7. What Gives Sensus?

(Getting You Home On Friday - Episode - 007- What Gives Sensus) INTRO SONG DEEP VOICE: We're Getting You Home On Fr, Fr, Fr, Fr, Fr, Fr, Fr, Fri, Fri, Fri, Friday! INTRO OUT (News, Snodgrass) NEWS THEME SONG. NEWS ANCHOR: As the economic crisis deepens, stories are emerging of hardships felt throughout the community. Edward Winthrop of West Welsborough Downs, has failed to make timely payments to the church for his recent exorcism and has been repossessed. Ms. Myrtle Lemons, entrepreneur of the world famous bungy jumping franchise has stated that there has been no falling of clientele which is disastrous for business. Multi Billionaire Tycoon Felling P. Snodgrass has sadly reflected that he, too, has been affected by the downturn and is now using fifty dollar bills to light his cigars rather than hundreds. It has even been claimed that Rupert Stretchly the world famous contortionist is having problems making ends meet. Now to the markets where shares have had a bad day. Zinip Antidepressants are down, United Rubber Products has rebounded and Combined Pancakes remain flat. Now we cross to regional weather reports with Jack Smith of Broken Down Dray. Jack what's the weather forecast for regional NSW? JACK: Dry. NEWS ANCHOR: Anything else? JACK: Nup. NEWS ANCHOR: Thank you. Join us for the Later News, later. THEME SONG OUT. (On the Roman Nose, Old Toothless) THEME SONG: ROMAN MILITARY STYLE DRUMS WITH A FLOURISH OF HORNS. VOICE: And now, to Rome. CROWD CHEERING. CAESAR: What gives Sensus? SENSUS: My stockings, Lord Caesar. CAESAR: Oh, I know the feeling. Oh, I mean with this crowd? SENSUS: Oh, it's just the masses. CAESAR: Is Cleopatra's mother about? SENSUS: No, my Lord, masses as in populous. CAESAR: Ah, I see. Why so vocal? SENSUS: It was sports day at the Colosseum. CAESAR: What was on? SENSUS: Christians versus lions, my Lord. CAESAR: Oh, always a good contest! What was the score? SENSUS: Lions three, Christians nil. CAESAR: Ah, excellent. But why so much fuss? I mean it’s a normal result. SENSUS: There was that one exception. CAESAR: Oh, yes, yes, all excepting that incredible day when they threw Sard the Famished in with the lions. SENSUS: An incredible day. CAESAR: But why the fuss today? SENSUS: They used Cyril the Lion. CAESAR: Old toothless Cyril eh? SENSUS: The very same my Lord. CAESAR: Well I never. I mean how did he dispatch them? SENSUS: He sucked them to death. CAESAR: Good Gods, sucked them to death? SENSUS: Apparently you could hear their screams clear across the Forum. CAESAR: No doubt, seeking forgiveness for their disloyalty to Rome. SENSUS: No, my Lord. For enjoying the way they died. CAESAR: Amazing. SENSUS: Anyway, my Lord we have news of further uprisings in Greece. CAESAR: And the outcome? SENSUS: We won, my Lord. CAESAR: The score? SENSUS: One-nil in extra time. CAESAR: That is far too close, Sensus. Who is the ambassador? SENSUS: Testiclees, my Lord. CAESAR: Ah, yes. Very well, send for Ambassador Testiclees. SENSUS: (CALLING OUT) Send for Ambassador Testiclees! GUARD : (DISTANT) Send for Ambassador Testiclees! INTERCOM: (OVER PA) A Matador test please, a Matador test please, report to Lord Caesar. CAESAR: Get that fixed. SENSUS: Yes, my Lord. FOOTSTEPS RUNNING ON MARBLE A LONG WAY OFF GETTING LOUDER BUT TAKING A LONG TIME. THEN A SHORT SCREECH TO STOP. SENSUS: Good god’s man, you were only in the next room. TESTICLEES: (VERY DEEP VOICE) I take small steps. Hail Caesar! CAESAR: Ave. I believe there have been uprisings in the provinces. TESTICLESS: Yes, Lord Caesar. A group from the South were hungry and wanted food. CAESAR: And their provisions? TESTICLEES: Spartan. CAESAR: I see. TESTICLEES: Three men entered wearing baklavas. CAESAR: Don't you mean balaclavas? TESTICLEES: Nay, it was a sticky situation. SENSUS: And their weapons? TESTICLEES: They wielded statues of Venus de Milo. SENSUS: Good gods. TESTICLEES: They were unarmed. CAESAR: Do you think there will be a reoccurrence? TESTICLEES: Perhaps my Lord. CAESAR: Can we distract them with more sports? TESTICLEES: I think the Olympics have tired. CROWD CHEER. CAESAR: Well enough. Thank you Testicles, how is your twin brother? TESTICLEES: Which one? SENSUS: Which one? TESTICLEES: Yes, I'm one of triplets, Lord Caesar. CAESAR: Three Testiclees? SENSUS: You don’t say? CAESAR: Oh, that's just not right THEME OUT. (Paranormal Patrol, LAdy Loosely Head (Chapter 7) THEME SONG: BLEND OF PARANORMAL MUSIC WITH HEAVY BASS AND SYNTH. VOICE OVER: In the last gripping episode of Paranormal Patrol, Pete and John saw a head, up ahead in the chamber where Lady Loosley's head was found. John quickly moved to get a better look as Pete moved his bladder. LIQUID HITTING THE GROUND. PETE: Sorry. SCARY MUSIC. VOICE OVER: This week Petra and Jean come face to face with the front door apparition, but first we join John Robust and Pete Sake, founders of the Paranormal Patrol, as they try to come to terms with the head. SCARY MUSIC. JOHN: Did you see that? PETE: Yes. JOHN: Was that a head? PETE: A head, yes. She had a long sad face and wispy thin hair. JOHN: Really? Thin wispy hair? PETE: There was no body to it at all. MOANING. Oh, come on it wasn't that bad. SCARY MUSIC. JOHN: (ASIDE) Pete and I were in the chamber where they found the head of Lady Loosley and we saw a head in the doorway. It seemed to be interacting with us as it moaned at Pete's observation. So we decided to play a game with it. SCARY MUSIC INTESNSIFIES. JOHN: Okay, let’s play a game with it. PETE: Oh how about spin the bottle? JOHN: I'll put down this EMF meter. SCARY MUSIC. (ASIDE) An EMF meter measures the electromagnetic frequencies, which some people say can be affected by spirits. Now this device won't hurt you. PETE: Not unless someone throws it at you... SCARY MUSIC INTENSIFIES. JOHN: Shh. Which isn't going to happen. Now if you can hear us, wave you hand over the meter to light up the lights. PETE: John...? JOHN: Shhh. Just wave your hand over the lights… PETE: John, it isn't…. JOHN: Shhhh, just wave your hand over the device….. PETE: John… JOHN: Shhhh, now the device here, just wave your hand… PETE: John! JOHN: Yes Pete! PETE: It isn't going to work. JOHN: And why not? PETE: It's a head. SCARY MUSIC. JOHN: (ASIDE) Pete and I were in the room where Lady Loosley's head was found and we were trying to get the entity to make the lights light up on the EMF machine by getting the entity to pass their hand over the machine. Pete then pointed out that the entity may not have one, just being just a head and all. That's a good point, Pete. PETE: I’m not just a pretty face. JOHN: Okay, but can you make the lights light up in another way? Can you perhaps head butt it? Spit on it? SCARY MUSIC. VOICE OVER: As Pete and John were trying to get the head to head butt the E.M.F machine, Petra and Jean see something near the front door. JEAN: Did you see that? PETRA: Yes. Just. MUFFLED SCREAM. JEAN: What was that? PETRA: It sounded like someone screaming while a stronger person holds a pillow over their face as they slowly suffocate. Becoming quieter and quieter until they….. JEAN: Petra? PETRA: Just a theory babes. JEAN: Listen. SOLDIER: (Muffled Aggravation) JEAN: My goodness that's a bit harsh...... PETRA: Not for an Irish political prisoner. Quick, it’s coming from the front door. JEAN: Quickly. SCARY MUSIC AND FEET RUNNING. (ASIDE) Petra and I heard the scream and swearing, we think, from near the front door. But when we got there we couldn't see a thing. I can't see anything. PETRA: Turn your torch on. JEAN: Okay. Still nothing. PETRA: Babe. Open your eyes. JEAN: Oh, sorry, I think the adrenaline is getting to me. SCARY MUSIC INTENSIFIES. PETRA: Whatever it was it, it’s gone. Hopefully, we’ve caught it on the Thicc boi. JEAN: Thicc boi? PETRA: That’s what I call the Thermonuclear Camera. JEAN: Don’t they cause health issues? SCARY MUSIC. PETRA: (ASIDE) The Thicc…The Thermonuclear Camera captures heat sources rather than normal images, amongst other things. This way we can see things that other cameras don't usually pick up. I first tried it on my ex when I thought they were cheating on me with the bitch from the servo. Turns out they just really love sheep. SCARY MUSIC. Wow, have a look at this! MACHINE REWIND AND PLAY. JEAN AND PETRA: (BURST OUT LAUGHING) SCARY MUSIC. JEAN: Oh replay it, please. PETRA: Okay, rewind and play. REWIND AND PLAY. PETRA AND JEAN: (BURST OUT LAUGHING) SCARY MUSIC. VOICE OVER: So, what has tickled Jean and Petra's fancy near the front door to the old abandoned gaol of Lady Loosely's Head? We find out next time when Jean and Petra reveal the tape to the rest of the team and Buster gets another lasting impression. John tries to coax Lady Loosely's Head into head butting the E.M.F, and Petra comes face to face with her past. SHEEP BLEETING. SCREAM. THEME OUT. (Credits) LINDA: You have been listening to the voices of: Thomas Taufan, Cheng, Nate Gothard, Hester van der Vyver, Linda Chong, Gavin Jones. Thank you for Listening. THEME SONG OUT WITH JOYFUL ANIMAL NOISES. END. Copyright by Mike Jones and Iley Jones