HOW-TO MINISODE WITH TERRI COLE: How to assert and uphold boundaries!

because I've been high functioning co dependent. So you're gonna walk us through a quick little how to, So go ahead and just tell us talk about boundaries. House a few little steps to get you go on on boundaries. All right, Well, let's start with understanding where you need boundaries. And this is something that really trips people up in the beginning, where they're like, I don't even know, Like

I don't I literally don't know. So we're gonna do a quick resentment inventory mm, because where you're feeling resentment in your relationships is probably where a need is going on met. So either a boundary is being crossed and or a boundary is needed. Maybe you have a boundary in your mind, you'd like to set a limit, but you haven't actually done it. But then when that person who doesn't know what you're thinking steps over that line,

you're like pisted and you keep accumulating that resentment. Right, we just have a file cabinet because we are expecting everyone to be these mind readers, like putting more more resentment in the file cabinet. Yes, because it's like, don't you know my boundaries? Can't you feel it? Like, because I can feel it, you should feel it. But no, how could anyone know what our boundaries are if we don't let them know and and and hold them? Is correct?

And yet yeah, go ahead, sorry, yes, but it's our it's our responsibility that that's the whole thing where when you're acting as a high function or a regular functioning codependent, we're putting all of this emphasis. We've been trained to put all this emphasis on other people in other people's behavior. So we're like, well, if Betty just hadn't asked me to help her move, I wouldn't have to be put in this position to have to say no. And the right, So we get so piste off about that. When the

empowering piece is that we're going to flip that. And when you realize that, you can simply and lovingly and with kindness assert your preference. My preference is to not help you move. That is my preference, and I'm not going to so I'm unavailable to do that, and we can do it in a loving way other people's expectation.

And this is don't worry you, guys. I am going to get back to your resentment inventory, but I want to tie this into the people pleasing part of being a codependent, where even when you are a master of the universe right, you are crushing it in life, making money, doing all the work, being willing to work harder and longer and more than all the other people. You're like, I just will keep going until I get that thing done. You are still being put in this position to people please.

You are still focused, unduly focused on the feeling states of other people. You're talking to someone. As you had said before, Carlin, you're like, you can read a room in this expert way. So when I was in my twenties, if I was talking to someone and I was going a certain way, and I could see the micro expression on their face, change. I could easily just bob and weave to like a different way of So what I was actually saying, like, yeah, just all all the skills,

Like what a waste? You know what I mean. So you're gonna back to your resentment inventory. You're going to write down who in the players we know, you know, every single person listening to this right now. If I'm like I think of the first person who comes to mind that you might be holding some resentment for, they come to your mind, you know who it is. So you're going to write down the situation and start to understand what needs to happen here. What's missing from this equation?

I'm pissed that my partner leaves the wet towels on our wood floor. I mean, I just want to go, what the hell's wrong with him or them? What? What's the deal? Blah blah blah. Every time you see it, you pick it up, you put it on the back the fucking hook that's right on the back of the bathroom door. But you you've now it's like we're tracking that resentment. The question is have you asked your partner to hang the f and thing up? Listen, we can

judge the graph out of the partner. We could be like, what the hell's wrong with you? Obviously everybody knows that a wet towel is gonna leave a day on the wood floor. But that is not problem solving. That's just judgment, right, that's just making the other person wrong in this situation. Perhaps my client says to me, I haven't said anything to him because he should know. All right, man, well that's not getting you what you want, which is for him to hang the avant towel up on the back

of the bathroom door. Right, So now we need to go what what is the action that's needed that client needs to have a conversation. Oh, hey, babe, I'd like to make a simple request that you hang up the wet tails and don't leave him on the floor. Well, I was leaving them on the floor because that's where

we're putting the dirty laundry. No, no, dirty laundry goes in the laundry room, right, or if it's not dirty, hang it back up please, right, So so you you get the requestion, So that now and then you want to get an agreement. So, so can we agree that you will do that? Partner says, yes, we'll do that.

That's an action that you can take. Now. My client in that scenario was basically saying I shouldn't have to say anything about it, and I'm like, hey, this is a self sabotage and way of not making yourself vulnerable. You're blaming your partner saying that somehow they were raised badly because they're dropping their wet towel on the wood floor.

You don't want to be put in a position to be vulnerable, so you're letting yourself off the hook to have a hard conversation, even though I picked a really simple example, right, because that's not even such a hard conversation.

But I don't want the I didn't want the example to be so complex that it would be hard to illustrate what I'm saying, right, which is there are things that we can do, and here's the rubs sort of you are of every relation hip and every interaction that you're So what we're really looking at when we do representment inventory is what is my fifty of what is happening. Oh, for my client in that scenario, her was not saying anything, So you're keeping the situation going and it's not about blame.

It's about understanding the dynamics of relationships. Sometimes our is just staying in a shitty relationship or unsatisfying friendship because the other person thinks we're their best friend even though inside were like, dude, if I had a housewarming party, you wouldn't even be invited, So I have no idea why you think I'm your best friend. But part of it is when you're high functioning codependent, you can be so influenced by the way other people feel about you.

The image of you, right that is huge, And even if you don't like them, if they have this great image of you, you've got to keep it up for him because you want them to like you. So you've got to keep doing the thing but get that good image going. And then you're like, I don't even get want to be with you. What am I doing? That's so funny. I always say this about high functioning codependency

and being people pleased. There could be someone who you you literally have a dislike for, and if you hear from someone that that person, if you hear from someone that that person doesn't like you, you're like, wait a minute, what everyone likes me. I didn't do anything. What is there not to like about me like and instead of instead of asking why, meaning why doesn't Betty like me? The question is what the hell do I care? So why do we care? Because part of it with people pleasing,

we're getting all of this validation from the outside. So if someone doesn't like us, it's messing with our the way we see ourselves, even if we don't like that person. So this is it's a lack of discernment where we need to discern who should be in the v I P section of our life right Not every person who thinks they should be there should be there. According to me, people need to show us that they are emotionally trustworthy.

We want people who we value and who value us, and we fill up their bucket and they fill up our bucket. But instead, when you're a high functioning codependent, I mean I was. I had no discernment in my twenties, like I could get codependently attached to like my hair colors,

my mailman, like anybody if they had a problem. There was no problem too big or too small that I wouldn't jump into and have ideas and thoughts and connect them with someone and give them a book and underline things and yes, right, yes, oh my god, everyone like, oh my heart is open for you fully right here, your your your your eyes look sad. Why tell me why, what's going on with you? Let me hear your heart? Oh my gosh. And then I have to listen. And

then I was like, wow, you are so kind. It's such a great listener and you have such a great heart, like they Q, thank you, thank you. You're like, that's what I was going for. That's what I was hoping you would say and you would experience. But again, all of this need for I used to say as I was recovering from code, you know how functioning codependency, like how much love and adoration could one mother effort need? Meaning me a lot, me too, a lot, all of it,

the whole world. Well, that that's the whole thing. And how exhausting it is when you need it from the whole world. Oh my god, right, yeah, exhausting. Yeah, and avoidable, avoidable because I teach this, you can learn this. You are learning this right now. I have learned this in my life, and I've taught millions of people probably at this point, as you said, to make this shift so

that life can be more satisfying. Deeper because you limit the level of intimacy that you're going to experience in your relationships when you see people as projects instead of as human beings, like I'm going to manage this person's feelings. I'm going to manage their situation. Do you like it when people manage you? Oh? Look that I hate it and I wouldn't tolerate it. Like no way, I'm like shut up, I got it, Like stop, I don't need your advice, you know,