16. Organs, Delegations and an Issue with Jurisdiction

(Getting You Home On Friday - Episode - 016 - Organs, Delegations and an Issue with Jurisdiction) INTRO SONG DEEP VOICE: We're Getting You Home On Fr, Fr, Fr, Fr, Fr, Fr, Fr, Fri, Fri, Fri, Friday! INTRO OUT (Short Skits, Organs) ORGAN BLAST. ORGANIST: Get your hands off my organ! END (On the Roman Nose, Delegation) THEME SONG: ROMAN MILITARY STYLE DRUMS WITH A FLOURISH OF HORNS. VOICE: And now.... to Rome! CROWD CHEERING. SENSUS: Lord Caesar? CAESAR: Yes, Sensus? SENSUS: A delegation to see you. CAESAR: Anthony Delegation? SENSUS: No, my Lord, a delegation from the Senate. They seek an audience. CAESAR: (DRYLY) I think there is one at the Colosseum. SENSUS: An audience with you, Caesar. CAESAR: But I'm not at the Colosseum. SENSUS: Shall I show them in? CAESAR: (ANNOYED) Very well, Sensus. This democracy thing is really getting to me. SENSUS: But really my Lord, it isn't really democracy. It just makes people feel as it if were a democracy. CAESAR: I know, Sensus. The whole charade tires me. SENSUS: As it will tire leaders for centuries to come, Lord Caesar. CAESAR: How very true. Oh well, send them in, Sensus. SENSUS: (CALLING OUT) Call the Delegation of Senators! GUARD: (DISTANT) Call the Delegation of Senators! INTERCOM: (OVER PA) Calling the elongation of Minotaurs, elongation of Minotaurs, please report to Lord Caesar. SENSUS: Yes... I will fix that Caesar. CAESAR: Didn’t mind it myself. DOORS OPEN AND A HERD OF CATTLE APPROACH AND STOP. DECIEVIOUS: (SLIMILY) Gracious Caesar. CAESAR: Who told him my first name, I'll kill the bastard! SENSUS: (WHISPERS) I think it is just a term of endearment. CAESAR: Oh, I see. DECIEVIOUS: My Lord, it has transpired that the Senate has elected this delegation to beseech you and more over this delegation has elected me to be its voice. CAESAR: Very well, Decievious, approach. DECIEVIOUS: My Lord, I pray that you hear our request. CAESAR: Thank you for your prayers, but there is nothing wrong with my ears. DECIEVIOUS: My Lord, the people are burdened, nay over burdened with taxes. The average peasant eats poorly.... CAESAR: Poorly? DECIEVIOUS: Lightly roasted. CAESAR: I see. DECIEVIOUS: Our hospitals are filthy and a haven of disease and suffering. CAESAR: Yes... DECIEVIOUS: And our public transport is almost non-existent. CAESAR: And? DECIEVIOUS: Law and order can be bought and sold cheaply. CAESAR: I see. But Senator Decievious… DECIEVIOUS: Yes, good Caesar? CAESAR: Aren't you in charge of all these matters? DECIEVIOUS: Why yes, my Lord. CAESAR: So what is it exactly that you seek? DECIEVIOUS: A pay rise! CAESAR: For all of you? DECIEVIOUS: Why not? CAESAR: By how much? DECIEVIOUS: Around 20 percent. CAESAR: That seems steep. DECIEVIOUS: It is only to keep up with costs. CAESAR: Costs? DECIEVIOUS: Yes, my Lord, entertaining, slaves, courtesans... SENSUS: But you voted down a pay rise last week for the colosseum cleaners. DECIEVIOUS: Yes, Sensus, but that would cause inflation. May I remind Lord Caesar that whatever remuneration the Senators are granted twice that will be bestowed upon our gracious Lord Caesar. CAESAR: Well, it does have some merit. DECIEVIOUS: And all senators would benefit.....Sensus? SENSUS: Yes, there is some merit, perhaps. But I would advisor Lord Caesar to consider the long term…. CAESAR: I mean we can't have Senators cutting back on their entertaining. Where would leave us in the eyes of the world? Very well, Decievious, the pay rise is granted. DECIEVIOUS: Thank you, my Lord. It will be with great pleasure that I will inform the Senate who will, no doubt, be in deep gratitude to your Lordship. Ave Lord Caesar, Ave Senator Sensus. CAESAR: Ave Decievious. SENSUS: Ave Senators all. ALL: Ave. HERD OF CATTLE LEAVING AND DOORS SHUTTING. SENSUS: Well. Incompetent, corrupt and diabolically evil. CAESAR: My thoughts exactly, Sensus. I really do like him. THEME OUT. (Dick Clever, Jurisdiction) THEME/ JAZZ HORN UNDERNEATH: DICK: It was late afternoon, dusk just on the horizon and beyond that were my dreams of a quiet evening with a bowl of Spaghettios and a beer. Instead I was down in the cold depths of the morgue with the Doc. Hoping we might be a step closer to catching the Cod Piece Murderer. SLIDING DOORS, SLIGHT ECHO. Doc, what have you got? DOC: Female, mid-twenties, blonde, blue eyes, well endowed. DICK: Got a name? DOC: Yes, Pixie. DICK: Hi Pixie. DOC: Pixie, this is Detective Dick Clever. PIXIE: Hiya Detective Clever. DICK: Call me Dick. PIXIE: (LIKE CALLING A DOG) Here Dick, come on boy! DOC: Okay, that's enough of that. Pixie have a coffee break. PIXIE: Okie dokie. BIG KISS, A SIGH AND THEN HEELS WALKING OUT OF THE ROOM, DOOR SLIDING OPEN AND THEN SHUT. DICK: Seems nice enough. DOC: She's my new assistant. DICK: Does she help? DOC: She certainly doesn't hurt, well... not unless she… DICK: I get the picture Doc. DOC: Yes, I e-mailed it to you, didn't I? With her consent obviously. She may look like a pretty little thing but she’ll rip your heart out and eat it in front of your mother if you cross her. DICK: Honestly that might appease mine. Tell me Doc, what does a girl like that see in a guy like you? DOC: Oh, I don't know, dining out, friendship, tickets to the wrestling, jewellery, a flat, big label fashion… (FADES OFF) GRANDFATHER CLOCK TICKING IN AND OUT (FADE IN) Overseas holidays, a car, stage shows... DICK: Okay, I get your point. Anyway, what do you have for me? DOC: I could get you her sister's number. DICK: Thanks Doc, but no thanks. I have enough problems with broads, you know that. DOC: Have you tried the nasal spray… DICK: Not that kind of problem. DOC: What kind of problem, Dick? DICK: The nagging, the whining, the lying, the cheating, bitching about my work.....(FADES OFF) GRANDFATHER CLOCK TICKING IN AND OUT DICK: (FADE IN) The in-laws, the questions about, do I look big in this, the…. DOC: Point taken. DICK: Anyway, what I meant was, what do you have for me about the case? DOC: Oh...nothing DICK: Then what am I doing down here? DOC: Asking me what I have for you. DICK: Course. Thanks, Doc. SLIDING DOOR. THEN JAZZ HORN UP. I left the autopsy rooms and made my way to yet another crime scene. STREET AMBIENCE, CAR PULLS UP AND DOOR OPENS AND CLOSES. JAZZ HORN OUT. Constable Adhere, move these people back. Cordon off a 300m perimeter. ADHERE: Top of the morning to you, Dick. DICK: It's night. ADHERE: Well, I'll be amending my report, accordingly. Now what priority rating is this perimeter? DICK: Blue. ADHERE: Very well, one cordon blue coming up. DICK: Well, now I’m hungry. KINKY: Hold on Dick, this is our jurisdiction. DICK: Kinky, what are you doing here? KINKY: The body is clearly on the South side of the line, which is technically ours. DICK: Damn. BEN: I'm sorry boys, this man was one of us. DICK: Ben, you mean he was gay? BEN: No, I mean he was with us, MI6. DICK & KINKY: Damn. JACK: Hold on just a moment fellas. DICK, KINKY AND BEN: Jack? DICK: Jacky, what are you doing here? JACK: He was actually one of us, you see? DICK: A bad dresser? JACK: No CIA. He was working on a counterintelligence operation that involved infiltrating MI6. DICK, KINKY AND BEN: Damn. BARKER: Hold on just a second. DICK: Barker, what are you doing here? JACK: Who's this? DICK: This is Antonia Barker, she's a parking policeman. BARKER: And as you can see, the body is in a public carpark. So it's my jurisdiction. DICK, KINKY, BEN AND JACK: Damn! DICK: Look boys, let’s not fight over this one, there's plenty to go around. BEN: Anyone got a saw? JACK: Dibs on the head. THEME SONG UP AND OUT. (Credits) LINDA: You have been listening to the voices of: Thomas Taufan, Nate Gothard, Hester van der Vyver, Linda Chong, Cheng. Thank you for Listening. THEME SONG OUT WITH JOYFUL ANIMAL NOISES. END. Copyright by Mike Jones and Iley Jones