20. Ears like a Mule and a Fish Finger Packet

(Getting You Home On Friday - Episode - 020 - Ears like a Mule and a Fish Finger Packet) INTRO SONG DEEP VOICE: We're Getting You Home On Fr, Fr, Fr, Fr, Fr, Fr, Fr, Fri, Fri, Fri, Friday! INTRO OUT (On the Roman Nose, The Streets of Rome) THEME SONG: ROMAN MILITARY STYLE DRUMS WITH A FLOURISH OF HORNS. VOICE: And now, to Rome!! THUNDER AND RAIN WHICH CONTINUES IN BACKGROUND THROUGHOUT. CAESAR: Ah, what a lovely day, Sensus. SENSUS: Indeed, my lord? CAESAR: My mother-in-law leaves today. SENSUS: Cleopatra's mother? CAESAR: Indeed! Romulus and Remus may well have been raised by a she-wolf but my Gods, I am sure she was raised by something far more reptilian. CLEO'S MUM: (DISTANT) I heard that! CAESAR: (WHISPERING) Damn! Ears like a mule. SENSUS: She hears well? CAESAR: That too. Anyway Sensus, what do we have for today? SENSUS: Your chief scientist craves an audience with you. CAESAR: Phatinias Intellectus? SENSUS: Yes my Lord. CAESAR: Oh no... SENSUS: Oh yes! CAESAR: You know how this goes, don't you? SENSUS: I do, Caesar. He creates something remotely useful and comes up with an appalling name based loosely, on a very poor pun. CAESAR: Precisely. Do you remember his last invention? SENSUS: The water draining toilet. CAESAR: Yes. He called it "Flushed with Pride". SENSUS: Hard to forget. Shall I call him? CAESAR: Oh, very well. SENSUS: (CALLING OUT) Call Phatinias Intellectus! GUARD: (DISTANT) Call Phatinias Intellectus! INTERCOM: (OVER PA) Fat arsed intellect, fat arsed intellect please report to Lord Caesar. DOOR OPENS, WHEELS AND FOOTSTEPS GETTING CLOSER. SENSUS: Shall I fix... CAESAR: No, I quite liked that one. PHATINIAS: Ave, Caesar! CAESAR: Ave. What do you have there? PHATINIAS: I perceived a dire problem with our city streets, my Lord. CAESAR: They are well cobbled and wide. PHATINIAS: Poop Caesar! CAESAR: Off to the lions! SENSUS: Forgive me, my Lord, but I think he meant excrement on the streets. CAESAR: Oh, really? PHATINIAS: Yes, yes, my Lord. Horse poop, to be precise. This machine will clean up our streets, making the pavements spotless by plucking the poop that many a pony can produce. SENSUS: Nice alliteration. CAESAR: Indeed. But it seems like an ordinary chariot, Phatinias. PHATINIAS: Why thank you, Caesar. SENSUS: Phatinias, I don't think that was a compliment. PHATINIAS: Oh yes, yes, right, the difference is that this chariot has several major modifications. CAESAR: Which are? PHATINIAS: Yes, yes. I have achieved brushes under here and lowered the axle to be closer to the event horizon. SENSUS: He means the road, Caesar. CAESAR: Ah right. Go on. PHATINIAS: The brushes spin in such a way as to scoop up whatever is on the road and flick it into this bag here. CAESAR: Well, this seems a very useful invention. I hate to ask, but have you come up with a sensible name for it? PHATINIAS: Sensible? CAESAR: Yes Phatinias. I really do like some of your inventions but the names are dreadful. SENSUS: They are awful puns. PHATINIAS: (AS IF FOUND OUT) Oh, you know my secret! CAESAR: So what do you call this new invention of yours? PHATINIAS: This modified cart that brushes very close to the road? CAESAR: Oh dear, here it comes. PHATINIAS: (CHUCKLES) Swing low sweep chariot! SWING LOW, SWEEP CHARIOT “COMING FOR TO CARRY ME HOME” PLAYS SOFTLY. CAESAR: Not bad.... SENSUS: Catchy even... I thought it would be worse. PHATINUS: Thank you, my Lord! CAESAR: Well off you go and invent something else. PHATINIAS: I will! Ave Lord Caesar, Senator Sensus. CAESAR: Ave. WHEELS AND FOOTSTEPS, THEN DOOR CLOSING. CAESAR: Well that went better than expected. SENSUS: And your mother-in-law leaves today. CAESAR: Oh, It just keeps getting better. CLEO'S MUM: (DISTANT) I heard that! CAESAR: Damn... THEME OUT. (Question Time, Point of Order) THEME SONG WITH V/O. V/O: Now to the House of Representatives for Question Time. REPORTER: What a wonderful day to be outside, especially if you are inside listening to Question Time in Parliament. That quaint relic of bygone days when they actually answered the questions. So join us now for the charade which we call democracy. GENERAL RABBLE SPEAKER: Order, settle, settle. Order. HOUSE COMING TO ORDER SPEAKER: Now the Treasurer has the call. GENERAL RABBLE SPEAKER: Order, order. The Treasurer. SILENCE. TREASURER: Thank you, Madam Speaker. May I remind you Madam Speaker that The Honourable Member was the first person to state that he...yes he... RABBLE GETTING OUT OF HAND SPEAKER: Order. TREASURER: Yes it was he, yes. SPEAKER: Order, will the treasure please be seated... TREASURER: YES HE! SPEAKER: Treasurer be seated. TREASURER: YES! He WAS THE ONE… SPEAKER: Down boy, downnnn…. RABBLE DYING DOWN SPEAKER: The opposition whip. WHIP CRACKING. On a point of order. OPPOSITION WHIP: Thank you, Madam Speaker.... The SPEAKER: There is no point of order... now... OPPOSITION WHIP: But.... SPEAKER: Do you have a point of order? OPPOSITION WHIP: Yes, but you didn't hear it. SPEAKER: That's right, sorry, just a force of habit. Your point of order, please. OPPOSITION WHIP: Relevance, the Treasurer has not answered the question... RABBLE SPEAKER: Order, order. There is no point of order. SILENCE. SPEAKER: Now I'll say it all again so that we understand there is a great deal of leeway allowed in the way that questions are answered. The treasurer... TREASURER: Thank you. SPEAKER: Wait... Please be seated Treasurer. The Opposition Whip on a point of order. OPPOSITION WHIP: Then why ask a question in the first place? SPEAKER: I'll throw it open to the floor. Anyone? Well. On that note, the Treasurer… UPROAR (Dick Clever, Regina's Question) THEME / JAZZ HORN UNDERNEATH: DICK: 9:20. We were back at the precinct following the discovery of the body of Red Tinkles, Urologist to the Stars. We found the breakthrough that had been eluding us in the Cod Piece Murders. Petra had stumbled across a fish finger packet. MENACING CHORD. But not just any fish finger packet. It was Piere's! ACCORDION PLAYING A FRENCH SOUNDING TUNE. A master chef who creates some of the best gourmet treats in the city. After having one of Piere's fingers you’ll never be able to look at anyone else's in quite the same way. ACCORDION FADING AND A MAD FRENCH "OH HO HO HEAU!" DICK: Petra, get this down to the lab. We need it checked for fingerprints, DNA and nutritional content. PETRA: Yes detective. DICK: And Petra... PETRA: Yes Sir? DICK: That was good work. PETRA: Thank you. DOOR OPENING AND CLOSING. JAZZ HORN UP. DICK: Of all the people, why Red? I could understand Larry the Lemming and even some of the other less favourable and grim folks, but why such a prominent urologist? Had the killer become bolder? Was it a copycat murder? Was it just a passing fad? Was someone pissed at the urologist? I couldn’t think of a single theory that worked. They just didn’t hold water. I started to look through his diary but didn't have to look far. As it was on my desk. SMALL CAR HOOTER. Come in. DOOR OPENING. HICKORY: Detective Clever? DICK: Captain Hickory, please call me Dick. HICKORY: I believe that you have had a breakthrough on the Cod Piece Murders. DICK: I wouldn't quite call it a breakthrough. HICKORY: What would you call it? DICK: Perhaps it doesn’t need a label. HICKORY: Detective, I’m going to meet with the press in five minutes about the Red Tinkles, what can you give me? DICK: How did the press get hold of this? And please, call me Dick. HICKORY: There's been a leak. DICK: How about you say, "We’re close to a breakthrough on the Cod Piece Murders and hope to have our hands on the culprit". HICKORY: That'll do, detective. DICK: And please call me Dick. DOOR SLAMS. JAZZ HORN PLAYS UNDERNEATH: As I read through Red's diary I was moved by the thoughts of such a man. The accolades he received as a great leader in his medical field, his fight with alcohol and the depths of his sadness over his high school crush, Miss Erlington, his art teacher. But there on the day before his death, one name stood out like an Elvis impersonator in a monastery. MENACING CHORD. Regina's. That mountain of a woman whose heart was as big as a camel’s, was there not 24 hours before Red had been killed. I gathered Petra and went over to Regina's to see if she'd squeal. REGINA: (SQUEALING) Oh no, please stop it, please, stop it! DICK: Not until you talk. REGINA: No, I’ll, I'll never. DICK: Petra, hand me that feather duster and remove Regina's shoes. REGINA: Noooo!!!! PETRA: Okay, here is the feather duster and well.... urgh REGINA: (LAUGHS) HUGE BOOT HITTING THE FLOOR. DICK: I'm serious Regina. REGINA: Oh, no, stop it. DICK: You going to talk? REGINA: All right then. I'll talk. PETRA: Why were you there, at Red Tinkles? REGINA: I had a problem. DICK: What kind of problem? REGINA: Well, it's kind of embarrassing. DICK: So you were seeing him professionally? REGINA: No I wasn’t... oh I see what you mean, he being the professional in this situation. DICK: And? REGINA: Shall we say I had a wee little problem. DICK: And he fixed it? REGINA: I'm as reliable as the Britannia! 2 BARS OF RULE BRITTANIA. DICK: And just as big. REGINA: And beautiful. I mean if you'd have tickled me two months ago I would’ve been like Old Faithful on Show Day. DICK: Where were you last night and this morning? REGINA: Here. Why? DICK: Can you prove it? REGINA: Can you prove I wasn't? THEME PLAYING UNDERNEATH: DICK: She had me there. Not with the answers, but because she was sitting on my leg. I didn't think she was the type, but she wasn't letting on to half of what she knew. THEME OUT. (Credits) LINDA: You have been listening to the voices of: Nate Gothard, Hester van der Vyver, Thomas Taufan, Linda Chong. Thank you for Listening. THEME SONG OUT WITH JOYFUL ANIMAL NOISES. END. Copyright by Mike Jones and Iley Jones