Mid-Week Mom Chat: Mom Guilt.

trying to eat right. I had if y'all listened to my one about eating disorders and um diets, like, I've always tried to just figure out a way to be perfect and in physical appearance. I've also mentally all I have. I've always struggled with really intense negative self talk. UM. I don't don't know if any of you all have struggled with that, but I until I started realizing that I had this voice in my head that was talking to me, I didn't even know how hard I was

on myself. I beat myself up a lot. If I feel like I've made a mistake or done something wrong or potentially offended someone, I can just just go to

town on beating myself up. In my head. I can't let it go, um, I tell myself that I'm done a terrible thing, that people don't like me, even if I haven't done anything wrong at all, which I haven't, because I do not go out in the world and try to hurt people's feelings or do wrong things like that's not my personality, Like I'm not a malicious person.

And so myself talk though, lies to me all the time and tells me that I had have done terrible things and that people don't like me, and that I need to beat myself up because I'm like a just an unworthy person and that all stems back to my unworthiness us that I have struggled with that. I think a lot of people struggle with. Um. I'm going to be drinking coffee during this mom chat because it's Saturday morning and I'm having a cappuccino, So I'm sorry, I'm

gonna taking SIPs of coffee. I would love for yotta have coffee with me. That's another thing I felt guilty about drinking coffee now that I'm breastfeeding, because the caffeine goes to sunny and so I will not drink coffee until the second I'm done breastfeeding or pumping. I have like a two hour window until I pump or breastfeed again, and that's the only time I'll let myself drink coffee.

Where if you look on all the research and all the boards out there, like the boards of the the experts, whoever they are, I don't know what they're they're called, they tell you can have three cups of coffee a day. I still feel guilty drinking a cup of coffee. Every time I drink a cup of coffee, I feel guilt about it because I feel like I am intentionally choosing myself over sunny. And I know that sounds crazy, but that is how I really feel, and I feel. I mean,

I'm you all know, I'm so hormonial. I'll probably cry a little bit. But like, my biggest struggle in my whole life is that I'm doing the wrong thing and I'm not worthy and I'm not good enough and I'm not perfect. And I've worked on that a lot, and I think a lot of people deal with that. And I've been able to move on from those crippling feelings within myself because I've worked on it with him myself, and I know that those that I that those thoughts

aren't true. But now that I am responsible for Sunny, and I feel like everything I do affects her because she's literally living off of me. She's eating milk from me, and so everything I put in my body that could affect her I beat myself up over. So if I have a glass of wine I've had I've drank several times since Sonny has been born. Even if I do the test strips and it's fine, it comes out clear most of the time, I will still pump and dump

that session of wine. Even if, like I put the strip in there that tested for if there's alcohol in the milk, and even if it comes back no, which it always does, I will still throw that milk away because I feel like I have to punish myself that God,

imnn have a therapy session we all right now. I feel like I have to punish myself because I did something that was not in her best interests that could hurt her, and so I need to throw away that milk and turn like that is my punishment for choosing me, choosing something that I wanted to do that was not

in her best interests. And I really struggle with that, Like I do feel like I have to punish myself, like if I do something that is not in her best interest, I just beat myself up over it, Like even this car feel like I feel like, Okay, I need to get this down in the next twenty minutes, because then that's my window. I have like another hour and a half two hours until she feeds again, and so I need to get her down. I feel so much guilt about, oh God, just everything I do. And

I don't know if you'll struggle with that. So I want to talk about mom guilt. How do we move through mom guilt? How do we get to the point where you're like, Okay, I know what I'm doing is not going to harm my baby. I am taking the correct steps to make sure she is safe. If I have coffee, it's been approved that by many doctors, many studies that you can have coffee. So let that go, Caroline. Don't beat yourself up over it. It's okay to enjoy the pleasures of life on a responsible level. I don't

have to keep money in a bubble. I also feel that because I had a miscarriage and a chemical pregnancy, I have and I and also just being a mom, I have a constant fear of losing her and I'm just speaking this out loud because I want this fear

to leave me. I have a constant fear that I'm gonna lose her, And I think maybe moms feel that in general, but I feel responsible, like I guess like because I had a miscarriage or something, it did something to my mind, like I was the reason, like my body couldn't keep the baby, or like something I did made me miscarry, And so that's why I had a very anxious pregnancy. I was so worried that everything I was gonna do was gonna make me lose her, and

so like I would beat myself up. I didn't exercise, Like my kind of college just gave me permission to exercise. She's like a very good for you to exercise, Like all that is healthy for you and the baby. It'll make your your delivery better and all this. And like I didn't do anything but walk because I was so scared that if I exercise too much, I was gonna lose her. I only drink decaf coffee, even though they said you could have regular coffee, Like I literally was

a nervous trek. One time my dog jumped on me and like hit me hard in the stomach. I had a full blown anxiety tech. I had to lay on the floor and like deep breathe for like half an hour because I was so scared that like it would kill her. Like I don't know why my mind runs so out of control. I think it's because now I have this precious, precious, innocent life that is fully dependent on me, and I have never been one who has

been able to really trust myself all the way. Like, and it's funny because a lot of people will send me messages and be like You're so inspiring, like, thank you so much for being real, thank you so much for always sharing the truth. But like, I'm going to be honest with you guys, I am real and I share the truth because I am so like not trusting of myself a lot of the time, Like I am asking you guys to tell me your stories because I need validation then I'm doing okay because I have so

much fear that I'm not doing it right. And that has been my biggest struggle in my whole life. So like I think that's why I probably started this podcast, why I'm so willing to share my truth on Instagram and instant stories, because I need to know that I'm doing it okay, because I have so much doubt that I'm going to do it wrong and then I'm going

to mess up and that I'm I don't know. It's almost like I need just the validation that Okay, yeah, it's okay, you're doing it good, like you're you're worthy, You're not going to mess up yourself, You're not hurting your daughter. Here's my tips, here's what I did, like, this is safe, this isn't like. And I started my podcast because like I was when I was in music and when I was trying to get into the entertainment industry,

I never felt like I was good enough. And so starting this podcast and getting to hear people's stories of their failures and their insecurities, it gave me the confidence to realize, oh my gosh, we are all in this together. We all have struggles, we all have failed, we all have insecurities. No one has it together. Even these people that we put on pedestals, like I had put them on pedestals, I'm like, they're perfect, They've never had an issue.

Then I got to interview them and they shared their heart and soul, and I'm realizing, oh, my gosh, like I was being so hard on myself, thinking I had to be so perfect and have it together because nobody does.

And that's what my podcast has done for me. Like you guys have told me that it has really helped you, but like in the same way it has helped you, it has helped me because it has given me the clarity that we are all just struggling to do the best that we can, and we have to make choices every day to move through whatever situation we're doubt, whether we feel like we're the biggest loser in the world

and our whole life has exploded in our face. We have to know that we can bounce back, that we can learn from that that nothing is a failure if we choose to use it as a growing tool, if we choose to take a lesson from it. And that is what I have learned from my podcast interviewing all

these incredible people. I have learned so many people have quote unquote failed, have hit the bottom, whether it be with a career, a divorce, um a physical ailment, like whether you have a condition in your body that takes you down, like can't overcoming cancer, addiction, whatever it is that feels so huge and so insurmountable that we will never recover. The people on my podcast that I have interviewed have recovered from these huge tragedies that we call

in life and losing a child. Um. The people people I have interviewed on this podcast have found faith again, have found a way to live again, have found a way to keep going. And that is so inspiring to me because life is so overwhelming and it is so hard sometimes to not beat ourselves up and not think that we have to be perfect and not feel like we're not doing good enough and not feel like we're

not worthy enough. And now that I have a child, oh my gosh, it's on such a bigger level for me because as soon as I get cocky and I think like, oh, I've done therapy, I've done my work. I am good, like my self talk is good. I am feeling strong. I feel like connected to God and connected to myself, and I have grace for myself and I'm learning and oh my god, then here comes the next huge life lesson to learn, and for me that

has been becoming a mother. There, like it started with pregnancy, like learning to have faith and move through all of my fears with pregnancy and trust, and now that I have Sonny and now that I'm breastfeeding her, every single thing that I put in my body, I beat myself up over it if it's not perfect like ecatology, coffee, wine, all that, and I just feel like I have to learn the lesson that if I am making responsible choices, I have Sonny's best interests at heart, I am not

doing anything that is going to hurt her. Yes, like it would be better if I didn't drink caffeine, But I'm telling you what, when you have a newborn and cheese up every three hours and you don't get any sleep for two months, like you've got to have a cup of caffeine, like and that's okay. To make that responsible choice, then I have to like let myself know that that's okay. And it's just I beat myself up when I when I pick me, I guess And so that is what mom guilt is for me. I'm learning

right now when I pick me over her. But then I have to break it down and I'm like, I'm not picking me in an irresponsible way, like I'm I'm picking me when I'm still picking her because I'm not picking a choice that is dangerous for her, even though yes, if I could just eat only fruits and vegetables and farm fresh, farm to table meats, that's the that would probably be the best for her. But I mean, I'm not going to eat perfectly, like everything in America is

basically processed. Like I'm gonna go to a restaurant and I'm gonna probably get some MSG in my food and that's going to transfer to her. It's just like, gosh, you can fall down a rabbit hole of just like analyzing and worrying about every single little thing you do. But this earth is flawed, like we are not living in a perfectly clean, flawless earth, and like for me to feel like I have to be flawless for her

is so much pressure. I'm gonna cry. It's so much pressure, and like we can't do that, we can't succeed at that because we are flawed humans. This world is flawed. And like I'm learning that as a mom, like I cannot be myself up that I am not perfect, Like I'm not. That's it, Like I'm I'm gonna mess up. I'm gonna make the wrong choice and I'm gonna have to forgive myself because I know that I'm never going

to choose it intentionally. I'm never going to do anything to hurt her, but I'm going to make decisions that aren't that. I mean, I have to make choices in this in this life, and she's gonna be exposed to the world, which is I mean, welcome to this world. Like sometimes I sit down and I look at her and I cry over her, and I'm like, oh gosh, this world is so brutal. Like there's so much in this world that you're gonna have to experience. It's gonna hurt you, that it is going to break your heart.

But yet here you are. You're here, you came here, and you're having your own experience in this life. And you're gonna have to learn lessons and I don't know what they are, and oh my gosh, my heart already breaks that you have to have these lessons. But like, that's what makes us human, that's what makes us grow, that's what makes us who we are as these lessons.

Like I look back on my life and the most valuable experiences for me are my sometimes my most painful moments when I really hit the bottom, when I really was broken down, when I really had my heartbroken, when I really felt lost. Those moments have defined me. Those moments I wouldn't trade for the world because I was able to rebuild myself. I was able to find myself. I was able to drip away all of the um

layers of ego that I had put on myself. Like you know, we put all we we gather all of these coats of validation, like we like, let's picture it like clothing, Like we are ourselves and all of these these clothes, these fine, fancy clothes, and like we start to believe that we are a Gucci bag, or that we are um this beautiful leather jacket, or that we are like stepping out into the world like looking so

good and like nothing can break us down. And then oh my gosh, you get broken down and you lose your Versace bag, you lose your fancy leather coat, like all of a sudden, you are stripped naked and you are having to be exposed of who you are to the core. And those moments are brutal, but man, they're important because we've got to learn how to live without

all of our armor that we put on us. Because it's not who we are if we can't get to the core of who we are without all these things that we attached to ourselves, like oh, Like for me, it was like when I first got to Nashville, I was like, Oh, I'm in a band that is with Loretta Lynn's granddaughter and John Wayne's granddaughter, and we have a record deal with Paul Whorley, who produced the Dixie Chicks, and we are also signed with Sony, and like I

needed to have those stamps of approval, of names of validation so I could tell people that, look at me, I'm worthy. These people believe in me, think I'm worth it. And then it can't like I got Amazing Race, and it's like, oh, I've been on a TV show. I was on the Amazing Race. Look at me like a TV show things I'm worthy enough to put me on a show, Like I'm good enough. Like I needed to tell people that I was on that show because it made me feel like, oh, look at me, I'm worthy.

And then I mean, the list goes on and on about just like what I have needed for validation. Then you get to a point where it all falls apart and the guy ended up losing my record deal, and then the amazing race was over and I didn't have the next move and I didn't know what my next career goal was, and like you have to rebuild, and it's just like those moments of hitting the bottom of not having anything of a praiseworthy of validation, worthy of um, I don't know, just like you have to look at

yourself and be like, Okay, I have to find the love for myself and know that I am good enough just as me, just for being alive, just for being put on this earth, just for my heart, just for

my soul. I have to know that because I'm here on this earth earth, born into the life that I am born into, that I have nothing to do with that I was born into this specific life, these specific circumstances, this specific journey, at this specific time, and because of all of these factors, I can no longer complain feel unworthy, feel like I'm not good enough because God put me here in this spot, in this body, in this soul, in this life, in these circumstances. This is where I

was placed. So it is no accident, and I have got to take full ownership of where I am in my life. I have got to know that God loves me, and I am just as valuable as someone who I may have on a pedestal, who I think is so important and so perfect. I am just as valuable because we are all the same. We're all straight from heaven.

We're all souls that were sitting here straight from heaven, and we are all putting circumstances and situations to learn lessons to evolve to become who we were meant to be. And I feel like we know who were meant to be because in our hearts we feel drawn towards things like you feel a call towards something, even like with a career, like I always felt called towards the entertainment industry, but like my sister were from the same parents, she

never felt called towards that. She always was like called towards the more school side, being like more of like a lawyer type, organizing, being in charge like a schedules encounters, and like being so good at like running businesses. Like that's where she felt more drawn. And it's just like some people feel drawn to become a doctor. Some people feel drawn to take a backpack and travel the world.

Some people feel drawn to start a landscaping business. Some people feel drawn to be a cook, or some people feel drawn to go to pharmaceutical school. I don't know what makes you feel drawn to do something, but we all feel drawn towards something. And that's the same reason that you're drawn towards certain people, like you have a connection with certain people like those people. We all we are specifically drawn towards certain things because it is our destiny.

And so I feel like you just have to follow your heart, follow your destiny, and let yourself go where you're drawn, because that is why we came here. And we did not come here to have a flawless experience. We came here to learn, to grow, to evolve, and the only way we can learn and grow and evolve is through these hard lessons. And that is just the truth of it. And it sucks, like when you're in the middle of it, it sucks like it feels awful,

It hurts um. We feel lost, we feel like a loser, we feel insignificant, We feel like everyone else has it figured out so much more than we do. We feel like we're not good enough, we're not pretty enough, we're not smart enough, we're not worthy enough. It's all freaking bullshit, Okay, And I'm telling myself this because the other struggles I struggle with and mom guilt is on a whole new level because now it's not just about me. Now it's

about Sonny. And I can't live my life hating myself for every little thing that I think I've done wrong when I know I have her best intentions at heart and I'm not doing anything irresponsible. But it is so hard, and I'm just getting started. And I know that I'm going to struggle with this mm hmm. And I know that my faith is going to have to be strengthened so much because the only way I can move through these things is to give it to God. And today

I was struggling with some mom guilt. Just I mean, I just I'm also still hormonal, but I just hit my knees and I pray to God to take it away, and I said, Dear God, please, No, my heart was pure. No, I did not make I'm not making decisions to ever hurt Sonny. I'm being responsible. I am always trying to choose her, but when it comes, when I choose me, when I do things for me, and I know, like

even mom struggle this with like mom's who work. When you have to go back to work and you leave your kid and you have mom guilt that you're not there and someone else is with your child and having moments and lives and experiencing first with your child, but yet you're at work. That is such a struggle. But yet we have to work. I mean you don't, not every mom has to work, but like, what if you're called to work, what if you have to do it

for your family? What if it's your passion and you don't want to give up yourself just because you've had a child, Like that's such a struggle. Like you were put on this earth to fulfill your destiny as well, and don't you want to be the example to your child that you're still doing what you were called to do while loving your child. I mean, it is just such a struggle. The mom guilt is so real and just learning how to navigate it. To me, it is all about faith. And so I hit my knees and

I just said, dear God, I'm struggling. I am feeling guilty. I know I have done nothing wrong, but yet I am overwhelmed because I don't know how to move through my feelings. I feel solely responsible for Sunny and any time I have picked me over her, even like going out and doing interviews. Um, oh gosh, I don't know getting my hair highlighted struggling with that because there's chemicals that get into your hair follicles and they couldn't transferred

to her. I don't know. They say it's safe, but it's just like maintenance for me, Like anytime I do maintenance for me, Like I just feel like, is that damaging her? You know? Like why would I get my hair highlighted when I'm breastfeeding. Everyone says it's fine. I took me forever to get my hair highlight when I was pregnant because I grew my roots up basically to my eyeballs because I was so afraid to get my

hair highlighted. It's just stuff like that. And I hit my knees and I said, God, please no that I please take this away from me. I'm learning my lessons from Sunny's teaching me so much, and please protect her, put a shield around her and take this guilt away from me. Because I cannot live with it. I cannot move forward with it. I cannot be the best mom

that I can be. I know my heart is good, I know my intentions are so pure for her, and I know this world is flawed, and I know I am flawed, and I know every day I wake up and I truly choose the best choice that I can. I check my intentions. I make sure that I feel good about everything I do. But damn it, it's gonna get me. The mom guilt is going to get me. There's no way around it. It's gonna get me. And when it gets me, I cannot let it paralyze me. And so please take this away from me, God, And

that is my prayer. And so I just wanted to share this podcast with you guys today because I know that mom guilt is a real thing. And um, anyway, I just want to see if you guys have hold on. I'm seeing if anyone has questions for me because I just put up a post about mom guilt like ten minutes ago. Hold On, I'm also Internet. I have issues with my I don't know how to do technology. Mmmm. Okay. Someone said I felt guilty about drinking every once in

a while and also not constantly playing with her. I totally get that. Um, Like I said, earlier. I feel guilty when I have a glass of wine, even if I they say you can have a glass of wine every and like not have to dump for every hour and a half. Like if you have a glass of wine and then you don't pump or breastfeed for an hour and a half, then it will flush out of

your system. That's what everybody says. And I still feel guilty and I still pomp and dump even though it's okay, it's said it's okay, but I'm like, I've made the choice that I've picked me, and I've picked this vice that is dangerous for my child, and I need to

be punished. I feel like I have to give myself punishment when I do things that I feel like are wrong, and so for me, my punishment because even if I know I have followed the protocol and done the responsible thing, and I've picked this vice for myself, which is having glass of wine in a responsible time and in the correct way that they say to do it when your breastfeeding, I still feel like I have to punish myself. And that is um. I don't think we have to do that.

I don't think we have to do that because it's okay to still enjoy ourselves in our lives when we're being responsible, and it's just struggle. And also I get it, like when I put something on the play matt I most of the time, I will sit there and I will just stare at her and I will play with her and I will put like, um, I'll like, you know, tickler,

and I'll play with her toys. But sometimes I have things to do and I'll put her on the play mat and I'll let her play there for like she usually placed for like thirty minutes, and I'll just pop in every now and then and I won't do and i won't play with her whole time, and I'll feel like, oh my gosh, i have missed out on being with her, and I'm not giving her my full undivided attention. And granted, for the most part, I'm always giving her my undivided attention.

But the times that I've had things to do, like I say, I've had podcast stuff that I needed to get done, or I'm actually like going on an interview and I have I'm not even home, and like I have a babysitter or getting a babysitter, Like I've had a babysitter. She's ten weeks old now, and I've had a babysitter like in the day, maybe maybe just once, maybe twice, and you know, feeling guilty about that that I am choosing me and leaving my child with another person,

And like are they going to drop her? Are they gonna get her the bottle? Are they going to play with her enough? Are they gonna love her enough? But it's like, gosh, okay, God, let it go. Oh, choose someone that you trust. Obviously, do not have child care that you don't trust. But then you have to trust, just like you have to trust your pediatrician, just like I had to trust my guynecologist, just like I have to trust I mean, anyone I have. You have to

figure out how to trust people. So I get it so much, and I think we have to give ourselves grace and we have to um check our intentions and if our intention and our intentions are good and our heart is good, we have to give ourselves grace. And then we have to know that we are still allowed to choose ourselves as well as choosing our children. Like

I think that is a struggle with mom guilds. You you are allowed to choose yourself and choose your child at the same time, and finding that balance is really difficult. But I think that that is the struggle that we all face, and we have to choose ourselves because if we let ourselves go and we don't choose ourselves sometimes then we lose ourselves. And if we lose ourselves, then we are not a good mother for our child. So it's that fine line of not losing ourselves and choosing

ourselves but also choosing our child. And it's just I think it's going to be a struggle that we have our whole lives. Like, I think that that is something that we just are constantly reevaluating. It's a line that we're always walking, and I think that we have to The way I can do it for me is I have to check my intentions. If I feel gross about something, then I'm not going to do it. If I feel like it's wrong, then I'm not going to do it.

If I feel like it feels good for me, if I feel like it's something that is good for my soul and it is not harming her, Yes, maybe I have to have a babysitter. Maybe I got with friends, girlfriends and we have a glass of wine and we laugh and we catch up and we share stories and we bond and it fills my tank. And yes, I had a glass of wine, but I got so filled up that now I'm coming home and I am so present for Sonny and I am so happy and alive because I was able to share in community with women.

Then that is a good choice for me. That is a smart decision for me because it makes me a better person and I'm not harming Sonny. And like you just have to evaluate it and it is always going to be a work in progress. And I just want to say that moms, we are doing a great job. You are doing a great job. You are worthy. Your child is with you for a reason. This child is is for you. This is your child. It knows you. You know your child. You all were meant to be

and you are exactly who this child needs. So when you feel good about your decision, whether it's going back to work and having to leave your child and child care and you feel so guilty about it, but you know you have to go back to work for whatever reason, Ay you have to for fine ancial reasons or be you have to for your soul, Like you feel like

that's a huge part of who you are. You know what you have to do and get clear with yourself, get quiet with yourself, really decide if it's something you need for your enjoyment and fulfillment of life, and if you and your soul and your and who you are put on this earth to be, and if it betters you as a person, if it doesn't better you as a person, if it's harmful to you as a person, if it then by defect, it will be harmful to

your child. But if it betters you as a human and you're being responsible, then we have to just forgive ourselves and not get lost in the mom guilt. And this is me talking to myself. So I hope this was helpful for you guys. I hope that you give

yourself love today. I hope that you know your child loves you so much, and instead of sitting around thinking about everything that you feel like you're doing wrong, think about everything that you're doing right, and just be in the moment with your child and don't miss the great things that are happening because we're worried about something that's not even real in our mind and beating ourselves up

over it. Don't miss the joy with your child because we're beating ourselves up over something that's not even worth beating ourselves up over. So sending you guys love and sending myself love and we're doing a great job. And anyway, that's it. I hope this is helpful. I love you guys.