54. Anniversary Special pt1

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This is Gilbert Gottfried, and it's Gilbert Gottfried's Amazing Colossal Podcast with my co-host, Frank Santopadre and Nutmeg Post. We're talking to Greg Mierico, Drew Friedman, Tom Leopold, Bill Persky, and Paul Schaefer for our big one-year anniversary show. Don't miss it. Gil, I'd like to introduce you or reintroduce you to one of our sponsors called Zero. Yeah. Now, you may know this already. I've read pages. X-E-R-O. Yeah.

I usually don't know half the stuff I read. They give me a page and I go, now if this was an ice cream sponsor, I'd say, oh, it's creamy and delicious. And I could ad-lib around it. You've experienced ice cream. But accounting software, not so easy? Yeah, well, that's my next. Big topic. Well, Zero, X spelled X-E-R-O, is beautiful accounting software. Not just any accounting software. It's beautiful accounting software, and it's built to help small businesses be more productive and successful.

Did you know that? That I knew because you just told me. Didn't you know that it's all so easy to use? That you can send invoices, online quotes to your customers. You can pay your employees. You can manage your cash flow. You can even... even... Sorry. There, there, there, there, there, there. You see, he's reading a page. He's reading a page. And even he screwed it up. Let's go back to that. He's reading a page.

Okay, go back. You got your glass. You can send invoices, online quotes to your customers. As I said, you can pay your employees. You can manage your cash flow expenses and even your inventory with zero. Wow, it was like you were reading it right off the copy. That's what I meant to say. Now, zero also, Gil. It's in the cloud. Did you know that? Yeah. It's in the cloud. You can access and manage all of your business accounting on the go. And it does what desktop software does, but it does more.

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You know all this just off the top of my head. Yeah, absolutely. None of this is written. Not at all. And services like PayPal to save you even more time. Sign up for a free 30-day trial at Xero.com slash podcasts. They've made their own special signature. That's Xero.com slash podcasts. X-E-R-O, Xero is beautiful accounting software built to help small businesses be more productive and successful.

You knew all this. Yeah. And you've used beautiful accounting software before. Yes. You do your own taxes at home at the kitchen table? All of it. Yeah, absolutely. You and Wesley Snipes. I do all my own taxes. So sign up for a free 30-day trial at Xero.com slash podcasts. I'm doing my own taxes now. I have 7,000 dependents. You're a little late. The theater to recharge. We're starting now. Hi, I'm Gilbert Gottfried. Hi, Gilbert. Hi, hello, Paul. Hi, I'm Gilbert Gottfried.

And this is Gilbert Gottfried's Amazing Colossal Podcast. We're here at Nutmeg Post with our engineer, Frank Verderosa. Wow. Credit to his family, the way you pronounce that. I love that show, The Verda Rosa. The color looked fake. I can't believe we've made it this far, but this is our first anniversary show, so we've invited back five of our favorite guests. Well, actually, there were five people who just answered the phone. So welcome in alphabetical order.

a terrific, versatile actor and singer, and a man who feels connected with his Jewish heritage. Well, you don't want to be first. Even though his mother seems to be ashamed of Jewish heritage. She switched over to Christianity. Good introduction. She was ashamed of him. Anyway, Craig Bierico. Thank you. Whose mother's ashamed of being a Jew. Well, you know. Why even Mench? Of course she is. Got him upset already. That's kind of a no-brainer. Wandering around in circles like that.

Hey, Craig. No offense. Who's the next least important person in the room? That's interesting. Who's on the money on now? It's building up. And my favorite artist. Thank you. The brilliant and insanely... talented Drew Friedman. That's it? No insults. Thank you. Thank you. He said you were insane. What is that? That's a compliment? Judas. Judas. Judas. Yes. And from Cheer Seinfeld. Don't kid around on this one. And chose too numerous to mention. The comedy writer's comedy writer.

Tom Leopold. You're going to get the old waterworks going. He's funny. Talk about someone who's ashamed of being a Jew. That's true. That's all in the past now. Yeah, but you know what? I own my shame. Is that anti-Semitic music? No, he leases it out. He's still got that much. Did your dick get bigger when you became a Catholic? So who's going to be number one? This is going to be interesting. A genuine living showbiz ledge.

Oh, my God. And the creator of That Girl and Kate and Allie. Ouch. Five-time Emmy winner. How? And someone we consider now to be the fifth Beatle. Bill Percy. Billy, what shall I sing? I thought that guy from... What's that guy who always talks for Yoko? What's Yoko's spokesman's name? Yoko has a spokesman. Elliot Mintz. Elliot Mintz. Elliot Mintz. And a renaissance man. Yeah. And our musician for the day. Thank you. And TV and musical icon. Who came in?

Comedian, musician, and band leader. And thankfully for my podcast, unemployed. after 33 years on the David Letterman Show, Paul Schaefer! Thank you. It's over.

Now, you were writing a... You were kind of improvising a theme song about me. I was playing... Yes, yes. What was it again? You swing. Well, someone said social media, and you're all over it. You're all about it. Yes. And Frank mentioned, do you already have, you know, the calls coming in on social media? Yeah. Is this true? We try. Well, I solicited questions for all of you. I said you swing with the youth. Can you play that? Yeah. So it was Gilbert. I had a lyric.

going, Gilbert swings with the youth, though some would say he's uncouth. It's almost a limerick. Let's finish it as a lyric, shall we? Yeah. Gilbert swings with the youth. With the youth. Though some would say he's uncouth. He's so dry he requires no vermouth. He's so, oh yeah, and he's always in French vermouth, yeah. He's da-da-da-da, da-da-da-da. And cranky mother, it's a shame to be a Jew. And so did you see a Jew? It's funny, that rhymes with everything, doesn't it?

He's embarrassed to be... So we can put this, then we'll get on to the fun. I want to ask you what... That's the order that the introductions are definitely going to be read. Those are the orders. What was alphabetical, Chris? Alphabetical. We went to a vote and decided you were our least important guest. You know what? That's a tribute to you. I'm alone in my apartment, and I feel the same way. No one mentioned it. Paul's got it. I have it. Gilbert.

Swings with the youth Though some say he's uncouth That's all I have so much. That's all I have. You know what that reminds me of? Let's give a prize to someone who calls in with the rest of it. Paul, you're not lying. I think you wrote that for Joey Reynolds. Oh, if we were lying. sounded a little to me like how many tens of thousands of people are we up to right now at the at this point that are that are listening craig your mic's off we need a director

Now, can I start off with what I think is the most important topic of the day? Yeah. Now, I think a lot of us, a lot of people listening, if you don't know, will have to look up on YouTube. Clark Gable, preferably in Gone with the Wind, and Andy Devine, who was a fat, roly-poly, cockeyed... weird-looking guy with a voice like that.

And I could never do an Andy Devine. He was Jingles. Remember I heard Jingles? Yes. Yes, of course. And did he have Andy's gang? Andy's gang. Yeah, Andy's gang. That was before Fat Cowboys were on TV. But it was the original Brokeback Mountain. I've heard. Yes, Drew Freeman. Andy Devine and Clark Gable would go off on hunting trips. That's how he got his name. He was so divine.

you know, Carol Lombard, and they would stay in the cabin for days and, you know, fuck each other. This is what I heard. Now I want all of you to YouTube. of both Clark Gable and Andy Devine to get the full feeling of this. I'm going to draw it, actually. That can't be true. That's my next project. Is that really true? I think the rumor was spread by Marlon Brando and Wally Cox just to deflate the...

Now, I heard Clark Gable once said in an interview, you know, getting frunked up the ass is divine.

Can you do Andy Devine? Give it to me. Give it to me, Clark. Your gable sounds like Dwight Eisenhower. Now I heard Jay Silverheels. Yes. Paul has a good story about Jay Silverheels. Yeah. Well, this story was...

Paul Schaefer with Jay Silverheels. Jay Silverheels was Tonto for those who... They don't even know who Tonto is. Today's his birthday, by the way. Huh? Today's Jay Silverheels' birthday. It is? Are you kidding? I'm sorry I know that. As a matter of fact, Paul is working. Yeah. Frank is managing. Yeah. Can you play the... Lone Ranger's theme. Well, of course I can. Do you want that? No, that's Bonanza. That's Fendazza.

When men were men. It sounds just like the cast. All right. Tell the story. Now, wait a second. Speaking of Brando, Drew, you have a Brando story. This is a story which involves Brian Wilson, the great creative genius of the Beach Boys, and the writer of all of their hits.

including the, you know, the very far-thinking-ahead Pet Sounds, which inspired the Beatles to do Sgt. Pepper. Do a little something from Pet Sounds. And the song Johnny Carson. No, no, I've got to get to the story. He's come back, you know, he's made a big... come back. But he is tortured. It's no secret. He's so tortured that he speaks out of his mouth. Sort of like a Bill Murray character.

And he's in, with his band, he's in Toronto, Canada, and he's in the wings, he's about to go on. And he's just musing to himself, and he says, Toronto, Toronto, Tonto, Tonto, hey! One time, I was in an insane asylum, and Tono came into my room with a hard-on. I said, get out of here. And then the band goes on, and they're, well, East Coast girls are here. What the hell did I? Just here. Is Jay Silver here living? No, he's gone.

We lost Shay about 45 years ago. Yeah. We have to bring this down. But, you know, I looked it up. Now Marlowe. I looked it up. Marlowe. He's got a Marlowe story. I'm not going to talk about Marlowe. Marlowe. Marlowe. Marlowe. Marlowe. Marlowe. Marlowe. Marlowe. Marlowe. Marlowe. Marlowe. Marlowe. Marlowe. Marlowe. Marlowe. Marlowe. Marlowe. Marlowe. Marlowe. Marlowe. Marlowe. Marlowe. Marlowe. Marlowe. Marlowe. Marlowe. Marlowe. Marlowe. Marlowe. Marlowe. Marlowe. Marlowe. Marlowe. Marlowe. Marlowe. Marlowe. Marlowe. Marlowe. Marlowe. Marlowe. Marlowe. Marlowe

there and Kathy said that this is a very stupid story but I said Gilbert's gonna like it though it's like a couple years it's brief a couple years ago I was in Hollywood on Sunset and I walked into the Haagen-Dazs store And in front of me was a big fat guy ordering ice cream. And I realized it was Marlon Brando. He had sunglasses on, a hat, but I realized it was him. He was ordering a bag full of ice cream, quarts of ice cream.

In one hand. And then the other hand, he had a cone with four scoops of ice cream. And he pays and he leaves. And I said, I got to follow him out. This is like, you know, a golden opportunity. So I followed him out the door. He starts walking up sunset. and I'm 10 feet behind them, and I'm just, like, listening to the traffic, and all I can hear is...

as he's eating the ice cream. That's my Marlon Brando song. You heard a Marlon Brando fart. I don't know where it was coming. That's all I could hear. You know, you only hear the bad things about Brando. It's a golden memory. But it's nice to hear, you know, from the heart a little bit. So Marlon Brando. Gilbert loves farting stories. Basically farted on you. I stayed 10 feet behind. I was not his Wally Cox that day. You're my Wally Cox every day. Exactly.

Now, Paul, can you write a Marlon Brando farting song? Yeah. He farted on you. He farted on you. The farts swam around. Finally found a nose or two. A guy wouldn't admit he was a Jew. But I don't understand he got different cones as though he was mine.

One Kong with four... No, it was all for him, obviously. Obviously. One Kong with four giant scoops, which he was eating. And then he had the bag when he got home. He had the bag of all the rest. It's amazing how he kept his figure. It was beautiful. Can I ask a question? Yes. A follow-up. How much of the course of ice cream did he eat on the way to the car? No, it wasn't. He was taking those home. Oh, he took them. But he couldn't wait, so he was eating the ice cream on the way home. I see.

Billy, did you ever work with Brando? Did you meet Marlon Brando? No, I never met Marlon Brando. Actually, I missed him by a night in Tahiti. Really? Yeah. We were doing a pilot in Tahiti, and he had been at this place the night before, sitting in that chair. Was it an ice cream place? No, because he owned an island there. Yeah. Taya Rower or something. He loved it there.

But he was at this place where we were shooting the pilot, and they said, you're sitting where Marlon Brando sat last night. Wow. What was the pilot? It was called Three for Tahiti. About three guys, American guys, who built a hotel in Tahiti in the 50s. Wow. Three for Tahiti. His love nest with Wally Cox is on East 11th Street. Right off university. I give a tour of New York, and that's on the tour. Now, this is, of course, The Godfather, Don Corleone, an underdog.

were fucking each other in the end. Well, naturally. Well, you know, I just read a book about Wally Cox, seriously. And it was all about people talking about Wally Cox, that he was as straight as they came. Yeah. And that they would just like to hike together. I don't know why you have to. Absolutely. We had Josh Mostel on the show, and he swears that Wally Cox was completely butch.

With a macho guy. Can you get him on the phone? Yeah. It reads on... It really reads on the phone. How about George Maharis? He was... Oh, please. He banged more chicks. They happen to be in a men's room in a bag. I should do a U-bag. Perfecto Telles was the biggest cunt man. Huge. I don't know how this urban legend got started. He was right up there with Paul Lind. Who was? George Meharis. Oh, George Meharis. And I know what you're thinking. Oh, no.

Bill, did you have any run-ins with George Maharis? Only through... No, he didn't make... The jewelry. Who made the jewelry? George Chakiris. Here we go. Here we go. The old problem. The confusion. The dancer Oscar winner. Yes, and he was a jewelry maker, and Tom has a piece of his jewelry. I do. So do you. It's a cock ring. I do. Tom embarrassed me into we had to ship by 750 bucks worth of

Jewelry. 500 each? What are you talking about? Because he's obsessed with George Meharis. Yes. Who is it? And the name sounds a little like George Securus. George Acunis was the actor and dancer who was in West Side Story. He won an Oscar. Yeah, won an Oscar for his role in West Side Story. But both those guys are still alive, Perfecto Tellez and George. How do you know Perfecto Tellez is alive? I thought he died.

I haven't read the obituary if he does. Oh, my God. I don't think we're getting the obituary. Wow, imagine booking him. That would be great. That's your last shot. What was he known for? I only know him through you guys. We're sucking George Maharis' dick. You gotta get him.

But I don't know what he did. If not on the phone now, maybe you're on the phone now. As Craig Nelson. As Craig Nelson. Stop calling me. Craig T. Nelson. I'm coach. As Craig Vieira. I can say T. Nelson. That's my nickname. I like it. That, yeah, it's this thing that gay guys do where one stands in a bag. I don't need your life story. I'm asking you what perfecto to look like. as did the only way I know him is I know that he did that I know that he did that

Maybe George Maharis... What else did he do? What else did he need to do? Did he have an act? I would pay. What else was French? There was some guy who wasn't in shape. No business who was named Perfecto. You know, let me just say something about Gilbert. He's a glass half full kind of guy. Only he would think that George Maharas wasn't in the bag. A bag half full. Why don't you think George Maharas was maybe in the bag? You know what?

That could be. You're welcome. So what you're saying, Tom, is that George Maharis may have been blowing perfecto. I'm just throwing it out there. I heard that the police found George Maharis with his dick lodged into perfecto. And they had to arrest them both. Okay. That was in the newspaper article. It was cleaned up in the article. No, it doesn't count as one article. It's that George Maharis was fucking Perfecto Tellez in the end. This is what I've always known. And when they were...

Since I was a child. They bring in a specialist for that kind of to separate. Fortunately, the cops had boiling water. We've done eight minutes so far in perfecto. And I don't know what the fuck he does. He was a celebrity. He gets fucked up. He wasn't even a celebrity. He was a hairdresser. He was just a hairdresser. Not like Sir Monty Rock. Yeah, but could you do that on America's Got Talent? Howard Stern would probably love it.

Next week, you've got to push harder. Howard doesn't go there anymore. My name is Percy Jackson.

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Oh, you know what? Before I forget, we've talked about this before and never had a musical instrument with us. The first time I went on the David Letterman show. We had to decide on a song to play me out to. Yes. And my two biggest failures were Saturday Night Live and... Saturday Night Live, the Gene Domanian year. Yes. Yes, the year. And think of the night. Think of the night. Alan Thicke year. Oh, I think you did worse stuff than that.

And so we decided to combine the two. And I remember you said... I said I would play you out with both. Gilbert was going to do his first stand-up on Letterman. And I said, I'll play you out with those two flops, the theme from the two. Only I would know them, but I do. I know the theme from Gene Domanian's year of SNL and, of course, Thick of the Night.

His theme, running in the thick of the night. I said, I'll do a little one and into the other. I said, but it would be too long. You know, you'll be out there already. He said, so I'll wait. Anyway. Something like this. So this is... This is it. Come on. They're not dead. How's everybody feeling tonight? That's how it went. But no rehearsal. And what was your opening joke then? Oh, I don't remember. You did the Ben Gazzara joke. I did do the Ben Gazzara bit.

Oh, would you like to do a duet with me of singing the Thick of the Night theme? Yeah, yeah. Adam! Let me hear a little for a key. Mama, don't leave the lane. That's too little. Yes, yes. He wrote it too. Mama, don't leave the lane. I'm on the road. tonight. Everyone needs a dream to hold on. I'm gonna meet in the mail. Running in the thick of the night. Under the city lights. Running in the thick of the night.

Into the heat. Going to treat you right. Running in the thick of the night. Night, night, night. Oh, my God. Beautiful.

Now, Gilbert, I've got to talk to you about something, though. Why don't you bring up Ticket of the Night? You were a cast member. It was a talk show with a rep company. You were a member of the rep company. Do you remember any of the other names? Richard Belzer. Was a rep company member, yes? Charles Fleischer. Oh, Charlie Fleischer, yeah. McManus. Mike McManus. Okay. Shaggetts. Something grande. Something... What about a girl? Oh, there was a girl who was in that movie...

About the punk rocker who dies. Who is that big? What? Chloe Webb. Oh, she played Nancy Spungen in Sid and Nancy. She was in the rep company. They were all in the rep company. And so it was a talk show slash sketch comedy. It was horrible. She had a character, the French supermodel. Yes, Isabel Brandy. She played a French supermodel. Air was her name. Just one, like the letter R. Just one character? She just played one character? Well, that was her big character. Big character.

There was a period of time when you didn't appear on the show. Why? You had gone up into the rafters. Yeah. They rode into the show. And you would not come down. Now... Can you justify this? They wrote into the show. Yeah, sure, yeah. The show kept changing because it was bombing severely. Ah, thick of the night. And then they decided, hey, Gilbert is this guy who lives... He lives in the catwalk.

The kid walk, the cat walk. The kid walk. The kid walk. Gilbert never comes down from the kid walk. Never comes down. Was there an explanation about why he didn't come down? It's a little like Chris Elliott under the stairs. Why be... I was down there and why now I only live in the catwalk. The timing was off. I live down in the catwalk. You know, that has haunted me a home life. Can you tell me now?

lost sleep trying to figure that out. But what did you as an actor... When you were living with our fixed wife, did you ask? I kept saying. On the reality show? Yeah, when you were with his wife. I was living with his wife. When you were having sex with his wife. Did you ask? This is a wife swap. Celebrity wife swap. That's right. Did you come down on that show? Was it?

He went down on that. Yeah. You're incorrigible. Well, I was in a scene in that. I and my whole family. Yeah, we bells are. Yeah, we came over for dinner with Mrs. Thicke. So she likes to have dinner parties. What was her first name? Very. Yes. Oh, geez. Tanya. Tanya. Gilbert had taken her to the friar's kitchen the night before for dinner. Yeah. So what a show. Yeah.

Oh, my goodness. So we're over there with Belzer and Gilbert, and we say they both work for Alan Thicke. Let's get him on the phone. And we get him on the phone. Tanya gets him on the phone. We sing thick of the night. And we really drive him into the ground and talk about what a flop that show was. Oh, yes. But we didn't really get much reaction from him. There was silence on the other end.

I know! Yeah, but we were having the time of our lives laughing. Couldn't stop laughing. And we're wondering why he's not getting it. And when they aired the show, they cut out that. Yeah, they didn't even use it. Call him right now and try again. We had a lot of fun doing it. You did speak to him on the phone, on one episode. We had him on. We had Alan Thicke on the show. He was very funny about it. Yeah, we had him on.

But the part where me, Paul, and Richard were singing that, they didn't leave that in. I was gold. Now, Bill. What? Yeah, Bill Persky. Oh, my God. You...

You worked with Orson Welles. Yes, I did. Who just had a 100th birthday. His 100th birthday. Who just died. Did you do the wine in a box stuff? No, I didn't do that. I did the wine in the coffee mug where he got drunk during rehearsals. And everyone said, where is he getting the booze? All he drinks all day is coffee.

It was the darkest burgundy in the world, and by 4 o'clock he was on the floor, and no one knew where it was coming. Just Paul Masson? No, no. We were in London at the time. I don't think they allowed Paul Masson into the country. Either the man or the wine. You went there to do The Man Who Came to Dinner. Yeah, yeah. You directed it. No, Buzz Kulik directed it. Buzz Kulik, who was a great director.

decided he was going to be the person who controlled Orson Welles. Wherever Orson Welles is now, the guy in charge is not controlling Orson Welles. There was no such thing. And it all came to a head one night when... Wells wanted to do a certain thing and Buzz said, no, we're not going to do that. And we're in with the crew and the voiceover of the director. And they went back and forth argument. And finally, Wells said to him.

Mr. Kulik, you are talking to the director of Citizen Kane, and over the PA comes a film I always thought was highly overrated. Wow. Kulik said that. Stunned. Now Wells said, well, Mr. Kulik, whatever you plan to do with your next shot, I suggest that you find someone to be in it. And he walked out. It was the last shot in the show.

No one knew where he was. For hours, we were looking. We're in golden time, all of this expense. He had called Prince Philip, and he was having dinner at the Southampton Yacht Club. We finally got him to come back. And he said, I want an apology or I won't come back. So I was producing. My partner and I had written and we were producing the show. And so I went to Buzz Q. I said, you got to apologize to him. He said that over.

I said, you got it. We don't have the money to keep. We got to end the show. So he said, all right, I'll apologize. So Wells came in and Kulik said, I apologize. He said, oh, no, no, no. Over the PA. Loud. Very loud. Great. So now we had to make that. And now Wells walked back on the set. What did he say? He said, I would just like to apologize to... insulting Mr. Wells and bringing up the fact that Citizen Kane was highly overrated.

What did he do then? It worked. No one could hear him over Orson Welles' ice cream farts. And what happened? The setup of my last moment with Orson Welles, we had become very close. Somehow he really liked me a lot, and I was assigned to keep him from drinking. So I spent a lot of time with him. You should have kept him from eating, too. Yes. That didn't work. But we were shooting in Southampton in England.

Fog, like famous for the fog. There was one streetlight in the middle of the parking lot of this thing. It was like a scene from... The third man. I mean, you could hear the zither in the background. And when we're leaving, Wells' chauffeur, he had a limo and all that. And Wells said, I must pee.

Yes. OK, you get because it felt that was all it was missing. He couldn't find a bathroom. Now, there's a Roman wall that runs through Southampton from when the Romans were. It is revered. I mean, if you're driving down when they laid. out the city. If there was a wall in the way, you make a right turn, go around the wall and go back to where you are. They loved it. And finally, we get outside. Well said, I must pee. And he said, perhaps here, sir. So he said.

Goes over. There's the goddamn Roman wall. Wells gives me a hug with one arm and is unzipping with the other. And he said, I love you, Billy. Be well. And I walked into the fog. With Niagara Falls hitting, I mean, it was, I mean, it was the loudest. And it's going through the fog and the lights. And I'm walking into the night. It was amazing. What did it sound like? Can you do it? No, are you kidding? It was literally like a herd of elephants peeing.

Now, Billy, we found a fan alerted us to a video.

That I circulated among the boys. Yes. From a movie called Water. Yes. A British film. I saw you guys sent it around. We sent it around. We all decided you were holding out on us. And do you want to tell our listeners who you were, who you were co-starring in this particular? scene with? Well, Ringo Starr and George Harrison. George Maharis? No, George Maharis. George Harrison. George Maharis was fucking worse than well. Wally peed. Wally peed. And Eric Clapton.

But the truth be known, they were not. What was the movie? Oh, it was called Water, a movie. Yeah, I had written this movie with Ian Lafrenette and Dick Clement. I don't know if you know them. They wrote the Irish. Irish rock band. What was it? Oh, the replacements? No, with a C. Oh, the Commitments. Anyway, they're really great writers. And it was about an island.

In the Caribbean, there was the worst island in the world. The wind blew in all directions at the same time. All four directions. You couldn't play cards in this island. And there was no beach. But... Somebody discovered that there was water on the island that was a great laxative. And suddenly... Where are you on my podcast? No, really. And suddenly, well, it starred Michael Caine and Valerie Corrine. And it was really a funny movie. But I...

was brought over to just have a bit part in it. I looked very young. It was a long time ago. I wrote it, yeah. Wrote it and appeared as the TV director. Wrote it and appeared as a director. And what kind of scene was that? Why was Clapton and those people there? Because there was a... time when the Islanders, the guy that Billy played was known in the script as the singing rebel. He refused to talk.

until the island was free. So every time he was there, he would sing Calypso songs, drove everybody crazy. So then they went in front of the UN to make an appeal for the island. Meanwhile... It almost caused an atomic war because the French were trying to take it over to protect Perrier.

And the Americans were going to do it to protect Poland's spring. It was a fun movie. Oh, wow. A fan named Jonathan Sloman, one of our listeners, sent it to me. I know him. You know Jonathan? Yeah. You do. From Britain. He's a Brit. Yeah, he's a Brit.

Just the sight of you sitting there behind the control room. With that hair. Yeah, the hair. And introducing Ringo and George. I have a question. Yes. So do you ever write stuff that doesn't have a tropical island? Yes. Journey to the North Pole. Did you see that? Just check.

Now, Tommy Lee, I understand you have a little story about Troy Donahue. Oh, God. Yeah. Put the kids to bed. There are no segues, by the way. You already had a bunch of Troy Donahue stories on your show. No, not enough. Well, that can never be enough. Yeah, thank you. There haven't been enough. Well, it isn't really a story, per se. I give you the option of telling the Troy Donoghue or the Mario Lonzo story. Well, let me tell both. They're kind of companion cases. Tom Leopold with his...

This is where I take two forgotten celebrities and put them together. You could get whiplash doing this. Nobody in this room forgot them. Oh, thank you. I'll never forget them. Anyway, I don't want to get all choked up here. It wasn't anything. It never took place. But when I was on some show out in L.A., somebody came in and said that they had seen Troy Donahue homeless on the street. Oh, I heard this. Yes.

And I immediately, because when I was a kid, Troy Donahue was the biggest star in the universe. Susan Plachette and all those terrible movies. Biggest tab hunter, at least. Oh, yeah. Bigger movie star than Ted. Well, I don't know. We'll talk about that. Let's get into that comparison. Yeah. So I thought, my God, and I was making money. You know what? I bet. I could hire Troy Donahue to get my laundry and shit. I really could. I really could. I could give him $1,000 a week cash.

And imagine calling. I swear to God, I really thought about this. I thought, you know, and imagine calling. Troy, yeah. Do me a favor. That end table. They're putting the glass, go down to La Brea and get that for me. Anyway, I never pursued it because I thought it might be sad. Yeah, I heard he was Troy Donahue was living in people's homes. Yeah, and he died in Central Park, I think.

He did? Really? No, no, no. No, that doesn't sound right. No, it can't be. It just can't be. No, it just can't be. It doesn't sound right. No. What about Mario Lanza? He died in something. He died, yes. Somebody died. No. Somebody please die. I'm going to look like an idiot. No, I heard Troy Donahue. No, that was Kent McCord. People would go, hey, it's Troy Donahue. Oh, you could stay here for the night.

Why is he covered in his own shit? That man was in Paris. He should be covered in somebody else's shit for crying out loud. He's a movie star. I didn't think they had shit. All right. I hate to drop. Yeah, yeah. I know where we're going. I had dinner with Troy Donahue and Suzanne Plachette. What? Yes. Excellent. Who was a friend of the night he died. Food poisoning. How'd you find him? No, she was going out with Troy Donahue when I first got out to L.A. Valerie Perrine.

No, Susie Blachette. Oh, Susan Blachette. Thank you, Jared. I have a feeling that they knew he was gay, but he was a big star, and she was just getting started. Who, Troy Donahue? Yeah. Was this in your autobiography? I would hope so. He was married a few times. Oh, really? Do you know why it didn't work out? No. No.

Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe it was Tab Hunter. They look so much alike. Isn't it bad enough we say he lived in the park? Why do we have to say he's gay? Dara just pointed out that he died in Santa Monica Hospital at the age of 65, Troy Dunn.

With George Maharas. How do you feel? He had his dick in perfect hotel. Well, with Mario Lanza. Is there a Mario Lanza story? Oh, yeah. Okay. This is a good one. Can it top this last one? What did he paint? He painted your house, right? This is beautiful. And late carpeting. Does any fame this story that doesn't make me want to fucking blow my head off?

One thing that says there's a nice person who passes him. This is a beautiful story. This is a sweeter one. Tell this story. This is a sweet story. You can cut this out if it's too modeling. You'll like it. True thing. I've read it in many books. Dory Sherry was the head of MGM after Louis B. Mayer. Another person that everyone is running to Google. Dory Sherry. He was on the I Love Lucy. That's right. Dory Sherry was on an I Love Lucy. Not the real one. No, the robot.

Because that night, apparently, he was with Tom. Don't know. But Craig is right. But it was not the real Dory Sherry. Was it the real William Holden on I Love Lucy? Yes. Tommy, if you will. Was it the real Lucy? Was there a real Lucy? Was it the real Fred? I worked with Lucy, of course. Well, you'll tell that. That's her. Which era Lucy? The one where she sounded like Everett Dirk's stone pillow.

Another Google reference. Gary! Gary! Gilbert does a great Lucy. Old Lucy. Gilbert does old Lucy. Go ahead. Ah, Desi! Hey. Well, I always liked those when she was older and like she and Bob Hope. We try to be hip. And it's like... Hey, let's go to that costume party as hippies. Yeah, look at me, I'm a beetle. I'm one of them, yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm a beater. That's right. We're the Beatles. He'd show up in the beaded...

vest with the long hair and the motorcycle into the park. And they run into Jack Benny as a hippie. I think people are dying to get back to the Dory Sherry. Let's go. Mario Lanza. Take a number. Mario Lanza. It's the same story. But before I get to that. Did I tell the story about... I feel like a lifeguard in an insane asylum. Did I tell the story last time I was on about where Lucy's on one of those, the last of the Lucy shows with Gail Gordon? No, you did not tell us. Tell that one.

Is Mary Alonzo in this? Jesus Christ. Mary Alonzo. Life with Lucy when she was like 90. Oh my God. That was my favorite. That was the funny one. After the Stone Pillow, where she plays the home. Oh, my God, yes! No, no, before the Stone Pillow. Before the Stone Pillow. She was a homeless woman. Was Frank Nelson also on that one? No. Anyway. I'm up with our daughter back from the hospital, and she's up at 4. I'm walking around. I got late at night. It's like, here's Lucy.

Here's Lucy this time. Here's Lucy because the other one didn't work at all. I think it was called Here's Lucy because the other one didn't work. No, that one was called Here's Lucy Whether You Like It or Not. The last show was Life with Lucy. Life with Lucy.

The life left with Lucy. Whatever life is left with Lucy. Before death with Lucy. That's when Lucy looked like she was going to be dead at any point. But she was still showing her legs. Oh, yes, yes. Very disturbing. Anyway. Oh, wow, yeah. Anyway. So I'm watching, and the whole plot of this episode of Lucy is Bob Crane is a guest star, Robert Crane from Hogan's Hero. Yeah, Bob Crane. Yeah. And the whole plot is he... He invites Lucy on a date. Bob Crane.

And Lucy's problem now, I don't think Viv was even in it. She gave up. Viv was gone. Viv was gone. She checked out. She moved back to New York. She dragged around the corner. She was in a major depression. Anyway. So the whole plot is Lucy asking Mr. Mooney, her boss playing by Gil Gordon, if she could get out of work early because I got a day with a boy. Bob Crane. I got a date with a boy. Bob Crane. Bob Crane. Oh, no. Oh, no, Mrs. McGillicuddy. That's a great story.

Kraft mac and cheese is the best thing ever. It's even better than pop music. You look just as natural enjoying us at age 13 as you do 55. Kraft mac and cheese. Best thing ever. This episode is brought to you by McAfee. I found this great place to stay this weekend. Click on the link and book it. Oh, wow. McAfee alerted me that this site is fake and even blocked it.

Cyber criminals create fake sites to steal your passwords and financial data. McAfee identifies and blocks these sites to keep you safer online so you can book your trip without worry. Learn more at McAfee.com slash online protection. Mario Alonzo, real quick. Yeah, let's hear the Mario Alonzo. Okay. Real quick. Where are we going?

Yeah. Gil, do we have time for the Mario Lanzo story? Yeah, I think we could squeeze it in there. This is a great story. I love it. You can tell this in real time. We have time for it in real time. Yeah. Tom shared this with me. It's a short story. but it has a big heart it's touching I don't know what that means anyway

Dory Sherry took over from Louis B. Mare and he changed the whole studio around. And he was the one who hired Mary Alonza from the opera stage to come out and make those horrible movies. And you know the movies I'm talking about, like when... His weight would fluctuate so much. Oh, Mario Lanza. He bought Mario Lanza. And his weight would fluctuate during the picture. But he started out in one scene. He goes, well, I'm going to go in that other room now.

I should be back. I'm going to sing Rigoletto. And he'd walk out of that room and walk into the other room. He'd be 48 pounds heavier. And then he'd go through another door. He was skinny again. Mario Lanza, the great Italian singer for our listeners. So Dory Sherry and Mario Lanza got into a terrible feud about contracts or letting him out so he could do contracts. concerts so mary lads did the thing in the actual thing he took a big steaming creamy dump on dory sherry's lawn creamy

And it made the papers. Do you ever hear that song? No. Oh, it's in so many books. This shit made the papers. And then the shit hit the papers. The look on Billy Persky's face. Now, I don't know if he negotiated another contract, if it worked. The shit was so he could get a better contract. I don't know if it worked. No. What an odd negotiation. It's a beautiful Hollywood story. Let me tell everyone who's on the show again.

Hi, I'm Gilbert Gottfried. I'm here with Frank Santopadre. We're here with Craig B. Errico. Bottom of the barrel. Drew Friedman. Bottom of the barrel, Craig B. Herico, Drew Friedman, Tom Leopold, Bill Persky, and Paul Schaefer. I can't handle it. What are we doing? We're building up.

Is that the hour mark? Are we at the hour mark? Well, the second hour is going to be all Danny Thomas, right? Yeah. We talk about Bob Green. Go ahead. Go for Bob Green. Yeah, what did he get arrested? He was killed. What? He liked to masturbate with friends. Bob Brain, star of Hogan's Heroes. Yes. Thank you. Thank you. Did you write the Dick Van Dyke that he was on? No. I did not. That was early. I think that was early. And Bud Crane was into having orgies.

And filming. Videoing it. He had this huge video box that he carried out from motel room to motel room when he was doing summer stock. And they made a movie about it. And that is the theme Paul's playing to Hogan's heroes. Oh, wow. What do we know about Bob Crane? Oh, here! Now, I think I know that that theme... Yeah. I think it goes, you know, it's an instrumental, but all instrumentals have words. Okay. And I think for the Hogan's heroes, it's...

We are all the manly men of war. We are marching in where hundreds have before. And then the middle part is, you make suggestions. Oh. You ask the questions, we'll make suggestions. We are the men of war. You ask the questions, we'll... We'll make suggestions. What does that have to do with anything? But of all the unnecessary things for a person to have in his head.

Oh, you have no idea, Bill. I mean, why? Is there a way to get rid of that now? Can we suck? I mean, Jesus. Why did you bother to learn that? Logan's Heroes bit in your act? Oh, yes. I always did, like... Like, who's the guy that came up with the idea for Hogan's Heroes? Bing Crosby. Yeah, that he went into a network and said, here's the idea. A group of soldiers in a Nazi prison camp. It's a...

Comedy. Bing Crosby. He hated Jews, didn't he? Bill Crosby. Bing. Bing Crosby. Now, let's talk about all the people who hated the Jews. Yeah. Aside from everybody in this room. My mother. My mother. Todd Leopold hated the Jews. I heard Wilford Brimley hated the Jews. That wouldn't surprise me. Big time. Well, Craig worked with him. He hated himself. Can you confirm or deny, Craig? I can't. He didn't speak to me. Who? Wilford.

I heard he was the biggest Jew hater of all. I think he hated it because he was one. And he didn't want anyone to find out. That's what they said about Hitler, too. Yeah. Well, they were cousins. But Paul Linn hated Jews more than anybody. Oh, Paul Linn, I heard. He blamed them. That on Hollywood Squares... Well, the Jews didn't make them gay. Yeah, on Hollywood Squares, one of the producers was... the producer of the original Hollywood Squares, and he told me that during lunch...

All the people on the show would get together. They'd be joking and having a great time. And Paul Lin would be bombed out of his skull. And he was this bitter old anti-Semitic queen. Yes. And he would be there going, oh, those fucking Jews. They're the reason I don't have a career. I wish Hitler killed all of them. And he'd be there like, oh, no. That story, you've told that story on every single episode. That story is your character net.

Here's the thing. I was talking to a group of young people. The fact that today... There are really not stars. I mean, there are passing through. I said, when I was growing up, everybody did impressions. And immediately you knew. who the people were. I'll give you $1,000 to do an impression of Puffy Combs. Go. You can't. There's nothing there. There is nobody around today who is a star.

That you could build an act. There's no impression acts anymore. There's nothing distinctive. I'm sorry to bring this down. I can talk more about the shit statue. There was like Frank Gorshin, Richard.

little George. Guys made their whole careers. Well, someone like Don Knotts. I grew up, I would watch Don Knotts at totally took him for granted because he was just so great but then you try to do that you try and do what he was doing and you realize how far out on a limb he went oh boy to do that character and how brilliant and how singular and there's nobody like that

I'm saying it's a comment in a strange way on the fact that there are no really identifiable people who keep on being. There are impressionists in Vegas now. Doing. Guys that get big money. I can't remember their names. There's two different guys. What do they do? Who do they do? They're all the same. Well, that's the question. Fred Travolino? No, there's a guy now. Well, there was Danny Gans for years. Danny Gans. No, he died in Mysterious Sigurdsson.

He did. I love that. Danny Gantz, Dyson Central. He too. I used to love that. I could be your agent. I don't know why that was important to me, but it is. It's important to point out. When you hear the stories and the... The passion with which you guys all love these things. Because nobody does that anymore. Are you going to get that way about girls? I mean, you know? Girls the show. Girls the people. I mean, it's fine. You want to bring impressions. You mean there's no person. No, I don't.

I'm just saying that there's no real identity in everybody. You can't picture like a Russian coming out and go, so let's imagine here's Matthew Damon. Imagine, if you will, Matthew Damon in a hospital. And anything he does would just be Matthew, just be a guy. And now Kim Kardashian calling 911.

We might go something like this. There's no show business heaven. I used to love when George Kirby... Well, there is show business heaven. George Kirby used to do imitations of only white people. No, I mean, but for these kids, there's no show business heaven. Now, do we all remember when George Kirby was arrested and locked up for drugs? Sure. Yeah. And then he came back and did a dramatic thing. King heroin. King heroin. King heroin. King heroin.

Heroin. I am King Heroin. Who did Sidney Greenstreet. Worst electric company ever. Was it only in public service? Yeah, well, it was in his act. He only imitated white guys. I am King Heroin. But if you remember, Gil, he did it.

Because he was an impressionist. He did it as Sidney Green Street. Yes. It was beautiful. Which really threw me. Because he said he did it in prison. I guess it was to keep people from banging on the cheeks. He only imitated big fat white people. Well, it's like, did you see those movies, The Trip?

Oh, yeah. I mean, every line was an impression of somebody great. I mean, they never talked to each other as themselves. Speaking of impressions, Craig, not to put you on the spot, but I understand you do a Johnny Carson little something.

Hello. I do Johnny Carson. You do Johnny Carson in the third grade? What are you doing? What are you embarrassing? We have to come up with that. I understand. You can perform thoracic surgery. Why don't you open Drew's stomach? What are you talking about? He doesn't know what I'm talking about. This is kind of like on Jay Leno when he'd go, No. No, it was a joke between you and Azari and I. It was a joke because I couldn't imitate anybody. Anybody I imitated sounded like...

like Hank Azaria doing Johnny Carson. He did a great Johnny Carson. And I used to say, when Johnny Carson retired, I didn't mean to look at you when I said Johnny Carson retired. I looked right at Paul. And I feel like I just... You had to go there. No, I didn't. Not at all. I think you're holding up really well. I was doing so well until now. Yeah, well, I mean, normally you wouldn't be available. You know what Paul said as we were coming down? Is everybody getting paid?

You should take better care of your money, my friend. Painting pizza. Well, we were just trying to imagine what is Johnny Carson going to do when he's up in Malibu and he's retired and we just decided he's going to hang out. with junior high school kids, and it was just, and it was, hey, did you guys take the, and I don't do a good job. That's good, that's good. But that wasn't it. I have a sinus. No, he goes, hey, did you, how did you guys do on that algebra trig?

Was that not impossible? And the kids always were like, shut up, Carson. Sorry. He was unpopular. Sorry. I understand everybody's going to the malt shopping. Is that true? Carson, fuck off. Sorry. There you go. Thank you, Paul. Save me. Play me out. I saw Hank Azaria and, excuse me, but this is important. Hank Azaria and Harry Shearer.

We'll decide if it's important. Doing dueling Johnny Carson's. We're going to take a vote. Was that important? No. Sorry, Drew. Go ahead. Paul, do you know the Johnny Carson song by Brian Wilson? No, I do not, sir. It's actually a song called Johnny Carson when he was really nuts in the late 70s. It's on one of the albums. Yeah, you know, I do know it, but I can't. 15 Big Ones. It's on 15 Big Ones. Can't summon it right now. 15 Big Ones. Sorry.

Tom, before we leave the topic of George Kirby. Is it Watermelon Man? Is it Watermelon Man? That was Scott for Cambridge. That was 15 minutes ago. Didn't you used to wonder when they had the big campaign about homelessness? Oh, yes. Well, we did it. Comedy.

What was it? We did. Oh, maybe it's just a bit. I don't remember if we actually said it. Everything was about homelessness and feed the homeless. Right. You thought perhaps George Kirby. Well, no, I actually remember when Jerry on the telethon.

One time he had Jack Palance on in a black turtleneck sweater. And Jerry would go, now a serious moment. And he's cut to Jack Palance in this big... black turtleneck sweater going I'm muscular dystrophy oh no I hate children yeah so we did a thing like where it was about homelessness was big And... Back when it was really great, you know? And I was... I started to...

Somebody we should get Jack Palance to do. I'm homelessness. And I hate homes. Yes. I hate homes. All right. That died. Okay. That's the bit. Thanks for rocking me into that one. That's the bit. That's all right. No, I love the bit. I heard a story that one time. Bob Hope was on The Tonight Show. And during the commercial break, Carson said, you know, I read about you, Bob. And I heard you were born in England. Your parents died when you were a child.

You program women as sex robots. Yes, and your older brothers got sick and died, and you were... living in a rat-infested, abandoned building, and you watch your brother die in front of you, and you had nothing. You were three when this was going. And Bob Hope went... Yeah, that's wild, isn't it? Nice meeting for a comedy guy to get, you know. We had to stop the show at some point.

Because, you know, our guests are old and they have to pee and their memory starts going. So tune in next week for part two. Sign up for a free 30-day trial at Xero.com slash podcast. I'm going to spell it again. That's X-E-R-O. That's X-E-R-O.com slash podcasts. Zero is beautiful accounting software built to help small businesses be more productive and successful. Zero.com slash podcasts. Very good.

If you like listening to comedy, try watching it on the internet. The folks behind the Sideshow Network have launched a new YouTube channel called Wait For It. It's got interviews with comedians like Reggie Watts, Todd Glass, Liza Sleisinger. Sleisinger. I've been friends with her for 10 years. One of the funniest people out there, and I still have a hard time with the last name, Liza. Our very own Owen Benjamin. That's me.

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