Ruthie Lindsey: Author and Motivational Speaker

She talked about how she was hit by an ambulance when she was a teenager and how she got all sorts of just physical pain that literally crippled her life. She couldn't get out of bed for seven years. It infected her marriage, she ended up getting divorced. It affected

every area of her life. And she just wrote a book called There I Am about her healing process from hopelessness to healing, and she talks about all the extense of therapy that she's done, how she has learned how to overcome um not just physical pain, but emotional trauma, and going back into her life in addressing those traumatic situations and rewiring her brain and her life and her perspective, and she just talks about how important perspective is and

her faith and her spirituality and her connectedness, and it is really, really she is one of those women and one of those people who has done so much work on their trauma and come to the other side of it that it is nothing short of inspiring. And we need people like this in the world to give us hope. And I feel so excited to share this interview with you guys, because I left feeling so inspired. I've been in a little bit of a stressful point in my

life right now. Nashville just got hit by a tornado. There's so much going on in the world, with like the coronavirus, careers, being a new mom. Everyone has so much on their plate. And to talk to someone like Ruthie and to really get that sense of calmness and that there is a bigger message in force at play and that it's all for a higher good, it's really comforting. And I hope that you feel that comfort from this interview. I know you will. Hi. Hi, I'm here with Roothie Lindsay.

I'm just happy to be here with you. I've known about you for a long time on different levels. Because I first heard you speak at Glennon Doyle's um events that she put on the tea pack and it was really awesome. And I remember hearing your story and being like, whoa, that's a story right there. And then I'm friends with Vanessa and Miles Cox and you have the Unspoken Podcast of Miles, such a great podcast. So much he is, oh my goodness, one of my greatest teachers. He is

a great teacher. It's inn't that a wonderful way to be described. He really is. He's like my brother and one of my dearest friends and one of my greatest teachers. He's just, yes, such a gift. He was like a sole family member, you know, those people you meet and you're like, oh, there you are. I didn't know I've been missing you. And it was just an instant friendship

right away. So it's been really special. Who's helped me in so many ways and helped expand me and grow me and take me kind of to a whole next level of expansion. Really, so is that your goal to expand? Oh gosh, I mean yes, I think my hope is to, like, you know, I want to always be a student and always stay curious. And I want to do the work that I think I came here to do, you know, and too, I want to do my own like healing work so that I can then go out and be

a mirror of the healing that is for everyone. I think that's my deepest sole purpose um is to heal and too, And like I mean that's you know, that's going to go on until I'm on the other side. But to share that journey of hope, that that healing that is literally I think everyone's It's not unique to me at all, you know. I think it's like if you're breathing and you're alive, like you're created to heal um emotionally, spiritually, yeah, and you have basically yeah, just

in all the ways. Why is it that is our It's like so interesting because like I'm so glad to be talking to you after the tornado too that just hit. But why is it that it feels like the whole point of this earth and this life is to heal?

You know. It's like we come here and it's like we almost like we start off pure, but then what happens and like the whole journey everything we do, like the careers, the money is the drives, the purpose, like what we put on pedestals, but all that is just to get us to a state of joy and happiness and what we think will make us feel good, to heal all of this pain, like you said, emotionally, physically, spiritually. Yeah,

and I mean I think. I mean I call it earth school because I'm like, oh my god, our it's school is so hard. School is so hard. I'm so happy to talk to you about this. Sometimes I'm like, god like, but really, I've come to this place in this perspective. I lived in like victim mode for a really really long because you were hit by an ambulance and we're in chronic pain for so I want to get into your story because you have this new book there I am. It's amazing book talking about your journey

from hopelessness to finding faith and now that's your message. Okay, but go on please. Yeah, I really I believe that, um my journey is like all these really painful, hard things that happened, I think they all ended up just being these like truly invitations to just to come home to myself and to heal myself and to do really really loving hard freaking work. Um that I was so disassociated for so long, which I still struggle that that's like my daily practice to come home into my body.

And you know, we disassociate when trauma happens to survive, and it's really loving to do that so that we can keep living, you know. But it works until it doesn't. And I live disassociated for a large portion of my life, and I wasn't able to actually be in the moment and be present. I was always like future tripping or fearful of the past or just shut down, you know. And I totally get that hat and I think it's like the natural human condition, like hard moment, Oh my gosh,

it's the hardest. It's like at work and be like, oh here I am, you're safe, you're good, you're heald, you're loved, you know, and like I'll literally I'll realize that like I have driven to another place and like the other side of town and I don't remember any of it, and like I'm just completely disassociated and it's all the time. Yeah, it's so common. And I'm sure like as a new mom, you're in like survival mode, oh my gosh, without sleep. And I mean that just

adds to a whole other layer. And I'm just you know, have grace for yourself because that's just a very specific, crazy, crazy,

crazy time. But yeah, I mean, I wouldn't change any of it, any of the things that happened, because I know that all of it ended up being the things that like ultimately brought me here and brought me to this like really precious healing place where you know, Um, I had a lot of limiting stories that I believed with every ounce of me and of what I thought my life was going to look like in the future, and about my pain. So what were they? Um? My

pain was worse every year for about fifteen years. How old were you got hit? I was a senior in high school. You got hit by an ambulance in your car? In my car, he hit me on my car speeding because he had another person on his way home and it was my fault, and I pulled out in front of him and he hit me on my car door going about sixty five and I broke three ribs, and I punctured my lungs. My lungs collapsed and my spleen ruptured, and then I broke the top two vertebrae in my

neck see one and C two. So I had like a five percent chance to live in a one percent chance to walk. Um. But I was just really lucky and young and youthful and healthy, and I like left. Um. I mean I was on life support the whole ship being. I was in the hospital for about a month lunicoma. Nope, I wasn't. Um. I mean I was so freaking fortunate. I mean they had me sedated, you know, and all of that, but um, I remember little pieces of it. Um. And after about a week they were able to get

me off life support. And then they did my spinal cord surgery and they took bone from my hip and um fused it with wire into my neck. Um. It was kind of an experimental surgery. No, that was just the standard. I mean most people didn't survive that high up you know of a breaks, but that because you're supposed to be paralyzed, you know. Literally, I had a five percent chance to live in a one percent chance

to walk. Um. I was so fortunate. Like it's insane that I'm alive and breathing and functioning and you know all the things. Um, but I was lucky, and I left the hospital after about a month with a neck brace for about six months and went kind of back to life as normal, walking and living. Oh yeah, I mean by looking at me, you never know. All my scars are hidden by hair and clothing and you know, so you wouldn't know. And I really, again so disassociated.

I would talk about it in like third person, like it had happened to someone else. And I love telling stories, so it felt like just a fun story to tell, you know, But it didn't feel like it really had happened to me. And at the time, I didn't have any really residual effects. I didn't have pain from it. If I danced a lot, I get sore, but that's about it. UM until UM I moved to Nashville right out of college, and UM ended up meeting my first

boyfriend getting married not too long after that. Because you're young, we were super young and just sweet little idiots. I felt guilty about sex and we're like trends so earnestly to be good and thought you had so many things you describe to that named that. I mean, I appreciate like all this, Like we were talking about fear before this, and like worry, all of these things are meant to protect us, that's right, And the fear about sex is

meant to protect us. But when it's a shame story, shame story, and I was a part of a church that saying him ting about being a depraved, broken wretch,

and you know, and I believed all of that. I mean I believed it very very very fully, and so honestly my journey of more than anything else, has been an unlearning and I remember bring the truth and coming home to the find the truth though, I mean I think in quiet and presence, in meditation and being in nature, bad being surrounded by people who are mirrors like Miles and so many of my friends that speak truth of

just our inherent goodness and worthiness and being loved. No matter what I do in this freaking world, I am inherently worthy and valuable and good, and so is every other human that I ever encounter. But not everyone lives in the mentality because we're literally walking around with so

much trauma and are living out of that space. Like on site they talk about when our responses are hysterical, they're always historical, and you're it's like you're speaking from this like deep wound, and you don't realize that you're That's like, what's driving us. Your Olympics system is firing and you're hitting on old wounds. That because our Olympics system doesn't know time. So in our brain, so we

have UM. The oldest part of our and is the reptilian brain, and that's what's basically like, am I alive? And my breathing when you're on life support, they're keeping your reptile brain alive. UM. The next oldest part of our brain UM. With evolution came our limbic brain. And the only question the limbic brain is asking is am I safe? Am I safe? And what's wild is your

limbic brain literally has no concept of time. So if some kind of trauma thing happens and you're triggered, it literally some kind of trauma that happened thirty years ago can feel like it's right now. And so that's why people's responses are hysterical because it literally you don't know that you're safe right now. You might feel like you're being abused again by whomever or because it doesn't know time.

But the beautiful thing about that is because our beautiful brains, you know, are so wild and because our limbic system doesn't know time. We can go back in. That's why inner child work is so important. We can go back in and hell that part of us as though it's happening right now. So how do you do that? Oh my gosh, there's so many incredible like e m d R is that is like you go back and talk to your child. I do so many different Oh my girl, so many m d R. Do you know what the

m d R is. It's not like you're trying to

rewire right. You are literally creating new neuropathways in your brain. Um. But you'll go back in in a safe environment with a counselor and they will, um, they'll activate the left side and the right side of your brain, either through tapping or you'll hold these um little vibrators that will go left or right, or they'll there's a thing that they can do with your I mean there's it's basically whatever they're doing, whatever tactic they're using, is activating the

left side and the right side of your brain. And I am not scientifically inclined, so I can't give you and I don't understand all the details of it. But all I know is in a safe environment with someone that you feel very cared for, you'll go back into these traumatic experiences and though your higher self, the person that you are now, or a safe person that you feel very cared for, will come with you and help.

So like I've gone back into situations like of my wreck or situations in the hospital that we're super super traumatic, and these are things people block and don't ever want to touch again with their lives. So this is very scary. And it didn't go away, like the body, the body that keeps the score that book, Like literally your body remembers, even though your brain might have pushed it down, it

doesn't go away. And so you're going back. You go back in, and that's the only way you can actually heal. And it's so hard, but we're so deserving and so worthy of this. You went back in one example for I mean, there's so many of them, all kinds of work, but in one example, um, I uh, in my second surgery. So basically I'll have to jump back a little bit with my story years later, the why what are the wires from my spinal cordfusion broke and pierce my brainstone?

And they didn't know for like five years. That was it. That was called saying the pain. About a year after my marriage, UM, I started having debilitating pain like Cray had gotten married after I got married, UM, and we didn't know what was causing it. I went to all these different doctors. Every time I do a M M R. I they'd be like, Oh, there's this black spot on the film, but that's just the magnet in the machine interacting with the wire from your fusion. Everything around it

looks they're saying that. For years, five years, I was just on narcotics, living in my bed, watching reality TV read my feelings, like taking every drug that they recommended, because you just was so much powerful and emotional, I mean all of it. And I didn't you know, I think so often when we're hurting, we just want to shut down, isolate, check out. And I just didn't want to hurt all the time. I didn't think I could handle it, and so I just took all the drugs.

And I love numbing. It's like sevens want to avoid paint at all costs. And that was like my freaking job.

And finally, after about five years, a doctor was like, I can't tell you what's going on until I see what's under that spot, and so basically a new doctor, I mean I had seen so many at this point, and basically a fifty dollar X ray showed that the wire had broken and pierced my brain stem and just no one had taken the time to look into that spot, right because everyone everyone just thought it was a magnet or no one just asked to look at it. I don't know, but I I shouldn't be alive. I shouldn't

be breathing, shouldn't be walking, I shouldn't be speaking. I shouldn't. I mean, like no one's had that. It's like it was such a random Oh my god. Yeah, So, I mean so many things happened around that, and I'll spare you all the details because it's just insane. But basically, um my dad ended up passing away like two weeks later after we found out about this wire and all

this other insane stuff. But I ended up, um I had to have the surgery to remove it because or like you shouldn't you know, if we don't get this out, like you like you're a taking time on the basically like I should be paralyzed. Oh like this wire could paralyze you. Oh yeah, no, I shouldn't have been able to breathe, speak, walk, talk anything because of the brain. Yeah. No, it was insane. And so they're like, we have to

get this out. And it's an experimental surgery that there's no one's done this before because no one has had this before, so they don't know how it's going to go right, and they're like, we hope it will help build your pain, but we're like, we want you to be alive and we want you walking, you know, like that's that's the goal here. Hopefully it also helps with your pain. Um, I didn't know this extent of how bad it was. They told me, like, you know, I

shouldn't be walking. I didn't know that I shouldn't be breathing or speaking or have brain function, you know, Thank god, because I could not have handled it at the time. I could barely handle anything. Um. I just wanted my dad and I wanted to not deal with any of the stuff. You know, did you have to go through the surgery when your dad died? After he died, yeah,

right after. Um it took a while because I mean I didn't know who to go to, and doctors were pursuing me very heavily because they get off on much like being the one and only you know. So I was pursued by a lot of doctors, but I ended

up choosing Mayo. And it's like top neurologists and top orthopedic surgeon did it together, and it was like a nine hour surgery and super intense and basically they removed the wire, they took bone from my other hip, and then they refused it with titanium screws and I mean all spary details. It was very traumatic and very painful, and I thought I would have told you before that surgery I lived at like a nine or ten, and then I was like, just kidding, it can be so

much worse pain. I had no idea that it could be. So it was very traumatizing and so basically in pain, well, I mean surgery pain lasted a few weeks, you know. That's that was the really really intense and then after that I ended up having a lot of neurological stuff, like my right side just felt like it was on fire all the time. But basically one of the m d R s that I did was an experience that I had at the hospital a few days after they

removed the wire. I started having um spinal cord fluid leakage, which is really dangerous, and so they had to rewire, basically put a new um. They wanted to reroute the fluid so that it came out of the bottom of my spine that they had to insert. I guess it was probably like the size of an epidural or bigger um a new spot so hopefully the drainage would come out there instead of at the spot of my surgery.

And Mayo was a teaching hospital, and so they I mean, I was in so much pain and they had to like roll me over, which was horrific, and basically the student doctor, which you know, they have to learn somehow, but he couldn't find the spot. So he was just you know, like stabbing me over and over and it was like a pain that I didn't know and I was screaming at the top of my longs and it was just so traumatic, and no one was able to stay in the room with me because it was so bad.

It was so bad, and so one of the experiences I talked about it in the book. When I was doing E. M. D R. I went in my higher self, my person today who I am um went into that experience when that was happening, and I basically and this your brain just does this. I didn't like plan any

of this. This is all through M d R. And basically I looked the guy in the eye and I said, take your hands off of her, and like he stepped back, and I, like who I am today, literally picked her up, picked up that version of me in her neck brace and like carried her like her little neck and neck brace was like in my shoulder and I like carried her out of the room and I took care of her.

And I and I have so many stories like that, but that's what you can do, like in E M d R. And it took the power away from it, like that situation doesn't have its hold on me Anymoreally, I was able to go into that part of my limbic brain and rewire it where I'm like I took care of myself and I am safe and my brain doesn't know the difference. It's that's why I like also in her child work like you can create now today a beautiful childhood. And it's it. It's the truth and

it's the truth. It's science. This is like it sounds all woo woo, and like, are you of been kidding me? It's actually science. It's the most beautiful. Like the cover of my phone is a photo of me as a little girl because I had some like pre verbal trauma stuff that happened to me and that I know about

for a really long time. And now I go in and I attuned to that little girl and I love on her, and like I listened to books on tape where I'm like literally like having someone read to me, and I do these things to honor my like inner child, like little Ruthie that had some really hard things, and it's the most loving, precious, truest thing you know. And it's like we're all so deserving of this, and it's it's real, Like I've watched the more that I've done

so much of this trauma work. In the book The Body Keeps a Score, they talk about the mind body connection and so often we're living up in our body and we've connect in our minds and we've disconnected from our bodies that are like here to honor us and love us. I have anything, we just take it. We don't care about our body. We care about how it looks and that's it, and we talked to it horribly, horribly. I now call her she and I used to say my body hated me because I thought she was like

the source of all of my pain. And I'm like, my body is against me and she has betrayed me, and she hates me, and I hate my body. So I ate horribly and I never moved it, and I never would ever try to come present, become present and meditate within my body because I'm like, that's it will kill me. That pain is so visceral, I it will overtake me and I'll never come back. And it's the exact opposite. It's the only way to heal is to

come back into our bodies. And the more trauma work that I have done and going back into these really traumatic some early childhood, some around the wreck experiences, the more pain relief I've had, which sounds like your body is hanging on in my body held on like literally it holds onto those traumatic experiences. Like I cannot recommend Dr vander Colts, the body keeps the score enough because it's just it explains this and it's scientific. It's not it's right, and I am but this is also just

this is science. And the more of this trauma work, this mind body work that I've done, like I'm able to. I literally just walked around Morocco for ten days like I could no more have traveled there. I lived in my bed for seven years, seven years, and you know, it was debilitating pain and nothing changed. I didn't have a new surgery. Like after that surgery, I went back to my bed for two more years because I wasn't just as much pain, but just a different type of pain.

You know what was what was it still physical? Yes, it was burning like my whole rights for two years early on fire. I mean it's still a part of my story, but I'm working on it and it's so

much better. But it was continued like seven years ago, had a complete nervous breakdown, my marriage ended, a lot of other really hard things happened, and I hit a wall and finally triggered the breakdown, my marriage ending, and I caught c diff this like bacterial infection which made me super super super sick, and I just hit a wall.

I didn't want to be alive. My pain was so horrible and I've been living in my bed for seven years, and I was like I would rather fall asleep and not because this is horrific and what is your life? At this point? You're just trying to escape the pain.

There was no life and can you imagine how horrible that would be for a partner like I wasn't able to show up as a partner, as a sister, as an aunt, as a friend, as a worker like I couldn't work, you know, And that breakdown, which now I call a breakthrough, was the best thing that ever happened to me because hitting that wall, literally it was like, I will die. I want I will you know, I want to die and I whatever I'm doing is not working. Have to change everything. And so my family wanted to

send me away to get help. And that scared me more than anything because I cared so much of what people thought about me. And Um, the next day, I started weaning myself off of narcotics. Like I was on the highest level of Fitneil patch, which they give like dying cancer patients. I was on morphine, I was on hydro coda. I mean, I was on a ziploc bag filled with drugs and I weaned myself off of all of it. Um, So, how did you make that choice?

So because you're on this line where it's like you want to die, but then instead you chose to live, Like what howd you make that? That's a big choice. Honestly, the original motivator was I didn't want to get sent away. That's where it started, because I cared so much of what other people thought of me. So then you actually, really you still care to live? At first I didn't. I don't think I would have said I want to die. I just remember thinking, please just fall asleep and not

just let it, just let it be over. This is a living hell nightmare and I don't want to be here. But I never would have done anything to make that happen, you know. Um, the first motivator was literal fear of what other people thought. And I didn't want to be sent away because I was way caught up in all of that. And so thank god whatever it took to

motivate me to start winning myself off the drugs. And as I started weaning myself off the drugs, my brain started coming back and I was able to start thinking clearly, like you're a shell of a human. Like narcotics are not created for chronic pain, it's for acute pain that's going to go. And I've been on all of this for seven years, and you just need more and more. And I was a shell of a human. I was not myself. I couldn't think like myself. I couldn't I

had stopped sleeping. I mean, I was just I was not there. And so as I started sleeping, as I started winning about myself off these drugs, my brain started coming back and I was able to start seeing clearly. And you know, I really feel like I don't know if it was like my dad, my God's my higher version of myself came through and I was able. I remember I told myself to like make a list of all the things I'd love to do before I had pain, and and I literally would write these things down. I'm like,

you love sunsets. I'm like, no, I'm give a shit about sunset? Like, yes, you do. You love sunsets? Like someone is talking to you, like isn't that crazy? So your higher self is actually communicating with what is this? What are you communicating with? I mean, it's like, who

are you talking to? Talking to? My higher self was talking to my person and pain myself and pain that was just suffering and in trauma mode and in survivals are too distinct, and we all have our higher selves and that's why also meditation is so like until we get still and quiet, you know, we have the voices usually that are running in our heads are are like critics, and they're the voices of parents, or the church, or the jerarchy or the you know, like yes, that have

told us, that have conditioned us to believe these things about our else that just aren't true. And we put them on a pestol and we're looking for answers and were like these people to make us feel safe. And these people we since they're tangible, we can disappoint them, and that's terrifying. Absolutely. So that's why I said earlier, It's just it's been literally an un learning and remembering.

But so much of that came in like stillness and quiet, and when I was like, you know, Liz Gilbert talks about writing to love every day in her journal and talking to love when she's like fears taking over our monkey brands running wild and love will always show up always because it's greater than any any any other voice in this world. It's the most beautiful. But we have to like you, you have to listen and you have to like get still and and so yeah. In that time,

you know, I wrote these things. I'm like you you love dancing. I mean it danced in seven years like you love. Um. Actually that's the title of my book. UM funny story. Um. This was long after my husband had left, and um, Justin Timberlake has been a number one favorite of mine since I was like in high school. And he had a new record come out and I'm like, oh my god, the universe loves me so much. And Jimmy Fallon had Justin timber Week and every night Justin

Timberlake was the special guest. On the fifth night he was the special guest, he did like a um fifteen minute medley of all his greatest hits, and he did like a history around five or something. And literally, when I would feel like I was going to die and I was in fetal position and I'm not gonna be able to survive this, I would watch my TVO of Justin Timberlake one Justin timber Week and I would giggle

and I would laugh. And at one point, um, it was one night I was watching him and I got up and I started dancing and I saw my reflection in the window, and I literally go, well, there I am because I had not dance. I mean when I was a child, I never got out of a dance costume. Like I literally was dancing. I would just walk up to strangers and start shimmying, like I love dance more than I can ever tell you. But when I lived in my bed, I didn't do anything that I thought

would cause my pain to be worse. So I did nothing. I didn't go look at sunsets, I didn't dance, I didn't spend time with people, and so all of a sudden, here I was. I saw. It's like I saw that higher self told you, like you remember that he audibly hearing that in your brain. And that was because of sweet Justin. I'm like some people got to Jesus. I went to Justin. Listen, whatever works, I think God works.

To believe it, I believe it. He was used that night and I yeah, as like, I started seeing glimpses of myself, you know, And I started making myself do one of the things on that list each day. And at first it was just going through the motions. And I think so often we how did you think to write these things? Down again. I'm telling you, it's just my higher self. I don't know. So it started because you don't want to get sent away, worried what people thought.

And then waiting off the drugs, I started trying to remember what made you happy and who you and what made just I felt dead inside and at first none of it, none of it felt like anything. I would go sit and watch a sunset and like nothing. I would go smell the flowers. I love flowers so much, and I'm like, I don't care. I wrote down you love people, and I remember maniacally laughing like I don't give a ship about people. No, I don't, and I'm like, yes,

you do. And I had friends at a friend that had been shot in the Colorado Aurora Um Theater shooting and was in baton rage at the time. I had to move home and they had flown her back home, and I would like go sit with her in the hospital. And I had a friend from high school whose husband was literally dying from cancer, and I'd go sit with her.

The last one like stop thinking about yourself. And I remember my brother saying, he's like, paybe, you can lay in your bed and her all the time or you can get up and go be with people and like love people and serve people and like live and hurt either way. Yeah, And I mean that sounds so basic, but I was like, yo, you're right, you know, and it makes a lot of sense that, like unless you speak it out lot and actually intentionally choose that, Like

you see why you want to pick the bed. Yes, Oh my gosh, I've had like a freaking vell crow from my back and my ass to that bed. Like literally it took everything in me to get up. But I the more I did, the more I started experiencing like joy. And I remember a few weeks into getting off the drugs and I've been going through my list each day. I remember um walking outside and smelling this flower.

It's called Magnolia friscotto. It's my dad and my favorite, and like it comes it and MS says this like banana smell. I don't know how to describe it. It's so delicious and syrupy and amazing. And we would stick the buds up our nose. I would literally jump on

the trampoline with these buds up. It's a miracle. But I don't have brain damage, but I smelled it in my brother's backyard, and I just started weeping because it was like the first emotions I felt that were like it wasn't just from pure trauma and pain that I was crying as like Ie, it was beautiful and so sweet, and I noticed that, and I noticed it, and I remember also in that exact time, I talked about this

a good bit. But I read this blog and this girl had written this quote, The deeper sorrow carves into your um being, the more joy you can contain. It's this kh little Gabron quote. And I want to experience serious pain like that well is so open, but the love and the joy, and you can't have one without the other. But when you non pain, you not the good. And I've been numbing it all with drugs and TV

and food and like food's my number one drug. I love like it's my like like I have struggled with compulsive overreading, and that's what I did constantly, just to numb, to stuff it down. Like thinking about it, it's like you're literally stuffing emotions down because you don't think you can handle the pain. And all of a sudden, you know, as I was starting to to just skim the surface of trying to not numb. I was able to feel

things on a level that I had never felt. In this goodness and this I felt like my new drug became like looking for beauty and speaking about it and like, you know, talking about it, and that became my new source instead of like popping you know, a hydrocoda, and it's like, let's look for the beauty. I hadn't because I've been so non and so disassociated, like I had basically been on narcotics pretty much through most of my nieces and nephews lives. And all of a sudden, you know,

I had to move home. I had to move back in with my family because I couldn't take care of myself. And I'm like looking at these kids, and I'm like, it makes you want to cry because they are just the most precious miracles seen them. I had not seen them, and all of a sudden, I'm like, literally, I'm so obsessed with them. I can't even the miraculously that they are. They are the most incredible humans. I am so in

love with these children. I can't even tell you. But I was able to see them in delight, in like they are delight. They are pure delight and they are one of the greatest gifts of my life, you know. And there had just been so much loss, and I think in some I don't think I've ever even put words to this, but but like one of my deepest longings for so long had been like I wanted to be a mom, and that felt like one of the

deepest losses in my life. And I think every time, like another friend would tell me they're pregnant or heartbreak of law has six children, you know, like every I feel like every time she called me, I'm like, oh my god, and you're like me. I also felt really sorry for myself that that was not what I could That's all I wanted. I didn't want to lay in my bed and pain. I wanted to like be outside playing with my children, you know, experiencing all these beautiful things.

And I felt really really sorry for myself, and I was very much parked in that victim line. You know, it's very easy. Yeah, it's just easy. And I think perspective is just everything. And like as I started coming back to like clear clarity and like changing my perspective all of a sudden, like I'm so in love with

my friends children, like I can't. They are miracles and I get to show up in a way that like um, you know, like I get to come and be the fun aunt and do these amazing things because my life looks different. I'm not responsible. I'm responsible in a different way, you know. And it's just it's like such a gift. It's such a gift that I've been missing to be

able to take a desire. Okay, sorry, I'll cry. I'm all emotional because like we struggled to get pregnant for like a year, had miscarried as all sorts of stuff I have. One of my best friends just got pregnant and she struggled like almost two years. Like sometimes it's like it's even the man there to show up to make the babies with my body be able to handle this? Why and my body failing me? Why am I not having all these things work out? And it's like you

have these deep desires and I am. I try so hard not to be in a victim mentality always because I know I'm blessed and I know life is good and I always know there's a meaning. But sometimes you just are mad and you're like what the f Like, why do I not get to experience this, and it takes such a bigger, wiser person like you to like really shift that mentality in that perspective, because it's hard

because you want it so much, you know. Yeah, And I think it's like a both and I think it's really yeah, like it's things black and white, you know, And it's like you have to let yourself feel, really

like I have to let myself mourn. And there's times and I'll think that I'm like totally past it, and then I'll feel it again, Like I have to let myself because if not, it's going to be stuck in my body and that's going to show up as some sort of pain or some sort of disease or some sort of And I believe that with every it's science. It's not my wu wu brain, it's truth. But the more like I let myself feel that, I share that with safe, safe, safe people you know that care for

me and love me. I have an amazing counselor. It's like all these things. And then when I do that, when I process it, when I let myself feel it and move through my body and love through my heart, I get to show up in a different way. I like I love to think of myself like I know this again, this is going to sound really really woo woo, but I do believe I'm a mother, Like I get to mother, gets the mother my community in the most amazing way. I get to mother my nieces and nephews.

I get to mother my best friend Addie has a little boy that like we literally call him hours, like when she told me she was pregnant, Like we're having a baby. You know, he's ours. And I get to mother that little boy and love him with every ounce of me. And just because I am not i'd not birth a child on my own, it doesn't mean that I don't get to show up and like mother those

around me and to the best of my ability. And I fail constantly, and I you know, of course, but that shift, like that feels and it doesn't take away that that's not a loss, but I don't feel the same way. It doesn't carry the power over me anymore. It's like I've I've accepted that piece and like I wouldn't be able to do the work that I get to do. I wouldn't be able to do you And and it's not again, it's not either or, but like

for some reason. This is what my life has been called to be, and this is what I think I signed up for. I think I chose all of this truly. Okay, let's talk about that, because I think about all the time, and I pray for Sunny like every single day. I'm like, I pray that you come and have the experience that you chose to have you and I know and I do believe that. I believe that too. And then I'm getting to this place with fear because I have been so um I'm like, I'm letting myself right out because

I just let myself feel things. So I've been so consumed with fear since she's been borned to the point where it's like crippling sometimes. But I'm like, we just you have all these fears that you worry about. Is all these things gonna happen? You try to protect her? And then Kobe Bryant and his daughter giant helicopter crash, and then a tornado rushes through East Nashville and streets away from us. It's like, why am I going to spend my life having chronic fear when life is going

to happen? She I believe what you're saying I believe she's choosing to have whatever experiences she has, whether they be what you went through like getting hit on amials and that's so hard to say. But like, since you're the one that had these traumatic things and you're saying it, I want to agree with you that I believe that.

But that's weird to say that, like we come and choose this and when you come and choose like trauma and pain, because like you say that out loud, and like people are gonna say that's insane, Like how could you say that? And that's that's okay that no one has to believe what and you you've had it, because I would love to hear your perspective. I am first I want to say, I'm so open to be in completely wrong about this and that feels so good to me.

What then do I know? I mean listening. But in the same breath, there is a school of thought which I have subscribe to because it works for me. And if I'm totally wrong, I'm so okay with that, but it gives me peace. And that's um. There's a school of thought that is we with our guides and with the God universe. Whatever you want to call it like choose. You know, these parents, we choose the things that we

know our soul needs for expansion. And I read this book called Journey of Souls and it is very woo, so go ahead, and that there's no science in this one. It is just straight up wi wo. But it literally I was told by three different strangers, one being an acquaintance to being strangers to read this book within like three months, and I was like, hello, and it's the

ugliest cover I've ever seen in my life. And I care about these things and I'm just like what the So I finally by the third person, the stranger from Spain tells me to read this book, I'm like okay, and basically in hypnotism, no, I'm about to get real. Really I love I love this but again I'm so open to be in wrong. Who cares? But like why not? It working so much peace and so much so basically in hypnotism, and I've since done it because I have

to learn all the things. Um basically, all these people ended up connecting to past lives I love and hypnotism and everyone says the exact same thing about the life in between, like heaven or you know what do They say it's the most there's no such thing as hell. It's the most loving, accepting, purest beautiful, Like it makes me want to It's like the most incredible beautiful. Um place, did your past self tell you this? Also? Um? Yes, I love that so um. Anyway, they also talk about

or do you not talk about that? Okay? Yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah um but they basically what's so beautiful is they talked about like you have the soul family members that you've done, and you know you hear old soul, young soul. You know you can look in the eyes of certain babies you're like you you are ancient, ancient, and it's not none of them. They're all equal in God's eyes. Old soul a soul. But it's like coming to Earth school, like a young soul has just not

been here as many times. Old soul been here a lot of times. Why are we keeping why do we keep coming back? Because your soul has things that needs to learn and grow and expand, and it's like Earth school, it's literally school, and we can't just like learn them and have any best wouldn't that be amazing? But that's just like think about right now, Like you I couldn't get to this place. If I hadn't gone through all

the ship that I'd gone through, I couldn't. I wouldn't be able to help people the way that I feel like I'm here to help and serve. And if I hadn't gone through all this and basically all that to say, listen, y'all can just you can delete that part. It's totally five.

This is gonna totally break people out. But here's what was so nice to what you're saying for me, The idea that my sweet little soul trusted himself to go through all that, did go through all of that and still choose like I trust it because we still have free will, like you'll come back until you learn it. Right. So if I like gone through all that and stayed in my bed and never learn the lessons, I get to go through it again. Listen, I am not trying to go through that again. Let me learn it now.

I swear you're speaking like you're reading my mind. I tell the universe all the time. I'm like, listen, I don't not like I don't want to kill myself. I love my life. I'm very grateful, but like it is, life is very heavy for me, and I am terrible blocking.

I can't I do not know how to numb myself out, and so like I'm feeling stuff all the time on this really big level and I am like, you do not maybe come back here again, like I want to learn these lessons like these, I will learn them, like but then it's like, Okay, I say that, and I proclaim that. I'll proclaim that on my knees, and I'll say, like I want to learn, I want to get it.

I will learn it fast. But then I'm like then I get put in like situations with like my daughter, and like I have to like surrender her life over so I don't have crippling fear. And that is the lesson that like I'm gripping onto and like I don't want to let it go and I don't want to surrender that over and I don't want to surrender control, but like I have to, you know. And it's like with fear, like with like I have had so much fear of like trying to do everything right, have everything perfect,

like to keep her safe. And then it's like I hear these stories of things and I lived through the eye of a tornado and it's like I'm throwing my hands in there, like I can't do it anymore. It's too much pressure and work and like um energy, and it's like stealing my joy. And we are here to not just survive, but to like literally live and to show up. And I think when we're caught up in this,

which I've been there, I understand sister so fully. I don't even start a child, but I understand debilitating fear, and and it just robs us. We're not able to show up and live. We're not able to be present because we're future tripping or we're you know, obsessing over things that happened, and we're never present, and that if we're not actually here, we're not actually able to experience the delight of what's actually in front of us. Like there's nowhere else that I would rather be right now

than just sitting across from me. It's the most precious I totally, and I forget that constantly. I have to constantly remind myself to come back to this present moment and not not like I my natural thing when like this week, I've seen myself when I see so many people hurting around me, I freeze like that fight, flight, freeze, I freeze because I don't know where to start. It's like there's so much trauma around me, and there's so much pain, and you know, I mean politics, all of it.

I'm just like la la la la la. I can't.

I can't. I can't because it feels so overwhelming. But I'm also if I'm living in that state, I'm not able to fully experience what's right here and that's so beautiful right here, and and so it's just again, it's a constant remembering, it's a constant unwiring these old scripts and these old stories and these old so much of like my messaging, so much of it was taught from you know, some of its pre verbal, early early early stages um and so to what we can again, we

get to go back in and we can rewire those stories. I can hear those messages in my head, those limiting stories and tell me that I'm not good enough, I'm not worthy, or I'm not worthy of a partner or all those things. There's so many things. Or who do I think I am putting a book out there? You know, like there's just and then I'll be like, oh, hi, hi, fear I hear you. Thank you so much for trying to protect me. But we're safe. We are safe, and

I am going to let you sit here. I'm not going to try to stuff you down because you're not going to go anywhere. You belong to me. You're a part of me and I'm not, and you're trying to protect me. Or even if it's like, oh, hi, envy, you don't think there's enough for all of us. But we're good. We there is so much for all of us. There is abundance in there is like so much more than we can ever imagine. In the universe is longing to just bless you. It's conspiring to do so many

beautiful things for you. You're gonna just come sit at the table with us. And I'm not going to shame myself for feeling you, because that's what that's my natural tendency. It's actually it's dark. It's shameful. Don't let anyone know you ever had it unless we start doing shadow work like we it's so especially in the South, it's like just be light, be joy. And that's how I was brought up and until I was able to start kind of like dancing with my shadow and accepting as a

part of me. We all have shadow, it's just I don't call it like sin or depravity anymore. I'm like, it's my shadow, and it's here to try to protect us. And the more that I embrace it and love it and own it. But don't let it take the wheel. Yeah, don't let it dry. Love it's going to be the one that's going to drive here. Love's going to be the head at the table um. And I forget that constantly, and I get to lovingly remind myself over freaking, over

and over. I had to tell myself this morning, I wasn't a shame spiral, Like I felt shame that I wasn't up this morning in the trenches with everyone, and instead I was like doing work. And then I got so paralyzed by it that I literally just started reading a book because I was like, I gotta know, because I'm so overwhelmed and I feel shape, you know, and I just had all these stories and I'm like, sister,

you're safe, you're good. This afternoon, you're going to go back out and you're going to help people the best that you can, and you're going to show up and you're okay. You're okay, and I love you. I love you, and I love you and I love you. You know what I'm doing to help me with my shame story is I feel all of that, like and I paralyzed, and I paralyzed, and I weep and I cry, and

I get like overwhelm with life. And then I like literally like get in a fetal position and I don't know what to do and I feel worthless and useless, and then like then a spiral happens because then I feel like inadequate and not good enough and unworthy because

and now it's all about me again, you know. And I tell myself, now, I really am trying to listen to the feelings of resistance and openness enforced and easy, and I try to tell myself, you know, how to help in my higher self is talking to myself and saying, like help where you feel truly drawn and really follow that road of ease, not like it's easy, like you're not doing hard work on this road, but this road feels right, and it feels like I'm not pushing down

doors or like trying to get through a brick wall, or like trying to do something because I feel guilty or I'm trying to people pleased. I feel like I'm supposed to do, but when I'm doing it, I don't enjoy it. I don't like it, and I'm just like making myself do it begrudgingly or like out of fear. So I'm just trying to let my self lead me

to those places. And sometimes I tell myself work comes in different ways, like, yes, they're is all this physical devastation all around us right now, but it's also important that we have this conversation, and that this conversation is also a different kind of work because we are talking about how to help people with their lives, which is

just another form of trauma. It might not be physical, Like this is also important, and I have to tell myself that too, because like sometimes I think, oh, I'll blow off this because this is sort of what's coming easy for me, Like I easily love to have soulful conversations, and I know you do too, and you're willing to share it and I'm willing to share and a lot

of people aren't. And so I'm like, this is another form of doing work, and I have to realize that that's my path and not feel guilty that I'm not out there right now doing something physical. I will when my my road leads me there and like I feel like a place, figure out how to be called in that way, I'm going to do it. And just like trying to listen in that way, does that make any sense? I think that's beautiful. It's feeling guilty is not doing the work. No, it's just it's like a shame spiral

and that serves no one. It definitely don't serve us, and don't serve anyone around me. It does like it just paralyzes me and like, yeah, that's um, it's such a disservice to our sweet souls. It just is, you know. And I get to see it and remember the truth and come back over and over and the more I think, the more work I do, um, the more heart work, emotional work, spiritual work. You know, it's not that those things just go away. But I'm quicker to come back

to the truth, and that's what's so precious. Also, I'm quicker to come back to my wholehearted self, to my higher self and remember the truth. And I don't you know, I don't spiral as long. I don't you know, um, And that's also really sweet to see that growth, you know, because it's the opposite is you know, it's all perspective, is what the f is wrong for me? How do I feel this again? That I mean what we were

persists like prisss. That doesn't help, that doesn't serve us, That just you know, that just makes it keep going. But when I see it, I honor it. I hear you. I see that you're trying to protect me. But we don't need that. We're safe, we loved, we're held, were cared for. We're enough, We're worthy. No matter how I show up in this world, nothing that I can do. I'd love how they talk about it on site, like

human being versus human doing. And you know, it's funny ever since then, because you can't tell people, don't site what you do for a living treat and it's what our friend Miles that we were talking about earlier. He owns and started um or runs and basically you can't tell anyone what you do. And that was such a rude awakening for me because I realized how much of my worth was still connected to what I did. Because people would say, well, what do you do for a living?

I'm like, oh, I'm a speaker. What do you speak about? I share my story? What's your story? And I could give this five minute elevator pitch and be like wow, Like I knew that I found identity in my pain story when I lived in my bed, but I didn't realize that I was still finding identity in this pain story because now you're using it for good, So you thought it was the right, right, And so all of a sudden that, wow, I can't tell anyone like am

I worthy? Am I still? Are they going to think I'm I can't tell them if they don't see what I've ever come. And so now it's so fun and so interesting because like just now, I was at a retreat in Marrakesh, and I didn't I don't ask people what they do anymore ever, Like that's like how do you start your commas? Oh my god? There's so many things like hey, how are you? How is your day? Or like I I'll ask people like how do you like to spend your free time? What do your days

look like on a weekend? Yeah? What were what was your childhood? I mean there's a million My sister always says, because she she does a lot of work, like this to She says she likes to asked people what do they love? Wish? I love that, I love that, I love that, and all what do you do? You can be a really crippling question totally, and it's just so easy. You define our value and worth and I don't love telling people what and a lot of times, you know, people will ask, and um, I just kind of try

to skirt around it. And it's funny because I had spent five or six days with this crew in Marrakesh before I spoke, and people kept asking me, you know, what I did or what I'd be speaking about. They knew that I was gonna be speaking, and I was like, oh, you'll see you on Thursday, you know. And what was so precious is they had gotten to experience, however, many days with me, and no, they didn't know that I had pain. They didn't know because it doesn't I don't

lead with that. And also, you don't want to be defined, because once you lead with it, it defined you immedately. Even if you try not to let it define you, you can't not let it. So you want to go ahead and make your personality just be you, let people see you and then they can add to stuff on later and like, honestly, that pain story is like boring to me now, Like, OK, let's talk about healing. I can't wait to talk about healing. Who the freaking I mean,

obviously just wrote a book. I'm gonna be talking about it a lot. But that that's the least interesting thing about me. Truly, I feel like it's the least But you've taken all the power out of it. Yeah, it doesn't. It doesn't hold the power over me that it used to. And it's just I don't like my best friend Jet is such an inspiration to me, and he um. He also has a book he does. It's called to Shake the Sleeping Self, and it's incredible. He wrote his bicycle

from Oregon to Patagonia. He's magnificent on a level that you can't describe. But for the longest time, like he's very he's an advocate and he you know, speaks out so eloquently about being a gay man. Um, but he also is like that's the least interesting thing about me, Like he doesn't lead with its people. For the longest time, didn't even know that he was gay because he was like, who cares, You're not going around saying Hi, I'm Ruthie. I'm straight, Like who cares. That's not who I am.

That's not what I'm defined by, you know. And I don't want to be like, Hi, Ruthie, I'm in pain. I'm I'm in pain. I was that for so long and now I'm not. But you did, but you did the work and you set in that spot and I'm sure Jed Price set and the shame spot for a while enough to really work through it. You have to own your story. You have to, and you have to sit in and work through it and do all these things you have to. And that's such a huge I mean, e M d are all of that. That's all me

going in and owning my story so it doesn't own me. Yeah, everybody takes a lot of work in time. And I feel like so many people, especially in America, are like you feel almost like you are doing like the godly thing by not taking care of yourself, by not putting yourself forward first, by not taking the time to like dive into this pain and do the work. Because it's like everyone's like, oh, I'm selfless. She's they like say it as a compliment, like she's the most selfless person

you'll ever meet. That's really not a great compliment. If you're so selfless that you don't take the time to care about yourself and heal yourself, then you really are stacking pain on pain on pain that everyone around you too. It's actually not loving at all. It's actually really not a good compliment. It's not And when you just are only showing up to serve other people and trying to take their pain away from them, it's actually not loving

because then they don't learn how to heal themselves. They never actually learned how to heal. And you're not healing, there's none of it is of service. The most loving way that we can show up in the world is doing the most loving healing work that we're so deserving of. And when you do this work, what's also so amazing is you realize what's so right with you, not what's wrong with you. Right, that's the most powerful part of

it all. And the more I do this work, the more I'm able to lead from my very filled up place, and then I have so much more to give. And before I jumped from living in my bed too, Okay, I'm going to make my pains purposeful I'm going to help other people, but I skipped the part of me healing myself, and that became my new drug. My drug was helping other people, and that served me. That's actually not really of service. The most loving fix, it's a fix.

The most loving of service thing I can do and show up in this world is to heal myself and then to go out and be a mirror of that. It's like this is for you, and I talked about at the end of my book. I'm like, listen, when you close this last page and you turn off your light or you get off your bus stop, are you, you know, finish that cup of coffee. I really hope you forget my name. I hope you forget my story

because you don't need me. I'm here just to be a flashlight of this love and healing and divinity that's in you. I'm going to walk the funk out of here because you don't need me, you know what I mean?

Like this is, this is yours, but you've really got into a place, Like you've really got into a higher place, and like that is like I really truly feel I feel like I'm just starting to grasp what where you are because For so long of my life, I chasing validation, chasing fame, chasing acceptance, chasing approval, chasing beauty, chasing all these things to like be to be um, to be okay and loved and worthy, to feel worthy because I

never felt worthy, which now I'm realizing everybody feels that way, But so I chased all that for so long. I went through like record deals, all sorts of stuff like did TV work like lead with lead? Oh my god, I could let you know. You meet me within five minutes, you know all my accomplishments. I'm gonna let you know. So then you think I am important, and then you're gonna like look at me differently, and all of a sudden, like you think that I'm like worthy of your time

or greatness or whatever. I did that forever then just had so many experiences were falling on my face, having to rebuild, reboot all that, and it's like, I'm finally into this place, and it's like and honestly, natural disasters are playing a part of it for me to like realizing I'm finally in a workspace where I'm getting to do something that really fulfills me, makes me feel like I have purpose, getting to talk to people like you, and I'm realizing that, like, and I've gotten to talk

to so many important people that I'm realizing the fame and all that stuff that is not the goal. The goal is to lock into a purposeful work, even if it has to be side hustle or something, to find something that gives you true purpose and to do it for the purpose's sake. And that is where you are. And I love that, and I think that's so amazing because that's like you're probably not gonna have to come

back to Earth school because you're really sure. I have so much more to learn, dear God, but you're really tapping into the level of it for the sake of the purpose, and that's freaking cool. Like that's like really really awesome that you're there. Well I don't think I'm there, but they're all that's your goal. Yeah, that's you know.

I healing is like it's not linear, and it's just it's I know, it's ongoing and I have so much to learned and I've sunk up so much, like I've made so many mistakes and I've hurt people in the process and it breaks my heart and I've just had to learn how to forgive myself and forgive. How do you do that, grace? How do you forgive yourself when

you feel really bad? Love? Because sometimes I'll like sit on, I get stuck somewhere, and then I'm like and I just will like spiral, spiral, spiral, and like I'll try to get on and be normal, gain and then I'll come back over and I'm like, I really I really mess stuff there, and like I can't let myself move on from it. Yeah, I mean I've totally been there, and I think the only it sounds again so woo woo and like this like umbrella fix. But it's honestly

the truest thing I know. The only thing that come bat, that that can come bat that is love and self love is the most loving thing that you can do. That the most loving thing I can do, the most loving thing you can do for your daughter is to love yourself well. And like I look at my you know, little girls self in this photo that I meditate on often, and I'm like, I would never talk to that little girl this way. Of course she's going to make mistakes.

Of course she is like, oh you precious, precious soul of course you are, and I want to have grace for you in tenderness for you and like you are going to fail. That's the human experience. That's how we learn, that's how we grow. And the most loving thing that I can do is learn from that and try to be better. Yeah, and try to be better and like

you know, owning my mistakes, asking forgiveness. Um, dropping that that edge, Like I realized lately, I've had an edge, not like a good edge, like a defensive edge because I feel like so stressed out and things have to

be a certain way and like fear. Yeah, but it's like, really, if you can just drop that edge and get to that soft place of love and then you can say you're sorry, you can say, oh, shoot, I was wrong, Like you can say that in a way that's like you don't have to have that ego edge, with this ego edge. And I love how you said soft place

of love, Like that's exactly. At that softening, that tender like I will go through my body and I'll realize how tense I am, like I am even right now, like I'm trying to be relaxing because you're relaxed that I don't want your I'm coming off of a tense face and my voice is even tense, and I'm like, I need to get where Ruthie is like, I'm so glad to be talking with you. But you're exactly where you're supposed to be and you're doing it and you're

doing such beautiful work. But you do get tense when you're not in love. And I think, you know, I'll go from the head the top of my head down my whole body and I'll think th h, A and K, think all my body parts and I'll literally you know, it's so interesting. My friend Dr Hillary McBride, Um, it's so fun saying doctor. She just got her doctor. She's one of my dearest sole family members, sister, all the things.

But she taught me, um that our bodies don't know the difference in our hands and someone else's because so often when I'm in that mode, i just want someone to hold me and tell me I'm gonna be okay and everything safe I want. And I'm single and that is not my journey, so that's not going to happen. And people that are in partnership, like that's not always going to happen. And our partners are gonna be able to show up for us all the ways that we

want them to. So we get to show up for ourselves, and so our bodies don't know the difference in our hands and someone else's. So I'll literally go through my body and so tenderly I'll touch my sweet little face. I'm like, oh you, precious girl, You're so good. Thank you. And I'll touch my shoulders and like because like places especially where I have pain, and like, thank you, shoulder. You're doing such a good job. You're working so hard. Thank you for calling me back to you and you

just want me to acknowledge you. And I want to hear from you and like talk to me, what do you need? And like our body is always talking to us, but because we're disassociated, we're not listening. And I'll go through and I'll thank my legs, like thank you for carrying me, thank you for allowing me to walk, Oh my God, like thank you hips for keeping me strong

and sturdy, and you're so beautiful. And the body parts that I've been the most ugly about, Like I mean the way that I have criticized my body and talked about it. It's like I would never ever speak to another woman that way. So I'll look at myself and I'm like, oh, you beautiful thighs, You're so beautiful, or my scars like, oh my god, you kept me alive.

Thank you, you know, and touching and holding and honoring it's so that's the softening, right, that's that loving softening and honoring our bodies for carrying us and holding our souls, holding divinity like it's just it's the most beautiful, powerful. And I will never call her an it again ever. She is a she. And I had this whole thing I did this like meditation where I literally, I guess we do call our bodies it, yeah, but it's like,

why would we say it? She is a she, and like if I treat her like a person, I would never talk to another person that way. I would never like, I would want to feed my child or another partner delicious, healthy food. I would want to take them on walks. I would want to listen to them. I'd want to speak so kindly and so tenderly and so lovingly. I would never speak to a partner. I would want to you know, you want to make love and hold and caress a partner in the most gentle way, why would

my body not be deserving of those things? You know? And it's just a shifting, like I it's a total perspective shift, Like I was told the flesh is evil above all things, and deny, deny, deny, And so I hated it. I hated it. I had so much shame around my sexuality. I mean, that has been an unlearning that I'm still on the journey of, but so much unlearning of that story. It's just a story and it's

not the truth. And sexuality is a beautiful, incredible thing that I have nothing to be ashamed of, you know. And if I choose, in a mutual relationship to give my body sexually to a partner, what an intimate, beautiful gift? Now is that taken advantage of from everything is taken advantage? If I am in control of owning and honoring that part of me, what a beautiful thing, you know, It's so beautiful. Yeah, gosh, this is just such a great conversation.

I was so excited that you're coming over because I already knew your vibe and I just you've done so much good work. I really am appreciative that you are talking about the medium therapy E M d R. Because that is something that I feel like people don't even know how to think about that, Like, it's not like this conversation that a lot of people are having. You kind of have to be aware of this therapy world that's even happening, and so many people don't even give

themselves the chance to go there. I also love that you are talking something I've been working on right now. I have been someone who feels like I just tried to brush through the negative and I'll be like, Okay, yeah, that's negative, but this is what's great, and this is just great, and we need to be great and don't even have grateful at tattooed on my arm. Here's what we're grateful for. This is it happened. But let's just get to the grateful. Let's just get to the grateful.

Let's just get to the grateful. I'm in a season where I just like I It's okay to sit and acknowledge envy. It's okay to sit and acknowledge anxiety. It's okay to sit and acknowledge stress. It's okay to sit it and acknowledge pain. I'm gonna acknowledge it. I don't have to rush through it. I've always I always feel like I need to just get through it really fast

and get happy. And here I'm gonna tell everyone how to be happy, and I'm gonna find all the good things and you really fast and make you feel great about yourself. And I believe that. But I'm gonna try to just let's get over let's not let's not look at that pain stuff, Like, let's find the blessing right now, right quickly, quickly get there. And sometimes you just have to sit in it for a minute and you have to say, Okay, you're here, Yeah, you're here, You're real,

but like you're not going to run the show. I'm gonna acknowledge you. This is a big wave of view, so like let's just feel it out. Let's have the conversation. But that doesn't mean that's who I am. I to be ashamed of it. I always is ashamed. I'm not to have those feelings. Yeah, I think I think there's something so important and I learned a lot about this

at one site. But we often exile the feelings that we think are shameful, or we're taught early childhood, I wasn't allowed to feel anything, but like I wasn't allowed to feel fear. I wasn't allowed to have shadow emotions anger, raged, Like you smile and you'd be pretty and sweet and and and that's how you show up in the world,

and everything else is not acceptable. And so I stuffed all of those but they don't go away, and then they'll come out sideways, and then they'll come out when in times of stress, it'll get so so so so fearful and scared because I never allowed myself to actually process fear, to actually feel fear. And I think when we try to just jump to the next phase of like being on the other side of it, it's a

total dissurface. You're actually aren't processing it and it's actually not able to like it's just being lodged somewhere and it's going to the basement and it's going to come out harder and bigger, and something more will happen, so you can learn that lesson and it will come out and it's going to rear its ugly head because it wants to be loved. It just wants to be accepted

and loved. And I think honoring and owning our shadow parts, yeah, that's like that's the healing work, that's that's the growth edge. Like I didn't understand any of that for a long, long, long It's only been in the last year or two that I really started accepting owning, dancing with my shadows self. The stuff that I would not even acknowledge was there because of my shame, Like I would have never acknowledged

envir and our jealousy. I love that you said that, because I try not to acknowledge that either I'm like, I'm gonna jealous in me this person, But yeah, I have freaking waves of it. Of course you do, because you're human. Yeah, you're human, because all you want to do is be this light that you know you are, and especially when you've done so much work to find

it and you want to be that. But then it's like, yeah, waves, you're gonna You're gonna have a wave come over, of course, And you don't have to be mad at yourself for that, right, you don't have to shame yourself. And that's where when it it starts having the power over you. When you shame yourself and push it down and try to not acknowledge it, then it actually takes the driving seat exactly. And that's when it leads with power or and we

don't have to let it have the power. We get to acknowledge it, accept it, love on it, and allow love to be the one that speaks the truth to it. Yeah, and it's it's a dance. It's a constant dance. And but it's you know, it's a disservice to our souls. We're not living as our most like, wholehearted whole. It's all of our parts, all of our parts we are not living. We're living as broken down pieces of ourselves if we're not acknowledging our whole selves. And so that

that is my work. That is my constant work of constantly seeing these parts of me, owning them, trying to love all of me and not leading with That's not me saying like oh you have the sexual or its just go out and you know, manipulate. Now, it's actually the opposite. It allows you when you see these shadowy things. It allows you to be your most higher, whole hearted version. You lead it, you know, when you accept it with love and and accept it as it's like it's not

bad or good. That's another thing. Oh God, yes things aren't bad or good. You're not failing, you're not winning, you're just learning, and a bad and good just kind of let you know what feels right for you and what feels wrong for you. Something blows up you have like a career blow up, a relationship blow up, your life blow up. It doesn't mean you're to stay stay there.

You just are getting a really huge dose of what you don't like, and then you're getting a lot of times to see a lot of grace in those periods, insides of people that you maybe would never have seen, insides of yourself that you would have never seen. You have to make hard choices, like you didn't get to a point where it's like you literally don't want to wake up, or you decide to wean yourself off medicine, like if you get to a line and you have

to make a life change. You know, and I think, to what what it does excite me about getting to share my story? It's like a I mean, we skimmed on it, like I you know, there's so much more and there's been a lot of trauma, and it's it's an exaggerated version. And I think that's part of what I signed up for, is to be able to come and say, listen, if I have lived through all this, if my neck looks more like a freaking toaster of it,

then it does a spinal cord. And if I can heal all because everyone knows pain, that's the universal thing. Everyone knows trauma. And if I can heal, we all like we are created for this. Our bodies are longing for homeostasis, they were created for it. They're looking for balance or looking to come home, like they're all just

calling us home. If I started looking at all of my pain, all of my trauma, all of my heartache, divorce, all the things as invitations to actually come home to myself, to do this work, this loving work that I was always so deserving of, that all of us are so deserved ing of. To remember my worthiness, to remember how divinely good I am and always acceptable. That is the most loving mirror that I could bring to the world. Yeah. Period.

That's the most beautiful thing that I have to offer, is me knowing that for myself and knowing it for everyone around me, and being a mirror of that. Um that's my work. And I really believe that's all of our work, you know, And and it's like again, it's not about what's wrong with you. It's about remembering what's so freaking right about you and we're all deserving of it. And is it hard, Yes, but so is walking around and trauma mode and fight flight flea mode and panic mode.

That's really fucking hard. So like, it's either do this hard work and live this freedom like You're gonna be hard either way. It's gonna be hard either way. But on the other side of doing that work is such goodness and such joy and freedom like I don't and I'm sure at plenty other times I'm going to feel the bondage that I've felt it, you know, and other really hard, painful things will happen because it's in Earth school. But I have these tools and I do feel this

like freedom now. I feel joy on a level that I didn't think that I could I feel, you know, like last week, I'm walking around Marrakesh with like one of my closest friends from Europe, and I'm like, how is this real? Seven years ago, I couldn't get out of bed and I wanted to die, and I thought my life was over. And if I hadn't done this work, I could not experience at this and I couldn't appreciate this. I didn't think that was that every experience I had

at that time was just through television. I couldn't I wasn't living, and like, oh my god, if I hadn't chosen life and to do this work, Like and how crazy that your work that you did on your pain is now you're huge career. But now you even elevated it from leading like you're not using it as a drug now to say, like you were talking earlier, I don't know how you phrase that, but like using that as a fix. Now you've even elevated from that. It's like you have done all this work. You continue to

this work too. Now you're in the purpose work where you're truly feeling like heavenly joy on earth at times still you know, you're still in earth school, yes, and I'm human, but you know how it feels to feel heavenly joy. The difference, and it's just it's so different from like happiness, you know, I don't I don't seek happiness actually because that's like fleeting and it's it's usually based on kind of surpass or things you know. And but there is a even in the midst of really traumatic,

horrible things. I can have peace and feel hopeful and feel joy. Um, that wasn't possible for me before. I don't know. I was like numbing myself. Um, are you able to feel that because you trust your journey so much? I guess so. I think because I've also embraced all the dark shadow traumatic kind of the deeper sorrow cars into your being, the more joy you can contain. It's not humanly possible to have one without the other. And just feeling sorry for yourself and sad isn't actually experiencing

the trauma and letting yourself process it. Those are very different things. Because I felt really sad all the time, and I felt very sorry for myself, but I wasn't experiencing joy because I was still numbing, right, But processing trauma, experiencing it, being in it like owning your story going back in because there is so much freedom. I don't feel owned by that story anymore. It doesn't own me because I owned it right. The power is not there anymore.

I don't feel um, like I said, like that pain story is literally the least interesting thing about me. Like I literally don't care because it's just like, let's talk about healing. That freaking thrills me because everyone has a pain story. Everyone has a pain story, and I care about people's pain stories, but I can read in a millisecond when someone's so defined by it. And actually, my manager yesterday we were chatting and it was funny and I say this lightly because I don't. I don't know.

I feel like I need to like whatever. You know. She was talking about UM pain communities, and I did. I said, I think there's a time for that, and I think there are of service for people to be able to go to each other, that people that know what you're experiencing. That's so important, and that's a piece of the journey. You need to be able to talk it out. Example, who like the me too thing? That is the most powerful important peace. But then there's also

a piece after that. Um, I'm not a part of any sort of pain group therapy because you worked through that because now I don't. I don't even think. It's just not that I don't still have pain. I do. I do, and I think I'm going to be able to continue to heal, and but I do. UM, but it's so not my identification anymore, and it's so not, and I am not dismissing. I think that plays such a vital, important role because I agree, I totally agree.

But then there's a next there's another there's another phase where it no longer because in that phase it's easy to be identified with it. And if you're just sitting around with other people talking about your pain all the time, it's just easy to be consumed with it if you don't keep growing and keep moving and so, you know, but pain, again, it's universal, Like I interact with people with pain every day. It doesn't necessarily have to be physical pain. But everyone in my life has pain on

some level because we're human. It's the human condition. But we also aren't leading with it, you know. And again, like you know, being in Marrakech and being with everyone for five or six days before they knew my story, like it was just it was so sweet because I forget that. It's like and you know, like after people wanted to talk about and they're like, I had no idea, and I'm like, I love that. That's the best compliment you could ever ever give me, you know, because it

isn't who I am. I'm excited and honored. What an honor that I get to share this with you and share the message of healing and hope on the other side of trauma. But in the same vein like we even, like the next day we didn't talk about it again. Yeah, because it's I who cares, Like there's so much more, you know, and like I, I I do feel like it's an honor that, you know, usually when people learn my story, they want to share their pain story with me, and

it's an honor to hold that space for people. But then I'm also really excited to learn about other parts of them, you know. I'm like, yes, share that with me, and I will sit with you and then let's go like learn I want to learn about the other things, or let's go experience what's around us and not just stay so parked in that land, you know, yes, because I'm not going to define you by your pain. You might be there right now, but I know you're not. I see you, and you are not this pain. You

are not. It's so hard when you're in the midst of it, especially at the beginning. Good God, it's so hard not to be defined by it. It's so all consuming. Um and I get it, but I think it would be a disservice for me to let for me to define them by that too, you know what I mean, I do and so I try as lovingly with like you, with a lot of grace, and I'm sure I've messed up and I will continue to. But um, I want

to learn just like what do you do? You know, I want to learn about them outside of their pain story that thrills me. I want to learn about your soul, about your heart, about your journey, not just about your pain. Um. But yeah, it's a journey and we're all on it, and it's like we're all at different stages and I have such a long way to go, and I will

continue doing work. And I hope I never ever ever stopped being curious or ever think that I've arrived or ever think I have it all figured out, because I'll have moments of that and then I it's like comedic because I will fall on my ass. So every time I hit a plateau, and I'm like, spiritually so chill and like I might as well just like you know, have to be signs in the air at all time.

Every time I get knocked down worse than before. Yeah, and that's also that's like it's loving for us because it brings us back to reality, and it brings us back to grounds here like everyone else, no one has it all figured out. We're all the same, We're all just souls in Earth school doing the best we can, walking around with a lot of trauma and a lot

of pain. And I try to when I see people acting out or doing things that are I can be very judgmental, um, because I'm honestly, it's usually when I'm being really judgmental of myself then I can go out in the world and be very judgmental of others. And when I'm being a lot more loving for myself, I

have so much more grace for those around me. But when I'm going around and I'm seeing things that people are acting out or whatever, I try to remember that their soul is so pure that they are acting like over always has hurt people, hurt people. They are acting out of unresolved trauma. They are wounded like, not why do you do this? But what happened to you? What happened? Because that is a person in so much pain. Um, don't have to let them into my life. Do I

have strong boundaries? Oh? Yeah, I'm not trying to be best friends with that person, but like, I can still love them far and I'll have to judge them, and I can see their higher selves and their souls are

in there. And I think there's also something really important when we see people doing hard things, or we are doing hard things that are hurting other people, you know, to try, I think for a long time, especially some of the messages that hurt in church is like, um, I know who you're capable of being, instead of just being like I like you for exactly who you are

right now. My friend Katie Messer and I had a long talk about that one time because I was talking about someone that I just was really struggling with, and I'm like, I know what they're capable of, and like I see it and I know you know. And she's like, well, what if you just really accepted and love them exactly as they are right now, not who you hope they can be or who they should be, or who you want them to be. But that is the most loving thing that you can give to anyone. Yeah, the most

loving Do you have to accept the horrible behavior? No? But like I like, not just like I love you, but I like you. You know that is that's revolutionary. I believe a revolutionary and that's I don't always do that very well at all. And also I sometimes find it comical with myself when I am in that same position, thinking like God, why isn't this person to do this?

Like come on, oh my god. But then I like try to catch myself and I'm like, and you know, like you were in their soul, and you were in their brain, and you were in their purpose and their reason for being on this earth. So I clearly know why they should be who they need to be I need to get. I let me, I know everyone on this earth needs to be because I got the flawless script. You know, I was the one that received the perfect information Like no, you know. And then then I like,

I actually can say that to us. I'm like, Carol, you're a hot mess all the time, Like why do you think that you would know what they're why they came here, and like what their little personality needs to go through to get there? I know? Well, And it's I mean they always say, like especially the stuff that we're the most harsh about and most judgmental, it's stuff that we usually have on some levels struggle with in our own shadows. You know that we haven't accepted and

owned and honored and loved and all the things. So I mean, we're just we're all doing the best we can. Life is just freaking hard and so beautiful and so fucked up and so wonderful and so hard and all the things. It's just is, it's it's all of it, you know, And you can't have one without the other. And we don't have to be it or feel shamed about any of it. No, we're human. That's why me

too is so powerful. And we have these hard conversations and talk about our shadow stuff and talk about our shame, it the power goes away. And that's beautiful. Yes, yeah, I love that, Ruthie Man. I'm so thankful that you wrote this book. And I gotta wrap up because we've already talked to Aaron half. This is amazing thing. There I am. It's not out yet, it comes out April, Okay, April first. Everyone needs to get this. And you speak all over the place, and honestly, I just think it's you.

You're the kind of person that's so important in this world because you're just speaking this message that a lot of people they haven't gotten to the place in their life. I guess where they hit such a place where they had to make a choice, like how am I going to live? But you have made this choice to really choose this journey of healing, and like you've committed to it and you've done the work, and you're willing to talk about stuff that people don't want to talk about.

You're willing to talk about really painful experiences that so

many people would want to block. And I just feel your rarity in this world in the way that you're just willing to share this this, these painful things, and you're willing to make them not scary, and you're willing to make it okay to like like you hit me with like when you said, oh hey envy, oh hey um whatever, like sitting next to you, like that's great to hear that that like, Okay, I don't have to feel bad or I don't have to hide this, or

like I can get to this other side. And you are one of those people who was teaching this and you're a great teacher, like you said, Myles is a great teacher. To you, you are a wonderful teacher, and you're a great teacher to me, and I know everyone listening to this is going to receive something from you. And I'm grateful that you have embraced your journey in this way because it is very healing for the rest of us who get to encounter you. Thank you so much.

That's so kind. And it's been such a treat and such a delightful time to get to sit across from you and to learn from you and to just share. I'm really really grateful. Thank you. So wrap every interview, last question with leave your Light? What do you want people to know? What I want? What do you want people to know about me? Just what do you want them to know? Um that healing is for them, healing is for you, Ruthie, thank you so much for joining.

Thank you sister, amazing, You're amazing. Thank you guy.