14. Caesar, The Archbishop, and a Detective walk into a Bar

(Getting You Home On Friday - Episode - 014 - Caesar, The Archbishop, and a Detective walk into a Bar) INTRO SONG DEEP VOICE: We're Getting You Home On Fr, Fr, Fr, Fr, Fr, Fr, Fr, Fri, Fri, Fri, Friday! INTRO OUT (Archbishop, Address) ORGAN MUSIC IN CATHEDRAL. ANNOUNCER: And now an address from His Grace, The Archbishop. ARCHBISHOP: Twenty-three Thirlmeyer St, Rothbury, 2813. ANNOUNCER: Thankyou Archbishop. ORGAN MUSIC. (On the Roman Nose, Here Kitty, Kitty) THEME SONG: ROMAN MILITARY STYLE DRUMS WITH A FLOURISH OF HORNS. VOICE: And now, to Rome! CROWD CHEERING. And now to the Colosseum! CROWD CHEERING AGAIN. To the gallery! MORE CHEERING. Row 12 SENSUS: Get on with it. VOICE: Did you want the weather? CROWD: (BOOING) CAESAR: Excellent seats, Sensus, but why here and not in my box? SENSUS: Another assassination attempt, my Lord. CAESAR: I see. And who's in my place? SENSUS: No, Hoo couldn't make it. But we slipped in your Cousin Alfredo. CAESAR: The priest? SENSUS: Yes, Pastor Alfredo. CROWD CHEERING. CAESAR: What was that, Sensus? SENSUS: A Mexican wave. CAESAR: Are they any good? SENSUS: They have their ups and downs. CROWD CHEERING AGAIN. CAESAR: So what is on tonight? SENSUS: Perverts versus lions. CAESAR: Not the Christians? SENSUS: No my Lord, we like to vary the lion's diet. CAESAR: I see. LIKE THE AMERICAN BASEBALL, A BUGLE SOUND AND THEN A CRY FROM THE CROWD. VOICE: (PA): Lords, ladies and gentlemen, eunuchs, courtesans, Thespians, Lesbians, Cretans and Bedpans, get ready to rumble. CROWD CHEER. (PA): In the red corner, sporting claws, fangs and a ferocious appetite, man's best friend, the Lions! CROWD CHEER. (PA): And in the blue corner, recently arrested for acts against the bovine, the Neapolitan Perverts. BOOING AND HISSING. CAESAR: What's their form like? SENSUS: The perverts are coming off a big win last week. CAESAR: Who were they up against? SENSUS: The Lepers of Lesbos. CAESAR: I thought they were good. SENSUS: No, their form dropped right off. CROWD CHEERING. CAESAR: And the lions? SENSUS: They had a big win over the team from the Oracle of Delphi. CAESAR: I guess they didn't see that coming? BOTH: (LAUGHING) CAESAR: Where is the smart money? SENSUS: Generally, kept in one's pocket. CAESAR: Indeed! SENSUS: This looks good, the perverts are making their move. PERVERT 1: Here kitty, kitty, kitty. You like a lolly? LION ROARS AND CROWD CHEER. VOICE: (PA): Lions one perverts nil. CAESAR: Oh, this looks like it will be over soon. PERVERT 2: I’m a friend of your Mum’s....... LION ROARS AND CROWD CHEER. VOICE: (PA): Lions two perverts nil. APPLAUSE. SENSUS: Really, no contest. CAESAR: So, what is next? SENSUS: The Eunuchs of Umbria versus the Vestal Virgins of the Temple of Venus. CAESAR: That does not sound like a fair contest. SENSUS: Oh, not so my Lord, they have met once before. CAESAR: Really? SENSUS: Yes. If you cast your mind back to your wedding day. The Eunuchs took on the Vestal Virgins at the reception orgy. CAESAR: Oohhh, that's right the big hairy brutes. SENSUS: That's them. CAESAR: Fighting the Eunuchs. SENSUS: That's it. CAESAR: From memory an eight-hour pillow fight broken by one simple, superb bitch slap. SENSUS: It was a beauty. CAESAR: Glorious. CROWD CHEERING AND LION ROARING. THEME OUT. (Dick Clever, Adhere) THEME / JAZZ HORN UNDERNEATH. DICK: Fish Friday’s never been the same. Not since the Cod Piece Murderer began ravaging the city. Each victim with a fish finger wedged in one of their orifices. Sickening. Those golden crumbed goods used as weapons as calling cards…their crisp outside, their fleshy inside…mmm…yes…sickening….scarily salivating at the thought of dinner I went to see the Doc about the latest victim found in an alley just off sixth and seven-eighths streets. SLIDING DOORS. DOC: Dick. DICK: Doc. What can you tell me? DOC: It's the same person. The modus operandi is the same. DICK: I met a girl with a modus operandi and it scared the… DOC: No, Dick… DICK: That, Doc, was the problem. DOC: No. Stop and listen. Dick, the methodology was the same. The victim had a fish finger inserted here. MENACING CHORD. DICK: In her left ear, eh? DOC: Yes, at first I thought it was a herring aid. PIN DROPPING. DICK: Don't ever do that again. DOC: Sorry Dick, it was irresistible. What do you make of the new Captain Hickory? DICK: Sounds like he has ears everywhere. DOC: And eyes. He told me that he didn't like our relationship and that he would review my position if it persisted. DICK: Eh, don't be too worried. DOC: Really? DICK: I think it is Hickory Trickery Doc. PIN DROPPING. DOC: Don't ever do that again. DICK: Can't guarantee it, Doc. DOC: Anyway, whilst you are here, how about a nice cup of coffee? DICK: Sounds great. What's on his arm? DOC: I think he was suffering from an infection to a prior wound. It really is quite infected, note the swelling, the colouring, the texture… SQUIRT OF SAUCE BOTTLE. DICK: I see. DOC: Now, with the coffee, how about some lovely custard tarts? DICK: Excellent! JAZZ HORN PLAYS UNDERNEATH: I finished the Doc's excellent custard tart and headed over to the crime scene. An old friend was on duty. He’d been on the force a long time and never made it past Constable. Despite his faults, Constable Adhere was a good old stick. ADHERE: Top of de morning to yer Dick. DICK: It's night, Adhere. ADHERE: So it is. I'll amend my report, presently. DICK: What seems to have happened? ADHERE: Well it seems that this fellow was walking down the street like this. HIGH HEELS ON CONCRETE. And he saw the body of the deceased victim being in a state of lifelessness right there where his mortal remains were laid out, inanimate like, to rest in peace in a corpse like manner. DICK: Was he dead? ADHERE: Slightly. DICK: And what did he do when he found the body? ADHERE: He riffled through the pockets for money and then made an anonymous phone call to the police on a prepaid phone using a pen name. DICK: Which was? ADHERE: Biro. DICK: And you know where he is now? ADHERE: No. Shortly after making the phone call on his mobile using that phone booth over there, he ran out. DICK: So Biro ran out. Can you trace his mobile? ADHERE: No sir, I failed art at school. DICK: Right. ADHERE: We dusted the phone booth for prints. DICK: And? ADHERE: As soon as we dusted, throngs of people descended on us with straws and sniffed it up. But we did get one print. DICK: Really? ADHERE: Yes, it was of the Mona Lisa. Oh and Dick there was a phone number of a girl written in the phone booth. DICK: Now we’re getting somewhere. What was her name? ADHERE: Let me see I have it written down here. PAPER BEING TURNED IN A NOTEBOOK. ADHERE: Ah yes, it was Flora. DICK: And the surname? ADHERE: Ring. DICK: Really? ADHERE: Yes Dick, its Flora Goodtime Ring. (PAUSE) DICK: That's fine, thank you Adhere. THEME SONG PLAYS UNDER: It was at this point that I knew why he never made it past Constable. THEME OUT. Credits: LINDA: You have been listening to the voices of: Nate Gothard, Hester van der Vyver, Thomas Taufan, Cheng. Thank you for Listening. THEME SONG OUT WITH JOYFUL ANIMAL NOISES. END. Copyright by Mike Jones and Iley Jones