Next Chapter Dating w/ Chantal Heide

mad about is you. You actually look for those little colonels of hope. Yeah, well that's that's a good stuff. I think it is a good stuff, and I think we need a good stuff. Always Welcome to Go ask Allie. I'm Ali Wentworth and this season I'm digging into everything I can get my hands on, just peeling back to layers and getting dirty. I don't know about you, but I have a bunch of friends who are getting divorced right now. Some have children, some don't, some are four

at the summer sixty. We've also been getting a lot of calls and emails from listeners, so you got it. This episode is about dating over the age of forty now I'm knocking on wood. I've been married for over twenty years, and so far, so good, and I have a very strong feeling I will be with him till I die. But I have had other friends who have not had that kind of good luck, and I see them now. My gosh, I just saw a friend of mine. She came over to my apartment before she went on

her first app date, and she was shaking. Her hands were shaking, and she kept saying, I don't know how to do this. I don't know how to do this. And I said, of course you don't know how to do this. You've been with the same person for twenty five years. This is all new territory for you. And as she walked out the door to go meet him at some Italian restaurant, I thought, thank god, it ainate me. But also I wouldn't know how to date right now. I would have no idea how to be my age.

Let's call it fifty and be out in the world looking for a partner. So to all the people out there over forty dating, this one's for you. My guest today is the right person for this conversation. Chantel Hyde is an author and expert on dating and relationships. Her twelve books and workbooks are meant to guide people through all the sticky stuff to get a meaningful relationship. Her two best sellers are No More Assholes, which deals with the mate vetting process, and Fix That Ship, which focuses

on emotional healing. She's also the author of Comeback Queen, Make a Triumphant Return to Dating after Divorce, which well, seems pretty self explanatory. She mixes science and spirituality for the basis of her expertise. Chantal Hide, Hello, Ali, Hello, thank you so much for being here. I know that you're due for a make out with your husband any time now, so thank you for giving me the time. It's kiss o'clock at five o'clock. Okay, got it, got it.

So I'm sort of contemplating this whole idea of dating over forty and not for myself, but I have suddenly found that so many of my friends are getting divorced, are divorced, some haven't been married yet. Now, when I was first dating my husband George, dating apps weren't really a thing. This is over twenty years ago, so I never experienced the dating app situation. You know, everybody that got into relationships met because somebody set them up, or they met somebody at a bar, and now it's a

completely different world. And I have one very good friend who just got out of a twenty five year marriage who's never been on a dating app, and she's pulling her hair out. I don't know which app to go on. I don't know what I'm looking for. So you are here to guide all the women and men over forty in this new world dating in your next chapter or your second half of your life. I am guiding them, honestly, from teenage years until seventies. You know, people, last Is

this for me if I'm gay? Is this for me? If I'm younger, if I'm twenties, is for me if I'm sixty? And I say yes, because it's logic, and logic is ageless, and logic doesn't care who you love. Well, that's good because I haven't eighty eight year old mother who just went to independent living and somebody slipped a little note under her door, and I thought, well, it's never too late, right. It is rampant in these homes, by the way, because listen, this is like, this is it,

This is our last chance? And here I am alone again, maybe we have a lot of widows, a lot of widowers, and they're not dead yet, and they're going, hey, like, I still have some life in me, and I still have some love to give, and I still have a desire for affection. So they're very much seeking each other out in nursing homes. No, I would think opanionship is really key. You know, I would want it to my last breath, for sure. So let's pretend that I've recently

had a very difficult divorce. And let me ask you, Chantel, do you tell people who are divorced to wait and at any point before they start dating. So here's the thing. There's no required grieving period. There's no required shelving yourself after a breakup. More often than not, a breakup or a divorce is a formality. The relationship has already been over. Yes, I would say that about my parents because I was one when they got divorced, and I can't imagine that

I wasn't cute enough to keep them together. And of course I found out years later they were not in a good place even before I was conceived. But okay, so I'm let's say fifty, and I don't know where to start because everybody I know is married, so how am I going to meet my partner? So dating apps a great place because it brings in a science we call the law of averages, which means, if it's going to be a hundred people, if you need to meet a hundred people before you meet your one, If you're

meeting one person a week, it takes you longer. If you meeting one person a day, it takes you less time. If you're exposing yourself to tend people a day, it takes you less time. Whatever your magic number is, the more out there you get, the faster you get to your person. When you say exposing yourself to tend people, I'm assuming that doesn't mean showing your boy. I read your mind. I've read your mind. I saw that flash through your brain right there. But what do you mean

like just just doing an online hello? How are you like a greeting? Getting online and creating a presence. And I understand that the biggest challenge to people online, especially women, and especially women who have spent twenty five years in a relationship and are now coming into this environment is this scammer and the guys who are fishing for sex people who don't want a relationship but are just looking

for hook ups. And so what we need to do is understand how to facilitate online dating for women because it can be so very overwhelming. The guys are looking for anybody, and so if you go online, you are guaranteed to get a lot of people who are just looking for sex. And so one thing that I teach women how to do is how to create a profile that signals very clearly I am relationship minded. Because often we think I have to look pretty, I have to

look sexy in order to attract somebody. But you are attracting the ones who were looking for a hook up, maybe not necessarily the ones who are looking for a relationship. And so if you portray yourself not sexy, but doing something you want to do with the person you want to be with. I want to travel with my future partner, I want to go camping, I want to go to baseball games because I'm a fan of a particular team. Show yourself doing what you want to do with your partner.

Because we want to create familiarity, we want to create connection with that first picture, not I'm wanting to be looked at. It's look at me. I want somebody to do this with. And the person who is looking for a partner looking through pictures that initial picture, they're gonna say, oh, I do that and she's cute. I want to do that with her. Let me read her bio. And then what we do is we create a bio that is kick ass. It makes them smile. They love who they

are in their bio. And so once you've selected that picture, that's not a sexy picture, but you're doing what you want to do with your future partner, and you add some more in there. This is me cute, this is a body shot, like show them who you are. But that initial picture shouldn't be a thirst trap. When they get into your bio and they read your bio, it should trigger more in them. And so the next step for women is don't respond to anybody who doesn't make

it obvious that they've read your bio. This is how we eliminate wasting time with the copy pasts. And one of the things that I said, I have a lot of isms, shuntile isms, and something that I say is I'm not looking for somebody's looking for somebody. I'm looking for somebody who's looking for me. And so if you only reply to the people who respond to what you wrote in your bio, you understand I think this person is looking for me. How do you decide which which

app to go on? I mean, bumble the harmony grinder. My advice is to get on as many dating apps as you can handle. But because you're following the rule of only replying to people who make it obviously read your profile and not wasting your time with anybody else, you are reducing the amount of time you spend on

each one. Okay, all right, that's good to know. Um. So, since you kind of, you know, delved into this world of maybe they want you for sex, I worry about that too, because there was something out certain women I've met, certain shows that I watched, and I think older women who are particularly lonely, are susceptible to that kind of swindling, you know, which basically men or women who come in and are able to get a great amount of money out of you while they kind of pull out your

heart strings, you know, they get you invested in the relationship, they tell you they love you, and then suddenly you're writing them checks. These are predators and they prey on people who are weak, and weak people in my language are people who don't have a strong tribe, who don't have people in their life who go, oh, I'm seeing some red flags that you're not seeing. Just you need

to not go down this particular route. And so I wrote a book called Fake Left Me Not Apply because I want people to understand that there's posers, losers, gammeras, predators, catfish out there who will take advantage of you. It's important to not fall for somebody long distance. It's it's it's going to happen for some of us for sure, but try not to because we crave companionship. That's why we're looking for love, and companionship is somebody who can

be in our life to comfort us. Is somebody who can be with us and go to dinner with us, and cuttle with us and watch a movie. To me, I think the romantics have a tendency the idealism of companionship and relationships. They seem to be more susceptible to, Oh, I'm in love and I'll give him everything or her everything.

Is it the romantics or is it the lonely who are more susceptible to falling for people who cannot be close to them because they're thinking, I can't find somebody here, so maybe somebody over there is going to give me the companionship that I want. And then we fall for what I call the castle in the sky, which is the dream that they've created in our mind, the story

that we want to have come true. And I feel like it's really important to not fall for somebody over long distance because we do crave this companionship and we define it as our tribe. The people who are close to us, the people that we can see, we can touch, we can spend time with, we can have a meal with. And if if we're going to fall for somebody over a long distance, then the next protection mode that we should have is to not fall for somebody we can't

face time with. If somebody doesn't have the ability quote unquote here to get on a phone call to do face time with us, then maybe there's a red flag right there. So, speaking of scamming, I have a friend who has been online dating and she started face timing

with somebody. They had a lot in common. They would play scrabble online together while they faced each other, they had wine, and finally when she met him, in person, he was half the size of her, and she was shocked and felt bad that she was that she was kind of being superficial. I guess you know. She got along with him really well, but it's very hard when you meet somebody online and you face time with them to get a real sense of what they look like,

I either height, or their weight or their smell. And she was really taken aback and she felt somehow that he should have told her. And I'm wondering if you hear that a lot. It falls into the category of what we commonly know people want. And it's a common knowledge that women typically want to date somebody who's taller than them because we like to tilt up for the kiss. And it's common knowledge among men that if you're a certain height or lower, you have reduced opportunities with women

because you're not. You know, there's an average height, and you would want somebody to disclose that. Hey, by the way, I five five, yeah, yeah, it's hey. By the way, I mean you always see me from the waist up because we faced time. But hey, by the way, I'm an amputee. Like say, something that is different about you from the norm, And would you say something that's different

about you from the norm right away? Or would you wait to have a few conversations until you felt they really saw you and then you sort of sit and by the way, dot dot dot, I would have a few conversations because I don't think we need to be superficial, but we do need to let people make an educated decision about us. So, like, let's just say it was an STD. And I'm not saying height is an STD. I'm not saying that, but I'm saying there's the norm

and there's outside the norm. If you are outside the norm in any way, shape or form, then disclose that at some point. Wow, the STD thing, how soon should somebody disclose that? I mean in person or online? I think that's an important thing, right. I don't think it's important to disclose until you figure out whether or not you actually like each other. Right, and if you're going to be physical, there's there's a timeline for me with that.

It's um. You know, we we start chatting, we get along well enough, we have a date, we talk about fundamental values, those things that need to align marriage, kids. If we are aligning there, then we talk about the no kissing for three months dating rule. I don't want to kiss a stranger. I don't want to commit to a stranger. If I want to kiss a stranger, I'll go have a hook up. But when I'm choosing a committed, a long term relationship, I'm not going to choose at

the same way I choose a hook up. And if you're on board for the no kissing for three months dating rule, here's something you should know about me. Let's talk about the no kissing dating role that you have. You're saying no one should kiss for three months. Three months seems like a long time to me. I'm saying, I do believe that there is such thing as luck and intuition, and so this is a technique for the people who have had bad luck and don't have good intuition.

And so, like me, one after another, the relationships were bad. It was the you know, the abuser and the cheater, and the cheater for the most obvious of reasons. My mom was abusive. Repeat what's familiar, even if it's wrong for us. And there are so many like me. I

am common. I am so common, And so if you don't have good luck or good intuition, then you need a new method, and that new method is knowledge and insight, and you eliminate a lot of those wrong people with the no kissing for three months dating role because selfish short term thinkers want what they want when they want it. They lack patients, they lack impulse control, and these are the types you need to eliminate when you were looking

for the right partner. What if you are dating somebody and you both feel it, you both want to rip each other's clothes off, then go for it right. Well, here's the thing. If you wait three months for a first kiss and that feeling goes away, it was a flash in the pan. Good thing I didn't kiss them. If it's not a flash in the pan, what happens to that chemistry? You and I both know it builds

and builds and builds and builds and builds. So there seems to be a B C in an a D when it comes to the kiss, the kiss being the great messiah. So tell me about that. Why is there so much importance placed on when the lips touch? Oh my goodness, So there is a subconscious understanding on the mass part that when they get your kiss, they get your exclusivity, and so they want to get that kiss in a s a peep, so you turn away other suitors.

But it doesn't mean they want a relationship. It means they want our bodies and they don't want other people to have access. So the no kissing for three months day to rule will help you eliminate the ones who only want the body, because if they're not getting the body when they want, right, and that's the selfish short term thinker. I want what I want when I want it. If they're not going to get it, then they're going to move on. So we go, thank you for taking

yourself out of the equation. But there's some more to that, and it's fennel ethylamine. So we know oxytocin is the warm fuzzy that happens when we cuddle. We know seratonin is the happy that's um actually produced in our gup by the way, I always eat a healthy whole foods um. And we know dopamine is the reward chemical. And so there's a heightening in this regardless of whether or not we kiss, because mother nature wants us to procreate if

we introduce that kiss. In addition to the heightened oxytocin, serotonin, dopamine when we add fennel ethylamine. When we kiss testosterone, it's carried from the male saliva into the female's mouth. When you get that infusion of testosterone, our heart rate goes up. We produce fennel ethylamine. It is an aphrodisac and amphetamine and an antidepressant. Are you going to put yourself on crack in the presence of somebody that you

don't even know? No, so why are we going to put ourselves in a chemical high that makes us misread flags with people we don't even know when choosing a committed long term partner. That's why prostitutes don't kiss, right if I've learned anything from Julia robertson Pretty Woman, because then you feel too attached emotionally. Kissing is more intimate than sex, and even men will say so yeah, and it's time for a short break. Great, let's get back to it. I want to go back to This is

obviously fun for me. Um. When you see somebody online, at what point is it safe enough to bring them into your home. I don't like to say a certain number of dates because it is a vibe check, but should be you know, like you you've had some chats online, been taxed you back forth, you have some bone conversations. Then you move into beverage in a walk. Okay, beverage in a walk. See I didn't know that. Yeah, okay, public public, public, public, public, public. You do a couple

of those though, that's another vibe check level. During those beveragin walks, you're gonna talk about fundamental values. Are we aligned? Marriage? Kids? If it's not aligned and a story, move on, don't fall for some reason not aligned with what it is that you want for yourself. If they are aligned, then you move into the conversation. But they're no kissing for

three months dayly role? Do they respect me? You would be shocked how many people ghost or just outright disrespect to one moan when she says, I am setting the pace and I'm not going to kiss someone I don't know and then find out their ship. That's not what I want to do. So if somebody doesn't respect a no kissing for three months boundary and the story right, so you know, I would say maybe after six you know,

two beverages in a walk before it get together. So otherwise couple of meals go bowling, they'll catch a show or something, and and just see if they said they respect they no kissing for three months dating rule. Are they trying to get that kiss in? Because if they are, they paid lip service to respect you. They don't actually respect you, So don't go to their house. So it's interesting because I think the older we get, you know,

some of us get very jaded about relationships. And I think the older you get, the more set in your ways you are. And how do you speak to people who are older now? But they want to be in a relationship, So you know, that takes patience, it takes the ability to compromise. And again, the older they get, it's harder to do that, So do it your way.

Who says you have to live together? And this is the beautiful thing that we're seeing emerging is women either saying, look, I'm done with relationships period because I'm done with the bending to fit someone else. I'm done with taking care of other people. I'm done with complicating my life by adding an additional person who needs more time, attention thinking

on my part. And so there's there's those people who are just like, piece out on the whole deal altogether, and then there's people are like, I'm just gonna do it my way, and they have long term relationships, like they met somebody in their fifties there in their eighties. They're not living together, they're not melding households. They're just stay in your house. I'll stay at my house. We'll get together for dinners, We'll have cudle times, will have sex,

will watch Maybes, will do whatever. We'll have sleepovers, but go home. Yeah, that's interesting. I would imagine that. You know, you get used to your alone time where you get to recharge, which in marriage is not always easy. So I think it's great and I've heard a few stories of people that have figured that out, especially when they have kids. Um, which brings me to when you're dating when you're older, chances are that there are children involved, and I have found that kids make it a little

more difficult. They just do they can they can, Okay, So tell me tell me the good of the bad, the ugly about dating if you have kids, or this person you're dating as kids, or you both have kids, right, and so it depends on the age. I came into my husband's life when his kids were eight nine. You know, I'm coaching couples now where the kids are in their twenties, and so it kind of depends on the age, the maturity level, the level of care that the children need.

When they're younger, it's obviously much more. And it also depends on the attitude. Some children really feel like they own their parents and they own their parents resources, and they hate the idea of sharing, and so they could be a distressing part of dating if there is this kind of mentality on the kids part. And there does come a point when as a parent you need to switch your relationship with your children from parent child to

peer peer. And if a parent has not settled this relationship with their children and connected it now on a peer peer level, and the child is still acting like a child, then you can have some issues. If the child is still living at home right the a twenty five year old kid living in the basement, not working, eating mom's food, uh of, or somebody coming in who's worked their entire life and they're seeing this, it is

going to ruffle feathers. And if you can't work it out before you kiss, it's not going to get better after kissing. So there's certainly is room for conversation to work it out and say you know, hey, like this is odd for me to see this, and and I'm wondering what is going to happen to your son eventually? Are they eventually going to spread their wings? Like what is your plan for them? Do you keep saying you need to go but you never follow through on that?

You know? And so you can you can have that disk ship because the point of coming together is building a life together in some way, shape or form. And when you think is the right time for someone to introduce someone they're dating to their kids, because you know, you don't want to do that with everybody you date, because I think that would be overwhelming for a child. So it depends on the age are you bringing home?

Like is the goal to bring home a part of the family or is the goal to find yourself a companion? And you know we're talking a lot about people over forty, So if the goal is like, this is my life, this is somebody for me, and if you don't accept them, that's fine, that's your problem. That's not my problem. As my idult child, you're supposed to be living your independent life and I get to live mine now because I've done my job. I've raised you in into an adult,

and so you get to do your dating. Just make sure you pick a good person, because no child wants to see their parents in a bad relationship. So if you want to cause issues, then just choose a shitty partner. Choose somebody great, and then introduce them on neutral territory. In a neutral way. Is you are a parent of a child, child and you're going to bring home somebody that's going to be part of the family, the introduction needs to be done before the kiss, because your child

needs to be part of the vetting process. Because one thing that I say, here's another is m don't bring home a partner like you bring home a puppy. Hey, kids, look what I got. I'm breaking you a family member. Accept the decision that I made. Yeah, I I actually found in reading about this that there are some kids that can actually make the relationship impossible. I mean, there are kids that can actually cause so many problems it's not worth it to have the relationship. And that's that's

the problem of the parent. And I'm kind of curious when you say that that the child could make it if possible. What age are you thinking about when you say that. Um, the things I've read, they were kind of eight to third Teenah, okay, and we're really cruel to the person who was brought in to the point where that person would say to their partner, look, this

is crazy. It's me or them, like you have to do something, Or if the child was rude, they would go to their partner and say, you know, at what point are you going to step in and say it's not okay to treat me like that? Like those kinds of issues would then become so much for the person who was brought in. They would say this is not worth it. I can't, I can't do this. And this does sound to me like parenting issues. It does sound like the parents should be doing a better job teaching

their children how to be respectful of people. The parents should be bringing home respectful people. And I think maybe a part of the upheaval is what the hell are you doing bringing home a family member without my input? Between eight and thirteen, there's a lot of awareness going on. And so again this is why I say, introduced them in a neutral way, on neutral territory and see how they get along. See like, hey, we're going to the park, my friend Allen's going to meet us. Hey, we're going

to the museum. My friend Tom's going to meet us there. Hey, we're going to the beach. My friend Rick is going to be there too. Don't make love e w eyes at each other, don't touch each other, don't make it obvious you're courting each other in any way, ship or form. You're using the no kissing for three months daily world. Take two months to get to know the person and also make sure that, um, you know, you've met their people, you have vetted them not only through the words they say,

but through their people. Because we are a product to the people we surround ourselves with. If their people aren't awesome, maybe there's a red flag right there. So take two months to get to know them and then introduce some check kids in a nuture way on neutral territory. This is just somebody. People say, Oh, I do want people going in and out of my kids lives. That happens all the time. Doctors, teachers, you know, people that they

go to school with. It's normal. You yourself have friends that come in and out of your This is just a friend. This isn't somebody in their mind that you're looking to start a relationship with because you haven't introduced it as a boyfriend, which means you're not going here. You go deal with my decision. You're going, Hey, we're going out. We're gonna have fun. Some friends are gonna be there, casual and then see how they interact. Right, let them vet with you. Absolutely, we'll be right back

and we're back. Okay. So I have a friend who um got out a very very abusive relationship. I mean, she barely got out alive, and now she's sang to me, I'm on these dating apps. I'm going to start going out and dating. I don't trust my instincts. I don't even know what to say or ask, and I did. I didn't know what to tell her, you know, and

because she's her radar is way off. So what can you say to women that are coming out of what weren't the best relationships of their life and they're trying to start anew but they actually don't know what to look for, don't know what to say. This is what you do? You get her a copy of No More Assholes, which is the book that I wrote for women who are dating. I started off with meditation. I teach you

how to meditate, because Harvard did a study. They have people come in do an MRI scan and sent them home for eight weeks to meditate, brought them back did another MRI scan. When they looked at the two side by side, they saw the brain change shape in two places. A magdala's shrink that's your fight or flight, that stress, fear and anxiety, and the hippocampus increased. That's introspection and compassion.

That is your courage, your self esteem. And this is what she needs because listen to being an abusive situation. You're a magdala is pumping every day out of stress, fear, and anxiety. Her a magdala is too big. She needs to shrink it down to calm her mind and emotions. Because when you're magdala is too big, it's hard to see things properly because your mind is spinning. It's overthinking, it's over anxious, over fearful. So we shrink the magdala,

we call on the mind, we call the emotions. This actually, I mean I believe in spirituality. Like when you think about a friend and a minute later you get a text message from them. That spirituality that is your frequencies connecting. And so when you calm. You're a magdala. You enhance your antenna and now you can send out a better signal, a clearer signal. So then I move them into self assessment because again, when you're an abusive relationship, you're punched down,

punch down, punch down. She needs to rise up because when you are low, you pick from low because you don't know better. And like attracts, like when you elevate yourself, you elevate the quality of the person you will attract and are attracted to. Another step is defining your next relationship. Clarity is key. If you don't know what you're looking for. If you say I'll know when I find it, it's called confusion. Again, like attract slit, you're going to attract

a confused partner. You must define what it is that you're looking for. And I help guide that. And I also clarify the twelve character traits that help people understand the difference between a selfish short term thinker and a generous long term thinker. And I'm talking about the difference between a taker and an abuser and a contributor somebody who will elevate you. Okay, what are these twelve character traits. Oh boy, you're gonna make me give it away. Okay.

So I'm on TikTok all the time and I talked about the twelve character traits, but they go tell me what they are. I say, no, you have to get the book because I want you to have the education. Knowledge is power. But for you, Ali, I'm going to do it. Okay, thank you. So the first one is validation. So do they get their validation from other people, especially women, or do they get their validation from being a good person. So you get a point if it's for being a

good person. No points if it's because you're getting your validation through ego strokes. The next one is jealousy. Are you allowed to have male friends? Again, they don't get a point if they're jealous if you have male friends, Um, you want a partner who's confident. Confidence is key because a healthy relationship has freedom, and they need to be confident enough to not try and control you. I need to control what you wear, where you go, who you see.

Another one is appearances. So are they flashy on the outside because they want people to admire them based on how they look, or are they low key on the outside because they want people tomire them for who they are on the inside. I know you're you're giving points to your husband right now. Um So. Another one is selfishness. Are they what's in it for me kind of person? Or are they generous with their inner circle? The next one is control role? Do they try to control your resources?

How you spend your time, how you spend your money? Number six responsibilities? Do they amen up to their responsibilities? Do they take them on without complaint or do they complain and try to ditch their responsibilities. The next one is affection? Is that hard to get their affections? You have to buy them stuff, You have to do favors for them just to get hugs and kisses and cuddles.

The next one is effort. Do they take on extra things in their life because they know the harder they work, the faster they gain, or do they say no that over time, I'd rather play video games. Next one is finances. Are they financially responsible because if they're not, you can't build a life with them. The next one is blame.

Do they blame everyone else for the negativity in their life or do they take responsibility and listen, we all have egos and our ego denies the truth, and so yes, initially when there's a disagreement or if you might deny the truth, But do they ultimately say, you know what, I understand, I could do this better and I will work more on myself or is it always someone else's fault and there's nothing for me to change. The next one is paying when you go out on a date.

Do they pay more than fifty percent of the time? We want generosity. I don't want to tip for tech kind of person. I don't want to scorekeeper. I want to be in a relationship where you're so generous with me. I'm running to keep up with you. I'm trying so hard to be as generous as you are. And so generosity isn't something we're score keeping. Is something we are doing an abundance in our relationship. And the last one is happiness. Do they want you to be happy? God?

These are good? How good? And I'm happy to say George checked all those boxes, so he's going to have a good night. Yeah. Um, I think that those are all little gems really, and some of them I even thought, Wow, I never I would never would have thought of that if I were making a list that's really great. I would have added a sense of humor, but that's me.

Oh that's okay. So when people say how do we know he's the one, I say, the twelve character traits, the three piece protect professor provide, devoted and hard working and makes me laugh more than anybody else. Yeah, it's

just a big one. It's a big one. And there's definitely more that you need to know about this, And you can find all this out in no more assholes, because I really get in depth of the sort of behaviors that you need to look for in somebody in order to understand if this is a person who's truly dedicated to you and building a life with you, and the kind of partner that's a healthy partner. And what do you say to people who all those things are

there but they're not sexually compatible. That can be taught. Oh come on really? Oh but Ali, come on, you know how to say a harder, faster? Well, I'm fantastic and bed so I don't know. So a common question

is that one. And also what if we get to three months and he's a terrible kisser, and and listen, when it comes to intimacy, how your body likes you and I were going to like different things in different ways, and and so there's always a learning curve, but with women there's a higher learning curve because our bodies are built differently, and so there is something to learn about each woman. When my husband kissed me, he kissed me the way his ex liked it, but I like it different.

And the kiss you stop what's happening, but you don't break the intimacy and you say, in a very sexy assaultier, let me show you what I like, and you show them what you like. I would imagine that particularly people who are divorcees that have had, you know, a long marriage with somebody else, they kind of have to be reprogrammed. There's that, And and sometimes we get into relationships and we do like we just go along with our the other president is doing it because we don't know better.

And so women who have been in these twenty five year marriages and didn't you know, doing it the way he to do it. Now is the time for you to find yourself out, figure out what it is that you like. Take some time by the blindfold, get the candles, smoke a bit of pot, take a shower, and just you know, get into your body, and when you catch yourself doing what was always done to you, stop yourself

and say, wait a second, what do I want? And start over and start figuring out how you like to be touched that you can teach somebody else how to touch you. It reminds me of the scene in the movie Private Benjamin Goldiehan was married and had a bunch of not great relationships and she finally has this affair with this gorgeous French count and after they have sex, she says, Oh, now I know what I've been faking my whole life. Right. It just reminds me of that.

Before we go, I seem to ask my guests a lot of questions, and now it is your opportunity to ask me a question anything you want. What was the quality about your husband that blew your mind to put you over the edge. Well, the interesting thing about my husband was, which is not the norm. I knew who he was, so I already had a bias against him. And because I knew who he was, I didn't think I was interested. So when I met him for lunch, I thought, list will just be an interesting, you know,

short story. I'll write about it. My date with George Stephanopolis. It's not my type. I'm not attracted to him physically. He's involved in politics. I hate politics. So I had no expectations. I mean truly didn't shave my legs, didn't shower. I thought we would, you know, talk about the New York Times. And so when I first met him and I sat down with him, I had a feel ng

and the feeling was, oh, I'm with my people. Like I actually felt closer to him after lunch than I did with people I had had relationships with for eight to ten years. So that was the first thing that really hit me, was the comfort I had with him. Then I realized after the first date, I thought, oh my god, I'm attracted to him. And then when we were you know, after a few dates, I kept thinking, I cannot believe I'm attracted to him, Like he's not

what I this is not not my pinterest board. Those two things were the strongest, and it seemed very natural. After two months when he asked me to marry him, I was like, of course, TikTok's taking you so long? I love this. That sounds like intuition to me. What was it about you? It sounds like he pursued you, he asked you out to lunch. There was something about you, you know. I think it was I was so different from the people he was dating. He he I think

had dated very kind of serious women. Um I made him laugh a ton. I was not interested in his fame, you know. I wasn't like, why didn't you send a limo? And the main thing was I didn't play any games with him. I didn't pretend to be somebody I wasn't. I didn't lie and say like, oh, I'm dating all these people. I just was like, this is me, take it or leave it. And if I give any advice to my friends, particularly older friends who are dating, I

just say, life's too short. Just be your authentic self. Don't pretend to be someone else, and don't play those games, and don't play rules. And you know, just if you show them who you are and they want you, then that's going to be a real relationship. If you pretend to be something else and then they discover you're not, it's gonna implode. I agree with that. Don't play games, don't play gender games. He should ask me out for us, he should text me for us. Don't play time games.

Oh I have to wait three days after the day before I reach out to them. And you're right, and you're that don't play games. And I love that you brought humor into this because men think they have to be hot, and it's like, no, you need to be funny, though, And they'll ask you. I'll say, um, you know I by seven, I'm like, it doesn't matter. Are you funny? And I would say, ladies, do you want a hot guy? Do you want a funny guys? And then you see

funny funny like we want to laugh. We it's it's listen. Babies don't need to be taught how to laugh. It is part of our fundamental nature. It is a human need and desire to laugh. And my husband makes me laugh more than anybody else, and I make him laugh more than anybody else. And you and I both know if you can have a conflict free relationship with humor and respect and affection, it is magic. I gotta end on that, because that is absolutely true. Shantall, thank you

so much for being on go ask Galey. You are so welcome, and it's my pleasure, my honor. I think she tells so many great points. And if I'm ever single, again, which, dear God, I hope I'm not. I will use those twelve character traits. The one thing I'm curious about is not kissing for three months, because I think I kissed George after three days, yeah, my third date. And also, and this could be gender prejudice, but I wonder if

men can really stick around for three months. And what I mean by that is, when you're over forty, you're very conscious of time and your mortality, and so waiting three months for a kiss could seem like a lot for some men. I'm curious. You know. It's a great social experiment to see if that actually works. And in fact, some of my friends who are over forty and dating right now, I'm actually going to ask them to do a little experiment for me, because I would love to

note that, in fact is a deal breaker. Um. And if you do go out there and you are dating and you wait three months for the first kissed, come tell me. I'm go ask Alli how that went. I'd love to know. Thank you for listening to Go ask Ali. Check out our show notes for more info. Be sure to subscribe, rate and review the podcast, and follow me on social media on Twitter at Ali Wentworth and on

Instagram at the Real Ali Wentworth Now. If you'd like to ask me a question or suggested guests or topic to dig into, or you actually did the waiting three months plan, I'd love to hear from you, and there's a bunch of ways to do it. You can call or text me at three to three four six three six, or you can email a voice memo right from your phone to Go ask Alli podcast at gmail dot com. And if you leave a question, you just might hear

it and go ask Alli. Go ask Alli is a production of Shonda land Audio and partner ship with I Heart Radio. For more podcasts from Shondaland Audio, visit the I Heart Radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you listen to your favorite shows.