never like it and or enjoy it. Alright, So number one relax, Oh okay, so three who relaxed for sure? Um? So number two would be lube. Right. So, the vagina right around the corner from the anus right lubricates itself. Is a self cleaning oven. It is a frost free refrigerator. It does all the things it needs to do to prepare itself for int Okay, the anus does not lubricate itself, does not do that, will not

do that. So you have to provide some lubrication. My recommendation in terms of lubrication for anal sex is a silicone based lubricant because it is thicker, it has more staying power. A lot of people will try like a water based lubricant. Because that's what they have. But it's water based, which means it's going to dry out faster. And because the anus does not lubricate itself, you really want something that's going to be a little bit thicker and that will stay for a while. So that's like

the first thing. Making sure you have the right lubricant on board and a lot of it. Do not be cheap, and do not be skimpy. Okay, this is not the time to cut corners. We need all the loop costco size, yes, gosco. So that's number one. The second thing, and I think this is the part where people, I hate to say get stuck, but where is not good for folks. So the person who is receiving needs to be the one

that is in control. Oftentimes the person that is giving is the one who is doing the thrusting and the pushing and the and all of that. Now, the problem with that is the person that is receiving is the one that has the anus, and the tissue around the anus is very thin. There's lots of nerve endings there, but the tissue is very thin. The person who is receiving should be the person doing the bulk of the movement. Back and forth and should be controlling that thrusting because

they're the one that knows how that feels. The person who is giving doesn't know that this is hurting you, or the angle or the pressure or any of that. They don't know that. All they know is that it feels good to them. And what happens when they get lost in the pleasure of that which they are we talking the thruster? Okay, you know, I feel so good?

They can get lost in it. They can. So this is a conversation that we have before as opposed to after or during that We're going to talk about control here, and I will be the one in control. And if I feel like you know, I may have to snap you out of it or pull back or pull you out if I can't be in control of this situation, because I'm the one with the anus that's getting rubbed raw, and I'd like for that not to happen. Now, do you have a lube in your arsenal of things that

you make? Do you make a loube yourself? You know what? Alie? I am working on that. Are you really good? I am? I am? I'm working with a developer and a chemist right now. But what I do recommend a lot is Liquid. It is a brand of of lubricant that is natural and organic. We all have become a lot more conscious of what we put in and on our bodies. I really like their products. I also like Good Clean Love. They make fabulous lubricant And for individuals that have like

skin irritations, that's just so important to me. The last thing you want after sex is irritation, because then it makes you regret the experience and not want to do it again. Absolutely, and this is a whole other podcast topic, but people that come in to a sexual relationship with trauma that also informs a lot of it. But if you've had an experience where there's trauma, where there's even physical trauma, it does affect the future of your sex life.

It definitely affects how you proceed and and it's sad in some ways because you come in with the expectation that the other person is either going to do the same thing, re traumatize you, or won't be sensitive to it.

And it doesn't necessarily have to be the case. I think again, just as we're responsible for our own orgasms, were also responsible for our own healing, and sometimes that healing process start with just like naming it, putting it out there and saying, hey, this happened, I'd like for it not to happen again. And so here's how we're gonna proceed. Now, A quick word from our sponsors. Welcome back to go ask Gali. Let's get back to the discussion. I wanted to talk to you about this particular thing

that I've seen more and more talking about lubricants. I've gotten gift boxes of like designers sex gels and and suddenly, you know, celebrities, Gwyneth Palco, people are designing vibrators. There seems to be this huge renaissance about like, let's be sexual and let's not be shy about it. And I know that you have products as well. Have you noticed that just the landscape in terms of a coutra mall has changed in the last few years. I certainly have. Yeah.

So I think what we're starting to see now is people, especially women, becoming hyper aware that many of the toys, many of the loubes, many of the things that have been offered to us have been what men wanted us to have and not what we ourselves have felt like. This is what I need. This is how I want to be sexual. You know, I have my own thoughts about it. I do think that we have to be very very informed when we are recommending certain products to go on or in our bodies. I think we have

to be very responsible about that. Just because the celebrity endorses it doesn't mean that they've used it in or that it's something that's safe to use in the way in which they're telling you to use it. That's my biggest challenge is that as these products are coming out, just making sure that like there are some things that I'm like that doesn't need to go into the vagina like I would never you know, what about coconut oil, because I hear that a lot coconut all is fine.

You just have to know whether or not you are because some people they have an adverse reaction like coconut oil. I'm like, you put that on everything, It's yeah, girl, But some people they don't job Their skin doesn't drive the coconut oil. So you've got to know that about yourself and just not think that it should be good. It's good for my hair, it's gonna be good down there too, you know. But for some people it does

evaporate and melt into the skin rather quickly. Like I think it's a great used for like a massage oil, or to add it to a massage oil or something like that. As a lubricant, I think I would recommend something with a little bit more staying power for sure. And it can change the pH of the vagina, so we want to make sure that whatever it is, again, if you're putting in or on, that you're going to have a healthy vagina afterwards. I like that for you. Ali, Listen,

that's why I don't do bath bombs anymore. Chemical and color, yes, so that's the same thing. Then they sell them to all the little girls and then all the little girls are running around with red vaginas exactly. And I have a six year old who wants a bath bomb so bad somebody will gift her one in every birthday basket or whatever. And I'm like, girl, I wish you could, but no, I don't want to let you leave without talking about marriage because I've been married for twenty years

and I have a very healthy sex life. I don't know what the special sauces, but I'm totally still attracted to my husband, and I think vice versa. But you know, there are moments where I go like, I need somebody to give me advice on how to make it even better, and I, you know, I read things. Of course, there's the cliche stuff. I we're not going to role play. I'm not going to dress up as his nurse. But do you have patients that come to you and say, you know, I want this to be exciting for the

next fifty years? Absolutely? How do I do that? Yeah? So one of I think the best indicator of what would make your partner happy is asking your partner. And you probably have the type of partner that will say, oh, no, I'm very happy, I'm fine, everything's great. Yeah, I know it is. I'd like to keep it that way. So what is it that we haven't done that you would like to do? Oftentimes we ask our circle, or we ask other people outside of our relationship what can I

do to spice things up right? And they don't They've not slept with your partner, I hope not, you know, but that we know in my circle anymore of that. So I think the first thing that we do, or that I encourage people to do, is to talk to their partner, like, what is it that I'm doing or not doing that could be better. Perhaps it's the way in which we do oral sex. Maybe it's that once a month we start going to a hotel and doing

any there. And this is another tip to Sometimes people report like their sexual relationship and their intimacy was so hot and so steamy when they first met got together, and then it fizzles a Well, let's think back to what made it so hot and heavy, what with some of the things that we used to do back then. Let's recreate those moments. The only thing to remember is that four play begins well before we ever have sex,

you know, before that night even starts. So if there are things that turn you on during the day or that get your mind going in that direction earlier on, like let's start that, you know, be neck and when he comes home, things like that have on your apron and just bawl a brownie batter okay, and be ready. Those are the types of things that are unexpected that maybe don't happen on a normal day, or maybe they do. I don't know, brownies are baked by the time he

gets home. But it's funny because when you say be naked, I feel like a lot of people, men and women, when they don't feel sexy themselves, if they're overweight, and believe me, during this year in the pandemic, people have just been eating bread and cheese and they don't feel sexual. And I know, for me, when I feel good physically, I'm more apt to be at the front door naked. If I feel gross about myself, then forget it. I mean forget sex in general. But I'm certainly not going

to be naked at the front door. And the reality is he doesn't care, I know, and he doesn't. They don't. They don't care. He chases me around, you know, he pulls up my skirt no matter what I look like. But I think it's a self issue. And that's the thing that we have to keep in mind. To Alley, is like we talk ourselves out of so much when we think about it. We would like to be more sexual, we look like to have that moment of being chased around.

But I've decided because I don't look the way that I think that I should look, that I'm just not going to do it right. Whereas he's like tongue hanging out. I want you, no matter what you look like, feel like I just I just give me some of that. And I'm like, I haven't showered, I haven't shaved my legs, I know. But also I wanted to to end with this idea of because it's something that's very sort of

relevant in my life. It's something I talk about with my friends, which is middle aged women and on there's a and listen, this is what the media tells women that your sexual shelf life's over. And I feel like I fight that a lot. I'm like, I've never felt so empowered sexually more than I am right now. And don't say vaginal atrophy and don't throw all those words at me, because I don't feel whatever it is that it seems on paper. Meaning I had a vari insist.

I had to have my ovaries out and and everyone's like, oh, you're going to go into menopause or you're gonna lose your sexual drive, oh this, oh that, And I was like, uh uh no, I'm not. I'm going to make a conscious effort and I'm not going to. And I don't think that women should just sort of hang up their sexual hats because we're at a certain age. There's no need, there's no not to right, No it's a choice. It's a choice, and there's so many you know, medical advancement,

there's so many toys. There's so many different things that we can do to be sexual. And you know, sex tends to be for a lot of people a very goal oriented behavior, like we're looking for the orgasm, the payoff at the end, and when you do that, you're not really enjoying the things that happen all throughout, like a process. Yet you're not enjoying the process. You're not

there for the moments that actually get you there. There's a lot of fun stuff that happens before the orgasm if you're doing it right and if you're with the right person and just being present and enjoying that moment letting go I have. You know, one of the more common things that I see, in addition to low sex desires, women who say that they've never had an orgasm where

they can't orgasm. And what I will say today is in general, when I find someone who says that they've never had an orgasm, what I what I ask is are you able to orgasm with toys? When they say, yes, I can orgasm with toy, but I can't do it with my partner. That tells me that the plumbing is actually working right. You can have an orgasm. We have to figure out why you can't have them with your husband or your partner or your lover, whomever this is.

And there could be so many reasons. While I do encourage people to use toys if that's what they want to do, people are also becoming more dependent on them for their sexual pleasure and for orgasms. I mean, don't vibrators. I've read that you can be that women get used to that high intensity of vibrations from vibrators and because of it, consequently they aren't able to have an orgasm

without having that intensity. Yeah, so your your partner's penis isn't gonna twirl around, It doesn't have beads in it, it doesn't have the rabbit head, and all of those speak for yourself, like so all of us aren't that blessed. So that's not necessarily going to happen. So we have to watch the right. But the other thing is when you become so dependent, it is a form of being more disconnected and pulling away from your partner because your

partner can't do that. And so I've heard a lot of women say that, you know, I'll just have sex with my partner and then I finished myself off afterwards, and I'll get the vibrator out afterwards. So one of the solutions that I have for that is we need to start using couples toys. There are toys that you use with your partner so that they are engaged in this process too and you're not, so they're not left out.

So there are plenty of couples toys out there, whether it's vibrating cock rings or dual toys where you would insert those into the vagina, but your partner would feel them as he inserts inside of you, and he would have that vibration too, and so it becomes the situation where you both are enjoying the toy as opposed to you just enjoying it separately. So there are so many things that you can do. Is that the most common thing you've heard women say, I can't have an orgasm

with my partner. Most common is the low sex desire. But yeah, if they can't have an orgasm, when they just say nope, never ever able to have an orgasm. I've never been able to do that. I'm fifty years old. I've had sex plenty times, but I can't. What I know to be true in my work with women over the years has been those women tend to have difficulty letting go in many areas of their life. It's not

just the bedroom, it's all over the place. So is that works with their families is they have to control everything. And orgasm in and of itself, ladies, is just about letting go, about being able to say, I release control and I'm gonna let this thing take over me and just enjoy this experience. And so the closer that we can get to being that person outside of the bedroom, it will help us inside the bedroom too. And that's

where breathing and meditation and and things like that. Mindfulness come into play and do help out in the bedroom of being able to just basically dump all the contents of all those things that we worry and care about in our brain out so that we can be present in this moment, really connect with what's happening to our bodies, and being able to have the best orgasmic experiences of our lives. Well, if there's a time to end this podcast, it is right there. Thank you so much. Was this

was so fascinating. Yeah, it was for me too. I learned a lot about you. God, I know I didn't cover it up enough. I loved it. I think the sexual climate is starting to change. We're talking about it more, We're talking to future generations about it more, and it's just no longer that hush hush conversation. And I think, particularly for women, it's time for us to rise up and own our sexuality, own our pleasure, own our orgasms,

own the whole damn thing. I know that as a younger woman, when I had my first sexual experience, I ended up in the emergency room because I was bleeding, and I thought that was it. Sex was not for me. It was painful, it was horrific. And I'm happy to say that over the years sex has gotten better and

more fulfilling and more full of love. And I think it's so important, particularly for women now, to discuss our sexuality and to own our orgasms and our desires, and especially for future generations talking to our children, you know, age appropriate about our bodies and about sex and about what it all means. It's so important. So again, let's

talk about sex. Baby. Thank you for listening to go ask Alli join me next week for my conversation with financial whiz and host of the podcast Journey to Launch, Shamila sou Front. Ladies, did you know that You're wired to be amazing? With money catching? Ka ching ka ching?

Cash in on this one. Be sure to subscribe, rate and review the podcast and follow me on social media on Twitter at Ali e Wentworth and on Instagram at the Real Ali Wentworth And if you have questions or guest suggestions, I'd love to hear from you, call or text me at three to three three six four six three five six or email Go Ask Gali podcast at gmail dot com. Go Ask Gali is a production of

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