1. Romans, Magic and Ghosts, Oh My!

(Getting You Home On Friday - Episode - 001 - Romans, Magic and Ghosts, Oh My!) INTRO SONG DEEP VOICE: We're Getting You Home On Fr, Fr, Fr, Fr, Fr, Fr, Fr, Fri, Fri, Fri, Friday! INTRO OUT (On the Roman Nose: Markus Rectum) THEME SONG: ROMAN MILITARY STYLE DRUMS WITH A FLOURISH OF HORNS. ROMAN TROOPS MARCHING, CLATTER OR ARMOUR. A LONG BLOW OF A HORN. A FEW MANLY GRUNTS. VOICE: Turning back the pages of history.... WHIRRING OF PAGES. (DRAMATICALLY AND BUILDING) In the yesteryears of time, there once was an empire that was mightier than any before and held land greater than any since. A culture rich in architecture, education and art, but there is so little remaining of the Great Khan's dynasty that we can't make fun of it. So, to Ancient Rome instead! CHEER OF CROWD Here we join Lord Caesar and his loyal assistant, confidant and friend, Senator Sensus in the famed marble palace. CHEER OF CROWD, HORSE HOOVES, GENERAL RUCKUS. CAESAR: Sensus? SENSUS: Yes, Lord Caesar? CAESAR: Close the window, would you, I can't think with all that cliché going on. SENSUS: Yes, my Lord. ELECTRONIC DOOR ACTIVATING AND CLOSING. AS IT DOES SO THE BACKGROUND RUCKUS DIES DOWN TO NOTHING. THEN FINALLY A CAR ALARM BEEP AS IF THE ALARM IS SETTING. CAESAR: Much better. Now, for business. Who is first to report, Sensus? SENSUS: It is Markus Rectus Rectum, my Lord, your Commander in Chief of the Anglo Isle. CAESAR: Where? SENSUS: England, my Lord. CAESAR: Ah, of course. Very well, bring him in, Sensus. SENSUS: (CALLING OUT) Call Markus Rectus Rectum! GUARD: (DISTANT) Call Markus Rectus Rectum! INTERCOM: (OVER PA) Markus Rectus, Markus Rectus Rectum, please report to Lord Caesar. HUGE FANFARE OF TRUMPETS, FOLLOWED BY A CAR SKID TO STOP. CAESAR: What a grand entrance! MARKUS: Pardon my Lord, this tunic rides up. CAESAR: Ave, Markus. MARKUS: Ave Lord Caesar, greetings Senator Sensus. CAESAR: How does the campaign fare in fair England? MARKUS: The English my Lord have been subjected and are but putty between our toes. SENSUS: Sounds disgusting. MARKUS: True, but it keeps our tooties warm. CAESAR: And of the Scots? MARKUS: Not so well, my Lord. Last week we sent a garrison into Scotland and not one survived the brutality of the battle. SENSUS: Good Gods! CAESAR: Why not send in two or three garrisons, Markus? MARKUS: There may be two or three Scotsmen waiting. CAESAR: Damn, how cunning. MARKUS: However, my Lord I have started on a solution. CAESAR: Do speak, Markus. MARKUS: We build a wall the width of the country and shut the heather heathens out. CAESAR: (WISELY) Or is it, that we’re shutting ourselves in? SENSUS: I guess it’s an amphorae half-full type of question. MARKUS: Either way, we won't have to listen to the whine of the bagpipes of an evening or the smell of haggis cooking whilst Robbie Burns. CAESAR: Very well. How far progressed are you? MARKUS: A little behind. CAESAR: Why thank you Markus, I have been working out. MARKUS: Uh, you’re welcome my Lord. CAESAR: Very well, carry on the good work. MARKUS: Ave. FAN FARE, TROOPS LEAVING, WATER DOWN A DRAIN PIPE AND THEN A POP. SENSUS: Seems a nice chap. CAESAR: A little behind indeed. SENSUS: Don’t let it get to your head, my Lord. CAESAR: Someone’s jealous. VOICE: So, we leave our Roman friends until we meet again and contemplate Nero's fiddling to a quiet fire. NERO: Ohhh, hehehehe, scrummy.... THEME SONG OUT. (Short Skit, Passable) DRAMATIC MUSIC BUILD UPS. MAGE: None Shall Pass! SERF: But you let her pass? MAGE: She's a nun. (Paranormal Patrol - Lady Loosely's Head Chapter 1) THEME SONG: BLEND OF PARANORMAL MUSIC WITH HEAVY BASS AND SYNTH. VOICE OVER: Welcome, to Paranormal Patrol. Tonight, on our very first episode, we will be meeting the team that tries to sort fact from fiction. The team whose lives are a pursuit of the truth about paranormal happenings; hauntings, apparitions, voices, projections, federal budgets and things that go bump in the night. SPOOKY MUSIC. This very team is receiving their call to adventure. THEME OUT. PHONE RING. JEAN: Hello, Paranormal Patrol, Jean Tightly speaking, how can I help you? (BEAT) Of course we’ll try to help. (BEAT) Ah…I, Ah…Look I believe it’s two. (BEAT) All good, have a great day! PHONE HANGING UP. JOHN: Well? JEAN: Wrong number. JOHN: But? JEAN: Oh, they just wanted to know how many racoons can fit inside the human rectum. You know how it is. SPOOKY MUSIC. VOICE OVER: Our lead investigator is John Robust joined by Jean Tightly, investigator in training. JOHN: Now what do you have for us today? JEAN: Well John, we had a call from the Old Abandoned Prison at Lady Looseley's Head. JOHN: Where? JEAN: Uh, the…The Old Abandoned Prison at Lady Loosely’s Head. The gaol. With the ghosts. JOHN: What kind of activity? JEAN: Apparently full body apparitions, voices, moaning, whip cracking, canon fire, spontaneous dabbing, shadows and general feelings of nausea. JOHN: Feelings of nausea, where? JEAN: Around the canteen. JOHN: Well, that makes sense. All right, let's get packing. SPOOKY MUSIC. TEAM PACKING. VOICE OVER: The small but experienced gang, pack up for their first recorded adventure. Each team member is well equipped and experienced for a spooky evening of the wicked and foul undead. During the evening you’ll be hearing from the variety of characters making up Paranormal Patrol. John Robust, a truck mechanic by day and a paranormal pursuer by night. He has years of experience in the field of the unexplained. Co-founder, Pete Sake, is a cabaret dancer at night and a paranormal pursuer by day. He too, has had many experiences that defy logic, just ask him about the phantom lap dancer of Old Springly Bottoms. In support, there is Buster Cherry, Lead Technician, who is assisted by Technician Petra Fied. Supporting everyone is crew administrator and paranormal pursuer in training, Jean Tightly. We join them now at The Old Abandoned Prison at Lady Loosley's Head. CAR PULLING UP DRAMATICALLY. CAR DOOR OPENS. JOHN: Well, here we are crew. PETE: My goodness, it’s so big and scary looking. BUSTER: That’s what the girls tell me. JOHN: Buster, wait in the car. BUSTER: But…. JOHN: Car. CAR DOOR SLAMS. JOHN: Well then, our contact is here, the historian, Mary Widda. MARY: Well, good morning Paranormal Patrol. JOHN: Hi Mary, I'm John Robust and this is Pete Sake. MARY: Hi Pete. PETE: Hi, how are you? Oh, love the shoes. MARY: Thank you pet. JOHN: Now can you tell us what kind of activity you’re getting here? MARY: All sorts, love. JOHN: Can you show us where? MARY: Of course. PETE: Oh, my God! SCARY MUSIC. JOHN: What? PETE: That gargoyle over there just moved. JOHN: Really? PETE: There it goes again. SCARY MUSIC. MARY: Oh, that's just William the Gardener. WILLIAM: Morning! PETE: Well, that’ll explain half the sightings. JOHN: Mary, please lead on. DOOR OPENING. MARY: Here in the main entrance people have heard the sound of the door closing, a blood curdling scream and then prolonged swearing. When they look around (DRAMATICALLY) no one is there. SCARY MUSIC. JOHN: Right. Is there anything else here? MARY: Isn't that enough? JOHN: We just want to make sure we cover all the bases. Lead on, please. FOOTSTEPS LEADING INTO A CAVERNOUS ROOM. MARY: And in here we see a shadow figure at the back of this cell cowering in the corner and moaning. JOHN: In the left or right corner? MARY: The left one. Stuff all happens in the right corner, love. JOHN: Okay, lead on. FEET AWAY AND MORPH INTO STONE TYPE FLOORING. MARY: Now, here we took up all the carpet. Every now and again we can't hear someone walking across it. PETE: Sorry? MARY: Yes, it’s as if they are still walking on the carpet. JOHN: Take note of that Pete. WRITING. PETE: Ghost carpet has everyone floored. FOOTSTEPS. MARY: Now this is where we have the feelings of nausea. JOHN: This is the public canteen? MARY: Yes. PETE: Is there any time that these feelings manifest more than another? MARY: After egg sandwiches. JOHN: All right then Mary, we’re going to get set up. Thank you for this opportunity. MARY: My pleasure. Good luck my dears. SCARY MUSIC. VOICE OVER: So back with the team, John asks Jean about the history. JOHN: Jean? JEAN: Yes, John? JOHN: What about the history of this place? JEAN: Well, this is where it gets interesting... SCARY MUSIC. VOICE OVER: Join us next time at the old abandoned gaol at Lady Loosely’s Head when Pete comes face to face with the gardener. SCREAM. PETE: Oh, I’m so sorry, you just remind me of my mother. WILLIAM: It’s alright. I was going to say the same thing. PETE: Bitch. VOICE OVER: On Paranormal Patrol. THEME MUSIC OUT. (Credits) LINDA: You have been listening to the voices of: Thomas Taufan, Nate Gothard, Hester van Der Vyver, Cheng, Linda Chong, Gavin Jones. Thank you for Listening. THEME SONG OUT WITH JOYFUL ANIMAL NOISES. END. Copyright by Mike Jones and Iley Jones